The Dangers of Helping

Stefan Molyneux
Stefan Molyneux
  • 2 months ago
Could you explain the motivation behind some people’s need to give other people “shit”?
There have been instances at work where I ask my peers for assistance and they flat out tell me no with a straight face. They then agree to help and say the were just giving me “shit”. It sometimes feels personal.


Ahoy Stef!! I have spoken to people in the past who clearly have “delusions of grandeur”, which I think feeds into their narcissism or ameliorates their shortcomings, but I admire people with a grandiose vision for their future. How do you go about helping someone determine whether or not their life aspirations are realistic? thanks so much king



Stef would you say it is a rational decision for a single mom to start an OnlyFans account to support herself and her baby? Stef I am referring to of course the fact that women in the West are entitled of up to 100k in money and benefits to care for her child. Given that taxation is theft and a substantial amount of taxation goes to single moms and her children, in these particular circumstances Stef would you say it is actually more moral for a woman to do OnlyFans instead of extracting money from taxpayers that are generally paid for by hardworking men, who consequently have less money to attract a wife & start their own family. To clarify in a previous question I asked you Stef in the recent episode ‘The temptations of flesh’, Stef you clarified that nudity and the display of flesh is not itself immoral you just categorised the display of flesh as being a giant red flag that signals a woman has nothing more to offer than her flesh


just got a job doing something I love, I’m working really hard, I’m good at it. turns out my boss is passive aggressive, now he is getting angry, while walking away when I showed him my solution to a problem we have. It’s bizarre. I might have to quit. what is passive aggressive behaviour all about? I’m walking on eggshells atm trying to guess if I have done good thing or bad thing!


Hi Stefan. I often suffer from anxiety in conversations. Specifically I have a fear that I am being boring. Which in my mind becomes a massive issue. I was having a conversation with you yesterday, you said you were finding the conversation interesting, as was I and no one else had wanted to ask a question. I read through the comments afterwards and a couple of people had stated they were bored. This made me feel just awful and my first instinct was basically to leave and never come back. My question is why did this bother me so much?


hey Stefan....I recently sold 2 beloved horses I've had for 15yrs...I no longer can ride them due to back issues and I've been holding on to them just because I felt terrible for selling them...being fearful they will be abused or mistreated. i know logically I made the right decision because the new owner is going to give them a proper life and use them but emotionally I feel sad and depressed...especially 1st thing in the morning when i go out to the barn to

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Transcript
00:00Well, good morning everybody, hope you're doing well.
00:05Question could you explain the motivation behind some people's need to give other people
00:09quote shit.
00:10There have been instances at work where I ask my peers for assistance and they flat
00:14out tell me no with a straight face.
00:17They then agree to help me and say that they were just giving me shit.
00:20It sometimes feels personal.
00:22Well that's a fine question, it's a good question.
00:28And in my experience there's kind of two things that happen around this.
00:34The first is that they're enjoying that little flash of dominance over you when they provoke
00:41confusion in you, right.
00:44So that moment where you say I desperately need your help, I really need your help and
00:48somebody says no, you have a moment of fear, of anxiety and they enjoy that.
00:56It's like a mild little sadistic thing.
00:58That's sort of the one thing and that's, I mean what can you do about that?
01:02Some people feel so helpless in their lives that the only way they feel any sense of power
01:06is by making other people feel helpless and that's sad but it's just a fact.
01:12I mean you just have to live with that.
01:13Most people do feel pretty helpless and most people are pretty helpless because they don't
01:17have philosophy so the only thing they can do is extract some sense of power from making
01:22other people feel discombobulated.
01:24The other thing of course is that they're looking to see if you are robust.
01:30So there's a shit test in male environments in particular.
01:34The shit tests for female environments are conformity and the shit tests for male environments
01:40are security.
01:41Are you secure?
01:43And if you say to someone can you help me and then you say no, they say no, you could
01:50say something like alright well I'll just wait for a moment and then you'll help me
01:54or you know you can have your little no thing or whatever, I mean I don't know how far you
01:58want to go because sometimes you can provoke some blowback but I think that what you do
02:04want to do is not take it personally.
02:06It's not about you, they're just either enjoying a flash of a little power or they want to
02:10make sure that you are robust.
02:13Like I said this in a job that I, my first professional gig I had a coding gig and my
02:21boss kept coming in to demand to know if I was done right and eventually I got up I clapped
02:29him on the shoulders and I said boss of mine when I'm done I will not pass go I will not
02:36collect $200 I'll come straight to your office and tell me you don't need to waste time coming
02:39I will, you will be the first person I tell you I absolutely promise you and he laughed
02:45and then he said, turned over and called to his secretary call up that fire dot doc or
02:50fire dot doc or something like that and we actually got along really well after that.
02:55So sometimes it is just a test to see if you have some robustness to your personality and
03:00if you do there's actually a kind of relief on the part of the person who's like a proto
03:04bully because then they can relax and stop with their worst instincts.
03:07Hi Steph, I've spoken to people in the past who clearly have delusions of grandeur which
03:11I think feeds into their narcissism or ameliorates their shortcomings but I admire people with
03:16a grandiose vision of their future.
03:18How do you go about helping someone determine whether or not their life aspirations are
03:21realistic?
03:22Thanks so much King, appreciate that, well you don't, you don't.
03:28I have always been a very ambitious person and I would view it as a sin against my life
03:35to keep it small, that is not what we're put here for and so but you can't you can't give
03:43other people their aspirations you simply can't do it you cannot make other people into
03:49what you want them to be you can't fill them full of your dreams and ambitious you can't
03:53help them that much maybe a little bit of guidance here and there if they want but don't
03:58get sucked into other people's ambitions and try to substitute your will for theirs.
04:04You know it's sort of like at the gym you can help someone work out you can spot them
04:09a little bit but you can't lift the weights for them.
04:12Learning this was a long painful process for me because I'm so enthusiastic and hardworking
04:18and positive and energetic and all of that that I would mistake other people I would
04:24mistake other people and that oh they're like me and they just need a little you know when
04:27people gave me a break I made the most of it and when other people are given breaks
04:31they tend to flub it so other people are not you.
04:35So the way that you know if somebody's ambitions are real it's actually very simple it's very
04:41very simple are they doing it right if somebody says I want to be a writer are they writing
04:47if somebody says I want to be an actor are they learning lines and scripts and taking
04:51acting classes and auditioning if somebody says I want to be a painter are they in fact
04:55painting if somebody says I want to be an entrepreneur are they coming up with business
04:59ideas are they reading books on entrepreneurship are they taking courses either online or just
05:03videos or anything to learn about entrepreneurship I mean are they you can help someone who's
05:09in motion you cannot will someone into motion you cannot infuse your willpower enthusiasm
05:14into other people that is a trick by which they drain you and advance in no way shape
05:20or form themselves.
05:22So yeah I mean I remember I dated a girl once who she was actually she was not young not
05:31young young and I dated a woman and she wanted to be an actress and so she threw her line
05:41of work she met a woman who was an agent in Los Angeles and said to the woman I want to
05:46be an actress specifically a movie actress and the woman said well you know you're very
05:51pretty but that's great but you need to join a theater group you need to see if you're
06:00good at acting you need to see if people like you as an actress you need to see if you enjoy
06:04it and so on so you know go do some theater it doesn't really matter what some local group
06:09amateur group it doesn't matter just get out on stage and gave a couple other tips and
06:14also said that yeah you know if you want to do movies your teeth are a little crooked
06:19on the side and you should probably get those straightened at some point anyway so did this
06:24woman join a theater group no she didn't do anything of the kind did she ever learn monologues
06:28did she practice monologues with her friends did she try to get feedback did she film well
06:33this is before you could really film yourself very easily but there was still video cameras
06:36around you could she could have done that did she do any of that nope she spent a year
06:40getting her teeth straightened and then this woman this agent had given her the contact
06:44info and she wanted a meeting with the agent she went for a meeting with the agent and
06:47she said my teeth are straightened I want to be a movie star I mean I'm paraphrasing
06:52but it was something like that and the woman said well let me see your resume she says
06:55well I haven't done any theater and she said but I have straightened my teeth and she said
06:59it's not the straight teeth that make you an actress it doesn't hurt but it's not what
07:03makes you an actress you actually have to do some acting and find out if you're any
07:05good or like nobody's gonna invest in you if you're in your early middle age and you've
07:11never set foot on stage and you want to be an actress so are people actually doing it
07:15that that's really all it comes down to are people doing it and if people aren't doing
07:20it I mean I don't have and this is you know this is sort of shaving people out of your
07:27life who are drags is if you want to achieve anything it's mostly about getting things
07:32out of the way they're in your way and one of the things that's going to be in your way
07:35the most is people who have ambitions and don't act on them who just talk and talk and
07:40talk and dream and dream and dream like they're gonna live forever like they can do whatever
07:44they want down the road no life is short life is short and you act now or you don't
07:50act and you should also be empirical with yourself if you have you know some big old
07:55dream and you find that you haven't acted on it right this isn't a card you find someplace
08:03up in cottage country where it says so I haven't written much lately neither has Shakespeare
08:09and you have to be rigid and you have to be straight with your own ambition so if
08:16you say oh I want to write songs okay then give yourself six months if you're not writing
08:22a couple of songs a week or a day if you're not playing your songs to people and asking
08:27for feedback if you're not going to you know amateur hour at the local coffee shop and
08:33getting your songs out there if you're not doing all of that then who cares like it's
08:39just talk it's just noise and you should not support it in yourself other people should
08:44not support it in you because that dreaming is keeping you from actually creating something
08:51and actually doing something so that's all just vanity and nonsense alright Steph would
08:56you say it is a rational decision for a single mom to start an OnlyFans account to support
09:00herself and her baby okay so you get welfare that's bad that's a long long question a moral
09:09to do OnlyFans instead of extracting money from taxpayers okay you clarified that nudity
09:18is not itself immoral what's not well it depends right I mean to me nudity sorry the display
09:25of flesh like if a woman wears a short skirt that's maybe unwise but it's not immoral obviously
09:31nudity is not at all good in public places I'm not a big fan of that at all except ripping
09:37off my shirt during a live stream but that's more the glory of my 57 year old frame but
09:44so and of course nudity around children is gross and bad and all of that so yeah no it's
09:54a rational decision okay so if you want to talk just empirical evidence almost no woman
09:59makes money off OnlyFans right it's the Pareto principle right 95% of the money goes to 5%
10:04of the women and the odds that you're one of those tiny percentage of women who has
10:08the work ethic I mean there is work ethic there's marketing there's all these kinds
10:12of business savvy that you need to have to run these kinds of accounts the odds are that
10:16you're one of these people as a single mom is very low it's very low so most women make
10:21very little from their OnlyFans account but they do incur a permanent liability because
10:27now of course men are aware that if you put together OnlyFans and sugar daddies and stripping
10:36and you name it there are some estimates that somewhere between 10 and 20% of women are
10:41engaged in sex work at one of one kind or another that statistic I've read it in a bunch
10:47of places I haven't obviously tracked down the source it seems ungodly high to me but
10:51then I'm an older generation where this stuff wasn't really a thing so men are aware of
10:56this and no man of quality is going to date a woman who's published sexual pictures of
11:02herself or movies of herself on the internet like it's just not it's too much of a liability
11:07because what why I mean you might sleep with that woman if you're not particularly ethical
11:12but you're not gonna marry her I mean it's just not gonna happen right because you want
11:16to move in the higher circles of business and so on and once that's found out you're
11:20gonna be laughed out of the room I mean I remember being in a business meeting many
11:24years ago a very high-level business meeting one of the guys had ordered a Russian bride
11:29so to speak right you'll see mail order brides and he was relentlessly marked for this and
11:33nobody took him seriously you just can't do it you can't do it and I don't care how much
11:38the stuff gets normalized it's just a it's a bad idea so you know there there are it's
11:45really important in life to know when there are no solutions available right that's really
11:53like there are no good answers there are no good answers what is it good answer for
11:57a single mom well the only good that she can do a lot of times is to be available as an
12:05example to other women of the cost of doing things right of don't don't carry before you
12:12marry right that's don't carry before you marry so sometimes it's like you know some
12:18guy who's been a chain smoker for 40 years and he gets a horrible lung cancer and dies
12:23a painful multi-year death that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars and destroys his finances
12:28and his family life and his happiness and the happiness of those around him so once
12:32he's got this sort of terminal lung cancer what's the solution there is no solution that
12:38there is no solution see the problem and one of the differences between men and women is
12:42men can screw up and skate on men can screw up for the most part like if you're not particularly
12:51ambitious in your early to mid 20s even into your late 20s you can hit the ground running
12:56in your late 20s early 30s and you can still get things going right i was in academia until
13:03my mid 20s later than twenty six twenty six or so and then i bailed into the business
13:09world and work i mean i work very hard in academia but i worked really hard in the software
13:14world right i mean i was working fifty sixty seventy eighty hours a week sometimes lots
13:17of travel i was a young man without kids and it was a blast for me i really enjoyed it
13:23so a young man can change careers he can make mistakes he can waste time he can do all of
13:29that and then he can still hit the ground running in his late 20s even into his early
13:33thirties it's possible so men can fail in their reproductive duties of being a highly
13:40productive provider and a protector men can fail in that and can recover women who fail
13:46in their reproductive duties have much less time to recover and if they try to recover
13:51in their early to mid thirties it's usually doomed and a woman who fails most fundamentally
13:58her reproductive duty which is to secure a protector and provider for her children
14:03by the single mom what can she do what's the solution there is no solution there is no
14:12good answer and knowing when there's no good answer in life what am i supposed to do it's
14:16like i mean to the guy who's who's you know it's obviously an extreme example to the guy
14:21who's dying of lung cancer what are you supposed to do what am i supposed to what you're supposed
14:26to not smoke like a chimney for 40 years or 30 years or whatever right as somebody
14:31who's really really fat and and wants a rich guy like a woman who's really fat and wants
14:37a rich guy it's like well what am i supposed to do well i mean you can try losing the weight
14:41but then you can end up with that sort of depending on your age that sort of hanging
14:44baggy skin and a woman who's lost weight still has the fat cells i mean unless i guess they
14:50got sucked out of her in some horrible liposuction thing so she still has the fat cells and she
14:59still has the mental dysfunction that caused her to gain all of the weight so it's still
15:03a red flag even if you lose the way i'm sorry like it this just the way that it is it's
15:07just the way that it is and so a woman who has failed to keep herself unchild did until
15:15she finds a provider and a protector and who keeps herself at a healthy weight see
15:20a woman as a whole tells you what you what she thinks you deserve by her appearance right
15:26so if she keeps herself trim and healthy and and looks good and does her hair in ways that
15:31you find attractive doesn't cut it short and stuff like that she's saying that you deserve
15:36a woman who was attractive by your standards right by your standards i am in of course
15:42a monogamous marriage and so i owe it to myself my wife to stay physically attractive
15:49and healthy right have a little muscle and you have some good posture and i use a face
15:56cream to make sure i don't age too fast so you know and my wife works out to to keep
16:01herself healthy and attractive to me and that's that's just natural once you have a monogamy
16:05your standard should go up not down sorry once you have a monopoly which i guess is
16:09like monogamy your standards should go up not down so if a woman is a overweight she's
16:19saying you don't deserve what you find attractive it is an act of of hostility towards men right
16:27which is to say that i know what you find attractive because it's very easy to know
16:32what men find attractive i i know what men find attractive i'm not doing that for you
16:38it is a form of aggression people is always low self-esteem and so on it's like this low
16:42self-esteem thing like that's just a catch all excuse which explains virtually nothing
16:47but no it's an act of hey man you get what i want you to get not what you want right
16:54and so that sort of selfishness and not focusing on the needs of someone else that means that
17:00you're gonna be a bad partner in life a good partner focuses on your needs and you focus
17:04on her needs and if you have to you know i work out six to eight hours a week and i
17:11do that in part because i have a monogamous marriage and i want to be attractive to my
17:15wife because that's respect to her right and so a woman who is completely lets herself
17:22go even before she gets married well that's just saying it's arrogantly saying that your
17:28needs don't matter your preferences don't matter and that's just it's a giant signal
17:34for a bad partner you know i mean men don't want weird hair dyes men don't want a lot
17:39of tattoos men don't want an overweight woman men don't want a woman who's just difficult
17:43and argumentative and all of that and so women who display these characteristics are saying
17:49that they don't care what men want okay well if you don't care what i want if my needs
17:54and preferences are immaterial to you then i ain't gonna wife you i'm not even gonna
17:58girlfriend you i mean thanks but you know probably be bad in bed too so yeah i mean
18:06it's a bad idea to go the only fans route and and here's the thing too it's a liability
18:10for your kids right i mean the reverse image searching and all of this like it's not out
18:15there forever and it's a massive liability for your kids so all right i just got a job
18:22doing something i love i'm working really hard i'm good at it it turns out my boss is
18:25passive-aggressive now he's getting angry while walking away when i showed him my solution
18:29to a problem we have it's bizarre i might have to quit what is passive-aggressive behavior
18:34all about i'm walking on eggshells at the moment trying to guess if i have done the
18:39good thing or a bad thing yeah i mean you know bosses are not gods they're human beings
18:45they have their strengths and weaknesses and i don't know what the big problem is with
18:49a direct conversation right so so you talk about this guy being passive-aggressive but
18:54you're quitting rather than talking to him directly if you feel confused by the boss
18:58you say you say sit down with him in his office and say you know i'm kind of confused and
19:03frustrated because i'm not sure what you want and it may be the problems on my end i'm certainly
19:08happy to get coaching on that but i find i come to work i show you stuff it's not what
19:13you want i'm not sure what you want and obviously you're my boss i kind of have to please you
19:18but i also have to enjoy my work and what can we do about this and then you you give
19:23some examples now have stuff that is clear right don't have come in with a sheaf of documentation
19:27because that's kind of intimidating but have stuff and rehearse the conversation with friends
19:31so that you know what you're doing and just have an honest conversation with your boss
19:35i mean you're passive-aggressive if you're upset with someone and you're just gonna quit
19:40rather than like why would you quit rather than have an honest conversation with your
19:44boss and say i i'm not sure what it is that you're looking for i'm i'm confused and maybe
19:51it's on my end maybe it's something between us maybe you're unclear at times but i just
19:56you know obviously i want to please you i want to have a good time working i love this
19:58position i love the company i love the business but there is for me you know there's a kind
20:03of friction and i just want to try and work it out and just you know maybe the boss has
20:07got some frustrations about you i mean you sound a little on the passive-aggressive side
20:10if rather than have an honest direct conversation you're just gonna quit that's like instead
20:16of saying i'm not enjoying the game you just take your ball and go home oh that's that's
20:22not great so your passive aggression and avoidance is probably probably one of the reasons why
20:29he gets annoyed so you see anxiety everybody thinks oh anxiety is a me problem no anxiety
20:36is very often a management of others it's it's a it's a passive-aggressive manipulation
20:42of others right so you get anxious and other people are supposed to change what they do
20:46right rather than you just having a direct conversation with someone and saying this
20:52is not working or there's a just being honest be honest with people who just have all of
20:57this anxiety and you just radiate this anxiety and it's just a form of manipulation like
21:01other people are supposed to notice your anxiety and change everything they do in order to
21:05accommodate your anxiety and if they don't do that you're gonna quit man i'd find you
21:09annoying to manage to.
21:12What i mean it is of course it is a boss it's your job to sit down with the employee and
21:16saying you seem kinda high strung what's what's happening that that things are getting so
21:21nervous nerve wracking for you cuz i don't want you to be nervous and nerve wracking
21:24in the job with me and managing employees anxiety is part of being a boss but you might
21:30be a handful you might be more of a handful and rather than saying how much fun is it
21:34for my boss that i'm terrified walking on eggshells and anxious you say my boss is
21:39a bad guy and i'm gonna quit right so look at it from your boss's standpoint i mean even
21:43if you disagree with your boss even if your boss is a total jerk look at it from his standpoint
21:48you may be feeding into his jerkiness like look most people just respond to the cues
21:52they don't have integrity they don't have morals of their own they just respond to cues
21:56that's all they're doing and if you're giving all of this nervous being bullied anxiety
22:01manipulation cues he's gonna respond to that and it might bring out the bully in him so
22:05alright.
22:06Hey Steph I often suffer from anxiety in conversations specifically I have a fear that I'm being
22:11boring which in my mind becomes a massive issue I was having a conversation with you
22:15yesterday you said you were finding the conversation interesting as I was and no one else had wanted
22:21to ask a question I read through the comments afterwards and a couple of people had stated
22:24they were bored this made me feel just awful and my first instinct was basically to leave
22:29and never come back why does this bother me so much well the first people who need
22:37to find you interesting are your parents right the first people who need to find you interesting
22:42are your parents if your parents aren't interested in you it's it's their fault it's their job
22:49right so I love chatting with my daughter I find her thoughts and insights just fascinating
22:54but part of the reason why she's developed these thoughts and insights is because I find
22:58them fascinating you fish for your children being interesting like you fish for fish in
23:03a lake right I mean you put you know you find them interesting and because you find them
23:07interesting I mean sure you've had it where somebody's really fascinated by what you're
23:10saying and you get this kind of goosebump prickle in the soul about like you go deeper
23:14and it gets better and and your conversation is better because of all of that so I would
23:20imagine that your parents were depressed or disassociative or maybe sadistic because you
23:26owe kids attention you owe them your interest in the same way that you owe them food and
23:30shelter and medical care and so your parents probably did not find you interesting and
23:36then of course this is the woman I think you were talking about 30 to 40 guys approach
23:42you a night at the bar so you know you're very attractive and so because your parents
23:47didn't find you interesting and because you were very attractive you just didn't have
23:50to work to be interesting like men we have to work on our conversational skills we have
23:54to learn how to be funny we have to learn how to be engaging we have to work learn how
23:58to be charismatic we have to learn all of this stuff because men don't get approached
24:0330 to 40 times a night right so a combination of parental indifference plus very high levels
24:09of sexual attractiveness has probably had you not work on your conversational skills
24:16because it's funny like we did this sort of flash live stream and I think most people
24:20were at work so they were just listening so I was asking people what they wanted to talk
24:23about and you stepped up to talk which I found very interesting and the view of life
24:29from a very attractive young woman is very interesting right because that's very different
24:35from most men's experience it's kind of the opposite from most men's experience and so
24:43any man who says he's bored by the perspective of a very attractive young woman is lying
24:50I mean he's just lying right so he's a lot of men when they meet very attractive young
24:56women have a desire to knock them down a peg or two so that they're in the realm of what
25:01the man could possibly get so a very strong confident attractive intelligent young woman
25:07is going to be out of reach for most men so what they do is they'll try and find a way
25:11you know it's called negging and stuff like that where have you lost a little bit of weight
25:18you know which implies that you were overweight and a little bit implies that you're still
25:22overweight so it's just nagging it's a way of knocking girls down a peg so that you can
25:26get within their reach you know it's kind of like if the basketball is stuck on the
25:31hoop and you don't have a ladder you just throw things at it to knock it down right
25:34you just knock it down so that you can get the ball back so people stating that they're
25:39bored is interesting right so like I'm a professional communicator it's kind of what I do and so
25:47if I find you interesting other people should say well gee if Steph finds her interesting
25:52maybe there's something in the conversation that I'm not aware of rather than well Steph
25:55finds a really interesting and but she's boring right so that's just resentment against the
26:00attractive and resentment against the attractive is the foundation of just about everything
26:04like those tall Afghani style dogs are rare because they were a Russian breed and after
26:10the 1917 communist coup the communists associated these absolutely beautiful dogs with the aristocracy
26:18herded the dogs out in fields and shot them that's this resentment of the beautiful this
26:22resentment of the attractive these resentment of the successful I mean I really go into
26:27this in great detail in my 10-hour presentation on the French Revolution which you can get
26:31it in the premium section at free domain dot com slash subscribe star sorry I'm not
26:40even close to that sorry I was I was short circuiting you can go to free domain dot local
26:44dot com you can go to subscribe star dot com slash free domain sign up for a subscription
26:49you get this I go into this this right so this a communist revolution is just a bunch
26:53of of ugly bitter people shooting beautiful dogs in a field because a beauty is a predator
27:00to ugliness right because ugliness can't compete so I have almost never I've almost
27:07never ever seen comments saying I'm finding this boring well it's coming from resentment
27:15against the attractive and resentment against the attractive is tough because you want is
27:21sour grapes like you want somebody who's attractive but if you can't attract someone who's attractive
27:25then you just get resentful right they're just boring right so don't take it with any
27:29particular seriousness and I would look more into the childhood stuff all right hey Steph
27:35I recently sold two beloved horses I've had for 15 years I no longer can ride them due
27:39to back issues and I've been holding on to them just because I felt terrible for selling
27:42them being fearful they will be abused or mistreated I know logically I made the right
27:46decision because the new owner is going to give them a proper life and use them but emotionally
27:49I feel sad and depressed especially first thing in the morning when I go out to the
27:53barn to feed all the animals and their presence is no longer there my question is to you Stephen
27:58is in life when it comes to these kinds of decisions will it always be the case you are
28:01darned if you do and darned if you don't either decision you make will there be a lingering
28:06regret I totally understand this is a first world problem and I need to realize there
28:10are so many more difficult things to worry get upset about I try to snap back into a
28:14that reality and ground myself again thank you for your time and endless education well
28:19it's become a fetish I'm gonna be frank with you I the pet thing I don't get I don't get
28:23the pet thing I had pets when I was a kid I love dogs my daughter and I donate to and
28:27go to the a cat shelter on a regular basis and she loves cats and I love pets I don't
28:33get this a fetish this is fetish territory sorry man you know every human desire is subject
28:39to a bell curve right every human desire is subject to a bell curve right so if you like
28:46a woman let's say with a big butt then there's these weird Brazilian butt lifts that turn
28:50them into apple cheeks step ladders right these buts that go out for three feet well
28:55that's gross that's that's too much right and so it's only flat but might not be appealing
29:00to you but some absolutely weird cartoon incredibles mom inflated cyber dump truck is going to
29:06be unattractive to you right if you're a boob guy maybe you like a larger boobs but then
29:11this you know the boobs the size of that weird guy with the prosthetic breasts and that's
29:16too much right so every every human desire is subject to a bell curve so if you look
29:20at sort of the history of animal husbandry right of domesticating animals was essential
29:26to the survival of a particularly those of us who grew up in ancestors with cold climates
29:32right in particular the east asians in siberia and those in the north of europe and so on
29:40we needed animals to survive so you would want to develop a strong attachment to your
29:45animals and i remember feeling this you know when my my daughter when she was very little
29:51and she would grip a frog too tight because if she was enthusiastic and didn't you know
29:55obviously that's kind of common it only happened once or twice but i felt this like horror
29:59in my veins oh be careful right and and because you know i mean it's a frog it's not like
30:05this going to change the ecosystem if the frog gets squeezed too much but that's a sort
30:08of existential horror of hurting the pets so to speak of hurting the animals so an attachment
30:17to your animals as a means of survival is essential to animal husbandry you have to
30:22have a strong attachment to animals you have to really care about your animals in order
30:26to survive right so having if you completely indifferent to your animals they're going
30:31to wander off they're going to die you won't build the fence and you'll die right if you're
30:35over attached to animals you can use them as a substitute for actually having a wife
30:39and kids and then your genes die off as well so every if you look at every human desire
30:44as a bell curve right people who don't care about food are often underweight and don't
30:50have much energy and so on have to remind themselves to eat and that's not healthy and
30:54people who are too attached to food end up eating too much have digestive problems get
30:58overweight get gout or whatever it is right so if you look at all human desires as an
31:05Aristotelian mean as a bell curve right then that's that's healthy right you want to know
31:11where you sit on the bell curve right so you obviously don't want to be indifferent to
31:14your pets because then you wouldn't have pets and and you'd be kind of out of the whole
31:17human evolution thing of being attached to your pets or your livestock or your creatures
31:22right these were more than just livestock for you they were pets and so you want to
31:27be attached to your pets and you also don't want to be over attached to your pets because
31:34then that can be kind of a fetish and it can be a substitute for other relationships right
31:38so we all know this is cliche right a woman who's indifferent to who has cats and is indifferent
31:43to them is not healthy right that's not good why we have cats and they'd be indifferent
31:47to them but a woman who's way too attached to her cats is substituting cats for something
31:54else right so your pets should serve your flourishing and your survival and the survival
32:00of your genes and your family and your reproduction and so on right so everyone knows that a guy
32:07with a dog is more attractive to a lot of women than a guy without a dog because he's
32:10shown he can care and protect and provide and take care of and is willing to sacrifice
32:13himself get up early go for walks so a guy with a dog is attractive I get that and I've
32:19no issue or problem with that guys with reptiles and snakes are just to me radiating sociopathy
32:25but that's just a subjective opinion it's kind of weird to me but you know guys with
32:30little poodle purses purse poodles is not not great so a guy with a reasonably robust
32:35dog is attractive to women that's good but a guy who has you know five dogs and doesn't
32:40talk to women because he gets all this emotional needs sacrificed by his captive dogs is not
32:46healthy right so beloved horses no they're just horses I mean you can be attached to
32:52them obviously you care for them and that's great and you you have an attachment to them
32:55and that's great they're just horses they don't love you they don't have much of a brain
33:00they just attach and say oh but they're so affectionate it's like yeah but not to your
33:04virtues other than being nice to them right it was nice to his dogs doesn't make him a
33:08good guy right so when you think that the horses love you then you've gone into fetish
33:16territory when you think that your pets love you they don't you know I mean it's childish
33:21like every kid wants animals to trust oh trust me I'm gonna be nice to you in this
33:24feed the squirrel you want the squirrels to love you and all of that because you want
33:27the squirrels to see your good intention and so on but of course squirrels know that creatures
33:31will fake good intentions to capture them so you want the animals to like you but you
33:42understand it's just imprinting so you know when my daughter has her ducklings and we
33:46go places and they follow after us it's the cutest thing in the world but they're just
33:51pretty but it's imprinting and I say to her I say to her this is wonderfully cute but
33:55you understand they don't care about us they just want larger creatures around so they're
33:59protected from predators it's not like they've evaluated our character and have found us
34:02to be loving wonderful virtuous courageous people we're just bigger people who feed them
34:08right and so an animal cannot love you an animal can be attached to you if you treat
34:13it well that's just how they're biologically programmed it's not virtue it's not love your
34:19horses your beloved horses like that's weird I'm sorry that's just weird and and you're
34:23using the horses as a substitute you can't love horses because horses can't be virtuous
34:29they can't be courageous in the face of moral challenges they can't be assertive when bad
34:33people are saying bad things they can't be like they're attached they're bonded I get
34:38all of that they're herd animals so they attach to people and so on and the dogs don't
34:44even care about you they just you know you've seen all of these I saw this video once that
34:49this woman trying to work out and the dog kept trying to hump her right I mean you've
34:52seen dolphins try to hump their trainers right in in the I mean they're just animals they're
34:58just bonded and biochemically attached and it's not virtue and it's not you and it's
35:04not love and the beloved horses I just find it strange sorry I'm just gonna be honest
35:08with you it means that that you feel I guess I don't know maybe you've got a wife and and
35:15twelve kids I don't know who love you and adore you but if you did then why would you
35:18need to love horses it's just weird to me so I think that you probably feel lonely and
35:25you are selling a substitute the animals and and the affection and and quote love of animals
35:32is a dopamine drug substitute for the love of genuinely virtuous and courageous and
35:38moral human beings it is you are using them as a drug and when you get rid of your drug
35:42and you can no longer get your drug you go through withdrawal and you're going through
35:46in my view withdrawal from a fetish substitute for highly engaged in quality human relationships
35:52so go out and find someone to love.
35:56Alright regarding the last episode about codependency what to do if one has a high codependency
36:02score well a high codependency score it comes from having to bond people you have to bond
36:07with people regardless of their virtues and that's just you have to go through the pain
36:10of having been abused and neglected or rejected by a parent if that what's happened a therapy
36:15can help with that are you planning on translating peaceful parenting yeah I mean if if I don't
36:22have any particular plans like I haven't hired a whole bunch of people to translate peaceful
36:26parenting I'm still working on the shortened version so if you want to help out with that
36:30I would really appreciate it and let me know of course the peaceful parenting AI is in
36:35a bunch of languages so that's one another thing right I would like to know if you have
36:40an opinion on people who lack empathy and as a result have harmed others Warren Farrell
36:45says that empathy generally is taught to children in general by their fathers and perhaps if
36:49a person was raised without the presence of a strong father they just don't have empathy
36:53and do not even know or understand that they may have done harm to other people since they
36:56are in the unknown they may never offer an apology so these people just be avoided because
37:00if that window of brain development lacked the teaching necessary to confer empathy they
37:04are now originally fixed and will never change or do you think that there is some neuroplasticity
37:08and with philosophy therapy or some other kind of intervention these kinds of people
37:11can be changed and be able to participate in healthy relationships thank you why do
37:16you care this is an important question right I think about this with regards to giant birds
37:22floating around me I think about this with regards to like why do you care why do you
37:27care right do you care because you fear that you lack empathy and want to know if you're
37:32lovable do you care because there's someone in your life who lacks empathy and you want
37:35to find out if you can fix them and love them like why do you care and generally if you
37:41want me to answer a question that's you know kind of intense and kind of abstract I need
37:48to know why you care right like I had a question from the other guy he's like well you said
37:52this about parents and then later you said this about families and then now there's this
37:55about families and can you reconcile this that and the other it's like I mean I it's
37:59a big complicated thing and I need to know why why do you care why do you care why do
38:03you care whether a lack of empathy can be fixed right why why do you care well the answer
38:11is obvious it's because you don't want to reform your life in order to have relationships
38:17with people who already have empathy why do you want to try and get into the dangerous
38:22process of fixing other people without empathy which may or may not work and the problem
38:27with empathy is you lack empathy for yourself which means you don't have an observing ego
38:31which means you don't have really the capacity to compare proposed behaviors to ideal standards
38:35which means you don't have much of a conscience which means you can't be fixed much I mean
38:40can people without empathy be fixed I mean I guess so but why would you want to bother
38:46with that why would you want to bother with that so let's say that empathy being fixed
38:54is like those really weird cases where people have terminal stage four all through their
38:59body cancer and there's just spontaneous remission right or they just they just get better it
39:03happens and I don't know like one in ten thousand I don't have no idea what the numbers are
39:08spontaneous remission of cancer I suppose it happens and and so on right so if you say
39:14well I want I want a healthy partner so what are the odds that somebody with terminal cancer
39:22is just gonna spontaneously recover and be fine are the odds zero no I don't think there's
39:27zero are they high probably not so the question is why don't you just if you want to have
39:31a healthy partner why do you care about spontaneous remission of terminal cancer why don't you
39:36just find a healthy partner and not date someone who's got terminal cancer and cross your fingers
39:41and hope they get better that would be the logical thing to do right it's like what are
39:46the odds that somebody who's you know four hundred pounds can get to a healthy weight
39:50and stay there for the rest of their life and and not have any hit any ill health effects
39:54from being overweight it's like could it happen I suppose I suppose it could happen so why
40:02would you want to date someone who's four hundred pounds and cross your fingers and
40:05hope that they become slender and have no lingering health effects from being overweight
40:10why don't you just choose someone who's slender to begin with see all of this talk of fix
40:14fix fix and what are the odds and it's like you need to know me why you need to tell me
40:18why it matters because the only reason it matters is either because you lack empathy
40:25or because someone you care about lacks empathy and you want to know how to fix them
40:29well philosophy can't fix anyone any more than a diet book can make you thin or an exercise book
40:41can give you muscles a cat philosophy can't fix anyone people can't be fixed people can be shown
40:50the right path and they can choose to walk it that's it that's it that's all there is and if
40:55you get into the endless bottomless vacuous black hole of trying to encourage people and
41:01convince people and conjole people no you should be good no you should do this no you should lose
41:05weight no you should work out no you should be kinder no you should go to therapy no you should
41:09do so my god do you think you're gonna live forever and you have an endless and inexhaustible
41:14coins of days to spend wasting chasing people around to do good right you tell people I don't
41:21think you're doing good here's how to do good and you see what happens that's it man that's it that's
41:26all there is that's all there is nothing else if somebody around you is really overweight you say
41:31this is unhealthy here's a book on dieting here's someone who can help you with your diet I would
41:37really recommend you get a nutritionist and an exercise coach and you know that's it that's it
41:43that's all you do it's all you do that and nothing else do not get sucked into trying to become
41:50somebody else's brain oh my gosh and I say this with all humility lord knows it's tempting
41:56because you feel like you're doing good by nagging and you're not you're just wasting time
42:00and every time you nag someone you're reinforcing that they can't do it themselves it's an absolute
42:05disaster as a whole don't do it really tempting I understand the temptation I really do you got
42:12to be strict with yourself if someone's a heavy smoker or is damaging their health over time
42:18probably through smoking you say hey I think you should quit smoking you know there's like
42:22uh there's there's patches there's a hypnotherapy there's there's a smokers groups you know you
42:27should really quit smoking and then if they keep smoking you shut up and move on because there are
42:33people out there like can you imagine I just find some random person uh let's say I was a coach right
42:40of a I don't know a relay a running relay race team right and I just uh I find some some tubby
42:50guy in the neighborhood and I say man you should join my my running race team right that's what
42:55you should do and then I keep going over ding dong hey man are you off the couch are you exercising
43:01and he's not doing anything he's not exercising he's gaining weight and I'm just like I keep
43:05going over ding dong hey man you should really do this I can't believe you haven't gained weight
43:08what's the matter with you let me let's go to the grocery store and I'll pick you out the healthy
43:12foods I'll even prepare them for you and I'll I'll put them in your mouth and I'll move your jaws for
43:16you and I'll pretend to digest for you and ding dong hey you should come out and you should come
43:19out and get for a walk man you're not you know you're not getting much sunshine and ding dong
43:23hey if you learn to do those hamstring stretches and those those hurdler stretches that I taught
43:27you and ding oh my god god stop wasting your time who do you put on your running race team
43:36well the lean guy who's in great shape who shows up says I'll do anything to be on this running
43:42race team that's who you do that's who you put on your ding dong hey you know my running race team
43:46you're gonna be in my mini race team are you sure I can't believe you can't believe you're not
43:49feeling my running race team I got it it's an it's addictive behavior it's completely addictive
43:54behavior and incredibly destructive to everyone involved you're annoying the person who's not
43:59going to change you're giving yourself some bizarre life-changing vanity that you can just
44:04talk people into changing their fundamental personalities no do you find just some random
44:10guy to be the lead singer for your band whether he can sing or not and just give him singing
44:13lessons and nag him to sing better it's like no who who's you know who uh who became the singer
44:18for queen was freddie mercury he was their roadie and he's like well you guys should do this you
44:22need costumes you need to make it a show I'm gonna sing for you and I'm you know you've got to write
44:26your own material you can't make it in the music business without writing your own material and
44:30he just nagged but he got up and he sounded bad at the beginning he ran all over the stage
44:34he bellowed it took him a while to discover how to use his voice properly and all of that but he
44:38was massively enthusiastic and pushing them and they didn't need to convince him to be their singer
44:46just fall into your march in life with people already in motion if you circle back to try and
44:54drag people out of the quicksand of their own laziness and indifference you get stuck everyone
44:58else moves on and your life turns to shit don't do it man freedomain.com slash donate mauling you out