#ABitOfFryAndLaurie #BritishSitcom #1989TVShow #StephenFry #HughLaurie #UKComedy #BritishHumor #ClassicSitcom #FryAndLaurie #BritishTelevision #ComedyDuo #BBCComedy #SketchComedy #UKTV #BritishSketchShow #TVComedy #ClassicBritishTV #StephenFryFans #HughLaurieFans #BritishActors #ComedyLegends #ClassicComedy #BritishTVComedy #UKSitcom #TVClassics #BritishCultTV #ComedyGold #ComedySketches #UKTelevision #FryLaurie #BritishEntertainment #BritishTVClassics #1980sComedy #CultComedy #BritishSketchComedy #TVSketchShow #BBCSitcom #BritishCultComedy #ComedySeries #BritishActorsComedy #StephenFryAndHughLaurie #BBCClassic #UKTVComedy #ComedyIcons #FryAndLaurieShow #BritishTVIcons #BBCSketchShow #BritishTVComedyClassics #ClassicComedyShow #UKTVSeries #IconicComedy #BritishTelevisionComedy #TVComedyLegends #FryAndLaurieFans #ComedyIconsUK #BritishComedyClassics #StephenFryAndHughLaurieShow #ClassicBritishComedy #SketchShow #UKTVIcons #ClassicTVSketches #ComedySketchSeries #BritishTVFavorites #BritishSitcoms #StephenFryShow #HughLaurieShow #BritishTVSeries #ClassicBritishHumor #ComedyDuos #FryAndLaurieComedy #BritishTVShows #UKClassicTV #BritishComedyIcons #BBCComedyShow #ComedyLegendsUK #ClassicBritishSitcoms #UKComedyShow #BritishTVHistory #ComedySeriesUK #FryLaurieComedy #1980sBritishTV #ClassicBBCComedy #StephenFryAndHughLaurieFans #CultBritishComedy #BritishComedyLegends #UKComedySketches #1989BritishTV #ClassicBritishTVShows #StephenFryAndHughLaurieFans
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00♪
00:30♪
00:40♪
00:50♪
01:20HE MUMBLES
01:22HE MUMBLES
01:24HE MUMBLES
01:26HE MUMBLES
01:28HE MUMBLES
01:30HE MUMBLES
01:32HE MUMBLES
01:34HE MUMBLES
01:36HE MUMBLES
01:38HE MUMBLES
01:40HE MUMBLES
01:42HE MUMBLES
01:44HE MUMBLES
01:46HE MUMBLES
01:48HE MUMBLES
01:50HE MUMBLES
01:52HE MUMBLES
01:54HE MUMBLES
01:56HE MUMBLES
01:58HE MUMBLES
02:00HE MUMBLES
02:02LAUGHTER
02:04HE MUMBLES
02:06HE MUMBLES
02:08HE MUMBLES
02:10HE MUMBLES
02:12HE MUMBLES
02:14HE MUMBLES
02:16LAUGHTER
02:20Clothing.
02:22Plunk.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:25Shote.
02:27Cucking.
02:29Skank.
02:31Fusk.
02:33Pimpslider.
02:35We weren't going to use that one.
02:37No, you, remember, that's a bit too much.
02:40What? Pimpslider? Shh.
02:42Sorry. Right.
02:44So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our first sketch, crammed with these
02:52vicious swear words.
02:53Um, now then, Sergeant Henderson, perhaps you'd care to tell the court what the accused
02:58said at the moment of arrest.
03:00Yes, sir.
03:01May I consult my notes, my lord?
03:03Certainly, certainly, certainly, by all means, yes.
03:07I apprehended the accused and advised him of his rights.
03:10He replied, why don't you ram it up your pimhole, you fusking cloth-prunker?
03:16Now, forgive my ignorance, Mr Clarkson, but what exactly is a cloth-prunker?
03:22Um, well, my lord, it's a, um, an illicit practice whereby one person, um, whereby one
03:29person, ahem, frangulates another's plib, my lord.
03:34Say that, he does what?
03:37He or she gratifies the other party by smuctating them avially.
03:42Oh, how absolutely disgusting.
03:44Do people really do that sort of thing?
03:48I believe so, my lord.
03:49Very well, carry on.
03:50Ahem, thank you, my lord.
03:51Um, so, uh, Sergeant Henderson, after you arrested the accused, you took him to the
03:55police station.
03:56Do you have a transcript of the interrogation that ensued?
03:58I have, sir, yes.
03:59Um, I asked him if he could explain his whereabouts on the night in question.
04:03He replied, I was in all night, wasn't I, you pimp-slider?
04:07Pimp-slider?
04:08Ah, yes, my lord, a pimp-slider.
04:10Thank you, Mr Clarkson, I'm not entirely ignorant in these matters.
04:13I beg your pardon, my lord.
04:15I did go to Winchester, you know.
04:18Ahem, so, um, Sergeant, um, he said, uh, skank off, you clothing cuck.
04:25You're all a load of shoat-bag fuskers, so prunk that up your prime-ministering pimp-hole.
04:32Oh!
04:34And what did you say to that?
04:36Uh, I told him to mind his f***ing language, my lord.
04:40Glad he won't think so.
04:45Well, I thought the whole thing was, um, disgusting.
04:49I thought the whole thing was simply disgusting.
04:51Yes, did you ever...
04:52I mean, there was no warning given, uh, as to what was in store, none whatsoever.
04:57We have the producer with us.
04:58Now, for goodness sake, what if my children had been watching, hmm?
05:02I mean, no thought had been given to this at all.
05:04Did your children actually see the programme?
05:05No, no, no, no.
05:06No, they didn't.
05:07They didn't see it, no.
05:08But only thanks to the purest good fortune
05:11that they don't actually happen to have been born yet.
05:15Otherwise, I, I dread to think what damage may have been caused.
05:18It was simply disgusting.
05:20Yes, I think...
05:21Simply disgusting.
05:23Terry?
05:25Simply disgusting.
05:28Mr. Producer, do you feel, Colin, that you...
05:35This is obviously a very, um, very difficult problem.
05:38Uh, perhaps, um, it might help if I explained
05:41that I don't give a flying toss about Mrs. Baxter.
05:47Um...
05:49I beg your pardon?
05:50Now, I've only got an estimated, um, 47 years left on this planet.
05:55I don't propose to waste any more of them
05:57in idle chatter with a confused old gasbag right here.
06:03So, to talk to a friend about making another programme,
06:06which I fully expect and hope will irritate you
06:09and your half-witted friends even more.
06:11Goodbye.
06:15So, Mrs. Barrett, are you satisfied with what you've heard?
06:22Well, not really, no.
06:23Tough.
06:25Colin Asdale, a last word from you?
06:28Pimhole.
06:30I had shares in gas, water, electricity, the lot,
06:33but then the government sold them all, unfortunately.
06:37Yes, I've had sexual intercourse with her, yes.
06:40But only in the biblical sense.
06:47Ah, good morning.
06:49Sir, it is a good morning.
06:52Sir is handsomely right to say so.
06:55Yes, right.
06:56Was, sir, aware, I'm in the business of wondering,
06:59that I made so bold as to remark to the youngest of my mothers
07:02earlier today on the goodness of the morning
07:04as she wheeled me into an upright position?
07:07Was, sir, in an awareness of that?
07:10Uh, no, no, I had no idea.
07:12Here is a morning, mother of my bosom, I averred,
07:15as fine and crisp and gutty as any since the days
07:18that Compton and Edgeridge opened for England
07:20and the sun never went down on the British
07:22without asking permission first.
07:25Did you?
07:27Sir, I did, I did, sir.
07:30And if two broad-shouldered, long-fingered young men
07:33such as ourselves can come independently to the conclusion
07:36that the morning they are currently experiencing
07:38is one of a goodness, then one of a goodness it most assuredly is.
07:42Really?
07:43Really, sir, and you can spank me quietly
07:45with the shammy leather of it, isn't, sir?
07:48Aha.
07:49But, sir, didn't come into this shop
07:51to trade insults with me on the state of the morning,
07:53unless I am more vastly mistaken
07:55than a man who thinks that Hilaire Bellocq is still alive?
07:58No, no, I've...
07:59Do sit down, sir.
08:01Oh, thank you very much.
08:03No, sir has brought his fine, efficiently-worn young frame
08:07into this shop with the express purpose
08:10of going about the business of buying some jewellery.
08:13Am I close to the mark?
08:15Yes, that's more or less right, yes.
08:18Do you mind if we stand up, sir?
08:20I think perhaps your sitting-down idea
08:22was a little ahead of its time.
08:25Yes, now, the thing is, I'm getting engaged next week.
08:28Would you like an opal fruit?
08:32A nice strawberry opal fruit, or indeed any flavour?
08:35Ah, well, yes, yes, that would be very nice, thank you.
08:38I won't be long.
08:44Where are you going?
08:45Where am I going?
08:46Yes.
08:48It's a sweet shop not two miles away from here,
08:51and I happen to know that they sell opal fruits.
08:54No, no, no, really, don't bother.
08:56Don't bother?
08:57No, really.
08:58Is sir in absolute possession of sureness in this regard?
09:01I just came in here for an engagement ring.
09:03I merely thought that if you had an opal fruit on you...
09:06On me?
09:07Sir, I have no opal fruit on me.
09:09I can and will go further.
09:11I have never had an opal fruit on me.
09:13Perhaps sir would like to check the top of my head,
09:16Sir, I am chastened and bowed.
09:18Ever the man of affairs, sir, has reminded us all,
09:21all of our duty.
09:22An engagement ring for sir.
09:24That's right.
09:25What flavour of engagement ring have you in mind?
09:28Flavour? What are you talking about?
09:30Just my little joke.
09:32You'll humour a dying man.
09:34We have a large range of engagement rings,
09:37which I would ask sir to cast over with sir's eyes,
09:40which I cannot help but notice are of a startling cobalt blue
09:44that would go very well with the wallpaper
09:47in one of my godnieces' back rooms.
09:49Right, I'm leaving.
09:50How about this one, sir?
09:51What?
09:52This one here, sir.
09:55Er, what?
09:56Yes, that's...
09:57That's quite nice.
09:58Sir, the issue of the quite niceness of this particular ring
10:01has been raised in Prime Minister's question time.
10:04Well, how much is this one?
10:06I would be wrong to let it go for more than 40,000 of your earth pounds.
10:1440,000 pounds?
10:16I would be equally at fault if I let it go for less than 90.
10:21Right, so it's between 40,000 pounds and 90.
10:24Sir is as dogged in his pursuit of detail
10:27as Roy Walker, presenter of the never-popular catchphrase,
10:31is dogged in his pursuit of a thick earlet.
10:35Yes.
10:36Perhaps you could, in preference to me walking out of here
10:39just after hitting you very hard in the face,
10:42just tell me the frigging price.
10:46Since, er, has been kind enough never to be Peter Sissons,
10:49I can let him have it for 218 poundingtons.
10:54218 pounds?
10:55218 pounds, that should be.
11:00That's what I said.
11:01That's what you said. I barely spoke at all.
11:03Right, well, could you put it in a presentation box, please?
11:06There's no need, sir. I'll wear it straight away.
11:10I beg your pardon?
11:11And I really think you should talk to Father.
11:13He's upstairs in the cellar.
11:15Right, no, I really am leaving.
11:17Leaving, but we're engaged.
11:18Goodbye.
11:22Men are such bastards.
11:26If you still remember my first ever girlfriend,
11:31her name was Latifa.
11:34And she was something like the chief engineer
11:37on a Syrian minesweeper.
11:41I met her at a party in High Wycombe.
11:43Nice girl. A bit soppy, but nice.
11:46And then there was Judith.
11:49Judith was amazing.
11:51I met her, let me see,
11:53at the semi-final of the Daily Telegraph crossword competition.
12:00I can't remember when.
12:02Peterborough, I think it must have been.
12:04And she cheated, I'm afraid.
12:06She had a dictionary hidden in her tights.
12:09But then so did I.
12:14Judith worked for the Bader-Meinhof group.
12:17I don't know, the secretary or something.
12:19But she was the one who introduced me to Lola,
12:21who I eventually married.
12:23Quite by accident, as it happens.
12:25Lola was flying VC-10s for British Airways.
12:28Or VOAC, as it was then.
12:30And I was on board when she did this emergency landing in Helsinki.
12:36Because of an undercarriage failure or something.
12:38And I went forward to congratulate her
12:41on this brilliant piece of flying.
12:43And she didn't speak any English at all.
12:46And I only have a smattering of Hebrew.
12:49It wasn't until the next day that I realised
12:51that I'd actually mistakenly asked her to marry me.
12:55She died at the ceremony.
12:57Which was very sad, because I really did love her.
13:00She was in her 80s or early 90s, if I remember.
13:03So it was a good event.
13:06Er...
13:08And then after Lola, there was, er...
13:12Felicity.
13:14Who was, I suppose...
13:16I suppose you'd call her a piss artist.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:20I mean, she really was a piss artist.
13:22She used to daub these enormous canvases with urine.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:27Not hers, I don't think. I could be wrong.
13:29Dora, who...
13:32I don't remember much about Dora,
13:34she was immensely tall.
13:36She was well over seven feet tall.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:40You know, really tall.
13:43Oh, yes, she used to have these sneezing fits
13:46whenever she went to the theatre.
13:48It was only the theatre that did it, funnily enough.
13:50Because I remember we had tickets
13:52to see the second night of Look Back In Anger in Lisbon.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:57And, you know, almost before it had started,
13:59there she was, just sneezing away.
14:01We left, didn't see any of it.
14:03Still haven't seen any of it.
14:05And then after Dora,
14:07why don't we see who came after that?
14:09It's weird, isn't it?
14:11I mean, where do they find these people?
14:13I know.
14:15I mean, nobody has actually come out of a barber's shop
14:18looking like that.
14:20Oh, well. Anyway.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:24Now, ladies and gentlemen,
14:26mystery objects.
14:28I wonder how many of you can guess what this is.
14:32Any ideas, Stephen?
14:34No, not really.
14:36Oh, unless...
14:38Ah. Are we going back to 1974?
14:401974, that's absolutely right, yes.
14:42Ladies and gentlemen,
14:44this was one of the stars of an episode of Doctor Who
14:47way back in 1974.
14:49This was one of the Wondarks from the Watay Galaxy.
14:52Well, it was the Wondark spaceship, wasn't it?
14:55Yes, that's right, it was the spaceship, I'm sorry, yes.
14:58The Wondarks were played by packets of silk cut.
15:01That's right, yes, yes.
15:03Anyway, I don't know if we can get a camera in really close here.
15:06Can we have a look at this?
15:08I don't know if you can see that,
15:10but this is actually made out of an old squeezy bottle.
15:13I know it sort of gives away the illusion of it,
15:16but it's amazing to see what they can do, isn't it, really?
15:19They can create an alien world.
15:21Yeah. All for the price of a crap haircut.
15:24Hello. Morning.
15:26We're from the Westminster Society.
15:28The Society, yes.
15:30We wondered if we could come in and talk to you about our aims
15:33and the possibility of you joining us.
15:35Possibly you may want to join us.
15:37Well... Thanks ever so much.
15:39Thank you. I say, what a lovely front room.
15:42It's a handsomely proportioned room.
15:44It's a lovely front room. Very nice front room.
15:47My name's Mr Willis, by the way, and this is Mr Barrick.
15:50Barrick.
15:53No relation, in case you were wondering.
15:55Sorry? We're not related, in case you thought we were.
15:58You may have thought perhaps that we were, but we're not.
16:01Why should you be? We shouldn't be, that's what I'm saying.
16:04I'm saying we shouldn't be related, and we're not,
16:07hence the totally different names.
16:11So, what can I do for you?
16:13Well, as I say, we're thinking of founding a society.
16:19And perhaps you'd like to join us?
16:21And perhaps you'd like to join us?
16:23And you may be interested in joining us, who knows?
16:26What is the society for?
16:28It's... Well...
16:30Well, that's obviously one of the things we've got to look at.
16:36Well, all right, then, what is the point of the society?
16:39I mean, you've got to have a point, otherwise there's no point.
16:43That's a good point.
16:45Yes, that's a good point, well made.
16:47I mean, are you going to collect postage stamps?
16:50Yes. Yes, we are.
16:52Postage stamps, definitely, yes.
16:54Or are you going to practise Highland dancing?
16:57Yes. Yes, we do.
16:59Postage stamps and Highland dancing
17:01are very high on the society's agenda.
17:03Hardly anything higher on the agenda than those two.
17:05But you don't know. Know what? Know what, precisely?
17:08You don't know for certain what the society's going to be for.
17:11Well, we've made one or two notes.
17:13We have made one or two notes, yes.
17:15But, unfortunately, nothing to do with the society.
17:17No, on a completely different matter.
17:20So, to answer your question in the spirit in which it was asked,
17:24we believe that the society should be run
17:27in the interests of its members.
17:30But as we don't have any members, we don't really have any interests.
17:34So, our hands are tied.
17:38Can I make a suggestion?
17:40Oh, that's a good idea. Suggestions.
17:42Suggestions, yes.
17:44Tuesdays and Thursdays could be suggestion evenings.
17:46Suggestions would be Tuesdays and Thursdays, yes.
17:48I'll make a suggestion now,
17:50and that is that you come back when you've decided
17:52what the society is going to be for.
17:54I can't stand here talking all day.
17:56Now, that is a good idea.
17:58A society for people who can't stand here talking all day.
18:01They can't stand here talking all day and all night.
18:03I mean, when you think of the people who ring on your bell.
18:05Who knock on your bell, yes.
18:07That's right, Jehovah's Witnesses.
18:09Well, there are witnesses to the Jehovah's incident.
18:11Charity collectors, estate agents,
18:13small boys wanting their ball back.
18:15Small boys whose ball's accidentally gone over your fence back.
18:17I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
18:20Excellent and wonderful.
18:22Asking us to leave shows a definite
18:24and absolute commitment
18:26to the aims of a society
18:28for people who just can't stand here talking all day.
18:30I'm going to open the door and I want you to go.
18:32Oh, this is wonderful.
18:34Wonderful commitment.
18:36I think I may have to ask you
18:38if you wouldn't mind being elected our treasurer.
18:40I'm going to shut the door now.
18:42Right.
18:44Well, that's one member of our society.
18:47That's a definite member for definite, yes.
18:49Shall we try next door?
18:51Why don't we try next door?
18:53I must have left the iron on.
18:57Damn it, Petey.
18:59Thanks, John.
19:01This is, what can I say, this is good work.
19:03Well, I kind of hoped we might be along the right lines there.
19:05Yeah, right lines.
19:07Damn it backwards into a narrow space, Petey.
19:11This is set to change the face of
19:13eutoxiders' service in leisure industry forever.
19:15Jill reckons that from that
19:17are full plans ten days at the most.
19:19Which means we could have the whole thing
19:21up and running by the 29th.
19:23You mean?
19:25Exactly, John.
19:27The Dew and Enterprises board meeting.
19:29And with something like that nestling in your hip pocket
19:31you could really kick some arse.
19:41What's up, John?
19:43I was just thinking, Peter.
19:45Can you imagine
19:47how Marjorie is going to react to this?
19:49Well, I guess I'd say
19:51she's going to be wilder
19:53than a hungry hellcat in a tornado.
19:55That's putting it mildly, Peter.
19:59Is it?
20:01Yes, Sarah, what is it?
20:05Hold on.
20:07John, it's Marjorie.
20:09Marjorie?
20:12Talk of the she-devil.
20:14What the hell?
20:16I'll take the call.
20:18It's not a call, John. She's outside.
20:20Marjorie here.
20:22Check.
20:26Show her in, Sarah.
20:28John, are you out of your
20:30goddamn mind?
20:32You don't know what it's about, Peter.
20:34What the hell with what it's about, John?
20:36Peter, we need to talk.
20:38Where and when?
20:40John, listen, you and I,
20:42we bust our hump
20:44building up this health club with Marjorie
20:46gunning for us every inch of the way.
20:48Now you're just going to let her swat in here?
20:50Now listen to me, Peter.
20:52Listen me damn, John.
20:54Do I have to remind you that that
20:56hell-bitched fiend's trying to break us in two?
20:58Peter.
21:00I'm not going to let you do it, John.
21:02Hello, John.
21:04Hello, Marjorie.
21:06Peter.
21:08Marjorie.
21:10I hope I'm not interrupting
21:12anything.
21:14No, that is, there was no...
21:16All right, Peter.
21:18You look a little uncomfortable.
21:20Yeah, maybe I'll...
21:22Maybe I'll go outside and get myself
21:24a bite of air.
21:26The atmosphere in here seems to have got to my
21:28stomach.
21:34You look well, Marjorie.
21:37You look damn well.
21:39New breasts?
21:43Switched.
21:45They suit you.
21:47I like what you've done to your hair. It looks much better there.
21:51Thanks, John.
21:53You look pretty fit yourself.
21:55Fit? Yeah.
21:57That's one of the perks
21:59of running a health and leisure business,
22:01I guess, that is.
22:03If I do still run it.
22:05The meeting will decide, John.
22:07You know that.
22:09Yeah, but who will decide how the meeting goes, Marjorie?
22:11Dammit, old man, Ashby is in your pocket,
22:13Dexter and O'Neill will do what you tell them
22:15and Tim will...
22:17Well, I guess Tim will jump with the tie.
22:19Do you still like it straight up?
22:21Ice.
22:23Two lumps.
22:25I do what I do
22:27for the boy, John.
22:29You know that.
22:31Yeah, the boy.
22:33I don't want him to hate me, Marjorie.
22:35Hate you.
22:37Hate you.
22:39You'll never really know me, will you?
22:41Not if I live to be 300.
22:45Peter resents me.
22:49Seven dams and a fat blast, Marjorie.
22:51Haven't you given him cause enough?
22:53Haven't you kept shutting him out,
22:55making him feel an outsider?
22:57Do we need Peter?
22:59Do we need Peter?
23:02Dammit, Marjorie,
23:04what are you after?
23:06Yeah, what are you after?
23:08I just want you to know
23:10that whatever happens at that meeting this afternoon,
23:12it wasn't personal.
23:14Strictly business.
23:16I still like you, John.
23:18A lot.
23:20Come here, you...
23:22you... you Marjorie.
23:24I'll see you
23:26round the boardroom table.
23:32Yeah, round the boardroom table.
23:34Oh, and Marjorie.
23:36Yes?
23:38Damn you to hell,
23:40you're one hell of a woman.
23:42I know.
23:44Well, you know where to find me.
23:46Marjorie, I...
23:48Marjorie, I...
23:50Marjorie, I...
23:52Marjorie, I...
23:54Hold on, don't do it!
23:56Don't do it!
23:58Can't you see what she's trying to...
24:08I suppose they'll be saying Hitler was a racist next.
24:12Uh,
24:14Morris Stewart,
24:16and Jill Gascoyne,
24:18neither of them wrote back.
24:20How much trouble can it be,
24:22just buying a pair of stockings in the post?
24:26Uh, letters.
24:28Letters.
24:30More letters.
24:32More letters.
24:34Still more letters.
24:36Still more letters.
24:38Sorry, we'll be with you in a moment.
24:40We've just got some filing to do.
24:42Yes, but while you're waiting,
24:44why not sit back and relax
24:46to the sociable sound
24:49Still more letters again.
24:51More letters again.
24:55Uh, yet further letters.
24:57Further letters.
24:59Uh,
25:01genital fungus.
25:05Oh.
25:07Oh, dear.
25:09Now, that's a pity, isn't it? Yes.
25:11That's a great disappointment.
25:13So, you know what this means, don't you?
25:15You know, this is going to mean letters.
25:17You mentioned genital fungus,
25:19and some of you laughed.
25:21We're now going to get hundreds of thousands
25:23of letters accusing us of making fun
25:25of genital fungus. Which is something we never have
25:27and never would. Never.
25:29Obviously, some of you, quite a lot in fact,
25:31seem to find genital fungus,
25:33well, amusing in some way.
25:35You know,
25:37attempting to laugh at other people's misfortunes.
25:39My name is Stephen Fry,
25:41and I'm an alcoholic.
25:43Here's one. There's one here.
25:45Here's one.
25:47I told him I was an alcoholic, and he laughed.
25:49Alcoholism is one of the most serious
25:51and destructive conditions prevalent in this country,
25:53and you find it funny.
25:55Sicko.
25:57Creep.
25:59My great-aunt
26:01Mutie died in 1944.
26:07She was a good and decent woman,
26:09but her death to you is just
26:11a source of entertainment, isn't it?
26:14Oh!
26:16Please fondle my body, please.
26:18Thousands of people are dying
26:20every year because no one will fondle
26:22their bottoms, and you find that funny.
26:26No, Stephen, they're not.
26:28No, they're not.
26:30No, well, never mind what you thought.
26:32But no one has ever
26:34actually died from not having their bottom
26:36fondled.
26:38I sometimes feel quite unwell.
26:40Well, yes, that's a thing.
26:42I can't blame this woman for laughing at bottom fondling
26:44because no one genuinely suffers from it.
26:46Oh, highly amusing. That is not even
26:48remotely funny.
26:50I'm sorry?
26:52I'm suffering very badly as it goes.
26:58I... I've been told
27:00that I'm going to die within six months
27:02unless my bottom
27:04is fondled.
27:06Satisfied here?
27:08Oh, bollocks.
27:10Look, I'm sorry to hear about this desperate condition.
27:12Do you need help?
27:14Well, yeah, I'm at the end of my tether, mate.
27:16Yeah, of course. Well, what sort of help do you need?
27:18Well, I need money.
27:20What for?
27:22To buy vital equipment.
27:24Vital equipment, yeah.
27:26Yeah, a CD player, in fact.
27:30I know how expensive they are.
27:32Well, if we all put our hands in our pockets
27:34around here tonight, a few pounds, three pounds each,
27:36something like that, I'm sure we could raise enough money.
27:39Wait a minute. What is going on here?
27:41We're having a whip round to get this man a CD player.
27:43No, no, no, I'm sorry.
27:45You, sir, are exploiting
27:47the compassion and generosity of this audience.
27:49Hugh?
27:51No, no, we're all sorry.
27:53Nobody fondles your bottom.
27:55You know, that's a damn shame.
27:57But you can't go using that just to get free hi-fi.
27:59Hugh, you may not be aware of this,
28:01but the new Yamaha 600RS CD player
28:03has an electronic arm that comes out
28:05and fondles your bottom.
28:09Oh, God.
28:11Without it, this man will die.
28:13God, I'm... I'm so sorry.
28:15I... Well, I mean, I...
28:17Well, what can I do?
28:19Well, you could fondle his bottom, for starters.
28:21Well, it's only fair.
29:08© BF-WATCH TV 2021