Meet the Richardsons. S03 E02.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 10th March 2022.

Jon and Lucy get to know their new neighbours, Lucy sees a PTA raffle as her chance to make a good impression, and old neighbours Emma and Damion pay a visit.

Jon Richardson Jon
Lucy Beaumont Lucy
Michele Austin Dani Julian
Damion Priestley Self
Emma Priestley Self
Elsie Richardson Self
Elizabeth Bower Lizzie
Lauren Frain Lauren
Hywel Morgan Phil
Charlotte Pyke Susanne Bennett-Jones
Eve Burley Sandra
Zoe Telford Dr. Maxwell
Iain Coyle Self

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00What? What? There's a bad atmosphere in here. Because I'm tired. I had a bad night's sleep
00:11because somebody woke me up. I had an incident yesterday. I was putting a children's slide
00:17and swing set together. The screw wasn't long enough, so I took a swipe at a teddy bear
00:22and it made so hard on the floor that my hat came off. Anyway, in the middle of the night,
00:28I remembered that we have installed security cameras in our house. So then I was laughing
00:33because I was watching it. And I woke her up and she was not happy.
00:36Have you ever heard anyone take this long to tell you that they tripped over?
00:40In tonight's episode...
00:42John is forced to go to a neighbour's kids party. Can you at least look like you're enjoying
00:47yourself?
00:48Lucy invites a comedy legend over for dinner.
00:50You can't do ready meals for the Bedeels. You could do a quick dinner if we'd invited
00:53Frank Skinner.
00:54And Dave asked John to mind his language a bit.
00:57You'd have to cut down on the swearing.
00:58I can see the f***ing car.
01:00F***ing Nora.
01:01Morning f***er. Strapping again.
01:03Thank you, Richardson.
01:05Wow.
01:06Where are we looking? Which one?
01:08Cheese.
01:10Cheese.
01:12Last summer, England got to the Euros final. There were lots of comedians in the ground
01:16and even I was there. But thanks to Lucy, you wouldn't have seen me.
01:20At kick-off, my phone starts going mental. It's Lucy. I need your bank details because
01:27I'm ordering some garden furniture and my card's not working. I said, I'm at the f***ing
01:32game. Not like an hour before kick. I would have taken it in the tunnel. If I was having
01:36a wee, I would have taken it.
01:40Well done.
01:41At kick-off, the game is happening and I'm having to get my debit card out to read out
01:46the card details loud at Wembley. The security number is 423. 423. This is during the game.
01:55Have you got the Barclays app? 1407. Have you got the Barclays app? 1410. Yes, I've
02:00logged in. There's no message. 1417. Relentless. Message. Message. John. Now. Now. Sorry. Try
02:07now. 1423. Try now. 1424. Do it now. 1425. Mate, I'm at f***ing Wembley. 1426. The first
02:18half is nearly gone. Right there. Now. This minute. 1437. Please. 1642. Got Elsie a teddy.
02:27And then it arrived and it was the wrong colour.
02:29She sent it back. She sent it back.
02:33Our programme goes out on Dave at 10pm and today we've been asked to London by the Dave
02:37Commissioner, Ian Coyle.
02:39This is exciting, isn't it? I've never had this thing where you get called in before
02:42to be thanked. Because we are, it's one of the biggest shows on the channel, isn't it?
02:46Oh, I've seen that.
02:49Do you know what the last scene of me at the Richardsons is going to be?
02:52What?
02:53It's going to be me saying, I want a divorce. And you look out the window and say, oh, that's
02:58a big dog, wasn't it? And then it's going to go out the Sopranos. It's just going to
03:02cut to black.
03:03Dave told us our show is their biggest. So I was looking forward to being made a bit
03:07of a fuss off.
03:08Oh, look. Maycaster.
03:09Maycaster. Josh Whiddicombe. Presumably we're on these two.
03:14Oh, it's them again. Hello.
03:19Bloody Marie Celeste.
03:21Who's that?
03:22Hiya.
03:23Hello, Ian.
03:24Hey, come in.
03:25It's really lovely to see you. I love the show. I think it's great. How about we move
03:30it to nine o'clock?
03:33Seems like a vote of confidence.
03:34You'd have to cut down on the swearing.
03:36John swears too much.
03:37Move on, willy bollocks.
03:38If I hurt myself, he goes, oh, you silly cunt.
03:42Is that true?
03:43That's funny.
03:44Cunt face, he calls me.
03:45Don't call you that.
03:46Yes, you do. You're lying. Tell him the truth.
03:47It's funny. That's funny, isn't it?
03:48Night, you little fucker.
03:49It's funny.
03:51In my past relationships, I used to be called sweetheart.
03:54And those relationships ended because you didn't respect those men.
03:57Morning, boo-boo. Did you sleep well? Would you like a cup of herbal tea?
04:00Morning, fucker. Strapping again. It's the morning and daddy's still alive.
04:03Lucy has been having trouble with the local PTA.
04:06Oh, wow.
04:07Yeah, I just did it this morning.
04:08Let's have a look at yours.
04:09Are they just cooling down?
04:10Yeah, they're just cooling down.
04:11I'm not going to lie.
04:12I'm not going to lie.
04:13I'm not going to lie.
04:14I'm not going to lie.
04:15I'm not going to lie.
04:16I'm not going to lie.
04:17I'm not going to lie.
04:18I'm not going to lie.
04:19I'm not going to lie.
04:20They're just cooling down at the moment.
04:22She's desperate to fit in and impress the local posh mums.
04:26So, as you all know, our school is in desperate need of a new multimedia suite.
04:32So, what better way to raise funds than a raffle?
04:36So, if anyone's got something that they can donate that we can put on the prize table,
04:40please let me know and I will add you to the list.
04:43I need to impress the PTA with a really good raffle prize.
04:46I'm looking for something that John's to put in the raffle for the PTA.
04:50I have sold my cardigans in the past.
04:52I deliver them by hand as well.
04:53I think it freaks people out.
04:54I'm too tight to pay a courier, so I turn up at their house.
04:57Here you go.
04:58OK, well, see you later.
05:03Hello.
05:04John, you know how you're known for letters and numbers?
05:06The Countdown Kid?
05:07I'm the Countdown Kid.
05:11You're the what now?
05:14How about these bad boys?
05:15AC-12.
05:17Not Line of Duty.
05:18They're casting for a new detective character.
05:20Jed Mercurio's asked for you.
05:22Says he's a big fan of the Countdown Kid.
05:24Countdown Kid didn't know studio was going to be so hot.
05:29Are you getting a sweaty head?
05:30Countdown Kid might have a bit of a sweat problem.
05:33Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph and a little bag for life.
05:38Please tell Jed Mercurio that John Richardson is interested in being in Britain's biggest drama
05:44and while you're at it, cancel my appearance on Channel 5's Celebrities Go Indoor Bowling.
05:51OK, speak to you later.
05:52This is Senior Investigating Officer John Richardson.
05:55Hello.
05:56Somebody been very naughty?
05:57What's he done?
05:58Ooh, what a naughty bugger.
06:00Mother of God.
06:03Jed Mercurio really likes the show.
06:06He said it was one of the funniest things he's ever seen.
06:08Is that what he said?
06:09Something like that.
06:10You know when chefs spend all day cooking Michelin-starred food
06:13and then they go home and have a pot noodle?
06:15That's what it's like, innit?
06:16Oh, no, that might be true.
06:18He's finally scripted one of the greatest dramas of all time
06:21and then when he gets home he just wants to sit in his underpants and watch some unscripted drivel.
06:25Oh, I never thought of it like that.
06:27Yeah, just absolute meaningless cack.
06:30I hope we don't influence him.
06:32Don't want to switch on the next series of Line of Duty
06:34and just see Vicky McClure sat on a couch getting knocked out by that little Scottish fella.
06:39Sanjeev Bhaskar in Unforgotten,
06:41David Jason in Frost,
06:43Ben Miller in Death in Paradise.
06:48Comedians turn into TV detectives just as they stop being able to make people laugh.
06:52You were asked to do Death in Paradise?
06:54I was, yes, after Ben Miller.
06:58You've got to be on set for like five months and it just...
07:01I'm not even allowed to go and watch the football.
07:03God knows how I'm going to be allowed to go to Trinidad and solve murders.
07:06Are you having that?
07:07Are you having that?
07:08I'm not allowed to watch football.
07:09He's watching football, it could be two, three times a week.
07:12He has two Zooms with his friends.
07:14One Zoom a week and it's been happening for two fucking years
07:17and you still can't remember it?
07:19Every Wednesday, are we watching telly tonight?
07:21No, I've got my Zoom.
07:22What Zoom?
07:23The one I've had every Wednesday for the last two years with the same people.
07:26Senior investigating officer John Richardson, he usually does traffic.
07:30Do you like a gritty kind of crime drama?
07:32I do, yeah.
07:33I like something where there's a snitch, depressed alcoholic, washed up cops.
07:37I sometimes pretend when I'm driving around that I'm like a sort of washed up cop.
07:41Catching a different class of criminal but still, 35 in a 30 is a crime. Chalk it up.
07:47I love Line of Duty.
07:48You've never seen it.
07:49I have.
07:50No, you haven't.
07:51I have.
07:52No, you haven't, you're lying.
07:53It's on Gogglebox every week, I don't need to watch the full thing.
07:55Ah.
07:56I know, they all say H and then there's a bomb goes off.
07:58Really...
07:59And a snitch gets blown up.
08:01I'm really struggling to be in his company today.
08:04We've all had this though, you know, they rowd all the time.
08:08They never get proper interviewers to do the interviews today.
08:11It's always some copper who can't really talk.
08:13Interview conducted at 12.23.
08:15Conducting the interview will be Michael Parkinson.
08:19Joining me tonight, one of Britain's most notorious bent coppers.
08:23Now, you've already recently blown up a warehouse in Salford.
08:27When did you first decide to go bent?
08:29I'd be good at it, I'd be kick-ass.
08:31Has anyone got the murder weapon?
08:33I had it.
08:36Oh, what coat was I wearing?
08:38That's what you'd be like.
08:39What people don't realise is how many crimes are solved by psychics.
08:44And good detectives always have a good psychic that they work with.
08:48What are you laughing at?
08:50What do you think he's laughing at?
08:51Google it, Google it.
08:53Why does nobody believe me?
08:54I will, I will.
08:55Yes.
08:56I fucking will.
08:57You wait, you wait.
08:58Gypsy Rose Lee is currently in talks with the Cumbria Constabulary.
09:03What I want to do, Eddie,
09:04because I really like the bridge and the killing,
09:06you know, that saga gnawing.
09:08I want to wear leather trousers and get out of a car
09:11and just walk through an industrial state.
09:13Why don't you do it in this?
09:18And do you think you should be in Line of Duty?
09:20You're the actress in the family.
09:21Yeah, I should be in Line of Duty.
09:22I've done the miles, I've tread the boards.
09:25I've been in one of the biggest-selling shows ever to be at Hull Truck,
09:28about a group of fishwives that go to the races.
09:30You're not going to get to be in Line of Duty because you were a fishwife?
09:33No, I've done all sorts.
09:34You haven't done all sorts?
09:35I've been there.
09:36You've been in plays set in Hull about fishwives?
09:38No, I haven't. I've performed in London.
09:40What were you?
09:41I was a post-war prostitute.
09:43Do you remember any of the lines from now?
09:44Not my face, not my face.
09:48That's what I said.
09:49What was that referring to?
09:50When he was going to hit me.
09:51Yeah, not what you think, smutty little rat.
09:55Whereabouts are we, Jim?
09:56We're at what is going to potentially be my new doctor.
10:00And the first time is always the worst time,
10:02because you've got to lie to them about how much alcohol you drink.
10:05You've got to lie to them about how much exercise.
10:07I haven't lied this much since I first took Lucy out.
10:09John Richardson?
10:10Oh, it is you.
10:11Oh, and you brought your career as well.
10:12Right, let's get you straight in.
10:13Yes, thank you.
10:14Come on, come on in, come on in.
10:15Not these, no, not these.
10:17Oh, no, no, no, no, absolutely, no.
10:18You should absolutely bring them in.
10:20It will be a really good thing.
10:21We can raise awareness for men's health.
10:23I don't know.
10:25It says here you have a topical hydrocortisone and promoxide cream
10:28for haemorrhoids on repeat prescription.
10:30How's that going?
10:33Still there.
10:35Very itchy.
10:36So there are certain things that you can do to help, you know, yourself.
10:42I think it's really important that men, you know, they get on board.
10:47I should do my own examination.
10:50Of my...?
10:51Of your anus.
10:53Do you have any other celebrities that are coming in?
10:55Oh, well, we do, but, you know, I couldn't possibly say.
10:58Michael Paul.
10:59Fucking Nora, sorry.
11:01You're so brave, you're so brave.
11:04As you are, you're a brave boy.
11:06You're a brave boy, aren't you?
11:09He's filmed me having a doctor,
11:12clearly auditioning for Embarrassing A&I
11:15or whatever Channel 4 are putting on next.
11:18I promise you this, Eddie,
11:19one day I'm going to watch you have someone put their finger up your arse.
11:24Be when you least expect it.
11:26When you're renewing your wedding vows,
11:28I'm going to get someone to run in and finger you
11:30and I'm going to film it and see how you like it.
11:32And that goes for all of you. I shall see all of you fingered.
11:35I met Dr Maxwell the next day at the PTA meeting,
11:38where I was going to impress them all by donating one of John's TV cardigans.
11:43Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the prize table.
11:48I'm absolutely blown away.
11:49Look, we've even got a little basket of preserves and a big basket of preserves.
11:53Give yourselves a pat on the back.
11:55Well done, all of you, because this is absolutely fantastic
11:58and I think that the raffle is going to go down a storm.
12:01You know, they've never had chunky chicken out of a tin.
12:04They've never gone to Wivensea and played bingo with a nana.
12:07We've become Emma and Damien here
12:09and they get together and talk about us and the things we've never had.
12:12Thank you so much, you've been so generous.
12:15We must ask if anyone else has something they can bring.
12:17Yes, yes.
12:18This is a pair of Lewis Hamilton sunglasses that I won at an auction,
12:23which I'm very generously giving up.
12:25Anybody else?
12:26You know me, darling.
12:27I couldn't go past Melbury without getting something from there.
12:30Oh, my goodness, this is surprisingly heavy.
12:32Thank you so much. Right, who's next?
12:34Anybody else?
12:36I'm a bit embarrassed because I brought one of John's old cardigans.
12:39I thought they'd be like, ooh, you know.
12:41No, there was all sorts of prizes in there.
12:44Champagne, spa dates, theatre tickets.
12:48They're not going to want this, I'm going to take it home.
12:51And wash it, it smells as well, to be honest.
13:00In part one, John got himself a new doctor.
13:03Fucking Nora!
13:04Lucy was struggling to impress the PTA mums.
13:07This is a pair of Lewis Hamilton sunglasses.
13:10No.
13:11And John can't control his potty mouth.
13:13You'd have to cut down on the swearing.
13:15Morning, fucker, strapping again.
13:17I'll give you a biscuit if you don't swear.
13:19I don't like biscuits, I haven't got a sweet tooth.
13:21This is another thing that really annoys me.
13:23In a relationship, you have rational things that annoy you,
13:25like being disturbed during an iconic football game to buy garden furniture.
13:29The irrational thing that you do, every time I get offered a pudding
13:32and I say I haven't really got a sweet tooth, you go, yes.
13:35You lie about me liking puddings and it drives me insane.
13:39You do, you always eat my puddings.
13:41I sure don't eat them, I don't like waste.
13:43It doesn't mean I'm happy, I'm crying eating that sticky toffee pudding,
13:46wishing it was crisps.
13:47I'd rather have a bag of chips than a trifle.
13:49Oh, he wouldn't. He loves puddings.
13:51You do!
13:53We've invited our old neighbours, Emma and Damien, over to see the house.
13:57It's the new park.
13:58Oh, wow!
13:59It's absolutely amazing.
14:01How have they been since the move?
14:02They've not taken it very well.
14:04They keep thinking we're going to move back.
14:05Everyone does, all the people from our old area think we're going to move back.
14:08And I tell you what, I wouldn't bet against it.
14:11We've got previous, haven't we, for moving house?
14:13Yeah.
14:14Elsie will say, oh, can I go back to the park I used to play in?
14:17And we'll just move near it before we realise that, actually,
14:20it was better where we were.
14:22And then we'll move again.
14:23I've got a proposal for you.
14:24I need someone to be my right-hand man on the road.
14:28For tax purposes, I'd probably put you down as a driver,
14:31but it's actually a more all-encompassing role than that.
14:33So you're going to pay me?
14:35I'll pay you some money, yeah. I'll pay you cash money.
14:37You're basically paying me to be your mate.
14:38Has it got to this?
14:39I think it's lovely.
14:40I think it's nice.
14:41It's like Brokeback Mountain, isn't it?
14:43We'll just go off in the wilderness together.
14:45Lovely.
14:46Oh, God, why does he say that?
14:48You'd think, well, we're on the A1 and it's late at night.
14:52This is why we are where we are.
14:54Let's just have a little kiss.
14:56This is where we are as a society.
14:57Two men cannot work together in the 21st century without their wives going,
15:01what, are you shagging her, are you bumming each other in the car?
15:03No, that's not true.
15:04I wish I knew how to quit you.
15:06Awesome.
15:07He can quit me.
15:08My God, he can ride.
15:11Brokeback Mountain, yeah.
15:12Bit different to Hebden Bridge, isn't it?
15:14There's not as many lesbians.
15:15I haven't finished my survey yet, so it's hard to tell.
15:18Oh, hello.
15:19I feel like we're coming to the ball.
15:21This is our neighbours, our new neighbours, Lizzie and Phil.
15:25Hello, Phil.
15:26We used to live next door to Emma and Damien in our old house,
15:29so they're just down Hebden Bridge.
15:31It was a bit of a shock for us all when John and Lucy decided to move on.
15:35Moving on, moving up.
15:37Pardon?
15:38Have you been on holiday? You both look really tan.
15:40We had a couple of weeks in Biritz.
15:42You go to Cleethorpes, don't you?
15:44Oh, we do, we love it there.
15:46Well, it's a bloody good do.
15:479.50 a night.
15:489.50 a night?
15:49No, £9.50 a night.
15:51We go in a caravan.
15:52Costa del Cleethorpes.
15:54Where have you just come back from? Biritz?
15:56Biritz.
15:57Where's that?
15:58France.
15:59Oh, right, right.
16:00Sounds like France.
16:01Very nice.
16:02It's a bit tetchy, but they are bloody stuck up.
16:06Tristan is having his birthday party tomorrow,
16:08and I know that he'd just love it if little Elsie would come along.
16:11Oh, that would be lovely.
16:13Yeah, there's going to be loads of lovely food.
16:15Chocolate fingers.
16:16She doesn't eat chocolate.
16:18Who doesn't eat chocolate?
16:19Elsie.
16:20Elsie doesn't eat chocolate?
16:21No, no, no, no, no.
16:22Sends her absolutely bloody hyper.
16:23Oh, so she does eat chocolate.
16:24That's us kids, isn't it?
16:25Best to keep her off the sugar.
16:27No, you just wind them up and let them go,
16:29and then they look after themselves.
16:31No, no, no, no, no.
16:32It was just dreadful, absolutely dreadful.
16:34They're different.
16:35Bloody Biritz.
16:36What's that?
16:37France.
16:38Now he's working for him,
16:39Damien's first job is to help John practice for his line of duty audition.
16:43How are you doing?
16:44You all right, pal?
16:45A bit fresh intel?
16:46No info at all.
16:47Keep your eyes peeled, yeah?
16:48Will do, will do, pal, yeah.
16:51Brilliant that, John.
16:52It's been brilliant.
16:53Well done.
16:54I'll be honest with you, I've never watched it.
16:56I know there's a woman in it, and I know there's a chap in it,
16:59and I know there's something to do with age.
17:06Interview with Damien Priestley on the subject of harmful activities.
17:11Do you remember where you were on the 24th of February?
17:13No comment.
17:14Do you recognise that child?
17:15No comment.
17:17I mean, I do, but...
17:18It's taught me that actors really are just quite simple people.
17:22The trick to being a good actor is to just be so simple
17:26that you think the thing is happening.
17:28You know, it's a lot like being a four-year-old.
17:31Really.
17:32Our agents have told us that a celebrity couple are ripping off our show.
17:36There is another celebrity couple filming a Meet the Richardsons.
17:39You're jerking.
17:40We wrongly accuse the tenants.
17:42Do you think that we're trying to steal this idea?
17:46What a cock!
17:47So the search continues.
17:49It's bonded us together to fight evil.
17:51Slash Marcus Brickstock and Rachel Parris.
17:54I got a text message off somebody famous.
17:56Look at that little face. You love it, don't you?
17:58If I said,
17:59three lines on a shirt, jewels remain still gleaming.
18:0230 years of hair.
18:03Yes.
18:04Never stop believing.
18:06No.
18:07Don't stop believing.
18:08It's Baddiel or Skinner, which one?
18:10Baddiel.
18:11Is it?
18:12Yeah. He said,
18:13we would love to meet the Richardsons and hear more about your Dave show.
18:17Oh!
18:19Cheeky little sausage.
18:21I have got this sneaky suspicion
18:23that David Baddiel and his wife Moena Banks
18:26might be our copycat couple.
18:28So what I thought I could do is invite them round for dinner
18:31with me and John and see as well
18:33if he could give me a free signed copy of Another Three Lions
18:37because I think that will actually fetch more money at the PTA raffle
18:41than one of John's, like, weird, dodgy cardigans.
18:44Would you just be as blatant as,
18:46can I come round and rip your show off you?
18:48Yeah.
18:49You don't like people coming round?
18:50Yeah, I'm glad when people don't come.
18:52Yeah, the thing is, John...
18:53Cos you've usually arranged it.
18:54..when people do come round, they can tell you wish they weren't there.
18:57My friend came round at the weekend and he was talking to him.
19:00I went to tell you that. I came back down
19:02and they were just at the table on their phones texting
19:05and John has moved to in front of the TV
19:07and he's just watching the TV on his own.
19:09Reel it in. Here's what happened.
19:12The only reason they stayed late, Eddie,
19:14is cos they were going to the big party in the park
19:16around the corner from our house.
19:18You guys go to the party, I'll tidy up our mess
19:21and your friend's mess and their kids
19:23and all the food and the chaos that ensued.
19:25I'll do all that.
19:26They get back ten minutes later, the party's next weekend.
19:28I got the date wrong.
19:30So now we're all, kids crying.
19:32I thought we were going to a party!
19:35And what does he do? Puts Leeds United on.
19:38Leeds!
19:39Yeah, you could have recorded it.
19:41Record football.
19:42Before the bidealers come over,
19:44it's time for Tristan's fifth birthday party.
19:46John was really happy about it.
19:48Can you at least look like you're enjoying yourself?
19:51There you are. Hello.
19:53Hello.
19:54Phil, you didn't really get to meet him yesterday, did you?
19:57No, no, we didn't.
19:58What's Jimmy Carr like?
20:00Um, rich.
20:01You can't take it with you, though, can you?
20:03No, that's true.
20:04I mean, this lot, you know, four grand and a kids party.
20:07Four grand.
20:08If you've had four grand spent on your fifth birthday party,
20:11what's it going to be when he's, like, 18?
20:13You'll have to buy him an island.
20:15I'm going to buy him a car.
20:16He'll have a car when he's seven.
20:18You could get a car for four grand.
20:20You could get a very good second hand.
20:22Could have had a little day in my tiz for the sake of that party yesterday.
20:25Take the wrapper off.
20:27Oh, well done, India.
20:29You've won a weekend to spa.
20:31Fabulous.
20:32Fucking spa weekend. What's she going to have, a fizzy...?
20:35You all right, John? Yeah, you?
20:36Do you want a top-up?
20:37Yes, I would love one. Thank you very much.
20:39Oh, thanks.
20:40Thank you very much. Cheers.
20:42Thank you.
20:43Ouch.
20:47Oh, nice-looking girl, though.
20:49Yes.
20:50It's my type. And Liz's.
20:53Um, have you seen Lucy, who's in here?
20:56Yeah, I think she's, yeah.
20:57Yeah. Lucy?
20:58That was very awkward.
21:00And it wasn't even the worst bit.
21:04You know he's a patient?
21:05Is he? Uh-huh.
21:06Did you know that he has absolutely terrible piles?
21:12Does he?
21:13He's stuck up there to get that problem.
21:16The worst.
21:17Piles.
21:19Piles.
21:20It's one of the worst cases I've ever seen.
21:22It's horrible.
21:23Piles.
21:24I'm going to get her struck off.
21:26Ludicrous.
21:27Just cos you're in a posh area, you think you can...
21:29I think they think the rules don't apply to them.
21:31So I don't know who I write to.
21:33Dr Hillary, I guess, off telly, is it?
21:35Someone like that.
21:36There must be a famous doctor who's like the king of the doctors.
21:39Like a Dumbledore, who I write to.
21:41So she's telling everyone I've got piles.
21:43I haven't got big piles.
21:44It's not a problem anymore. I sleep well now, don't I?
21:46They make him itch. He's itching.
21:48They're very itchy.
21:49It's horrible. It's a real turn-off.
21:51He's just scratching his bum all the time.
21:53The sound of it.
21:54In the middle of the night.
21:56Oh, fucking hell.
21:58It was a good party, though.
21:59And now we're going to have to throw our own
22:01because the Baddeels are coming round for dinner.
22:03Lizzie and Phil's canapés were, like, really, really good.
22:06I think I'm going to have to up my game for the Baddeels.
22:09Shall I take one of these?
22:11Don't.
22:13What? It's a good height for me.
22:15Even that is too small for you.
22:17The flag means I can't lose you, though.
22:20That's quite useful.
22:21Is it fun shopping with John, Lucy?
22:23No, it's horrific.
22:24You can't do ready meals for the Baddeels.
22:26I mean, sure, you could do a quick dinner if we'd invited Frank Skinner.
22:29You can't invite people round to your house
22:31and them hear the ding of the microwave, can you?
22:34No, I...
22:35Thank you so much for coming all the way to Leeds to meet us for dinner.
22:38Ding! Oh, your tea's ready.
22:40I've got an idea for the dinner party, so that's sorted.
22:43He takes the joy out of food shopping, Eddie,
22:46because he doesn't eat anything that tastes of anything,
22:49so what can you do?
22:51And I don't want to eat meat or fish or cheese.
22:54I really don't.
22:55And when I'm with John, I don't eat it.
22:57And when I'm away, instead of having an affair, I have a steak.
23:00Hello, hi. Can I order the steak, please?
23:03Just show it the pan, like it was in the field.
23:06Never have we had someone round for dinner
23:08who has written a song that has gone to number one three times.
23:13Rule and gift.
23:14Which fine young cannibal's song has gone to number one,
23:17then drifted away, then come back to number one, same song,
23:20then gone away, then come back to number one again?
23:23She Drives Me Crazy.
23:24She Drives Me Crazy.
23:28Yeah.
23:29Well, this is the second person coming round for dinner
23:32who's had a number one three times with the same song.
23:36I thought about cooking. It's a gamble.
23:39I've just had an absolute fortune for a vegan takeaway.
23:42I'm just going to heat it up and that's going to be for the Badeels
23:45and when they come in, I just don't have to be flustered.
23:48So what's important is that,
23:50just make sure they know that I've made them from scratch.
23:53No, it's fine to have people round and cook food and it be a bit shit.
23:57It's also fine to have people around and say,
23:59I thought if we cooked it'd be a bit shit, so we just got takeaway.
24:02It's not fine to get takeaway and say, I've cooked.
24:05The key to lying is not believing that you've lied,
24:08it's believing that it's the truth.
24:10Did you make that? I made it all.
24:12You made all of this? And the wine.
24:14You didn't make the falafels, they're too round.
24:16I made everything that you can eat.
24:18And when are they coming? Cos you've timed it wrong.
24:20When did you tell them to come? I mean, they're late.
24:22They should be here soon. Have you got the day wrong?
24:25Do you think I'd spend 200 quid on a takeaway if I got the day wrong?
24:28Yes. There's clearly some sort of mistake, isn't there?
24:31Because we are here and they are not.
24:34We're just near closure.
24:36I need someone to say they're not coming
24:38and then I can drink the wine that is here.
24:40Is the venue wrong?
24:42No. They know where we live.
24:44They were coming to the area anyway, I've told you.
24:46They've got family...
24:48DOORBELL RINGS
24:50See? OK.
24:52What's the little word you have to say?
24:55Pee-pee. You fuckhead.
24:57Poo-poo. Can you please say sorry?
24:59That's what's going to split us up, you know.
25:01He's not saying sorry when he's done something wrong.
25:03I'm coming. I can't bear it.
25:05I am victorious.
25:07Can you say those five little words?
25:09I wish we weren't married.
25:12You can't say it, can you?
25:14I was quick, that one. I got to married, I was out.
25:17Hello. Oh. Passport for you.
25:19Hello. Sorry.
25:21Thought you were David Baddiel.
25:23It's not them, it's just a package.
25:25I haven't ordered anything.
25:27When can I start eating?
25:29You can't start eating. It's rude, isn't it?
25:31They're not coming. They might just be late, John.
25:35Oh, Baddiel and Skinner and the Lightning Seeds.
25:38Holy shit.
25:39Thank you for the invite, Lucy.
25:41And here's a signed copy of Three Lions you asked for.
25:43We're looking forward to dinner, but I was with David Tennant yesterday
25:46and he told me about your recent evening together.
25:49Do you think that we're trying to steal this idea?
25:54What a cock! Oh, my God.
25:56We're not planning on stealing your format either.
25:58They're not coming? No, they're not coming.
26:00Right, so now we can eat and I can get bollocksed and they're not coming
26:03and you've got me a signed Three Lions.
26:05I'm going to have more dinner parties.
26:07I'm going to invite more people who I know are not going to come
26:09but might send me some merch.
26:10If you're watching and you don't like me,
26:12don't come round but send me some of it.
26:14What a day. Wonderful.
26:16He was really, really happy with that Three Lions.
26:19It's not for him, it's for the PTA.
26:21I know what she's trying to do, she's got to put it in that raffle.
26:24I'm not going to let her.
26:25It had been a perfect day and things were about to get better.
26:28It turns out our posh neighbours aren't the pillars of the community
26:31that they seem to be.
26:36Shut up!
26:37Fucking hell, are they doing?
26:39Don't wake up, man!
26:40Come on, it's only early!
26:41We've got bubbles! Bubbles in the bubbles!
26:44And swimming costumes!
26:46Come on, we don't have to keep going.
26:48What the fuck are they doing?
26:50All right, come with me.
26:52Lucy!
26:54Look, look, look, look, look.
26:56John!
26:57Look what we've got outside.
27:00Sex badgers.
27:01What?
27:02Look, on the drive.
27:03Wake up, John!
27:04Lucy, I love you!
27:07Oh, my God!
27:09If it was foxes, I'd spray water at them.
27:12Next time on Meet the Richardsons,
27:14Lizzie and Phil say sorry for their drunken behaviour.
27:17We've got to get our hands off the pot here.
27:19If you're the neighbours...
27:20I didn't think you'd be up this morning.
27:22John gets outwitted by a pet hamster.
27:24Oh, you silly bastard!
27:26Shit.
27:28And we discover the comedian who is trying to steal our show.
27:32You and Hannah?
27:33Yeah.
27:34For telly?
27:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:36I'll be here at the wedding breakfast,
27:39I'll be long for dinner.
27:41So help me, hot toast and risky jokes,
27:45I love you very much.
27:48So help me, I'll force a laugh
27:51For the flicking photographs, so have no fear.
27:54I won't turn tail,
27:56I won't run amuck
27:58When the females chuck confetti in my ears.
28:02And cross my heart, love, I'll keep up the pace.