Meet the Richardsons. S03 E03.
First broadcast 17th March 2022.
Jon and Lucy agree to hamster-sit for the neighbours, Jon tries out new stand-up material, and Lucy uses a corporate gig as a chance to stage a protest against the fossil fuel industry.
Jon Richardson Jon
Lucy Beaumont Lucy
Gill Adams Self
Damion Priestley Self
Elsie Richardson Self
Elizabeth Bower Lizzie
Hywel Morgan Phil
Nick Pearse Floorer
Charlotte Pyke Susanne Bennett-Jones
Robin Bowerman Oil Distributors Association Man
Russell Kane Self
Joel Dommett Self
Emma Louise Jones Self
Gabby Logan Self
Jon and Lucy agree to hamster-sit for the neighbours, Jon tries out new stand-up material, and Lucy uses a corporate gig as a chance to stage a protest against the fossil fuel industry.
Jon Richardson Jon
Lucy Beaumont Lucy
Gill Adams Self
Damion Priestley Self
Elsie Richardson Self
Elizabeth Bower Lizzie
Hywel Morgan Phil
Nick Pearse Floorer
Charlotte Pyke Susanne Bennett-Jones
Robin Bowerman Oil Distributors Association Man
Russell Kane Self
Joel Dommett Self
Emma Louise Jones Self
Gabby Logan Self
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00The only good thing about me is that I'm on telly.
00:07It's the only good thing about my personality,
00:09because it means that I can get her stuff and I've got money.
00:12True.
00:13So anyone who knew me before that and liked me,
00:15I mean, they're mad, but at least I know I can trust them.
00:17Is that why you don't trust me, then?
00:19I don't trust you, no.
00:21So do you think earning marriage is because you're on TV?
00:23You've told me that.
00:24Oh, yeah.
00:26In tonight's episode...
00:28John is outwitted by a pet hamster.
00:30Oh, you silly bastard!
00:32Shit.
00:33Lucy gets bopped on another high-profile game show.
00:36I like Richard Osman. I know a lot of people do, but I do.
00:39And John gets back to his stand-up with comedian Joel Dommett.
00:42It's never good to be back gigging.
00:44Er...
00:46Make a wicked sunset!
00:48Yeah!
00:49Where are we looking? Which one?
00:51Cheese!
00:53Cheese!
00:54Yesterday was our neighbour's kid's birthday party.
00:57At least you look like you're enjoying yourself.
01:00We left early, but our neighbours tried to continue the party back at ours.
01:04Sex badgers.
01:05What?
01:06Look who!
01:07Oh, wow.
01:10Oh, hello!
01:11Hiya.
01:12John, look who it is. Aw, you all right?
01:15We just popped round to say sorry about last night.
01:18Sorry, sorry.
01:19Come on, it's only early!
01:20I didn't think you'd be up this morning.
01:22Sorry, we got a bit out of hand after the party.
01:24A few of the neighbours hung around and it just got a bit leery.
01:27You know, as you do. From us to you.
01:29You shouldn't have done that, you know.
01:31Oh, no, no, no.
01:32We should have known they like a drink.
01:33Do you want a top-up?
01:34Yes, I would love one.
01:35Thank you.
01:36They've got us hammered before.
01:38I like them because they drink heavily.
01:41Tick, tick, well done.
01:43You can be my friend.
01:45Got absolutely rollexed, didn't we?
01:47You know, it happens so fast, you don't know it's happened.
01:50I was like, oh, I'm hammered.
01:52That's what that was like.
01:53We only went round for a bit of lunch.
01:55Elsie was playing on the swings with the kids.
01:57They kept bringing it out.
01:58I put her to bed that night, I realised I'm in fucking trouble here.
02:01I couldn't read.
02:02And she's not on complicated literature.
02:04Do you know what I mean?
02:05But even, like, Froggy went to court and I was...
02:09I had to get Elsie to read it.
02:11Do you know what?
02:12Tonight, why don't you read to Daddy?
02:15You read it, you're a good reader.
02:17Tristan said to me that Elsie took a little bit of a shine to Ed Sheeran.
02:21The hamster.
02:22But we're going away for a few days, so I just wondered if you'd have him.
02:25Aw, do you know, that'd be so lovely.
02:28She'll be so excited.
02:30Lovely.
02:31So we're getting a hamster.
02:33We are constantly on the brink, just day-to-day life,
02:37running our two diaries and trying to be good parents,
02:41and then suddenly a fucking rat will turn up.
02:45She volunteers for this shit, by the way.
02:47A hamster, a bunny rabbit, a chinchilla.
02:50You want a chinchilla? It was...
02:52Oh, that chihuahua.
02:54I dropped a raisin, I nearly killed the fucking thing.
02:57It just sits on the couch like that.
02:59And it left its teddy at our house.
03:01It's got this teddy, it fucks a Christmas reindeer,
03:04it gets it by the antlers and fucks its head.
03:07And then...
03:09They left the teddy behind.
03:11Elsie picked it up and she said,
03:13oh, he's left his special teddy,
03:15I'll put that down now and go into the disinfection chamber.
03:18It walks on its own now, that reindeer.
03:20Not one eye hanging off, it just walks in like that.
03:24Incinerate me.
03:26Lucy's got herself a high-powered agent
03:28who's getting her lots of work.
03:30She was on Pointless.
03:32And now Suzanne's got her on another quiz show.
03:35Trust me, Lucy, they will love you.
03:37Do you really think?
03:39Suzanne, you know, she's mates with Richard Osman,
03:41she got me on House Of Games,
03:43get Lucy on the next series, she did it.
03:45Good luck.
03:46I'll be sat down because the height difference bothers me.
03:49You know how excited John gets before he comes on counter?
03:52And I'm like that, only taller.
03:54Are you taller than me?
03:56I might be an inch in it, yeah.
03:58Are you taller than Richard?
04:00I don't think you are, I always think of you as just being stupid.
04:04Well, let's go back to back.
04:08He'll be sat down going like this.
04:10What? What do you mean?
04:12He'll say, Lucy, what have you got?
04:13Sorry, did you not hear the question?
04:15Isn't that awful? People will be watching this,
04:17feeling really sorry for me,
04:19cos they'll be saying, he's not supportive of her.
04:21No, they won't, because by the time this goes out,
04:23you'll have been on House Of Games
04:25and we'll put a clip of exactly what I said happening.
04:27Oh, er...
04:29Oh, gosh, it's just gone.
04:31Lucy was off to do House Of Games,
04:33so I gave her a lift to the station.
04:35That was annoying when that film came out
04:37cos no-one in Hull could say that either.
04:39Hermelin. Hermelin. Hermelin.
04:41Good evening, this is Peter McAllister,
04:44your new father.
04:46I'd like a hotel room, please, with an extra-large bed.
04:49And one of those little refrigerators
04:51you have to open with a key.
04:53Credit card? You got it.
04:55Do you want me to do the rest of Home Alone 2,
04:57or is that probably enough? Probably enough.
04:59That's the only film I've seen at the cinema
05:01more times than Titanic.
05:02Posters on my bedroom wall.
05:04Pamela Anderson, Pamela Anderson,
05:06Pamela Anderson, Titanic.
05:08Big tits and big ships.
05:10That's what I like.
05:12I love the bit when the captain goes back
05:14into the little control room to die.
05:16I didn't like the shagging in the car,
05:18that's disrespectful to other people's property.
05:20But when the captain goes down with his ship,
05:22stands there, all elegant, and then the water comes in.
05:25I had to start asking different friends
05:27and pretending I hadn't seen it.
05:29Tissue of lies.
05:30I knew it was going to get round the school.
05:33Richardson's obsessed with Titanic.
05:36I get people on their own, like,
05:39Me neither, shall we go on Saturday?
05:42While I was away, Lizzie came round
05:44to show John a hamster.
05:46Good morning, John.
05:47Hello, how are you?
05:48Practically naked.
05:50Yeah.
05:51Here you go.
05:52Pajamas underneath as well.
05:53Thanks for doing this.
05:54I can't tell you how excited we are.
05:56Just give him a little stroke every so often.
05:58OK.
05:59He's only ickle, but he likes a tickle.
06:01Does he bite?
06:02Well, it depends if you're mean to him or not.
06:04You're not going to be mean to him, are you?
06:06No.
06:07You're going to be really kind.
06:08I'm going to be very nice to him.
06:09Yeah, he's going to love it here.
06:12Bye-bye, Ed Sheeran.
06:16Bye-bye, John.
06:20Have a nice time.
06:21Don't behave yourself in there, you little rat.
06:24When I got to Scotland,
06:25House of Games had got me a lovely hotel.
06:27So, today's the day.
06:29I'm on House of Games.
06:31I like Richard Osman.
06:32I know a lot of people don't, but I do like him.
06:34Oh, hello.
06:36It's not a rat.
06:37It's a hamster.
06:38It's a live creature in my house
06:41with needs that I am not equipped to deal with.
06:44Sort of like how you are with me,
06:46except it's a rat.
06:47If you play Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran,
06:49it runs around on its wheel.
06:50Play Ed Sheeran, Castle on the Hill.
06:59There it is.
07:00He doesn't actually like animals.
07:02You can't stand any cats in the garden.
07:04Oh, the cat's getting sod right off.
07:06In Hebden, the cats were like just normal cats.
07:09Round here, they're all weird, hairless,
07:12odd-shaped, sculpted, manx-looking,
07:15ugly, evil fucking things.
07:17And they strut around like that.
07:19They front you out and they stare at you.
07:21I bang on the window and they go,
07:22what?
07:23As predicted, it was me who ended up
07:25looking after Ed Sheeran.
07:27Well, it smells,
07:28so I'm going to change the sawdust.
07:31Ah, he's biting!
07:32Oh, you little shithouse!
07:35Sorry, mate.
07:36I know you were just getting used to being
07:38in your little stinky piss house, weren't you?
07:40You just stay in there.
07:42I know you haven't got a lot of choice in the matter,
07:44to be honest.
07:45Start with your bop-bop.
07:47Fuck!
07:48Oh, you silly bastard!
07:50Shit!
07:51Fucking little pain in the arse.
07:54Have you lost your hamster?
07:55I know exactly where the hamster is.
07:57I just can't get to it.
07:59Prick.
08:00That was like a mini version of Ratatouille
08:02you just filmed there.
08:03Ed Sheeran.
08:04He has sort of chord structures
08:06that I recognise from other songs,
08:08but slightly changed.
08:12I didn't want a kitchen island.
08:14Makes pretentious shit.
08:16Now we've got an island
08:18and we've got a stowaway.
08:19Come out now,
08:20or I'm going to play this music all night
08:22in full Guantanamo Bay.
08:24That's good enough for not just the hamster,
08:27but I imagine the real Ed Sheeran would like that.
08:30Room service.
08:32I'm quite hungry.
08:33Doctor say you put on weight, innit?
08:35You have kids, you eat their food,
08:36you get a hamster,
08:37you end up putting on a buffet for them
08:39and then eating it yourself,
08:40sat on the floor.
08:42That'll be another dining table.
08:44Might have one for a couple of weeks.
08:49While I was away on House of Games...
08:51BUZZER
08:52Yes, Lucy?
08:53I'm sorry, I don't know.
08:54..John was doing what he does best.
08:56A stand-up gig for a local Leeds charity.
08:58She got to bed earlier and earlier.
09:00Is that a sign of a happy marriage?
09:02Sometimes, like, half seven.
09:03She says, I'm really tired, I'm going to go upstairs.
09:05And then I got to bed about 11, the light's still on.
09:07She's doing something with her, isn't she?
09:09But she seems to be having a fun time.
09:11Can I just say what a privilege it is
09:12to be a Leeds fan at the moment
09:14and just know that you are?
09:15CHEERING
09:17Thank you, everyone.
09:18CHEERING
09:21John, that was amazing.
09:23You don't know how much it means to the club,
09:25to the charities.
09:26You were amazing. Thank you.
09:27It's really good of you.
09:28Well, I'm happy to do anything for the club.
09:30Do you want to come on the podcast, then?
09:31Yes, please. I'll listen to it. I think it's really good.
09:33We'll get you and Calvin on together.
09:35We have Calvin on all the time.
09:37John's hero is Leeds footballer Calvin Phillips.
09:40Beautiful man. Beautiful man.
09:42John's realised Calvin lives in our street
09:44and now he wants to meet him.
09:46Once I can find a way of meeting him,
09:48not through his fence.
09:50Do you want to come on with him?
09:51Yes, mate. Yes, please.
09:52Oh, right, we're going to make it happen.
09:54And then we'll become friends.
09:55Me and you or you and Calvin?
09:56Well, all of us.
09:58Yes, Lucy?
09:59Erm, it's thingy.
10:01You know.
10:02I know, I really want to give it to you.
10:03Just don't do something you are literally physically
10:06incapable of doing, i.e. getting one question right on a quiz.
10:10Back at home, Ed Sheeran was still on the loose.
10:13It just turns around, doesn't it?
10:15Holy Mary Mother of God.
10:17I tried some of the stuff I've picked up,
10:20getting in character for Line Of Duty.
10:22Now we're sucking, Petra.
10:24So I used some sort of police catchphrases.
10:26I know you're in there.
10:27I heard it from a chis.
10:28None of it really worked.
10:30I have no choice but to buy a replacement hamster.
10:33There he is.
10:34Ed Sheeran reborn.
10:35Almost as if the first hamster was just a sample
10:38and this hamster just took it and made it into something else.
10:42I'm just wasting everybody's time here.
10:45House of Games was all done,
10:47so I thought I'd better check in with my new agent.
10:49Suzanne. Hiya.
10:51Did you get my email about the corporate gig?
10:52No, sorry, I've missed that. What is it?
10:54For the Oil Distributors Association.
10:55Oil?
10:56I told them you were the new Victoria Wood.
10:58Oil company?
10:59Is that OK? Something wrong?
11:00Well, yeah, actually, I'll do it, yeah.
11:03Perfect. I'll confirm. Speak soon, sweetie.
11:05Are corporates part of your strategy for Lucy?
11:07Corporates don't give a shit who turns up,
11:09as long as they're off the telly.
11:10I like Suzanne. She's dynamic,
11:12but she's treating you like you're a closing down sale
11:15and she's just getting you everything.
11:16You need to be a bit more, I would say, selective.
11:19It's like that scene in a western
11:20when they just run the horse until it collapses.
11:23Hi, this is Suzanne.
11:24If it's about work for Lucy Beaumont, it's a yes.
11:28To replace his dog and bastard,
11:30John's bought himself a run-down local pub.
11:33Last couple of signatures and then that's it.
11:35You're all done.
11:36So he goes to his pub.
11:37I don't know what he does when he gets in there.
11:39Measures stuff with his little metal tape measure
11:42and his box with his screws in and his screwdriver.
11:44I mean, the only thing he can do is change a light bulb.
11:47He's got a DIY level as a 15-year-old boy.
11:50I don't even...
11:51I didn't know that was on.
11:52Are you going to open the bar to the public?
11:54Why would I let them in here?
11:55They had the chance, they blew it.
11:56It used to be a public bar.
11:57It's like a rescue dog.
11:58Somebody abused it
11:59and that person must never be allowed to own pets again.
12:02Hi, John.
12:03Hello.
12:04Where's this flat then?
12:06Upstairs.
12:07Thanks.
12:08This way?
12:09Where are you going? Why?
12:10I'm moving in, John.
12:11Well, what did they expect?
12:12They sold the house in Surbiton.
12:14My mum, Jill, had been living in our house in London
12:16but we had to sell it.
12:17The house you are in...
12:18My house.
12:19..we got a removals man for her and then...
12:21For her stuff.
12:22Yeah.
12:23She came on the train.
12:24When he saw how much stuff she had,
12:26he had to charge her a lot more money.
12:28There was a lot of knick-knacks.
12:30He just looked at it and went,
12:31No! No! No!
12:33What's this?
12:34That is a hamster.
12:35We had an hamster.
12:36I called it Udini
12:38because it was always escaping from its cage.
12:40It used to push its little house
12:43to directly below the little shutter thing
12:46and it used to climb up and get out.
12:48One day I was watching telly
12:49and a fucking thing ran across the side of the settee.
12:52I thought it was a rat, so I...
12:54Like an Inja.
12:55You are like an Inja.
12:56Whacked it.
12:57Killed it.
12:58Died instantly.
12:59I don't go around hitting hamsters.
13:00I thought it was a rat.
13:01Is that what's wrong with you?
13:02Oh, yeah.
13:03Yeah, that and...
13:04..other things.
13:08Now, if you're anything like your doppelganger,
13:11what you need to do is bite me quite hard
13:13because that's what the last little shit did.
13:15There we go.
13:16Ow!
13:17Fucking little horrible thing.
13:19In there. In there.
13:23Hello.
13:24Hello.
13:25That was good timing.
13:26I must have smelt the wine bottle opening, did you?
13:28Oh, that looks nice. Thank you.
13:30Little bit of Scrant for the three of us.
13:33Play Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran.
13:38Not going on his wheel.
13:39He doesn't like Ed Sheeran any more. I trained him off it.
13:42Oh.
13:43He's got a broadened palette now. He likes Vivaldi.
13:45Oh, really?
13:46When are they coming to pick him up?
13:48He looks well, you know.
13:49His coat looked nice and shiny.
13:51That's just head and shoulders.
13:52You, you, you, you, you, keep your mouth shut.
13:56If any one of you tells her that's not the real hamster,
13:58I'm going to put it in your bed when you're asleep
14:00and they're going to bite your genitals.
14:02And if the hamster doesn't, I will.
14:04Meet the Ripsons.
14:09Meet the Ripsons.
14:12In part one, John lost the neighbour's hamster.
14:16Oh, you silly bastard.
14:18Shit.
14:19Let's talk about the hamster.
14:20Richard Hammond.
14:22Complex man.
14:23You're going to need more than ten minutes.
14:25Lucy's agent has got her a corporate gig.
14:27For the Oil Distributors Association.
14:29Oil?
14:30Corporates don't give a shit who turns up as long as they're off the telly.
14:32And John Richardson is back doing his first love stand-up.
14:36Has she got to bed earlier and earlier?
14:37Is that a sign of a happy marriage?
14:40After we moved in, I paid for an expensive new floor.
14:43But Lucy used the wrong kind of wipes on it.
14:45Do not use unpainted or varnished surfaces.
14:48Wow, but she did the wrong thing with Not The Mop.
14:50So now, I was going to have to pay for repairs.
14:53Oh, hello, mate.
14:54Yes, come in.
14:55Is this Herringburn?
14:56It is.
14:57What's parquet?
14:58It's smaller and wooden.
14:59I think I'll have that instead.
15:00Yeah? A whole lot?
15:01Yeah.
15:02I want it to look a bit like Georgian.
15:04She has instant remorse about everything she does.
15:07Houses, cars, garden furniture, marriages.
15:10Instant remorse.
15:11When did you start having remorse about the marriage?
15:13If I'm honest, it was the night I moved in to his house when we first met.
15:17It's the same as I am as a comic.
15:18I'm not the thing you're looking forward to that year.
15:20Do you know what I mean?
15:21You've probably got tickets to Grease the musical.
15:23I'm not like the thing you're going to talk about.
15:25I'm good for a Tuesday.
15:26The floor guy's in there.
15:27He's going to quote that, which is what the job should cost,
15:30which I've researched online.
15:32He's going to put a percentage on because we're on telly
15:34and I'm going to tell him that's what we're paying.
15:36How much is this second new floor going to cost?
15:39£1,200 plus that.
15:40I've got it coming out at £900, not £1,200.
15:42£900.
15:43They just think I'm an absolute moron.
15:45They start at the top and they just work down to the job
15:48that you've actually asked them to do.
15:50Oh, we've got a problem with some of the kitchen floor.
15:52Yeah, the problem's probably in your loft.
15:54Have you thought about a new roof?
15:55I have already got one guy who's happy to do it at £900.
15:57John!
15:58So, I understand if it's...
15:59If you can match it, I'd like to...
16:01You know, you seem like a good man.
16:02They're all bullshitters.
16:03Phone someone for an actual quote, so you've got a ballpark.
16:06Halve it, ring someone else.
16:08It's just bullshit.
16:09£900 plus that.
16:10Yeah, let's go for that.
16:11Thank you.
16:12Do you want a bit of cake before you go?
16:14Yeah, I'd love a bit of cake.
16:15Our neighbours have made us some.
16:16I haven't had any yet, actually.
16:18Oh.
16:21It was time for John to do the Leeds podcast.
16:24He was really excited.
16:25He was going to meet his hero, Leeds player Calvin Phillips.
16:28Hello there.
16:29John.
16:30Hello there.
16:31You all right?
16:32Yeah, I'm good, yeah.
16:33Looking forward to meeting Calvin.
16:34Oh, has no-one told you?
16:35He's not here?
16:36No.
16:37Do you know him?
16:38I've never met him.
16:39He's so nice, Calvin.
16:40Do you mind doing it anyway?
16:41Of course not.
16:42Let's do it.
16:43Thank you.
16:44Guys, am I right in thinking that you two have met before?
16:45Yes, we have, actually.
16:46It's a major sporting event.
16:47Well, it was Let's Play Darts for sport relief.
16:50John says his darting strength
16:52is that he doesn't throw his darts too hard.
16:54Forty-one.
16:55I can't watch darts at the lakeside now
16:57because it reminds me of being knocked out in the first round
17:00by TV nature expert Kate Humble.
17:03So far, so good. These are decent darts.
17:05Some really amazing comics were brilliant at darts.
17:08Like, absolutely fantastic.
17:10Oh!
17:11No score.
17:12You practised loads, though, didn't you, beforehand?
17:14He's got a dartboard at home.
17:16How did you go?
17:17Oh!
17:18No score.
17:19Losing on telly at darts to Kate Humble
17:22is something I think about on an almost daily basis.
17:25She'd never played darts before as well, Emma, which was amazing.
17:28She's worked at the Olympics.
17:30She's covered ten major football tournaments.
17:32Why's she still banging on about me and Kate Humble?
17:34In your ear the whole time, Humble.
17:36Technique-wise, not very good,
17:38but the sledging out of this world, she's like,
17:41even your mum's not going to want to look at you
17:43after what I do to you, are they?
17:47I think it's probably good to talk about football for a bit, isn't it?
17:52Oh, that was fun.
17:54Yes, that was good.
17:55I did have something I was going to ask you,
17:57but I think by the sounds of it, you're really busy,
17:59so you probably haven't got time.
18:01I've got time.
18:02Well, I've been asked to do Stand Up and Deliver.
18:05Five top comedians are beginning a socially distanced mission
18:09to train five celebrities in the art of stand-up.
18:12Any tips, right?
18:13Anything you can give me that would kind of help me
18:15to get a bit of material, a bit of confidence?
18:17It's always good if you've got, like, friends there
18:19and then they'll sort of suggest people you've known
18:21since they were young and then they'll suggest stories.
18:23I don't mind helping Gabby learn to do stand-up,
18:25if she knows Calvin.
18:26That's my way in.
18:27I'm relieved that's all she said.
18:28She could have said, I need to bury a body,
18:30but you'll get to meet Calvin.
18:31I'd be like, where is it? Get the shovel.
18:33Let's meet up for lunch in Leeds and...
18:35OK.
18:36..bring along...
18:37Calvin's quite busy.
18:38They don't sort of mean Calvin, just anyone else.
18:41Tonight, John's doing another warm-up gig.
18:43He's really getting back into his stand-up.
18:45I'm in gig mode, so you might end up as an anecdote
18:48or as a guy in a pub once referred to my work, scenarios.
18:52Don't be putting this in any of your scenarios.
18:55I'm glad he's working again,
18:57cos I have been the one keeping a roof above our heads, really.
19:01On tonight's bill is Joel Dommett.
19:03He's a comedian and the host of The Masked Singer.
19:05Hello!
19:07I'm Joel Dommett and this is The Masked Singer.
19:10Doesn't it feel good to be back gigging?
19:12Er...
19:13Does it feel weird, like, doing stuff without Lucy, you know?
19:16It feels like a release, to be honest. We're not a double act.
19:19Honestly, though, you're so good together.
19:21Me and Hannah, we were saying that you're kind of like...
19:24You're like the new Mel and Sue, you know?
19:26It's just so natural, the back and forth.
19:30Me and Hannah, we were watching it.
19:32We honestly felt very inspired to go and do more shows together.
19:35You know, we did Home Alone on ITV2.
19:37Come on into your own sofa. Take a seat.
19:39I'm going to treat you to a night out in.
19:42Yeah. Does that sound fun? I'm excited for that.
19:44It was actually a time where everyone was in lockdown
19:47and the country was in a real crisis that really lifted the nation.
19:50At the time, it was really difficult.
19:52Oh, look at the colour of that. That is disgusting.
19:55It's like your piss in the morning.
19:57I've got, like, a new project that I feel like is going to be good.
20:00You and Hannah? Yeah. For telly? Yeah.
20:02I mean, almost say thank you, really,
20:04because it kind of inspired us to really sort of push forwards with that.
20:08When have you put my phone on?
20:10What are you doing, Joel? I'm texting Lucy to tell her about Joel and Hannah.
20:13They're definitely the ones nicking our idea.
20:15I did write a book called It's Not Me, It's You,
20:18and then a year or two later,
20:20Joel Domick released a book called It's Not Me, It's Them.
20:23So I'm not saying he's got previous for stealing my ideas,
20:26but he has got previous for stealing my ideas.
20:29Piss take. See what she makes.
20:31She's harder than me, so she'll go for him.
20:34I'll just say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine, isn't it?
20:37She'll go at him.
20:38It was the day of the oil corporate, and I took my mum with me
20:41because I'd got a plan to go viral.
20:43Right, so what I want you to do is film me, basically,
20:47as soon as I get up there.
20:48Don't stop filming. It could kick off this, you know.
20:51I bloody hope so.
20:52I did think about turning it down, and then I thought,
20:55no, get the money, go and do the set,
20:58and then I can start with a political statement.
21:01I'm going to be like Hull's version of, you know,
21:03that Hetty Gumberg or whatever her name is.
21:05I've never heard of her. Do you want your shoes in?
21:07No, I don't. No, so keep it on me.
21:09Right, forget about the room, just keep filming.
21:12Do you understand? It might get rowdy.
21:14I'm going to show these oil bastards.
21:16I'm brilliant.
21:17I am the real activist in the family.
21:19I mean, I give money to a lot of, like, green shoot companies,
21:23a lot of things that I can't talk about.
21:26Because they're made up.
21:27I give sort of, like, grants, bursaries out to people.
21:30Chucking a quid in someone's hat because they're playing a saxophone
21:33is not a bursary.
21:34Ladies and gentlemen, it's Hull's finest, Lucy Beaumont.
21:37APPLAUSE
21:43Just brought my mum with me.
21:47Hello, ladies and gentlemen. How do you all sleep at night?
21:50Have you thought about the devastating impact
21:53your industry is causing on wildlife?
21:56You tell them those.
21:58Oil and gas drilling has a devastating impact on wildlife,
22:01generating pollution and fuelling climate change.
22:06Are you working this industry?
22:08It's coconut oil. What?
22:10Chip fat. It weren't oil, Eddie.
22:12It was chip fat.
22:14Oh, fuck's sake, Lucy.
22:16Lucy Beaumont, everybody!
22:19I told her exactly what it's like doing corporates.
22:21You'll get the money, but you'll earn it,
22:23cos it will tarnish your soul.
22:24Nobody listens to me.
22:25I mean, look at Ultimate Warrior.
22:27You know, the two series we did of that
22:29could have solved every problem we've faced as a planet,
22:32but people thought it was just a comedy.
22:34Oh, God! I have to go now!
22:36Oh, that's the opposite of a boner!
22:40Nobody listens. Nobody heeds my warning.
22:42I'm just the old man on his stoop in the horror film.
22:46I ain't staying up in the barn, are you?
22:48Nobody comes back from the barn.
22:50That's what they think I am.
22:51Ah, fuck off, you mad old bastard.
22:53They're all drinking tequila and shagging each other.
22:56Like, the old guy says he's horny.
22:58And then I hear the screams on my step.
23:01That's me.
23:04I got up with my daughter, as I do, you know,
23:06probably 52% of the time, but who's doing the stats?
23:09I am, and it's 52%.
23:11That's not half, is it?
23:13But anyway, it doesn't matter,
23:14cos I do most of the bedtimes as well,
23:16but, again, not an issue.
23:17It's really about whether our child is fulfilled.
23:19But, again, I do have a spreadsheet, if you're interested.
23:22Like, comedy's not a discernible talent.
23:25You get to decide what you want to do.
23:28It's not a discernible talent.
23:30You get to decide whether I'm good or not,
23:32which is ludicrous, because I am good.
23:35With comedy, you get to tell me I'm shit, and you do.
23:38Maybe not you, but people you know will message me
23:40on the internet and tell me I'm shit.
23:42And comedians are two-faced anyway.
23:43I don't know if you've ever met a comedian.
23:45They're horrific people.
23:46They'll tell you they like your stuff,
23:48and they don't really mean it, you know.
23:50At least singers, there's some mystery
23:51to finding out who they are.
23:53It's a bit weird, that stuff, isn't it?
23:55I'll tell you now, comedians are pieces of shit.
23:57I don't think I've seen him do that stuff before.
23:59It just feels a bit, like, off.
24:01Do you think it's anything to do with you and Hannah
24:03doing a sort of meet-the-Richardson-style show?
24:06What, like, he thinks that we want to do
24:09a meet-the-Richardson...
24:11I'm going to hand over now to the wonderful Joel Dommett,
24:13who's going to tell you some of his sort of new material as well,
24:15that, you know, might be similar to some of the things you've heard.
24:19It might be like you think,
24:20oh, I've seen that routine done on a different channel.
24:22I'm not going to be on Dave!
24:24But anyway, enjoy, Joel.
24:25I'm sure you will. People seem to...
24:27I'm on a primetime ITV show!
24:29Please welcome Joel Dommett!
24:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:41So, how did that go?
24:43Do all right.
24:44I got a bit angry.
24:45You should never look angry on stage,
24:47cos the audience can tell.
24:48If you go on angry...
24:50How was it for you?
24:51How many bags of crisps have you had?
24:53I've had half a dozen bags of crisps.
24:55Cartloads of beer.
24:57And I feel a bit...a bit queasy.
24:59Don't be sick in my car.
25:00I won't be sick. Don't worry about that.
25:02I don't mind driving you, but don't be sick in the footwell.
25:04No, I won't be sick.
25:05Kelsey's not sick now. I don't need you...
25:07What was that all about?
25:08What?
25:09Well, that stuff about, like, the mask slipping
25:12and nicking your ideas and stuff.
25:14I was just doing new material about...my life.
25:17I don't need to do a rip-off of your...meet-the-whatever.
25:22I'm on ITV1, like, a primetime...
25:25The Masked Singer, man.
25:26What's this?
25:27Just cos you said before you had, like, a new thing, and I...
25:32I just assumed you meant meet the dummets.
25:35No!
25:36All right, I'm sorry.
25:38If you do a masked show, though, I'll fucking kill you.
25:45Ooh.
25:46It's not Joel and Hannah who are nicking this.
25:49What's wrong with you?
25:50I've got windy pot.
25:51Why?
25:52Because there's a lot of turmoil inside me.
25:54Yeah, well, Joel and Hannah don't get that, do they?
25:56Acid reflux.
25:57No, well...
25:58They've done a Mini Cooper advert, you know.
26:05While we were out, the floor man had been round
26:07to carry out the £900 repairs.
26:10What's he done, John?
26:12Not finished the floor, that's fairly obvious.
26:15We've been, like, ripped off, haven't we?
26:18Like cowboy tradesmen.
26:20We could go on one of them daytime TV shows, couldn't we?
26:24Well, we've got six tiles missing from our kitchen floor.
26:28It's hardly prime time, is it?
26:30For John Richardson to open me.
26:32All done to your spec, think you got your sums wrong.
26:35Happy to come back and finish, you can eat shit.
26:38£300 plus an extra day, call it 450, unbelievable.
26:42P.S. I found your hamster.
26:44What?
26:45Says it's found the hamster.
26:48Where is it?
26:50Ah!
26:51Fucking hell!
26:53In there?
26:55Oh, that's awful!
26:56I mean, I don't agree with leaving a dead hamster behind
26:59and what is basically a ransom note,
27:01but in fairness, I am being held to ransom
27:03and I don't have any choice, so I'm going to have to get him back.
27:06And shearing.
27:07Dead shearing.
27:08Oh, it stinks.
27:09Next time on Meet The Richardsons...
27:11John meets up with line-of-duty creator Jed Mercurio.
27:15What about sex? Are you comfortable with that?
27:18Erm, Lucy has a movie audition in Hollywood.
27:22Think, Sparkle, think.
27:24Get away!
27:25And Matt Ford gets pranked by John.
27:27Oh, come on!
27:29You were barely there, so I feel like I've actually...
27:32I haven't really beaten any.
27:33I'll behave at the wedding breakfast, I'll be lump of dinner.
27:39So help me, hard to toast and risky jokes.
27:43I love you very much.
27:46So help me, I'll force a laugh for the flicking photographs.
27:51So have no fear, I won't turn tail.
27:55I won't run amuck when the females chuck confetti in my ears.
28:00And cross my heart, love, I'll keep up the pace.