The Cup - 103 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00The coach's job is a great opportunity.
00:02And I haven't appointed a new coach yet.
00:05It's my dad. He's had a heart attack.
00:08We won the league under me.
00:09Dr. Caskar, you're taking training.
00:11No, okay, I'll do it.
00:12He is impossible!
00:13I am looking forward to coaching your boys to victory in Birmingham.
00:17Northern Midlands Cup in Birmingham.
00:19You'll be pleased to hear,
00:20Farrell Funeral Directors are funding the trip!
00:31Goal!
00:32Goal!
00:33Goal!
00:34Goal!
00:35Goal!
00:41No, I'm honestly not bothered that I wasn't chosen as coach.
00:45Forgotten it already.
00:49I mean, frankly, it's a relief.
00:52Because a lot of those parents can be very pushy when it comes to their kids.
00:56I mean, I don't need to be pushy,
00:58because, you know, Malky just lets his talent do the talking.
01:01What do you think?
01:03It's a bit dressy for breakfast.
01:05Will it do for Birmingham?
01:06Yeah, yeah, you look lovely on the touchline in that.
01:08It's not for... Yeah, it's not for the touchline.
01:11I've got nothing to wear in the evening.
01:13Oh, look, Janice, look, this trip is about football.
01:16I know, I know, but we haven't been away together for ages.
01:19I'm hoping we can have a bit of fun.
01:22Do you mean fun?
01:25Terry.
01:27Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:29Listen, when our Malky is playing regularly in the Premier League,
01:33then we can start having fun. Not until...
01:35Right, OK, I'll put that in the diary, shall I?
01:382018, have fun with Terry.
01:41I've quite heard you correctly, or I can't believe what I'm hearing,
01:43so could you just tell me again, so that I can be clear?
01:46You can't what, Vincent?
01:47We can't afford to pay for the trip, darling. We're not a charity.
01:51It's like death's going out of fashion.
01:53My business is a waiting game.
01:56There's nothing I can do to influence it.
01:58So much is down to circumstance and luck.
02:02This is Bolton, not Baghdad.
02:05It's a bit inappropriate.
02:10The point is, we are going to have to make cutbacks.
02:13Thankfully, Sandra is very understanding.
02:16Do you want me to go out there and grovel in front of those parents?
02:19Kiss their feet and take back the offer that we've made?
02:23Cos if you want me to do that, Vincent, I will.
02:25I do. I do want you to do that.
02:27Well, I'm not going to do that, Vincent. How can you even suggest it?
02:30I didn't suggest it. You did.
02:32You'd better come up with a very good excuse.
02:34What, me?
02:35I knew I should have married Tom Grinstead.
02:37Oh, here we go. The meat-packing king.
02:39Yeah, well, people always want to eat. They don't always want to die.
02:41Oh, yeah.
02:45It makes me want to die, too, you know.
02:48Everyone!
02:51Vincent has something to say.
02:54As I'm sure many of you are aware,
02:56the recent tax provisions for small businesses
03:00have had a serious knock-on effect
03:02as regards VAT clawbacks
03:06and increased section...
03:09What's he talking about?
03:10Yeah, what Vincent is trying to say
03:13is that he has made a miscalcula...
03:17A miscalculation.
03:18And that he, consequently, can no longer fund the trip to Birmingham.
03:24You are joking, right?
03:26Malky's old future depends on this trip.
03:28This is not just about Malky.
03:30No, fair enough.
03:31It's mainly about Malky, though, isn't it?
03:33Who can pay anything?
03:38I can pay.
03:39Right.
03:41For my own family, that's all.
03:45Look, we could get up at four in the morning
03:47and drive there and back each day.
03:48No, no, the kids would be too tired.
03:50It's essential we stay overnight in the hotel.
03:52No, I agree, it's essential that we stay three nights.
03:55A long weekend is what those kids need.
03:58Yeah, yeah.
04:00So, I suggest that we think of ways to raise the money.
04:05Right.
04:05If the Salmon can find its way back
04:09to the spawning ground,
04:11I'm sure we can find our way to...
04:15to Birmingham.
04:17Now...
04:19Listen, listen, listen, everybody.
04:21Erm, we just raised two grand for Tom, yeah?
04:26Now, Tom Blackley's life is over.
04:32Don't.
04:33That is awful.
04:34Look, that poor man needs money.
04:36How could you be so heartless?
04:38You are saying we should steal from the sick?
04:41All right, well, listen, listen, listen, Sandra.
04:42Do not cancel those hotel rooms, right?
04:44I will get the money some way, yeah?
04:47If Janice can raise two grand, I'm sure I can, right?
04:51Oh.
04:53People aren't dying, they aren't dying.
04:57Although, er, Steve Robson's dad's very poorly, so...
05:00Yes, and we wish him well.
05:03Yeah, but if the worst came to the worst,
05:05I mean, one funeral wouldn't pay for a bus.
05:10Steve's, erm, he's got a number.
05:12Yes, he does.
05:15You know, I feel for Sandra, I really do.
05:17I know how much this tournament means to her.
05:20Well, if you knew how much this tournament meant to me,
05:22you'd pay for it.
05:23Yeah, I thought you were the Abramovich of Ashburn United.
05:26Well, he pays his own way.
05:27He doesn't go begging to his husband.
05:29Abramovich doesn't have a husband.
05:31You know what I mean, Sandra?
05:35I mean, it's her ally I feel sorry for.
05:38She's mad keen to go.
05:40If we don't go...
05:44...there better be a f***ing good reason.
05:48Darling?
05:49What? I didn't f***ing invite them dinner.
05:52This is what football culture does, you see.
05:54I told you, she should have done ballet.
05:56It's worth f***ing ballet too, by the way.
05:58Right, enough is enough.
06:00I'm sorry, I'm going to have to discipline her.
06:01I'm sorry.
06:05Why the f*** should I f***ing miss the f***ing tournament?
06:08Just because you've got a f***ing stupid f***ing job
06:12that doesn't f***ing make you any f***ing money.
06:27Hi, Mum.
06:28How's Dad?
06:31Slight improvement, that's good.
06:33It's good.
06:34Yeah, I'll visit him this evening.
06:36OK, I'll speak to you later.
06:38Bye.
06:42You busy?
06:43No, Terry.
06:44I spend my days watching the cars sell themselves.
06:47It's an idea I got watching you in parts.
06:49Oh, good.
06:50Right.
06:51Couple of things.
06:52Oh, can I get you a coffee?
06:53No, no, I'm good, thanks.
06:55Now, the Ashes have qualified for the Northern Midlands Cup in Birmingham
06:58as I'm sure you're aware.
07:01No? OK.
07:02Well, basically, Vincent Farrell can't afford to fund the trip
07:05and the parents are all a bit skint.
07:06Terry, can we just cut to the bit that's got any relevance whatsoever to me?
07:10We are there.
07:11We've just arrived.
07:12Could I get an advance on my salary?
07:14Just a couple of months?
07:15No.
07:16Well, think about it.
07:17No.
07:18Is that a no to thinking about it or a no to the advance?
07:20Both.
07:21Terry, are you seriously suggesting spending two months of your salary
07:24on this football trip?
07:25Yes.
07:26Well, what about Janice?
07:27Have you thought about her?
07:28Janice hasn't got any money.
07:30He's maddening, he's lazy, he's useless.
07:33And that's really on a good day.
07:35Look, pension.
07:36Why don't you dip into the pension?
07:37Can I do that?
07:38Look, if you don't get out of my office right now,
07:40you're not going to live long enough to get a pension.
07:42Right.
07:43But in a sense, I suppose, I owe him.
07:45When we were 19, I tackled him in training.
07:49It was definitely a 50-50 ball.
07:53But his knee, it just kind of crumbled
07:56and, well, he never really played again.
08:00I went on to play professional and I lived Terry's dream.
08:05I want to give something back.
08:09Most expensive tackle I ever made.
08:12Oh, second thing, yeah?
08:14We are going to this tournament with or without your help.
08:16Er, it's without, without, without, without them.
08:19You know Jeff Inchcliffe.
08:20Just have a word.
08:21Get him to come to Birmingham and have a look at Malky.
08:23You want me to call Bolton's chief junior scout
08:25and get him to go to Birmingham?
08:27He's a neighbour, just pop in.
08:28To watch your lad in a kickabout?
08:30It's the Northern Midlands Under-11s Cup, man.
08:32Terry, if you can't afford to get your team there,
08:34how are you going to afford Jeff Inchcliffe?
08:36He'll need first-class train fare,
08:37he'll need a suite at the hotel, all expenses paid.
08:40Look, if I can get the money for Inchcliffe,
08:41will you promise to ask him?
08:42Yeah, if you promise to go back to work.
08:44Right, thank you.
08:48Third thing, how's your dad?
08:51A bit worried and sick?
08:54Well, er, not so good.
08:57Right.
09:01What on earth is going on?
09:03He's been missing him 20 minutes.
09:05And when are they going to start training?
09:07Come on.
09:09He better not be talking about Fitch.
09:12And the balance of white meat and fish,
09:17particularly oily fish, OK?
09:20It's very good for your omega-3.
09:23Mercier, call me stupid,
09:24but are we going to play any football today at all?
09:29Yes.
09:30When they understand the benefits of nutrition.
09:36OK?
09:37Diet.
09:39Oh, the balls.
09:40Oh, no, no.
09:41No, there are benefits, you know.
09:43Marquis.
09:44What do the greens do?
09:46The greens are too often forgotten, OK?
09:49I really like the new coat.
09:51It's nice to be able to talk to someone about food.
09:55I want to see a poster of my hero.
10:02He's a legend.
10:10This guy Mercier's good, isn't he?
10:11Good?
10:12Where's the bloody ball?
10:13Go around the circle for three times.
10:15Is this football or synchronised swimming?
10:17Yeah, two rights.
10:27What's going on, Marquis?
10:28He's playing attack against defence.
10:30Well, I can see that.
10:31What are you doing here?
10:32You should be in attack.
10:33He's playing one up front.
10:34What?
10:35Oi!
10:36Mercier!
10:37You want Alex Short of a shawl here?
10:39Yes, I favour the 4-5-1 formation.
10:45But both boys will get their chance.
10:47So, please, I must now, how do you say, be given head.
10:54Listen, we've played 4-4-2 all season.
10:57We won the league with 4-4-2.
10:59Then bloody Clouseau's come in and he's changed it to 4-5-1.
11:02Initially I was worried about the 4-5-1 formation.
11:06I don't mind telling you.
11:084-5-1 is one up front.
11:10One up front is not a word in the McConnell dictionary.
11:13Having seen the session with Ranjeet playing up front,
11:16I think it could work.
11:18Having said that, it depends on who's up front.
11:20With that exact formation.
11:21If Malky was up front, that changes things.
11:24And those exact players.
11:25He makes chances.
11:27With that exact strike.
11:28So you only need the one up front.
11:29Then it could work.
11:30So I'm not against the formation, you know, per se.
11:33Bloody hell.
11:34Me speaking French now, look at that.
11:36French.
11:41Hey.
11:43Janice, this sweater, it brings out your pretty eyes, I think.
11:48It is mine.
11:52Hey, Terry.
11:54Keep an eye on Janice, huh?
11:56I'm French.
11:57I can't help myself.
12:00French.
12:02I'm going to get myself a cup of tea.
12:04Would you like one, Raymond?
12:05Come on, Janice.
12:06We've got no time for this.
12:13After two kids, you don't get that many compliments.
12:17I mean, not that it's important to me.
12:19I mean, when Terry and I first started going out,
12:21he always knew what to say to me.
12:23On our third date, he told me my hair reminded him of Glenn Hoddle's.
12:29After the mullet.
12:30Please, allow me.
12:32I have a degree from La Sorbonne.
12:35In the untying of the lace.
12:39So your husband is not here this morning to help?
12:41Even when he was here, he didn't help.
12:44Oh, you're separated?
12:47Divorced.
12:50That's a shame.
12:53I don't think he was flirting with me.
12:57Bon.
12:59He won't be interested in me.
13:04Why?
13:06Did he say something?
13:07I could murder that, Mercier!
13:09Come on, Terry.
13:11It was only a bit of harmless flirting.
13:134-5-1.
13:14If he plays 4-5-1, Malky might end up on the bench.
13:16That's what you're upset about?
13:18The new formation?
13:20You see?
13:21Even mad Janice doesn't like 4-5-1.
13:23Come on, love.
13:24I'm making tea now.
13:26Oh, I'm so looking forward to today.
13:28It's just what we need before Birmingham.
13:30If we get there.
13:32Er, penny for room?
13:35Oh, I'm just trying to remember my last holiday with Terry.
13:38What, your honeymoon?
13:39Probably.
13:45Yeah, that's absolutely fine.
13:46I'll pass that on to him.
13:48OK.
13:49I'll see you later.
13:50Bye.
13:51Yeah, that's absolutely fine.
13:52I'll pass that on to him.
13:54OK.
13:55Excuse me.
13:56One moment, can I just pop you on hold?
13:59Hiya.
14:01Don't ask, don't ask.
14:02I wonder if I can get a word with Mr Ballantyne?
14:04Do you have an appointment?
14:05I don't know, but it's quite urgent.
14:07Well, what's it concerning?
14:08Well, that's really something I'd rather discuss with Mr Ballantyne in person.
14:10I'm afraid I can't do that unless you tell me what it's about.
14:13He's a very busy man.
14:14Yeah, we're all busy men, love.
14:16Look, OK, my boy, Malky McConnell,
14:18he's about to sign professional forms at Bolton.
14:20So, basically, I'm just giving you first dibs on representation.
14:23OK, well, if you leave your details, I'll have one of our team take a look at him.
14:26No, that's not going to work.
14:28Basically, I need an advance.
14:31An advance?
14:32Yeah, on his contract.
14:34Basically, I need to take my boy to the Northern Midlands Cup in Birmingham.
14:38I'm afraid we don't do advances.
14:40Right, a loan, then?
14:41We're not a bank.
14:45Hello.
14:46Hiya.
14:47Hiya.
14:49Bloody hell, Jan, what happened?
14:51I had a sunbed.
14:53No kidding?
14:54They've just changed the bulbs, apparently.
14:57Suits you.
14:58Oh, my God, I look ridiculous!
15:01Well, don't worry, it won't stay pink for long.
15:04No, next it's going to go purple.
15:06Two grand? What's two grand to this place?
15:08I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
15:10Look, I just want to speak to Ballantyne.
15:12Mr Ballantyne's in a meeting.
15:13Mr Ballantyne's in a meeting, is he?
15:15He's in a meeting. What's he doing?
15:16Is he negotiating a contract to get Amir Khan on Strictly Come Dancing?
15:19This is important, this is my boy's...
15:20Mr Ballantyne does not represent Amir Khan,
15:22and if you don't leave, I'm going to call security.
15:24Right, well, call security, because I'm going nowhere.
15:27All right, all right, all right.
15:30Once you get used to it, Janice, you'll be fine.
15:34You all right, Janice?
15:40I don't know what that was about.
15:44Maybe you're just really unfit.
15:47Or it could be sunstroke.
15:53Oh, yes!
15:54Oh, yes!
15:55Oh, yes!
15:56Oh, yes!
15:57Oh, yes!
15:58Oh, yes!
15:59Oh, yes!
16:00Oh, yes!
16:01Oh, yes!
16:02Oh, yes!
16:03What's he doing here?
16:05What's he doing?
16:06I don't know.
16:08Sorry.
16:10Oh, God, Janice.
16:11Janice, don't be mad.
16:12Desperate times...
16:13Dad, what are you talking about?
16:15Oh, me face.
16:16No, I had a sunbed. It went wrong, didn't it?
16:19Oh, right, right.
16:21Oh, well, don't worry, that'll settle down into a nice sort of aubergine.
16:25Why would I be mad, anyway?
16:26Eh?
16:27No, no reason, you know.
16:29Time of the month, I don't know.
16:31Oh, no, Terry.
16:33Look, no, Janice, Janice, careful now.
16:35You're going redder, if that's possible.
16:37Don't even think about it.
16:38We are not remortgaging to pay for this tournament.
16:41Look, look, look, think about it.
16:42Malky's future.
16:43When he's on 80 grand a week, he'll be able to buy us a mansion.
16:46You'd better have two separate bloody mansions
16:48if you carry on like this.
16:54What are you doing?
16:56Nice one, nice one.
16:57Well, it's time for a James birthday.
16:59Come on, Radji.
17:00Well done.
17:01Oh, Jacques Toite, Jean Jay, Les Kids.
17:05What?
17:10That's it, keep it going, move it.
17:12It is Malky, anyway.
17:15Go on.
17:16Move your feet.
17:17Like a Bengal tiger.
17:21Dad, good timing.
17:23Could you nip up to the shop and get some yellow peppers?
17:26What are you doing?
17:27What are you doing?
17:28I'm team chef.
17:29No, you're bloody not.
17:30Come on.
17:31OK, Mercedes, he's gone on far enough.
17:33Get Ranjeet in that kitchen now.
17:35Look, Ranjeet does not want to be team chef.
17:37He will still play, Mr McConnell.
17:38He is the most valuable player.
17:40But children must also be encouraged
17:42to pursue their other interests.
17:44He's not interested in cooking.
17:45I am.
17:46No, you're not.
17:47He volunteered.
17:48Why would he volunteer?
17:49He wants to play football.
17:50I did volunteer, Dad.
17:51Look, for the last time, you did not volunteer, OK?
17:54I am the coach, Mr McConnell.
17:56I am in charge.
17:58Now...
18:01..kindly...
18:05..leave my pitch.
18:07Right.
18:08He did not volunteer.
18:11OK, boys.
18:12Just want to say, yeah, yeah, thanks for staying late.
18:16Think I've cracked it.
18:18How we can raise some money.
18:20So...
18:21..what's the idea?
18:23Watch and learn.
18:26Hit it, Dave.
18:29MUSIC PLAYS
18:41Go!
18:42Baby, take off your coat
18:47Breathe slow
18:51Breathe slow
18:56Baby, take off your shoes
19:01I'll help you take off your shoes
19:05Boys, I'm trying.
19:07Baby, take off your dress
19:12Yes, yes, yes
19:17You can leave your hat on
19:21You can leave your hat on
19:24Hello, love.
19:25Hello.
19:27Oh, oh.
19:28Oh, wow.
19:29You look a million dollars.
19:31Aw, thanks, Terry.
19:32Yeah, yeah, your colour's really settled down now.
19:34It's like a walnut brown, sort of.
19:37Hey, I tell you what, I'd work with that.
19:39Try these on.
19:40That'd really set the, you know, the colour off.
19:43What, are you going to propose again, Terry?
19:47Where are we going?
19:48Oh, surprise, surprise.
19:52Oops.
19:59We're going to Steve's.
20:01Well, er, you are.
20:03You know, I thought I'd just pop in, have a quick drink
20:05and persuade him to fund the trip to Birmingham.
20:09Are you serious?
20:11Malky, darling.
20:12What do you mean, persuade?
20:14You know, persuade.
20:16Obviously, within reason, you know.
20:18Look, I'd ask him myself, but he'd just say no.
20:20He's got a soft spot for you.
20:22All you've got to do is ask him.
20:24Are you pimping me?
20:26Oh, whoa.
20:27Pimping is, no, pimping is a very strong word.
20:29All I'm trying to do is secure a future for Malky.
20:33Take me home.
20:34Oh, come on, Janet.
20:36Take me home!
20:40Well, he wasn't actually pimping me.
20:44He was trying his best, I suppose.
20:46And we'll laugh at that at some stage.
20:50Just maybe not in this lifetime.
20:55OK, I know today is only a friendly game, huh?
20:59I know that Stenbrook Rangers have not won a game this season yet.
21:04But do not underestimate them,
21:06for even a blind hen will occasionally peck a seed.
21:12Will occasionally peck a seed.
21:17Well, at least he's moved on from fish.
21:19Now, OK, is lunch ready?
21:21Almost there.
21:23This is most encouraging.
21:25Terry doing something useful.
21:27Oh, he's a good man, our Terry.
21:30Ready, everyone?
21:31Yes!
21:32Whoa!
21:33Get out of the way.
21:34Yes!
21:35Bonjour, Ranjeet. It's, er, culture, whatever you have.
21:39Enjoying that, Ranjeet?
21:44Ranjeet?
21:45Ranjeet, come on, are you OK? Is it over yet?
21:48No, it's still coming!
21:50I didn't know Ranjeet got nervous.
21:52No, Mr Mercier, he's never nervous.
21:55This is, er...
21:56This is...
21:57This is food poisoning, I think.
21:59Well, there you go.
22:00This is what happens when you have a kid to the cooking.
22:02Malky must never cook again.
22:03OK, OK, my kid gets tripped, we're starting with you.
22:06Come on.
22:07Ranjeet, don't move, I am coming with some help.
22:12I'm not saying that Terry had anything to do with this,
22:15but there are tests that can be done.
22:19There are blood tests.
22:21No, no, I don't think you can test for laxatives.
22:24I mean, if that's what he's looking for, I don't know.
22:28I'm just saying, for instance, laxatives, you can't.
22:31I don't think you can.
22:33Pretty sure.
22:37Go on, go on.
22:47Take the feet, dive into the open feet, go on.
22:50Swim, swim along.
23:02Come on, Ranjeet, come on.
23:04Come on, Mark, come on.
23:07Don't pay for it.
23:10You're going the wrong way.
23:24OK, don't strain yourself, Ranjeet, you'll follow through.
23:28You're a genius, you're a genius.
23:30Look, they're swimming.
23:31Be free, free, you see.
23:34Oh, nice one, Ali, nice one.
23:37Any more of that and I'll book you.
23:39Don't worry, Ali.
23:41I didn't even push him.
23:42You pushed him.
23:43He died.
23:44You pushed him.
23:45You knew him next time.
23:52Action, action, action.
24:03Well done, guys.
24:10Hey, Terry, 4, 5, 1, the system worked well, eh?
24:14Yeah, no, Malky McConnell worked well.
24:16Your system's shite.
24:18Well done, lads.
24:19Where's Malky?
24:22Vincent, get in here.
24:24It looks like you're toting for business.
24:27Bad idea.
24:28Something to cheer you up.
24:30New strips have arrived.
24:33Ta-da!
24:34Is that it?
24:35I can barely read it from here, never mind the side of the page.
24:38No-one's going to know it's the funeral directors.
24:45What am I looking at?
24:46It's a coffin.
24:48Oh, this is very disappointing.
24:50We have to be careful, strike a balance.
24:53Some people are uncomfortable with undertaking business.
24:57You know, it's not, I suppose, it's not sexy.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:11So, has anyone managed to find a way to raise the money for Birmingham?
25:21Or any money?
25:24Well, in that case, we have no option but to withdraw from tournament.
25:29I'm sorry.
25:31It's over. Bango's our weekend.
25:34Hang on a minute, love.
25:39Listen, everybody.
25:45Tom Blackley's life is over.
25:53Go on, Daddy.
25:55But our kids' lives are just beginning.
26:00Are we to shatter their hopes?
26:02Because I'll tell you this, Tom Blackley wouldn't.
26:06If Tom Blackley thought his beloved Ashes weren't going to Birmingham,
26:10he'd be turning in his hospital bed.
26:14He wants that team there, and he wants the parents there.
26:17Three nights. For three nights.
26:19And I'll tell you this, if Tom Blackley could speak to us now,
26:22he can't, he's wired up to machines and gubbins and he's got a bag with...
26:26If he could speak to us now, he would say to us,
26:29-"Take my money." Yeah? -"Yeah."
26:31Forget about my severe personal problems.
26:33You go to Birmingham and you bring me back that cup,
26:36because that is the only thing that will return the sensation
26:39to the left-hand side of my body!
26:48All hands in favour.
26:50That's my money, lovely!
26:52So, you see, we need the money we raised for the sake of the team, Tom,
26:56otherwise we wouldn't ask.
26:58Just... just say if you're not happy.
27:10HE MUMBLES
27:22Well, that's very generous of you, Tom. Thank you.
27:25Thanks, Tom. You're a good man.
27:28Don't forget to finish all the changes.
27:32There you go. All right?
27:36Don't you worry.
27:38We'll bring the cup back for you, Tom, won't we?
27:44Come on, let's go inside.
27:52I almost forgot. I got you this.
27:55Still got one good arm, ain't you?
27:57HE MUMBLES
27:59You dare thank me? You've earned that.
28:02Enjoy yourself.
28:22THE END