Rising Damp - 102 [couchtripper][U]

  • 2 months ago

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:30Oh, Rigsby, do you have to creep up behind me like that?
00:53Oh, but you never get tired of looking at yourself, do you?
00:55You wear that mirror out the way you're going on.
00:56I was just running a comb through it.
00:58You were trying to make your eyebrow go up and down again, weren't you?
01:00No, I wasn't.
01:01Yes, you were, I can tell.
01:02You look as if you're having a fit.
01:03You don't get a woman that way, you know.
01:05As a matter of fact, this detached, cynical expression pulls the birds.
01:08I get quite a few looks.
01:09Yeah, I'm not surprised.
01:10You're probably waiting for someone to throw a net over you.
01:14Well, there's nothing wrong with having an expressive face, Rigsby.
01:17It shows character.
01:18Cobblers.
01:19All right, all right.
01:20How do you suggest I express my...
01:23Why don't you go out and get yourself tattooed?
01:24That's what we used to do.
01:25Tattooed?
01:26Yes.
01:28Is that your idea of expressing yourself?
01:29I suppose I'd look better with a dancing girl all over me chest.
01:32It's the only way you'll ever get one, then.
01:33Not anymore.
01:34I've decided to change my image.
01:35Oh, well, I'm very glad to hear it.
01:36Hey, is this new image going to clean the bath out after him?
01:37I've been neglecting myself long enough.
01:38You can let yourself go without noticing it.
01:39Hey, hey.
01:40This new image wouldn't have anything to do with our friend here, would it?
01:41No, why should it?
01:42Because that's his jacket you're wearing.
01:43Oh, well, I just thought I'd try it on.
01:44Yes.
01:45Hey, that's not the only thing you're trying on as well.
01:46What do you mean?
01:47Well, I understand you've been telling people
01:48that you're going to get yourself tattooed,
01:49Ah, well, as a matter of fact, Whispy, we feel that it's...
01:50Oh, we feel.
01:51Oh, we, we.
01:52It's only been here five minutes and it's we feel.
01:53Yes, I knew we'd cause trouble.
01:54It's not causing trouble.
01:55It's just that Philip feels
01:56that it's a bit overcrowded up here.
01:57Overcrowded?
01:58He's never known luxury like it.
01:59I told you, he's never had a pair of shoes
02:00until he came here.
02:01Oh, you're kidding.
02:02You're kidding.
02:03You're kidding.
02:04You're kidding.
02:05You're kidding.
02:06You're kidding.
02:07You're kidding.
02:08You're kidding.
02:09You're kidding.
02:10You're kidding.
02:11You're kidding.
02:12You're kidding.
02:13You're kidding.
02:14You're kidding.
02:15You're kidding.
02:19Look, he's, he's...
02:20They're pinching his feet, you can tell.
02:21He has them off as soon as he can.
02:22They've got to feel the ground under the toes.
02:23He's the son of a chief.
02:24Those shoes he wears are amazing.
02:25All right, so he's a son of a chief.
02:26All that means is his mud hut's a bit bigger
02:27than all the other mud huts.
02:28Anyway, I wouldn't get too attached to him
02:29if I were you.
02:30Who said I was attached to him?
02:31I know, since you haven't gone home this weekend.
02:32Ah, well, you know what it's like at my parents' place.
02:33Saturday night's either rug making
02:34or insulating the roof.
02:35Well, at least Philip's interesting.
02:36Interesting?
02:37What's interesting about him?
02:38Well, he's the son of a chief.
02:40Yes, we know, we know.
02:41He's got ten wives.
02:46Ten wives?
02:48Naughty hell.
02:52Of course, marriage doesn't mean the same to them, does it?
02:53They get married whenever there's a hurricane.
03:00You don't get married, Geoffrey.
03:01You get married, you get married.
03:02You get married, you get married.
03:06You get married, you get married, you get married.
03:07You get married, you get married.
03:08If they think God's angry with them, I'm going to keep a close eye on him.
03:13He's already making a nuisance with Miss Jones, flashing his teeth at her.
03:17You're jealous, are you? Of course I'm not. She wouldn't give him a second look.
03:21A white woman might have a lot of status. We don't know how many bags of salt she might be worth.
03:26You watch your tongue. I can see her now, going down to the river.
03:29A few ooks round her neck, a pile of washing on her head.
03:32I knew you wouldn't understand. As if she'd get involved with anybody like him.
03:39Philip!
03:41You promised to come down last night. What happened?
03:44I couldn't. Rigsby was painting your door. I know, that was the fifth coat.
03:48I think he suspects. He even paints the doorknob.
03:51You see, we must be careful. There's only one answer. I must come to you.
03:55No. I mean, what about Alan? He always goes home on Fridays.
03:59I know. I'll bring a nice bottle of wine and we can have one of our long talks.
04:04No. I mean, what about? About us, Philip. We've got to see if we can make it work.
04:08Make what work?
04:10Black on white, Philip.
04:13Don't do that. Do what?
04:16Roll your eyes like that. It's not nice. You did that last night.
04:19Good heavens, anyone would think you were bored.
04:22If only Daddy could see me now. He must be rotating in his grave.
04:26Why? He wanted to keep Britain white.
04:29Perhaps.
04:31Perhaps we should respect his memory. Oh, Philip.
04:34No, we must live our own lives. We must defy conventions.
04:37Jones, I just... I must go, Ruth.
04:44Do you mind if I just check your paintwork while I'm here, Miss Jones?
04:47I thought it might need another coat.
04:49It's had five already, Mr Rigsby.
04:52I say no, Miss Jones, but it's groaning for it.
04:55Must you do it at midnight?
04:58Must you do it at midnight?
05:00It's the best time. There's nobody knocking about then.
05:03At least there shouldn't be.
05:05I thought you went home at the weekend.
05:08Oh, no, not every weekend.
05:10You don't mind, do you? No, not at all.
05:17Rigsby's going to paint Ruth's door.
05:19Not again. He says it's groaning for it.
05:22It's not the door that's groaning for it.
05:25It's getting worse. It's worse than being in college.
05:28We won't be able to do any entertaining. Women?
05:31Yeah. You're not against them, are you?
05:34Not against them often enough.
05:39I'm quite handsome in that respect.
05:41I thought you might be. Why?
05:43Pardon? Why do you think that?
05:46I didn't think you'd have my inhibitions.
05:49I've got inhibitions you haven't even heard of.
05:53Um...
05:55They say you've got ten wives. Yes.
05:59Ten wives.
06:01Don't you find ten a bit intimidating?
06:04No. It's like driving in traffic.
06:06You only see the one in front.
06:15Are you circumcised?
06:18No, I was only asking.
06:20Are you? Yes.
06:23I am. Rotten, isn't it?
06:25You should have it done when you're 13.
06:27In the bush, with a blunt knife.
06:29Is it painful? It does make your eyes water a little.
06:33I suppose it's a custom, is it?
06:35Oh, they're mad about it in my country.
06:37They even do the girls.
06:39I like it. How do they do that?
06:41I don't know. I don't stare quite as hard as you do.
06:45Oh, sorry.
06:48I could do with a little more privacy around here.
06:51You're all right. Nobody ever comes up here.
06:53Mind your backs.
06:54Didn't you have a knock?
06:56We don't need keys here. At least we didn't.
06:59Besides, I've got...
07:01I've got no access.
07:02We can't even lock the bathroom door.
07:04We have to wedge a chair against it.
07:06If you're in there, keep whistling.
07:08We can't whistle all the time.
07:10Someone's going to sink your boats.
07:12We have a right to some privacy.
07:14You're used to better things.
07:16That wouldn't be difficult.
07:18There's something I don't understand about you, Sunshine.
07:21If you're the son of a chief, why are you called Smith?
07:23That's not my real name.
07:25Of course it isn't.
07:26What's your real name?
07:27I can't tell you that.
07:29My real name is known only to the elders.
07:31You see, my people believe that if a man has your name,
07:34that he can harm you,
07:35that he can take your name and work evil with it.
07:37Yeah, we've got people like that in this country.
07:39We call them the police.
07:41We don't understand. Phillip's name's Taboo.
07:44Why can't he say so? He's so secretive about it.
07:46I think he's just trying to get away from those ten wives, eh?
07:49Ten wives? I've never heard anything like it.
07:52Why shouldn't I have ten wives?
07:54I'm not poor, I'm not sick.
07:56I think it's indecent.
07:57I'm surprised the missionaries didn't put a stop to it.
07:59Missionaries? You don't need missionaries.
08:01Why not?
08:02Because I happen to be a god, that's why not.
08:07You what?
08:08He's joking.
08:09You ask my people. They don't think it's a joke.
08:13I don't know what you can say.
08:15He's got the nerve to say that.
08:16It's a wonder he doesn't strike you down dead.
08:18I suppose it's some kind of primitive belief, is it?
08:20No, it isn't.
08:21It's simply that my people believe that I've inherited
08:23certain supernatural powers from our ancestors.
08:26Oh, yes, well, you're not dealing with ignorant savages now, mate.
08:28You're dealing with educated white men.
08:30And I can prove you're not a god.
08:32Do a miracle.
08:33What?
08:34Go on, do a miracle.
08:36If you've got magic powers,
08:37what are those dirty pots doing in the sink?
08:39Should have thought you'd have had those washed and stacked.
08:41Come on, Mary Poppins, what are you hanging about for?
08:43My powers relate mainly to the forests and the hunting of animals.
08:46Yes, I bet they do. That's very convenient, isn't it?
08:48I have to be careful. It's quite a responsibility.
08:51Sometimes I only have to look at a person
08:53and something unpleasant happens,
08:55especially when they've annoyed me.
08:56The result can be quite horrible.
08:58What do you mean, horrible?
09:00Well, we don't want you turning into a frog, do we, Rigby?
09:05You don't think I believe all that.
09:07You don't frighten me, mate.
09:10Go on then, why don't you turn me into a frog?
09:12Give me the evil eye, strike me down.
09:15What's that?
09:16Send 25 to Macclesfield.
09:20You see, you can't do anything
09:21because you're dealing with 20th century man-made,
09:23not some relic from the Stone Age.
09:25All right, I'll work a miracle.
09:28You what?
09:29What's all this then?
09:31Oh, he's got that out.
09:34Ooh.
09:37This spear belonged to my ancestors.
09:40It has considerable power.
09:42What are you going to do, Philip?
09:44I'm going to make something appear,
09:46but you must be very still.
09:48Aye.
10:03What's supposed to happen?
10:04Nothing.
10:05Shh.
10:08Nothing's going to happen, I tell you.
10:13Ah!
10:15Oh, dear, I seem to have come to the wrong room.
10:17I'm terribly sorry.
10:19It must be all those little red tablets I'm taking.
10:21Excuse me.
10:30Is it raining?
10:32I don't think so.
10:34Do you like England, Philip?
10:36It's all right.
10:37What do you like best?
10:41I think they are telephone boxes.
10:44They're rather nice.
10:47Is that all?
10:48I like the swimming pools.
10:49I suppose that's because they're not crocodiles.
10:54Don't you have many crocodiles in your country, then?
10:56Well, there's more water than land in my country
10:58and more crocodiles than people.
11:00Do they attack you?
11:01Of course they attack you.
11:03What do you think they do?
11:04Swim up and give you a big kiss?
11:07What do you do?
11:08You wrestle with them.
11:12Can you smell paint?
11:17Hang on.
11:21Hello.
11:22We're painting the door, are we?
11:23Yes, just giving it a quick go.
11:26Oh, it's here, yes.
11:31OK.
11:33You two never stop reading, do you?
11:35We've got exams.
11:37Yeah, we use our brains too much, you know.
11:39No danger of that from you, Rigsby.
11:41Oh, yes, there's nothing wrong with my brain, mate.
11:44I passed the scholarship.
11:46I didn't know that.
11:48Never went, of course.
11:51My very poor family, Mar and Vara, was against me.
11:54Never stood a chance at the interview.
11:56Not in gumboots.
11:58What's wrong with gumboots?
11:59Nothing.
12:00When it's raining, in the middle of a heatwave, they look rather ridiculous.
12:03See, very poor, couldn't afford shoes.
12:05Wearing gumboots right through the year, it branded you.
12:08Especially around the back of the leg.
12:11Yes, and children can be very cruel, you know.
12:12They used to pour water in them.
12:14I spent most of the day squirging around the classroom.
12:17No, I never stood a chance.
12:18Yes, they gave my place to a kid named Porter.
12:20Yeah, his parents had money.
12:22They took him up in an aeroplane to cure his whooping cough.
12:26All I got was a walk around the gasworks.
12:29Ah, I see he's soaking up the white man's knowledge, eh?
12:32Yes.
12:33They're always criticising us, but they know where to come for a decent education, eh?
12:36Cradle of civilisation, this country.
12:39And what part of our rich island heritage are you taking back?
12:42I'm specialising in town and country planning.
12:44Oh, I know.
12:45Oh?
12:46Oh, yes.
12:47I bet there's a real demand for that in the jungle.
12:51Yeah.
12:52One thing to cry now for is a regular dustbin collection.
12:55Do you know what I plan to do with the jungle, Rigsby?
12:57Yeah, what?
12:58I'm going to tarmac it.
13:00Tarmac it?
13:01Well, the worst part is, what do you think?
13:03Yeah, well, I suppose it's an idea, yes.
13:05A masterstroke. Picture it.
13:07Where there was once only the mosquito,
13:09there'll be trees growing out of black, velvet, tarmac.
13:14Yeah, yeah, I see.
13:16There'll be fluorescent streetlights,
13:18white lines,
13:19bus shelters,
13:20litter baskets,
13:22car parks.
13:23Can you see it, Rigsby?
13:24Yes, it should look very nice.
13:27And, of course,
13:28zebra crossings.
13:33How very funny.
13:35What were you saying?
13:37You're very clever.
13:38You don't think I believe all that stuff last night,
13:39all that magic and supernatural powers of being a god,
13:42just because Miss Jones accidentally,
13:45in a fit of absent-mindedness,
13:47came into this room, which was pure coincidence.
13:49Is that why you painted the door?
13:50Can't you see?
13:51He's too interested to capitalise on it.
13:53Look, I'm not superstitious, mate.
13:55I defied you last night.
13:56I defy you now.
13:57Go on, go on.
13:58Why don't you turn me into a frog?
13:59Turn me into a horrible monster.
14:00Frog would be easier.
14:01Shut up.
14:03Come on, come on.
14:04You can't, can you?
14:05No, because it's all in the mind.
14:22You going out?
14:23Yes.
14:25I thought I might go out tonight.
14:27There's a good film on at the plaza.
14:29I had to get the clothes off in the first ten minutes.
14:33I don't suppose you thought of going yourself?
14:35No.
14:37Maybe we could go to the flea pit.
14:38They're showing Zulu again.
14:42Shut up.
14:43Have you got any ideas?
14:44I've got a date.
14:46Oh.
14:48If you're on your own...
14:50No, no, no.
14:51I could always go and see one of my birds.
14:54Trouble is, I usually go home at the weekends.
14:57Why don't you take Ruth to the pictures?
14:59Ruth?
15:01She wouldn't like clothes off in the first ten minutes.
15:04Besides, she won't come.
15:05Why don't you ask her?
15:07I think she likes you.
15:08Does she?
15:10Nah, she's older than me.
15:11But more experienced.
15:12What, Miss Jones?
15:14She's so reserved.
15:15You'd be surprised.
15:20We have a flower in my country.
15:23It's very remote, very inaccessible.
15:26You have to climb the mountain to see it.
15:28It only flowers once every ten years.
15:31But when it does...
15:38It's good as that.
15:39All I can say is, it's well worth the climb.
15:54Hello, darling.
15:57By God, you've got a captivating smile.
16:01Could I have the pleasure of the next dance?
16:03Oh, thank you.
16:10Come here, Lachlan.
16:12I can recommend a food.
16:16We've got the best smoked salmon in London.
16:19Oh, he's slimming.
16:20Oh, he's slimming.
16:24Better be careful, you know. He can go too far.
16:27Oh, he liked the jacket.
16:28He's got it in the King's Row.
16:29Simply had to have it.
16:31Rigsby.
16:32You morbid sod.
16:36They'd be taking you away if you go on like this.
16:38I think it's about time I wrote to your father.
16:40Time you got back to the rug making.
16:43Hey, where's Merlin?
16:44Left you on your own, is he?
16:46As a matter of fact, he's got a date.
16:47A date?
16:48Well, he's not bringing her back here.
16:49Not to get Miss Jones tormented by creaking bed springs.
16:52Very noisy, those beds, you know.
16:53You can hear them all over the house.
16:55Even when the trains are passing.
16:57Well, it's not like that.
16:58Look, you think he's marvellous, don't you?
17:00I think he's interesting.
17:01Yeah, interesting.
17:02Look, listen, mate, look.
17:04Ah, he went right through the desert, through Italy.
17:06That's interesting.
17:08I could tell you tales that make your hair stand on end.
17:11Look, you didn't believe all that stuff last night, did you?
17:13About superstition and magic powers.
17:15Well, didn't you?
17:16I wasn't taking it for a minute.
17:17He said he'd make something appear.
17:19Not Miss Jones.
17:20That was just pure coincidence.
17:21Getting Miss Jones appear in a nightie was more than a coincidence.
17:23It was a miracle.
17:25You're supposed to be a medical man.
17:27You believe anything.
17:28Look, speaking as a medical man,
17:30I know that there are a lot of things that we don't know anything about.
17:32I see miracles in the wards every day.
17:34We know so little.
17:35You're telling me.
17:37Remember that bloke who collapsed in the basement?
17:39You examine him, pronounce life extinct.
17:41Three hours later, he starts snoring.
17:43We all make mistakes.
17:44Including your mother.
17:49Come on.
18:20PHILLIP KNOCKS ON DOOR
18:23Phillip.
18:24At last.
18:27I'm afraid, but nobody cared.
18:30Oh!
18:31What do you think you're doing?
18:32Did Phillip put you up to this?
18:34No, I...
18:35Well, where is he?
18:36He's gone out.
18:37Oh, he's so inconsiderate sometimes.
18:40You wouldn't believe we're almost engaged, would you?
18:44Oh, we're trying to keep it quiet, actually.
18:46You know what people are like.
18:48I don't know what Daddy would think.
18:50Haven't you told him?
18:51No, I can't. He's no longer with us.
18:53Has he moved?
18:55No, he's dead.
18:57He died three years ago on Guy Fawkes Night.
19:00He had a heart attack in the street.
19:02People kept stepping over him.
19:04They thought he was a guy.
19:07Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't...
19:08Oh, no, don't worry.
19:09I'm sure he'd have seen the funny side of it, too.
19:12He had a marvellous sense of humour.
19:15I must say, I'm surprised Phillip hasn't said anything to you.
19:18But then you don't really know him.
19:20He can say such wonderful things.
19:22I'll never forget that night.
19:24He said,
19:26I was a pool without water.
19:33And he said I had the skin of fruit and beautiful milk.
19:37Well, that's very basic, isn't it?
19:39Well, I think the bit about the milk's basic, yeah.
19:41Yes, I knew you'd understand.
19:43I can't stop chattering here all night.
19:45Good night, Alan.
19:46Good night, Miss Jones.
19:47Good night, Mr Inspector.
19:48Good night, Miss Jones. Nice to see you.
19:56What was she doing up here?
19:58Just brought something up.
19:59Oh.
20:00Brought something up.
20:01Was it the butter?
20:02Yeah.
20:03You liar.
20:04I knew you were up to something.
20:05That's why you wanted to stay here this weekend, isn't it?
20:07What do you mean?
20:08You've been planning this all along.
20:09You students are all the same.
20:10Sex man.
20:11How do you know she came to see me?
20:12What do you mean?
20:13Well, I'm not the only one who lives here, am I?
20:15What? You...
20:17Oh, so it's slander now, is it?
20:19As if she'd get herself involved with anybody like that.
20:21She's a woman of refinement, mate.
20:23Have you seen that woman's washing?
20:24She still wears Harvest Festivals.
20:26All is safely gathered in.
20:29Try and cast any aspersions at her, mate.
20:31A good man will fill you in.
20:33Now, stand back, Rigsby.
20:34Stand back. Do you know what's in this bottle?
20:35What?
20:36Microorganisms.
20:37Millions of them.
20:38Enough to wipe out a whole city.
20:39I only have to remove the stopper.
20:40I don't believe you.
20:41Millions of them, Rigsby.
20:42And not one of them overlapping.
20:43Well, I can't see anything.
20:44Hey, what? You won't see anything.
20:46They're there just the same.
20:47They'll come slopping out at you.
20:48Now, look...
20:49All I have to do is remove the stopper.
20:50No.
20:51In ten minutes, you'll be foaming at the mouth.
20:52Twenty minutes, you'll be praying for death.
20:53Don't you come near me with that thing, then.
20:54Here.
20:55Oh, God!
20:56Oh, no!
20:57Oh, God!
21:06Salad cream!
21:07I might have known you!
21:08Get out of it, you.
21:11Hey, mumbo-jumbo.
21:41We poor things.
21:42We poor things.
21:43We poor things.
21:44We poor things.
21:45Please, give them to you, sir.
22:02No, look it's wet!
22:03Take it off!
22:04Get us out of here!
22:05Get you out!
22:06Get away!
22:07Let go!
22:08Let's take them off right now!
22:09Let go!
22:10APPLAUSE
22:40.