First broadcast 23rd February 2010.
Compilation of the best bits from this and the previous series of Newswipe.
Compilation of the best bits from this and the previous series of Newswipe.
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TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching a special compilation episode of Newswipe,
00:28which starts with a brisk and dare I say it amusing look at how the job of TV news journalists
00:33has grown more sophisticated over the years.
00:36Early news reports were painstakingly constructed using cumbersome equipment, which meant the
00:40resulting films themselves were often quotidian, murky, shoddily framed snooze-fests about
00:45brown rivers and closing factories.
00:48As technology improved, news reports became snazzier, more mobile, more visually playful.
00:52Before long, a standard news report visual language established itself, one that's immediately
00:57recognisable to anyone.
00:59Me has this report.
01:01It starts here with a lacklustre establishing shot of a significant location.
01:07Next a walkie-talkie preamble from the auteur pacing steadily towards the lens, punctuating
01:12every other sentence with a hand gesture and ignoring all the pricks milling around him
01:16like he's gliding through the fucking matrix, before coming to a halt and posing a question.
01:21What comes next?
01:23Then something like this, a filler shot designed to give your eyes something to look at while
01:27my voice babbles on about facts.
01:29Sometimes it'll slow down to a halt, turn monochrome, and some of those facts will appear
01:33one by one on the screen.
01:35This is followed by the obligatory shots of overweight people with their faces subtly
01:39framed out, after which the report is padded out with a selection of lazy and pointless
01:43vox pops.
01:44I usually get some inane chatter from people.
01:45I think they do have too much.
01:46I think what we want to hear is actually what's happening and not what other people think
01:53I hate these silent sound bites.
01:57I don't want some punter's opinion, usually.
02:01No.
02:02Another bit of dull visual abstraction to plug another gap now, before the report segues
02:05gracefully into a bit of human interest courtesy of some dowdy man opening letters in a kitchen
02:09and explaining how he's been affected by the issue.
02:12When I'm watching the news, I don't really, you know, there's a person talking to me,
02:16telling me what's going on, and I don't really listen to what they're saying.
02:19It's just news.
02:21It's just news.
02:22He, unfortunately, was boring, so to wake you up, this is an animated chart.
02:26This is a silhouette representing the average family, and this is a lighthouse keeper being
02:29beheaded by a laser beam.
02:31As we near the end of the report, illustrative shots of pedestrians and signs and a pipe
02:36at a window.
02:37And then the final summary, ending on a whimsical shot of something nearby, accompanied by a
02:42wry sign-off.
02:43If you're lucky, a bit of wordplay fit for a king, or in other words, a regent's treat.
02:48Charlie Brooker, Newswipe, London.
02:51Snow is a substance that falls from the sky on occasion.
02:54Here's how the news covered it this year.
02:57Temperatures across the land plunged to Hollyoaks IQ level, and Nick Griffin's dream of an all-white
03:02Britain was finally realised.
03:04The rolling networks covered it in much the same way they'd cover an alien invasion.
03:08They rapidly dispatched journalists to all 18 corners of the nation, where they stood
03:12around looking cold and uncomfortable, a bit like hungry homeless people forlornly staring
03:16through the window of an upmarket restaurant, a diner sitting indoors in the warmth.
03:21You could be forgiven for thinking that snow was a brand new, never-before-seen phenomenon.
03:25Sky helpfully explained where it came from, for the benefit of dimbo dumbos.
03:30To have snow, the layers of the atmosphere below cloud level must be cold enough to keep
03:35the flakes from melting.
03:37We were also shown that snow is a cold, white, watery powder, which can, in large quantities,
03:41render roads impassable and make pavements more slippery than usual.
03:45Mainly though, we learned that snow is a disloyal, deceitful substance responsible for causing
03:49conditions that can only be described as treacherous.
03:53Treacherous conditions on the roads, as even tractors battle with the ice.
03:57The few cars that did brave it, the going was treacherous.
04:00Minor roads continue to be treacherous.
04:02Treacherous ice.
04:03Meanwhile, back in the kingdom of Narnia, the state of Britain's slippery pavements
04:07was providing bulletins with plenty of tittersome, you've-been-framed style slapstick.
04:11This spot in Bristol claimed two victims in very quick succession.
04:16All they had to do was pop a camera next to an icy bit of pavement, hit record, sit
04:20back and let the hilarity commence.
04:23It's still dangerous for Dublin pedestrians.
04:25He's probably in hospital now.
04:30Slippery pavements were a huge concern for many journalists as they pandered to some
04:34of the moaniest people in Britain.
04:36The pavement should be gritted like the roads.
04:39People leave their cars at home because they can't get off their drives and so forth and
04:42so on.
04:43It must be gritted like the roads.
04:46Last year, during a cold snap, the news largely contended itself with showing viewers snowy
04:49shenanigans.
04:50There was still plenty of that this time and very charming it was too, but overall the
04:55emphasis was firmly on the negative.
04:58More schools are out.
04:59Now the snow puts A-levels and GCSE exams at risk.
05:03Record demand for gas and electricity strains supplies and pushes up prices.
05:08We explore how much the appalling weather will cost you.
05:11Yes, to the miserable newsmongers, the snowfall was little more than a collection of new things
05:15to worry about.
05:17They worried whether shopkeepers would run out of bread and pastries.
05:19Last packet of croissants.
05:20Just got a few bits of normal Kingsman stuff.
05:25They worried whether their viewers knew how to defrost a frozen pipe.
05:28Basically, once you locate the pipe, just turn the hairdryer on.
05:32They even worried whether baboons could comprehend what was happening.
05:36It's a shame we can't talk to the animals and tell them what all this cold white stuff
05:41is.
05:42No.
05:43No it isn't.
05:44They worried about the supply of grit.
05:46We're in big problems with grit.
05:48They were obsessed with the notion we might run out of grit, thereby killing everyone
05:51in Britain.
05:52The news went live to every variety of gritting depot you could imagine.
05:55There were boring gritting depots, dull gritting depots, tedious gritting depots, underwhelming
06:01gritting depots, undermanned gritting depots, manned gritting depots, indoor gritting depots,
06:07outdoor gritting depots, murky gritting depots, sexy gritting depots.
06:12Everywhere you looked, the news was taking it up the gritter.
06:14No wonder they lost all sense of perspective.
06:16With more snow and ice forecast, is Britain sliding toward chaos?
06:20While the reporters stood around looking miserable, concerned and serious, real people were having
06:25a laugh.
06:26They were frolicking, tumbling, sledging and arsing around in the background, precisely
06:30the sort of frivolity Alastair Stewart has no time for.
06:32The bad weather has indeed brought great acts of humanity, but as we just saw, it's also
06:36been an excuse for spectacular stupidity.
06:39With its doomy mantra of treacherous conditions, chaotic roads, perilous pavements, arctic
06:44winds and plummeting mercury, the news did its melodramatic best to turn the winter wonderland
06:48into a story of death from the skies.
06:51It was a tale of woe, peril and treachery the general public just weren't buying.
06:55What about this travel chaos, the misery across Britain, snowbound Britain?
07:00Doesn't matter, does it?
07:02The beginning of 2010 was dominated by the tragic earthquake in Haiti.
07:06We took a look at how the news covered it.
07:09Recently, the news has been filled with scenes of unimaginable horror and unbearable suffering.
07:14On the whole, the reporters themselves have been remarkably stoic in the face of events
07:17that would traumatise anyone.
07:19Some actively stepped in, leading to astonishing scenes like this, in which CNN health correspondent
07:24and neurosurgeon Sanjay Gupta cared for an injured baby in the street.
07:29Modern news always needs to fashion events into a compelling narrative and the Haiti
07:33story was no different.
07:34Once it had shown us distressing scenes of overrun hospitals and rubble for several nights,
07:39it needed a fresh angle.
07:40And so began the search for signs of conflict.
07:42Obviously, a massive aid effort organised at short notice in a country whose infrastructure
07:47has been destroyed is going to be a logistical nightmare and there was much coverage criticising
07:51the slow distribution of aid.
07:53But one of the things holding up the aid was the fear of violence, which the news also
07:56seemed fascinated by.
07:58The moment footage of sporadic but inevitable scuffles arrived, it was seized on as evidence
08:02that the whole of Haiti was about to descend into barbarism.
08:06With aid struggling to get through, the country is spiralling out of control.
08:10Haiti now is not just a tinderbox of simmering desperation and anxiety.
08:16It's possibly just one step from something very ugly indeed.
08:20At times the news seemed to frame the threat of violence not as a possibility in any society
08:24that's hit by massive disaster, but as something unique to Haiti itself.
08:29There's this ugly undercurrent, sadly, within Haitian history, which has the ability to
08:35return, it has the ability to quite literally fight for survival, hence you're seeing not
08:40just doctors and aid workers on the streets, but riot police too.
08:44The ugly undercurrent in Haitian history presumably distinguishes it from Britain, a nation whose
08:49own history consists of millennia of uninterrupted peace.
08:52Still, whatever, here's some angry foreigners.
08:55I don't need that mother****** Spanish guy right here now, that's Haiti now.
09:00We don't want that mother****** Spanish right here.
09:03What he says is hard to understand.
09:05It almost doesn't matter.
09:07If you say so.
09:09Sky occasionally seemed curiously disapproving of people forced to scavenge for anything they
09:13could find.
09:14They scramble over an assault course of destruction to get at anything they can.
09:19Watch this.
09:22And this.
09:24Perhaps the US military should.
09:26They don't seem to think there's a problem.
09:28Yeah, well, maybe they've got a clearer idea of the bigger picture than you have.
09:32Just a thought.
09:33In fairness, dislocation could be a factor here.
09:36The reporter wasn't in Haiti, but in Britain, revoicing images seen on a monitor.
09:40Images are always open to interpretation.
09:42Take this shot from another Sky News report.
09:45These people aren't even vainly hoping for food.
09:48They're fighting over cardboard boxes to use as shelter.
09:53Are they fighting or are they throwing the boxes to try and break and flatten them to
09:59use as shelter and sunscreens, as we saw them doing in other reports.
10:03Check out the guy in the green T-shirt and his mate in the stripy blue top.
10:07They're clearly having a laugh, batting these boxes around.
10:10Surely that's the very definition of being good-natured in a crisis.
10:13Sky weren't the only ones to focus on the violence.
10:16On the BBC's News at Ten, George Alagiah stood live in the street to say...
10:20There have been increasing signs of tension and anger on the streets here,
10:24but I think to call it all criminality or looting,
10:26I think that would be an exaggeration.
10:28But apparently reporter Matt Fry hadn't got that memo.
10:31Looting is now the only industry here, and this is the new rush hour of Port-au-Prince.
10:36Anything will do as a weapon, a hacksaw, a stick,
10:40and of course all the machetes and guns that you can't see.
10:43It's just a foretaste of things to come.
10:46The occasionally feverish tone of some of the coverage
10:49angered DJ and world music guru Andy Kershaw so much
10:53that he wrote a furious article for the independent newspaper about it,
10:57accusing the media of treating the Haitians like savages.
11:00Perhaps surprisingly, some of the most measured comments
11:03about the use of violent footage came from Fox News.
11:06We've seen video of sporadic violence,
11:09but the camera can sometimes enlighten us and it can sometimes distort the truth.
11:13Yes, there are these isolated incidents of violence,
11:16and the cameras tend to gravitate towards those
11:19and highlight them, magnify them because of that.
11:21The people of Haiti really are dealing with this with an admirable dignity and sense of calm.
11:26Just to be clear, the vast majority of BBC ITN
11:29and Sky's coverage of the disaster has been exemplary.
11:32They also undoubtedly helped raise a lot of money
11:35by repeatedly plugging the appeal details.
11:37Everywhere you looked, there was a message telling you to call deck.
11:40It was a bit like looking at post-it notes on Ant's fridge.
11:43Speaking of aid, in the wake of any major catastrophe,
11:46people ask why God didn't intervene.
11:48This time, however, Sky were there to capture the glitzy moment
11:51God himself turned up and announced he was going to do something about it.
11:54I don't know who's available, but I will get a record out within seven to ten days.
11:59ITN feverishly watched as Simon Cowell
12:01assembled a charity single after someone less powerful than himself.
12:04Some bloke called Gordon Brown, apparently, asked him to help out.
12:08We were told an impressive roster of top stars,
12:11including Jalouse and Lion Girl, would appear on the single,
12:14so Sky's Cade Burley seemed most excited at the prospect
12:17of one phallocentric performer sticking his oar in.
12:20It's nothing like a bit of rod, is there?
12:22The song picked was R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts,
12:24a soaring and soulful number about the possibility of hope,
12:27but a choice that caused heated debate on the set of Live From Studio 5.
12:32The song, it's quite deep, isn't it?
12:34It's a little bit sad.
12:36I thought it might have been more of an uplifting, inspirational kind of song.
12:39Something like Come All Eileen, yeah?
12:41By the time they put all the footage and that on it,
12:44it might as well make you cry, wouldn't it?
12:46Yeah, it probably will.
12:47I think it's a little bit too sad.
12:49How can it be too sad, though, for what's happened?
12:51But it's such a sad thing that's going on.
12:53I think perhaps people need something a little bit uplifting,
12:55a little bit inspiring to say, you know,
12:57we can get through this, we're going to help out and all come together,
13:00and instead I'm just like, God, it's just so depressing, really.
13:05God, it is depressing.
13:07Oh, wait, look, don't miss Joe Swash.
13:13While the children debated Simon's song choice,
13:15across the pond, even bigger stars than Joe Swash
13:17were gathering for a glittering live two-hour telethon.
13:20The line-up included literally every musician you could ever want to hear,
13:23and still, Hollywood did its bit too.
13:26Brad Pitt being down, looking like a man from the future.
13:30In fact, the cream of Movieland was there,
13:32manning the most star-studded call centre in history.
13:35There was Steven Spielberg off Jurassic Park, he was there.
13:38Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts.
13:40Even Taylor Swift off the VMA Awards.
13:43Hello, this is Taylor Swift.
13:44Oh, you're Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'm going to let you finish,
13:47but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!
13:51One of the dominating news themes of 2009 was the recession,
13:55which, as we all know, is now completely over.
13:58Sky News got plenty of mileage out of it,
14:00literally, when they sent one of their stars
14:02on an investigative bike ride around the UK.
14:05It looked like this.
14:10Finance and transport, and Sky News' Dermot Murnaghan
14:13traverses the south-west of England on a bike,
14:16seeking out tales of financial woe
14:18in a series of reports called, amazingly, The Economic Cycle.
14:22Apart from getting a sore arse,
14:24he found plenty of sorrowful and jobless real people to talk to
14:27in what was surely designed to be the most heart-tugging reportage of the year.
14:31Trouble is, he didn't always seem to find
14:33quite as much financial misery as he wanted.
14:35What happens, you know, if the sun doesn't shine,
14:38if it pours with rain, or the tourists just don't come
14:41because they haven't got the money?
14:43How much longer can you last?
14:45Well, I think we can last, I think people are realising
14:47that they're not going abroad, and I think they're realising
14:50that our country, and certainly Cornwall,
14:52is just such a stunning place.
14:54Next!
14:55Just talking to Ian out there, I mean,
14:57it's fingers crossed, isn't it, for this season?
14:59You don't know how it's going to pan out, do you, Sydney?
15:02It's looking good, though.
15:04Why do you say that?
15:06Bookings are up 50% this time last year,
15:09and we're having a lot more enquiries.
15:11Oh, God!
15:12How are you being treated by your banks?
15:14Are they saying, look, Tony, Julie, we understand times are hard,
15:18do you need a bit of extra cash here, or are they saying something different?
15:21I think it's haven't been too bad, I've not had a problem.
15:23Right, yeah, fascinating.
15:25Brilliant, great, great, brilliant.
15:27Oh, Jesus!
15:28How are things holding up in this economic downturn for you?
15:31It's not too bad, actually.
15:33It's looking good for the coming season.
15:35Right. Oh, this is bullshit!
15:37Why are you optimistic?
15:39Look, I don't want to underplay recession,
15:41but guys like you and the newspapers
15:44do love a lousy story about how we're going to hang the handcart.
15:48Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Fascinating.
15:50In many ways, what's happening, I think, is a really good thing.
15:53Whatever!
15:54You know, sometimes you see something on the news
15:56that makes you realise the crossover between current affairs
15:59and celebrities really has gone too far.
16:01I'm John. I'm Edward.
16:03And you're watching Sky News.
16:05For the latest, I'm John Edward.
16:07Stars are everywhere.
16:09They're invited to explain public health campaigns.
16:11You're here to tell us that pale is good.
16:13Pale is great. Yes.
16:15It's a good message to all of you.
16:16They're patiently asked their expert opinion on Gordon Brown's chances.
16:19I think he's dogged enough to try and stick it out.
16:23But if the momentum keeps on going the way that it does,
16:26he won't be able to survive.
16:28They even queue up to flog any old toot on the Andrew Marr show.
16:31From one Australian megastar to another.
16:33Rolf Harris. I'm going to be talking to Rolf in a moment.
16:36But first, a quick blast from Christmas In The Sun,
16:38his latest musical foray.
16:46Yeah, it's making current affairs look a bit shit, really.
16:49Celebrities, of course, get an easy time of it
16:51compared to politicians.
16:53Put Sky's well-respected Adam Bolton opposite a politician
16:56and he won't shy away from asking difficult questions.
16:59But stick a star on his island and tickety-tock,
17:01it's bum-kiss o'clock.
17:03Now Sir Anthony Hopkins is showcasing his own paintings
17:06at exhibitions in London and Edinburgh.
17:08Yes, it seems Sir Hannibal's done some painting,
17:11so marvellous even noted critic Adam Bolton struggles to describe them.
17:14They're sort of two sorts, it seems.
17:16They're realist landscapes
17:18and then they're the more sort of fantastical dreamscapes.
17:22To be fair, that is probably the ninth best painting
17:25of a purple elephant I've seen since primary school.
17:28I just follow my instinct. I paint in a childlike way.
17:31I don't have a sense of... I have no training in perspective.
17:36No.
17:37So I just paint as a...
17:39Rich man with time on his hands?
17:41Did it help you playing Picasso?
17:43Has that helped you as an artist?
17:45Yes.
17:46Jesus, Bolton's being so deferential,
17:48it's as though he's mistaken him for some kind of ancient forest god.
17:51Sir Anthony Hopkins, wolfman, Thor and artist.
17:53There, a lot to look forward to. Thank you very much indeed.
17:56Thank you very much. Thank you.
17:595 News is the logical extension of all this starry ring-licking.
18:03Often it's not like a news bulletin at all,
18:05more like watching a boy reading Heat magazine off on autocue.
18:08For our latest celebrity report,
18:10Louise Redknapp explains how she's hoping to give glamour a good name.
18:14Hi, I'm here in Selfridges in London
18:16where we're preparing for the really, really great garage sale.
18:19The sole benefit to using Louise Redknapp as a celebrity reporter
18:22is it helpfully marks the ultimate low.
18:24I mean, really, nothing could possibly be worse than that.
18:28Tiger 4!
18:30OK, if you like gentlemen, you're going to love tonight's show.
18:32Yes, you are, because we're going to be hearing from the boys later on,
18:34plus all the stars from the National TV Awards.
18:36We'll be asking if you would choose laughs over looks
18:39and we'll also be hearing from Simon Cowell.
18:41We're live from Studio 5!
18:43I take that back.
18:45Yes, live from Studio 5 is the first news programme
18:48broadcast directly from hell.
18:50Hosted by a large-breasted duckling, an incoherent footballer
18:53and a 200ft wall of searing white tooth enamel,
18:55it's a nightmarish parade of one lightweight item after another,
18:58like being force-fed marshmallows by a bastard in a glittery hat.
19:01Incredibly, this actually counts towards 5's news output,
19:04the stuff it has to broadcast as part of its public service remit.
19:08Still, they do cover the issue.
19:10Issues like, are hairy legs horrid?
19:12Why on earth would you not shave your legs? I just don't get it.
19:15Is Ricky Gervais funny or hilarious?
19:18And should you give money to the homeless or just f*** them off?
19:21Well, give them a sandwich, give them the time of day,
19:23they're human beings, but don't give them cash on the streets.
19:26Sometimes there's so much heated debate, you can't even hear it.
19:29But there is a weird double standard that goes on.
19:32That's what you think, there's a weird double standard that goes on.
19:35I remember getting a... That is curtain loss.
19:39And also there's a strange double standard that goes on.
19:42Largely, though, Studio 5 covers celebrities
19:44and it really cares about their well-being.
19:46David Hasselhoff. What can we say to Hoff? What's going on with this fella?
19:49Reports from America say he's been taken to hospital
19:51because of his drunken, drinking again, even.
19:54Now, apparently, 17-year-old daughter Hayley had to raise the alarm
19:58when she found him totally sozzled at his home in LA.
20:01It's the second time she's had to do this.
20:03Why does he keep doing this to his daughter? He's got to get a grip on him.
20:07Still, if you want entertainment news,
20:09where better to look than an entertainment news show?
20:12But surely if you're an entertainment news show,
20:14you should at least attempt to deal with the news aspect
20:17and not just act like an unconditional arse-kissing machine.
20:20For instance, those of you with long memories will recall last week
20:23we told you the story of Dappy from the group N-Dubs,
20:26who'd made headlines by sending threatening texts,
20:28even though he was helping front a government anti-bullying campaign at the time.
20:32He and his group were dropped from the campaign,
20:34which was quite big news in the tabloids,
20:36although live from Studio 5 didn't seem that interested.
20:39No idea why.
20:40Coincidentally, the following week, the band were guests on the show.
20:44They were interviewed live on air and quizzed for five and a half minutes
20:47with not one mention of the text story.
20:50Instead, they were asked which Brit nomination they wished they'd got.
20:53Best Group, Best Breakthrough. Best Breakthrough as well.
20:56There were other equally probing questions.
20:58So what have you all been up to, enjoying yourselves?
21:00Holidays. Lovely holiday.
21:03Sent any texts recently?
21:05Still, it's not surprising they were treated like kings,
21:07because when you do ask difficult questions, as IT ended last year
21:10when they questioned the band's suitability
21:12to front the anti-bullying campaign in the first place,
21:15you quickly get your knuckles wrapped.
21:17By putting yourselves up as a champion for children...
21:19We don't put ourselves up as that.
21:21You have by taking this role as ambassadors.
21:23But bullying, for me...
21:24From what I'm seeing right now,
21:26you're putting my band in a very, very uncomfortable position by attacking them.
21:29I don't feel I'm attacking them, I'm asking them how they can justify
21:32selling lyrics to children which are so explicit.
21:35That's a perfectly justifiable...
21:36We're not here about that.
21:38We're here about an anti-bullying campaign.
21:40It may not seem important,
21:41but as celebs get increasingly involved with issues,
21:44they're also increasingly able to get away with the sort of thing
21:46a spokesperson never would.
21:48The relationship between stars and the press is a one-way street.
21:51Put us on your show, plug us silly,
21:53but don't act like journalists or we won't come back
21:55and neither will any of our other showbiz friends.
21:58But perhaps the worst thing about all this celeb slurping
22:01is it's boring.
22:02I mean, who really gives a toss about sunny-as-gold boots?
22:05It can sometimes be entertaining when the news gets a famous person on,
22:08especially if they genuinely grill them.
22:11Just ask the Newsnight viewers who watched in astonishment
22:14as Mr Issues himself, Stingford Stingington Sting,
22:17wandered unwittingly into the Paxman Thunderdome.
22:20Do you ever feel uncomfortable
22:22travelling between your various homes in various continents
22:26at enormous carbon costs?
22:29Do you ever feel uncomfortable about that?
22:32I think it's an amusing red herring for the media
22:36to blame celebrities for the global crisis we're in.
22:40You're not being blamed for it,
22:42you're just being accused of hypocrisy, that's all.
22:44The economy can be a difficult thing to understand,
22:46especially when the news has tried to explain it to you.
22:49Have a look at this.
22:50Every day there's been baffling new terminology to learn,
22:53with the latest being quantitative easing,
22:55the Bank of England's recent attempt to stop the economy
22:58tumbling into a great big bin full of bums.
23:01Now, unless you speak fluent jargon,
23:03it's not immediately clear what quantitative easing actually is.
23:07In fact, as Newsnight found out
23:09when they hit the streets to ask human beings,
23:11even Brainiac Moss from the IT crowd doesn't know what it is.
23:15Er, the easing of quantitiveness.
23:20Thank God, then, that the news is on hand
23:22to describe exactly what quantitative easing is
23:25in easy-to-follow metaphorical steps.
23:27Put simply, quantitative easing is a tool
23:30for fixing a blockage in an economy that isn't running smoothly.
23:33There you go, it's a sort of spanner, made of money.
23:36But how does it work?
23:38Well, I suppose you twist it into the stock market.
23:41It's like creating money out of thin air
23:43or filling up a petrol tank with imaginary petrol.
23:47That is what most economists agree is needed
23:50to get any recovery started.
23:53Oh, God, he isn't making any sense.
23:55What I need is someone who can't help but speak
23:58in profoundly simple terms.
24:00Hello, welcome to 5 News, I'm Natasha Koplinsky.
24:03I'm pre-emptively chuckling cos I reckon she's about to tell us
24:06it's designed to encourage the banks and us to get lending and spending.
24:11It is designed to encourage the banks and us to get lending and spending.
24:15Our chief correspondent Jonathan Samuels
24:17investigates whether these measures will help an economy
24:20that's been going off the rails.
24:22Why, Natasha, that almost sounds like a cue for a bad railway metaphor.
24:27The economy at the moment seems to be like a runaway train.
24:31Great, all right, let's see you run with this one.
24:34The government's been pulling lots of levers behind the scenes
24:37to try and slow down the economic crisis,
24:40but it's got to such a stage now that they're trying a different track.
24:44Just tell me how it works.
24:46It's called quantitative easing.
24:48The idea is to pump more money into the economy.
24:51And get banks lending again.
24:53Toot, toot, the economy's made of trains.
24:56We once had a model economy.
24:58The government hopes the latest measures
25:00will mean we soon see light at the end of the tunnel.
25:03As anyone with eyes, ears and a brain knows,
25:06politicians don't always come across too well on TV
25:09and they're often their own worst enemy,
25:11as any viewer who's sat through a party political broadcast will tell you.
25:14Without interviewers holding them to account,
25:16politicians can easily seem stuffy or complacent.
25:19I think we can be fairly satisfied the way things have gone lately, don't you, Ram?
25:22Yes, but we've got through our programme very well
25:24and I've just come from the house and we're right up to date.
25:27Or weird and creepy.
25:29We believe in Britain.
25:32We're all in this together.
25:34Good luck to you all and good night.
25:37Or bolshy and needy.
25:39Stand firm.
25:41Don't be swayed.
25:42Give us a chance.
25:44Or young and sexy.
25:46Neil Kimmel's greatest asset is his youth.
25:49Or grey and boring.
25:54Or Scottish and boring and sitting at a desk.
25:57Good evening.
25:58Good God, it's footage of Gordon Brown in the womb.
26:01You'd be better off with Labour.
26:03And when they're not telling you you're better off with Labour,
26:06they're telling you the economic situation is getting better more quickly
26:09than anybody thought this time last year.
26:11There's no doubt that the economic situation is getting better
26:14and it's getting better more quickly than anybody thought this time last year.
26:18Even when politicians simply try and drum up support,
26:20they come across like a weird cult.
26:22I just came to realise that if I believed in those principles
26:25and I supported what the Labour Party was doing,
26:27then I should really join up and play a part in trying to change things.
26:30Yes, no matter how many zhuzhi modern TV techniques they employ
26:34to pass themselves off as normal people,
26:36politicians seem doomed to come across as snake oil salesmen or pricks.
26:40Maybe they could do with help from someone who really knows how TV works.
26:43Somebody a bit like Simon Cowell.
26:45Yes, entertainment deity Simon Cowell recently outlined his plan
26:48to redefine political TV in a revealing and ominous interview
26:51on the BBC's heavyweight news night.
26:53You've said in the past that the X Factor could have other applications.
26:58What about some kind of political engagement for the X Factor?
27:02Yeah, because it's the sort of thing I'd like to watch.
27:06There are so many really, really, really hot topics.
27:11Like what?
27:12Well, for instance, should we or should we be in Iraq and Afghanistan?
27:17If you actually asked most people in the country, why are we there?
27:22I couldn't even tell you.
27:24Simon might like to know that an X Factor-style political show
27:27has been tried before in the form of ITV's snazzy political bear pit Vote For Me,
27:31which had all the usual talent show ingredients, a shiny studio,
27:34a panel of expert judges, an eager amateur line-up and a phone vote
27:37in which, to the channel's embarrassment,
27:39was won by extreme right-winger Rodney Hilton Potts.
27:42Thank you very much. Finally, candidate number one, Rodney,
27:45tell us one thing you care about. Your time starts now.
27:50Our pensioners didn't fight two world wars to save this great country,
27:56to have it swamped with immigrants.
27:58Vote For Me wasn't a hit, but then it didn't have a red telephone in the middle.
28:02We would have a red telephone in the middle,
28:06which is, at any time, someone from number ten can call in.
28:10But I think something like that would be a good way for me
28:13to get involved in politics in my own way, which is, it would be controversial,
28:18the public would eventually make the decision.
28:21You know, I dread to think what a controversial political X Factor
28:24in which the public gets to decide might look like.
28:29He's the most divisive politician in Britain today.
28:35He denied climate change.
28:38He denied the existence of black Welshmen.
28:42There's no such thing as a black Welshman.
28:45He denied six million dead.
28:48I'm not a racist, no.
28:52It's time...
28:54That was a lynch mob.
28:56..to face...
28:58..Nick Griffith!
29:02Well, that's all we've got time for in this compilation edition.
29:06Go away.
29:11Coming up next tonight, Mark Lawson settles in for a chat
29:14with the star of our all-new Corridors of Power season drama on expenses,
29:18actor Brian Cox.
29:31BELL RINGS