• 2 months ago
First broadcast 28th February 2013.

Charlie Brooker

Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Doug Stanhope

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a show about things that are
00:26happening.
00:27Things like this.
00:28Legal harassment crisis, Lib Dems accused of rubbing millions up the wrong way while
00:32in office.
00:34Scotland's top cardinal steps down, Catholic Church apparently unhappy with the life of
00:39O'Brien.
00:40Already, there are rumours an institution somewhere may be harbouring appropriate behaviour.
00:45And in astonishing scenes, having won the New Orleans half marathon, Mo Farah sails
00:50past naive reporter in the 10,000 metre cringe.
00:53Now haven't you run before?
00:55Sorry?
00:56Haven't you run before?
00:59This isn't your first time.
01:01That's the sort of thing that's been going on, but we start here.
01:05So called Blade Runner, Oscar Pistorius is a world famous athlete who overcame disability
01:09to become a Paralympian and hero to millions, starring in glossy, life affirming commercials
01:14like this.
01:15His girlfriend, Reva Steenkamp, was a tall, blonde, socialite model and celebrity due
01:19to appear in a fluffy reality show.
01:22Now Steenkamp has been killed and Pistorius is at the centre of some of the most sensational
01:26news coverage in years.
01:28Oscar Pistorius charged with shooting dead his girlfriend at his home.
01:33The Olympic and Paralympic star will appear in court tomorrow morning.
01:37It's left South Africa and the sporting world in shock.
01:40Naturally a murder case involving a supermodel and one of the biggest athletes in the world
01:44was irresistible to the media and it made headlines around the globe.
01:48It was a crime story that interested the entertainment media too, who treated it as
01:51an interesting dash of blood in their overall showbiz stew.
01:55While Pistorius hired a high profile defence team, setting the stage for a real courtroom
02:00drama, his bail hearing was postponed until Tuesday.
02:04And another case with drama stamped all over it is Kim Kardashian's divorce.
02:08As Pistorius' bail hearing began, it was clear the world's reporters could keep a close eye
02:12on him throughout, at times likening it to a sporting event.
02:16As many eyes were trained on Pistorius in the dock as upon any stadium he's ever performed
02:20in.
02:21This on a day with as much drama in court as on an Olympic track.
02:24Yeah, and more to discus than any decathlon.
02:28This was a bail hearing without the full detail of a trial, but nonetheless the trial had
02:32begun in a sense, with all of us in the role of juror.
02:37Kelly Skort is back in session on the docket today, accused murderer and Olympic athlete
02:41Oscar Pistorius.
02:42We were treated to video game recreations of the crime scene.
02:45He ran down the corridor and shot Reeva Steenkamp, who was behind a locked toilet door.
02:51And lengthy speculation over the conflicting accounts.
02:54There are indications at least that steroids may have played a part here.
02:58He just screams and then fires through the door.
03:01It's not plausible.
03:02Mainly though, the news seemed to be there simply to look at the accused and to let us
03:05get a good look at him too.
03:07A wall of cameras to greet him in courtroom C.
03:10The Paralympic athlete still struggling to control his emotions.
03:16And interpreting those emotions became a prime focus of the coverage.
03:20He certainly seemed tormented at times.
03:23His hands crossed, his eyes raw.
03:27Tell me Adam, how far away were you from him in court and what did you see?
03:33I was approximately about 5-10 metres and what I could see was a very sombre and upset
03:40human being perhaps realising the real gravity of the situation.
03:44Most of the time those emotions were fairly easy to read because he was crying.
03:48And the news seemed to find it important to tell us just how much and how often he wept.
03:52Oscar Pistorius has in the last few moments broken down in tears.
03:57At every mention of the word murder, the Olympic and Paralympic blade runner Oscar Pistorius
04:02sobbed in court today.
04:04Reporters weren't allowed to film during proceedings themselves, but during recess
04:08they could use smartphone technology to show us the courtroom interior.
04:11We can actually hook up with our special correspondent Alex Crawford, she's on her iPhone inside
04:17the courtroom.
04:18Which of course meant even more up to the minute crying bulletins.
04:21Every time his girlfriend's name was mentioned he burst into tears, sometimes sobbing quite
04:27uncontrollably, his shoulders absolutely heaving.
04:31And that wasn't the only way to keep up to date.
04:33Well you can keep up with the latest from the courtroom, follow our correspondent Andrew
04:36Harding on Twitter.
04:38Yes, you could find out when Pistorius wept and whether his shoulders shook as he did
04:41so in real time thanks to the reporter's informative Twitter accounts.
04:45There were also helpful explanatory updates on his family's emotional state.
04:50The group of people that I'm showing you now are the Pistorius family who are utterly distraught.
04:55His sister is sobbing, his father is being comforted by the lady who's back.
05:01For his family at times the strain seemed unbearable.
05:05They held to each other for support.
05:08His brother and sister embraced after hearing the claims.
05:12His father sat consumed by despair.
05:15When the time came for the magistrate's bail verdict the tweeting stepped up a notch with
05:19second by second deconstruction of every sniffle and blub on the accused's face.
05:23Since they didn't have live pictures they may as well have augmented their coverage
05:26with a constantly updated Twitter feed on one side of the screen and a special emotional
05:30interpreter on the other enacting his weeping lie for our entertainment.
05:34Before the magistrate gave his verdict he shared his view on the media circus.
05:38It does raise the picture that the accused is some kind of species that the world has
05:48never seen before.
05:50That bit was edited out of the nightly reports although to be fair the magistrate did need
05:54editing.
05:55After so long and so flatly the reporter started retweeting jokes during his summary.
06:00Eventually bail was granted giving us time for one last crying and shoulders update.
06:05As the magistrate began to announce his decision Oscar Pistorius slumped, sobbing, his shoulders
06:11shaking.
06:12Then Oscar Pistorius swapped the glare of the courtroom for the glare of the outside
06:16world.
06:17That over there is Oscar Pistorius driving to freedom.
06:21He's just got bail and he's driving off down the street.
06:25And the sightseeing safari of this exotic species continued all the way into the South
06:29African countryside.
06:32When the news doesn't have many concrete facts it's content to let us sit and look.
06:36And thanks to technology there are more ways of looking than ever before.
06:39The end result when you look back at the footage is that it doesn't really feel like news at
06:43all more a strange form of sightseeing and a gathering of emotional souvenirs.
06:49There was this online craze thing called the Harlem Shake.
06:53It was sort of like something that Alex Zane introduces clips of in 18 months time but
06:58now and on the internet.
07:00You go to YouTube and put in Harlem Shake and you'd see like a big room and it'd have
07:09all these people in it and none of them were doing anything apart from like one person
07:13who was sort of dancing a bit and then the music would go all exciting and suddenly everyone's
07:18dancing like they were crazy.
07:21It was literally that amazing.
07:25It's better than Gangnam Style because Gangnam Style looks better but it's harder to do.
07:32Like with Harlem Shake you don't have to learn anything you just sort of go like that.
07:40Brilliant.
07:41Everyone's really flailing around which is funny and they're wearing silly things which
07:48is funny as well.
07:50People say Stuart Lee's funny but he's never done anything as funny as that and he never
07:56will.
07:57Once you'd seen one video right you had to see another and the good thing was that everyone
08:05was uploading their own versions right so you got to see what it looks like when people
08:09in different rooms suddenly all dance.
08:12It was amazing.
08:13You'd see like a big room of people and then they'd all be dancing which was fun or sometimes
08:19you'd see people all outside and they'd all be dancing which was probably more fun and
08:25then you'd see people in an old folks home and they'd all be dancing which is funny because
08:30they're old and then you'd see another one in an old folks home and you'd be like okay
08:35I've sort of seen that.
08:37Sometimes you'd see like all war men with guns and stuff and you'd hear the music and
08:42you'd think no way, no way they're going to do the mad dance.
08:45That would be mental but then right, they do it anyway.
08:52It shows even men who've been trained to kill and have been handed implements of death by
08:57the state still like to let their hair down.
09:00They could probably do it as a victory dance like on the battlefield over the bodies of
09:05people they've killed and the music's quite loud which would drown out the screaming.
09:10There were loads of people doing it in offices and at first you're like okay yeah that's
09:14really funny you know but then after a while you start thinking hello, the economy's sinking?
09:21How exactly is this supposed to help?
09:22It's all well and good waving your arms around with a funny hat on but at the end of the
09:27day you've got a job to do, we all have, to pull your weight.
09:30Stop fucking dancing and get back to work you selfish Harlem Shake bastards.
09:34You know what this whole horse meat scandal's been going on for so long it feels like it
09:39started back in, I don't know, 1948.
09:49Horse meat is rapidly becoming part of Britain's diet.
09:52Three million people buy it every week, though less than half that number know it.
09:57Public feeling grows against a sinister trade.
10:01The country demands action against a traffic so alien to the British people.
10:10No wonder it feels like we've been watching gruesome images like this for the past 65 years.
10:16Anyway, against this backdrop of bad grub, ITV have perhaps unwisely chosen to launch
10:21a new show that celebrates good honest home cooking by filling it with showbiz additives,
10:26artificial colourings and upsetting traces of horse shit.
10:29Welcome to Food Glorious Food, a competition to find Britain's most glorious recipe.
10:37Real food created by the nation's home cooks.
10:40Food Glorious Food is a talent show for recipes and it's created by Simon Cowell.
10:44It's effectively a plate full of great British bake-off leftovers hosted by a Carol Vorderman impersonator
10:49and flung on screen for you to watch while scoffing a microwaved equine lasagne from your lap.
10:54The premise is that eccentrics from across the country are putting their recipes up to be judged
10:58by four chunks of processed meat, namely face-pulling battle-axe hyacinth bouquet,
11:03some voice of the beehive woman who's wandered off the Sheila's Wheels ad,
11:06dribblesome stately home-in-a-blazer Tom Parker Bowles
11:09and Scotch VHS tape skeleton and mass-market sauce-trepreneur Lloyd Grossman.
11:14It's like being trapped forever in a food-based antiques roadshow
11:17or a village-fake concentration camp complete with iconic entrance sign.
11:21It's just not a very appetising dish.
11:23There are bits where the sour-faced one has to eat something gross.
11:27Endless references from Amy Winehouse to her bum or her knickers or her nan.
11:31That's like my bum on a cough every morning, that.
11:34She said bum.
11:35Every time I open my knicker drawer, it smells like my nana's house and that's what I can smell.
11:39Nice, fresh, clean knickers.
11:41She said knickers.
11:42She made the effort, like, you know, but I mean my nana makes the effort when she gets out of bed every morning
11:45and puts her tights and knickers on. Doesn't mean she's going to win 20 grand for it, does it?
11:48She said nana and knickers and she's from the north.
11:52There's also lots of explicit footage of Lloyd Grossman chewing the cud like a bespectacled tortoise.
11:57Which is great news if you find it sexy, like I do.
12:03It's very good.
12:04Sadly, there are traces of horse DNA in Tom Parker bowls.
12:07It's perfect.
12:08Would you like to go home with me?
12:11Trouble is, there's a flaw in the basic premise.
12:13On the one hand, Food Glorious Food purports to celebrate individual cookery made by eccentrics,
12:18by which I mean people who mush cabbage with their feet or dress like the shopkeeper from Mr. Ben.
12:23But on the other, the ultimate prize is to have your honest homemade food turned into a mass market ready meal
12:29for people to reheat and shovel into their downturned mouths between guttural sobs of despair
12:34as they sit at home watching yet another formulaic talent contest like this one,
12:38pretending everything's fine and everyone's f***ing happy.
12:42The whole thing's designed to feel inclusive and chummy in that horribly false big society way,
12:47but frankly, it can keep calm and f*** off.
12:51Still, it is undeniably interesting watching the judges having to eat odd dishes.
12:55Sausages in milk.
12:57Yes.
12:58You know they say you never see white dog shit anymore?
13:01Turns out you do.
13:02So I'd like you to try it for the taste rather than the appearance.
13:07Right.
13:08So I've brought you a little blindfold.
13:10Open your mouth.
13:12There you go.
13:13Oh, it's just like nine and a half weeks, this.
13:16And that tastes flowery.
13:18But she isn't the only fantasy Brit lady to sample unusual flavours.
13:22No, our very own Nigella is currently wowing them stateside
13:25in another even more demented foodie talent show.
13:29This is a cooking competition unlike any other.
13:32The Taste is an astonishing new American food talent contest
13:35which is basically the voice with food.
13:37It's all about the taste and nothing but the taste.
13:40Why? Because we're tasting the food blind.
13:43Britain's favourite finger-licking curvatron is joined on panel duties
13:47by Mr Tumble, a Playmobil pool boy, and Monica's dad from Friends.
13:51The idea is simple.
13:52The panel simply have to taste one spoonful of each one a chef's wares.
13:56One spoon.
13:57Because they don't have any idea who made it or what's in it,
14:00it's an experience almost exactly like buying any meat product in Britain today.
14:04If they like what they taste, they can sign the chef responsible up for their team
14:08in time for a forthcoming cook-off.
14:10I like the sweet, the heat, all of that.
14:12I like a little bit of the crunch. The scallop was cooked perfectly.
14:15So I really see you as somebody I would like to work with
14:18and could potentially join Team Malarkey.
14:23We've got an in right here.
14:24Wow.
14:25Although some of these chefs, entertainingly enough, turn out to be dicks.
14:28I'm going to come at them full force.
14:30And they're not even going to know what's happening
14:32because it's coming from the future through a time portal,
14:34smashing them in the face with awesomeness.
14:36There's nothing they can do about it.
14:37What he's saying is he's going to put some food on a spoon.
14:40You want that spoon? Take it away, chef.
14:42This is a pineapple, maitake mushroom, ground turkey, sun-dried tomato,
14:48mac and cheese stir-fry.
14:50Mmm.
14:51You can't necessarily put those flavours together in your head.
14:54I can imagine something like it coming out of my head into the toilet.
14:57When a chef's spoonful displeases the panel,
14:59they send them back to the kitchen like an omelette with a pube on it.
15:02It's appalling, and you will not be cooking in my kitchen.
15:11Then they kill him, cut him up, cook him and eat him.
15:14Just kidding.
15:15You know, I make food for awesomeness, not just food for tasting good.
15:19And that guy was a professional chef.
15:21Many of the aspiring cooks are amateurs
15:23hoping to break out of more mundane careers,
15:25like this guy who's got a truly shitty job.
15:28My name is TJ Teeman. I'm 37 years old.
15:31I work at a wastewater treatment plant,
15:33and your crap is my bread and butter.
15:35Everybody poos, and everybody's got to eat.
15:38I'll tell you what, I'd much rather work in a kitchen,
15:41cooking food and dealing with what goes into the body
15:44rather than the end result here, what comes out of the body.
15:47You know, I'd have thought if you worked in a sewage plant
15:49staring at bubbling human excrement all day long,
15:51you'd go out of your way to create a dish that looked absolutely nothing like it.
15:55But I'd be wrong.
15:57Ooh, hell yes.
15:59On the positive side, this dish does provide plenty of roughage
16:02and appears to be going down surprisingly well with the judges.
16:05I think Nigella's just had a bit of sweet corn.
16:13Technology and incredible yet bland scenes
16:16as Sony hold a live web launch for their forthcoming PlayStation 4 console.
16:20There wasn't much you could tell from the launch
16:22because they didn't actually show the machine itself.
16:24Instead, a bizarre new Kevin Elden character showed off the joypad.
16:28For the first time, the new controller, and here it is.
16:31The DualShock 4 joypad quivers when stimulated,
16:34has a strokeable sensitive area on the front
16:36and an inviting little button down below that aches to be touched,
16:39after which it encourages all your friends to come along and join in the fun,
16:42like your mum does.
16:44If you ask me, the emphasis on sharing is an absolute disaster for the PlayStation
16:48because it looks like it's going to turn the blissfully isolated pastime of gaming
16:51into a sort of grinning Facebook hell of empty, socialised twattery.
16:55Still, it wasn't just boring hardware on display.
16:57No, there were games too,
16:59introduced by people trying to make them sound like things they weren't.
17:02This is a story about the loss of home,
17:04the search for a new home,
17:06and the lengths to which people go to defend it.
17:09Sounds deep.
17:10This is Killzone Shadowfall.
17:12No, no it doesn't.
17:13Ingmar Bergman's Killzone Shadowfall is an inspiring meditation
17:17on shooting people in the future.
17:19As well as a game where you shoot everyone in the future,
17:21there was a game where you drive cars really quickly,
17:23a game where you fight dragons,
17:25a game where you fight goblins,
17:26and a startling tech demonstration of the PlayStation 4's uncanny ability
17:30to resurrect the disembodied head of Jimmy Savile
17:33and leave it floating forever in a kind of abstract antimatter hell.
17:36Where you can feel his emotions, just looking at his face.
17:39Where you can see his soul, just looking into his eyes.
17:43Not quite Mario, is it?
17:45Isn't everyone on the internet horrible?
17:47Well, yes they are.
17:48But here's someone who thinks that's just swell.
17:50It's US comedian and drunk, Doug Stanhope.
17:54I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
18:00Evidently in the UK, you have some vague, ambiguous laws about meme tweeting.
18:06Where you can go to prison for being abusive on the internet.
18:11Where in the United States, being rude on the internet, that's the purpose of it.
18:16That's why you're on the internet.
18:18That's like making fun of the internet.
18:20That's why you're on the internet.
18:22That's like making porn legal, but it's against the law to jerk off to it.
18:27A lot of people are against meme tweeting, because it's usually at your expense.
18:31You're a big fucking man when you're sitting behind your keyboard,
18:34but you'd never say that shit to my face.
18:37Of course I wouldn't, because you would hit me.
18:39Why would I invoke violence when I can do it happily from the safety of my own home?
18:45Point being, the internet is built for tragedy and inappropriate comments.
18:50Tragedy, that's when comics come to life.
18:53Tragedy happens, comic has to spring into action.
18:57You want to be the first on stage or on the laptop to make an inappropriate joke.
19:02That's what it's there for.
19:03Dead celebrities race to the internet.
19:06I can't wait, Whitney Houston, what do you got?
19:08And then people go, that's too soon.
19:10And you go, no, they just died, it's perfectly timed.
19:13The news broke, I had the first joke on the fucking internet.
19:16How dare you question my timing.
19:18I'm a professional.
19:22Too soon.
19:24For the first time in a celebrity's ego-driven career,
19:28they finally are dead and don't have to give a shit about what you said about them on the internet.
19:34How limited is your imagination that not only do you believe in an afterlife,
19:40but you still think it has social networking?
19:44Well, you're dead celebrities down there in line checking their iPhone.
19:48Well, I hope I better be trending at least.
19:52Well, that comment's a little off-color.
19:55That's a little salty.
19:57Could have saved that until I was cold.
20:00It's weird that the church can say you're going to go to hell if you masturbate.
20:05But if I tweet that your father is in hell because he masturbated,
20:10do I go to prison for that, or am I covered under some religious freedom act?
20:14I don't know. I'm not a barrister.
20:17A musical interlude now, and the grassroots celebration of artistic authenticity
20:21that is the Brits thrilled viewers nationwide from beginning to end.
20:25The coverage kicked off dynamically as Queenio Head Stadium botherers Muse,
20:29led by their apparently two-foot-tall henchman Matt Bellamy,
20:31performed their symphony for youth orchestra Kitchen Sink and bloke going wah.
20:41Before James Corden unveiled the magnificently diverse musical menu on offer that evening.
20:46However you like your music, we have something for you.
20:49You sure about that? Because I like my music bland, okay?
20:52Mumford and Sons are going to be here tonight.
20:55Hooray!
20:56Taylor Swift.
20:57Yes!
20:58Ben Howard.
20:59Probably yes!
21:00Robbie Williams.
21:01Result!
21:03Evelyn Sandé.
21:04Ace!
21:05And five young men that go by the name of One Direction are here.
21:10Oh, jackpot!
21:13Having established its credentials with anarchic awards
21:15like the Rock and Roll Mastercard Album of the Year supported by the Sons Bazaar column,
21:19the ceremony continued to wow audiences by handing a succession of meaningless,
21:22hearst-ruined statuettes to a dwindling roll call of piss-weak musical fart,
21:27interspersed with earnest VTs in which artists like Trust Fund Wurzel's Mumford and Sons
21:31outlined their unique creative vision.
21:34One of the most exciting things about making a second album is doubling the size of the window
21:39people get to look in at what we do.
21:41And one of the most exciting things about that window is doubling the speed I tossed that second album through it.
21:46Some of these songs take years to finish.
21:48I f***ing say.
21:49There were also spine-tingling performances from the aforementioned Bullingdon Buskers,
21:54sexy-backed songster Tin Tin Bumberclart,
21:56the white-clean vinyl Tweenies,
21:58a bright blue Morrissey Droid,
22:00some hopefully unpaid intern,
22:02and caterwauling ice cream Emily Sandé,
22:04whose performance transported us all back to a happier time last year,
22:07in July 2012, just before most of us had heard of her.
22:16Following another five million mentions of Mumford and Sons,
22:19the Corporate Import-Export Awards were over for another year.
22:23But don't worry, it's not the last you'll have heard of all the acts featured.
22:26No, because they'll all be playing unrelentingly in the background of every clothes shop you walk past,
22:30every Match of the Day gold montage,
22:32touchscreen camera commercial,
22:34and Britain's Got Talent contestant package
22:36you clap your hollow, wounded, disappointed eyes on
22:39for the next 500 f***ing years.
22:42Controversy, and the news chickens get in a flap
22:45as brainy author Hilary Mantel apparently criticises our Kate.
22:49You can see there some of the language being used in the headline.
22:55A plastic princess designed to breed?
22:58I think I ordered one of those off the internet once.
23:00The comments upset some of the biggest anchors in Britain,
23:03such as this machine-made frontman with a plastic smile.
23:06She's described as a woman with a plastic smile.
23:09She's described as a machine-made princess with a plastic smile.
23:14Do you know, I think that's really unnecessary.
23:16It also caused upsetting exchanges on This Morning.
23:19When has being polite, gentle, well-mannered suddenly become plastic and fake?
23:25I think she should shut up.
23:27Even the PM chipped in with his two cents.
23:29I think what she said about Kate Middleton is completely misguided, completely wrong.
23:33But not everyone joined in the pile-on.
23:35Some had actually read the article.
23:37What this article is, it's a big article, it's a long article,
23:39all about the history of consorts, what happens to consorts.
23:42Ugh, boring, but she does slag Kate off in it, yeah?
23:45What she was trying to say was that there's something that happens
23:48when a woman marries into the royal family.
23:50She becomes this image, and we expect her not to necessarily say anything,
23:54we comment about her dress, but we almost turn our royal family into dolls.
23:58God knows where she got that impression, unless she watches the news.
24:01With those trademark heels, Kate stepped into the ring.
24:05With those trademark heels, Kate stepped into new territory.
24:08With her green coat, the Duchess wore the shamrock brooch.
24:11Yes, only an eyeless rock could fail to notice the media portrayal of Kate
24:15does indeed tend to treat her more like a grinning mannequin than a real woman.
24:19Even on the day they reported Mantell's comments,
24:21they couldn't stop banging on about the way Kate was dressed
24:24and how much her pregnancy was showing,
24:26like she was, I don't know, some kind of plastic princess designed to breed.
24:29The Duchess of Cambridge just inside, wearing a black and white dress,
24:35and a very visible bump.
24:37When they actually let us hear her voice, it's such a rare event,
24:40all the news channels actually treat it like a massive story in itself.
24:44For once, attention wasn't just on how Kate looked, but also on what she said.
24:48Kate can speak.
24:50A small room, a few invited guests, but intense scrutiny.
24:54I'm only sorry that William can't be here today.
24:58He would love it here.
25:01Well done, pretty. Back in your box.
25:04Based on the book of the same name, Cloud Atlas is a visually spectacular attempt
25:08at creating a metaphysically profound blockbuster spanning several centuries of made-up time.
25:12It stars Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks again,
25:17Jim Broadbent, Jim Broadbent, Ben Whishaw and Tom Hanks.
25:20Often when watching films, you find yourself squinting at a cast member and saying,
25:24where have I seen them before? And in Cloud Atlas, the answer is in that other bit of Cloud Atlas.
25:29Because the novelty here is that Cloud Atlas consists of six separate stories starring the same cast,
25:34popping up again and again in different guises throughout.
25:37What are you doing in here?
25:38Fun idea in theory, but in practice it means the whole thing feels a bit like playing Where's Wally with famous people,
25:43which sort of constantly knocks you out of the storyline,
25:46especially when these prosthetic noses aren't always brilliant.
25:49It gets particularly weird when, say, Halle Berry turns up as a white woman,
25:53Hugh Grant turns up as a futuristic Korean,
25:55and when Tom Hanks appears, apparently disguised as George Michael, it's just silly.
26:00The film continually flips from one story to another in a manner that sometimes draws parallels between the various shaggy dog stories,
26:06but more often feels like you're watching six different miniseries playing together in shuffle mode.
26:10You need a f***ing Atlas just to find your way through the thing.
26:13Still, if it's a mess, it is at least a brave mess,
26:15although while it has moments of excitement and is visually staggering throughout,
26:18it's hard to care about characters whose lives you're experiencing for sometimes just a few moments at a time across 180 minutes.
26:26In fact, the most profound thing I learned about the human condition across its three-hour running time is how long my bladder can hold out.
26:33Joining me now to discuss Cloud Atlas are Charlie Brooker from the year 1973
26:37and Charlie Brooker from 106 Winters After the Fall,
26:40who is actually played tonight by Halle Berry, isn't that right?
26:43Yes, yes it is.
26:44Have you read the book, Cloud Atlas?
26:46Interesting question. What exactly is a book?
26:49It's a kind of content delivery system. You look at shapes on paper and it makes pictures, I guess, appear in your head.
26:56Do you have cave paintings after the fall?
26:58Yes, we do.
26:59It's like those?
27:00Oh, right. In that case, no. No, I haven't.
27:03Have you read the book?
27:04I haven't, although I have to be honest, I don't really know that it would have helped if I had.
27:09I mean, I found the whole multiple character thing kind of tricksy and annoying.
27:13There is something just inherently stupid, I think, about seeing Hugh Grant playing a cannibal.
27:18Yeah, it's like some kind of weird sitcom.
27:20What's a sitcom?
27:21It's like a cave painting you laugh at.
27:23Like Mrs. Brown's Boys. Actually, Cloud Atlas is quite a lot like Mrs. Brown's Boys
27:26because both Ben Whishaw and Hugo Weaving turn up playing kind of unconvincing women at one point.
27:31It's really distracting.
27:32What's Mrs. Brown's Boys?
27:33Well, you're from 1973. I mean, you'd love it.
27:36Can I just say I'm finding this whole sequence quite self-indulgent.
27:40Yeah, I never really liked this bit of the show.
27:42Yeah, well, neither of you had to turn up.
27:44We didn't.
27:45What? We're not here? You're imagining this whole thing?
27:48Don't be ridiculous. I can see you quite clearly sitting there and...
27:54Oh.
28:01Paint, and a heterosexual male dares to subvert everything with an unconventional colour choice.
28:08Are you mad?
28:12Pink!
28:15Pink!
28:17Shortly afterwards, the naysayers are trying to hold a party downstairs,
28:20but being saddows, it's sadly underpopulated,
28:22and looks a bit like the before bit in a Harlem Shake video, he said, contemporarily.
28:27But wait! Upstairs, Mad Dan's pink bedroom is acted as a sort of instant lady honeypot.
28:33Pink!
28:34Now he has the pick of all these easily mesmerised girls.
28:37In fact, just after closing that door, he painted some pink walls white.
28:41But they couldn't show that bit.
28:44Yeah, well, that is about all we've got time for.
28:47Programme ends. Until next time, go away.
29:11Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg