First broadcast 2nd February 2010.
Charlie Brooker
Doug Stanhope
Marina Hyde
Charlie Brooker
Doug Stanhope
Marina Hyde
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Newswiper program, all about what's been happening
00:28like this. Dyslexic protesters brand Blair a raw criminal with bald on his hands. Ben Kingsley
00:36and Gordon Brown vow to kiss and make up with Taliban as Clinton and Miliband reach first base.
00:43And world gasps as nerd unveils most expensive rectangle in history.
00:50But we start by looking at the Haiti disaster. Yes, recently the news has been filled with scenes
00:56of unimaginable horror and unbearable suffering. On the whole, the reporters themselves have been
01:00remarkably stoic in the face of events that would traumatize anyone. Some actively stepped in,
01:05leading to astonishing scenes like this, in which CNN health correspondent and neurosurgeon Sanjay
01:10Gupta cared for an injured baby in the street. Obviously, faced with scenes like this, the world
01:16wanted to do something to help. In the US, three whole presidents came together in scenes which
01:20were vaguely reminiscent of a Doctor Who 3 Doctor's Special. America's aid contribution
01:25was far greater than any other country. A disparity which so enraged right-wing blowhard
01:30Bill O'Reilly, he complained about it on his nightly festival of bellowing on Fox News.
01:35The benevolent nature of China has pledged little more than five million in cash and aid. I mean,
01:42how generous is that? Russia pledging one mobile hospital and 20 doctors. Putin's another Mother
01:50Teresa, isn't he? Come on Bill, every little helps. That great humanitarian Hugo Chavez in
01:55Venezuela sending one plane full of relief supplies. You don't want Hugo, keep your stupid
02:02plane. No, fly it to where it's needed. To be fair to O'Reilly, he did go on to urge his viewers to
02:07donate even more money. And in astonishing scenes carefully outlined on the informative Russia Today,
02:13Hugo one-plane Chavez went on to blame America for causing the disaster by testing an earthquake
02:19inducing super weapon. Yes, but this time it was only a drill and the final target is destroying
02:25and taking over Iran. Modern news always needs to fashion events into a compelling narrative and the
02:31Haiti story was no different. Once it had shown us distressing scenes of overrun hospitals and rubble
02:36for several nights, it needed a fresh angle. And so began the search for signs of conflict.
02:41Obviously, a massive aid effort organized at short notice in a country whose infrastructure
02:45has been destroyed is going to be a logistical nightmare and there was much coverage criticizing
02:49the slow distribution of aid. But one of the things holding up the aid was the fear of violence which
02:54the news also seemed fascinated by. The moment footage of sporadic but inevitable scuffles
02:59arrived, it was seized on as evidence that the whole of Haiti was about to descend into barbarism.
03:04But with aid struggling to get through, the country is spiraling out of control.
03:08Haiti now is not just a tinderbox of simmering desperation and anxiety,
03:14it's possibly just one step from something very ugly indeed. At times the news seemed to frame
03:20the threat of violence not as a possibility in any society that's hit by massive disaster,
03:25but as something unique to Haiti itself. There's this ugly undercurrent, sadly, within Haitian
03:31history which has the ability to turn, it has the ability to quite literally fight for survival,
03:37hence you're seeing not just doctors and aid workers on the streets, but riot police too.
03:42The ugly undercurrent in Haitian history presumably distinguishes it from Britain,
03:47a nation whose own history consists of millennia of uninterrupted peace.
03:51Still, whatever, here's some angry foreigners.
04:01What he says is hard to understand. It almost doesn't matter.
04:06If you say so. Sky occasionally seemed curiously disapproving of people forced
04:10to scavenge for anything they could find. They scramble over an assault course of
04:14destruction to get at anything they can. Watch this.
04:20And this. Perhaps the US military should. They don't seem to think there's a problem.
04:27Yeah, well, maybe they've got a clearer idea of the bigger picture than you have. Just a thought.
04:31In fairness, dislocation could be a factor here. The reporter wasn't in Haiti,
04:35but in Britain, revoicing images seen on a monitor.
04:38Images are always open to interpretation. Take this shot from another Sky News report.
04:43These people aren't even vainly hoping for food.
04:47They're fighting over cardboard boxes to use as shelter.
04:52Are they fighting or are they throwing the boxes to try and break and flatten them to use as
04:57shelter and sunscreens, as we saw them doing in other reports?
05:01Check out the guy in the green T-shirt and his mate in the stripy blue top.
05:05They're clearly having a laugh batting these boxes around. Surely that's the
05:08very definition of being good-natured in a crisis.
05:11Sky weren't the only ones to focus on the violence. On the BBC's News at Ten,
05:15George Alagiah stood live in the street to say...
05:18There have been increasing signs of tension and anger on the streets here,
05:22but I think to call it all criminality or looting, I think that would be an exaggeration.
05:26But apparently reporter Matt Fry hadn't got that memo.
05:30Looting is now the only industry here, and this is the new rush hour of Port-au-Prince.
05:35Anything will do as a weapon, a hacksaw, a stick,
05:39and of course all the machetes and guns that you can't see.
05:42It's just a foretaste of things to come.
05:44The occasionally feverish tone of some of the coverage angered DJ and world music guru Andy
05:50Kershaw so much he wrote a furious article for the Independent newspaper about it,
05:55accusing the media of treating the Haitians like savages.
05:58Perhaps surprisingly, some of the most measured comments
06:01about the use of violent footage came from Fox News.
06:04We've seen video of sporadic violence,
06:06but you know the camera can sometimes enlighten us and it can sometimes distort the truth.
06:11Yes, there are these isolated incidents of violence and the cameras tend to gravitate
06:16towards those and highlight them, magnify them because of that.
06:19The people of Haiti really are dealing with this with an admirable dignity and sense of calm.
06:24Casting scavengers as looters and highlighting a supposed descent
06:28into lawlessness doesn't just make news reports more dramatic.
06:31It also has the side effect of benefiting private security contractors.
06:36Some of them quickly leapt online to offer their armed defence services to those seeking
06:40to rebuild Haiti, as we can see in this depressing clip from MSNBC's left-leaning Rachel Maddow show.
06:46The company that registered, haitisecurity.com,
06:49is literally offering that on their website. High threat terminations.
06:54Just to be clear, the vast majority of BBC,
06:56ITN and Sky's coverage of the disaster has been exemplary.
07:00They also undoubtedly helped raise a lot of money by repeatedly plugging the appeal details.
07:04Everywhere you looked there was a message telling you to call deck.
07:07It was a bit like looking at post-it notes on Ant's fridge.
07:11Speaking of aid, in the wake of any major catastrophe people ask why God didn't intervene.
07:16This time however Sky were there to capture the glitzy moment God himself
07:19turned up and announced he was going to do something about it.
07:22I don't know who's available but I will get a record out within seven to ten days.
07:27ITN feverishly watched as Simon Cowell assembled a charity single
07:30after someone less powerful than himself.
07:32Some bloke called Gordon Brown, apparently, asked him to help out.
07:36We were told an impressive roster of top stars including Jalouse
07:40and Lion Girl would appear on the single, although Sky's Kate Burley seemed most
07:43excited at the prospect of one phallocentric performer sticking his oar in.
07:48Nothing like a bit of rod, is there?
07:49The song picked was REM's Everybody Hurts,
07:52a soaring and soulful number about the possibility of hope.
07:55But a choice that caused heated debate on the set of Live From Studio 5.
08:00The song, it's quite deep, isn't it?
08:02It's quite, I thought it might have been more of a uplifting, kind of like,
08:06inspirational kind of song.
08:07What, something like Come On Eileen, yeah?
08:09By the time they put all the footage and that on it, it'll make,
08:12it might as well make you cry, wouldn't it?
08:13Yeah, it probably will.
08:14I think it's a little bit too sad, it's such a sad thing that's going on.
08:19I think perhaps people need something a little bit uplifting, a little bit inspiring to say,
08:24you know, we can get through this, we're going to help out and all come together.
08:28And instead, I'm just like, God, it's just, it's just so depressing, really.
08:33God, it is depressing.
08:35Oh, wait, look, don't miss Joe Swash.
08:38Joe Swash, there he is, hello!
08:41While the children debated Simon's song choice,
08:43across the pond even bigger stars than Joe Swash
08:45were gathering for a glittering live two-hour telethon.
08:48The line-up included literally every musician you could ever want to hear.
08:51And still, Hollywood did its bit too.
08:54Brad Pitt being down, looking like a man from the future.
08:58In fact, the cream of movie land was there,
09:00manning the most star-studded call centre in history.
09:03There was Steven Spielberg off Jurassic Park, he was there.
09:06Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts.
09:08Even Taylor Swift off the VMA Awards.
09:11Hello, this is Taylor Swift.
09:12Oh, you're Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish,
09:15but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!
09:20As we've seen there, celebrities can be incredibly useful
09:22when it comes to raising huge amounts of money for charity.
09:25But are famous people always the best champions for every cause?
09:29Here's journalist Marina Hyde with her personal view.
09:34Celebrities have always been involved in the news to some degree,
09:36and you've often seen people in the past, you know,
09:39attach themselves to particular charities and causes.
09:42But it's the last, I think the last 10 years,
09:44it's become completely ridiculous.
09:46When Tony Blair had that cool Britannia party shortly after taking office,
09:50and you had the Gallaghers there and various other sort of people
09:53who have now passed rather into the, where are they now, files,
09:56I think that's a real mark where celebrities
09:58began to be brought into almost every debate.
10:00Does Mr Blair meet your fashion standards?
10:04No, absolutely not.
10:06Why not?
10:06I prefer John Major even, no, really.
10:09What's fundamentally wrong with a lot of celebrity activism
10:12is that they are simply not experts in the subject.
10:14They crowd much more intelligent voices out of the discourse,
10:18and often there can be such a huge dissonance
10:20between their lifestyle and the cause they're promoting
10:22that it totally undermines their message.
10:25The first day of a new job for the former Spice Girl,
10:27Geri Halliwell, has got off to a rather bumpy start.
10:30Geri Halliwell is one of these ridiculous modern sort of confections really,
10:33a UN goodwill ambassador, which don't change very much
10:36except perhaps the definition of goodwill.
10:38I think to say that Geri dumbs down the debate
10:40implies that she can even frame the debate at all.
10:43See, I believe that everybody deserves to have control of their life.
10:47About 10 years ago, the presence of a celebrity, say, in a war-torn area
10:51might be used as an excuse to mention more about what was happening there.
10:55Increasingly, it now feels as if those kind of current events
10:57are being used just as an excuse to talk about the celebrity.
11:01So when Geri goes to visit Nepal,
11:03far from us talking much more about Nepal
11:05and her campaign or whatever against violence against women,
11:07you just end up seeing her in various pictures, various outfits,
11:11and the sort of plot device for why she was there is entirely forgotten.
11:15When she came back, it became just the excuse
11:17for another round of Geri Halliwell's sort of talk show appearances,
11:21where she went on to the cosy daytime sofa programme this morning,
11:25Housewives' Favourite, and said, you know,
11:27it was really important having that diplomatic presence there,
11:30that Western presence.
11:31My presence apparently gave the confidence for that new prime minister,
11:35and it's a coalition, so he's under a lot of pressure
11:38to speak out about, you know, violence against women,
11:42because there was a Western presence there.
11:43He suddenly thought, OK, this is cool to do it.
11:45You think, hang on, a Western presence used to be like Madeleine Albright
11:48or just someone from the State Department.
11:50It's now Ginger Spice.
11:52The International Day of Peace is a sort of UN-backed initiative
11:55for there to be peace across war zones for one day,
11:58where people can go and do things like get vaccinated.
12:01Jeremy Gilley is a filmmaker who didn't actually come up with the day,
12:04but began a campaign to get it better recognised around the world,
12:07which he's made two documentaries about.
12:09In July 1998, I decided to make a film about peace.
12:14His campaigning's achieved a lot.
12:15However, very simplistically, Jeremy Gilley's main tools
12:18appear to be the use of celebrities.
12:20Who he seems to think is to be some sort of magic key
12:23that will unlock world peace, if I can...
12:26I've actually complicated his vision there.
12:28This was unbelievable.
12:30Angelina Jolie was sat on my sofa asking me what she could do.
12:34There's this spectacular cringe-making scene
12:36where Jude Law and Jeremy have just been having their photos taken there,
12:38and in these kind of matching T-shirts that say Peace One Day.
12:42Like those Mummy's Little Helper T-shirts you get in gift shops.
12:44And Jude says, so where are you going next, mate?
12:47And he goes, I'm going to Afghanistan.
12:48He goes, oh, my God, when? Can I come?
12:50Where are you going next?
12:52I'm going to Afghanistan next.
12:55Afghanistan is when? July?
12:57Huh?
12:57July.
12:58What's that?
12:58Afghanistan.
12:59Yeah, Afghanistan, yeah.
13:00That's astonishing. I mean, how did you even start?
13:02Yeah, you can come with me if you want.
13:04In July? I'm not doing anything in July.
13:06Well, you can come.
13:07How long will you go for?
13:08About eight days.
13:10Which eight days?
13:12About July 20th, July 28th.
13:18And then you think, oh, my God, I know Afghanistan's in trouble,
13:21but just how in trouble has just been underlined to me.
13:24He takes Jude to Afghanistan, where they spread the word about Peace Day.
13:28There is now a Peace Day.
13:30Will they tell the children on the 21st of September that it's Peace Day?
13:34While they're out there, Sky News consulted Jude Law about the situation in Afghanistan.
13:39Things changed there since you last visited, Jude.
13:43The fortification of the whole city has expanded by two times, maybe three times.
13:51You think, my God, a Sky News asking the star of a remake of Alfie
13:55for a sort of strategic assessment of how the war's going in Kabul.
13:59I think very rarely there will be an exception, someone like Joanna Lumley,
14:02who clearly, when she was supporting her Gurkhas campaign,
14:06knew more about the subject than most of the people in front of whom she appeared,
14:09certainly more than the government minister with responsibility for the issue.
14:12We're all agreed that we are going to be able to help in the formation of new guidelines.
14:19So that'll be wonderful.
14:21She was one of those people who was able to bring about change,
14:24and I thought she did brilliantly.
14:25But for every one of her, there was a hundred others
14:28just sort of lumbering around the world, I think perhaps often making things worse.
14:32You know, sometimes you see something that makes you realise
14:34the fusion of news and celebrity really has gone too far.
14:38I'm John.
14:38I'm Edward.
14:39And you're watching Sky News.
14:41For the latest, I'm John Edward.
14:44Yes, these days you're as likely to bump into a celebrity on a current affairs show
14:47as you are down the groucho.
14:49Actually, more likely, because they wouldn't let you into the groucho, you pleb.
14:53Stars are everywhere.
14:54They're invited to explain public health campaigns.
14:56You're here to tell us the pale is good.
14:58Pale is great, yes.
15:00It's a good message to all of you.
15:01They're patiently asked their expert opinion on Gordon Brown's chances.
15:04I think he's dogged enough to try and stick it out.
15:07But if the momentum goes, it keeps on going the way that it does,
15:11he won't be able to survive.
15:12They even queue up to flog any old toot on the Andrew Marr show.
15:15From one Australian megastar to another.
15:18Rolf Harris.
15:18I'm going to be talking to Rolf in a moment.
15:20But first, a quick blast from Christmas in the Sun, his latest musical foray.
15:26Come on down and join us for a Christmas in the sun.
15:30Yeah, it's making current affairs look a bit shit, really.
15:33Celebrities, of course, get an easy time of it compared to politicians.
15:36Put Sky's well-respected Adam Bolton opposite a politician
15:39and he won't shy away from asking difficult questions.
15:42But stick a star on his island and tickety-tock, it's bumkiss o'clock.
15:46Now Sir Anthony Hopkins is showcasing his own paintings
15:50at exhibitions in London and Edinburgh.
15:52Yes, it seems Sir Hannibal's done some painting.
15:54So marvellous, even noted critic Adam Bolton struggles to describe them.
15:58They're sort of two sorts, it seems.
16:00They're realist landscapes and then they're the more sort of fantastical dreamscapes.
16:06To be fair, that is probably the ninth best painting of a purple elephant
16:10I've seen since primary school.
16:11I just follow my instinct.
16:13I paint in a childlike way.
16:15I don't have a sense of... I have no training in perspective.
16:20No.
16:21So I just paint as a...
16:22Rich man with time on his hands.
16:24Did it help you playing Picasso?
16:26Has that helped you as an artist?
16:29Yes.
16:30Jesus, Bolton's being so deferential,
16:31it's as though he's mistaken him for some kind of ancient forest god.
16:34Sir Anthony Hopkins, wolfman, Thor and artist.
16:37There, a lot to look forward to.
16:39Thank you very much indeed.
16:40Thank you very much.
16:43Five News is the logical extension of all this starry ring-licking.
16:47Often it's not like a news bulletin at all,
16:49more like watching a boy reading Heat magazine off on autocue.
16:52For our latest celebrity report,
16:54Louise Redknapp explains how she's hoping to give glamour a good name.
16:58Hi, I'm here in Selfridges in London
17:00where we're preparing for the really, really great garage sale.
17:04The sole benefit to using Louise Redknapp as a celebrity reporter
17:07is it helpfully marks the ultimate low.
17:09I mean, really, nothing could possibly be worse than that.
17:13Tiger 4!
17:14Okay, if you like it, we're going to love tonight's show.
17:17Yes, you are, because we're going to be hearing from the boys later on.
17:18First, all the stars from the National TV Awards.
17:21We'll be asking if you would choose laughs over looks,
17:24and we'll also be hearing from Simon Cowell.
17:26We're live from Studio 5!
17:28I take that back.
17:30Yes, live from Studio 5 is the first news programme broadcast directly from hell.
17:34Hosted by a large-breasted duckling, an incoherent footballer
17:37and a 200-foot wall of searing white tooth enamel,
17:40it's a nightmarish parade of one lightweight item after another,
17:42like being force-fed marshmallows by a bastard in a glittery hat.
17:46Incredibly, this actually counts towards Five's news output,
17:49the stuff it has to broadcast as part of its public service remit.
17:53Still, they do cover the issues.
17:55Issues like, are hairy legs horrid?
17:57Why on earth would you not shave your legs? I just don't get it.
18:00Is Ricky Gervais funny or hilarious?
18:03And should you give money to the homeless or just f**k them off?
18:06Well, give them a sandwich, give them the time of day.
18:07They're human beings, but don't give them cash on the streets.
18:11Sometimes there's so much heated debate, you can't even hear it.
18:14But there is a way.
18:15That's why you think there's a weird double standard that goes on.
18:19Welles, we used to, we used to tell people to reach out to Welles.
18:21I remember that, I remember getting that.
18:22That is curtain rod.
18:23It's too much, and also there's a strange double standard that goes on.
18:26Largely though, Studio 5 covers celebrities,
18:28and it really cares about their well-being.
18:30David Hasselhoff, or can we say the Hoff, what's going on with this fella?
18:33Reports from America say he's been taken to hospital
18:35because of his drunken, drinking again even.
18:38Now, apparently 17-year-old daughter Hayley had to raise the alarm
18:42when she found him totally sozzled at his home in LA.
18:46It's the second time she's had to do this.
18:47Why does he keep doing this to his daughter?
18:48He's got to get a grip on it.
18:49Surely.
18:51Still, if you want entertainment news,
18:53where better to look than an entertainment news show?
18:55But surely if you're an entertainment news show,
18:57you should at least attempt to deal with the news aspect
19:00and not just act like an unconditional ass-kissing machine.
19:03For instance, those of you with long memories will recall last week
19:07we told you the story of Dappy from the group N-Dubs
19:10who'd made headlines by sending threatening texts
19:12even though he was helping front a government anti-bullying campaign at the time.
19:16He and his group were dropped from the campaign
19:18which was quite big news in the tabloids
19:20although live from Studio 5 didn't seem that interested.
19:22No idea why.
19:24Coincidentally, the following week, the band were guests on the show.
19:28They were interviewed live on air and quizzed for five and a half minutes
19:31with not one mention of the text story.
19:34Instead, they were asked which Brit nomination they wished they'd got.
19:37Best group, best breakthrough.
19:39Best breakthrough as well.
19:40There were other equally probing questions.
19:42So what have you all been up to? Enjoying yourselves?
19:44Holidays.
19:45Lovely day.
19:46Holidays.
19:47Sent any texts recently?
19:49Still, it's not surprising they were treated like kings
19:51because when you do ask difficult questions, as ITN did last year
19:54when they questioned the band's suitability
19:56to front the anti-bullying campaign in the first place
19:59you quickly get your knuckles wrapped.
20:01By putting yourselves up as a champion for children...
20:03We don't put ourselves up as that.
20:04You have by taking this role as ambassadors.
20:06But bullying, for me...
20:08From what I'm seeing right now,
20:10you're putting my band in a very, very uncomfortable position by attacking them.
20:13I don't feel I'm asking them how they can justify
20:17selling lyrics to children which is so explicit.
20:19That's a perfectly justifiable...
20:21We're not here about that.
20:21We're here about an anti-bullying campaign.
20:24It may not seem important
20:25but as celebs get increasingly involved with issues
20:28they're also increasingly able to get away with the sort of thing
20:30a spokesperson never would.
20:32The relationship between stars and the press is a one-way street.
20:35Put us on your show, plug us silly
20:37but don't act like journalists or we won't come back
20:39and neither will any of our other showbiz friends.
20:42But perhaps the worst thing about all this celeb slurping is it's boring.
20:46I mean, who really gives a toss about sunny as gold boots?
20:49It can sometimes be entertaining when the news gets a famous person on
20:52especially if they genuinely grill them.
20:55Just ask the Newsnight viewers who watched in astonishment
20:57as Mr Issues himself, Stingford Stingington Sting
21:00wandered unwittingly into the Paxman Thunderdome.
21:03Do you ever feel uncomfortable
21:06travelling between your various homes in various continents
21:10at enormous carbon costs?
21:13Do you ever feel uncomfortable about that?
21:16I think it's amusing red herring for the media
21:19to blame celebrities for the global crisis we're in.
21:24You're not being blamed for it, you're just being accused of hypocrisy, that's all.
21:28Yeah, time for the week in bullshit.
21:35Vigilance and the Home Office wipes away any remaining post-Yuletide cheeriness
21:39by changing its terror threat Facebook status to Severe.
21:44But what exactly does Severe mean, Home Secretary?
21:47This means a terrorist attack is highly likely.
21:51Shit.
21:52I have to emphasise the fact it doesn't mean an attack is imminent.
21:57Shit.
21:57All I would say to the public is that they need to be vigilant.
22:02Vigilant, okay, vigilant. What should I be vigilanting towards?
22:06Can you reassure the public that you haven't got anything that is saying
22:11an attack is about to happen?
22:12Some men are on their way right now.
22:15It's very important.
22:16The highest level of security alert is critical
22:20and that means an attack is imminent and we're not at that level.
22:24All right, so we're here, not here.
22:26I'll be this scared or vigilant.
22:28In the absence of any hard information regarding the threat,
22:31Sky contended itself with designing different graphics for the Theoroscope,
22:35ranging from pedestrian election night blandness
22:37to radar-rific Robocop HUD-style targeting wiz-o-vision.
22:41They do like their threat level indicators on Sky.
22:43They've also got an environment f***-o-meter
22:45and a Cameron Probability Gauge, which recently rose several Bullingdons to 38%.
22:51Channel 4 News went one better by plotting the historical ups and downs
22:54of the Scream-o-meter on a graph.
22:57Now, if you're finding the threat thesaurus confusing, don't worry.
22:59Implementing it's simple.
23:00Just calibrate your alertness pistons in line with the on-screen threat-o-meter
23:03so if your watchfulness notes are currently set to three, turn them up to four.
23:08Meanwhile, speculation over what had caused the terror hike was rife.
23:12The papers dreamed aloud about hijacked planes,
23:14Afghan conferences, Osama bin Laden, Irish militants.
23:17Giant spiders, Skeletor, you name it.
23:20Sky highlighted the increasing threat of female suicide bombers,
23:23which rather complicate the traditional terror profiling strategy.
23:26Police and security officials tend to spend more time
23:30investigating young men of black and Asian origin.
23:33Is it just me or does that look like an album cover?
23:36Anyway, chances are you're still not sure what you're being threatened by
23:39or how scared to be of it.
23:41To clear things up once and for all, what you need is the supreme clarity
23:44of a Channel 4 News interview with a top security expert.
23:48No specific target, no specific group, no specific threat.
23:51What are people supposed to make of this?
23:53Well, I think what people can make of it is basically this is a very clear message
23:56that they need to be more alert and more vigilant.
23:59So be more alert and more vigilant about nothing specific.
24:01It could well emanate from Pakistan or it could emanate from somewhere like Somalia
24:05or indeed Yemen.
24:06It could come from overseas or it could be a group within the UK already here in place.
24:10What are the chances of anything coming from Mars?
24:13Anyway, in summary, you should now be severely, not substantially alert.
24:16Keep an eye out for something specific or nothing specific, male or female,
24:20Arab or Western, imminent or just highly likely from Pakistan, Yemen or down the road.
24:26And don't panic, but do be vigilant to this level, not this level, this level.
24:30And if you're not sure where that is, look it up on your colour coded fear-o-meter.
24:34And remember, don't get it wrong or the terrorists have won.
24:39Well, celebrities on the news are one thing,
24:41but what happens when the news makes its own celebrities?
24:44Here's American miserablist and drunk Doug Stanhope with his view.
24:53I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink.
24:56Some people try to be celebrities.
24:58Other people have celebrity thrust upon them by the news.
25:01Charla Nash had it thrust upon her in the form of a 200 pound chimpanzee named Travis
25:07that ate her entire face.
25:10The news get a hold of the 911 call, which is absolutely horrific and terrifying.
25:14And out of some sense of moral obligation, a public need,
25:19they played the 911 call relentlessly.
25:22Please hurry up. He's killing my girlfriend. He ripped her face off.
25:26He ripped her face off?
25:27Which is the responsibility of the news to let the public know.
25:31The public needs to be aware of impending dangers.
25:35A hurricane is coming your way. There's a blizzard. A gunman's on the loose.
25:39Or perhaps brazen primates are eating the faces of suburban housewives.
25:44So they played the 911 call over and over across the country
25:49until Charla Nash was an American celebrity.
25:52She even has her own security guard to prevent the tabloids from taking photos.
25:57Kyle Maynard was a kid who was a high school wrestler.
26:00He made the news because he happened to be born without arms or legs.
26:04Again, there's a very pressing need for the news to make us aware of these problems.
26:09Point is, he gets on the news and now he's a celebrity who's doing mixed martial arts.
26:15Not very well. He's had one fight and he was pummeled, as you'd expect.
26:20How can you ever look good punching this kid in the head repeatedly in front of an audience?
26:26They package these stories as human interest stories.
26:30It used to be if you were born without limbs or a primate ate your face,
26:34whatever, you could go and make a decent living still on the freak show circuit,
26:38a carnival sideshow attraction.
26:40Step right up.
26:42Look at the boy with no arms and no legs, the human manhole cover.
26:46He's gonna wrestle Travis, the 200-pound face-eating chimpanzee.
26:49Step right up.
26:51Prepare to be horrified.
26:53It's a horrifying, terrifying event.
26:56Step right up.
26:56Two bits.
26:58At some point, they decided that was insensitive.
27:00So now they put him on the talk shows.
27:03Oprah Winfrey, who is the P.T. Barnum of the new millennium.
27:06And instead of a freak show, they call it an inspirational story.
27:10Next on Oprah, the woman whose face was eaten by a monkey.
27:14She's exploited exactly the same way,
27:17only now Oprah gets the two bits that she should have gotten paid.
27:20And they play harpsichord music coming in and out of the piece.
27:23And they say it's a triumph of the human spirit.
27:26And Oprah lifts the woman's veil to show a poorly reconstructed face
27:31and dabs the woman's tears where her eyeballs used to be.
27:35That's not inspirational.
27:37What is that going to inspire me to do?
27:40Oh, shit, if she can get her face eaten by a monkey and still go on Oprah,
27:44shit, I should get up and sweep off that patio.
27:47I'm inspired.
27:48No, that just makes me scared to leave the house.
27:57Technology and a billion geek eyes turn to San Francisco
28:01as Apple Emperor Steve Jobs unveils his latest creation
28:04in exciting scenes on Sky News.
28:06Nice to see you dressed up for the occasion.
28:09In punishingly dull coverage,
28:10Jobbo explained the new gizmo would be great at playing videos and music and blah, blah, blah.
28:15If there's going to be a third category of device,
28:17it's going to have to be better at these kinds of tasks than a laptop or a smartphone.
28:22Otherwise, it has no reason for being.
28:24Well, yeah, unless it's a big rectangle with an Apple logo on the back,
28:27then it's reason for being is to milk money from every ponce in the world.
28:31Some people have thought that's a netbook.
28:35The fools.
28:36Problem is, netbooks aren't better at anything.
28:41Yes, it's funny because it's true.
28:45Eventually, Jobbo revealed what we'd all been waiting for.
28:48That's what it looks like.
28:49Basically, it's an iPhone with increased size and weight and greater futility.
28:53But it's not just an illuminated oblong you can read Wikipedia on.
28:56The iPad also functions as a content delivery platform, an electronic burka,
29:00a twat indicator, a nose breaking machine, a handheld air conditioner,
29:03a chopping board and a threat level indicator.
29:06Essentially, owning an iPad will be like having the whole world in the palm of your hand.
29:10Well, both hands until you put it down to answer your iPhone,
29:14which is basically the same but smaller.
29:17Well, that's all we've got time for this week.
29:19Go away.
29:28Coming up next tonight here on BBC4,
29:30we've got the story of children's play with a double bill of hop, skip and jump.