• 3 months ago
First broadcast 7th March 2013.

Charlie Brooker

Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Doug Stanhope

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching a very special Weekly Wiper show about things
00:25that have happened over previous weeks, which is a way of telling you that this is a compilation
00:29episode. Aren't you lucky? Do you remember the Olympics? Weren't they great? All that running
00:35and throwing and jumping into sand. Britain seems a bit dull without them, which is probably why
00:40your TV has been keen to keep the Olympic spirit going with vaguely sporty nonsense such as ITV's
00:46Splash. Tonight, Olympic hero Tom Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive headfirst into the
00:54most terrifying challenge of their lives. Falling doesn't get tougher than this. Yes, in what is the
01:01most unedifying example of celebrity plummeting since Rod Hull, ITV have unveiled Splash, starring
01:07the nation's favourite CGI Pixar boy, Tom Daley, seen here walking around in his pants like a bloke
01:12who's misplaced his locker key. Tom Daley is brilliant at falling into water. Most people flail
01:18their arms around and shout, oh shoot, when they fall into water, but not Tom Daley. No, he's taught
01:23himself not to do that using mental processes. Here he is talking us through the intense drama
01:28of falling into water in the manner of someone under hypnosis recounting a previous life. When I
01:32step out poolside, I can smell the chlorine. I start to climb the steps. My heart is racing.
01:42I'm on the edge. My world stops. I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall into the water.
01:50Apart from falling into water, Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly famous
01:57human beings how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully odourless turds. At times
02:02you sense what ITV really want to broadcast is celebrity stripping, but Ofcom said no,
02:06so they cleaned it with chlorine and put it on Saturday night. I suspect the whole thing
02:10was a TV experiment to find out if celebrities are affected by the law of gravity and whether
02:14they fall quicker if they're more famous. There's probably people around the back in lab coats
02:18writing all the findings down and passing it on to future generations. Basically what I'm saying
02:22is Splash is increasing human wisdom by a factor of at least 40%. The falls they do are impressively
02:28complex. Sometimes they have to perform flips and turns, which is hard, and other times they
02:32have to impersonate somebody illegally dumping a dead horse in a canal or someone who's being
02:36executed by a single gunshot to the head on the side of a dredger, which is even harder.
02:41Then it's over to the judges to decide how good they were at falling. Two of the judges are
02:46experts at falling, and one of them's Jo Brand, whose main qualification to judge a diving contest
02:51is that, like all humans, she's 98% water. Of course, the intrinsic problem is that diving
02:56doesn't last very long. With only a few two-second money shots in a 90-minute show, the programme's
03:01forced to add more dubious filler than a Tesco value burger. That's why we're treated to
03:05underwhelming backstage VTs chronicling their belly-flopping journey and repeated slow-motion
03:10shots of each dive. In fact, it's only really enlivened by revealing questioning from Gabby
03:15Logan. Listen, getting hit in the ring must hurt. Hitting the water looks pretty painful too. What's
03:20worse? That's a personal question. There are also interminable poolside street dance sequences,
03:26because people in telly seem to think you can make anything seem contemporary and entertaining
03:29by drizzling a bit of street dance onto it. Seriously, the day we finally broadcast live
03:34hangings, you'll see these pricks doing this shit round the gallows. Splash is actually from
03:38Dutchland. The Dutchanese came up with it first, and their version looks exactly the same, but the
03:42people falling in it are larger. And they're still sort of celebrities, but only in Dutch.
03:46And because they all speak in Dutch, it's the sort of thing that should be on BBC4, really,
03:50because it's basically the same as Borgen, but with gravity in it.
03:58Before last month, I didn't know anything about Marley. There was no connection between Marley
04:02and me. I thought it was a film about a dog. But the world started paying attention to Marley after
04:06a group of Islamic militants took over northern parts of the country. As the depressing subsequent
04:11coverage made clear, life in northern Marley was grim. Islamic extremists had gained a foothold
04:16there, and were apparently making civilian life about as much fun as sitting through nine episodes
04:20of Paddy's TV Guide, with regular public thrashings for minor infractions. Unsurprisingly, the locals
04:26moved out in an evacuation, or exodus. Well, that's Marley for you. The Marleyan army tried
04:33fighting back, but they seemed underprepared. As a startling French news report revealed,
04:37they were genuinely having to train without ammunition.
04:46Someone answer that gun. They weren't the best equipped army in the world. Their uniforms were
04:50threadbare, and their weapons were jamming. Well, that's Marley for you. By contrast, as Sky News
04:57comprehensively showed, the extremists seemed heavily armed, with weapons apparently gained
05:01during the Libyan uprising. In fact, they had so many guns, they often seemed to just frolic about
05:05with them, like men playing with puppies. France responded by sending in troops, who took the fight
05:09all over northern Marley. They also sprayed paratroopers over Timbuktu, in what looked
05:13suspiciously like footage from 1943. The onslaught surprised both the Islamists and people like me,
05:19who thought Timbuktu was a made-up region of Narnia or something. As the Islamists fled,
05:24Sky News broadcast footage of the jubilant locals, recorded for posterity on a Commodore Vic-20.
05:30The people of Timbuktu were so delighted to be liberated by the French, they dressed up
05:34in celebratory costume for Sky's cameras, briefly turning Alex Crawford into Gok Wan.
05:39Look what this man has done. He's done the Viva l'Operation Cervelle. That's the name of the
05:44operation that Francois Hollande has given it. And then on the back, a big thank you to, not
05:49only to the French President Hollande, but all the other countries who've helped support this
05:53operation. That's quite a get-up. Get up, stand up. Well, that's Marley for you. While the scenes
05:59of celebration were genuine enough, what wasn't quite clear was who the routed extremists
06:04were. Whoever they were, there wasn't much footage of them, mainly just the chaos left
06:07in their wake, such as burnt-out cars and a strange emphasis on the book collections they'd
06:11destroyed. Do you know why libraries annoy Islamic extremists so much? Maybe they think
06:16the Jewy system was invented by Jews. In a sign the West is now taking the threat seriously,
06:21David Cameron committed troops to Marley, then hopped on a plane for a whistle-stop holiday
06:25tour of the troubled yet beautiful region, where he enjoyed the scenery, shuffled past
06:30traditionally-dressed locals, marveled at their detailed miniature leaders and fine array of
06:35mezze, and generally did his best to blend in with his surroundings. In summary, the situation
06:40in North Africa, and Marley in particular, is clearly one to keep an eye on. Well, that's Marley
06:49for you. There was this really clever thing about penguins, which are these sort of birdfish things
06:55that live in Scotland or somewhere like that. They're happy animals, which is weird because
07:00it's really cold where they live and they don't have jobs, so they all sort of spend their time
07:06sort of standing around on rocks or waiting in dole queue. It was narrated by Dr Who, who kept
07:13telling these interesting penguin facts. Hopping is faster than waddling. Because he's Dr Who,
07:20he knows what penguins think, so he'd tell you that too. He's nervous, but the march must go on.
07:27Sometimes when he couldn't think of anything else to say, he'd sort of just whistle.
07:39They made these robot penguins with cameras in them, sort of like an iPhone made out of penguin
07:45that can walk. It was funny because penguins are so stupid, they don't know what a robot is.
07:51It really ripped the piss out of them all the way through. The penguins were having this big
07:55festival, just like Glastonbury, where they all mill around looking for somewhere to camp.
08:01And the robot penguin went along to have a look around. And to blend in, he walked around like
08:07someone who needed his shit, but didn't want to use the chemical toilets. I think they sent the
08:13robots in to discover what penguins are up to, like when police go undercover to catch drug
08:18dealers or something. I mean, they didn't catch them doing anything because it turns out penguins
08:24are basically innocent and just sort of walk around on the beach thinking about fish. But
08:29if they had been criminals, that would have been it. The police could use those penguins to like
08:36infiltrate gangs or put laser guns in their beaks and use them to kill paedophiles.
08:41Making a robot penguin is clever, but it's dangerous, messing with nature like that.
08:46A robot penguin can't be killed. Even when you think it's going to die,
08:50it sort of just comes back to life, like in Terminator. It's terrifying, really.
08:55It's really cruel to leave the robot penguins there, because a robot penguin will just be
09:00alive forever, walking the earth, watching all the new penguin friends he's made get old and die.
09:06And he can't cry because they didn't give it tear ducts, so it'll just have to sort of
09:11shuffle around alone forever. Don't think I can bear thinking about it, to be honest.
09:23Publications and in a series of disturbing ads,
09:26tranquil lunch breaks nationwide are repeatedly interrupted by the invasion of a cheerful oak tree.
09:31So what do you think of the stories in this week's Take a Break?
09:34Dunno, what do I think of the stories in this week's Take a Break?
09:37Hang on a minute, haven't you lot got to go back to work?
09:40Nah.
09:41Oh yeah, yeah, f*** British industry. It seems no lunch break is safe from Mel's weekly inspections.
09:46Hiya!
09:47Hiya!
09:48What do you think of the stories in this week's Take a Break?
09:50Well, they're all a bit depressing, to be honest with you. I mean,
09:52they're all about death and disease and like...
09:54Hiya!
09:55Oh.
09:55Hiya!
09:56So, what do you think of the stories in this week's Take a Break?
09:59I don't know anymore!
10:00Haven't you lot got to go back to work?
10:02This is my work, Mel.
10:05A wave of recent tragedies in America left many over there calling for stricter gun controls.
10:10In fact, mass shootings are now so commonplace, they've genuinely started to make public
10:14information films on how to survive a massacre in the workplace. This is genuine.
10:28It may feel like just another day at the office.
10:30But occasionally, life feels more like an action movie than reality.
10:36This helpful video, which looks a bit like the most harrowing episode of The American
10:39Office ever made, teaches you how to react if a man with a shotgun goes berserk in your workplace.
10:44Apparently, you should run. If you can't run, you should hide. And if you can't hide, well...
10:50And commit to taking the shooter down, no matter what.
10:54Disgraceful. Look at that, there's four of them and only one of him. Cowards!
10:59Looking at this, it's little wonder the calls for tighter gun controls are growing louder.
11:02Well, they have to be loud to be heard over the constant sound of gunfire and screaming.
11:06It's a hot-button issue that's livened up Piers Morgan's CNN show considerably,
11:10as pro-gun guests turn up to shout at him.
11:13And I'm here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms.
11:18The whole country is going to die.
11:201776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms.
11:23The whole thing's become a sort of interactive game show,
11:26where the viewer has to decide who the biggest prick is.
11:28I don't know, is it the shouty prick or the slimy prick? I just don't know.
11:32The news also diligently covered pro-gun control marches.
11:36We will not step back!
11:40I wish you would. I can hear you from here, and I'm in Britain.
11:44But gun control faces an uphill struggle, because some sections of US society seem
11:48to love guns more than their own children, and they feel under threat.
11:52If only gun owners had some means of defending themselves.
11:56Fox News did their bit for trigger lovers with a QVC-style rundown of some of the
12:00most popular killing machines on the market, showcased by a hot markswoman,
12:04seen here demonstrating the type of gun used in the Sandy Hook massacre.
12:07Probably one of the most popular rifles in the US right now, thanks to all the media attention.
12:12Yeah, you know what? I don't know that the media coverage has made it popular with everyone.
12:16Everyone says it's so big and scary, but that's simply,
12:19these are cosmetic features that have no bearing on the firearms functions at all.
12:24Although, just to be clear, those firearms functions will kill you.
12:28My five-year-old nephew harvested his first deer about a month ago with my competition rifle,
12:33and he was able to make this fit him.
12:35There you go. So simple a child could use it, but not outrun it.
12:39Still, the young guns do start young in the US,
12:41and their guns aren't quite so cosmetically terrifying as 5 News graphically demonstrated.
12:46This one is pinky. It's my pink .22 AR-15.
12:52And then this one is pinkalicious, my pink .22 chambered pistol.
12:57But not all kids like guns. In emotive scenes on CNN, Obama announced his plans for gun control,
13:03flanked by children who'd contacted him to ask him to do something.
13:06You know, in the letter that Julia wrote me, she said,
13:10I know that laws have to be passed by Congress, but I beg you to try very hard.
13:18Julia, I will try very hard.
13:20Brave move, resurrecting the Jim will fix it format in this day and age.
13:25All of that is enough to make you wonder why anyone would actually choose to live in America.
13:28Well, here's drunk US comedian Doug Stanhope to try and convince you that the USA is great.
13:40I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
13:44America is fucking great, and it really is.
13:48I know you don't want to hear this from me, but that's the truth.
13:52Brits love to bitch about America, and they love to hate America,
13:56the government, and the wars, and the torture.
13:58But that's not life here. Come on.
14:00Life in America is actually fantastic. Everything works.
14:05Come here. I want you to be here.
14:06Just get a nonstop from Heathrow, go directly to Florida,
14:10walk down that ramp, and tell me if you can't immediately sense something's really good here.
14:16Rent a car, get a convertible, fill up the tank.
14:19Look at the price. Fucking $11 a gallon over there.
14:23Look at the price. You're going to fill up your tank.
14:25You're going to fill up the back seat as well.
14:27Just because it's that fucking cheap comparatively.
14:30Drive down big empty highways, drive to the beach.
14:34There'll be a half a dozen cabana bars open.
14:37It's only eight o'clock in the morning, and they're waving at you.
14:40They're smiling at you, and they're waving for you to come on in.
14:44They want you to be there, because they don't know yet that you don't tip.
14:48Come on in. Come on in.
14:51Have a seat at the bar. She's going to hand you a big breakfast menu.
14:54It's this big. You know what we have for traditional American breakfast?
14:58Choices. Yeah, lots of choices.
15:02You want some eggs? How do you want them done?
15:04We can do them 10 different ways.
15:05You want French toast? You want waffles? Pancakes?
15:07We have chocolate chip pancakes.
15:09They'll put a whipped cream smiley face right on there for your fucking British ass.
15:13Or maybe you want a whipped cream frowny face to match that dour expression.
15:19You're still trying to fight liking it here.
15:22Order a cocktail, and she's going to do something you've never seen before.
15:25She's going to pour it like this.
15:27She's going to go up and down, and she keeps pouring it.
15:30How can this possibly be right?
15:32In the UK, when you order a mixed drink, some scientist pops out of the floorboards
15:38with a lab coat and a system of weights and measures
15:42and a fucking stainless steel cylinder that assures that you will not get any more,
15:47even the vapors of more than one measured ounce in your fucking $15 cocktail.
15:53Life here is really fucking good.
15:56Yeah, we have a lot of dumb people here, but you can afford to be dumb here.
16:00Everything makes sense.
16:02You're lost.
16:02You don't know where you are.
16:04Where are you?
16:0577th Street?
16:06Go a block.
16:07You know what's next?
16:0878th Street.
16:09It makes sense.
16:10You don't have to think.
16:11It's not like your roads that are all crisscross and mishmash,
16:14and they're all built 1,100 years ago for donkeys and carts,
16:17and you don't know where the hell you are or where you're going.
16:20Hitler did his best to help the UK and level that country flat
16:26so they could start over like an extreme country makeover.
16:31And what did the Brits do?
16:33They spat in Hitler's face and built it back brick by brick
16:39exactly the way it was 1,100 years ago when it didn't make sense.
16:44Come to America.
16:45You can stay on my couch.
16:46If you don't like it after a week, I'll give you your money back.
16:56Oh, I wonder what's going on in the world.
16:58Well, our main story this morning is that at least one meteor has come down
17:01in central London, injuring more than 500 people.
17:06F**k you, Christ!
17:08Oh, my God!
17:16Forgive me, I think I just said that.
17:17Probably scared lots of people by saying central London, central Russia.
17:20Oh, thank God for that.
17:22It's just Russia's been destroyed.
17:23Yes, in a series of jaw-dropping, not to mention pant-browning images,
17:26it transpired great God Almighty had tossed a gigantic rock at the earth
17:30in scenes which occasionally resembled a celestial game of Angry Birds.
17:34It was brilliant fodder for rolling news channels,
17:36which have been in training for the end of the world for ages
17:38and now had a good dry run of exactly what it will look like.
17:42The blast blew out windows, rocked offices,
17:44disrupted otherwise charming school lessons,
17:48and injured hundreds, but most importantly, looked amazing.
17:51Giving the meteor story extra teeth,
17:53a massive asteroid was also headed for our fragile earth bauble,
17:56and the scientists who were promising it wouldn't hit us
17:58were exactly the same ones who hadn't seen the Russian meteor coming.
18:01As the death rock approached,
18:02The One Show put a jaunty collision clock on screen
18:05so you could count down the seconds until the misery of watching The One Show
18:08would be blissfully extinguished by the absolute destruction of all life on earth.
18:11Three, two, one.
18:16Oh, f**k. F**king life continues.
18:19Oh, f**k. F**king life continues.
18:27Defecation!
18:28And Andrek sends an enthusiastic Dawn Porter around the nation
18:32to voice damp bog roll on people.
18:33I'm here to talk about wiping bums!
18:36Oh good, because we're definitely here to listen.
18:38Fizzy Dawn drags her victims into a trailer and invites them to plop and wipe.
18:42How was it?
18:43It was okay.
18:44I'd give it 10 minutes if I were you.
18:46Not as moist as I thought they would be.
18:48What have you been eating? Horse?
18:50But that isn't enough, because for some mad reason,
18:53Andrek now wants to provoke a national conversation on bum wiping techniques
18:57by asking whether we scrunch toilet paper or fold it
19:00in a line-crossing advert that's presumably wiped its arse on someone's CV.
19:04That'll be square. Scrunch.
19:07Be fabulous. Fold.
19:11Scrunch like me. Number three.
19:13Can't wait for the next one in this series where they ask if you've ever got a bit of
19:16shit on one of your fingers by accident while wiping your arse.
19:19This, of course, is the first step.
19:20They're softening us up.
19:21First it's going to be, how do you wipe?
19:22And then it's going to be, oh, can I watch you do it?
19:25Before you know it, Andrex is going to be lying under the glass coffee table
19:28looking up and filming it on a smartphone.
19:30Behave.
19:31Don't know about you, but when I ate a burger, I used to think,
19:34hmm, what a tasty compacted disc of minced tissue scrapings
19:37blasted off a cow carcass with a high-pressure hose and a fly-blown abattoir
19:41ringing with the incoherent, agonised howls of simple beasts
19:43dying from a single boltgun shot to the forehead.
19:45But now it turns out it might not have been as appetising as that.
19:48Good evening.
19:49Supermarket shelves are being cleared of frozen burgers tonight
19:52after reports that some contain DNA from horses.
19:56A few weeks ago, the news went a bit silent witness Tesco edition
20:00as cheap burgers were being illegally cut with horse.
20:02Being caught out flogging a dead horse was bad publicity for Tesco.
20:06Many of us don't want to eat horse.
20:07We're not barbarians.
20:09Although barbarians are precisely the people Tesco apparently use
20:12to choose produce for their customers,
20:14as their alarming new ad campaign makes clear.
20:17That's the last time you're going to see that falcon.
20:19Unless you pick up some meatballs on the way out.
20:21Obviously, you can't trust flipping Conan here
20:23to possibly tell the difference between a cow and a horse.
20:26I mean, look, he probably thinks that avocado's a dragon's egg.
20:29Mind you, you never know what weird mash-up food you're going to get in Tesco.
20:32Those were probably laid by a horse.
20:34Bet that melon's full of pig guts and f*** knows how you make tiger loaf.
20:37And it wasn't just horse rearing up unexpectedly.
20:40It was also revealed some halal prison food contained an insulting amount of pig.
20:44Halal meat eaters were as stunned as halal cows aren't.
20:48But the steady gallop of nasty food stories was about to become a stampede,
20:52as the top story basically became...
20:56The horse meat scandal deepens.
20:58Thindas lasagnas have been found to contain up to 100% horse meat.
21:02100% horse meat?
21:04That is a complete mare.
21:06By now, the revelations were piling up like mangled horses at Beecher's Brook,
21:10and the news was full of more pink, meaty, glistening close-up shots
21:13than a year's subscription to Penthouse,
21:15as well as upsetting testimony from members of the public
21:18dismayed to discover they may have unwittingly noshed off a horse.
21:21For Alfie Green, beef lasagna was a tea-time favourite.
21:25Not anymore.
21:26So, will you be eating any more of these?
21:28No, not no more. We won't. Definitely not.
21:30Oh, come on, let's not be too hasty.
21:32Don't go mad. You'll miss out on this kind of gourmet experience.
21:36Oh, I bet your mouth's watering at home.
21:41To discuss the grim scandal,
21:43Sky paraded a paddock full of food experts on screen,
21:46some of whom did their best to lighten the distressing news
21:48by describing the crisis in the voice of Ronnie Corbett.
21:51Well, what's supposed to happen is that the supermarket checks on your behalf.
21:55Supermarkets are experts in food.
21:58You know what? He may sound funny, but he really knows the food chain.
22:01No, we talk about the food chain, and at one end meat comes out,
22:06and cows normally go in,
22:08but somewhere in the food chain, horses came in and meat came out.
22:13This guy is good.
22:15This whole thing has been a PR disaster for Findus,
22:18which is a shame because their lasagnas always look really nice in the lovingly shot adverts.
22:23I mean, look at that. No hooves sticking out of it or anything.
22:25That's it, son. Eat your horse. Giddy up.
22:28In the pre-horse meat scandal days,
22:30Findus used to run an impressively chic advert for their gourmet range,
22:33created by a suave French chef.
22:36Candles, wine, music, and the secret weapon,
22:41a recipe from Jean-Christophe Novelli himself.
22:43Yes, Jean-Christophe Novelli used to be the credible face of Findus lasagna,
22:47prepping the food in a notably horseless kitchen.
22:50I wonder if he's ever used horse.
22:52I mean, I'm sure if he has, he only used the finest quality Parisian horse.
22:56Created by me, frozen by Findus.
22:58And ridden by jockeys.
23:00We've been asked to point out that Jean-Christophe Novelli
23:03has in no way been implicated in the horse meat scandal.
23:07Of course, thanks to television,
23:08we've become accustomed to seeing food prepared in picturesque kitchens like this,
23:12whereas as Sky News starkly depicted,
23:14Findus lasagnas are actually made in places like this.
23:17In fact, rather than friendly Findus,
23:19they're actually manufactured by the less appetising-sounding Comigel,
23:22who supply lovingly mass-produced frozen dead animal gobble pots for companies all over Europe.
23:27The trail of suspect meat being detailed on the news
23:29like a map from Invasion of the Edible Horse Creatures.
23:32In fact, thanks to the charming accompanying footage
23:34we've seen of the depressing interiors of food processing plants,
23:37the whole thing is starting to feel uncomfortably close
23:40to the plot of the superbly depressing 70s dystopian epic Soylent Green,
23:44in which Charlton Heston discovers processed food
23:46is being manufactured from the corpses of recently euthanized people.
23:51Technology, and the humble Blackberries had it hard of late,
23:54with tough competition and tech problems denting its popularity to the point
23:57where, as Sky News forensically pointed out,
23:59its own users tried to kill it with hammers.
24:01It took about a month of intermittent bashing
24:04to actually break the Blackberry handset up.
24:07But now the Blackberry handset folk were attempting to revive their fortunes
24:10with an informative and exciting relaunch.
24:12Yes, they're replacing their outmoded pocket typewriters
24:14with something that looks like an iPhone,
24:16but is actually a mobile phone.
24:18And another thing that looks like a Blackberry, an is.
24:26But perhaps most startling of all,
24:28Blackberry now has a new global creative director,
24:31courtesy of an announcement straight out of The Celebrity Apprentice.
24:40Yes, Alicia Keys.
24:41They signed her because playing the piano and wearing hats are key business skills,
24:46and not because the CEO wanted an excuse to get off with her on stage.
24:49What's odd about the appointment of Alicia Keys
24:51is she's actually a big Apple fan.
24:53I mean, she did a whole song about New York.
24:55In fact, the only thing Alicia Keys has to do with Blackberry
24:58is she's black and wears a beret.
25:01And you wonder if she's ever really going to work.
25:03I'll see you in the office.
25:04Yeah, Monday.
25:07There was this amazing program about Africa, right?
25:10All about this country called Africa, which is why they called it that.
25:14There's always charity things saying Africa is full of starving people
25:18and you should send them your money.
25:20But that must be a con because you could see from the footage
25:23no one actually lives in Africa.
25:25It flies over for ages and there's literally no one there.
25:28And the reason no one's there is it's full of monsters.
25:31There's like sort of hairy men monsters and tall horse monsters
25:35that run around like deckchairs would if deckchairs ran.
25:37And these vagina head monsters that fight in ponds.
25:40It's really frightening.
25:41I'm glad it's miles away.
25:43Normally, animals are in zoos where people give them a sense of purpose
25:47by throwing nuts at them and watching them do tricks.
25:50But because there's no people left in Africa, the animals have gone mad.
25:55Like the elephants attack each other with their mouth sticks
25:59and the tall horse monsters have these head fighting competitions
26:04that look like they'd filmed Rocky inside two giraffes by mistake.
26:07It was a bit of a monkey and his bum was a state, right?
26:10It was all ragged.
26:11He looked like he'd been shitting, I don't know,
26:13metal hexagons or something to get an arsehole that torn up.
26:16But there's no doctors in the jungle so he has to just walk around with it like that.
26:20It's so bleak.
26:21You can tell the animals are depressed.
26:23Some of them are just smashing stuff up.
26:26Some of them can't eat anymore, you know.
26:28Some of them can't hack it so they just lie around.
26:31There was this gazelle that had hung itself.
26:34It'd show you amazing things you didn't know
26:36like how gazelles can float and how baby ostriches dance to music.
26:41And how when a cricket falls on the floor it makes a massive noise like it's made of metal.
26:49Just like how Who Framed Roger Rabbit had all the cartoons in it,
26:53this had all the animals, all the famous animals,
26:56crammed in together so the personalities clash in the jungle like I'm a celebrity.
27:01And they eat horrible things too just like I'm a celebrity
27:05but they don't mind if they taste of animals
27:07because they're already animals so they can't taste it.
27:11They nicked all this other stuff from reality shows.
27:14Like they have infrared night camera like on Big Brother
27:17so you can see what they do at night when they've been drinking.
27:20He may have style but he's turning out to be something of a disappointment.
27:26It's incredible what you learn.
27:28Like I discovered that no matter how majestic and incredible nature is,
27:33if my phone beeps I can just ignore Africa and check my texts without even thinking.
27:38So really if the environment goes to shit and all those animals die,
27:43you know, I think I'll be able to carry on.
27:52Hair!
27:52And a simpering husband dribbles his way through a glossy cheeseball hair dye ad.
27:56Kate and I've been married for 15 years.
27:58That's three moves, five jobs, two newborns.
28:01It's no wonder I'm getting grey.
28:02Grey? You're black and white.
28:04But Kate still looks like... Kate.
28:07Be weird if she looked like the late Richard III.
28:09I don't know all her secrets,
28:10but I do know Kate's more beautiful now than the day I married her.
28:13Yeah, well the day you married her she was pale and shivering with regret, you f***ing creep.
28:20Well that's all we've got time for in this special compilation edition.
28:23Until we see you again, go away.