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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00You
00:01:30You
00:02:00You
00:02:30You
00:02:35Who the hell's Roderick blank that would be me
00:02:42You ever see a guy walking down the street looking so happy and content you want to find the nearest brick and turn his face
00:02:48into hamburger meat
00:02:49I'm sorry that April morning. I was that guy I couldn't help it
00:02:53I had what I thought at the time to be at all excellent job excellent soon-to-be wife excellent life
00:02:59If only I hadn't let Trixie open that last email
00:03:02What would you say if I broke out in the song right now?
00:03:04You know how this good mood thing of yours is killing me Rod and yet you persist
00:03:11Stop stop
00:03:13We're never gonna get through these emails. Oh
00:03:17Here's a beauty from Lester
00:03:19re
00:03:20bachelor party stripper crisis
00:03:22Have I told you how grateful I am that I'm a lesbian
00:03:25Delete delete my god men like Lester the reason death now was invented. I was a man above temptation
00:03:32Other women had lost all appeal
00:03:35one in particular
00:03:37They called her death now even though technically she hadn't killed anyone
00:03:42different hairstyles different outfits different spray-painted messages
00:03:50The same comatose result
00:03:54It was all we could talk about that spring five dates leading to subversive seduction and ending in endless slumber
00:04:02She was the worst thing to happen to men and the best thing to happen to media in quite some time
00:04:08Needless to say I had picked the perfect moment to be getting out of the game
00:04:14For every guy or gal there comes a time when you say it's time
00:04:21Meet Fiona Wormwood my wife to be
00:04:24Stop staring perv
00:04:27It's funny
00:04:28Looking back. She was not the sweetest girl in the world
00:04:33But when it comes to the person you're spending the rest of your life with you want a bit of a sting
00:04:39Your married friends call you up for a barbecue
00:04:43They tell you it's time your parents tell you it's time
00:04:50The whole damn universe tells you
00:04:57Don't make me the villain I told your sister exactly how many pounds she had to drop to fit into that bridesmaids dress
00:05:05enough
00:05:06Let's talk about orchids
00:05:08Orchids, yep, it was time. Okay, if you can tear yourself back to work. Thank you. I've downloaded the Big Mac
00:05:14I mean the matador. I
00:05:17Don't know it looks like to all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun to me boss
00:05:23Hey, that's very special sauce lettuce as for the excellent job part of my life
00:05:29I like to tell reporters it's always been my dream to work in a fast-food restaurant
00:05:33I was being cute our place was different, you know
00:05:37Classy the plan was simple swab up the food names sleek the uniforms Starbucks the decor
00:05:44Welcome to swallows one swallow cornucopia to go
00:05:48Have a startling and unique day you too
00:05:52Please Trixie. Tell me that was the last goddamn email. No, there's one more. Hold on
00:05:58Didn't say who it's from. I
00:06:01Don't know I'm getting like a virus vibe here
00:06:05Okay, it's your life. Oh
00:06:10That's weird
00:06:13It's a list of names must be more wedding bullshit. Well, they're all women's names
00:06:18Number one it does the name Patricia Franchini ring a bell Patricia Franchini. Whoa, I haven't heard that name in
00:06:24Patty and I were co-captains of my high school debate team her main claim to fame being that in classic backseat driving fashion
00:06:31She took my virginity
00:06:33Clan of the cave bear was the movie
00:06:35Drive-ins now a staples. What did you say? This list was I didn't unless Allison Bradbury is the second girl you ever had sex with
00:06:43Whoa
00:06:45He's saying this is a list of everyone you ever had sex with
00:06:49Well, that would be Debbie Roberts, no wait she was four
00:06:54Who was the spooky drunk girl at the 4-h fair I had to drive her home because her brother was
00:07:00Daisy Mila's Ross. Yes crazy Daisy
00:07:05Mila's what Ross?
00:07:06Who sent this? Is it some?
00:07:09Pre-bachelor party trick of all the girls I've loved before but who would know about Daisy Mila's Ross. Damn Robert
00:07:16This is an insane amount of pussy. Well, thanks. I don't know if I'd call 29 women insane
00:07:21I guess some guys might be impressed by the big two nine, but I racked up most of those numbers as an undergrad
00:07:28Sparky there's more than 29 wild oats on this list a lot more tricks T
00:07:34Now it's not like I'm one of those silly guys that keeps track of how many
00:07:37All right, fine. Every guy is one of those silly guys
00:07:40It's not the ever delightful Fiona Wormwood suit to be Fiona blank is indeed numero 29, but dude the list keeps going
00:07:47closing out at
00:07:50101 that's impossible. Wait April Fool's Day today, isn't it? That was yesterday. Today's the second
00:07:58One of the guys Zach Chico Lester not Lester, especially Lester
00:08:03What better way to mess with me and then by sending me the names of all the women I've had sex with
00:08:08Teasing me with an obviously made-up roster 72 more tantalizing female names to symbolize all the fine trim
00:08:14You'll be sacrificing once you get married
00:08:20You sure you don't have a Carlotta Valdez shacked up somewhere, I mean according to the list she's next up
00:08:26Carlotta Valdez
00:08:29Followed by Cynthia Rose
00:08:31Oh my well, whoever did this show put in the hours printed
00:08:42So now, you know the last goddamn email a list
00:08:49Every woman I ever followed by every woman
00:08:55No comment
00:09:01Party
00:09:15No, no, no, no one said anything about this going down at my house Lester what this is my house
00:09:20He only gave us permission. Oh, you're insane
00:09:25Interesting email today. Hmm
00:09:27Worry not I found a new stripper. I know not the stripper crisis the the cookie one the list
00:09:33What list the list of me talking about names?
00:09:39Turn that up
00:09:41rule six
00:09:42No ham radio operating
00:09:44Get it
00:09:46Breasts no ham radio operating rule seven. No checking the oil get it
00:09:54Vagina, no checking the oil
00:09:57And I loved the touch of adding to the list the names of women
00:10:04What list oh, yeah what hey you two jokers in the back show precious some respect
00:10:10This is a bachelor party. It ain't fun and games
00:10:14Who wants to play musical laugh dances?
00:10:27Oh
00:10:58Hmm you call this decadence
00:11:03If only women knew the bachelor party the best commercial for marriage
00:11:08Aim for your cup. Hmm. Uh, no, thanks cars
00:11:17Laughing at the old
00:11:20Hey, what about you you're walking around your own party. You're obsessing about your form of conquest
00:11:25Well, it's actually a little more complicated. I was fine until this morning. This is easy. No, no, no, I don't want to see it
00:11:32You don't want to see it. No, you probably sent it to yourself when you were drunk if you're looking for a way out
00:11:38right
00:11:39You'll find it
00:11:40No, it's nothing like that. I stopped looking
00:11:43Hang in here for another hour get married next week
00:11:46Have a kid reinvent the tater tot make a lot of money have another kid say, thanks Zack. Okay. Thanks Zack
00:11:51Mm-hmm. Maybe you're right. Yo, girl
00:11:56grand finale
00:11:58Don't worry
00:11:59Lester's paid for it
00:12:02Jax
00:12:09Yeah, give it to me big boy, that's where you like it. Oh, yeah
00:12:14Harder
00:12:16This is my oldest he's four
00:12:18Fuck me. This is your oldest Wow. He's a good-looking kid. He's gonna break a lot of hearts. Yes
00:12:24Yes
00:12:25Yes
00:12:28So are you planning on having kids with your well definitely yeah, but you know right now we can't agree on what kind of dog
00:12:33Whoa precious. I told you I don't want to cross the line. Whoa. Oh
00:12:38gosh
00:12:40I'm so sorry. I I honestly thought you were kidding about all that men can be feminist to stuff
00:12:46Can you blame me for the confusion just cuz I'm giving him a standing ovation my darling doesn't mean that we have to you know
00:12:53I I think we've got it
00:13:04Fiancee it's lucky. She's got one of the good ones. I wish I was more into successful white dudes, but um
00:13:10to broke Latin husband
00:13:12Jesus stop me. Anyway, man. Gracias. Seriously
00:13:16Gracias, um
00:13:19Precious your real name wouldn't happen to be Carlotta
00:13:25How does
00:13:26How did who told you that?
00:13:30Well, I think your bodyguard might have mentioned it like that asshole knows my real name
00:13:36so you stand back there or
00:13:41Was it so quiet in there
00:13:44Carlotta Valdez
00:13:46Number 30. This was more than a bachelor party trick
00:13:51more than a loyalty test
00:13:54This was sex
00:13:56And I had a printout. I
00:13:59Was in the throes of a sacrilegious epiphany in possession of a magical document that promised an
00:14:06Embarrassment of bitches and yet did it void my earlier rather impassioned soliloquy about how it's time to settle down to marry Fiona
00:14:14Right, then I nobly revowed my eternal resistance to other women
00:14:19Remember how freaked out you were when you first noticed the centerfold was younger than you
00:14:25Yes, the central trauma of every American male
00:14:28Look at this baby, and I mean baby born in 1984
00:14:351984 my life was like done by 84. What are our turnouts? Hmm?
00:14:44Pudding air hockey and pudding bimbo said pudding twice. I
00:14:51Do like air hockey
00:14:54Cynthia Rose is looking for a man who's confident successful with a nice set of abs
00:15:01Well zero out of three ain't bad
00:15:04What did you say her name was?
00:15:08Cynthia Rose nice
00:15:17Dude you're not gonna buy the issue
00:15:23I
00:15:29Call you Carl
00:15:30You're talking to me. You ever fantasize about escaping car
00:15:35Escaping this land this magical land of the newsstand where all the girls are
00:15:42About to pull off their panties, but they never quite do
00:15:48Must be kind of frustrating
00:15:50Look, if you don't like the merchandise, babe
00:15:54I
00:15:56Found this on your dashboard
00:15:59It's a unique color kind of like the one the Parkside beeper wears
00:16:06Wait
00:16:09Look I have a disease. Okay, and you could say that I too am a victim because hey, no Carl don't get me wrong. I
00:16:17Think it's kind of hot. I
00:16:20I mean, how would I know you were watching if I wasn't watching you?
00:16:27You've been peeping on me peeping
00:16:31That is hot
00:16:33wait, I can't I can't tell if you're playing some feminazi mindfuck game on me or if you're really
00:16:40Trying to seduce me
00:16:42Well Carl, why don't we go back to my hotel and find out?
00:16:47Pussies to bomb no
00:16:51This is a joke, right
00:16:55Ten seconds on the shot clock Cody
00:17:00Come on
00:17:02This kind of stuff only happens in the movies. I'm the only one working the shift. I
00:17:08Get out of here. Are you gay?
00:17:11Are you impotent?
00:17:16Are you just chicken
00:17:34Honey sweetie, look your tuxedo
00:17:38I
00:17:46Perhaps it wasn't time after all. Don't worry. I didn't cancel the wedding or anything. I'm not an asshole. I
00:17:53Needed to figure things out
00:17:56Of course, I didn't bring up number 31 Cynthia mrs. April Rose. I stuck to the basics
00:18:03It's not you. It's me. I
00:18:06Don't want to get married just to get married. I think I even threw in a things have been crazy at work
00:18:12Fiona took it well
00:18:14too well, I
00:18:16Think my sweetie has a little case of cold feet
00:18:20You're nervous. I'd be scared if you weren't
00:18:23It's more than that fee. I said, I think my sweetie has a little case of cold feet
00:18:29You're nervous. I'd be scared if you weren't I'm being honest. We're getting married in 11 days Roderick
00:18:34We are past the point of honesty
00:18:36We have a goddamn church booked
00:18:39deposits
00:18:41Orchids and you drop this on me right now before I'm about to get on a plane to go away with the girls to a
00:18:47spa for the weekend you
00:18:53Orchids
00:18:56It was one thing to upheave my own life but to break the heart of another was too much for me
00:19:05I told Fiona what she needed to hear and provided the requisite snuggles
00:19:11That's when I saw it
00:19:14No, not that this
00:19:19Pardon my fucking French, but we're talking about a fucking centerfold here fucking a fucking centerfold if you will and believe me I will
00:19:28Last fling like this. I'll never have to look at another woman again, right, right?
00:19:35Oh
00:19:47Back the lime bro
00:20:04Oh
00:20:28Fiona
00:20:31Hey fee
00:20:33Probably already on the plane. I just
00:20:36Wanted to apologize again for this morning. I don't know what's going through my head
00:20:41Is that your car?
00:20:43Bad connection. Yeah
00:20:46The geeks are revolting like literally my name is Cynthia Rose you can call me sit, okay
00:20:53The guy was so serious you must be so proud of those I was like, dude, they're my breasts
00:20:58They're not my S&P score. So I thought if I flashed him and shut up, but you knew the whole story about I'm sorry
00:21:05I forgot how long did you say you've been living on this planet?
00:21:10Coffee became cocktails cocktails became dinner and dinner became
00:21:17You guessed it
00:21:23Air hockey
00:21:26Darnit I thought your centerfold said air hockey was your game. Are you always a suave and arrogant?
00:21:32Well, it's only two of my many adjectives
00:21:35Can't believe I'm talking like this. I'm getting married in less than two weeks
00:21:39My fiance's doing this bachelorette spa thing this weekend. I wait a minute. You're getting married. Yep
00:21:47That changes everything
00:21:50How would you like to do me a favor favor what kind of
00:21:56Don't worry blend in sex
00:21:59Yes, number 31 Cynthia runners, you know, this is the most maniacal shit ever tricks
00:22:04I'm sure there's some logical explanation for all this
00:22:09I'm not gonna wait around for it. Peace
00:22:11I
00:22:14Cynthia Rose wanted to bring a presentable man home to daddy the favor would last another 24 hours
00:22:21Meeting another father under the guise of boyfriend felt more like cheating than the cheating but as paper beats rock
00:22:29desire beats guilt
00:22:30Desire beats everything. I just said that I like baking and the next day the centerfold family came up with this concept
00:22:37It's like a built-in kitchen set with this apron that don't use the word family, you know as well as I do
00:22:43They're just making you an accomplice in your own exploitation. Well, that's better than not being an accomplice in my own exploitation
00:22:50You asked me what makes a man Roderick and I'm going to tell you what makes him actually I hadn't asked a man
00:22:56But there was no stopping Victor Rose the third. Yes. Her father was the Victor Rose entrepreneur extraordinaire
00:23:04Getting to have sex tonight was gonna be more complicated than I could ever imagine
00:23:07My parents believed in tradition honor dignity faith and free trade and separate bedrooms for couples that are not married
00:23:17A toast to the fiery Rose family me
00:23:22Sorry
00:23:23Roderick every family has a sick grandmother and granny see just happens to be really old and really scary stop
00:23:30Mother deserves some respect not to be treated like a leper despite her grotesque skin disease
00:23:40Dessert Roderick, are you decent?
00:23:50Desired Roderick
00:23:53Oh
00:23:56You asked if I was decent you didn't ask about yes, my roommate in college always used to do that
00:24:01Okay, no place better with you lots
00:24:04Believe it or not. You did pretty good tonight
00:24:07Great that old bear down the hall is gonna be simply crushed when we break up
00:24:12Your father seems pretty serious about the separate bedroom unit
00:24:17Greater the danger the greater the thrill
00:24:20That's what I say
00:24:22Give me five minutes. I'm two doors down to the left
00:24:26Some guys have this annoying habit of stopping to ask me if they're breaking me too hard
00:24:32Don't ask and don't stop
00:24:35Poor place for losers
00:24:39Hmm better make that three minutes
00:24:52I
00:25:22Oh
00:25:47Who died it's alright Roderick
00:25:50Mother prayed for this day many times. She's at peace now. I can keep my son coming
00:25:58Say hello to Vic jr. Mommy
00:26:01sin
00:26:03Sir, I'm so sorry. You must really yeah, whatever. She was ancient and my brother was a jerk
00:26:10What was with you last night? Why didn't you come?
00:26:13Come with your father barging in like that didn't really have a lot of time for either one of us did the jackpot
00:26:18You know as I say
00:26:19First you don't succeed try try again. What are you talking about? Why didn't you come to my room?
00:26:25I didn't see you at all. I guess it was pretty dark
00:26:27But mother had the strangest sweetest little smile on her face
00:26:31I'm convinced that her last moments on this mortal coil were ones of pleasure
00:26:37When you said two doors to the left, did you mean your left or my left what are you talking, I don't know I guess it was
00:26:44My left why?
00:26:46My left why
00:26:51Granny see happens to be really old and
00:26:54See as in Cynthia as in Cynthia Rose as in number 31 on your list as in there's more than one dipshit
00:27:02You fucked my mother
00:27:16And
00:27:21If you were to put your hand on the bun I
00:27:26Raced home to tell Fiona everything
00:27:28Okay, not everything not anything
00:27:31What woman a week before her wedding wants to hear about some crazy list of women not to mention?
00:27:36I mean really not to mention her future husband's involvement with an 88 year old leper. I
00:27:40Was sure Fiona would take me into her arms
00:27:43Instead she just took I never liked this couch fee
00:27:57Fiona what have you done? Why are you getting off easy? And you know it I
00:28:04Don't understand I adore you I want to make you my wife
00:28:08It's like you've got this
00:28:10Lost far away look like you're thinking about the hundreds of other women you plan to sleep with before you die hundreds
00:28:1870 at most keep going
00:28:21You're the guy who notices
00:28:24haircuts
00:28:25You never forget Valentine's Day. We just have the right
00:28:29Supportive thing to say even if you don't mean it
00:28:33You're not some evil sexist jerk Rod, so who are you I am someone that will love and support you
00:28:45It's not in the world exam
00:28:50I'm gonna get up off this couch now
00:28:54Walk to the door
00:28:59Do I want you to stop me
00:29:04Yes
00:29:07Just as my hand is on the knob I want you to tackle me and
00:29:16Hold me and tell me that you can never let me go while tears stream down both our faces
00:29:23But you better mean it Rod
00:29:27Because right now
00:29:30You're just one of the bigger mistakes I've ever made
00:29:34But if you convince me to stay and you can't back it up with every inch of your soul
00:29:43Then you will be a true villain
00:29:45You
00:29:56Good call buddy made the right decision to play but it's not like you had much of a choice
00:30:07Okay, what's happening
00:30:10Where am I
00:30:12Who are you people hello, mr. Blank, I'm alpha he's beta and that's Fred
00:30:21We're here to tell you everything. Mr. Blank. This isn't a dream and it isn't a dream within a dream either
00:30:27You're not gonna wake up at the end and I'm your gardener and these are your pool boys
00:30:31This is about the list, isn't it?
00:30:34Of course, it's about the list. You must be freaking out. Seriously. What number are you at right now down Fred?
00:30:43Mr. Blank
00:30:46Some people you don't know found some things you don't know in a place you don't know
00:30:51And these things have been very useful in making a new thing one that apparently knows everything a
00:30:58thing that knows everything like a
00:31:01computer
00:31:02supercomputer I
00:31:06Prefer the word machine
00:31:08Now this machine will take a few lifetimes to figure out and I wouldn't go as far as call it an oracle but it is
00:31:17Oracle esque
00:31:18Last week it sent out about 2,900 emails answers to questions. Nobody asked not us not the email recipients
00:31:27Almost everyone received nothing more than an individual date day
00:31:32month year
00:31:35You're very lucky you didn't get that one. Mr. Blank. It was a day of the recipients death
00:31:40But then there's you
00:31:44Yes, a few of the emails drew an unnatural attention to themselves
00:31:48Yeah, but yours is the best far and away a list of
00:31:53Everyone you're gonna have sex with oh me this this other poor dick got the same list
00:31:59One name the wife that he lost his virginity to what a sad
00:32:04Fred
00:32:08Mr. Blank, I think you know where I'm going with this
00:32:13If people were to find out about the machine it would cause panic and confusion. You're threatening me
00:32:22Not to be a smartass
00:32:24If your little oracle is for real and I can't die before betting down the last lady on the list
00:32:31Grant finally meet you. Mr. Blank. The door is at the end of the hall. Yeah, and if you have any questions
00:32:38drop in any time, bro
00:32:42Can't believe I believe all this
00:32:44You do and we appreciate it
00:32:47You've been guaranteed a robust sex life. Mr. Blank. That should be enough for you
00:32:52Lose the list burn it bury it whatever you need to do
00:32:55Burn it bury it whatever you need to do. You let the list in your life will infect every fiber of your being
00:33:05Bye-bye
00:33:23Like them
00:33:25Seems sensible
00:33:27Hey, hey
00:33:29Almighty all-knowing guys, you just confirm the validity of a list of a hundred and one sure things
00:33:36Okay, so a list like that doesn't get burned or buried
00:33:41It gets used and I mean it gets it gets like crazy
00:33:45Montage sequence used French new wave learning Gymkhana. I can't believe they could afford that song montage
00:33:52It's fucking
00:33:55He's going to fuck a lot
00:34:26I'm surrounded softly
00:34:35Still dumbfounded by the
00:34:42You came close to me and you dance
00:34:52Game
00:34:55Me
00:35:06I'm saving that seat for Friday
00:35:09What's your name?
00:35:11Kathleen mr. Manners
00:35:13That's a shame
00:35:15What did you say? Oh, I said that's a nice name
00:35:18Roderick plan
00:35:20first and last names a formal
00:35:23Up
00:35:25Here's my standing up friend and colleague Greta Samson. This is the guy took your seat Greta Samson
00:35:32That's fantastic
00:35:34What would you like a slow nasty fuck on the coffee table? Would you like that with Picardy or Myers party?
00:35:43Did you know I was talking about a drink maybe
00:35:53This your only piece of ID you swear you're not named after anyone else in your family
00:35:58Listen, you're cute, and I'm drunk and my plane is grounded until tomorrow. But if you want
00:36:15Noreen
00:36:22Leslie and Yuka
00:36:32Julie you're having my sex
00:36:49We could be some very good
00:36:52If you let me in
00:36:56The higher the case the longer the wait, please let this poor boy say you're having my sex
00:37:13I'd said I was mature and content
00:37:16But if you have to say that stuff out loud, it can't possibly be true
00:37:21I thought I was above all the hot chicks high-five beer commercial bullshit. I was above nothing
00:37:30The list was life have a startling and unique day. Mr. Blank. Thank you
00:37:39Wait a second. How did you know my name?
00:37:41Swallows is the case study my business class
00:37:44Thought I'd get some firsthand experience and make a little money at the same time very little money. That's fascinating
00:37:51Alexis
00:37:53Alexis the large wait a minute. How did you know my last name? Yeah. Yeah, that's the way you like
00:38:06Pull my hair what up to the window
00:38:12Starting and you
00:38:21I
00:38:24Pulled August I went from number 29 to number 62
00:38:28Maybe I was moving too fast
00:38:30Then I guess I was supposed to I crossed out the names that remembered the faces
00:38:36their stare
00:38:38My stare we think if we exchange the meaningful stare the meaning will kick in later, but does it?
00:38:46One or both of you try to say something like it's just sex but is it
00:38:53You think sending me a bunch of roses is going to make me
00:38:57You think paying my car insurance is gonna make me forget that you cheap
00:39:01A stuffed animal. I overheard a waitress that you paid off for car
00:39:05First to Roderick blank stop having hot sex get your ass up to the house for a barbecue
00:39:10It is my boy Max's birthday for my son Kyle be here
00:39:16I
00:39:25When my wedding was canceled there had been a chill among the married folk
00:39:29You'd have thought I'd left them at the altar
00:39:32But now they kind of liked having me around. I
00:39:36Was their circus freak
00:39:39The ladies man
00:39:42Lizzy
00:39:44Lizzy's an amazing woman's attic. I mean what she's done with that clinic
00:39:49But she's raised her two kids. Yeah. Yeah, my wife's in the goddamn Saint now this stewardess
00:39:54Did she say come on my ass or come in my ass?
00:39:58Roderick's definition of having children is a little different than ours. Why raise them when you can pork them?
00:40:05How many times do I have to tell you? I didn't know she was your niece
00:40:08besides she's
00:40:10Nineteen and a half and I found it to be very mature for age
00:40:19Husbands wives
00:40:22kids
00:40:23Families, it was not just a world. I was supposed to want it was a world. I genuinely wanted
00:40:29What's life without experiencing the wonder of a child I?
00:40:33I
00:40:34Name a hamster dog
00:40:37And when I get a dog, I'm gonna name after you
00:40:42Mr. But
00:40:50You're about ready
00:40:53Yeah
00:40:59You know, maybe they're right I should lower the old periscope for a while hold out for someone special
00:41:04Special if the subject is cooking or crabgrass then you can listen to marry people
00:41:09Come on
00:41:10You're hitting baskets from everywhere on the court. This is no time to go back to the bench. Hey, I'm Bob
00:41:16Rod is it? Yeah, my apologies. I just I couldn't help but overhearing you're a good fortune with the female of the species
00:41:23I'm hoping it'll rub off and why is that kind sir? Oh
00:41:28funny story
00:41:29One morning about five months ago
00:41:31I came to work and right there in my computer screen a day a month and a year a date
00:41:37Today's date. I'm utterly convinced that it's a sign the night that I'm to meet my soul mate
00:41:44You know the bars to procure lodgings down the street at the hotel taboo
00:41:50Spicy
00:41:52wait
00:41:54You received an unexplained date as an email. Yeah
00:41:59Your next drinks on me
00:42:02I'll break
00:42:13I
00:42:31Like to be the meat in that fairy sandwich so out of your league in so many ways
00:42:43Oh
00:42:47Is that Bambi and Thumper
00:42:52All right tricks, they're all yours
00:42:55I'm out
00:42:56Where's he?
00:42:57What league are we talking about? You don't know Bambi kid and bumper went
00:43:02the Euro frog rock superstar in the British astronaut
00:43:06Rod the vlog the reality show the daily streaming video
00:43:12They are the beyond ultimate lesbian power couple they go from town to town
00:43:18Raising awareness on important issues by empowering young women and then seducing them. I'm hoping for an autograph
00:43:27Or a three-way
00:43:29Go back off that will be my friends. It's not about buying the flowers
00:43:35It's not about pretending to ignore them
00:43:39It's all about just knowing
00:43:42I know easy for me to say
00:43:47Bambi and
00:43:55Why are they staring at you
00:43:58You've got to be kidding. Don't tell me one of them's on that fucking list that list of fucking
00:44:02Oh, one of them is not on the list
00:44:12But you see even before the list I always knew
00:44:17Just knowing beats any gift tactic or opening line
00:44:22No matter what the sexual orientation
00:44:34Wish me luck. I may be coming in late tomorrow
00:44:41Hey
00:44:49Hey, hey, hey, I found her she's the one what a night
00:45:00What a night indeed
00:45:02Hey, um, have you thought any more about my offer my love? I mean yours are nice. Don't get me wrong. Really
00:45:09Really nice, but is it really such a thing is too big. Let's just enjoy this moment
00:45:16All right, just you know with my position of the company. I I get a 40% discount on whatever kind of implant you want Bob
00:45:22Seriously, enjoy the moment. Okay, you win
00:45:28My wounds are deeper than your desires
00:45:32My wounds are deeper than your desires
00:45:36Drink don't mind if I do
00:45:44Is a gentleman surprised that he's here. No, the gentleman is not how did you hear that? Miss cares?
00:45:51Very cocky axon on the cock in this way
00:45:56I
00:45:59Boy my assistant is gonna kill me that is so sweet. He is trying to talk to us
00:46:04Man guy to sign the confidentiality agreement on the table
00:46:09now
00:46:10The kind sir doesn't stand a vegan doesn't tell her friends
00:46:16That she just wolf down the grease
00:46:19I
00:46:21Yes, the kind sir understands kind of bottoms up
00:46:51You
00:47:22Oh
00:47:28It's like everyone's having a good time tonight, huh?
00:47:31So what do you say about round two? I may need a little about 30 minutes and I'd like you to meet my family
00:47:36That's okay. I was thinking I'm from up. Oh
00:47:41My god, is that paint does that come off?
00:47:45Why would you do that? I put this room on my credit card. What are you trying to do?
00:47:48Imitate that disturbed woman who's going around? Oh
00:47:52Dear
00:47:55Can I say Bob
00:47:57Some dreams are too true to be good. I
00:48:01Must say you're being a real cunt
00:48:03Uh, I didn't say it cunning woman. You are that's what I was help
00:48:12Tell me you were faking it miss kids. I know when you're faking it and you did that thing with your toes
00:48:17Bambi thumper, please
00:48:23Okay, maybe fight a little more
00:48:31The camera roll it cameras rolling. Oh
00:48:35No, no, no, you scream. You can't film this. Well, you didn't know the confidentiality agreement. That's really a release form
00:48:42Don't change the subject
00:48:46Oh
00:48:50Help me somebody is her she's here. I
00:48:53Think they're kind of having some problems of their own there, but please just tell me what you want from me
00:48:58Why don't you sleep on it, Bob?
00:49:01Take forever if you have to
00:49:03No, please, please, please. Wait, just wait. Wait, I
00:49:06This is not fair. It's not like I hit you or roofied you or or openly exploited you and it oh
00:49:12This is the breast implant thing, okay, look I'm just the company accountant I keep the books
00:49:17Please all I need to know is why I deserve a good reason
00:49:21Why do men always get to have reasons do you think women get to have reasons when they get attacked?
00:49:26I want everyone on red alert here. Although you do bring up a legitimate point
00:49:31I mean, you're not master bitch slap or the parkside peeper or even that captain of the lacrosse team who?
00:49:42Ah
00:49:44Bob
00:49:50Pilgrim guess it was just your time. Oh
00:50:02Yeah tonight
00:50:12Oh
00:50:16What time do you have to be down at the new location
00:50:19Trixie
00:50:20Hey, I'm sorry about last night. If it makes you feel any better. It was the most traumatic night of my
00:50:26Okay, one wasn't all bad
00:50:28I'm sorry. It's always been a fantasy to be with two women at once, you know
00:50:33lesbians rock stars
00:50:34Astronauts, okay, maybe not astronauts, but you know sexy female space travelers. You're getting the finger to the intercom box, aren't you?
00:50:42I know I know I lied about it being on the list the list. Damn it
00:50:46don't get me wrong piece of paper that tells me whether or not I'm gonna get lucky I'm gonna say anything bad about but
00:50:52it's it's like
00:50:55Watching a tape of a football game and you know, your team wins
00:50:58It's not unenjoyable
00:50:59But can it really compare to watching the game live and they're going for it on the fourth down and you don't know metaphors
00:51:05Aren't my thing
00:51:06But it sounds like you're going for the thrill of the pursuit is more exciting than the conquest. I can't help it
00:51:12I mean, I see the name
00:51:14I want to find her and meet her so I can cross her out and I can get to the next name
00:51:19I'm not in control of my own destiny. That may be true
00:51:22Like you're not supposed to know that you're meddling with the primal forces of nature. I mean
00:51:29My god, am I on the list too?
00:51:34You
00:51:42Got scared there a little didn't you you were more scared? Yes
00:51:47Trixie
00:51:48What if I were meant to be with these women no matter what?
00:51:52What if you were meant to bury the list and come back down?
00:51:56You know
00:51:58If we bury the list, guess what?
00:52:01You were meant to bury the list
00:52:04Live your life
00:52:06Whatever happens happens
00:52:12Sheet of paper not a body sheet of paper not a body
00:52:20Yeah, it's time
00:52:25Breathe roderick. Yeah breathe
00:52:29Yes, I have deleted all remnants of the list on my hard drive
00:52:32But remember a weak one we are putting a tulip to mark the spot if you wuss out we will dig it up
00:52:37Wait, one more name. All right, please
00:52:42Couple of letters I'm gonna give you
00:52:45Talk to me, please one more letter. What's that gonna make one? I don't know
00:52:53Don't grab it
00:52:56One more letter that's it
00:53:02I'm starting to take a liking that Trixie. I think she's a very good influence. It's not gonna happen beta. You can't bury something
00:53:09that precious
00:53:13Death now
00:53:14Pretend victim last night a double-digit rule when a serial killer hits 10 we get called wait
00:53:20Like we don't have enough on our plate. I thought she only did comas last night
00:53:25But on the side of the bright home base says machine has taken an interest no way he's really doing it
00:53:32Quick before I change my mind way to go Roderick
00:53:36Way to go
00:53:42Rod you're missing this they crossed into our territory. We could lose this
00:53:47Isn't it exciting?
00:53:49If we blow it again in the red zone, it's coming to a bad taste in my mouth
00:53:53I said last night. Hey Lester. What are you feeding your turtle? Oh anything that'll make him sick. I'm sorry skippy
00:54:00But daddy's gonna see that veterinarian
00:54:03What this is nothing I saw this freak in the parking lot try to shove a bottle opener in a great Dane's ass just to get
00:54:09An emergency appointment. Are you talking about the vet over on Vera Donna? Oh Lizzie threatened to put mr
00:54:13Whiskers to sleep if I went near that place again
00:54:16She is so pretty but not in like a I'm a model don't fucking look at me way
00:54:20And she's just so smart and funny, yes, and you know what I love about her my favorite thing we should correct your neck
00:54:26Mm-hmm. What about that silver anklet of hers?
00:54:29You know, if you can't make it to the clinic, you should try the gym on Wednesday or Trader Joe's on Thursday
00:54:35Well, I do like Trader Joe. Yeah, it's all in a dr. Miranda storm website website up in there
00:54:39Yeah, it's put together by one of these real stalker geek types. Well, thank God. You're not one of those
00:54:44Ladies, we got a football game going on here enough talking about the X chromosome, especially the almighty
00:54:50dr. Miranda
00:54:54Dr. Murr
00:54:58Is he smirking you're smirking wise Brad smirking interception
00:55:13Perfecto I can still make Miranda's 420 Starbucks appearance sure is a macchiato with extra foam
00:55:20Use some caffeine myself. I'll come with no, you're not getting anywhere near her might as dick fine
00:55:25I'll go to Dietrich's and I got work to do. Anyway, please not just this one time. Don't seduce this
00:55:50Oh
00:56:14You
00:56:16Always carry a bottle opener this little guy. It's been through a lot. I
00:56:21Quit my job today because of this bottle of her
00:56:24Not so great day long story
00:56:29Why are you staring at me?
00:56:31Don't worry doc. I'm not one of you stalkers if I were I'd be at Starbucks about now with me
00:56:37You've seen the website
00:56:40I've heard about it. I've heard about you
00:56:43Really well you missed out. It's quite good. It's got great graphics challenging quizzes
00:56:50It's obviously caused me to rearrange my rituals
00:56:58You're not gonna use your spoon are you
00:57:12You
00:57:16Okay the bottle opener I'm gonna let slide but the spoons start talking a
00:57:21Place like this. It gives you a knife a fork a spoon wrapped in a napkin of a knife the fork the napkin
00:57:28They all get used
00:57:29Most cafe items. They don't call for a spoon, but that little guy gets thrown in the washing machine over and over time and time again
00:57:38without a sense of worth
00:57:41Not only compassionate to furry creatures, but inanimate objects as well. There's gonna be some fun in the chat room tonight
00:57:49You're doing it again, but funny charming staring thing
00:57:59It's not unpleasant
00:58:02But you should know that I
00:58:04Recently got out of a very bad relationship, so I'm yeah, I just I just got out of a lot of bad relationships. I
00:58:12Promise I won't fall in love with you as long as you promise you won't fall in love with me
00:58:20Oh, I promise
00:58:22You
00:58:28Favorite wanna get one two three, that's great over Dylan one two three Nashville skyline
00:58:38Funniest movie ever made one two three
00:58:43Guys and dresses that's really reinventing the wheel there
00:58:52Oh
00:58:54Those tingling thriller the pursuit feelings came flooding back, so then came wish three I
00:59:00Said I wanted a pumpkin as a head
00:59:04Sure I had the whole dr. Murr thing from my peak at the list to glue me into where Miranda and I were heading
00:59:09But this would be more than a romance
00:59:12More than a mere checking off of a name
00:59:16This would be love why rush the sex
00:59:22Wheel and take back the carts in the front and this poor bastard in the middle probably hasn't been pushed in months tragic
00:59:28It's true. You know what it is. You know you say you've been looking for an idea for a children's book
00:59:32How about all these inanimate objects of yours the spoon that never gets used?
00:59:37Missing sock that reunites with his twin
00:59:40The multi-cd player that tragically gets turned off seconds before probably finishing a five-disc shop
00:59:50That's so it
00:59:52Yes, it is
00:59:54Roderick
00:59:57I've been looking for you all my life
01:00:07The best
01:00:12Okay the cheek thing had thrown me a bit, but there's nothing like a warm kiss coming after delicious home-cooked meal
01:00:22I
01:00:26Was back in the kitchen, yeah, and the chef thinks you're pretty great. Oh
01:00:33I'm sorry. I'm just just not okay. Just just relax. It's okay. No, we got it. I
01:00:43Adore you I do. I'm just screwed up about sex
01:00:52I mean you're handsome
01:00:54devilishly so
01:00:57It's just you so remind me of
01:01:01The guy my mom went out with after the divorce rockin Randy
01:01:05He ran the surf shop and he was a cross between you and Bam Bam from the Flintstones
01:01:12Listen okay. Look. I'm not saying nothing's ever gonna happen between us. I'm not saying that I'm just
01:01:17I'm
01:01:20Just saying if it's gonna happen
01:01:23It's just gonna happen
01:01:25Right. Yeah, really why worry about it?
01:01:32You're the best
01:01:34I'm gonna clean up
01:01:37You can pick out another DVD something funny
01:01:48I
01:01:50Guess you could say that's when the madness set in
01:01:56So Miranda and I went to the Fellini retrospective yesterday, oh she said the coolest thing
01:02:02If Marcello were alive fucked her yet
01:02:07What is with that question have you fucked her yet
01:02:17Fuck
01:02:24Let me tell you something Miranda, and I are building a bond of trust and respect
01:02:30Excuse me for still believing that love is something more than a sloppy fusion of genitalia
01:02:36Then we need to discuss something
01:02:38Oh
01:02:43No, just hide me sure
01:02:46Frida Kahlo looking dude. You're not right. Oh, yeah
01:02:50I met him at this Halloween Poe poetry reading thing. I can't believe I slept with him
01:02:58Halloween two weeks ago Halloween I told you I'm totally screwed up about sex screwed up about sex you just screwed up about sex
01:03:05It's more like you're screwing. I
01:03:07Come on let's go somewhere else
01:03:10Bam Bam
01:03:17Back in the day if a woman didn't have sex with you it was okay
01:03:22Because it wasn't like she was having sex with anyone else
01:03:26Where is that whore bitch Jane Austen when you need her?
01:03:28I chose to remember the good times the way Miranda made you feel like you were the only one in the world
01:03:35That time she read my slaughterhouse reform bill
01:03:42Wonderful just wonderful
01:03:46But then there was that next day at lunch, how was that salad for you?
01:03:55Wonderful just
01:04:04And in conclusion
01:04:06That go ahead crucify me, but I refuse to live in a society that has reduced the world to the question
01:04:12Have you fucked her yet?
01:04:14That would be no
01:04:18I don't even think you've seen her naked
01:04:29Wonderful just wonderful fuck
01:04:35I'm not saying nothing
01:04:54Doctor
01:04:56Haha, that's what I'm talking about. Yes, dr. Mirabella stone
01:05:02No
01:05:03No
01:05:18Don't mock me Miranda told me she was coming out of a bad relationship and no one has ever had sex coming out of a bad
01:05:24Relationship. Oh, we're moving way too fast. I'm not feeling well
01:05:30Someone wants to have sex with you don't have sex with you. The rest is just dinner theater
01:05:35So that's it
01:05:36The machine. Oh, no, the machine is much
01:05:40Sure, the wall has a connection
01:05:43Thanks gonna be the death of me. Oh, come on. Come on. Cheer up droopy drawers
01:05:48I mean look on the side of the bright even if you went down to a tropical island
01:05:53Island all right
01:05:55The remaining 34 chicks on this list would be renting jet skis to zoom down there and party with you
01:06:02Whether you liked it or not. I don't like it. I don't want other women. I want Miranda
01:06:07I'm in a good sport with this thing. No, it's a little weirdness at the beginning, but I went with the flow
01:06:12I sabotaged the wedding. I lost deposits. I toyed with a lot of people's feelings including my own
01:06:18But I didn't care. I
01:06:21Care now I
01:06:23Have found someone that touches me down to my marrow and if you think that some contraption is gonna you know
01:06:30You know, sometimes love is stronger. No, it's not
01:06:41I
01:06:44Was so proud of you when you
01:06:46Were bearing the list in the backyard his horoscopes psychics to roll cards
01:06:52Coming attractions that they give away the whole movie
01:06:55Why must you people know everything?
01:06:58That's a good point Alpha sir
01:07:00Remember when you said the machine was a mystery
01:07:02That could mean that there's some kind of kink or flaw something that we don't know about the machine. Mr. Blank
01:07:07It's progress. There's nothing you can do about it
01:07:12Science and technology don't care whether we live or die. Oh
01:07:16Excuse me. Oh
01:07:21My god, oh my god, I the solutions been right in front of us the whole time. What is it blowjobs?
01:07:28Oh blowjobs. Oh, man. What a loophole. All right, sex is work. All right, you know, is she having a good time?
01:07:35Am I meeting her needs you got to think about her feelings?
01:07:37But with a blowjob you just lie back every now and then touch the back of her head if you think she's getting tentative
01:07:43I mean seriously if someone gives me an intercourse buffet or just a blowjob on a stick
01:07:48I'll take a blowjob on a stick dude. No you people you people are sick
01:07:53I've given my heart to Miranda. I want to cradle her in my arms
01:07:57I want to make the kind of love what you feel as though you're one living breathing
01:08:01You really think she might go down on me?
01:08:03That's now
01:08:06Let's just put to sleep an entire fraternity in Fresno
01:08:10Eight members death now
01:08:12What what do you guys do for a living again? It's the double-digit rule when a serial killer hits ten victims. We get call
01:08:18No, no, I'm still getting details
01:08:21apparently
01:08:25Apparently it was the same frat house that was acquitted last year for manufacturing the date rape drug
01:08:40DN put her own drug in the cake
01:08:46Is that amusing to you Roger no, I'm just checking my messages the almighty machines reps about to take another hit
01:08:53They love the concept they love the drawing
01:08:56They're gonna publish the book rod. I owe you so so much. There's no way we are not celebrating tonight
01:09:04Okay, so I'm gonna be at your place
01:09:06H-sharp ready for action
01:09:09I still love you
01:09:13You are a very lucky man to have found such a soul mate, mr. Blank, but unfortunately in her voice
01:09:18I you don't even need the bizarro list. She doesn't think of you Roger
01:09:26I'm certain that's a very interesting things will occur this evening
01:09:31Your penis going into her vagina will not be one of them
01:09:37But have a lovely evening
01:09:40gentlemen, I'd love to stay in chat, but
01:09:43I'm gonna date with a lady
01:09:55I don't think he's even seen her naked
01:09:57Oh
01:10:06Hey author
01:10:08Author, thank you. JK Rowling eat shit. I'm so sorry. I'm late
01:10:14It's just it's it's been crazy, but I told everyone that we'd meet him at the bar. It's my treat for once everyone
01:10:20I thought tonight was between you and I make the pesto
01:10:27That's so sweet, but why we got to go out we're celebrating
01:10:32My brother and the two Jessica's they're already there, but you know what? It's no big deal
01:10:38Let's just hang for a bit, you know a little pre-party dude, I thought we were past this
01:10:48No
01:10:51Uh
01:10:53Miranda, I I know you once said you weren't attracted to me, but that was before he went on a camping trip
01:10:58That was before I loaded the graphics program into your laptop before why is it that men think that women?
01:11:04Women are like these giant
01:11:08Thermometers at those telethons or every time you do something nice for them
01:11:11They get a little better and a little better and a little better and a little better when we hit the top
01:11:16We have to fuck that is not funny
01:11:20Okay, I'm sorry
01:11:29Hey, what are the five scariest words
01:11:40You know, it's like some bad stand-up routine
01:11:44just
01:11:47Just
01:11:49Do you know how important it was for me to make one real friend in the city I
01:11:56Would die for you
01:11:59Who do you think I'm dedicating my book to my insane parents
01:12:05To Roderick blank my friend
01:12:09I
01:12:18Celebration
01:12:20Oh
01:12:35Man has one tough break girlfriend finds out a little books getting published
01:12:45Not my girlfriend
01:12:48For what it's worth Mario we're satisfied that death is just an accident just
01:12:55Excuse me officer. I wanted to give mr. Blank the opportunity to say goodbye to his girlfriend not Mike
01:13:01Can I be alone with her?
01:13:08Miranda Oh
01:13:11Precious friend
01:13:15You know, I never wanted this I
01:13:18only wanted
01:13:21And they said that we could never never ever be together
01:13:27But hey, we're gonna have to last laugh are we not love
01:13:40Okay
01:13:46Now that I think about it, maybe this is where the madness set in yes, I know my beacon of light this is
01:13:52This is sad. This is
01:13:56Desperate this is disgusting
01:13:59But on all revolutions
01:14:03You have to stand up to the list
01:14:05Stand up to the machine
01:14:08Stand up to fate
01:14:12Stand up soldier. Oh, come on stand up
01:14:37Oh
01:14:59Let it out. Mr. Blank. That's okay. Let it out
01:15:05Poor sweet, man
01:15:07Poor sweet handsome, man
01:15:37Sorry
01:15:48Believe me. I'd hoped it was a dream sequence, too
01:15:52If it makes you feel any better my tale has a satisfying ending
01:15:57But this isn't it
01:16:00It's only number 67
01:16:07I
01:16:37I
01:17:07I
01:17:13Nobody has said happy new year to you. Thank you
01:17:17Esther Fenchel, but your friends call you Terry. No, that's strange because that's my husband's name Terry
01:17:26Nice tie
01:17:32Just leave the ball
01:17:35Gentlemen, I give you the matador
01:17:45Eating and starving and eating and starving I was told to take some time off
01:17:52To get away from it all for a while
01:17:56But there was no escape I had noticed a lot of French German and Italian names on the list
01:18:02So I dutifully booked passage to Europe
01:18:05Hearing of all the magnifique women my friends concluded that I had had the greatest vacation of all time
01:18:11I'm glad they enjoyed it
01:18:35Good evening. You have to fuck me. So come over and fuck me. No dinner
01:18:40Do you have a pen? Let me give you directions
01:18:51Hello Oh
01:18:53Start 69. Yes
01:18:55It was a crank. I'm sorry
01:18:58Your mother picked up fainted. Oh my god. I'm so sorry
01:19:03Why are you laughing
01:19:06In my own feeble way, I had tried to defy the list
01:19:10But once again the list knew what it was doing what I was doing
01:19:15But guess what? I was about to meet a woman. That was the answer to all my problems
01:19:22Hope
01:19:25Roderick
01:19:30I've been trying for years to get a rise out of my mother. You did it in five seconds
01:19:38Name your poison
01:19:40Hope heartlight was the author of a best-selling self-help book. I found her to be warm
01:19:46compassionate and a little old
01:19:49So I wasn't attracted to hope Hartley. It's not like I was gonna get out of having sex with her
01:19:54So to her surprise, I asked her out again
01:19:57Figuring we'd eventually accidentally end up having sex and I could move on
01:20:02But a funny thing happened
01:20:05Hope listened Oh
01:20:08guided
01:20:09Hope was literature after ten months of pop-up books
01:20:13chess after ten months of checkers
01:20:16You're a chapter 17
01:20:18May she spring eternal as for my friends
01:20:21What do you think hope was an earth mother goddess put down here to save the sinner's soul
01:20:26If you let her go, I'll bring her back
01:20:29You know, you strike me as the kind of guy who would make fun of a one-month anniversary celebration
01:20:35You've changed me
01:20:38You've healed me
01:20:46It's a really beautiful thing to say
01:20:49You know, I've got that book signing next week in Vermont
01:20:54I'm thinking maybe you should come with me. They've got a terrific bed and breakfast up there
01:20:59Oh my god, we could just sleep late on the day. I don't have to work of course
01:21:04But you could just hang out all day
01:21:07Walk around naked in the backyard. There's nobody there. It's all
01:21:12Hope heartlight didn't really vanish in a thin air like that
01:21:16It took a couple of weeks
01:21:18How could being the answer to all my problems not be enough if a friend of mine had been going out with hope I'd be
01:21:23So proud of him guess that's the problem
01:21:26I'd be proud but I wouldn't be jealous and a man would rather have another man's jealousy than another man's respect
01:21:32Man hate to say that one out loud
01:21:37Okay
01:21:39So maybe hope wasn't the hottest piece of pie you've ever been with
01:21:43But Roderick I was so proud of you
01:21:46That's married guys are taking a lot of heat over this one big guy. It seems that you broke some
01:21:50Messing with the feelings of a woman over 35 Covenant. I thought we agreed we weren't gonna do an intervention
01:21:56No, we agree. We wouldn't use the word intervention. Of course, it's an intervention
01:22:00Okay, all right still under the illusion that out there walking around is the perfect girl just for him
01:22:16Investigators have been hoping and praying for all year and now channel 9 gives you an exclusive first look at this dramatic license
01:22:25If you're just joining us death knells seduced and sedated
01:22:29Misogynist shock jock DJ Harry hunt during a commercial break on his morning drive time program. I appreciate everyone's concern
01:22:37Oh
01:22:41Trixie turn that up. They really catch that satanic succubus. No, and the words freedom fighter
01:22:49Let me guess I'm gonna bet that a real name is not death now
01:22:56Ray that name again folks Jillian de ray death knell is
01:23:03Jillian de ray Jillian de ray
01:23:06The X is silent. It was a name that sounded familiar and when a name sounded familiar. It usually meant
01:23:16Okay
01:23:17This wasn't happening. I
01:23:20Know what you're thinking
01:23:21Surely I would have memorized the last name on the list not to put too fine a point on it, but why?
01:23:27No one wants to think about the last name on the list because the last name on the list means
01:23:36Where's he going?
01:23:50Fred oh
01:23:52It's kind of funny. It's not like she's the next one
01:23:55She may not be the next one, but she sure as hell is the last one
01:23:58Hey, you know, there's got to be another woman on the planet whose name is Jillian de ray with her last name spelled with a
01:24:04silent X calm down
01:24:06The Jillian de ray may not be the Jillian de ray
01:24:10As you can see the machine is closing in on the one known as death now the timelines have been just a little off
01:24:25More coordinates at this rate
01:24:27I'd say a couple of weeks from now by in the March the Oracle will tell us where Jillian de ray staying at the precise
01:24:33Moment she's staying there now. I'm assuming mr.
01:24:37Blank that you can hold off from having sex with how many 20 20 20 different women in the next two weeks
01:24:42Hey, I've had sex with three women in my entire life and none if you don't count paying for it
01:24:48I could live off 20 women now. We can tell you not to have sex
01:24:52But you have to go beyond that now
01:24:55You have to take your mind to a whole other realm
01:24:58I
01:24:59Read a book you've always wanted to read
01:25:00I find model airplanes can be an exacting but ultimately rewarding model airplanes are great
01:25:05But I got to go back to the blowjob Fred
01:25:08not constructive
01:25:09How do you feel about biking? I?
01:25:13Can't believe these are the kind of conversations I've become a part of
01:25:17He's still in torment. Give him one one one. Oh
01:25:21Yes
01:25:22our aforementioned
01:25:24Oracle while rather erratic and
01:25:28capturing criminals has
01:25:31Come up with the answers some of our culture's most significant mysteries
01:25:35And I think we can't give you one of them any of the biggies, okay?
01:25:40Who killed Nicole Simpson around Goldman you're kidding. Yeah, I'm kidding. Let me see let me see how about who really shot JFK
01:25:47No pick another one that takes like 20 minutes to print out okay life on other planets
01:25:51How many planets in the universe have 11 11? That's it. That's it. How many more do you want?
01:25:57Way to say does God exist cut it out. You only get one please you guys are mean
01:26:02Oh, you don't want to be in La on July 4th weekend beta enough
01:26:13The 20 human shields between you and Mr.. A be conservative
01:26:18Don't use up any of them until we catch the villainous
01:26:24Remember
01:26:27New realm of existence
01:26:30existence
01:26:32No sex
01:26:35No death
01:26:37Good luck
01:26:57Yeah
01:27:27I
01:27:37Never believed the wild and lascivious letters in your magazine were true until now
01:27:45My best friend was cycling upstate when his bike hit a pothole
01:27:49Sending him head over heels
01:27:51Lucky for my buddy a bus on its way up to an up with Jesus jamboree stopped in the students of a
01:27:57Non-denominational Idaho Bible College lifted his dazed bruised body and put it in the middle of the aisle
01:28:03He thought they were going to help him
01:28:06Instead they helped themselves
01:28:09Among the girls of the bus there had been much talk of the albatross of not having lost one's virginity
01:28:15my friend's appearance on the road was taken as a sign a
01:28:20Pact was made
01:28:22Everyone's virginity must go and he would be the chosen vessel
01:28:26all virgins
01:28:28all 18 year olds
01:28:31uniforms
01:28:331918 year old virgins in uniforms
01:28:37Straws were drawn and first up was Mona Farlow
01:28:50Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck me fuck fuck fuck
01:28:59Fuck
01:29:01fuck
01:29:04Fuck it was a day. My friend would never forget
01:29:09Any changes before we mail it in but please stop I can't take it
01:29:14I'm curious was there a lot of blood
01:29:20Sorry, never mind Wow the ultimate male perversion you can die now. Well, that seems to be the problem
01:29:38Have I told you all the good news I'm getting married
01:29:41The lucky gals name is Ethel Walters and I hope you can all make the wedding Ethel Walters
01:29:47Do we know her I don't know do you I really need to get in touch further right away
01:29:51Does the name ring a bell with anyone?
01:29:54Maybe you should lie back down
01:29:56You know what?
01:29:58Where was the driver in all this because I get that the church group chaperone was on another bus
01:30:02But you can't tell me they let the second group of girls just transport themselves the driver. Yeah, I
01:30:08don't seem to
01:30:11That's fine, yeah driver
01:30:14It's a whole lot of action going on back here, but I get myself a piece
01:30:18Yeah, now you relax. You're skinny little white girls ain't tattling on nobody
01:30:29You can't have sex with me
01:30:31Roderick, it's me Trixie. I'm not gonna rape you. You know that just leave me alone. Get up you big, baby
01:30:39Got one word for you Qantas you are going to Australia your flight leaves in the morning, so start packing
01:30:45Okay, I can't escape. She'll rent a jet ski and she'll track me down. I was on the net all night
01:30:51I found another Jillian DeRay. Oh, yeah that spells her last name with a silent X
01:30:58She's a marine biologist based outside of Sydney
01:31:00Oh this picture, which one's the walrus
01:31:05She's big bones with a healthy appetite for life asshole. What is what is that on her face?
01:31:10It's a rash from her exploration of the barrier reef. Oh
01:31:15God
01:31:16Roderick you'd rather die than have sex with an overweight woman with a slight skin condition
01:31:23Which is it's not that slight. It's not that bad. It's just it's just a little bit too much
01:31:29It's not that slight
01:31:31Trixie, I'm sure she's a great. Um, I got you some books to read on the plane
01:31:36I have underlined some very good conversation starters. Don't help me. You do not go down under and seduce this Sheila
01:31:42Well, I do like dolphins
01:31:45Trixie
01:31:48No matter what happens thank you for being there you're a true pal
01:31:56It's good to be a lesbian, isn't it?
01:31:59Send me a postcard jerk
01:32:02With a koala on it
01:32:29I
01:32:54Please don't port me
01:32:57If you insist hot rod listen the Almighty Oracle has come through we have
01:33:04Confirmation death knell is gonna be down here at the Mayfair Hotel
01:33:09I've entered her room. Mr. A's not here at this precise moment, but her things most certainly are
01:33:16Friends, I've got chills
01:33:20Fred babe
01:33:21You guys wait, it's April Fool's Day, isn't it? It's 10 after midnight officially April 2nd
01:33:28Yes, Roger. Oh, we have quite a welcoming party planned for the nasty mix. Oh
01:33:35This is
01:33:37This is amazing
01:33:39If you don't know what it's been like and I have found the loophole of all loopholes
01:33:46It's not blowjobs and it's not handjobs. It's X's
01:33:52Ex-girlfriends. All right. I want just listen check the names on the list. All right, do any names appear twice any doubles?
01:33:59All right
01:33:59No, then don't tell me that you've never hooked up with some ex-girlfriend for a little uh, you know
01:34:06Remember when sex oh, you're right. I had sex with Laura Baxter every time I came home for Christmas, but she's only listed once
01:34:14And whenever I travel through st. Louis, I always stop in on Diana Scott
01:34:17We're gonna get you some re-election sex right talking about Grover Cleveland Poon Tang
01:34:23Go back to hope number 80 what you had was real. She'll take you back. Yes, there's hope
01:34:29I've had so many wonderful fascinating women in my life. I've never really been worthy of any of them
01:34:34Oh, don't listen to beta. Do not listen to him. He hates boners and fun
01:34:38All right
01:34:39What you have to do is you gotta find that school bus and you gotta hook up with those little Bible brats
01:34:45Numbers 81 through 99 or maybe give 84 a pass with the back sits and you just get
01:34:54Yes, right there get one of them to change her name to Jillian DeRay
01:35:05The theories on the table are adorable, but Roderick be cool
01:35:09Jillian will be at the hotel any minute and our organization
01:35:13But we don't believe in
01:35:14trials and arrests
01:35:16So I want you to hang tight and do not I repeat do not leave your house
01:35:23Okay, call you when she's dead. All right, I'll be here
01:35:27Thank you. Bye
01:35:42I
01:36:12You
01:36:42You
01:36:47Did you really think I was gonna get off easy
01:36:50Did you want me to I?
01:36:53Know I promised you a satisfying ending, but there will be no triumphant return to Fiona hope or anybody else
01:36:59There will be no chasing a cab. No stopping a wedding. No tearful
01:37:05reconciliations on a train platform and
01:37:08No morning flights to Australia
01:37:11To escape the sins of my April 2nd to April 2nd saga would feel so so wrong
01:37:19Yes, my true destiny was staying at a hotel downtown. I
01:37:24Was going out with a lady called death
01:37:28No, God a machine could help me now
01:37:32And that felt so so right
01:37:41You live by the sword you die by the sword
01:37:46one sexual position left
01:37:50Call it the Karma Sutra
01:37:54The end is coming and coming is the end
01:37:59Checked all the sectors Fred, you know, my name is not Fred. It's commander Delta it just go in
01:38:10Excuse me miss death now, or do you prefer Jillian? I'm not afraid of you anymore
01:38:41Oh
01:38:51You caused quite a commotion out there, is there something you wanted to tell me tell you no I
01:39:05Hi
01:39:08Age it's there's agents staked out at your hotel in your room
01:39:15Thanks
01:39:19You know, I'm not innocent right? Yeah
01:39:26Can it can I join
01:39:38Oh
01:39:53This place is amazing. No, I'm kind of in the business. I've never heard of it. Yeah, I just discovered it the other night
01:40:01There are not a lot of places in this town. Let's stay open late
01:40:07You know, I
01:40:09Sorry, you go. No you go
01:40:12You know, this is strange for me
01:40:16I've never had a volunteer before
01:40:20Some guys will do anything to get laid
01:40:22Oh
01:40:35This has a grape aftertaste
01:40:40And you do realize that I can't guarantee when or
01:40:44Or even if you'll wake up
01:40:48Yeah, I understand
01:40:52You
01:40:57Might have to ask you you tell me if this is too personal but
01:41:03How did you get here, you know in the larger sense
01:41:08It's not like I'm gonna be telling anyone for an indefinitely long period of time
01:41:16No, I don't
01:41:19I'm not gonna talk about my childhood, you know, because that's not what
01:41:25My childhood wasn't any better or worse than anyone else. Okay, it was a little worse
01:41:31But uh, but I escaped
01:41:35That's where I studied poetry and chemistry
01:41:39Obviously better at the latter than the former. No, I wouldn't say that. I mean, I really enjoy your writing
01:41:49You're right these spices to look amazing I
01:41:53Mean, I've only read the stuff that gets printed in the paper after each incident. But what was it? You spray-painted after number seven?
01:42:00My ecstasy your annihilation our mess nothing left to transgress
01:42:06It's good
01:42:08But where was I I would oh, yes, of course before I could graduate I was swept off my feet
01:42:16Uh, my husband was this
01:42:21Everything a girl supposed to want right, you know, I was his princess. He was my
01:42:28prince charming
01:42:31Can I try some of your kale trade you for that cherry tomato
01:42:36You
01:42:44Don't have to go on if you don't want to
01:42:49It actually feels good to say the bad out loud
01:42:54But when I said I was his princess I wasn't being metaphorical
01:43:02I
01:43:03Every week a new princess costume and a new wig
01:43:07This way I won't cheat was the charming way. He put it
01:43:11At first it was fun
01:43:13Then it wasn't
01:43:15it got rough and I
01:43:32Did he hit you oh
01:43:35You know, I've put over 20 men into a coma
01:43:38When you're handing out that kind of punishment, well, you know, the short answer is yes
01:43:44Yeah, he hit me and pretty much every other verb you could come up with
01:43:50But nothing above the neck the princess in the pirate the princess in the Viking the princess in the Mongol
01:43:58warlord
01:44:00Occasionally, he'd mix it up and we do the sound of music as if the Nazis won
01:44:07You know, it couldn't be a crime he was my husband I did not complain I did not ask questions
01:44:14although
01:44:15Why anyone would want to treat Julie Andrews as a human ashtray as far as questions go. That's a pretty good one
01:44:23It did improve my poetry though, I mean gave me a lot of good material to work with god, you're a good listener man
01:44:31earlier, oh
01:44:35Then came Valentine's Day. Oh
01:44:39I was on a good one
01:44:41My helpless situation my inability to change but all in iambic pentameter, of course
01:44:50And
01:44:51then
01:45:12I should have been happy, right?
01:45:14They tried everything they couldn't wake me up they thought I was in a coma and that's when I had the vision
01:45:45I
01:45:53Had become my own Prince Charming, but there was much work to be done in my kingdom
01:45:59battles to be fought
01:46:01Wars to be won
01:46:05You can pretty much connect the dots from there
01:46:09Costumes chemistry poetry mutually degrading sexuality
01:46:15Comas men suck. I don't know how much longer I can keep running around like this. It's not like I can't afford it
01:46:22I mean my my husband was Victor Rose the fourth Victor
01:46:26Wow
01:46:27Small world. I kind of had a one-night stand with his grandma
01:46:31granny see
01:46:33My story's not as compelling as yours, but exactly a year ago
01:46:37I received a list of everyone. I'd ever had sex with and ever would have sex with I
01:46:42Find that very compelling I I think we should order dessert raspberry tart two forks
01:46:51And you think I'm lying
01:46:53You think I'm insane? No, no, I and believe me I am an expert on both
01:47:00but Bambi and Thumper
01:47:03seriously the beyond ultimate lesbian power couple
01:47:07one night
01:47:20You know
01:47:22I'd like to think that I put something interesting out there in the atmosphere
01:47:27you know just
01:47:30the whole idea of a
01:47:32Woman being able to put a man down like a dog for being bad or
01:47:39For no reason at all
01:47:44Well women have had to deal with the anytime anywhere dark impulses of men forever so I
01:47:52thought
01:47:55It's time to make the men shake in their boots for a while, you know, I guess
01:48:02That's how I I rationalize it I am gone
01:48:09We're all gone
01:48:12So many games names
01:48:16Who did you love who did you really love?
01:48:20Did you break their heart?
01:48:23Why do they break yours?
01:48:26You know, there's some real bliss in there somewhere
01:48:30And all you're left with is
01:48:33I
01:48:40Always like that word
01:48:47Depleted
01:48:49dissipated and it's spent
01:48:52Those are good ones
01:48:55but exhaustion
01:48:58Sounds like what it is
01:49:02And what better cure than sleep
01:49:06Lots of sleep
01:49:11I'll get this
01:49:17Right
01:49:24Do you mind
01:49:27What you want me to take two in case the first one doesn't do the trick Oh
01:49:33I
01:49:35Think you since we're together
01:49:40Well, I'm putting one in your mouth you could
01:49:49You sure that was yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little flattered
01:49:58You should be
01:50:02Back to my room. Oh, no, no, not that room a different
01:50:13Yeah
01:50:32You
01:50:34You
01:51:00So that's it the end of my story
01:51:04well one of my stories
01:51:18I think I know what we're having for the picnic. Thanks some potato soup
01:51:24The story of how I settled down how I met my wife
01:51:29Of
01:51:31How I learned that sometimes what seemed to be answers are really questions in disguise
01:51:37The machines list taught me the who the what the where and the when is never as important as the why
01:51:44And the why is not all that important either
01:51:52That I lay
01:51:54Down
01:51:56Give back everything
01:52:13I want
01:52:15I
01:52:22If it really is all a game sometimes the best thing you can do is press the reset button
01:52:39For the first time in my life I am I dare not add an adjective
01:52:44Mature content happy I am is good enough now
01:52:51Life is a lot like death it happens to everyone whether they like it or not
01:52:58The meaning of it all honestly
01:53:02Who gives a fuck?
01:53:13I
01:53:24Want to
01:53:34I'm free
01:53:43To
01:54:13I
01:54:43I
01:55:13I
01:55:43I
01:56:13I
01:56:43I
01:57:13I