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00:00Get out of the way, it's me, Boris Bloody Johnson, wet willy, and I'm here to tell you
00:29about wet willy!
00:30But just in time!
00:33Welcome to Bumbly Prep Debating Championships 2010.
00:37Gingy!
00:40Speaking for the red team will be Marcus Ruggles-Bryce, and for the blue, Boris Johnson.
00:46The subject of today's debate will be, should tiddlywinks be allowed during school hours?
00:53Starting with, Marcus!
00:55Hello, my name is Marcus Ruggles-Bryce, and I know the longest word in the English language.
01:01Jism.
01:02Pneumonia of microscopic silica vulcuniconeiosis.
01:04Wanker.
01:05It is a lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine silica dust.
01:09Gaylord.
01:10The game Tiddlywinks should not be allowed during school hours.
01:12Bollocks.
01:13It is a simple-minded and...
01:15OK, my go.
01:16My go.
01:17Hello, hello.
01:18Bugger.
01:19Bollocks.
01:20That is Becky.
01:21What?
01:22Ah.
01:23What?
01:24For the Tiddlies?
01:25Winkies?
01:26Tibbles?
01:27Hey!
01:28Ah.
01:29What I would say...
01:30Nelson, stand next to me.
01:31Good PR.
01:32Good PR.
01:33Right.
01:34What I would say is...
01:35I propose a...
01:36A...
01:37Tiddlywimpics.
01:38Yes, that's right.
01:39We knock down the science block, and we build an Olympic-sized stadium in the shape of
01:47a squidger, with separate little teeny-weeny little things surrounding it in the shape
01:52of winkies.
01:53A new bus route will run from the bus squop, which will pick up old squidgers, take them
01:58to the old squidgy, and winky-winky-woo, and that essentially will provide more jobs for
02:03unemployed squoppers.
02:04What?
02:05Picnic, park, rug, bottle of wine, jazz it up with a few Europeans, and there'll be
02:12love.
02:13What?
02:14Everyone's welcome.
02:15Huggy-dory.
02:16Bring along your friends.
02:17What?
02:18That's ridiculous.
02:19Preposterous.
02:20Marcus, your dad, he's got a muff, because I've seen it.
02:23Objection!
02:23I've seen it.
02:24He was wearing a short-skirt with no panties at a speech day last year.
02:26Objection!
02:27He was all hanging outside of his pants, like this.
02:29Objection!
02:30Little jazz.
02:30Objection!
02:31Browler, a little browler.
02:33Objection!
02:34Objection!
02:35Objection!
02:36Objection!
02:37Objection!
02:38Objection!
02:39Objection!
02:40Objection!
02:41Objection!
02:44Are they tarot cards?
02:46Yeah, special X-factor editions, which you can download, or fairly choose, like me new
02:52album. Messy little raindrops. Cos you're worth it. Let your glam shine through.
03:00Read them! Read the fucking cards!
03:06The falsetto. The falsetto. Oh I love the falsetto. Oh tell me about the falsetto.
03:14So this chord symbolises your inner strength. Inner strength.
03:18As a woman. Yes as a woman.
03:20And the saying hereate. Keep aiming for those hay notes. The world is your oyster.
03:26Oh I am loving this. Let's all turn the fucking lights on.
03:31Second card. Oh the Wagner. Oh right. So it says hereate that present planetary patterns
03:38reveal even though you are talentless and your looks are dropping, you're fun loving
03:43and you're a good sport. Ten out of ten for effort. Gimmick.
03:48Third card. Oh you'll like this one. It's Queen of the Disco Worms.
03:52Oh you mean when I do this? Or like that way. Or when I rock out. Like that. Fingersnap.
04:00Or like that. Yeah. Fucking oath. That's right. The Queen of the Disco Worms symbolises a
04:07turning point in your life. Turning point. Right. Where you think you're young and down
04:12with the kids but you're not. Cringeworthy. You're nearly 40. Quit rocking out.
04:20Is that um. Is that annoying? No. No it's not. The weasel chord. Oh it says um. Annoying.
04:36Oh are we on now? We're on. I think. Oh right. Yep. I think we're going now to get on to
04:43the show. On to the live show. Last card. Yep. Last card. Oh my god. Oh what the fuck
04:51now? What? Sorry one moment. What? And what is with that fucking hand?
05:04What is it? The gamble card. Fuck. That can't be good. A situation comes to an end. You are
05:16going to be deported. De-fucking-ported. Well you do a card. Leona Lewis. What does it say
05:25in your book? Well it just says amazingness.
05:43The Gilbert shows. The Gilbert shows. Everyone loves the Gilbert shows. Yeah Grandad.
05:51Hiya guys. Oh no. Hiya guys. Oh I forgot what I was going to say. Doing it again. Do me
06:07look nice? Stop it. Hold it still. Grandad! Apparently you're not supposed to feed dogs
06:25Kate but hamsters are fine. Nana! I'm making my own show. What's that? Tunas. Tunas. Is
06:38there a Christmas in there? Yes. Okay I'll have it in a minute. Now 13 to 8 that's good.
06:47Pigeon. Today. What now? Now Grandad what are you doing? Yeah it's the Gilbert show
06:59and I'm making my own TV show for the Gilbert show. We're also having a hamster day because
07:07it's Gareth's birthday. Today I'm going to show you my play called Romeo and Juliet.
07:12Ow! Are you ready Grandad? What happens is one of them, Romeo, they fall in love in front
07:30of the fish tank and then Romeo dies and then Juliet dies and then they both die. Oh
07:56Grandad. Grandad! Need to eat something. Gaga ooh la la what a romance. Going live in 30
08:17seconds. Yeah thanks. So Tony from accounts said you've got a really hairy arse crack.
08:26Funny he said the same thing about you. Yeah well he said that when you had a shower at
08:32his house you stunk like an old wet Alsatian. Really well Janine said that when you were
08:36fingering her in the back of the taxi last weekend it was like you were going through
08:39lost property. That's right Janine run off you fucking slut. You know I just like to
08:45punch you in the nose Kate. Really? Were you an extra in Gorillas in the Mist? It's
08:52fuck you o'clock Kate. Oh fucking good one. Has anyone told you you've got an arse like
08:57a fucking woman. It's massive, it's fat, it's peachy, it's flaccid, it's starting to sag.
09:02It's really uncanny. Yeah has anyone ever told you you're just a really insensitive
09:07person. I mean you're just wicked and horrible and bitter and disgusting right through to
09:11your core. Like each other. Like each other. And soon after this. Hi. Good afternoon. So
09:21who are we meeting for dinner anyway? Michael Lieberwitz is the producer of the movie. Michael
09:28fucking Lieberwitz are you being serious? Has he seen my movies? Madeline will you please
09:33behave yourself tonight. We're in the middle of shooting this movie and I need to keep
09:36this guy sweet. Sorry you didn't hear me behave yourself Madeline. Sorry for breathing. Sorry
09:45my blood is still pumping through my veins. And he says anyone for the meatloaf? You know
09:55she has a knife. Excusey woosey. Oh hello. Can I get another Sazerac please. You're a
10:09sweet. So are those titties real? Cause I'll give you ten years and they will drop. Like a pair
10:30of dirty old sports socks you know. Madeline's had a lot of work. Lapping in the breeze you
10:37know. But you can't rebuild Dresden. Hanging on in there. Oh god like just get in the bra
10:44you know. Stop messing around. They start hating each other. Madeline. Okay. I think
10:54I'm gonna go to the ladies. Thank you to the ladies. It's so cute isn't it? She suffers
11:03from Asperger's. You know Norman here is a premature ejaculator. Yes. Two quick pumps
11:15and a squirt. That's a good one. I like that one. Literally. You know. Oh I love it. At
11:31least it's a short thing right? Look on the bright side Normie. Oh look who's back. It's
11:40you. The little middle is perfect. Oh you see this foot. This toe was caressed by Martin
11:53Scorsese. I was beautiful you know. I was pretty. I had titties like rocks. You just wait for
12:04the fucking after crack open. Cause that's what happens here. There's a little story I wanted
12:10to tell you all. It's just gonna be. Oh shit. Oh fuck. So that is enough about me. Tell me
12:32about you. Well thank you. Cheers.
12:44Brilliant. We can rock and roll. Mother frickers it's burnt cotton. Really ow. I'm so annoying.
12:56Amazing. Brilliant. Florence and the machine. Check out the white brogage. And secret socks.
13:05Basically I'm gonna get stuffed into this human cannibal and lobbed all the way over into this
13:10blimmin' skippage with loads of bits and shit with no elmetto. Amazingness. Technicals. Mumford
13:19and Sons. See you later mother frickers. Basically you'll never see me again. I'm just literally.
13:28I'll say hello to God for you basically. Cause I'm going so high that basically you don't
13:32really know what to do. So it's really quite cool. And excellent basically I am. Seriously
13:36by myself. Cheers. This is freaking insane. Oh I'm gonna upload this on twitter. I am flying
13:48through the air. Feet burning. Ow. Really annoying. Myself. Skills. XO. The fern cottage.
14:04Skills. Brilliant. I'm not dead yet but I've broken both and all of my backs and I've shattered
14:13my blimmin' pelvis. Amazing. But don't miss next week when I jump into a pool of piranhas
14:18on my period. Skills. I'm not gonna lie to you I do have a bit of a headache. Skills.
14:29Ropage. Shut up dorky two horses cock. No I'm the king of bullshit bingo. Yeah. Sitting
14:45on some stinky commuter train with a bunch of plebs. No it's like an advert for Primark
14:53in here. Just got the bonus in so I'm having a weekend away in Prague. No it's a cock fest.
15:01An absolute cock fest. Tiny's at home with the kids. Where she should be. No I'm gonna
15:08seriously get my nuts in. Spoke to Eddie. All the plans are in place. No he's picking me
15:14up in his jalopy. Yeah I gotta lock horns at the Tupperoo. Have a couple down there
15:19then it's back to my place. Gotta get some little whores in. Yeah some devil's dust.
15:25A little bit of skank wrestling. You make me sick man. How is Dubai? Do you know where
15:34this fucking train's going? No how's Dubai? Good yeah? Don't drink too much froth the
15:38old man. You'll keep the women hot for me. You selfish fucker. Okay that's enough. You're
15:45boring me. It's like talking to a retard. Okay musket's at dawn. Adios amigo. This is
15:54fucking ridiculous birthday cake. You motherfucking. Tomatoes on this fucking. This is fucking
16:02outrageous. Do you know who I fucking am? You fucking plebs. Every one of you. Look
16:08at you. We're following Joyce and Perry Dickens who run a funeral parlour in the town of Cholmley
16:22in Yorkshire. I think it's knocked on. The seed were planted when I first did a make
16:31up and beauty course at Bradford College. Bradford BTEC College just off the M27. So
16:37when it came to getting a job well I just decided. I used to drop her off in me old
16:41Nissan Sunny. Windows down in the summer. Banging some tunes. You see I don't like people
16:46so much. Not the people person is Joyce. I just prefer the company of making up with
16:51people that have passed. Or are dead. It's by and large the same thing. It just suits
16:55me better because they don't budge and they don't fidget and they don't interrupt. And
17:00I was a carpenter so everything fell into place. But at the end of the day I do feel
17:04privileged because it is about celebrating somebody's life. Massive celebration you know.
17:09In some cultures death is celebrated more than marriage. You know with your Incas and
17:16your Muslims. Do you know the Aztecs used to burn? Stop it people Barry. Katie has asked
17:29me. You know I think it's the Buddhists Bobby. What's er. You know death is just a portal
17:37to another life. So I suppose I'm doing God's work. You know keep them coming my lord. Keep
17:43them coming. It's just a cheap pine. But still it's such a. What are you doing Barry? Oh
17:49hello my little Scotch egg. How long is Mr Channa Channa Lambos? Just have a look in
17:54Barry's groovy book of facts. He is six foot one. That's right six foot one. And how long
18:01is this coffin in inches Barry? Don't work in inches. Work your feet. Keep it groovy.
18:07It's five foot seven. That's right five foot seven. So how is he going to fit in there
18:12then? You're not David fucking Copperfield. You just shut up whilst I do the maths. Don't
18:19even know how much you've cost us. Why are you smirking Barry? I'm not smirking. I know
18:26you're smirking because I can feel it. It's not smirk o'clock. Tell me what is so fucking
18:32funny Barry? Nothing's funny. What is so funny? Nothing's funny. What is so fucking funny
18:38you useless little mucky dirty little stinking bastard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Get on. This
18:51is a rich shat in. Sleepy. After the coffin is delivered Joyce and Barry insist on staying
19:04at every funeral to pay their respect. I'm sorry I hit you Barry. Don't be so silly now
19:11eh? I deserved it if anything. I just did. That coffin looks dead nice that does. I love
19:22you too my little Bradley. A kiss in the house of the Lord. Which is nice. Just another.
19:35You got more Gil? Of course this was before modern warfare with it's tanks and combustion
19:49engines and the enemy had developed a brand new sort of rifle which was slaughtering our
19:54chaps. So Cuthbert come up with a wonderful idea an ingenious idea of using um using um
20:01Shetland ponies. Shetland ponies yes the idea being perspective and deception the enemy
20:07thinking we're further away than we actually are giving us the advantage. But the problem
20:11with Shetlands is their itty bitty little legs and in all really it was about a mile
20:15across the battlefield so it took us three to four um leap years to get to the other
20:21side and of course the Shetlands can only be the canter for about ten to fifteen and
20:25then they'll be needing their um disco. Yes they like all things of the disco tech and
20:32of course this was before electric lighting so we had to rig up an elaborate system of
20:36candles and a multitude of coloured lenses just to replicate disco lighting and of course
20:41the little bugglers are real sticklers for putting a dance floor down. It won't dance
20:45otherwise. So where the ponies were dancing the enemy had taken to making them uh making
20:50them uh. Dungarees. Dungarees in mass production due to their numbers so to counter this our
20:56boys decided to do their um. Cycling proficiency test. Cycling proficiency test which some
21:02of our chaps were very good at. Cuthbert could approach a junction look both ways for oncoming
21:07vehicles signal and manoeuvre without even putting his foot down once and this struck
21:12fear into the enemy's hearts but unfortunately it was the dead of winter and what with all
21:17the delivery of denim and dungarees the battlefield had become a quagmire so our boys' bicycles
21:22couldn't catch any traction at all. Looking back it was a bloody silly idea. Bloody stupid
21:29idea. It was the cannons really. I'm making Gareth's cake. I've got all of his favourite
21:39things. I've got flour in there. Some wheat crunchies. Some sugar. When I think of all
21:54the fishies in the sea I start crying. Some dairy leaves and some bedding because he's
22:09always eating all that. Grandad I've got some of the shell in the egg. I've got some of
22:19the shell. Nana. I've finished. Oh no. Oh no. Nana. Nana. I know I'll just put the
22:45bedding on. Oh no. Grandad. I've got cream all over me JD spunk.
23:15I'm going out.
23:45Oh la la. What a bad romance.