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00:00You are so beautiful, you are so beautiful!
00:29You're beautiful, you're beautiful!
00:35You know what?
00:36I get so nervous before the fanos.
00:39Oh, let's just slit our fucking wrists then, shall we?
00:42I know!
00:43Wait, did we play charades?
00:44Oh, fucking great.
00:47What?
00:49You miming when you're singing?
00:53Or when you do sing, it's actually auto-tune.
00:55Is it auto-tune?
00:56Is that it?
00:57Is it auto-tune?
00:58Um, song?
00:59Album?
01:00Right, album.
01:01Five words!
01:02First word, um, flat-chested.
01:03Bee stings, fried eggs, um, mosquito bites, malaria!
01:04Um, Cheryl, hook nose.
01:05Look, when I do that, it means you've got it.
01:21Hook nose.
01:23Second word, sounds like rat, ratty, ratty, sounds like ratty, twat, twatty, twatty little bitch,
01:33um, spoiled brat, too many e's, your mum, Joan, mole, mole, hook nose.
01:42When I do that, it means you've got it.
01:45Oh right, sounds like mole, oh Cole, right, Cheryl Cole.
01:51Fourth word, Simon's penis, oh, Louie's penis, teeny, weeny, uh, little, Cheryl Cole,
02:05something, little, something, no, fuck it, I give up.
02:09It's my new album, you know.
02:12Oh, oh yeah, that's right, um, mucky little snowflakes.
02:16No.
02:17No, untidy little hailstones.
02:20No.
02:21Dirty little rain cloud.
02:23No.
02:24Scabby little piss flaps.
02:25No.
02:26Sticky little cum stains.
02:28It's messy little raindrops.
02:32Well what a fucking stupid title.
02:37The Gilbert Shows, the Gilbert Shows, everyone loves the Gilbert Shows, yeah, Grandad.
02:44Hi, we are making a Garfield.
02:51What is it?
03:00Hi-ya.
03:03All we need is a balloon, because we're making...
03:08Now we're going to put the eyes on for the eyes.
03:14Oh.
03:19What?
03:22Just a tiny, a tiny...
03:30Oh, service is sticky.
03:34That's Sarah.
03:37Ice floe.
03:41Hi-ya, just next to the other one.
03:44Are you filming, Grandad?
03:48Hi-ya.
03:51Oh, no.
03:54Au revoir, Pierre.
03:55OK, we're going live in 30 seconds now, guys.
03:57Oh, go on, fetch growler, you little pig.
04:03Where are we, Iraq?
04:04Oh, we're at the house of a nine-year-old.
04:06You're funny, you're so big.
04:08Kids go on school trips there.
04:15So that's why you hang around my trailer.
04:17I don't hang...
04:18Because there's kids there.
04:19No, I don't even hang around you.
04:20You don't.
04:21I don't.
04:22How old are you?
04:23No-one here knows.
04:24You're like a tree, where you just cut open and count the rings,
04:28because you have the emotional depth of a tree.
04:30Don't touch me.
04:33Oh, Jeanine told me you've got a really fishy, tiny little penis.
04:37Well, you wouldn't want it as a war on your nose.
04:39No, yeah, that's right, it would stink, wouldn't it?
04:41Talking of stinking, vile, heinous fungal infections,
04:44how is your mother?
04:48She passed away last week.
04:49No, she didn't.
04:50She picks you up from work every night, you dick.
05:06Yes, yes, there we go, there we go.
05:10That's it, in your face.
05:12Don't come in my car, bitch.
05:14I have done you.
05:16Like each other.
05:18Like each other.
05:19Like each other, and on the front line face.
05:22Hi.
05:30Ding, ding, ding, ding.
05:33No, no.
05:42Mega, I've got enough now.
05:45Hey, Mom, like tonight I'm totally going on hunger strike,
05:47because last night Michael's like told me to take a hike.
05:49He's like dumped me and run off with his like dyke,
05:51and apparently I was like on my third strike,
05:52and I'm like, who do you think you are, like the Third Reich?
05:54Anyway, I've met this new guy called Spike.
05:56He's a Brad Pitt lookalike, and he works for Nike,
05:57and we're so alike, and I really like, like him.
05:59But last night, Mike got a string spiked
06:00and was high as a kite at the open mic night,
06:02and then Mike met Spike, and they got into a knife fight,
06:04and then he parched the tires on his motorbike.
06:05And the weird thing is, like, Spike looks a little bit like Mike,
06:07and I'm like, Spike, it's not going to work.
06:09It has some money.
06:11You know, the last 10 minutes of my life,
06:13I'm never going to get back.
06:15No, it's your stepfather's 60th boo-hoo party.
06:18I'm going to send him a card.
06:19No, you haven't, because you won't,
06:21and you never will, because you're lazy, and you won't.
06:23Shut up.
06:24You can't have any money.
06:26I love you.
06:28Well, for Chompers 1, we, uh, which sold very well,
06:32uh, we used the tagline, they chomp,
06:35so we're thinking for Chompers 2,
06:37we'll use chomp chomp,
06:39um, but written vertically to form the numerals.
06:42Um...
06:43Hold on to your cocks.
06:47Hey, how are you?
06:48So, uh, yeah.
06:54Okay.
06:59Terrific.
07:12Hey, you!
07:13What?
07:14Can I get another Santa rock, please?
07:16Of course, ma'am.
07:17Thank you.
07:18Now go.
07:23Hey, Norm!
07:25Well, there she is.
07:27Oh, who is it?
07:29Oh, yeah.
07:30Oh, have you brought your dancing legs?
07:32Please, please.
07:34Kiss me, Norm.
07:36Madeline, do me a favor and...
07:38I want you, Norm.
07:40I want you right here, on the floor.
07:43You know?
07:44I'm really horny right now.
07:46Come on.
07:49Now?
07:52Please, Madeline.
07:53I've had...
07:56One drink.
07:57Okay.
07:58Yeah.
07:59One drink.
08:00And, you know, I am an actress,
08:02and I can have sober if you want me to.
08:06You know, if they see my movies,
08:08they'll at least see my pictures.
08:10Madeline, you were in two movies 30 years ago.
08:13Yeah.
08:14Drop it.
08:15That ship sunk a long time ago.
08:17What?
08:18Isabelle!
08:19Madeline!
08:20Norm!
08:26Oh.
08:30Yeah, fuck her.
08:34Hey, Norm!
08:37For those of you who know me,
08:40hello, hello.
08:42And for those of you who don't,
08:45I am Norman, Madeline's wife.
08:49Okay?
08:50And I have written this beautiful, beautiful song.
08:54You know what I mean?
08:55Yeah.
08:56I really do.
08:59It goes something a little like this.
09:02Hit it, boys!
09:06Happy birthday
09:10to Mr. Poopypants!
09:13Happy birthday
09:17to you!
09:21Happy birthday
09:25Mr. Teeny-weeny-little-teeny-weeny-little-cock!
09:30Happy birthday
09:34to...
09:39Yeah!
09:40Fucking yeah!
09:50Happy birthday
09:53to you!
10:03Well, thank you.
10:06That took fucking ages.
10:12This was the birth of aviation,
10:14and planes were in jolly short supply.
10:16So Cuthbert had come up with a wonderful idea,
10:18the ingenious idea of using balloons.
10:21So we were all drafted into the very first
10:23Royal Hot Air Balloon Division.
10:25Now, our first problem was our uniforms.
10:27Due to the lack of material,
10:29our uniforms were comprised totally out of, um,
10:32made up of, uh, out of, um...
10:34Candy floss.
10:35Candy floss,
10:36which was a real bugger to put on in the morning,
10:38I can tell you.
10:39We'd all have to be dropped in a huge metal bowl
10:41and spun at high speeds,
10:42thus pinning us to the edges by our central fugal forces,
10:45and then sprayed with soupy heat and molten sugar.
10:47And, of course, really,
10:48we were only camouflaged that one time,
10:50when we crash-landed at, um, uh, at, uh...
10:52A birthday party.
10:54Hitler's birthday party.
10:56Contrary to public perception,
10:57the Nazis loved all things of a fun fair.
10:59Toffee apples and coconut shires,
11:01and, of course, the centrepiece being
11:02everybody taking their shoes and socks off
11:04and jumping up and down on a huge, um, uh,
11:07on a very big, uh, shoe, uh...
11:09Pizza.
11:10Yes, pizza.
11:11Mussolini had dialed in a huge pizza.
11:14This was before plastics,
11:15and mozzarella has a very bouncy consistency,
11:18so everybody jumped up and down to their heart's content.
11:21But the real problem we faced every day
11:23in the Royal Hot Air Balloon Division
11:25was the constant threat of, um, uh, of, uh...
11:29Of, um, uh...
11:30Happy slapping.
11:32Happy slapping and knife crime can be a real bugger,
11:35especially in a balloon,
11:36which Cuthbert found out to his detriment
11:38whilst on a bombing run over Malta.
11:40Got caught in a scuffle with a hoodie
11:42and ended up in, uh, in a, um, uh...
11:45A nativity play.
11:47A nativity play in Toulouse,
11:50all boys' school.
11:52Balloons.
11:53Bloody silly idea.
11:55Bloody stupid idea.
12:04Get out of the way!
12:05It's me, Morris,
12:06bloody Johnson,
12:07Wembley!
12:08John!
12:10D-d-d-d...
12:19So is your dad Dizzy Rascal?
12:23No.
12:24Is your dad...
12:26Dizzy Strider?
12:27No.
12:28No.
12:29Is your dad B.A. Brackus?
12:33No.
12:34No, I'm not getting on no plane.
12:36What?
12:37I refuse!
12:38I absolutely insist not stepping foot on that.
12:40Ah, quick!
12:41What's down close to me now?
12:42It's a good PR.
12:43Good PR.
12:44What?
12:45You!
12:46My name is Boris Johnson.
12:48Here, it's a charity collection, which is lovely.
12:52Thunderbolt of Beams.
12:53Doggy paddle channel.
12:54And then we're a sponsored cycle.
12:55Run, run, run.
12:56Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run.
12:57Run, run, run, run, run.
12:58You need to cough up, basically.
12:59We need some money.
13:00You need to get your tits out in the room.
13:01You need to get your tits out in the room.
13:02You need to get your tits out in the room.
13:03You need to get your tits out in the room.
13:04You need to get your tits out in the room.
13:05We need some money.
13:06You need to get your tits out in the room.
13:08Because, ah!
13:09Nelson's Brothers.
13:10Charity.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Dying.
13:13Dying.
13:14Zimbabwe.
13:15Um, bum, bum, bum.
13:16Sierra Leone.
13:17She's very nice.
13:18What?
13:19Really big, fat tummies.
13:20Flies around my head.
13:21Buzzy, buzzy, buzz.
13:22Boo, boo, boo.
13:23Malaria.
13:24What?
13:25Cheryl Cole.
13:26Hello.
13:27Yes.
13:28Definitely would.
13:29A pound!
13:30Um, is...
13:32A pound.
13:33You will buy them a knife and fork.
13:34Two pounds.
13:35They can make their own knife and fork.
13:36Tremendous.
13:37Go away.
13:38Yeah.
13:39Exactly.
13:40Also, elephant tails are being used to make faces.
13:41Siberian tigers.
13:42Being used in the prostitution.
13:43What?
13:44No.
13:45Hoover?
13:46No.
13:47No.
13:48Top wire set with built-in crunkhead.
13:49No.
13:50No.
13:51No.
13:52No.
13:53No.
13:54No.
13:55No.
13:56No.
13:57No.
13:58No.
13:59No.
14:00No.
14:01Well what?
14:02You know they have built-in crunkhead.
14:03No.
14:04Bibble?
14:05What?
14:06Bugger you then.
14:07What?
14:08Nelson, knock them down.
14:09Go!
14:10bunker.
14:11Oops, go agaricabolic.
14:14Help!
14:16We're following Joyce and Barrie Dickins, who run a funeral parlor in the town of
14:30Chamblee in Yorkshire.
15:00You know the thing about common sense Barry, it's just not that fucking common.
15:13A big job has just come in.
15:15Okay Ming, condolences.
15:24Barry!
15:27Yes my kinder-boy?
15:29Oh fire Barry, you never guess what's come through on fax.
15:31Neil Diamond tickets?
15:32Chinese funerals.
15:33Hawking each of them!
15:35Where did they come from? How did they go?
15:38Where did they come from, cutting our jaw?
15:40It's the 90s.
15:42Mrs Wu, from Pandergarden.
15:45She fell into a deep fat fryer.
15:47With an only little woman.
15:49Like hobbits.
15:50Tried to fry her out with a pair of chopsticks and a fishing rod.
15:52She came out looking like a crispy fried wonton.
15:55You're making me hungry.
16:01Later that night, Barry shows us how he gets in contact with the spirit world.
16:05Oh witchy board.
16:07It is Barry Dickens and I live in Chamblee.
16:12Please send me a sign.
16:16To locate it.
16:19Barry Dickens, what the fuck are you up to?
16:26I'm trying to make communications with Mrs Wu.
16:29What are you doing with my make-up on again?
16:31It has to be out of wizardry to entice the spirits and such.
16:36Well you're not Harry fucking Potter.
16:38Barry Potter?
16:40I was just going to make a cup of soup to quench my thirst, do you want one?
16:43Joyce, it's moving Joyce, it's moving.
16:45What dipping sauce was that?
16:47I'm going absolutely bananas.
16:49You'll be unleashing all sorts of things Barry without your absolute wit light on.
16:53Don't Joyce.
16:54She'll be hiding under the bed you know.
16:56Stop it.
16:57Oh Barry, what's that noise?
17:01Well it's not rats.
17:03Can't be trains.
17:05It's Mrs Wu.
17:08Oh you dickhead.
17:11As family and friends arrive the following morning for Mrs Wu's funeral,
17:15Barry is nowhere to be seen.
17:17Bobby have you seen Barry?
17:19He can't even fucking think.
17:22You alright?
17:23Hello?
17:24I need to go to the toilet.
17:26Right.
17:27Hello, you okay?
17:29I need to go to the toilet.
17:31Have you been waiting for the toilet?
17:35Have you been waiting for the toilet?
17:39And it's not...
17:41Barry, is that you?
17:44Sorry Mrs.
17:45I need you on the floor.
17:47I'm scared Joyce.
17:48I know but...
17:50I know absolutely.
17:51Listen, I've got Mrs Wu's around my head and she's gagging for the toilet.
17:58Oh what the fuck is that now?
18:02Oh?
18:04You best go get the slippery floor, son.
18:07That's just stinky.
18:11I mean brilliant, we can rock and roll.
18:15Dude, I'm Frank Cotten, I'm so annoying.
18:18Ow, ow, ow, ow.
18:21Brilliant.
18:22Basically I haven't taken any risks in today's on top form skills.
18:26Skills.
18:27Skills.
18:28Today's death challenge is so brilliant, it's even more brilliant than last week's totally wicked brilliant challenge.
18:33Check out the tattage on that.
18:36Basically I'm going to stage dive off the top of this flaming ab saving tower and break my face into a million little pieces.
18:42Amazing.
18:43Excellent.
18:44Brilliant.
18:45Wicked.
18:46Ow.
18:47Watch this.
18:50This week's death challenge is dedicated to my best mate Holly.
18:53They think she's better than me because she's got big tits, wears pencil skirts and sits next to Schofield on this morning.
19:00Shit.
19:06Oh brilliant, I'm not dead yet but my teeth are smashed up and I've broken both and all of my ankles.
19:11But don't miss next week when I staple my tits to the baluster, throw myself down the stairwell.
19:18Brilliant.
19:21And you can put some feathers on in that if you want to.
19:26If you want to.
19:28But I'm not going to.
19:35Here you go.
19:37Eat it up.
19:50Yeah.
19:55Gilbert.
20:00No.
20:03Gilbert, that was Margaret at the front door.
20:06No.
20:08Gilbert, have you shaved next door?
20:10No.
20:12Next door's cat.
20:14You stay there.
20:16You stay there.
20:17Next door's cat has come back with no hair.
20:20Do you know anything about it?
20:22No.
20:23No, stop accusing the people of things that I haven't even done anything with.
20:28I'm not even accused when you haven't seen anything.
20:31Have you shaved next door's cat?
20:34Margaret's out there in tears with a bald cat.
20:37Absolutely crunchy.
20:40No, no, no.
20:42I mean I'm not doing it anymore and I'm staying.
20:55Right.
20:57That's the finish.
20:58I'm cancelling Julie and you're grounded.
21:02A traffic warden in that film, will you please identify yourself?
21:06There she is.
21:08No.
21:11It was hot, Mama.
21:17Well, thank you kindly for coming over our supper this evening, Cyril, all the way from our sister parish in Cincinnati.
21:22Isn't that something?
21:24I can't tell you how happy I am you've chose to cast my beautiful lady wife, Cerise.
21:28Hi.
21:29In the lead role of your new play at the town hall, Jesus Christ Superstar.
21:33Tell me, do you get a chance to view her audition tape?
21:36I can put 15 pine cones off of my George Clooney.
21:39I think she could be the next Susan Saradon.
21:41Let her go, you fucking brain, because I'm going to let your car oil splatter all over my nice swimsuit.
21:47Is this a something?
21:48It's a real shame that Sally Ann Sidcup, who was originally cast in the lead role, has gone missing.
21:53A horse kicked me in my head.
21:55Oh, I know you were kind of thinking of giving Stevie a role in your new play,
21:58but I can't stress enough how he shouldn't be around anybody, let alone any children or animals.
22:03I only got one net.
22:05Shall we say grace?
22:07Thank you, Jesus.
22:08Bam!
22:09For the sesame seed buns, the sweet corn, and Cerise's homemade spicy sauce.
22:14Holy Jesus.
22:15Bam!
22:16I hope they find that poor sweet girl that was dragged kicking and screaming that fateful night
22:20into a navy blue Jeep Cherokee or a similar vehicle or a totally different vehicle along the same lines.
22:25Thank you, Jesus.
22:26Bam!
22:27For our retarded son Stevie, although blessed by Jesus.
22:31Bam!
22:32In the same hand, deeply molested by Satan.
22:35I said no!
22:37Thank you, Jesus.
22:39Bam!
22:40For my wife's boo-boos, her wonderful nip-naps, her beautiful bum cleft, and her incredible Bruce Willis.
22:47I must resist the urges of Satan.
22:50I said no!
22:51Thank you, Jesus.
22:52Bam!
22:53Amen.
22:54Dirty!
22:55Fragile!
22:56Weasel.
22:57Tuck in, motherfucker.
23:03Thank you, Jesus.
23:21It's so heavy.
23:2307515-
23:2565...
23:26Fucking whore.
23:28Dirty.
23:29Filthy.
23:30You