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00:00I'm going to show you how to do it.
00:30So Cheryl, bad news o'clock. I know who's going to be replacing you on the panel for next year, so yep.
00:37Well you know what? I know what? And what I know is, I know who's going to replace you next year, so you know what?
00:44Yeah, I do know what.
00:46Well I know, I know, I know.
00:48That's what I just said, did you not hear me? I just said, I just said I know, so you know that I know that you know that I know, so just, I know.
00:54Well I know more, because I know.
00:56So if you know, you know. It's no grey area.
00:58Hey, you know what? You go first.
01:00Well yeah, I was going to say that anyway. I know.
01:04The person who is going to be replacing you next year will be...
01:28Nicole...
01:36Um...
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01:46Snitflepiddle.
01:48No.
01:50Nicole...
01:52Snipplewinker.
01:54Nicole Scoutfiddler.
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07:04Oh! Tiki-tiki!
07:08Tiki-tiki! Don't eat the plants, Ricky!
07:12Make way! Move over, congestion tatio!
07:16That is it for today. Homework is to practice your irregular verbs
07:20and to learn your vocabulary for next week's oral exam.
07:27That's right, Fitty. In the mouth, dill in the face, even up the nose.
07:30Ya! Brr! Ya! Le le! Brr! Ah! Ah! Les yeux!
07:33What? Ah! Yes! I tell you what. Wouldn't you?
07:36Oh, yes. In the shower. Ah! What? Ah! Ah! Au revoir, classe.
07:40Hello! What? Ah! Ah! What? Ah! Brr! Ah!
07:43Hello! What? Ah! Ah! Bonjour! Hello! Bon!
07:46I brought you this from the library.
07:48Merci, Boris.
07:54Boris? Oh, I can feel it! Ah! Ah! What?
07:57Absolute crimson. Scarlet pimp.
07:59Now, what? Mrs Leaper told me it was educational.
08:02Ah! What I'm... What I'm... Ah! What I'm trying to do.
08:05What? What? What are you? Who?
08:07What am I trying to do?
08:10Splash on earth. Splash on earth. Yes, please.
08:13L'Oyla Cafe. In my pants. Yes, in my pants.
08:16Le culotte. Oh, yes.
08:18Ah! Brr! Ah! Ah! Ah!
08:20Oh, cripes! Their thumbs have arrived.
08:23I can't... Ah! Ah!
08:25They won't leave me alone. They're always here.
08:27Brr! Ah! Oh!
08:29You know, big old hairy old muff got my breadstick hair.
08:32Boris, you cannot speak to me like that.
08:34I'm sorry. I'm just a little bit nervous.
08:37What I'm trying to say, in the words of Jean Cocteau,
08:41I love you. I love you.
08:43I really, really do. Je t'aime, you know?
08:45And I... What? I know! I'm telling her!
08:48Bloody Livingston, always cropping up at the most inopportune times.
08:51Boris, I think you have to leave now.
08:53But I... I've written you a poem.
09:07Your hair's like a golden shower.
09:09Bollocks! Your face is Trey Bell.
09:12Bugger! Your skin is like milky camembert.
09:15That bit needs a little bit of work,
09:17but I'd just like to fosk about in your French knickers, you know?
09:20Little fiddle. Ah! Ah! Ooh! Ooh!
09:23No.
09:25No.
09:26Bugger. Schoolmaster.
09:28Hello. Oh! Au revoir!
09:30We're following Joyce and Parry Dickens,
09:33who run a funeral parlour in the town of Cholmley in Yorkshire.
09:37The most common question we get asked is...
09:42..what do you say to people?
09:46Now, there's no easy way of tackling death,
09:49but you do try to buffer...
09:51Buff on, buff off, like Mr Yaggy.
09:54A-rooking!
09:58You've got your catchphrases,
10:00like, you have a good inning, or at least...
10:03I do like to keep it upbeat and groovy,
10:05like, hey, he's popped his clogs.
10:09Or at least he's not in pain any more.
10:11Oh, my favourite is this one.
10:13Hey, say hello to the king for me.
10:16Not God, Elvis, or...
10:20This morning, Joyce is hard at work in the morgue.
10:25All that she wants is another barber.
10:28She's gone to Mardi Gras.
10:30All that she wants is another barber where...
10:33Oh, my gosh, is that Mr Felgate?
10:36Here's your afternoon tea and cake, my love.
10:38These sponge fingers look like they're in a class of their own, Barry.
10:42You've outdone yourself. I'll have one in a moment.
10:45My pleasure, my love.
10:47So, what happened here, then?
10:50He blew up at bingo. Spontaneous human combustion.
10:53I hear that every day. Cheap as creepers.
10:56I know. He was out drinking all night on Cheapoo's, though.
10:59And he lit up a duty free and went up like a cheap nightie
11:02next to a three bar.
11:04Poor old Vera was sitting next to him.
11:06She said it was like a muck spreader.
11:08Sure pebbled ash from head to toe, Barry.
11:10She's an absolute bitch.
11:12Not as many bitches as Mr Felgate.
11:14He also had kidney stones, so when he exploded,
11:16he shot Danny right between eyes.
11:18His face looks like a colander of all things.
11:21Which Danny? You know.
11:23Cold Danny? Short Danny.
11:25Not skinny Danny? Fat Danny who used to be thin.
11:27Oh, not thin Danny who used to be fat?
11:29Our Danny. Oh! Danny who used to have a fanny Danny.
11:36Joyce and Barry have gone shopping to a funeral supply warehouse.
11:40I've managed to salvage... Oh, two for one!
11:43I've managed to salvage Mr Felgate's...
11:45Three, one, go. One, three.
11:47..face, but he still needs... I'll tell you, 85% nasty points.
11:50..a prosthetic ear. What? It's all this shit, Barry!
11:53It's not supermarket fucking sweet!
11:55Just wound filler. Wound filler?
11:57Barry, we've got wound filler coming out of our ears,
11:59which is what I've sent you for. Ears!
12:01But there isn't any ears, Joyce.
12:03What do you mean, there's no ears?
12:05Well, I thought we could use a pasta shell.
12:07A pasta shell?!
12:09Barry, have you lost your mind entirely?
12:12You've got an hour.
12:15Oh, bargained galore.
12:18Just a counterfeit picture.
12:22Just a...
12:28When it is an open casket,
12:30friends and family pay their respects here
12:32before the casket is driven to the church.
12:35Look at those shoes, Barry.
12:37Right flagging. Look how high they are.
12:39They're not funeral shoes.
12:41Don't tell me.
12:43I underestimated you, Barry Dickens.
12:47Well, I told you, didn't I?
12:49Barry would save the day, Joyce.
12:51As always.
12:53No, no, no, no.
12:55E.T. phone home and such.
12:57Cypher greats.
12:59I love you, Barry Dickens.
13:01I love you too.
13:04Oh, Barry, you've got sleep in your eye.
13:06I fiddle sticks.
13:09All right, Kevin.
13:11MUSIC PLAYING
13:26Are we going live in 30 seconds?
13:28Ow, your pincers!
13:30We're going live in 30 seconds, so...
13:32Ow! You're pinching again, Andrea!
13:35So, the, er, rumour is that, er,
13:39you have to get your clitoris and a headlock
13:41just to give it any kind of pleasure!
13:43LAUGHTER
13:46Ah! You know what I wish, Jonathan?
13:48Just for one day, one day,
13:50you would wipe your arse properly,
13:52because you stink.
13:53You smell of shit and pus and dirty, filthy cock,
13:56and you're a breeding ground for E. coli.
13:59No, you are.
14:00You are.
14:01No, you are times a thousand.
14:02You are. No returns.
14:04You're it.
14:05I'm not it. Don't fucking touch me.
14:06Just shut up.
14:07Just shut up.
14:08Oh, how old are you?
14:09How old are you?
14:10Are you being serious?
14:11Are you being serious?
14:12Why are you doing an impression of yourself?
14:13Why are you doing an impression of yourself?
14:15I'm a wanker.
14:16I'm a... You're a wanker!
14:17Ah! Ha-ha!
14:18You fucking dick!
14:20You're officially thick as shit, Jonathan!
14:23Oh, I fucking love it! Ha-ha!
14:25Oh! And like each other...
14:28Like each other.
14:29And embrace the gay face.
14:31Hi-ya!
14:33We're playing here in Cincinnati.
14:35Now Bobby Sandsburg's back in the team.
14:37Excuse me, sir. Are you Simon Sipowich?
14:40I believe I've seen you at the Jesus Christ Sunday School
14:43where your son Seymour used to go.
14:45I hear he can see now,
14:47and I believe the blindness was temporary.
14:49Stevie's learned a lot since then,
14:50and we've learned a lot not to give him any scissors
14:52or any inanimate object he can use to stab, slash, or suffocate.
14:55I want to see a slam dunk!
14:57Have you met my beautiful lady wife, Sharice?
15:00Hi!
15:01She's helping to catch some of today's.
15:03Sharice loves baseball.
15:04When I was in fifth grade,
15:05I was always shooting balls from my pitcher's mouth.
15:08Fuck! Damn!
15:09It's baseball, Stevie.
15:11Sharice here used to be a cheerleader for the Cincinnati...
15:13Slingers!
15:14Run on the lot!
15:15Slingers.
15:16Slingers are strong! Slingers are quick!
15:17I sucked all the slingers!
15:19You know, I hope the Slingers do well this year.
15:21I remember back in 1969 when I won a major league.
15:24Of course, back then I was a POW
15:26caught after 677 hours of combat time down in NAD.
15:30What'd he want?
15:31I can't breathe!
15:32I praise Jesus!
15:33Bam!
15:34Every day I'm still alive.
15:35You know, a man can starve on those meager POW portions,
15:39but there was this small boy
15:40who used to smuggle in an extra bowl of rice every day.
15:43Such beautiful skin, those Vietnamese.
15:45He just would shine in the sunlight,
15:47and with an extra layer of sweat on top of his yellow skin,
15:50it took to reminding me of the kind of skin
15:52you get on top of a custard or a rice pudding
15:54or something similar along the same lines.
15:57I often wonder about him now.
15:59But this is now, and that was then.
16:01What'd he want?
16:02I can't breathe!
16:03Go, Cincinnati!
16:04Slingers!
16:05Turn on the lot!
16:06Slingers.
16:07Bring it home, boys!
16:08Hey, man.
16:09Dirty!
16:10Fight it!
16:11Weasel, enjoy the game, motherfucker.
16:14Skills?
16:15No skills.
16:16Skills?
16:17Not skills.
16:18Skills!
16:20Back to you in the studio, Trudy.
16:22Bye-bye!
16:26Bye, Jonathan.
16:27Bye, Jonathan.
16:28All right.
16:35Going to go and meet Trevor McDonald just for...
16:38A spot of bumming?
16:40Just a bit of lunch, so...
16:42You're fucking out of change, mate.
16:44We need a little port to pass in, you know what I mean?
16:47I know what I'm going to say.
16:48What you going to say?
16:49I'm going to say...
16:50Are you...
16:51Do you like Lady Gaga?
16:52I'm going to say...
16:53Are you Lady...
16:54No.
16:55Are you Lady Gaga?
16:56Fuck on!
16:57You know what I'm going to say?
16:58I'm going to say...
16:59I just want a can of dog food.
17:01Oh, I'm starving!
17:02Fucking hell, you know.
17:03I don't want your house.
17:04I don't want your wife.
17:05I don't want your dog.
17:06I've got a dog.
17:07I just want your change.
17:08That's all I fucking want.
17:09You know what I mean?
17:10That's what I'm going to say.
17:11Dog?
17:12Dog?
17:13Yeah.
17:14Can I have a dog?
17:15Yeah, you had a dog?
17:16Yeah, you had a dog?
17:17No...
17:18Oh, fuck!
17:19Oh, fucking hell!
17:20I had a fucking dog, yeah!
17:22Oh, fucking hell!
17:23Fuck, he's going to kill me!
17:25Fucking had a fucking dog!
17:27Fucking hell!
17:30whispering
17:53Little people
17:54that live in the magic box
17:56in the drawing room
17:58They're pixies. They're talking to me again.
18:02They're telling me to press the red button for more information.
18:07They're trapped, trapped behind the looking glass and I can't get them out.
18:11I tell you, one of these little people are trapped in the radio.
18:16His name is Teddy Wogan.
18:20Shoo!
18:23Well, if I had five grand for every time I said that,
18:27I'd be nearly as rich as I actually am.
18:30OK, here's the plan.
18:32I'm mustering the rabble and getting ready for the big chucker.
18:35I say we hammer down Bond Street,
18:37slate our thirst with a little frothy and get our eye in.
18:40Let it stand clear of the doors, troops.
18:44No, no, I'm having an off moment with Tams,
18:47so looking to capitalise while I still can.
18:50HE LAUGHS
18:53No, I've had my Barnet spruce up.
18:55Yeah, I've got my hands on some cracking Chang.
18:58What do you expect? It's the best that money can chip an old man.
19:01Well, it's enough to feed and house a family of plebs.
19:04HE LAUGHS
19:06Shut up. You're boring me.
19:09You fucking minge.
19:11HE CHUCKLES
19:14OK, whatever.
19:16Must get to dawn. Adios, amigo.
19:18HE GROANS
19:21You stupid fucking sod!
19:24You fucking arse! What are you fucking...?
19:27What are you fucking...?
19:29I'm fucking more than you!
19:31You fucking peasant!
19:33You fucking uncouth! I'm fucking mad!
19:36HE SNORES
19:43CAT MEOWS
19:49CAT MEOWS
19:55Adrian! He's cancelled a weekend in the country!
19:59Because...
20:01Because...
20:03Because his jeans haven't dried!
20:06They're still on the radiator!
20:09Something went!
20:11We'll go next week!
20:14CAT MEOWS
20:16Tiki-tiki!
20:18Oh, look at you all!
20:21Oh!
20:24No clothes, Ricky.
20:26HE SINGS
20:38This is for you, Julie.
20:47Oh, dear.
20:49Nana.
20:51Oh, Nana.
20:55Football boots!
20:57Oh, it's too late now.
20:59I don't have the... If I had the football boots...
21:02Argh!
21:04I wouldn't get it in!
21:06HE SINGS
21:14Yeah!
21:16Yeah!
21:18There you are.
21:24Where are you going?
21:26I'm getting out now.
21:28Bye.
21:30And what are you actually aiming for?
21:33Can you see a load of paper?
21:39I'll be right out.
22:04HE SIGHS
22:09HE SIGHS
22:29Oh...
22:34Hey.
22:36Hey.
22:41Oh, Julie.
23:03HE SINGS