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00:00Another cracker, Cheryl?
00:29Love beans. I win. Knock knock. Who's there? Cheryl Cole's a fucking idiot and she
00:42stinks. That's not even a joke. Well it's not supposed to be a joke, Cheryl. It's a
00:53cracker joke. Just a cracker joke. Don't get your knickers in a twist. The Gilbert Shows,
01:00the Gilbert Shows. Everyone loves the Gilbert Shows. Yeah, Grandad. Why did you wake me
01:08up, Grandad? Welcome to the Gilbert Shows. I've had some of Nanna's coffee, the expressi.
01:18And when I have it, it makes me go mental! Today, we're going horse riding! We're gonna go in the
01:33field. See Jemima and we're gonna have a nice time. Nanna! When I'm filming, you don't walk in if you own the place!
02:01Are you riding things? This is my room in my thing with my stuff in here! Don't come in here
02:11when I'm doing me stuff! But if I don't give you a ride in things, we're going to be late for the
02:17lesson! Yeah, but when I'm working, I'm working!
02:29Do you want to wear me hat now? No, no. Why? I want to wear my hat now! Have you finished? I want to wear me hat now! I can't hear you, Nanna!
02:47Put your riding stuff on or we're going to be late. And you can carry your hat. Okay. No, I won't wear it now! No, no. Bye! Bye! Get dressed!
03:04Ready? You haven't been trying your hat on? No, no. Why aren't you dressed in your jumpers and your stuff?
03:12I was just having... What have you been up to? I'm tidying! Yeah, well, you've never bothered about tidying
03:19before. Why don't you just get dressed like I asked you to? Okay, I'm doing it now! Yeah, but how do you
03:25pop up with that all the time? You go mental all the time! Mental Oriental!
03:55Ha-ha! Dudes, I'm fern cotton! Skills! Skills! Love it! 100% cotton! Even more skills! Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm so annoying! Basically, today's death
04:12challenge is set in ancient times, so check out the gladiator's sandals! Skills? Mount Kilimanjaro!
04:20Backwards walk! Julius motherfucking Caesar!
04:26Basically, we're going old school today. I'm going to get stoned to death by all those billion
04:29haters out there, like they did a million, billion, trillion years ago BC. When I talk about
04:34haters, I'm talking about all those dicks that say, like, mean stuff about me on the internet.
04:39They can just, like, stick their own fingers up their bum, basically. Um, chaps, what have I told you?
04:45What have I told you? You're not allowed to start stoning me until I say the coots!
04:53Ah! Brilliant! I'm not dead yet, but I've never been in so much pain! I've got a little bit of
04:58acid reflux and I've broken both and all of my armpits! Skills! But don't miss next week when I'll
05:04be sticking lime bars up my bum until I explode! Amazing! Oh, starting to feel a little bit gippy.
05:13Oh, brilliant!
05:19Grandad, look what I can do!
05:43Yeah!
05:44Madeline, I'm sick of it. Before I have a complete breakdown, I want a divorce.
05:52The problem with marriage is it's like a door. The problem with doors is they need a frame,
05:58but if you've got a frame, you'll be needing a door. So where does it all end, eh?
06:04You were good. He's good. Tell me about it. We were 18, you know, and now it's just monkey bars!
06:19Jose was adopted, you know, and he's turning on the light and he's stuck a ferret up his ass!
06:27Yeah?
06:30She had a really big nose. That is not true. It is true. It is not. It is true.
06:43Norm, is that a tube? You're wearing a tube.
06:51It doesn't even match, Norm. It's like you've got the pubic bits on the side hanging on there
06:56for dear life, and then you've got this, like, 70s vagina hanging off the top.
07:04Yes. The problem is, sir, wherever we are, she always causes a scene. I do not cause a scene.
07:12Don't be ridiculous. You always cause a scene. I don't cause a scene, you know. You are causing
07:18a scene now. He's exaggerating, you know. It's not true, you know. It is true. You know what,
07:26Norm, okay? How can you cause a scene with just three fucking people? It is, I agree,
07:31rare for someone to be able to do that, but you can do that. No, no. You do that every day. I
07:36don't fucking do it every day, you know. A scene? She's covered in drunken bruises. Oh, asshole!
07:43Post-TKO prize fighter, and this is subtle. No, it's not subtle, okay? You know, I do not
07:50cause a scene, Norm, and I fucking am not. Well, hell, Norm, let's get some more people in here.
07:58Let's cause a fucking scene! Now, watch. Now, see? Hey, you guys! You hell! I'm causing a
08:07fucking scene in here! Come on, guys! Fucking watch this shit!
08:14Hey! Hello, London! Oh, yeah! Fuck it! You know what? I'm making a fucking scene, Norm!
08:26Come on, Norm! Let your fucking hair down! Let your cock flap in the breeze! Yeah! Fuck you!
08:33Oh, yeah! Oh, that was a scene. Awkward silence. A little Normie.
08:44Did I go a little too far? I did. I am- Don't you- I'm gonna sort this. We're gonna get this.
08:55Oh, my God!
08:56Well, that is- Yeah, this is good, you know? It's more, you know, it's more outdoorsy,
09:07you know? It's more outdoorsy, huh? Yeah, I mean- Oh, another side rack. Oh, here comes
09:15the movie star nobody's fucking heard of! Oh, did I go too far? Oh, boo! Fucking hoe!
09:27You know what I've realized, Madeline? I hate you. You who-who-who-who? I actually
09:33hate you. You're going back to L.A. L.A.? No! I'm here! With you! What? Excuse me, sir, I-
09:46Norm! That's not a cock, it's a skin tag!
09:56Norm!
10:16Adrian! Adrian can't take me to the red wine and stinky cheese night tonight because-
10:23because he's in the post office queue and he's going right round the block!
10:31Tiki-tiki!
10:35Tiki-tiki! Winning is getting boring, I can tell you. Oh, there's three in here.
10:41Why does Cheryl Cole have a hairy belly? Why? Because she has.
10:48Next one. Why did Cheryl Cole cross the road? Why? Because she's got a hairy belly.
11:01And last one. How many Cheryl Coles does it take to change a light bulb?
11:10Hairy belly.
11:17I don't find that funny. Well, it's not supposed to be funny, Cheryl.
11:21It's just a cracker joke. Just a cracker joke.
11:27Oh, hold your horses, cum sock. Yeah, so you got the deal I ping-ponged over?
11:34Well, the whole thing's Coolio Inglesias. No, just chillaxing on the golf course. Had a couple of
11:40good shots. Couple in the muff. No, it's a beautiful course. If next month's bonus is as
11:47big as this one, I just might buy the motherfucker. No, no, it was a cracky night. Shame you left.
11:56Well, of course the little general got some action.
12:01No, I managed to anchor a deal. Some Polish slut
12:05said if I could fuck her in the bum bum, I'd let her husband fit my kitchen.
12:11What's that? Well, it was a luscious on your big fairy. What did you expect? Daffodils?
12:19Okay, you're boring me, dickweed. Adios, amigo. Muskets at dawn.
12:34Are you ducks laughing at me? Are you laughing at me? You go fucking mad,
12:39you whores and ducks.
12:49There is a tall glass vessel on the surface next to the matching eggs.
12:53It holds hundreds of tiny brown pigmy vaginas. When I brush these vaginas with a pestle and add
13:02hot burbles, it transforms into the most hellish potion. Henceforth, it touches my lips. I'm
13:09spitting feathers and I can't sleep a wink. These majestical brown pigmy vaginas are from a
13:16mysterious colony called Kenco. We're following Joyce and Barry Dickens, who run a funeral parlor
13:28in the town of Chamley in Yorkshire. Today is an emotional day as Joyce's beloved dog Katie
13:35has unfortunately passed away. I'm gonna make a belt out of a lead, Barry. Oh, the same lead that
13:45might well have carotid her to death. You're forcing her little eyes out of her face.
13:51Well, it could have been the effect of thousands of chocolate buttons
13:54force-fed to her until her little heart just exploded. Or maybe just a sledgehammer
14:00caving or sculling until her brain squished through her ears.
14:04I suppose we'll never know what killed her, will we? It'll always just be a bit of a mystery.
14:12She died of an asthma attack, Barry. She couldn't find a pump.
14:17Juno and Cuke.
14:21Bernie.
14:25Brooke Horner.
14:29Oh, hello you.
14:35Mmm.
14:37Pity you're angry, you know.
14:43Disgusting!
14:47You're disgusting! You disgust me!
14:51Stop the car!
14:53Get out the fucking car, now.
14:55Get out the car!
14:57Fuck off to the pub and don't come back!
15:00Home.
15:06After spending all afternoon in the pub, Barry returns to make amends.
15:10There they are, the whole gang. Bobby, the leader. How are you doing?
15:14Seen the new addition to the family? Cornelius, the new puppy.
15:18It's a little boy this time, isn't it?
15:20No.
15:22No, it's not. It's got a donut.
15:24It's a girl. It's Errol's.
15:26I bought it off him, so it comes from a broken home.
15:28You know, he's divorced.
15:30So where's Joyce, anyway?
15:32Joyce!
15:34Am I the only one actually worried? Am I the only one tuning into Worry Vision, here?
15:36Where are you?
15:38This is it, now. This is beyond a joke.
15:40I'm going to be honest with you.
15:42I've seen you.
15:44I've seen you, Bobby.
15:46Staring her up and down like she's a treasure.
15:48You know, you wanted a slipper her length
15:50with your big, greasy penis.
15:52I tell you, I'd like to put one right on the end of your...
15:54If she wasn't here, Bobby, I would...
15:56fucking unleash hell on you.
15:58I would...
16:00Oh! There she is.
16:02In the office.
16:04Prodigal place to reflect.
16:06What's going on in Berlin?
16:08My apologies, Bobby.
16:10What's all the baggage about?
16:12What's...
16:14What's going on, Joyce?
16:16You all right?
16:20Barry!
16:22I need a change!
16:24You're not right.
16:26I'm sick of all this death bollocks!
16:28I want to move
16:30to the seaside!
16:32I want to toast
16:35marshmallows on beach!
16:37I want to wake up
16:39to the sound of birds tweeting, Barry!
16:41I want to grow
16:43my hair long and wear pink!
16:45I need a happy
16:47ending, do you not see?
16:49Barry!
16:51We're going to do weddings!
16:53Yeah,
16:55oh, crikey!
16:57How
16:59long's your hair going to be?
17:01Why
17:03didn't Cheryl Cole
17:05win The X Factor?
17:07Why?
17:09Because she's had
17:11far too many of her own problems
17:13to concentrate on being a mentor,
17:15when I, on the other hand, was really good
17:17and chose girl songs for Matt to sing
17:19because he can do the falsetto
17:21and it really worked and I won.
17:25How did
17:27all that fit on that teeny piece of paper?
17:29Because it's a tiny weeny little cracker
17:31joke and that's what they do, they write it
17:33small, see?
17:35Now play with your little mini nail scissors.
17:47I'm so sorry to have to
17:49bury you alive, Simpson. It is
17:51a sad sight on this beautiful
17:53Sabbath evening, but I think it was
17:55Jesus Christ who said
17:57it best when he said we are born by the soil
17:59so we must die by the soil.
18:01I believe you know my beautiful
18:03lady wife, Cherise. Hi again!
18:05Simpson, when you first knocked at
18:07my door and offered Cherise driving lessons
18:09Oh, I can change gear with my
18:11Robert Downey Jr. I was over
18:13the moon at the prospect of not having to drive
18:15Huh? Take off!
18:17I assigned Stevie to a special Saturday club
18:19that filled my heart with joy. I won't
18:21employ a kitchen choice!
18:23Settle down now, Stevie, but then summer turns to
18:25fall and fall turns to winter
18:27and sixteen years later, Cherise
18:29still can't talk. Huh? Take boat!
18:31I must admit I had my reservations
18:33about your skills as a driving instructor
18:35I was perturbed by the fact that one
18:37of your legs is shorter than the other, hence your
18:39correctional shoe, that you are partially
18:41sighted in one eye. What? Shuffle!
18:43And the fact you don't even have a car.
18:45But then Stevie takes his dead
18:47dog for his daily walk down by the
18:49bayou and he spies you and Cherise
18:51you exploring the contours
18:53of her boobles like a blind man
18:55her nippy-naps sticking out like a wet
18:57dog's nose out of a car window
18:59Bet your deceit doesn't end
19:01there, Simpson. He also
19:03spies you down the end of our paddock
19:05with your Nicholas cage, flipping and a-flapping
19:07out of your pants, chasing
19:09Sue Ella May, my prize-winning petting pose
19:13Soft long hair
19:15beautiful muscle definition
19:17her mane flowing like a stream
19:19or a confederate flag blowing
19:21triumphantly in the wind
19:23once left a twinkie in the
19:25small of her back and it
19:27melded in the midday sun and fell down
19:29between her bum-clapping
19:31I cannot forgive you for that, Samson
19:33and in the words of the Father of Jesus
19:35Right!
19:37Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house
19:39thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's
19:41wife and thou shalt not
19:43pretend to teach her how to dive
19:45and thou shalt not covet
19:47my prize-winning petting pose
19:49Suck it, Sue Ella May
19:51Amen!
19:53We's rest in peace,
19:55motherfucker
19:57Bang!
20:19Scream!
20:27Mmm, great
20:29Oh look, a house made of wood
20:31Yes, here we are
20:33Jemima!
20:37Look how beautiful she is
20:39Grandad
20:41Grandad
20:43Here, now, with the hymn
20:45Mmm
20:47You and I belong
20:49together
20:51You and I forever
20:53and ever
20:55No matter where
20:57you are
20:59You're my ghost
21:07Boo!
21:09The very first moment I saw
21:11you
21:13I've never felt
21:15such emotion
21:17I'm walking
21:19on air
21:21just
21:25Look, Grandad
21:27Here, look
21:29Look at the winch
21:31It's got flaky bits on it
21:33Look at the winch
21:35Fucking hell
21:39Grandad
21:43What
21:45are we gonna do when
21:47David Attenborough dies?
21:51Do you like your leg up again, Gilbert?
21:53Yeah
21:55Don't film the leg up
21:57Not yet
21:59Kathy, do it
22:01Oh, me nutsack
22:05Oh, Kathy, me nutsack
22:07Come on, Gilbert, move your leg over the bed
22:09I did it
22:11I did that myself
22:13Hold me in your arms
22:15Don't let me go
22:17I want to stay
22:19forever
22:21Grandad, are you getting this?
22:23I'm going now
22:25Grandad
22:27Are you getting this?
22:29Grandad
22:31Oh
22:33Oh
22:35Oh
22:37Oh
22:39Gilbert
22:41Gilbert
22:43Oh
22:45Oh
23:07Okay, you are boring me
23:11Fucking rug munchers
23:15Okay, speak
23:19Oh, God
23:21This is human
23:23feces
23:37you