• 2 months ago
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Transcript
00:00:00Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham.
00:00:02Greetings, infidels.
00:00:04I am Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
00:00:06I have a question for you, Achmed.
00:00:08I am all ears, without actual ears.
00:00:10All right.
00:00:12Who's your favorite cartoon character?
00:00:14Is this a trick question?
00:00:16No, seriously. Who is it?
00:00:18Tigger?
00:00:20Tigger, as in Winnie the Pooh?
00:00:22Yes. And Eeyore.
00:00:24He was so sad.
00:00:26And Piglet?
00:00:28Don't be an idiot!
00:00:30Sorry.
00:00:32Whatever. What is the point of this?
00:00:34What if you, Achmed, were animated?
00:00:36Me? A cartoon?
00:00:38Right.
00:00:40Like Tigger?
00:00:42Sure. That would be fantastic.
00:00:44Then wish for it.
00:00:46What?
00:00:48Make a wish.
00:00:50Oh, like I wish I were animated?
00:00:52Perfect.
00:00:54Hi, everybody.
00:00:56I hear someone make a wish.
00:00:58Yep, that was Achmed.
00:01:00A wish? What wish?
00:01:02You said you wish to be intoxicated.
00:01:04No, animated.
00:01:06Oh, well, I can do that, too.
00:01:08This is ridiculous.
00:01:10Ta-da!
00:01:12What happened to me?
00:01:14Why do I look like this?
00:01:16Thank you, Tigger Bubba.
00:01:18You're welcome.
00:01:20You infidel fairy!
00:01:22Toot toot for now. Gotta fly.
00:01:24You tricked me!
00:01:26You got your wish.
00:01:28And why am I like this?
00:01:30It's for your new animated special, Achmed Saves America.
00:01:32Enjoy the show.
00:01:34Come back, Tigger Bubba!
00:01:54I will kill you.
00:01:56Not a phone call while I'm riding.
00:01:58I have coverage all the way out here.
00:02:00And not a cell tower inside.
00:02:02Yes, yes. What, what?
00:02:04Achmed, why are you still alive?
00:02:06Nice talking to you, too.
00:02:08We're all tortured!
00:02:10I should have heard the big boomerang.
00:02:12I should have heard the big boomerang.
00:02:14I should have heard the big boomerang.
00:02:16I should have heard the big boomerang.
00:02:18I should have heard the big boomerang.
00:02:20I should have heard the big boomerang.
00:02:22I should have heard the big boomerang.
00:02:24You've worked for us for three years,
00:02:26and you still haven't killed infidel one.
00:02:28I swear, you are the worst terrorist
00:02:30in the whole non-Muslim world.
00:02:32I am not!
00:02:34As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that.
00:02:36Are you forgetting you blow up a training camp?
00:02:38The only thing left was the monkey bars.
00:02:40Oh, please.
00:02:42We are so much better than them.
00:02:44Do not worry, Hasan.
00:02:46I will get it right this time.
00:02:48Achmed, focus!
00:02:50Achmed, focus!
00:02:52You're not losing your nerve, are you?
00:02:54No! Are you kidding?
00:02:56I'd be crazy not to want to kill myself.
00:02:58Then tell me why you are doing this mission.
00:03:00Because you told me to.
00:03:02Wrong answer! Why?
00:03:04Because I hate the infidel.
00:03:06And why do you hate the infidel?
00:03:08Because you told me to.
00:03:10Right answer!
00:03:12So don't screw this up.
00:03:14Why do you treat me like a fool?
00:03:16The bomb is ready to go!
00:03:18Ah!
00:03:24Huh?
00:03:26Hey, I'm alive!
00:03:28I fell!
00:03:30Son of a female dog!
00:03:32Well, it obviously can't get any worse than this.
00:03:36What the Hezbollah?
00:03:38Let me go, you flying jackal!
00:03:40Release me at once!
00:03:42Clutch me again!
00:03:44I was kidding! I was kidding!
00:03:48No!
00:03:52Well, that used to hurt.
00:03:54Wait!
00:03:56Where is this aluminum devil taking me?
00:04:00No!
00:04:18No!
00:04:40Hmm...
00:04:48Ah!
00:04:58Hmm...
00:05:00Hey!
00:05:02Death to America!
00:05:04Vill.
00:05:10Terrorist log.
00:05:12Hate date 73.13.
00:05:14I have arrived in the land of the infidels.
00:05:16It will only be a matter of time until...
00:05:18Ah!
00:05:20Oh, boy.
00:05:22I don't know what that was, but it made a doozy of a noise.
00:05:24I hope we hit something cool.
00:05:26Then this day wouldn't be a total loss.
00:05:28Whatever.
00:05:30Everyone's at the mall except me.
00:05:32And now my life is over.
00:05:34Well, I know we hit something,
00:05:36but darn if I know what it was.
00:05:38Turn around, asshat.
00:05:42Is that what we hit?
00:05:44Whoa! Is he dead?
00:05:46Can't we go now?
00:05:48No, honey. We have to help him.
00:05:50Here you go, buddy. You're fine.
00:05:52You're gonna be fine.
00:05:54Stop! What are you doing?
00:05:56Get your hands off of me!
00:05:58Wait a minute!
00:06:00I don't even touch myself there!
00:06:02What are you doing?
00:06:04Stop touching me!
00:06:08You put my ass in front!
00:06:10I'm sorry I didn't see you.
00:06:12That makes me feel so much better.
00:06:14I guess we should exchange insurance in for me.
00:06:18Oh, that looks like ours.
00:06:20Ew!
00:06:22Can we get you to a doctor or something?
00:06:24I want nothing to do with you!
00:06:30How I wish that evil airplane
00:06:32had never carried me from my homeland
00:06:34to this wretched America of yours!
00:06:36Mom, did you hear that?
00:06:38He said he just flew here.
00:06:40He's our exchange student.
00:06:42Yeah. Claude.
00:06:44The French kid we missed at the airport.
00:06:46I hate you and I hate this country.
00:06:48Oh, yeah. He's French.
00:06:50We better stop him.
00:06:52Excuse me. Sorry to bother you.
00:06:54What, what, what?
00:06:56What the devil is this?
00:06:58Bill, no!
00:07:00Bill? Seriously?
00:07:02You give your dogs people names?
00:07:04What did you name your kids?
00:07:06Bubbles and Cujo?
00:07:08Get off! I'm sorry. He just likes you.
00:07:10Oh, great.
00:07:12When does the humping start?
00:07:14By any chance, are you Claude?
00:07:16Of course I am Claude!
00:07:18I'm Claude, scratched, beaten, licked and humped.
00:07:20But mostly, I am Claude.
00:07:22So you're saying you're Claude?
00:07:24Yes! You stupid American infidel!
00:07:26That's wonderful!
00:07:28What?
00:07:30Claude, we are your host family, the Wilsons.
00:07:32And we're so happy you're here.
00:07:34Are you infidels friendly?
00:07:36Are you idiots or just friendly idiots?
00:07:38Sorry about the mix-up at the airport,
00:07:40but that is all over now.
00:07:42Let's get you to your new home.
00:07:44You're taking me to your cave?
00:07:46Well, I do have a man-cave.
00:07:48It's the garage.
00:07:50Is he naked?
00:07:52Try not to make him feel bad, okay, honey?
00:07:54He's probably poor.
00:07:56Let's get you a hot meal first.
00:07:58We have the foreigner. Can we please go to the mall?
00:08:06I have mauled myself.
00:08:08First season of Homeland Style
00:08:10among the enemy.
00:08:12The hated ones.
00:08:14These people who call themselves Wilson
00:08:16are cunning, though.
00:08:20They insist on treating me with respect
00:08:24and feeding me an obscene amount of food
00:08:26that I can barely keep down.
00:08:28I have the same problem.
00:08:44Their town is in terrible shape
00:08:46and their lives are filled with emptiness and failure.
00:08:48Yet they don't take the obvious route
00:08:50of blowing themselves and everyone around them up.
00:08:52What's up with that?
00:08:54I don't know.
00:08:56I just work on the assembly line now,
00:08:58but my dream is to design the cars.
00:09:00Like this.
00:09:02This is a gas-guzzling, obnoxious testament
00:09:04to everything the rest of the world
00:09:06hates about America.
00:09:08Exactly.
00:09:10It'll be a huge seller and save the company.
00:09:12If only my boss would look at it.
00:09:14He will.
00:09:16Because it's perfect, honey.
00:09:18Just like you.
00:09:20These are nothing like the Americans
00:09:22I was taught to hate.
00:09:24Which makes me hate them more.
00:09:26Plus, I had no idea women could drive.
00:09:28Well, this is your home for the summer, Claude.
00:09:30It's cozy, but we love it.
00:09:32I am nauseated by the evil stench of decadence.
00:09:34He did it.
00:09:36Now Kevin.
00:09:38Don't pick on our guest.
00:09:40He's had a long day.
00:09:42You know, he was hit by a minivan.
00:09:44Why don't you and your sister
00:09:46go toss the football or something?
00:09:48Fine.
00:09:50I'm going to Angie's.
00:09:52Don't ignore your phone.
00:09:54It's not the phone I ignore.
00:09:56Kids today.
00:09:58In my land, they would have both been stoned by now.
00:10:00That's right.
00:10:02You French kids start drinking early, don't you?
00:10:04Wayne, remember our surprise?
00:10:06Oh, sure.
00:10:08Be right back.
00:10:12So now that I am deep in the bowels
00:10:14of the enemy,
00:10:16I will make it to my mission to explode out
00:10:18and wreak a steaming vengeance.
00:10:20But how and when?
00:10:22Ta-da!
00:10:24Are you Catholic?
00:10:26No, we're American.
00:10:28Claude, you got here just in time
00:10:30for our town's 100th birthday celebration.
00:10:32And it's tomorrow.
00:10:34Ginny's in charge of the parade and the fireworks.
00:10:36It's going to be some show.
00:10:38Fireworks?
00:10:40Explosions? Large crowds?
00:10:44We'll fix your room up, Claude.
00:10:46You go ahead.
00:10:48Plotting and scheming.
00:10:50This is going to be easier than I thought.
00:10:54Stupid Americans.
00:10:56They always leave their dynamite just lying around.
00:11:02Let me go!
00:11:04I kill you!
00:11:06Stop that!
00:11:08I cannot be murderous when I am being tickled.
00:11:10I kill you!
00:11:14I've been working on my big bomb
00:11:16all the dead long night.
00:11:20Dear diary,
00:11:22my bomb is complete.
00:11:24Tomorrow I will get my revenge
00:11:26on these people who have been so nice to me.
00:11:28Here's a soft pillow.
00:11:30How I hate them.
00:11:32Is it hypoallergenic?
00:11:34Just like you asked.
00:11:36Yes, thank you,
00:11:38evil American monster she-woman.
00:11:40You French have such colorful words for everything.
00:11:42Oh, are you writing a book?
00:11:44Yes.
00:11:46It is a book of humorous observations
00:11:48about small town life.
00:11:50Like the kind by your famous
00:11:52instigator of suicide, Garrison Keillor.
00:11:54That's nice. Nighty-night now.
00:11:56Nighty-night, nighty-night.
00:11:58Hello, gorgeous.
00:12:00Hey!
00:12:02I want to talk to you.
00:12:04I don't have a bomb.
00:12:06You're not fooling me, kid.
00:12:08I know why you're here.
00:12:10Is that so?
00:12:12Well...
00:12:14My parents brought you here
00:12:16just to make me look bad.
00:12:20I can't compare to how cool you are.
00:12:22You're from France and all. I hate you.
00:12:24Oh, really?
00:12:26I hate you too.
00:12:28My dad thinks I should be playing football,
00:12:30but I don't want to do that.
00:12:32I'm good at other stuff, secret stuff
00:12:34I've never even told my parents about.
00:12:36You wish to lie with another boy of your gender?
00:12:38No!
00:12:40A ventriloquist.
00:12:42A what?
00:12:44You know, a ventriloquist.
00:12:46I have a dummy. I make it talk.
00:12:48We tell jokes in front of big audiences
00:12:50and get big laughs.
00:12:52That is a job?
00:12:54Yes!
00:12:56That is the stupidest thing
00:12:58I've ever heard.
00:13:00Seriously, who is going to pay
00:13:02to see anyone do that crap?
00:13:04But I'm good at it.
00:13:06I've been practicing with my new dummy.
00:13:08Little Jeff!
00:13:10Hi, Aklon!
00:13:12That toy is possessed with a human spirit!
00:13:14I banged your face with a shoe,
00:13:16which is the worst thing you can do
00:13:18to someone in my country for some reason
00:13:20that no one has ever explained to anyone.
00:13:22Hey, what's wrong with you?
00:13:24I'm sorry I said anything to you.
00:13:26This is going to be a long summer.
00:13:28Or a short one.
00:13:32Phew, it's only you.
00:13:34I thought you were Jessica Chastain.
00:13:36Who's that?
00:13:38She was the crazy bitch in the help.
00:13:40What are you doing here?
00:13:42I was, like, out with my boyfriend.
00:13:44Now my ex-boyfriend. Ugh, I hate him.
00:13:46I wish he was dead.
00:13:48Does he live within a 20-mile radius
00:13:50of tomorrow's parade?
00:13:52Please don't tell Mom and Dad.
00:13:54The place where my lips once were
00:13:56is sealed.
00:13:58They never liked him anyway.
00:14:00They think I have, like, bad taste in guys.
00:14:02You? No.
00:14:04You're so hard on your...
00:14:10Wow, I...
00:14:12felt something just now.
00:14:14Well, that was my detonator.
00:14:16Bum, penis, nothing!
00:14:18You're so funny.
00:14:20Gracias.
00:14:22And I love your French accent.
00:14:24Cassidy, are you home?
00:14:26Gotta go. I'll love you till I die.
00:14:28Stay within the 20-mile radius.
00:14:30Goodnight, Cassidy.
00:14:32Goodnight, Mom.
00:14:34Goodnight, Kevin.
00:14:36Goodnight, Dad.
00:14:38Goodnight, Jeannie.
00:14:40Why are you screaming at me when I'm lying right next to you?
00:14:42Sorry, honey.
00:14:44Goodnight, little Jeff.
00:14:46Goodnight, every-diddy.
00:14:48Silence! Goodnight, Bum.
00:15:00Great job, Mom.
00:15:02Thanks.
00:15:04And don't you do look nice.
00:15:06Yeah, I got the shirt at the...
00:15:08It's almost time for the show to start.
00:15:10Kevin, do you know where Claude is?
00:15:12No, Mom, I don't.
00:15:14Claude, Claude, where's Claude?
00:15:16Everybody loves the French guy.
00:15:18He was in the car with us.
00:15:20He had on this great French cologne.
00:15:22It smelled like sawdust and fertilizer.
00:15:24Here we are.
00:15:26Almost there.
00:15:28Help or touch me, please.
00:15:30Also, please turn off all cell phones.
00:15:32Claude, you look so patriotic.
00:15:34Yes, and this patriotism
00:15:36is giving me a glow in my heart
00:15:38and a pain in my neck.
00:15:40Ow!
00:15:42Jenny, the town square looks great.
00:15:44This event will be just the thing
00:15:46to turn around our town spirit
00:15:48and get me re-elected.
00:15:50Or you're fired.
00:15:52Just kidding. Not really.
00:15:54Mayor McEwen, this is Claude,
00:15:56our French exchange student.
00:15:58Bonjour, Claude.
00:16:00Comment allez-vous?
00:16:02Bienvenue sur Mercaville, Claude.
00:16:04J'espère que vous avez pour apprécier
00:16:06votre séjour jusque-ci.
00:16:08Uh...
00:16:10Où est le toilette fromage?
00:16:12Oh, that's cute.
00:16:14Whoa!
00:16:16What the hell?
00:16:18Holy crap!
00:16:20Pardon my French.
00:16:22Hey, Jenny.
00:16:24A little low-key, if you ask me.
00:16:26I mean, where's the eagle?
00:16:28Nothing says kick-ass like a flag
00:16:30with wings that go, America!
00:16:32America! America!
00:16:34America! America!
00:16:36America!
00:16:46Claude, these are our neighbors,
00:16:48the Andersons. Chet and Ev,
00:16:50this is Claude.
00:16:52Nice to meet you, Claude.
00:16:54You know, I usually don't like you Frenchies,
00:16:56but in your case, I'll make an exception.
00:16:58Don't be an idiot. I hate the French.
00:17:00Well, then we are gonna be
00:17:02simpatico.
00:17:04That's Mexican for I wet your back,
00:17:06you wet mine.
00:17:08Such a delightful racist.
00:17:10I like you.
00:17:16We just set an example, Chet.
00:17:18Carl Zimmer.
00:17:20We're not all tea-bagging wingnuts like him, Claude.
00:17:22Yeah, and we're not all freedom-hating,
00:17:24out-kissing, gunless lesbians
00:17:26like this guy, America!
00:17:28Please, can't you two get along?
00:17:30Very soon, none of this
00:17:32will matter. Now, if you'll
00:17:34excuse me, I have to go to the
00:17:36little French boy's room.
00:17:38Hurry back. You don't want to miss the show.
00:17:40My show will leave a bigger
00:17:42impression.
00:17:50Five minutes to blow time.
00:17:52I should totally tweet that.
00:17:54Justin Bieber is going to be in Portland!
00:17:56And in the
00:17:58centennial spirit, suits
00:18:00at Stan McEwen's Wide and Tall
00:18:02are on sale for $100.
00:18:04Supply is limited. Suits may have been
00:18:06pre-worn. Now, we have a very
00:18:08special guest here today.
00:18:10Somewhere, right?
00:18:12I don't know where he...
00:18:14There he is! Claude!
00:18:16Up here!
00:18:18A big hand for our new friend
00:18:20from France, everyone!
00:18:26Hello!
00:18:28You don't know me from a hole in the ground,
00:18:30but get ready!
00:18:32Bye now, TTFU!
00:18:34Oh, no! You're not going anywhere,
00:18:36our new friend!
00:18:38Help! I am being illegally detained by a large
00:18:40black man who is dressed very nicely!
00:18:42You big silly!
00:18:44We have something for you.
00:18:46Oh, good!
00:18:48I have something for you, too.
00:18:50You first.
00:18:52America is a nation of
00:18:54foreigners, and you're our first
00:18:56legal one. And now,
00:18:58Raul's Gardening Service
00:19:00would like to give you a 21
00:19:02leaf blower salute.
00:19:06That's why we're all here!
00:19:08To thank you and welcome you!
00:19:16Congratulations, Claude!
00:19:20You people are all so
00:19:22moronically cheerful!
00:19:24Now, to help celebrate Claude's
00:19:26arrival, put your hands
00:19:28together for American Idol
00:19:30Season 9 Hollywood Round
00:19:32almost semi-finalist,
00:19:34Ronnie Huntingchurch!
00:19:38Well, this is for you, Claude.
00:19:40A million years
00:19:42ago, when Columbus
00:19:44sailed the sea,
00:19:46he hadn't planned on the place he'd land
00:19:48on would still be brave and free.
00:19:50We've welcomed the
00:19:52Irish, the Chinamen,
00:19:54and you, but let me
00:19:56say, on behalf
00:19:58of the USA, there's no
00:20:00better foreigner
00:20:02than you!
00:20:04Wait! I can't be crying!
00:20:06I must have shrapnel in my eye!
00:20:08You're the quill in
00:20:10Jefferson's hand, you're patented
00:20:12Custer's last stand, George Washington's
00:20:14teeth, the great Toby Keith,
00:20:16you put the heart in Heartland!
00:20:18And we
00:20:20say to you, with
00:20:22pride soon to bust,
00:20:24we pray to our God,
00:20:26but it's in Claude
00:20:28that we
00:20:30trust!
00:20:38You trust me?
00:20:40What the fatwa?
00:20:42The guys have it all wrong! You are the
00:20:44best infidels ever!
00:20:46Where I am from, no one is nice.
00:20:48They stay in their caves,
00:20:50knee-deep in camel poop, covering
00:20:52their wives so they look like Pac-Man
00:20:54ghosts. That's French for you.
00:20:56I love this country!
00:20:58Life to America!
00:21:06I'll be right back.
00:21:08That really hurt!
00:21:10You'll get used to it.
00:21:14Where is that bomb?
00:21:16It's always in the last place you look.
00:21:18Ow!
00:21:20There you are.
00:21:24You actual literal
00:21:26son of a bitch!
00:21:28No, no, no, no! That is not
00:21:30the squeaky bomb!
00:21:32Give me that bomb! I have to save the people
00:21:34I wanted to kill a minute ago!
00:21:38The things I have to do!
00:21:40Billy!
00:21:42Look what I have for you!
00:21:44It's your favorite
00:21:46lemur!
00:21:48Go get it, Bill!
00:22:08Phew!
00:22:16That was close.
00:22:18That's a pretty big button.
00:22:26I bet this
00:22:28looks awesome from down there!
00:22:32He really
00:22:34loves America.
00:22:36I sure hope so.
00:22:40America!
00:22:42I love you!
00:22:46Still love it!
00:22:48Loving it a little less.
00:22:58I'm at Americaville
00:23:00General Hospital where an entire town
00:23:02is holding a vigil for someone
00:23:04we just met this morning.
00:23:06A brave little boy from France
00:23:08named Claude.
00:23:10No, no, no, no, no, no!
00:23:12No, no, no, no, no!
00:23:18Doctor, is he
00:23:20going to be okay?
00:23:22Well, he displays no vital signs whatsoever.
00:23:24The technical term for that
00:23:26is dead.
00:23:28Golly, that sounds serious.
00:23:30Huh?
00:23:32He's waking up!
00:23:34My boyfriend's waking up!
00:23:36The wireless blue
00:23:38will not hurt you.
00:23:40The wireless red will make us dead.
00:23:42Shh!
00:23:44I think he's trying to tell us something.
00:23:46The bomb on the bus goes
00:23:48bing, bang, boom,
00:23:50bing, bang, boom,
00:23:52bing, bang, boom, bing, bang,
00:23:54bing, bada, bada, bing, bing!
00:23:56Hey, everybody!
00:23:58I'm afraid it's making me say
00:24:00things only sung at terrorist camp.
00:24:04Well, that's the most we can expect
00:24:06from him right now, I'm afraid.
00:24:08We should leave him now.
00:24:10He needs his rest.
00:24:12Mom, I guess you'll need someone
00:24:14to take Claude's spot in the parade.
00:24:16I've been working on something.
00:24:18Parade? I can be in a real American parade
00:24:20where people wait all night to get great seats
00:24:22to watch other people walk?
00:24:24Count me in!
00:24:26Sorry.
00:24:28I thought you were dead.
00:24:30It's a miracle!
00:24:32I declare
00:24:34this Centennial Parade
00:24:36started!
00:24:44Look what you did, Claude!
00:24:46You've inspired
00:24:48the entire town.
00:24:50Thank you. I don't have to blow up again, do I?
00:24:52Congratulations, Claude.
00:24:54In the words of Michelle Obama,
00:24:56for the first time in my adult lifetime,
00:24:58I'm really proud of my country.
00:25:00Yes, we heard her say that.
00:25:02That is when we recruited her.
00:25:04She is a true American.
00:25:06Yes, and her hair is actually
00:25:08straight.
00:25:10Son, you're the real hero.
00:25:12210% American.
00:25:14You people suck at mathematics.
00:25:16I love it!
00:25:18Claude, Dave Chester, CNN.
00:25:20CNN! I love you guys!
00:25:22And of course, there's Books of Cable Networks.
00:25:24Claude, you've only been here two days
00:25:26and you've already been hit by a truck,
00:25:28gotten blown up, rolled down a hill
00:25:30in a fiery dumpster.
00:25:32And I've tried curly fries.
00:25:34So how do you like our country?
00:25:36Well, I'm in America, so I won't tell you how I feel.
00:25:38I will sing!
00:25:40Just like those 30-year-old teenagers
00:25:42on that bafflingly beloved TV show,
00:25:44Glee.
00:25:46I love to hate watch it.
00:25:48When I was merely
00:25:5024 years old,
00:25:52there was nothing I thought greater
00:25:54than to turn this nation you call home
00:25:56into a giant smoking crater.
00:25:58But like
00:26:00Miley Cyrus and her bong,
00:26:02or Brett Favre texting
00:26:04all night long,
00:26:06or Mitt Romney's awful sing-along,
00:26:08keep me crack on and I don't care,
00:26:10I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong.
00:26:12I was wrong.
00:26:14I see no drone. Yes, I was wrong!
00:26:16Obama phone! And so unconscious and half-dead
00:26:18it was this scene.
00:26:20You folks are quite easily suckered, but your heart's where it belongs.
00:26:22I don't know why I can't deny that I was wrong.
00:26:24Running water.
00:26:26Girls gone wild.
00:26:28No bombs strapped to any child.
00:26:30I find that I am beguiled.
00:26:32America! Yeah, what he said.
00:26:34So much food you've thrown away.
00:26:36So much TV filled with gay.
00:26:38I love you, Project Runway, so I cancel my fatwa.
00:26:40Cause I was wrong.
00:26:42Yes, I was wrong.
00:26:44About America, I say that I was
00:26:46wrong, wrong, wrong.
00:26:48When I look across your faces, be they Wilsonburg or Chong,
00:26:50I must admit I am a twit
00:26:52and I was wrong.
00:26:54Oh, I'll miss my friend the sniper
00:26:56and my
00:26:58flea-infested cave.
00:27:00I'll sort of miss my second chance
00:27:02to have an early grave.
00:27:04But even though you're filled
00:27:06with sin, like blindside
00:27:08you all took me in.
00:27:10A foreigner who has
00:27:12no skin.
00:27:14Get away from him,
00:27:16he's mine.
00:27:18I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong.
00:27:20Yes, you're dim and rather simple
00:27:22and you shouldn't wear a thong.
00:27:24But it's clear I shall stay here
00:27:26for I was wrong,
00:27:28wrong, wrong. Yes, it
00:27:30is clear I shall stay here
00:27:32where I belong.
00:27:34Alright,
00:27:36you can do it just this once.
00:27:38America!
00:27:44Good night, Jeanie.
00:27:46Good night, Claude.
00:27:48Good night, Wayne.
00:27:50Good night, Claude.
00:27:52Good night, Cassidy.
00:27:54Good night, Claude.
00:27:56Good night, Kevin.
00:27:58Good night, Claude.
00:28:00Good night, Kevin's creepy
00:28:02dead-eyed boy doll.
00:28:04Shut it!
00:28:06Okay, good night, America.
00:28:08Good night, Kevin.
00:28:10Good night, Cassidy.
00:28:12Okay. Good night, America.
00:28:21Shit! You're gonna crash this thing!
00:28:24We're already late, thanks to you.
00:28:34Will you hurry up?
00:28:35Well, I'm sorry my flip-flop blew out.
00:28:37Well, then you're gonna be left behind.
00:28:39I wanna make sure Claude sees me tearing him out.
00:28:43Hey there, Carl. Nice view, huh?
00:28:45It's alright.
00:28:46So, uh, any room up there for...
00:28:49No, no, Chet, not really. I've been waiting here all morning.
00:28:52Look, can you help a friend out?
00:28:54I could help you, but then you'd come to depend on that help, like a welfare queen.
00:28:58God dang it, what the hell is doing...
00:29:01Hey, uh, boss, check it out.
00:29:03It has dual-quad carbs like an original muscle car,
00:29:06but I designed it to sit on a chassis of our existing midsize,
00:29:10so you'd only have to make a few tweaks on the assembly line to...
00:29:13Yeah, whatever.
00:29:14You think maybe later I could have my picture taken with the French kid?
00:29:17Sure, but maybe then can you look at the...
00:29:19I'll definitely think about it, Wayne.
00:29:20Can we Photoshop Claude in with the CEO, do you think?
00:29:23I guess.
00:29:24Yeah, great, great. I gotta pee.
00:29:27Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mayor Stan McEwen.
00:29:30I'm not sure what we're in store for today, but I know it will be special.
00:29:34It is my honor to present the chairwoman of my re-election campaign,
00:29:39Mrs. Jenny Wilson.
00:29:41Hello, everyone.
00:29:43I know you're waiting for the main event,
00:29:45so I'll just read from these prepared remarks written by our special guest.
00:29:49Good afternoon, my cherished new American fiends.
00:29:53Friends! Friends!
00:29:55Sorry, it says fiends here.
00:29:59That is a typo, and not a Freudian slip
00:30:02reflecting something I used to believe with every fiber of my being.
00:30:05Go on.
00:30:06I hope you will appreciate the wonderful surprise I hate for you.
00:30:10Have.
00:30:11And I hope it will kill you.
00:30:12Thrill. More typos. Stupid autocorrect.
00:30:16Am I right?
00:30:18Maybe we should skip.
00:30:20Right, right.
00:30:21Well, clearly I'm not very good at this.
00:30:24So, let me hand over the program to the reason we're all here today.
00:30:28Americaville's new favorite son, your friend and mine, Claude!
00:30:34Claude!
00:31:02Thank you!
00:31:03You are too kind.
00:31:05Okay.
00:31:06If I can help...
00:31:08Thank you! Really, this is too much. Thank you.
00:31:12Silence!
00:31:16I've had some time to reflect on what you wonderful people in this wonderful town
00:31:21in this wonderful country mean to me.
00:31:24And today, I, Claude, from France, want to pay you back for the hospitality you have shown me.
00:31:30To thank not just the Wilson family, give them a hand.
00:31:34There they are.
00:31:36Very nice.
00:31:39Cassidy, please, don't get hooked on me.
00:31:42Choose one of the many idiot boys in this town.
00:31:45And Kevin, I like you. I really do.
00:31:47Put down that stupid dummy.
00:31:49You will never get girls as long as you have that thing.
00:31:54Anyway, I am so grateful to all of you that I have decided to present you with a gift.
00:31:59Much as you Americans were given this Statue of Liberty by my country of France.
00:32:04France being the place I am from and no place else.
00:32:07Here it is!
00:32:10Hey, that's just big rock rock.
00:32:13Yes, but thanks to my talents in explosives,
00:32:17talents which I learned along with every other French schoolboy,
00:32:21in France, the land of my birth,
00:32:23I present to you...
00:32:26Mount America Forevermore!
00:32:33These are your four greatest American icons.
00:32:36Billionaire wig model, Donald Trump.
00:32:39Professional man-hater, Taylor Swift.
00:32:42Tiny ageless weirdo, Tom Cruise.
00:32:45And famed drug lord, Lance Armstrong.
00:32:50I'm getting a hanker full of full-on salute.
00:32:53Oh, so you still do get those.
00:32:56Tom Cruise starred in one of my favorite films, Jerry Maguire.
00:33:00I got misty when Renee Zellweger dumped him.
00:33:02Thanks for the spoiler, jerk. I haven't watched it yet.
00:33:12My American dream has come true.
00:33:15I believe I can safely say, with no fear of being ironically contradicted,
00:33:20that nothing, I mean nothing, can ruin this golden moment.
00:33:24Hello, Ahmed.
00:33:27Holy crap.
00:33:29United States Americans, my name is Hassan Al-Hassan.
00:33:34Hey, that there's a terrorist!
00:33:36Nice going, Chet. Just because he has an Arabic name, he's automatically a terrorist.
00:33:41I am a terrorist.
00:33:44Welcome to America.
00:33:46This person is a traitor.
00:33:49Ahmed's name is an Claude.
00:33:51Ahmed's name is Ahmed.
00:33:53It is?
00:33:54And he is a terrorist.
00:33:56He is?
00:33:57And he is a skeleton.
00:33:59He is?
00:34:00A raritan?
00:34:02I am.
00:34:03Yeah, but if his name is Ahmed, then where's Claude?
00:34:15Is what he said true?
00:34:17No!
00:34:18Well...
00:34:19No, no, no. I'm no terrorist. I'm a nice guy.
00:34:22You know, they reel me, production number me, remember my song?
00:34:27Everything you know about me says I'm a great guy and a true American.
00:34:31Everything except this.
00:34:35I found this in his room.
00:34:37All his plans to blow us up are in here.
00:34:40And some weird drawings of him riding a flying horse?
00:34:44It was a superhero character I was working on.
00:34:47Turban Cowboy.
00:34:48It's turban time.
00:34:50Well, now that I hear it out loud...
00:34:56Come on, guys. This is America.
00:34:58Where if you're white, you can get away with anything.
00:35:01And there's nobody whiter than me.
00:35:05I know him. In my heart, it's not true.
00:35:07It's crazy.
00:35:08What about my reelection? What about being a terrorist?
00:35:10I think he might be a terrorist.
00:35:12Please, I beg you. Listen to me.
00:35:14Are any of us what we really appear to be?
00:35:17Daddy, maybe he is a terrorist.
00:35:18If you would only listen.
00:35:19No, it's something official.
00:35:23Silence! I kill you!
00:35:29Is what a real terrorist might say.
00:35:33I guess we should call the police.
00:35:36Not necessary. I am a deputy.
00:35:38You bought that at a toy store.
00:35:40I didn't buy this at no toy store.
00:35:43I won it in a church raffle.
00:35:45Say your prayer, old man.
00:35:54This is FBI agent Jack Bauer.
00:35:58Not the one from TV.
00:36:02It's my real name. It's fairly common.
00:36:04I get this all the time. Calm down.
00:36:07You have 24 seconds to surrender.
00:36:10Starting now.
00:36:14Oh, no. I'm too pretty for prison.
00:36:17Yes, you are.
00:36:18Achmed, before you go, there's someone who wants to say something.
00:36:22You're a dead man. You should be ashamed.
00:36:25That toy is possessed with a human spirit.
00:36:31Foot bones. Don't fail me now.
00:36:34Stop it, Chet. You're going to hurt somebody.
00:36:37Freedom ain't free, Ev.
00:36:42Not so fast. I've got a Mexican and I'm not afraid to use it.
00:36:46I am not an it. My name is Carlos.
00:36:48This is not about you.
00:36:50Anybody makes a move and I blow him.
00:36:58With the leaf blower.
00:37:00I can't believe you all went there. I am so disappointed.
00:37:14Goodbye, Americaville.
00:37:16Hello, traitor.
00:37:25It's day five of America made to look stupid.
00:37:29The little town of Americaville deals with the revelation
00:37:32that they've been harboring the known terrorist Achmed
00:37:35who lived among them in disguise.
00:37:38Reaction to this story has come from across the political spectrum
00:37:41with Democrats and Republicans finally finding common ground on something.
00:37:46Americaville, now known as Terrorist Town USA,
00:37:50is the worst city in the entire United States.
00:37:53It's a town of pinheads.
00:37:55And the biggest pinheads of all are the family that harbored the terrorist.
00:37:58And they're the subject of my new book, Killing the Wilsons.
00:38:02America is a country of laws and due process.
00:38:05But in the Wilsons' case, a drone strike is too good for them.
00:38:08Are we even sure that Mr. Wilson is the father of this terrorist?
00:38:18Automaker U.S. Motors, where terrorist harborer Wayne Wilson once worked,
00:38:22announced today that as a gesture of apology,
00:38:25they will close their Americaville plant, demolish it, burn the ruins,
00:38:28lock the ashes in a concrete vault, and bury the vault under Giant Stadium.
00:38:32Would you mind if we turn that off?
00:38:35Sorry, we're under orders to make you watch it
00:38:37and keep T-Boing back to the beginning.
00:38:40And they're the subject of my new book, Killing the Wilsons.
00:38:43Killing the Wilsons.
00:38:45Killing the Wilsons.
00:38:47So that's your testimony?
00:38:49You had no idea this fellow was a terrorist or a skeleton?
00:38:52No, we just liked him.
00:38:54Okay, we're done here.
00:38:56Thank you. Maybe we can go back to some version of our lives and...
00:38:59No, ma'am, you don't understand.
00:39:01I said we're done here.
00:39:08This is not the America I grew up in.
00:39:10I'd advise you to be quiet.
00:39:12Anything you say may be used against you at trial.
00:39:14Oh, there won't be a trial.
00:39:16No worries, then. Here we go.
00:39:19My friends, today your new life begins.
00:39:23For just on the other side of this tunnel is America,
00:39:27and your new home.
00:39:29T-Po parking lot.
00:39:31Yes! Oh!
00:39:33We are finally out of that wretched place
00:39:35and away from those horrible people.
00:39:38But you guys have fun. Knock yourselves out.
00:39:49I can't believe the Wilsons just gave me up
00:39:52after all we meant to each other.
00:39:54I broke bread with them.
00:39:56I put a bomb in their guest room.
00:39:58How could you let yourself be brainwashed by those infidels
00:40:01after we spent so much time brainwashing you to hate them?
00:40:04I guess I am just washable.
00:40:07Soon this will all be over,
00:40:09and the decadent nation will only be a bitter memory.
00:40:12Two tickets for the Third World, please. First class.
00:40:15May the Wilsons rot in hell.
00:40:17I am glad I will never see them again.
00:40:20Wait. What's this?
00:40:22There we see the escaped terrorist accomplices
00:40:24being led away to prison.
00:40:26Terrorist lovers, go home!
00:40:28Go back to another country!
00:40:30They were not my accomplices.
00:40:32I was the mastermind of this fiasco.
00:40:34If I could just say one thing.
00:40:36Claude, Achmed, wherever you are, if you can hear me...
00:40:40I can!
00:40:41We know you're really a nice boy,
00:40:44and we hope you're okay.
00:40:47Bitch!
00:40:49What?
00:40:51The Wilsons are put onto the prison bus, and...
00:40:54Goal!
00:40:59I can't let the Wilsons become the first innocent people
00:41:02ever wrongly imprisoned in America.
00:41:04Hassan, you must take me back there to help them.
00:41:07You are insane!
00:41:09I would pay more attention to the shrieks of a rabid water buffalo.
00:41:12Oh, yes. How is your wife?
00:41:15Zing! Boom! American put-down humor!
00:41:18For that, I should kill you till you are dead!
00:41:21But she is fine. She's lost some weight.
00:41:24She's more cow than water buffalo.
00:41:26Anyway, come to your senses!
00:41:28Why do you want to go back to that devil-filled country?
00:41:31All right, I will tell you.
00:41:33I want you to imagine a place where all are equal
00:41:36and all are welcome.
00:41:38No matter where you came from, or who your father was,
00:41:41or how much land you own,
00:41:43it's a place dedicated to the pursuit of happiness,
00:41:46where all the good things in life are spread before you.
00:41:50And it is your right to take as much as your heart desires.
00:41:54This place, my friend, is called...
00:41:57Homebound Buffet.
00:41:59And America is filled with them.
00:42:01Look!
00:42:04These people, they all seem so happy.
00:42:08That's what unlimited buffet does for a nation.
00:42:11Unlimited?
00:42:12Surely there must be some limits.
00:42:15Nope!
00:42:16All right, they serve dinner, yes.
00:42:18But surely not dessert.
00:42:21Bottomless frozen yogurt bar
00:42:23with all kinds of toppings.
00:42:25Oreo, sneakers, tap and crunch?
00:42:28Don't say Butterfingers. Don't say Butterfingers.
00:42:30Butterfingers.
00:42:32I must go there at once.
00:42:38Let me in!
00:42:39I must go to Route 75, America,
00:42:42at the West Town Country Mall at once.
00:42:45No! We have to save the Wilsons first.
00:42:47Just a little froyo?
00:42:49Okay, one standard serving of froyo.
00:42:52No more than two toppings.
00:42:54Oh, yay!
00:42:55Fundes Illegal!
00:42:56Let us in!
00:42:57Hey, you! Get away from there!
00:42:59Holy crap, it's the Popo.
00:43:01That's the funny name they have for police in America.
00:43:04I love it.
00:43:05I said get out of here! No entry!
00:43:08But we have to save our friends!
00:43:10The FBI thinks they are terrorists.
00:43:12But they're not! We are!
00:43:16Is what a bad person would say
00:43:19in the scene from our new Broadway musical,
00:43:22Les Mis Arabs.
00:43:24Gotta go!
00:43:25Terrorists! After them!
00:43:28Ahmed, I am so sorry.
00:43:30What do we do now?
00:43:31We do what Americans do.
00:43:33Eat?
00:43:34No, what Americans do when they run out of options.
00:43:37Throw a Hail Mary pass?
00:43:39Close. They pray.
00:43:41But we pray all the time.
00:43:43Like 38 times a day.
00:43:44No, no, we have to pray like Americans.
00:43:47How is that?
00:43:48They ask for things.
00:43:50Like sports victories?
00:43:51No problem.
00:43:52But we have to pray like Americans.
00:43:55Like sports victories, no pregnancy,
00:43:57and celebrity side boob.
00:43:59What do we pray for? Side boob?
00:44:01No, a miracle!
00:44:14Side boob?
00:44:19It's a miracle!
00:44:20Yes, bald eagle! Mighty American symbol!
00:44:23Who is the second place choice after a turkey?
00:44:25Take us into America!
00:44:27It's turban time!
00:44:53We have live team coverage of the bus convoy
00:44:56as it slowly makes its way down the main street of Americaville
00:44:59and on to Guantanamo.
00:45:01Let's go now live to our Madison Ashford,
00:45:03who is embedded with the terrorist family
00:45:05and their captors.
00:45:07Dave, I'm here with the terrorist sympathizer,
00:45:09Dave.
00:45:10I'm here with the terrorist sympathizer,
00:45:12Dave.
00:45:13I'm here with the terrorist sympathizer,
00:45:15Dave.
00:45:16I'm here with the terrorist sympathizer,
00:45:18Dave.
00:45:19I'm here with the terrorist sympathizer,
00:45:21Dave.
00:45:22I'm here with the terrorist sympathizers.
00:45:24We simply gave him a home.
00:45:27Confessed terrorist sympathizers
00:45:29as they head to their well-earned imprisonment.
00:45:32There's no place like home.
00:45:35Another barrage of eggs has hit the bus.
00:45:37That's why I'm in body armor.
00:45:39There's my Girl Scout leader
00:45:41and my civics teacher.
00:45:45Well, who threw all those?
00:45:47Father O'Malley and Rabbi Wiseman
00:45:49are holding a slingshot for Imam Abdullah.
00:45:55Well, at least we helped bring some people together.
00:45:58Cousins, if there's a hell, you're going to it.
00:46:01Hey, when this is over,
00:46:03you guys want to walk into a bar?
00:46:19Oh, I am so full.
00:46:21I think America is going to mean death to me.
00:46:25Funny.
00:46:26That could be the title of your memoir.
00:46:28That's a little too on the nose for me.
00:46:31I will ask the Wilsons what they think about.
00:46:34The Wilsons!
00:46:35We've got to save them.
00:46:36Hassan, we must leave now,
00:46:38but stealthily to avoid detection.
00:46:44How was your meal, gentlemen?
00:46:46It was perfect.
00:46:47So delicious.
00:46:48But we have to go now.
00:46:49We're bringing out
00:46:50a new trough of Butterfinger pieces.
00:46:52How very fattening of you.
00:46:53Thanks.
00:46:54Are they freshly crumbled?
00:46:56You betcha.
00:46:57Much as we'd like to gorge ourselves
00:46:59into an early grave,
00:47:00we really have to go.
00:47:01Now!
00:47:07Is something wrong?
00:47:09Oh, no, it's all hunky-dory.
00:47:11What could be wrong?
00:47:12We've had our ridiculously huge dinner,
00:47:14burped and farted to our heart's content,
00:47:16and now we're leaving.
00:47:17Just like any other Americans.
00:47:22I look so young in that picture.
00:47:27Holy crap!
00:47:29Well, it looks like you've got us.
00:47:32Oh, look!
00:47:33They're putting out more pizza bread.
00:47:35Go, go, go, go, go!
00:47:47Ah!
00:48:01More sprinkles, please.
00:48:03Oh, and some fresh bread.
00:48:18Wow!
00:48:19This country throws out so many cars.
00:48:22It's fantastic!
00:48:24I know!
00:48:25Right?
00:48:26This is not good.
00:48:27The Whittlesons need me,
00:48:29and I've let them down.
00:48:30The least I can do, in case we don't make it,
00:48:33is write a note that clears them.
00:48:36Can it be?
00:48:37Hassan!
00:48:38How are you at building things?
00:48:40Not as good as blowing things up.
00:48:42That's going to have to change.
00:48:44Grab that welding crap
00:48:45and come with me!
00:48:47What are we building?
00:48:49You'll see!
00:48:59These are hurting my wrists.
00:49:01Sorry, ma'am.
00:49:02I'm under orders.
00:49:05All right.
00:49:07You can do that?
00:49:09It's highly classified.
00:49:11So are you.
00:49:13I'm not sure you know what that word means,
00:49:16but thank you.
00:49:20Ooh, Chris Matthews is going to get moist over this.
00:49:25Honey, ain't this the best anniversary present?
00:49:28Seeing our neighbors go to prison.
00:49:30Jewelry's nice.
00:49:32Hey, what song should I play now?
00:49:35How about America, F Yeah,
00:49:37from that Team America movie?
00:49:39That song is ironic, Chet.
00:49:41It ain't ironic if you don't get the joke.
00:49:47Ow!
00:49:48That better be cage-free.
00:49:50Bite my justice, you arugula-eatin' left turd!
00:49:54Now, I know things look bad,
00:49:56but we can't just give up.
00:49:58We have to maintain hope
00:50:00that something or someone can save us.
00:50:03That's right, kids.
00:50:05We have to hope for something better
00:50:07because that's what we do.
00:50:09I don't know who will help us.
00:50:11It could be a stranger.
00:50:13It could be someone who hasn't been born yet.
00:50:16It could be...
00:50:17Flaming Skull!
00:50:19Is that a superhero?
00:50:21No, it's a flaming skull!
00:50:23Look!
00:50:28Greetings, infernal!
00:50:30It's Claude!
00:50:32My name is Achmed.
00:50:40Je déteste les stupides. Ils sont idiots!
00:50:46Go, car!
00:50:51Wiener substitute!
00:50:53Aw, hell no!
00:50:58Leave him alone, Chet!
00:50:59You're what's wrong with America!
00:51:01No, you're what's wrong with America!
00:51:03America!
00:51:05Gentlemen, you are both correct!
00:51:09Hey, Wunder! Get out of my way!
00:51:11I hate you, Chet!
00:51:12Damn, I've always hated you!
00:51:14Can't carve?
00:51:18Oh, sorry.
00:51:20No worries. We've got Obamacare.
00:51:24Hello, Wiener stands!
00:51:26I love you!
00:51:29Even you, you little backstabber!
00:51:32Thanks, Achmed!
00:51:34I still say he's a bad man!
00:51:37What has been practicing?
00:51:39Chase!
00:51:43Great Hoover's pantyhose! What the hell?
00:51:49I am turning myself in!
00:51:51He's turning himself into a bomb!
00:51:53I think he said turning myself in.
00:51:55When did you graduate from Quantico? Prepare to fire!
00:51:58How is it going?
00:52:01Been better, been worse.
00:52:03Don't shoot! Please, hear him out!
00:52:06Ladies and gentlemen, and big dangerous guns,
00:52:09I came back to tell you that these wonderful people,
00:52:12the Wilsons, do not deserve to be taken to prison.
00:52:16I do!
00:52:19Wait, wait, wait. Why did we all just gasp?
00:52:21We know he should go to prison.
00:52:23I don't know. I feel kind of stupid about that now.
00:52:26It's true that I came here with the intent of doing you harm,
00:52:29but that is all over.
00:52:31And the Wilsons had nothing to do with it,
00:52:34because they are decent, kind people, like Americans everywhere.
00:52:39Let me know when you got the shot.
00:52:41Roger that.
00:52:43The Wilsons' only crime was seeing the best in me,
00:52:47and my only crime was not seeing the best in them,
00:52:51and plotting to blow up the whole town, yada, yada.
00:52:54If I may say a word or two?
00:52:56Of course, sir.
00:52:57Where's my kill shot, people?
00:52:59I don't see him.
00:53:00Oh, wait.
00:53:03That's better. We are clear.
00:53:05Subject is in the target zone.
00:53:07On my command in three...
00:53:09I'd like to say a few words about this remarkable young man.
00:53:13Hey, whoever is playing with that laser pen out there should really stop.
00:53:17You could detach a retina.
00:53:18They're going to shoot him!
00:53:20Two, one, fire!
00:53:21Sniper team, stand down!
00:53:23What? Who is that?
00:53:25I said stand down!
00:53:27That is a direct order!
00:53:29This is General Charles McCarthy of the United States Joint Command,
00:53:32and I order you to stand down now!
00:53:36That's better.
00:53:37It's a miracle.
00:53:39Kind of.
00:53:40Now toss your weapons in that drainage ditch.
00:53:45And let Mr. Wilson speak!
00:53:48Thank you, General McCarthy.
00:53:50And thank you, son.
00:53:53Ow!
00:53:58Why aren't they shooting him? He's right there.
00:54:01He's surrendering peacefully.
00:54:03Not in my America.
00:54:04Nadir, this ain't right.
00:54:06Why can't you be more supportive of my hobbies?
00:54:12That is not good.
00:54:18I can see my cave from here.
00:54:20Or of war, you tail-headed French fry.
00:54:23Now, Chet!
00:54:25Don't now Chet me.
00:54:27He got what he deserved.
00:54:29You do good things and you'll be rewarded.
00:54:31You do bad things and it's us to live by fire.
00:54:35Hiya, Chet.
00:54:37Save me, Sean Hannity!
00:54:43No! My fuel-efficient hybrid!
00:54:46My lower torso!
00:54:51The End
00:54:59Anyway, you were saying?
00:55:01How can you still be alive?
00:55:03I think I know.
00:55:05Because the American dream burns within him.
00:55:08Actually, that's a piece of shrapnel.
00:55:11But I feel you.
00:55:12This amazing young man, this skeleton...
00:55:15Yes, I admit now he is just a talking skeleton.
00:55:18No offense.
00:55:19Please, we're past that.
00:55:21He stays alive because he believes in the America we all believe in.
00:55:26A place where you can make a fresh start,
00:55:29no matter where you came from.
00:55:31Where you can arrive in this country without a dollar in your pocket,
00:55:35change your name and make a new life.
00:55:38It happened to someone you might have heard of.
00:55:41Someone named Miss Shania Twain.
00:55:46She's not American?
00:55:47Canadian.
00:55:49No.
00:55:50Who's Shania Twain?
00:55:52I love Shania Twain.
00:55:54You do?
00:55:56So, to quote one of Shania Twain's biggest hits...
00:56:00Man, I Feel Like a Woman?
00:56:02No. Let's find a new spirit of cooperation and forgiveness.
00:56:07That don't impress me much.
00:56:08Not that one either. I'm getting there.
00:56:10Let's put our hearts together and...
00:56:12Those were two of her biggest hits, according to Billboard's Country Western chart.
00:56:15Silence!
00:56:16You were saying?
00:56:18Let's make a new America, Bill.
00:56:20And a new America from this moment on.
00:56:25Awww.
00:56:28Okay, that was big, too.
00:56:34Come here.
00:56:37I guess there's nobody for me to hug.
00:56:40Is this your stupid little annoying dog?
00:56:43Billy!
00:56:44Billy? I do not know who you are talking to.
00:56:47My name is Claude.
00:56:49No, silly. The dog's name is Bill.
00:56:51You Americans give your dogs people names?
00:56:54You are as dim-witted as you are boring.
00:56:57I think I just got shot with an arrow.
00:57:00Uh, you can all go home. Sorry about that.
00:57:03That's okay. And Achmed is free to go, too, right?
00:57:06Uh...
00:57:07No, I am a criminal, after all.
00:57:09I do not think there is a Shania Twain song to help me escape paying my debt to society.
00:57:14No one needs to know, is appropriate.
00:57:17Hey!
00:57:18Hey!
00:57:19Hey!
00:57:20Hey!
00:57:21Hey!
00:57:22Hey!
00:57:23Hey!
00:57:24Hey!
00:57:25Hey!
00:57:26Nobody need to know, is appropriate.
00:57:27Look!
00:57:29How do you like that? It's the President!
00:57:32Of the United States?
00:57:34Yes! The United States Motor Company.
00:57:39Uh... Mr. Achmed.
00:57:41I've just spoken to the Attorney General,
00:57:43and based on my offer to personally vouch for your renunciation of terrorism
00:57:48and the fact that you never accomplished anything destructive –
00:57:51It's true. He blows.
00:57:53is prepared to grant you a full, complete, and unconditional pardon.
00:57:56Yay!
00:57:58On one condition.
00:57:59Boo!
00:58:00That you share with me the plans for that amazing car
00:58:03that you just drove here today.
00:58:05My car?
00:58:08Yes, you've done the seemingly impossible.
00:58:10You've created an American-made automobile in America
00:58:14that Americans actually want to buy.
00:58:16It is a badass ride.
00:58:18It's a deal.
00:58:19Yay!
00:58:20On one condition.
00:58:22Boo!
00:58:24No, no, it's a good condition.
00:58:26Yay!
00:58:28The condition is you give credit
00:58:30to the man who actually designed this car,
00:58:33Wayne Wilson.
00:58:34I thought that looked familiar.
00:58:36It should.
00:58:37Hassan and I built it based on your drawing.
00:58:40The flaming skull was me.
00:58:41Hey, everyone.
00:58:42Carl and I are opening a bed and breakfast.
00:58:45Sorry, Ev.
00:58:46Well, I wondered when you were gonna finally figure yourself out.
00:58:49Go be happy.
00:58:51Just leave me and Stan the beach house in Roanoke.
00:58:53Stan?
00:58:54Goodbye!
00:58:55I was a terrible mayor.
00:58:59This is the country you want to live in?
00:59:01There is not a better one.
00:59:03Then maybe you can be a reference for my job application?
00:59:08Former terrorist log.
00:59:10Love date 83.13.
00:59:12I am now a citizen of Americaville.
00:59:15It's a good life.
00:59:16Wayne and Ginny have found their true calling.
00:59:21The kids are having fun.
00:59:24I've found a job where I can use my skills
00:59:27and make people happy.
00:59:29And once a week,
00:59:30we all get together for a bountiful feast.
00:59:38Yes, all in all,
00:59:40it's been one incredible year.
00:59:42And the next one will be even better.
00:59:47Goodnight, Wayne.
00:59:48Goodnight, Achmed.
00:59:49Goodnight, Ginny.
00:59:50Goodnight, Achmed.
00:59:52Goodnight, Cassidy.
00:59:53Goodnight, Kevin.
00:59:54Goodnight, little Jeff.
00:59:55Goodnight.
00:59:56Goodnight!
00:59:57Goodnight, dog with the dynamite in his mouth.
01:00:00Uh-oh.
01:00:02Good boy.
01:00:21Oh, yeah.
01:00:22Oh, yeah.
01:00:23Oh, yeah.
01:00:24Oh, yeah.
01:00:25Oh, yeah.
01:00:26Oh, yeah.
01:00:27Oh, yeah.
01:00:28Oh, yeah.
01:00:29Oh, yeah.
01:00:30Oh, yeah.
01:00:31Oh, yeah.
01:00:32Oh, yeah.
01:00:33Oh, yeah.
01:00:34Oh, yeah.
01:00:35Oh, yeah.
01:00:36Oh, yeah.
01:00:37Oh, yeah.
01:00:38Oh, yeah.
01:00:39Oh, yeah.
01:00:40Oh, yeah.
01:00:41Oh, yeah.
01:00:42Oh, yeah.
01:00:43Oh, yeah.
01:00:44Oh, yeah.
01:00:45Oh, yeah.
01:00:46Oh, yeah.
01:00:47Oh, yeah.
01:00:48Oh, yeah.
01:00:49Oh, yeah.
01:00:50Oh, yeah.
01:00:51Oh, yeah.
01:00:52Oh, yeah.
01:00:53Oh, yeah.
01:00:54Oh, yeah.
01:00:55Oh, yeah.
01:00:56Oh, yeah.
01:00:57Oh, yeah.
01:00:58Oh, yeah.
01:00:59Oh, yeah.
01:01:00Oh, yeah.
01:01:01Oh, yeah.
01:01:02Oh, yeah.
01:01:03Oh, yeah.
01:01:04Oh, yeah.
01:01:05Oh, yeah.
01:01:06Oh, yeah.
01:01:07Oh, yeah.
01:01:08Oh, yeah.
01:01:09Oh, yeah.
01:01:10Oh, yeah.
01:01:11Oh, yeah.
01:01:12Oh, yeah.
01:01:13Oh, yeah.
01:01:14Oh, yeah.
01:01:15Oh, yeah.
01:01:16Oh, yeah.
01:01:17Oh, yeah.