Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00♪
00:05♪
00:10♪
00:15♪
00:20♪
00:25♪
00:30♪
00:34What's that?
00:35Mrs...
00:36What's that?
00:38Why are you expecting to put that on my head, are you?
00:41The contest did ask for a ship.
00:43Well, I expected a little imagination.
00:45Yes, a glorious man o' war.
00:47Yes, he's upresting huge waves of hair.
00:50This looks like it's run aground.
00:52Yeah, on a dead poodle.
00:55My mistress here, in seven days' time,
00:57is attending a very exclusive soirée de musique.
01:00Musica!
01:01When she takes her seat, she wants the people in the row behind
01:03thinking there's been a bloody great eclipse!
01:06Yes!
01:07Big, monsieur!
01:08Big!
01:09You no compreech he?
01:12Perfect me.
01:14Oh, I forgot about him.
01:16Madame, there's a messenger here with very urgent news.
01:20My lady, I come hotfoot from your country estate
01:23to inform you that your beloved husband is gravely ill.
01:28Who?
01:30The old cunt.
01:34Connery!
01:36I will, of course, spare Madame the ghastly details.
01:40Oh, no, it's all right, go on, go on.
01:42Suffice it to say that his face is a hideous mass
01:46of suppurating pustules
01:48and certain extremities have dropped off.
01:52Well, come on, what other news?
01:54You know, the tulip's out.
01:57Um...
01:58I need something to cheer me up, monsieur.
02:00Yeah, she's just had the most appalling shock
02:03any woman can ever have on you.
02:05I mean, look at this!
02:07Look at this!
02:08I wouldn't impress anyone unless there's sat on it.
02:11All right.
02:12Looks like a shredded turnip, monsieur.
02:14Very, very shoddy work.
02:15Shoddy work.
02:16You're whacking in minutes.
02:17Take it away.
02:18It's very shoddy, shoddy, shoddy.
02:21Is it 12 o'clock?
02:22I have an appointment with Madame de Plonge
02:24and she hates to be kept waiting.
02:25Oh, well, it's... it's half past three.
02:27Excellent!
02:30Now, that young man...
02:31All a charade, my dear.
02:33The Comtesse de Vache hasn't had a decent lover since she was ten
02:37and he put it about a lot for a nine-year-old.
02:41She has a husband.
02:42I expect he provides all the warmth and love she needs.
02:45Long as she doesn't need it very often, yes.
02:48At his advanced age,
02:50the warmest bit is normally an inflamed goiter.
02:54Of course, he is remarkably wealthy.
02:58Oh, mademoiselle, you're not suggesting she married him for his money?
03:02My dear, when one is trying to excite a sack of dried fruit,
03:06it's amazing how 60,000 a year puts power to one's elbow.
03:12The woman is too sordid for words.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:26I'm sure that's not true.
03:28There are plenty of words to describe how sordid a person is.
03:33Disgustingly vile.
03:35Sufficiently repulsive to induce continuous vomiting.
03:39So festeringly nauseous that her corrupt...
03:43Oh, Evelyn!
03:45Everyone speaks very highly of her to Marie Antoinette.
03:48Only because they have to.
03:51She knows things.
03:53Things?
03:55Makes it her business to uncover all the dark, embarrassing little secrets
04:00that one would rather not be made public.
04:02Like what?
04:04That is not for the ears of an innocent and pure young girl.
04:09You are innocent and pure.
04:12And more, you embarrass me.
04:15I wouldn't know a penis if I sat on one.
04:29I can't see her.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:54That was close.
04:56Now, Deplonge, what do we know about...
04:58P-E-P-E-P-P-P.
05:00Right.
05:01Madame Deplonge.
05:03The lover, at present, of the Marquis de Bonville,
05:06the Vicomte de Brut,
05:08several chevaliers,
05:10two gardeners,
05:12a doberman
05:14and a butcher.
05:16So, no shortage of meat in her diet.
05:21What does she want with me? That's the question.
05:24If I may hazard a hypothesis,
05:27I believe she has come to present her daughter, Evelyn,
05:30who has recently sprouted into a woman.
05:33Oh, that's interesting.
05:35Have you ever done that before?
05:40Be warned, mistress.
05:42Madame Deplonge is known to be jealous
05:44of your good relations with the Queen Consort.
05:47With who, with who, with who?
05:49The Queen Consort, Marie Antoinette.
05:52You've seen her around the palace.
05:54Big beau peep look-alike, crowned.
05:56The Austrian tart, the King Mary.
05:58Oh, thank you.
06:00Yes, yes, yes.
06:02So, Madame Deplonge is jealous.
06:04Oh, not our...
06:06And it is said she will stop at naught
06:08and bring about your utter and total downfall.
06:12Well, it's all game today, isn't it?
06:15Yes.
06:17I don't know.
06:19Oh, right.
06:21Clever.
06:23Oh, Madame Deplonge.
06:25Oh, madame La Comptesse.
06:27What a marvellously delightful intrusion.
06:29I must apologise for keeping you waiting.
06:31I'm afraid I was doing something rather more important.
06:34Lizzie. Lizzie.
06:36Oh, still, enough of these pleasantries.
06:39What brings you this end of the palace fully clothed?
06:43Madame La Comptesse, may I have the honour
06:46of introducing my daughter, Eveline?
06:48Oh, my dear.
06:50Your spitting image of your father.
06:52Have you met him?
06:57I think, madame, that you are very insulting
07:00and if you intend to continue, I shall leave immediately.
07:03Oh, well, goodbye.
07:05Now, then, madame is already late
07:08for her afternoon bouche-Ã -bouche
07:10with a rapidly expanding flax merchant.
07:13So, if you will excuse her.
07:15Eveline, darling, would you wait for me in the corridor?
07:18Maman.
07:22If you're about to discuss the pleasures of the flesh,
07:25I'm hardly likely to understand.
07:27The advantage of being innocent is words like multiple orgasm
07:30and hung like a carthouse mean absolutely nothing.
07:34Goodbye, goodbye.
07:37Go home and wash your mouth out, you dirty bitch.
07:45Madame, madame La Comptesse,
07:47as a true and loyal friend,
07:50may I ask a small favour?
07:53Some months ago, I became acquainted with the Marquis de Bonvis,
07:57a remarkably sympathique young man of impeccable dimension.
08:03However, what began as a mere dalliance on my part
08:06has become an embarrassment.
08:08The man worships the very cushions I sit on.
08:10Could just be poor eyesight.
08:13I was therefore wondering
08:16if you knew of someone woman enough
08:20to attract him away from me.
08:24LAUGHTER
08:29Bonvis, Bonvis...
08:31Bonvis. I think madame has already had him.
08:37Baffin, Bordeaux...
08:40Basingstoke.
08:42A brief lull in the hostilities with the British.
08:46No Bonvis, strangely.
08:48Of course I realise the dangers.
08:51Should whoever it is fail,
08:54she would undoubtedly become the laughingstock of the entire palace.
09:03Then it will clearly have to be someone assured of success, madame.
09:13Well, can't we get these up a bit?
09:15Madame, they are up any higher
09:17and you may find they interfere with your hearing.
09:19They don't make an impression.
09:20Then I suggest you hit him with them.
09:22We're quite sure this is a good idea, are we?
09:25I mean, the Marquis de Bonvis, he's young, he's handsome,
09:29he's sexually voracious.
09:31Oh, is he?
09:32Actually, maybe I should do it.
09:34No, just say the word, madame, and I will.
09:37I will selflessly catapult myself straight into his britches.
09:41Thereby sacrificing my own good name for the glory of my mistress.
09:45You know, there are some things one quite likes to do by oneself.
09:50Well, of course you'd be familiar with that concept.
09:55That's him! Oh, get back here!
09:58When he opens that door,
09:59he's expecting a vision of aristocratic loveliness.
10:03Yes, all right.
10:05Not me!
10:09Oh, is the bed prepared?
10:11Yeah, three pillows, as madame requested.
10:13One for herself, one for the Marquis,
10:15and one to keep your arse up.
10:19What shall I be?
10:21Demure, I think, like the portrait.
10:25It's a bit wistful.
10:27I'd be more sexualer if I was you.
10:29Oh, right.
10:31How?
10:32Oh, that's very good.
10:34Ready? Go.
10:36Oh, you honour us with your presence.
10:40What?
10:41What?
10:42Your husband's end has been diagnosed as very nigh, madame.
10:45Well, that's why he must stay in the country.
10:47That's why you must stay in the country!
10:49Say it anyway!
10:51You can't go and die here!
10:53You know, it's forbidden...
10:55It's forbidden to dig holes in the palace grounds.
10:57You know that, you fool!
10:59His only desire is to leave this vale of tears
11:02with his head pressed to your bosom.
11:04Oh, no, I'm expecting someone else for that.
11:07The only way you wouldn't want to cuddle that
11:10Well, you might, but would you?
11:15Just bring him in and lay him somewhere, then.
11:19But you can't stay long!
11:21You can't stay long on the road!
11:25Oh, he smells like a syphilitics piss pot.
11:28His face is disgusting.
11:30Well, you haven't seen the rest of him.
11:32I mean, it's always been like sleeping with an elephant's scrotum.
11:36Go on, I need to weep for my husband, monsieur.
11:38She's got loads of weeping to do. Come on!
11:43Oh, it's him, it's him.
11:45I don't do this. I've got nuns to shave.
11:48Shut up.
11:49Right. Ready? A bit more sexier.
11:52Good.
11:56Yes?
11:57I'm a priest, madame, sent to pray for your husband's life.
12:01What, now?
12:02Well, now would be preferable. After death, it gets slightly tricky.
12:06Right, come in quickly. Come on, quickly.
12:08Mush, mush, mush.
12:10Don't ring any bells and don't burn anything that smells.
12:15Madame cannot seduce Bon-Vie with a priest in the next room.
12:20I don't see why not. He's not going to join in, is he?
12:23It's Friday. They're only allowed fish.
12:26You'll have to have a tryst somewhere.
12:29A tryst?
12:30Yeah, a tryst. You know, trysts, they're all the rage.
12:33You'll have to have a tryst again, like you did last summer.
12:36A tryst again? Yes, like I did last year.
12:39Yeah.
12:41What about the orange grove?
12:43And then madame could have him on the banquette.
12:46Now, Lisette, inform the marquis
12:49that I shall be accidentally passing by in ten minutes.
12:52All right-o.
12:54A tryst.
12:56Ha-ha-ha!
12:59And the palace physician, madame, come to save your dear master's life.
13:03Oh, don't bother. If God can't do it, you've got a fat chance.
13:10So you've got it, right? It's changed to the orange grove.
13:13Oh. Well, tell your mistress
13:15she has made a most succulently delicious selection
13:18and I shall be waiting with my ardour barely concealed.
13:22Right. You have actually seen her, haven't you?
13:25Nothing. Just wondering.
13:29Oh, no.
13:34If that's someone for her husband with a measuring stick,
13:37tell them oak with brass handles.
13:40Oh, and no death mask.
13:42This could be one of the few corpses that improve with age.
13:46It's the queen.
13:48Oh, would you imagine? I like meeting your friends.
13:51I'm rather pushed for time.
13:53No, no, no, no, no.
13:55The queen. Well, consort Marie Antoinette.
13:59But I'm in a rush. Can't you get rid of her?
14:01Madame, if I could do that,
14:03you would now be watching ten million Frenchmen kiss my buttocks.
14:06A woman couldn't take a hint if one nailed it to a suppository.
14:13Monsieur le Marquis de Bonvis.
14:15I hope I haven't stumbled on a scene of depraved and licentious debauchery.
14:20As you see, mademoiselle, I am all alone.
14:23And I'm sure there's nothing improper in us sharing a banquette.
14:39Your Majesty.
14:45My dear, I am so, so...
14:48So...
14:53Sad.
14:55Sad that your husband is covered in the dreadful ruptures.
15:00Particularly as he was not the best-looking man in the first place.
15:04You're so kind, so kind.
15:06As your king's...
15:08Frau?
15:10Bit of rumpo.
15:13Bit of rumpo.
15:15I must tell you that here in Austria, everyone is wee pink.
15:21France.
15:23Ja, France, Spain, everyone is wee pink.
15:28Your Majesty is so kind, but I'm sure she has more important things to do
15:32than waste her time on matters of such small consequence.
15:35No, no.
15:39Your Majesty.
15:41Oh, do, oh, do.
15:43Oh, do, oh, do.
15:45There's been a problem.
15:47Oh, do. You must come.
15:49Your Majesty is here.
15:51Oh, do, oh, do.
15:55Ah! A rat!
15:57Who's a rat?
15:58You'd better run in the opposite direction, Your Majesty.
16:01Oh, I love rats.
16:05Be easy, baby.
16:09Come easy.
16:11Come slowly.
16:19Madame, I must ask you to cancel your seduction of the Marquis de Bonvis,
16:24who I now love and worship with every inch of my body.
16:28Why did this happen?
16:30Just now, with every inch of his.
16:34Listen, you little flower of the dung heap,
16:36have you any idea who you're talking to here?
16:38I have.
16:39Which is why, though my heart weeps to have to throw my own parent
16:43to a pit of slavering hyenas,
16:46if you swear not to molest my darling Bonvis,
16:50I will divulge a dark and dreadful secret regarding my mother.
16:58Ooh.
17:00I promise. She promises.
17:02Aside from my fiancée, Mamor is or has been the lover of
17:06the V. Comte de Broux, several chevaliers...
17:09I thought it was going to be interesting.
17:11..two gardeners, a butcher...
17:14She didn't know about the Doberman.
17:16..and your husband, the Comte de Vache.
17:25I mean, what would anyone want with that, huh?
17:28They haven't touched it since 1771.
17:32Before? Never.
17:35I was enquiring as to Madame de Plonge's motive, monsieur.
17:38Ooh.
17:40Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Money.
17:42Rather late in life for that one to turn professional.
17:48Not if she stood to make a huge fortune
17:52and simultaneously ruin the most hated and despised
17:57and loathed woman in all of France.
18:02Who?
18:07Um...
18:09Oh...
18:11What, me? Me?
18:13Well... No!
18:15No, not you.
18:17Well, yes, you.
18:19But there are some other people that are just as loathed as you.
18:22Like, um...
18:24Well, like, um...
18:26Marie Antoinette. Oh, God, yes, she's loathed.
18:28She is loathed. She is so loathed.
18:30And Marquise de Fufo is heartily disliked.
18:33Heartily? She's a cow. She's a complete cow.
18:35Yes.
18:37Anyway, anyway, anyway.
18:40Madame de Plonge can ruin me?
18:43How? How?
18:52If the old cunt dies,
18:54you stand to inherit everything, right?
18:57Yeah, well, I didn't marry him for his looks, you know.
18:59A slug wouldn't have married him for his looks.
19:01However, if you are involved in some kind of public scandal,
19:05like humping the Marquis de Bonville, for instance,
19:08he might decide to give his money to someone else, mightn't he?
19:12Someone who's got a cleavage so big
19:14you could lose a giraffe down it.
19:17Someone who's been throwing herself at him
19:20like an Olympic wet nurse.
19:25Oh, man.
19:28Madame de Plonge...
19:30Plonge! Oh, it all ties up.
19:36Oh!
19:38Oh!
19:40Now, be careful.
19:44Madame, my breast is aflame with passion.
19:47My loins are burning bush of lust,
19:50waiting only to be doused by you.
19:53Could you come back? I'm afraid.
19:58Oh, what do I do?
20:01If I may proffer a pensée, madame.
20:04Yes, all right, spit it out, come on.
20:07If your husband should die before you copulate with the Marquis,
20:11surely there'll be no problem?
20:14Oh, I know what he's saying.
20:16He's just using highfalutin words to say,
20:18wait till the old cunt dies,
20:20and then you can shag the hunk and we're all in the clear.
20:24Well, that must happen soon. Yes, like now.
20:27Now, he must die now. Now!
20:29Must die now, honouree!
20:31Eterne deus salus, eterna credentium...
20:34Right. Excuse me, excuse me.
20:37Um...
20:39I don't know why you're doing all your Padre Glorioso,
20:42salvo...
20:45How often do you actually get a result?
20:47It's just that my mistress looks very good in black
20:50and if Jesus wants him for a sunbeam,
20:53nobody is objecting.
20:55I mean, look at him, he's so old.
20:57I mean, if you'd ever seen him trying to suck a Golden Delicious,
21:00you'd know it's a miracle he's struggled all this long.
21:04Mistress, I've had another thought.
21:06Madame de Plange can be remarkably persuasive.
21:09What if the comte has already changed his will?
21:15Well, get a doctor! Get a doctor!
21:17I don't do doctors!
21:19Oh, get a doctor!
21:21I was given to understand that my services as court physician
21:24were not required.
21:25Well, I'm sorry, that was when she wanted him dead.
21:27She now wants him alive, though having seen him,
21:29I wouldn't have thought there was much difference.
21:31I, sir, am not a puppy doctor,
21:33be sent for and dismissed willy-nilly.
21:35Oh, do stop whinging.
21:37Do you have any idea what I have been through today?
21:41I made the most exquisite ship wig ever seen,
21:44bristling with crow's nests and poop decks.
21:47Given the right crew, it could have rammed Portsmouth.
21:50And was that good enough?
21:52Make it bigger, she says. Big, monsieur, big!
21:55So don't talk to me about injured pride, you fat queen,
21:58because mine has been irreparably bashed!
22:00I wonder if I could interest you in a revolutionary treatment for stress.
22:05Stress? Yes.
22:07Basically, one takes four leeches,
22:12places them in one's hand,
22:14and whenever one feels that tension building up,
22:18one simply squeezes them.
22:24Of course, it can be dreadfully messy.
22:31Oh! Will he live?
22:33That, I'm afraid, is in the lap of God.
22:36What exactly does he have?
22:38It's the pox.
22:39I'm not quite sure which kind of pox.
22:41As you know, there are lots of poxes.
22:43However, I've washed out his bowels.
22:45I don't know if he'll do much good,
22:47but it's certainly perked the priest up.
22:56So how can I find out if he's altered his will?
23:00If I might...
23:03Oh, come on, then. Come on.
23:05Well, if your husband has changed his will,
23:08then surely his death would come as a pleasant surprise to Madame de Plonge.
23:12All one has to do, therefore,
23:14is convince her he is dead and gauge her reaction.
23:20Ah!
23:22He's very good, isn't he?
23:24Well, he's homosexual, isn't he?
23:28Sent you away?
23:30That's impossible!
23:32Did you show her your legs?
23:34Yes, well, I...
23:35Oh, you have failed me, monsieur.
23:38I was given to understand a mere flash of your smile
23:41could deflower a cemetery.
23:44I take it you have no excuses.
23:47I believe her husband was there.
23:50Husband?
23:51Mm. It's not unusual.
23:53After a busy day at their offices,
23:55many just like to sit back and watch something undemanding.
23:58There could have been a danger of him missing my big finish.
24:01He's dying.
24:03No, no, no, he can't die yet.
24:10Oh.
24:12For my, er...
24:14Miss...
24:26The Compton Comtesse de Vache
24:28incordially invite Madame du Plonge
24:30to a supper of finger snacks and stuffed fancies
24:33in their apartments at eight o'clock.
24:37So, you see, monsieur,
24:40his condition is not as brave as you say.
24:46Oh.
24:47He looks so at peace with the world, doesn't he?
24:50So serene.
24:51Still, he's had a good innings.
24:53It's the way he would have liked to have gone.
24:55KNOCK AT DOOR
24:58I've dug it.
24:59Yes, I thought we'd touch.
25:02Madame can't bury him.
25:04Can't her?
25:05He's not dead.
25:07It's simply a ruse to fool Madame du Plonge.
25:11Yes, so?
25:12What more convincing a ruse than him
25:15six feet down under a slab of marble?
25:19Well, obviously I'll dig him up again,
25:21you know, if anyone feels particularly strongly.
25:25You may be homosexual, monsieur,
25:27but you've got no sense of humour.
25:30Now, you know what you have to do?
25:32You engage the Comtesse in some mindless conversation
25:35while I convince the old comp to alter his will.
25:38Which is not a sin because when the money is ours
25:41we will distribute it among all the poor people of France
25:44so they have a lovely Christmas and a bright and happy future.
25:48Yes, dear, that's right.
25:50That's right.
25:57Welcome to this place of woe.
26:10Oh, my dears, how delightful of you to have come.
26:15You should have brought the Marquis with you.
26:19Would have saved one of you having to climb off him.
26:23Now, tell me, what can we get you?
26:25Something long and spicy and a butcher's apron, perhaps?
26:30But forgive me the introduction.
26:36Have you met my husband?
26:38Two, three, four.
26:44Oh!
26:53You're a scraggy, selfish, old pisspot!
26:58Ah!
27:01LAUGHTER
27:13Wig! Wig!
27:17If Madame will wait a second, I shall have it winched out of its crate.
27:24A miracle! Oh, praise the Lord, it's a miracle!
27:28Oh, is he still here?
27:32It's quite the most remarkable recovery I've ever seen.
27:36Though, as his wife, you should be warned.
27:38I believe it to have been a sexually transmitted disease.
27:41Oh, thank God for that.
27:43If I was worried sick, I might be in danger.
27:46Is this not a day of celebration?
27:54Er, water!
27:57Oh!
28:01And then, monsieur, perhaps you will tell me how SHE got it.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:26LAUGHTER
28:30LAUGHTER
28:37MUSIC
28:56MUSIC