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00:30Are you mad, Melia?
00:34Well, I've spoken to the inventors, madame,
00:36and they say it's all perfectly safe.
00:38I can't believe it.
00:39Did you hear about that?
00:41Do I?
00:42I don't think you know. It's very bad.
00:44Explain to me how it works again.
00:46Well, they get a great big bag and they fill it full of hot air.
00:50I'm not sure how they do it.
00:51I think they burst a couple of priests inside it.
00:54Whereupon, madame clambers into a little wicker basket,
00:57which is dangling beneath, and ooh, ooh, ooh,
01:00up she goes, very excited.
01:02What do you say, a basket?
01:03Well, obviously, future models are going to have cabins
01:06with gorgeous little en suite boudoirs
01:08with finger sandwiches and little mini soaps.
01:12Well, that's useful as you plummet to your death.
01:16Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
01:18Oh!
01:21No, I like my feet planted firmly on the ground, thank you.
01:25Except, of course, bouffant.
01:27When they're dangling either side of a duke's neck.
01:31And that was dangerous enough
01:33until starched ruffs went out of fashion.
01:36Ha-ha-ha!
01:38What? What?
01:39Now, of course, it would create enormous jealousy in the palace.
01:45Would it? Oh, yes.
01:47Because madame would only be the second thing
01:50to ever go up in a hot air balloon.
01:52Imagine that, very exciting.
01:54What do you mean, thing? What do you say, thing?
01:56Well, they have had a test flight with a sheep.
02:00What?
02:02Who?
02:03With a sheep.
02:05What? What did you say?
02:06With a sheep.
02:07But fear not, madame, they have scrubbed it out.
02:10The basket is clean.
02:12I have a contest of vache.
02:14I won't be someone's second choice after a sheep.
02:17Depends who you ask.
02:19Oh, all right.
02:20I'll do something else.
02:22I'll go to a nice talk show or something.
02:25If madame is experiencing a dash of ennui,
02:29perhaps the day might be advantageously expended
02:32in pursuit of un peu de toilette personnel.
02:36Oh, good thinking.
02:37No, no, no, no. I hate croquet.
02:39I'm going to do a little...
02:41A bath, madame?
02:43It's a bath, innit? It's a bath!
02:45Bath?
02:46Well, madame is always saying how tired she is
02:49of being a walk-in buffet for a crowd of blue bottles.
02:52Oh, it's a joke. There's no need to go to extremes.
02:55I've had a bath, haven't I?
02:57Yes, 1773 was indeed one of our less pungent years.
03:03I mean, I'm regularly scraped down.
03:06Before.
03:09I believe men nowadays prefer their women a little ripe.
03:14They don't necessarily prefer them
03:16with moss growing on their chests.
03:19No, and certainly not with mushrooms
03:21sprouting out their crevices.
03:25All right, go and prepare everything,
03:27then I'll have a bath.
03:29No water.
03:31What are we supposed to do, madame?
03:33Milk! Milk!
03:35Preferably not from a cow.
03:37Go and squeeze something exotic.
03:40Hardly a new experience for you.
03:43Oh, honey.
03:59I must say, I've had a bath.
04:01What's the point?
04:12Oh, Richard. Cock Richard.
04:19Good day, sister.
04:21Sister?
04:23Is this you?
04:31How goes it with you? Well, I hope.
04:34Not so well as with you, I fear.
04:37I am forced to admit I have come to beg for alms.
04:41I'm sorry?
04:42If our childhood together means anything to you,
04:44I trust you will look on my petition with kindness.
04:47But, Cecile...
04:50You have lovely arms.
04:53And you see, I only have these two myself,
04:57and I use them rather a lot.
04:59No, no, no, no. You misapprehend it.
05:01Go to the navy. Go to the navy.
05:03They shop off quite a few, I believe.
05:05I have come to seek financial assistance.
05:08Oh, I see. Hmm.
05:10As you know, my husband Claude
05:12was something of a big noise in second-hand frigates.
05:15Oh, here we go.
05:16Unhappily, the great storm of 1782
05:18has left him with only two large lumps of wood,
05:21which, despite all his efforts, he has found difficult to sell.
05:27As his loving wife, I, of course,
05:29stood by him steadfastly for at least six and a half minutes,
05:33whereupon I came to Versailles
05:35in the hope of seeking honourable employment
05:38somewhere in the field of sadomasochistic prostitution.
05:41Yes, I have heard.
05:43Alas, my first customer expired on his spigot,
05:47so now even that low profession is close to me.
05:51Or I am close to it, which is much the same thing.
05:56So, no major problems, then?
05:58No gross physical abnormalities,
06:0036 toes on a foot,
06:02or a spare nostril going out of your armpit?
06:05I see you have not forgotten the childish rivalries of our youth.
06:10I, too, was a very handsome young woman.
06:14You remember the wart?
06:16Gone. I had it filed down by cobbler.
06:21Oh, will you not help me?
06:23I mean, even out of pity?
06:25What? You think I'm wealthy or something?
06:28Just because one is dripping with precious stones
06:33and lives in one of the most glorious palaces in the world
06:36does not mean one can bail out any starving ex-poisy
06:39who comes staggering in.
06:41I do my bit, you know. Yes, I do my bit.
06:44I distribute two...
06:46Yes, two bags of stale crust to the poor of this country every month
06:50at a very reasonable price.
06:52So I'm afraid that more I cannot do.
06:55And I'm afraid I have only one option left to me.
06:58Oh, I thought you'd done that.
07:00You will never see me again, sister.
07:02No. Soon I shall be a burden to no-one any longer.
07:06Oh. That's the spirit.
07:22Who's there?
07:24How rich am I these days? Am I number one?
07:27Oh, you're definitely number one, mistress.
07:30You are, without question, Le Grand Fromage.
07:33Is no-one catching up on me or anything?
07:36No, the V. Conteste de Brassique is in second place, but a long way behind.
07:40Ah, the V. Conteste de Brassique. Have to keep an eye on her.
07:44Do you know what I was thinking?
07:46I'd quite like to go and see my vast wealth one day.
07:49You know, just give it a little stroke and a little cuddle.
07:52Sounds silly, I know.
07:54Come on, let's get this over and done with.
07:56Right. Get up on the boxes, then.
07:58What? Up here? Yeah, up there.
08:00Right. That's it. There we go.
08:02You might need some tweezers.
08:04There's a little gang of something crawling around in the undergrowth.
08:08Right, come on, then. What are you doing? Get off!
08:11Well, I assumed Madame would be naked.
08:13Are you mad? Do you have any idea of the temperature in this room?
08:17I'm not going to stand here with icicles dangling off my nipples.
08:21Well, you had worse, didn't you?
08:24You'll just have to tunnel your way in.
08:27I trust that milk is suitably exotic for a person of my status?
08:31Only the best for Madame. It's fresh peacock's milk.
08:35Really? I didn't know you could milk peacocks.
08:39No, they look quite surprised, I'm sorry.
08:45Now, before I go in, Madame, I want to make one thing quite clear.
08:51Yes? I am not, repeat not, attracted to women.
08:55I like a nice hairy buttock myself.
08:58And just in case Madame has nice hairy buttocks, I'm still not interested.
09:02Is that clear? Just get on with it!
09:04All right. Here I go, I'm going in.
09:11Oh, my God, it's a jungle.
09:14Lisette, when you move up, I don't want you to touch my face.
09:19One hates to think of one's next lover getting a tongue full of peacock's yoghurt.
09:30Do not be needlessly concerned, Madame. I chance to have the very thing.
09:36Madame, please forgive this heresy intrusion, a matter of some urgency.
09:41Oh, it's like the Black Forest under there.
09:45I'm not sure you have my attention.
09:47Please listen carefully.
09:49I come to you on behalf of a good and noble lady.
09:53I have come to you on behalf of a good and noble lady.
09:57I have come to you on behalf of a good and noble lady.
10:02I come to you on behalf of a good and noble...
10:05Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow!
10:07No, I have a special instrument for that, be careful.
10:10It looks like a barnacle or a wart or something.
10:13I don't have warts. It's a fascinating beauty spot.
10:16Not from where I'm sitting, it isn't.
10:19I come to you on behalf of the Duke Donald.
10:22Donald? Oh!
10:24Oh, it is there.
10:26What do we know about him? The Queen?
10:28The Queen said she walked into the stable from Fowl Hill.
10:31Foul lies, madame.
10:33The blacksmith in question merely swooned unexpectedly onto the Duke,
10:38who, when Marie Antoinette walked in,
10:40was frantically wrestling to get out from under.
10:45No, she said he had a saddle strapped to his back.
10:49Where else could he have strapped it?
10:51Anyway, the point is... Get to the point!
10:54Well, the Duke is greatly concerned
10:57that his equestrian activities
10:59have tarnished his hitherto excellent reputation
11:02as one of the lads.
11:04One of the lads? He's never been one of the lads.
11:07Consequently, he wishes to marry a woman.
11:10He wants to marry?
11:11Naturally, she would have to be rather special.
11:14Well, Madame de Hirsut's got a moustache.
11:17Oh, no, no, no, no.
11:20It would have to be someone willing to amuse herself.
11:23Naturally, they won't be sleeping in the same bed.
11:26If the Duke has anything to do with it,
11:28they won't be sleeping on the same cotton.
11:30Excuse me. What?
11:32Are you assuming that my mistress is going to waste her valuable time
11:35trying to find some suitable floozy?
11:37What's he assuming?
11:38He's assuming that you're going to waste your valuable time
11:41trying to find some floozy.
11:43Will you shut up, you tiresome twats!
11:52The Duke is offering a commission of one quarter of his entire fortune
11:56to anyone who can find him a wife,
11:59and the Vicomtesse de Brassique is already on the hunt.
12:02And if the Vicomtesse finds someone first,
12:05she will then have a fortune three times bigger than Madame's!
12:13Why didn't you say this when you came in?!
12:15You stupid man!
12:19Where did he go?
12:21Brush! Brush!
12:29Brilliant idea.
12:30So, marry your sister to the Duke Dong Dong Dong?
12:33Yes, Cecile. I must have that money.
12:36Well, am I being very thick or something?
12:38I thought you said your sister was already married.
12:41What is it? These are very dangerous times.
12:44I could be clawed to death by a ferocious runaway dancing bear at any moment.
12:49Hmm? Hmm?
12:51Shall I book that?
12:53Yes, please.
12:54Now, where is the poor part of town?
12:56Well, it's just outside.
12:58That's very convenient. Excellent. Let's go.
13:00Madame?
13:02You're not thinking of going to the poor part of town looking like that, are you?
13:06Well, yes. Why?
13:08Because where we must perforce venture out this morn,
13:11as we say in these times,
13:13looking like that, you'll get your legs ripped off, won't you?
13:16Come on.
13:18Cecile!
13:20How does one look now?
13:22Well, yes, we're getting there. It's much better.
13:25May I make a couple of suggestions?
13:28Well, first of all, lose the wig.
13:31No.
13:33Right, well, lose the cane.
13:35No.
13:36Well, at least lose the muff.
13:38Oh, there are limits, really.
13:41Well, then, in that case, you're completely ready, aren't you?
13:43Excellent. Let's go. Come on.
13:45Shut your mouth, you filthy slag!
13:53What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
13:55Well, I'm acclimatising you, aren't I?
13:57For the poor people.
13:59Don't you ever do that again. Don't ever do it again.
14:02Sorry, mistress.
14:04D'oh! D'oh!
14:07Extraordinary behaviour.
14:11What?
14:13Don't speak to me like that again.
14:15Oh, mistress, may I introduce you to Joseph and Jacques Courvoisier?
14:19Montgolfier. Montgolfier.
14:21Who? The balloon people?
14:23Well, no, I've told you, I don't travel in wicker.
14:26Perhaps the contest would feel more confident
14:28if she knew that we have now sent up a sheep, two ducks and a rooster.
14:32Ooh, that sounds quite exciting and very, very safe.
14:36Really?
14:38No.
14:40Put her on standby.
14:44It's really quite hideous.
14:46Everyone's so ugly and badly dressed.
14:49The ground is like a Middle Ages.
14:57Oh, it gets worse.
14:59I mean, look at those dead peasants just sitting around.
15:03But it's winter, mistress, and these are very poor people.
15:07I find that their food is better preserved if it's left outside.
15:11I mean, this body, for instance, this will feed a family of four.
15:15Oh, yes.
15:18What?
15:21Ooh, ooh, look.
15:23Oh, but look at her. What's she up to?
15:25Well, she's forced to sell her body, isn't she?
15:28Oh, to a restaurant.
15:31I see the dam is learning the ways of the starving very quickly.
15:35Let's get out of here. Let's find Cecile.
15:38Ask one of these waggety bony people.
15:40Well, it would help if we had a likeness, mistress.
15:43Well, I am the likeness. We're practically twins.
15:46Oh, I see. So we're looking for a very plain woman
15:49with a hairy, crusty wart on her privates.
15:51Right-o.
15:55Lizzie? Lizzie?
15:58I thought...
16:00A pretty face.
16:02You've got a pretty face, haven't you?
16:04I'm looking for my sister, you see.
16:06Oh, ah. Excuse me.
16:09No, no, shut up, shut up!
16:11I'm looking for my sister. I want...
16:14Well, how rude, really.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:27LAUGHTER
16:49What's wrong with Frenchmen these days, hmm?
16:52It's things like this, monsieur,
16:54that force womenfolk in this country to invent crochet.
17:01Mistress, mistress, we're in luck.
17:03Come, come, come.
17:05That posse's been eyeing my muff.
17:07LAUGHTER
17:12Who's that?
17:17There.
17:19Most of my sister's still living in that poor part of town.
17:22It's horrible.
17:24I mean, that's quite nice, but the wetsuit's horrible.
17:28Still, I expect it'll make her more easily persuaded
17:31to our pecuniary proposition.
17:34Oh, dear.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:39Who or what is that?
17:42Oh, that's the Royal Force's hoof.
17:44Yeah, we used to have that when I was young.
17:47Not a lot of meat on it, I grant you.
17:51Does it taste well, or...?
17:53No, not at all, no.
17:55It's halfway between a doorknob and a pot of glue, really.
17:58But look.
18:00I mean, why do people do this?
18:02Grey with brown.
18:05It's awful. I mean, no-one's doing that any more.
18:07It's so Louis Cannes.
18:11What's this?
18:13It's a table.
18:15I know what it is, but what's it made of?
18:18Wood.
18:20What? It's not wood.
18:22I've seen wood. Wood's shiny, isn't it?
18:24With little girl decorative borders.
18:27What is that?
18:29Oh!
18:31Do you know what that is?
18:33That's tree!
18:35Oh, tree!
18:37I mean, my God, it's the style capital of Europe
18:40and people are eating off tree.
18:42No wonder the British got me bothered to invade any more.
18:48Oh!
18:50Ah, Cecile, praise the Lord that she's found.
18:54Praise Him, praise Him.
18:56Cecile, come embrace your sister.
18:59Come one step closer, Calumbine,
19:02and I shall whittle your vacuous head to a point.
19:05It's not very cordial, is it?
19:07I mean, we've tramped here through dead bodies and...
19:10And rotting vegetables. Yes, rotting vegetables.
19:12And urine. And urine.
19:14And human effluent. Did we?
19:16And your shoes, that's where it's at.
19:18Where is this woman? Oh, you stab her.
19:20Stab her. She's no-one. She's just my maid.
19:22May I take this opportunity to say how delighted I am...
19:25There will come a time, bitch, when traitors to France such as you
19:28will be tied to cartwheels
19:30and their limbs repeatedly smashed with long, heavy pearls.
19:34Long, heavy what? Pearls.
19:36I think she's saying poles.
19:38Listen, sweetheart,
19:40you are talking yourself out of a nice little earner here,
19:43so don't balls it up.
19:46Is my sister quite well?
19:48She seems to have changed somewhat.
19:51Perhaps.
19:52I received word this morning that my adored Claude is dead.
19:56Dead?
19:58No, no, that's not till tomorrow, is it?
20:00He said the disaster which befell his business
20:03caused his weary heart to burst,
20:05and now all that is left to me is my inheritance.
20:09Cop a load of that.
20:11It's sad, very sad.
20:13Is it, is it? What?
20:14Run to Boulogne and cancel the dancing bear.
20:17Run?
20:18Mistress, if I run to Boulogne,
20:20I won't get there till 1926 at the earliest.
20:23Is it any wonder I have espoused the cause of the revolution
20:27when you, who spend your days in idle debauchery,
20:31spit in the face of the starving, disease-ridden, crippled,
20:36poor, honest, friendly French people?
20:39Well, she's got a point there.
20:41The day is coming, sister,
20:43when you and your pant-quaffing friends at court
20:46will have to stand trial for your crimes.
20:50And...
20:51Would this be all?
20:52Oh, thank you.
20:53Very good.
20:54And when you do, the sentence passed upon you
20:56by the Revolutionary Court will be this.
20:59Oh!
21:02God, that is one hell of a loaf.
21:06Sister, Cecile,
21:09I must assure you that I've never punched quaff.
21:12I wouldn't know how to punch quaff,
21:14even if I had a quaff to punch.
21:16And as for debauchery, that's been a very dry season
21:19in that neck of the woods for her, hasn't it?
21:21It is a dreadful thing, Columbine,
21:23when families are split asunder by politics.
21:26True.
21:27Therefore, I can no longer consider you my sister.
21:30I am now steadfastly on the side
21:32of the poor, downtrodden, adult masses of our nation.
21:38So you don't want to earn
21:40£1,750,000 leave by this time tomorrow?
21:46Ten, nine, seven,
21:49eight, six, five,
21:52four, three, two...
21:56Oh, well, what have the poor ever done for me?
21:59Let's be honest, they die on your doorstep.
22:01They quaff everywhere.
22:03Sister!
22:04Sister!
22:06Your carriage is not here.
22:08Oh, no, I thought it best to park it uptown
22:11because they can have the wheels off in a flash around here.
22:15Grandma, but please, we shall find food soon, I promise.
22:21Lunch, everybody, lunch!
22:27Lisette!
22:30Lisette!
22:33What's the matter?
22:35It's the door.
22:37The door!
22:43What's wrong?
22:44Well, you see, we need someone to turn that handle
22:49and open the door.
22:51Perhaps if I do it?
22:53What?
22:54I could do that.
22:58Oh.
23:00I suppose you'll have to, I'm sort of stuck, aren't we, Cecile?
23:04Yes, do you mind?
23:06Oh!
23:07Clever!
23:11Did I wish you'd go away? I'm not going up in your basket.
23:15You're so kind.
23:17Now, make yourself at home, Cecile.
23:19Bouffant, bring wine!
23:22Oh, good, good.
23:23Ah, Bouffant, bring wine and some of those little puffy,
23:26delicate little things, what are they called?
23:28Dainties.
23:29Yes, but not small ones, I want big ones, big dainties, all right?
23:32My sister could ease a horse.
23:34In fact, she has eaten bits of one.
23:36I am, in fact, Madame's couturier.
23:39I don't do dainties.
23:41I know, but Lisette's dead or something.
23:43I mean, there was no point in going back,
23:45they'll have her on a spit by now.
23:47The fact remains that my duties do not include...
23:50Your duties do not include what I saw you doing
23:5345 minutes ago, monsieur.
23:56One plate of enormous dainties coming up.
24:01Aye, Cecile, down to business.
24:06All you have to do is agree to do one little thing
24:09and you will have a life of sumptuous wealth
24:12and idle luxury for the rest of your days.
24:14I agree.
24:15No, wait, you also have to agree not to do one particular thing.
24:19And then I get the money. Yes.
24:21I agree.
24:22Why don't you agree? You're too quick.
24:24You don't know what you're agreeing to.
24:26I mean, I might say,
24:27don't evacuate your bowels for ten years
24:29or only sit on a large, sharp spike.
24:32I agree.
24:33Oh, no, please, wait! Wait!
24:37Have we told her?
24:40My sister had to open that door by hand!
24:46Apologies, mistress. Apologies, sister-mistress.
24:50Oh, no, no, I can't.
24:52Just go alone, otherwise you get into terrible trouble.
24:55Oh, come on!
24:59Oh, God, I've left her.
25:01I mean, we've had our fun and, admittedly,
25:03you were better the fifth time round,
25:05but you've got to be a good boy and just go...
25:08HE CLEARS THROAT
25:10Aw, he's ever so poor, isn't he? Aw.
25:13I just thought it was my duty to, er, give him sucker.
25:18HE WHISPERS
25:21Crochet.
25:25As I was saying... I agree.
25:28No, don't, don't, don't.
25:30Look, all you have to do is agree to marry the Duke Dunong...
25:34No, Donggong. I know what he's called.
25:36No, it's Dung Neng Gong. I was telling her.
25:38Donggong. Donkey Kong!
25:40No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's out of the question.
25:43No. What? What?
25:44No, I can't do it. It's unthinkable and beyond the realms.
25:47I know what that means, you stupid tart.
25:49No, I can't marry again for money.
25:51I mean, I did that with Claude.
25:53And what was I left with after he pegged out?
25:55Two bits of old boat. No.
25:57Yeah, but it wouldn't be like that with this one, would it?
25:59No. He's not interested in boats, is he?
26:01Well, obviously, he's got a few friends in the Navy, but...
26:05Are you honestly telling me you would rather remain in horrible poverty,
26:09sort of eating old bits of doorknob,
26:13than have sumptuous wealth, which, I tell you,
26:16gives you a licence to debauch anyone under the rank of king.
26:20Think of the lovers you could buy.
26:22No, I can't marry again. I will not marry.
26:25Why?
26:26Because for the first time in my life, I have found true love.
26:29Oh, true love. Bugger.
26:32Quick, get the dancing bear.
26:34What?
26:35If bits of her new boyfriend aren't hanging out of her shaggy jaw by suppertime,
26:38there'll be trouble.
26:40He told me you were there.
26:42I come as quick as I could.
26:44Oh, Fifi.
26:46Oh, Fifi.
26:48Oh, Fifi.
26:52You see, this is why I can't marry the Duke, doink, doink.
26:55Because I love Fifi and her divine little foofoo.
26:58Oh, Fifi.
26:59Also, see, this is no problem.
27:01In fact, with the Duke, this is a positive advantage.
27:04Absolutely perfect.
27:05Yes, you don't have to sleep with him.
27:07Oh, well, in that case, I agree.
27:09No!
27:13Oh.
27:15Well, a very happy occasion all round, I think.
27:21Yes, indeedy.
27:24Might I ask how you, um...
27:27Oh, that.
27:28Well, after I told her the king and queen had gone out.
27:31Couldn't stop her.
27:40You all look like little ants.
28:00Oh, dear.
28:01Milk some more of those peacocks.
28:04I want a bath.
28:06There's a...
28:09Oh!
28:15Oh, she's gone.
28:38Oh, dear.