The Cup - 101 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00I mean, this is the ultimate goal, isn't it, you know?
00:05My lad Malky, out there on the hallowed turf.
00:10Smell that. Stop writing, smell that.
00:14Smell it. You can almost smell that loft house, yeah?
00:18Though he never actually played it, he played at the old ground,
00:20Burden Park, but still, it's...
00:22Look at it, look at the pitch.
00:24Lush and...
00:27Oi! Get off the pitch!
00:30All right.
00:31He's only messing about.
00:33Personal friend.
00:35He's coming over. Keep walking. Keep walking.
00:38Can you run backwards for me?
00:54This is the story of Ashburn United Football Club
00:57and their quest to qualify for the Northern Midlands Under-11s Cup in Birmingham.
01:01Due to scenes of appalling petty adult behaviour,
01:04this show may not be suitable for children.
01:06Don't push me!
01:07Wait, stop!
01:08I'm just answering a question.
01:09You're sick, and you know you are.
01:12Can you move a bit?
01:14Oh, never mind.
01:17BELL RINGS
01:24Yeah, erm...
01:26So, it's 6.59, Saturday morning.
01:30You know, your normal punter's still fast asleep in bed,
01:33you know, dreaming his life away.
01:35But not me. No, if you're a football dad,
01:39this, this is the cold face.
01:41PHONE RINGS
01:44Oh.
01:46Come on, Janice. It's seven o'clock.
01:49Come on. Janice, rise and shine.
01:55Terry!
01:57Oh, don't let them film in the morning.
02:02It'll be cancelled.
02:04Oh, did they cancel D-Day landings because of the weather?
02:07Yes. Exactly. Did they?
02:10Right, well, they're not cancelling training. Come on, get up.
02:13Do you fancy some Tabasco in your eggs? Spice it up.
02:22Look, I don't care. Just make it quick.
02:24You lads have got a training session to go to.
02:26It'll be rained off.
02:27This is the second last training session before the league is out.
02:30It's not going to be cancelled.
02:31I'm going to be playing Snow White at the school play.
02:38Well, I'm not going to lie to you.
02:40I was never a football person,
02:42so cleaning Manky football kit twice a week is not my idea of a good time.
02:48But I do it for Manky.
02:53And the rest of the team, cos Terry volunteered me.
02:57Janice!
03:00Whoa, whoa, whoa!
03:01Is that good training?
03:03Yeah, right.
03:05See, that is why my boy Malky will one day be playing at the Reebok,
03:09and Jack Rossie there will be outside, flipping the burgers.
03:12Miserable, isn't it? I've not been up this early for ages.
03:15Thanks for looking after him. I don't know what I'd do without you.
03:18Come on, you. What do you think you're playing at, texting me this early?
03:21It's a bit of rain. Are you a man or a mouse?
03:23I've got to cancel my nails and everything now.
03:25No, the divorce hasn't been easy.
03:28I know.
03:29I've got to cancel my nails and everything now.
03:32No, the divorce hasn't been easy on Jack.
03:35But thank God for Janice and Terry.
03:38By looking after Jack from time to time, I get a gut at gym.
03:44I've lost nine and a half pounds.
03:47You see?
03:49Good, that, innit?
03:52That's it, Malky, son. Keep going. All the way.
03:55I'm too wet!
03:56What happens if it rains in Birmingham, eh?
03:58We're not going to Birmingham yet.
04:00We only go if we win the league.
04:02No, no, no.
04:03If is not a word in the McConnell dictionary. You remember that.
04:06I can't believe nobody else has turned up.
04:08This just goes to show,
04:10Malky McConnell is the only one with a bit of fire in his guts.
04:13I want to go home.
04:16He knows.
04:17You're here messing about.
04:21Oh, God.
04:23Here he comes.
04:29All right, Malky?
04:31Bit wet for cricket, innit, Kaskar?
04:33Oh, so Asians can't play football, is that it?
04:36Well, you said it, mate, not me.
04:38Then how come Ranjeet is joint leading scorer?
04:41He's not. That one last week was an old goal.
04:44The ref gave it. That's all I know.
04:46Yeah, well, he was unsighted.
04:48Maybe you were unsighted, Terry.
04:50Hey, hey, hey. 50-50 vision, me, mate. 50-50 vision.
04:54Is that right?
04:56I grew up in Mumbai
04:58and moved aged 19 to the UK for my medical studies.
05:04I do one from Bristol.
05:06And then I had some happy years
05:09living in Little Barrington in the Cotswolds.
05:12And if I'm honest,
05:14initially I wasn't sure about the move to Bolton,
05:17but I came round.
05:19Who needs rolling hills
05:22and fresh air when you have all this?
05:30But the move was essential.
05:32There are more vaginas in Bolton.
05:36All right, you move, you move, you move. That's a retake.
05:39My relationship with Terry is very interesting.
05:42You see, I am a professional.
05:45Come on! You see that, Ranjeet?
05:49You see that, Ranjeet?
05:51I am educated.
05:52Come on, Terry! Give me more!
05:55Some would say I am urbane.
05:59Terry is more...
06:06..not.
06:08Well, I'm like the chairman, I suppose.
06:12The Abramovich of Ashburn United.
06:15No, I took a long lease out on the pitch
06:18and I organised the games.
06:20What? Sandra, why's it cancelled?
06:23Waterlogged? No, no, it's fine.
06:25It's a bit damp, I suppose, but it's hardly that bad.
06:29And, of course, Vincent was delighted
06:32with the nickname of the club.
06:34The Ashes.
06:36Yeah, he sees it as a bit of a PR opportunity.
06:40And, of course, I really got involved for our rally.
06:49She's football mad.
06:55Oh, f*** you, Mulder!
06:57She's a little bit of a tomboy, to be honest.
07:00Last summer was unfortunate, business-wise.
07:03It was relatively cool.
07:05And, of course, we were allowed the heat to...
07:09..well, to siphon off a few of the senior citizens.
07:15But I don't mind spending some of my money on the team,
07:18just not all of it.
07:20The reason we're doing so well this season...
07:23..well, I suppose it's largely due to my leadership
07:28and business acumen, but also on credit where it's due.
07:32I must mention Tom Blackley, our coach.
07:36He is an inspiration.
07:41A remarkable man.
07:43Remarkable man?
07:45Wouldn't you say?
07:47Yeah.
07:49It's no brain surgery, is it?
07:58Football is about discipline, character.
08:02Right and wrong.
08:04I mean, they'll become men if you treat them like men.
08:09And here they'll respect you if you respect them.
08:12You're a bloody disgrace, all of you!
08:15The way you lot are trying to win the White Mass!
08:18Well, the exciting thing is, if we win the league,
08:21we qualify for...
08:23You've lost me a gizzard of tea.
08:25Vincent, later.
08:27As I was saying, if we win the league,
08:30we qualify for Northern Midlands Under-11s Cup in Birmingham.
08:34And as I sponsor the team...
08:36We? We, er...
08:38Farrell's funeral directors sponsor.
08:41We'll be paying for the whole shebang.
08:45You know, that is the responsibility of the owners.
08:48The loneliness of high command.
08:52Dolly?
08:53Yes, Vincent?
08:55Please.
08:57It's not just football I like.
09:00I like to read and I like geography.
09:02And what I really like to do is cook.
09:05Mostly Mediterranean.
09:08Dad.
09:12Ooh!
09:16All right, love?
09:17Oh, hello.
09:18Mmm.
09:19Oh.
09:20Hey.
09:21Gone well-trained.
09:23What's for tea, love?
09:27Tomato...
09:29pie?
09:30Ooh.
09:34Yeah, Terry and me, we go back a long way.
09:36I played in the same team as Terry when I first moved up here.
09:40He was the captain, would you believe?
09:4217 I was, and I went on to play professional, of course.
09:47And now, funny thing is, I've got Terry working for me down in parts.
09:51I was like a general in the First World War,
09:54just watching over all the different areas.
09:56Right over there, you've got the Somme over there.
09:59Over there, you've got Goose Green,
10:01which is mainly where they do tyres and stuff like that.
10:04And over there, we've got wipers.
10:06Without me, this would all grind to a halt.
10:08Just stop.
10:09Although I say working, I don't know when he does it.
10:12He's always in here badgering me to get his lad a trial for Bolton.
10:16KNOCK AT DOOR
10:19Erm, can I borrow your...stapler?
10:23What do you need a stapler for, Terry?
10:25What do you call it? Stapling?
10:28Have you phoned Inchcliffe yet?
10:30Jeff Inchcliffe? Er, he's a Bolton scout.
10:33Juniors, mainly.
10:34Think of him like St Peter
10:36guarding the gates of the promised land of the Reebok here.
10:39Terry, I've got more important things to do right now.
10:42Right. It's just that I'm sure Janice would be really grateful.
10:46I said I'd call him, and I will call him, OK?
10:49So you've got to try and get his attention,
10:51but you've got to be very careful.
10:53I mean, one dad got arrested for hanging about outside his house.
10:57Inchcliffe thought he was stalking his wife.
10:59Would I do that?
11:02It's hard to say.
11:03I mean, I don't know what his wife looks like, so...
11:06I'm joking.
11:07No, no, probably not.
11:09Probably not.
11:11No.
11:14No.
11:15You know, the only reason that I haven't zacked him
11:19is because I used to go out with Janice.
11:22But it was a long time ago.
11:25A long time.
11:27KNOCK AT DOOR
11:32KNOCK AT DOOR
11:37Hi, Steve. This is a surprise.
11:40I'll get Terry.
11:41No, I can tell you.
11:44Yes, of course.
11:46What is it?
11:47Maybe we could just go for a drive, I could tell you.
11:51OK.
11:54Is it a long thing you have to tell me?
11:56Who's that?
11:57It's Steve.
11:59Dad!
12:00You're a big girl, wipe it yourself.
12:03So, did you phone him?
12:04Yeah, yeah, I phoned him.
12:06Just came to say I got Malky a trial for the under-12s, Sunday morning.
12:11Oh, that's brilliant, Steve.
12:12I owe you one, I owe you one, mate.
12:14Malky will never forget this.
12:15You know he thinks of you like he's Uncle Steve, you know that, don't you?
12:18Malky!
12:22Malky, Malky.
12:23We got it.
12:24Got what?
12:25Only the greatest thing ever to happen to this family ever.
12:28I've got your trial on Sunday, for Bolton.
12:30But Ash's training's on Sunday.
12:32Look, I'll sort her, I'll handle it.
12:34Don't let him get into trouble with Blackley.
12:36You know how keen Malky is to have his weekend in Birmingham.
12:39Forget Birmingham, pet, this lad's going to Wembley.
12:42Come on.
12:43Oh, no, we're going to Wembley.
12:47No, if we don't qualify for the Cup,
12:50I'm going to take all the money I've saved up for Birmingham
12:53and have a weekend on my own in Paris.
12:55Forget Paris.
12:57Paris?
12:58Get yourself a gym membership.
13:00I know I'm feeling a lot better about myself since I lost all my extra weight.
13:05I should go to the gym.
13:06How?
13:07I've got three kids.
13:09Two of me own and one of hers.
13:11Oh, no, that's not fair.
13:13She's had an hard...
13:15No, she hasn't had an hard life.
13:17She hasn't.
13:18She got divorced, all right.
13:20But she got the house and I got custody of her son.
13:24What's this, love?
13:25From the tall guy at the bar.
13:29Can't you buy me a drink?
13:31Oh, my God.
13:40It's for you.
13:43Why would you buy me a drink?
13:45I don't know.
13:46Maybe it's something to do with losing all that extra weight.
13:52See you later.
13:54So, you know, whenever I want a little trip down Terry McConnell way,
13:57I have a little route through here.
13:59There's some belters in here.
14:01I'll show you.
14:02Oh, look at that.
14:03That's me there with a mullet.
14:05Eh?
14:06Yeah, we all had them back in those days.
14:08That's about a week after the accident, that.
14:12Steve.
14:13He tackled me in training.
14:15It was a 50-50...
14:17Well, more like 80-20, to be honest.
14:20But, yeah.
14:21Bust me knee.
14:22Good and proper and...
14:25Never played after that.
14:27Out on me arse, really.
14:37Erm, really appreciate you getting Malky a trial, Steve.
14:43I had one to celebrate.
14:47What now?
14:48What now?
14:49Erm, small problem.
14:51The Ashes training session, it's the same day as the trial.
14:54Almost exactly the same time.
14:56Well, Malky will just have to miss training.
14:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking.
15:01But this is the last training session before the league decider
15:05and you know what Blackley's like,
15:07so I was wondering if we could move it.
15:10Oh, so you want me to phone one of Bolton's chief scouts
15:13and get him to move the trial, yeah?
15:15If you could, that'd be champion, yeah.
15:18PHONE RINGS
15:20Hi, Geoff. Steve Robson.
15:22Er, listen.
15:24Terry wants you to move the trial for his kid.
15:29I see.
15:30You think Terry should...
15:32Shut up! Go back to work!
15:35Oh, right.
15:36Well, thanks for nothing, Steve.
15:38WHISTLE BLOWS
15:40Hey!
15:41Come on, let's get him on, will you?
15:43Higher!
15:44WHISTLE BLOWS
15:46Higher!
15:47WHISTLE BLOWS
15:48Longer!
15:50Quicker!
15:53There!
15:57Right, come on, up! Up!
16:01Have you been?
16:02Look how Blackley feels about missing training.
16:04Cut me off. It's a family emergency.
16:06This is me mate, four bellies.
16:08On the way to five.
16:10His lad Gordie's in the team as well.
16:12Go on, go on!
16:15WHISTLE BLOWS
16:17Gordie's like an anchor man, you know, in that he can't move.
16:22Faster.
16:23Go on.
16:24WHISTLE BLOWS
16:25That'll do, that'll do. Go on.
16:27Bugger off.
16:28Hey, McConnell!
16:34What's up, Malky?
16:35I've been dropped. I'm on the bench.
16:37What?
16:38Oi!
16:39You can't put Malky on the bench for the league decider.
16:42He missed training.
16:43You know the rules.
16:45You don't train, you don't stand.
16:48No, no, no, no, he didn't miss training.
16:50He was just late.
16:52It's a family emergency.
16:53Well, aye.
16:54What family's that then, eh?
16:56The Henschleff family.
16:58Right, I wouldn't say it's to Terry's face,
17:02but he has seriously fucked up this time.
17:05You don't miss training.
17:08You're not going to show this to Terry, though, are you?
17:11Look, please, Tom.
17:12This isn't Malky's fault.
17:14He didn't get the trial anyway.
17:15Henschleff was off sick, it was cancelled.
17:17Please, Tom.
17:18Sorry.
17:19Look, please.
17:20Look, I can get you whatever you want, yeah?
17:22Oil filter, brake pad, triple-blade wipers,
17:24you name it, you've got it.
17:26Get a life.
17:27To be honest, having a grown man begging like that
17:30was a wee bit uncomfortable.
17:33But you can't give in to people like Terry.
17:38Although I could have done with a brake pad.
17:40HORN HONKS
17:45I'm giving it some thought.
17:59Are you looking at me?
18:01Who's looking at me?
18:03I don't see anybody else here.
18:06Should I give you a couple of minutes?
18:08No, no.
18:13Thanks for agreeing to see me.
18:21Janice and I were chatting the other day
18:24and we were saying it would be nice to get to know you and...
18:29S...
18:30S...
18:31S...
18:32Mrs Cassidy.
18:34Mrs Cascar, you know, a little bit better,
18:36seeing as you're new to the neighbourhood.
18:39Perhaps we should have had this conversation four years ago.
18:43Is it... Is it really four years?
18:46Time just flies, doesn't it?
18:50Look...
18:52Can you have a word with Blackley?
18:55You know, I mean, Malky and Rangy, you know, they need each other.
18:59Well, I'm not so sure, Terry.
19:01Personally, I think a one-man attack could work.
19:05So if there's nothing else...
19:07No, there's nothing else.
19:08Thank you very much for your time.
19:10You're obviously a very busy man. I'll leave you to your gawping.
19:23A little present for Vincent.
19:27Sandra, I was wondering,
19:29I was wondering, erm, it's about Malky.
19:31I suppose you could have a word with Blackley.
19:33What he's doing, it's suicidal.
19:35Terry, I pride myself in not interfering with football matters.
19:39I'm Chief Executive Officer.
19:41Don't be so old-fashioned.
19:43I mean, look at Abramovich and Romanoff.
19:45They're always poking their noses in, aren't they?
19:47Terry, I think we should stick with coach on this one.
19:49It's Blackley's call.
19:51All right.
19:52Oh, Terry.
19:53Yeah?
19:54How's everyone in your family? You'd have recovering from his operation?
19:57Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's champion, thanks.
19:59Really?
20:00Yeah.
20:01That's great news.
20:05Great.
20:07Look, Dad, it's fine.
20:08No, Malky, it's not fine.
20:09I'll play in the next game.
20:10You should be playing in this game.
20:14We actually chickened Miss Turner's class today.
20:28Oh, God, Terry.
20:30I can't believe you're still sulking.
20:32I'm not sulking, Janice.
20:34I'm in mourning.
20:36Everything we've ever worked for, every dream we've ever had,
20:39it's just been taken away from us.
20:41This has nothing to do with us.
20:43This is Malky's life, not ours.
20:45This is Malky's life, not ours.
21:16Now, come on, Ashes.
21:19Your whole season,
21:21your whole lives
21:23come down to today.
21:26And a draw is no bloody good to us.
21:28We have to win to be champions.
21:31So I want you to go out there
21:33and die for each other.
21:35Because if you lose today,
21:38you will spend the rest of your lives
21:41in shame.
21:46OK, listen, listen.
21:50Just...
21:54Just bloody win, OK?
21:56Go on!
21:58Orange barnet, Tom.
22:00Churchillian.
22:08WHISTLE BLOWS
22:10Come on, boys!
22:12Come on!
22:15I think Gordie's injured.
22:17Probably best off taking him off.
22:19It's not worth taking the risk, you know.
22:21He's so young and all.
22:23Shut up, McConnell.
22:27CHEERING
22:29I tell you, eh? Put McConnell on.
22:35Give him some instructions, for God's sake, man.
22:39You're going to get gugged here, you stubborn old bugger!
22:46WHISTLE BLOWS
22:48It's the last 20 minutes.
22:50You can still do the right thing. Just bring McConnell on.
22:52Yeah.
22:54Some wives might be embarrassed by Terry's behaviour.
22:57But he only does it cos he cares so much.
23:00CHEERING
23:02Come on!
23:04Come on!
23:07McConnell.
23:09McConnell.
23:11He's actually quite a sensitive bloke.
23:13McConnell.
23:15I mean, don't play him Angels, or that one from the Titanic.
23:19Oh, shit!
23:21And you know you are!
23:23McConnell, McConnell, McConnell.
23:25Yeah, Janice just doesn't get it, you know.
23:28I mean, football's not about me, you know, yelling at Tom Blackley
23:32or the fat kid who can't see the given goal.
23:36McConnell, McConnell, McConnell.
23:38It's about passion, you know.
23:41I caught him one afternoon watching Bambi.
23:44I'd never say this to her face, but...
23:47..hoovering is easy.
23:51I tried to blame it on Hannah, but she was in this handpick.
23:54Football. Football's hard.
23:57Grainy one.
24:00WHISTLE BLOWS
24:03Right, right, stop!
24:05You got me out there. You keep away from me, right?
24:07You've no business in my dugout.
24:09You just stay away from me, you...
24:14Shit.
24:16Oh.
24:19What?
24:21Er...
24:23Don't look at me. The one minute he's asking me about tactics,
24:26next minute, boom, he's down.
24:28Looks to me like the result of a bad diet, you know.
24:30It looks more to me like this poor man has been put under
24:33unbearable pressure, right, Tom?
24:35Please, please, Tom, you mustn't try and speak.
24:38I think I'd better go with him, just in case.
24:40In case of what, Vincent?
24:45We're going to have to abandon match.
24:47No, no, no, we're not going to have to abandon the match.
24:49I'll take over. Tom wouldn't mind.
24:51God love him. Best of luck, he said.
24:54Yeah, yeah.
24:56No, I'll play the formation.
24:58Don't cry, Malky. Come on.
25:00I should be the one who takes over.
25:02Oh, really? Yeah, I'm the one who's actually played the game.
25:05For Bolton Reserves, as it happens. What have you ever done?
25:07I am the fitness coach. Oh, brilliant job you're doing.
25:10Maybe you should have run the rule over Blackley.
25:12That's not my area. As far as I know, Blackley doesn't have a vagina.
25:15Now, excuse me, I'm taking over. Dr Kaskar.
25:18This is your decision, Sandra, eh?
25:20A pervert or a pro?
25:22For a moment there, I knew how Pontius Pilate must have felt.
25:26It's decisions, decisions, decisions.
25:31That's 165.
25:33165 in a Marlborough. He wanted it in a Regency.
25:39Terry, you're in. Yes.
25:43Don't get too comfortable in your new position, McConnell.
25:46This isn't over yet. You get away from my dugout.
25:50You've got no responsibility over here.
25:52Malky, come on. You're going home.
25:56Oi! Get the ball!
25:59Ref, you've got to stop.
26:02Jack, get off.
26:05Now, come on, Ashes. You know what to do.
26:08This is what you've worked your whole lives for.
26:10Do what you've been doing all season.
26:12Just get the ball to McConnell!
26:21Yeah!
26:29Bring it on, Ashes!
26:31Right, we still need one more.
26:39CHEERING
26:42Yeah, he's doing it!
26:44And McConnell's going, ref, ref, ref!
26:48Ref!
26:50There was clearly a brown leg up there.
26:53Ref, ref, ref!
26:55Terry.
26:57Go!
27:03It was the last goal.
27:05No, I can't say I'm proud of Terry's behaviour.
27:09But at least no-one got hurt.
27:12Apart from Tom Blackley.
27:15And that linesman.
27:17But that's not going to happen again.
27:19Not now there's a restraining order out on Terry.
27:22Three cheers for Tom. Hip, hip...
27:24Hooray! Hip, hip...
27:26Hooray! Hip, hip...
27:28Hooray! Speech! Speech!
27:30No, poor Billy's coach Blackley is too weak and medicated to talk at the moment,
27:35but he is aware of his surroundings and the reason for his condition
27:39and should be strong enough and eager enough to write it down.
27:43I would like to thank you, Tom, and all of you, actually,
27:47for your help with Ashburn United becoming league champions!
27:51Bring on North and Midlands, but we're off to Birmingham!
27:58Terry McConnell, he might not be the sharpest knife in the picnic box
28:02and he may be quick to fly off the dandle now and again,
28:05but there's two things he does know, right?
28:07One, London is full of soft southern twats.
28:11No offence.
28:13And two, yeah, football. I know football.
28:17And I know that my team is going to win the North and Midlands Under-11s Cup
28:21and the player of that tournament is going to be Malcolm McConnell.
28:24Excuse me, have you got permission to film here?
28:27Er, yeah, we have, haven't we?
28:29Well, we have, haven't we? No.
28:31You guys are professional.
28:33No, we've got a paper... Can you run backwards?
28:36Run backwards.
28:41MUSIC PLAYS
29:04What football means to me?
29:07I don't really know what football means to me.
29:11Everything. Everything.