Peter owns an Irish castle which has been turned into a bed and breakfast. He spreads a rumour saying the castle is haunted in an attempt to gain more customers.
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00:00:00You
00:00:30Mr. Brogan, I assume you called in regard to the mortgage payment on Castle Plunkett
00:00:58unfortunately still delayed by what seems to be our endless coastal strife.
00:01:03Dear sir, I must once again remind you my first name is not Dick, nor is my last
00:01:10name fake. It is simply Peter. Peter Plunkett. No, I was not given a middle name but had
00:01:18I been I feel certain my mother would not have chosen low-life shit-for-brains
00:01:23peckerhead. Well you obviously know a side of mother I have been happily
00:01:29sheltered from. Nevertheless I marvel at your colorfully creative ever so
00:01:33American colloquialisms which flow so trippingly from your razor-like tongue.
00:01:38The hotel is in tip-top condition. The renovations are proceeding at a... what?
00:01:44Why shouldn't I bother? Peter, who are you calling? Oh mother, will you please get off
00:01:50the line? Turning the castle into a theme park. Irish world. Gee, what an
00:02:00interesting notion. In Malibu. What is Malibu? I see you want to move the
00:02:09castle to Malibu which I am to presume lies on the western corner of those
00:02:13United States. Mr. Brogan, if I cannot send your payment how on earth do you
00:02:18expect to transport an entire castle across the sea? The number of stamps
00:02:21alone is mind-boggling. But I can assure you, Mr. Brogan, that if it goes on much
00:02:26longer I will take this check which I am holding in my hand and personally ferry
00:02:31it across the water to England and mail it to you myself. That's how much I care.
00:02:35What postal strike? Shut up, mother!
00:02:40I don't think that kind of language is necessary, Mr. Brogan.
00:02:46I understand the book of books.
00:02:52So, what you're saying is that if I don't come up with the money in three weeks
00:03:00you will foreclose and take over Castle Plunkett. I see.
00:03:09Have you heard of the quality of mercy, Mr. Brogan? No? You haven't read your
00:03:18Shakespeare, Mr. Brogan. Goodbye.
00:03:31Oh! There you are! Taking the easy way out, you naughty boy!
00:03:37Mother, this is not easy. It is very, very difficult.
00:03:41Just because you haven't got a guest in the place you're in hot lap, fellow Brogan.
00:03:45Your father's so worried he's tearing his hair off.
00:03:49Mother, father has been dead for a decade.
00:03:51And what about your grandmother? How do you think she feels?
00:03:55Mother, grandmother is dead too.
00:03:57She's still upset.
00:03:59Very well, I apologize profoundly to the ghosts of my ancestors for making a mess of their ancestral home.
00:04:07Oh, well. I'm not going to help you.
00:04:12Mother? Hmm?
00:04:15How many ghosts are there here?
00:04:19Well, there's great-auntie Nan and Uncle Toby and that nice Elizabethan lady.
00:04:29And the nun who was walled into the closet.
00:04:33And Oliver's bastard who never came out of the library.
00:04:37Mother. What, darling?
00:04:39What a wonderful idea.
00:04:41What, darling?
00:04:43Ghosts.
00:04:45Ghosts?
00:04:47Ghosts.
00:04:49A wonderful tourist attraction.
00:04:57Katie! Katie!
00:05:00Take me head, sister!
00:05:04Castle Blunkett!
00:05:06The superbly restored edifice in the heart of the incomparably beautiful Irish countryside.
00:05:14Also known to be the most haunted place on the Emerald Isle.
00:05:20Here the dead outnumber the living.
00:05:24This castle contains more ghouls, ghosties, long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night
00:05:32than on any other place in this revolving, revolting, maggot-spinning earth.
00:05:38We can promise you banshees, poofers, ghouls of all descriptions.
00:05:46The one thing we won't promise is a good night's sleep.
00:05:50But there are no bloody ghosts here.
00:05:52I know, but there will be. We'll invent them.
00:06:00Yes, Mr. Wilson, the accommodations are strictly modern in so far as renovations have been consistent
00:06:06with maintaining the eclectic ambience of Castle Blunkett and environs.
00:06:12Illusion.
00:06:14You, Katie, for instance, you high on a wire would be magnificent
00:06:20as a flying banshee.
00:06:24Dry rocks, selective damp, some fungus here and there.
00:06:28Ghosts leave such things to exist. Thank you.
00:06:32Patricia, Patricia, you could be a mermaid or Lady Godiva.
00:06:46Anybody dead down there?
00:06:48Give me the corpse, Eamon. What the shaggin' hell are you doing up there?
00:06:52Genius, father. Your genius. Just you wait till they see it.
00:06:58The bloody hand to the front.
00:07:04And the bloody feet at the rear.
00:07:10For God's sake, we're not doing the African queen.
00:07:13Will you get me the shaggin' fish, I ask you, father?
00:07:18What the hell?
00:07:22Smile, Katie, smile. The Americans are coming tomorrow.
00:07:27Now, Eamon and genius, one more time.
00:07:31Ready, steady, go.
00:07:48Jack, what are you doing?
00:07:50Some champagne to us, to Ireland, your homeland.
00:07:56Loch Ness Monster, guys in skirts.
00:07:58That's Scotland, Jack.
00:08:01I knew that, I knew that.
00:08:05Oh, Christ. Oh, Jack, I'm just taking too value.
00:08:09Now you're trying to drown me in champagne.
00:08:11I got it, I got it.
00:08:13God, next thing you know you want to have sex.
00:08:18No.
00:08:35Ma'am, more champagne?
00:08:39I suppose sex is out of the question.
00:08:48I think I should be the tart on the horse and you should be the hag in the crate.
00:08:52I think I should go home.
00:08:54Just give me that hair back.
00:09:19Full voyage!
00:09:34On our left we have the Hogland bog,
00:09:37home to more grisly and gruesome murders than any comparable spot in the universe.
00:09:42The fierce fighting of vampires who would pile down from the knock-me-down mountains
00:09:47and pillage and rape women and children, nuns and priests.
00:09:51We have children here.
00:09:52Even Christian brothers and daughters are the occasional sheep or goat.
00:09:58Now here, within the confines of Castle Plunkett itself,
00:10:02we come to the infamous Wailing Willow,
00:10:04from which the Brogan Banshees reputed to wail and howl from time to time.
00:10:11They're coming, Katie! They're coming!
00:10:13Get ready to show them all you have!
00:10:15Scare the jizz out of them.
00:10:18Howl, Katie! Howl!
00:10:20Come on, howl! I can't see!
00:10:22You're wasting your life out there! Wave your arms!
00:10:30Ah, Jesus!
00:10:33Get me out!
00:10:35Ah!
00:10:38Stop them!
00:10:42Help me!
00:10:43Driver! Driver!
00:10:45Help!
00:10:49There's a lady on the luggage rack!
00:10:51Another lady and a Banshee!
00:10:53And there's a Banshee on the luggage rack!
00:10:55The Banshee howling brings forth
00:10:59the restless, spiritual Lady Amelia Bulefroy,
00:11:03risen from her grave,
00:11:05riding naked on her magical horse!
00:11:10Hands and heels now, Patricia!
00:11:13Help, Patricia!
00:11:15Help me! Help!
00:11:31Awesome!
00:11:34Come on, move it! Move it!
00:11:44The things I do for you!
00:11:47Deeply appreciated.
00:11:50Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
00:11:57Oh!
00:12:03Oh, my God!
00:12:05Are you all right?
00:12:07Help! I see them!
00:12:09Oh, my God!
00:12:11Help! I see them!
00:12:13Oh, my God!
00:12:15What do you mean, don't panic?
00:12:17Help!
00:12:19What does that mean, don't panic?
00:12:21Oh, shut up!
00:12:23She's amphibious! I know I told you!
00:12:42Jesus Christ, this is the end of the world.
00:12:46Best move forward, Katie.
00:12:48Welcome to Castle Plunkett!
00:12:52You are most heartily welcome.
00:12:56Ladies, gentlemen, children,
00:13:00you appear to be a trifle moist.
00:13:03May I?
00:13:12Good evening, boys, young lady.
00:13:14Mr. Crawford, Mrs. Crawford, Mrs. Clay.
00:13:17Mr. Plunkett, what is this whiting in a glaze?
00:13:20Oh, that would be a lovely whiting with breadcrumbs.
00:13:23And the, um, whiting enditure?
00:13:25Boiled whiting.
00:13:27So what's whiting vapor stuff?
00:13:29That, my dear young one, would be whiting steam.
00:13:32And what is this?
00:13:34Whiting Bordeaux?
00:13:36Ha, ha, ha, ha! Very witty.
00:13:39Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Very witty, Mr. Clay, very witty.
00:13:42Okay, Mom, you've got us here. Now, where are these ghosts?
00:13:45Come on, I want to see one now!
00:13:47Boys! I'm afraid there are no ghosts here.
00:13:51Oh, a cynic, Mr. Clay.
00:13:53No, a parapsychologist.
00:13:56Mr. Plunkett, Duke University.
00:13:59A para-what?
00:14:01A parapsychologist, an expert in ghosts.
00:14:04Give the parapsychologist a drink, Katie.
00:14:09Thank you.
00:14:19Whiting bisque, madame.
00:14:21Thank you.
00:14:28And for you, Father, the whiting bisque.
00:14:32So, I was seeing this guy, and he's a devil worshipper, right?
00:14:37Not a hairdresser, really, but he devil worships on the side.
00:14:40And we booked this dumb tour, because, you know, he likes ghosts.
00:14:44Corpses, dead gerbils, that kind of thing.
00:14:47And he ran off with this Buddhist monk.
00:14:50I mean, how was I supposed to know he was gay?
00:14:55So, what about you? Are you gay, too?
00:14:57No, I'm not. I'm...
00:14:59I'm chaste.
00:15:01Just kidding. Trick question.
00:15:03So, what are you doing here?
00:15:06Well, I thought I'd take a vacation here in the Isle of Saints...
00:15:10before I take my final vows, a sort of spiritual retreat.
00:15:15Yeah. Well, I've kind of taken a vow myself.
00:15:19I've sworn off men for a while, at least.
00:15:24But you're not a priest yet?
00:15:27No, not yet.
00:15:29Well, here's to keeping our vows.
00:15:37Straight to the end.
00:15:47Mr. Plunkett.
00:15:49Who's that?
00:15:54Mary Plunkett.
00:15:56My great-great-great-great-great-great-grandcousin.
00:16:00She died right here in Castle Plunkett 200 years ago.
00:16:04She couldn't take the whiting, either?
00:16:06A levity is out of place, Mrs. Crawford.
00:16:09She was murdered on her wedding night...
00:16:12by the hand of her newly-wedded husband.
00:16:21When I remember
00:16:27All friends linked together
00:16:33I've seen around me
00:16:39Fall like leaves in winter
00:16:44Why don't I just give you both here, huh?
00:16:46I can get the chains later.
00:16:49Lovely music.
00:16:50Shut up!
00:16:51Some bank would have deserted
00:16:57Whose eyes have met
00:17:00Whose gowns trailed
00:17:03And all that knew
00:17:06If not a tale
00:17:09Thus in the stilly night
00:17:15There's someone whose chain
00:17:18Has bound me
00:17:21And fond memory brings
00:17:26How do you get what he's singing?
00:17:33It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
00:17:57The full moon has risen above Hoechlinbong.
00:18:02Those of you with nervous dispositions
00:18:04will do well to protect yourselves.
00:18:06Lock your windows.
00:18:08Bolt your doors.
00:18:09Say your prayers.
00:18:11For tonight they may be walking abroad.
00:18:14The chlorocanes, the banshees, and the pukars.
00:18:19Good night. Sleep well, if you can.
00:18:22Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:18:25Where did they all go?
00:18:27Don't ask. They might come back.
00:18:33Well, if there are any ghosts in this castle,
00:18:35I hope to God they put on a better show than this one.
00:18:38It's pretty scary, huh, kids?
00:18:40Didn't you see Nightmare on Elm Street?
00:18:42Give me a break.
00:18:44Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
00:18:45Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:18:46Scared the shit out of me.
00:18:48I don't know what you're talking about.
00:18:50Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
00:18:51Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
00:18:53Scared the shit out of me.
00:18:56Right, phase two.
00:18:58Haiti banshee time.
00:19:00Julia, where's me bandages?
00:19:05Because it's hard to get a significant C.R. reading
00:19:08when there is no observed deviation to be measured.
00:19:12I'm afraid that this is going to be the most pitiful scam
00:19:15that I've ever had to be a part of.
00:19:17I'm done.
00:19:19Malky.
00:19:21Get me the night you bought me the duty-free.
00:19:26Honey?
00:19:33Oh, thanks, Black Bear.
00:19:35Oh, take this, would you?
00:19:37Expected random fluctuations of the standard deviation
00:19:41would need to exceed 2.33 for it to be conceived as significant.
00:19:45And here we have a very impressive sight indeed.
00:19:47It's the winning Hereford Bull, owned by Mr. Lynch of Topper Curry.
00:19:52And he's won the competition for the third year in a row.
00:19:56Mind you, the competition we saw today was of a very high quality indeed.
00:20:01And the judges had a very difficult task.
00:20:04Of course, these days, the judges emphasize grooming,
00:20:08whether it be bulls...
00:20:10Oh, my God.
00:20:12Major jet lag.
00:20:14...walk around the stalls this morning.
00:20:16Whether it be hammers or bulls...
00:20:18Um, excuse me.
00:20:21Uh, I don't believe in ghosts.
00:20:27Oh, wait.
00:20:29Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:20:31Calm down, Miranda.
00:20:34You can stop it now because really I'm not scared.
00:20:41Oh, no.
00:20:44No!
00:20:52Ah, well, that'll kick.
00:20:54Ah!
00:20:56One more time, my lady, and give the window a little tap.
00:20:59Huh? Tap it yourself.
00:21:01No, no, I won't. Away, little John!
00:21:03Ah!
00:21:05Ah!
00:21:10Don't look at me, you bastards!
00:21:15Ah!
00:21:25Okay, you guys,
00:21:27if you aren't in bed in three seconds, you are grounded.
00:21:30But we haven't seen a ghost yet.
00:21:32And I'm not whistling Dixie.
00:21:34Oh, God.
00:21:38Hmm.
00:21:40Ah!
00:21:43Ah!
00:21:54Help me!
00:21:56Help!
00:21:58Help me!
00:22:00Help me!
00:22:02A needle?
00:22:04Help me!
00:22:06Help!
00:22:08All right, all right, I'm coming!
00:22:10You have to help me, Brother Tony!
00:22:12You have to make it stop!
00:22:14I don't like it at all!
00:22:16Come on, Brother Tony, jump!
00:22:18I'm coming!
00:22:20Help me!
00:22:22Brother Tony, do something!
00:22:24Don't just lie there, do something!
00:22:26Like what? Like what?
00:22:28Exercise it! Exercise it!
00:22:30You're a priest, aren't you?
00:22:32How about a little something from Revelations?
00:22:34Revelations!
00:22:36Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:22:38But I saw... I saw...
00:22:40I'm going to be sick!
00:22:42Stop working!
00:22:44We're going to die!
00:22:46They're going to kill us!
00:22:52Change in the humidity
00:22:54and you will turn blue.
00:23:02Come to me, bugbear.
00:23:04Make me a woman.
00:23:08My love.
00:23:12Oh!
00:23:14That's the most pathetic display
00:23:16that I've ever seen!
00:23:18Malcolm!
00:23:20What is that, a 45-degree semi-silver mirror?
00:23:28Now, Amon,
00:23:30the sword!
00:23:32Jack,
00:23:34what are you doing?
00:23:36I smell something burning, Jack.
00:23:38Oh!
00:23:44Oh!
00:23:46Jack!
00:23:48How many times do I have to tell you no?
00:23:50I'm exhausted!
00:23:52We are not making love tonight!
00:23:54I just saw a ghost!
00:23:56That is the most pathetic excuse for sex
00:23:58I have ever heard!
00:24:00If I say I'm too tired, then I'm too tired!
00:24:02Thank you very much, Jack.
00:24:04You're more valuable.
00:24:08Ah!
00:24:10My God, he's got an underwear!
00:24:12Oh, very nice! A perfect ghost!
00:24:14Oh, Malcolm, the children!
00:24:16Don't worry, Mark. I'll handle this.
00:24:18Get away from the children!
00:24:20Supernatural, huh?
00:24:22Sounds pretty solid to me.
00:24:24Behind me, children!
00:24:26There you are!
00:24:28Follow me, Ph.D.
00:24:30There's a lift field!
00:24:32Hey!
00:24:34Hey!
00:24:40I think it's real, Dad!
00:24:42I'll show you real!
00:24:46Oh, God!
00:24:48Oh, my God!
00:24:50Ah!
00:24:52You could have shaken
00:24:54killed me!
00:24:56Ha!
00:24:58Maybe if we made love more often,
00:25:00you wouldn't need your stupid pills.
00:25:08Do not take that valium.
00:25:10Sharon, do not take that valium!
00:25:12Would you listen to me for once in your life?
00:25:14Sharon, please!
00:25:24It's not working!
00:25:26We have to stop!
00:25:28Let's make something else!
00:25:30Ah!
00:25:32Ah!
00:25:54What are you doing?
00:26:02Burn it!
00:26:04Lock it!
00:26:06You phony! You fake!
00:26:18Calm yourselves!
00:26:20Calm yourselves!
00:26:22As the brochure says,
00:26:24the unpredictability of spirits causes problems.
00:26:26I would like to apologize for any minor inconvenience.
00:26:28This is the most pitiful supernatural sham
00:26:30that I've ever encountered.
00:26:32We'll get better, I assure you.
00:26:46That's it.
00:26:48That's it.
00:26:50We are leaving tomorrow morning, Jack.
00:26:52No, no, no!
00:26:54My dear woman!
00:26:56Am I intruding?
00:26:58Give the poor ghosts a little time!
00:27:00What history, dude?
00:27:02Couldn't we look on tonight as a kind of dress rehearsal?
00:27:04You're finished, Plunkett!
00:27:08I'm going to personally expose this pathetic fraud!
00:27:10They are lost, sir!
00:27:12Against people like you.
00:27:14Marge, children, we're leaving.
00:27:18Maybe Jim Brogan will give us another chance.
00:27:20Jim Brogan?
00:27:22Jack.
00:27:24What's Jim Brogan got to do with this?
00:27:26He's got a mortgage on the place and we've only got two weeks left
00:27:28and then he's going to throw us out.
00:27:30Jack, I'm very tired. I'd like to go to bed now.
00:27:32Now!
00:27:34Just wait a minute!
00:27:36What's going on here, Mr. Plunkett?
00:27:38So he told a lie.
00:27:42Everyone lies once in a while,
00:27:44so Katie isn't a ghost
00:27:46and Julia still has her head on
00:27:48and Eamon isn't her mummy
00:27:50and the castle isn't haunted.
00:27:52But what of that?
00:27:56All you've got to ask yourselves is
00:27:58why did we do it?
00:28:02We did it because we love this place.
00:28:08Every little worm eaten brick,
00:28:10every little rotting nook and cranny.
00:28:16Why should you Americans care
00:28:18if I lose my home?
00:28:20Castle Plunkett.
00:28:22And the villagers
00:28:24lose their only means of employment.
00:28:26Thank you.
00:28:28Jack.
00:28:30Jack, let's go to bed.
00:28:34I care, Mr. Plunkett.
00:28:36What?
00:28:38I care.
00:28:40Jim Brogan is my father-in-law, so
00:28:42I'm involved in this.
00:28:44You're Jim Brogan's daughter?
00:28:46Yes.
00:28:48My name's
00:28:50Brogan and
00:28:52well, I might as well tell you
00:28:54that there won't be any extensions on your mortgage.
00:28:56I mean, not after tonight's performance.
00:28:58I don't believe this.
00:29:00Look, Daddy asked me to check it out.
00:29:02I mean, this ghost business was too ridiculous.
00:29:04So you came to sabotage us.
00:29:06No, no, no.
00:29:08You did perfectly all right all by yourself.
00:29:10I didn't have to lift a finger.
00:29:12Jack, are you coming?
00:29:26Look, I...
00:29:28I don't know what to say.
00:29:30I mean...
00:29:32I didn't know.
00:29:34I didn't.
00:29:36I didn't know.
00:29:38I didn't know.
00:29:40I didn't.
00:29:42I mean, for what it's worth,
00:29:44I think this place is great.
00:29:50You're the ghost in the bedroom.
00:29:54You are the banshee on the luggage rack.
00:30:00Sharon!
00:30:02Sharon!
00:30:04Sharon!
00:30:06Sharon!
00:30:08Wait a minute.
00:30:10Daddy wants this place. He's always wanted it.
00:30:12He was born here. He hates the blankets.
00:30:14Why?
00:30:16Why not? Daddy hates most people.
00:30:18So you lied to me.
00:30:20You used our second honeymoon for Daddy.
00:30:22Jack, it's business.
00:30:24It's business?
00:30:26Obviously a word you're not familiar with.
00:30:38Where are you going?
00:30:40Get drunk.
00:30:44I don't want you to lose your castle.
00:30:46Not to my father-in-law.
00:30:48He's a son of a bitch.
00:30:50Oh, my dear fellow,
00:30:52you're too kind.
00:30:54He's an unlovely combination
00:30:56of a son of a bitch
00:30:58and a rat's knackers.
00:31:00What's a rat's knackers?
00:31:02It's an unholy term.
00:31:04It's an unholy term.
00:31:06What's a rat's knackers?
00:31:08It's an unholy trinity
00:31:10of a muckraker,
00:31:12a gob of shite
00:31:14and a whore's melt.
00:31:18Guy's a dick.
00:31:20In a word.
00:31:22Would you like a drink?
00:31:24Sir, I had one.
00:31:26I'm in a real drink.
00:31:36Oh.
00:31:54Up!
00:31:56There you are.
00:31:58Oh.
00:32:06Yes?
00:32:08My father's brew.
00:32:22Oh!
00:32:30Oh, perfect.
00:32:32Look at that side.
00:32:34That side.
00:32:36Gotta look at the good sides.
00:32:38Constantly, there's two sides.
00:32:40There's two sides to every story.
00:32:42Do you want to sing?
00:32:44Right here.
00:32:48Milk of human kindness, Sharon.
00:32:50Three little words
00:32:52every once in a while.
00:32:54Doesn't cost anything.
00:32:56I love you.
00:32:58Oh.
00:33:02Oh, shit.
00:33:04Wrong room.
00:33:08The room's not this nice.
00:33:28No, Martin.
00:33:30Hey, is that what you think?
00:33:32Oh, no, Martin, no.
00:33:34Oh, I know you.
00:33:36You're the girl, the painting.
00:33:38Oh, yeah, we harlot.
00:33:40No, Martin.
00:33:42You're the one in the painting.
00:33:44Come here.
00:33:46Who's this guy?
00:33:48Great act.
00:33:50Real bruises, too.
00:33:52Wow, that's great.
00:33:54Hey, pal.
00:33:56You should have done this earlier.
00:33:58I think you could have saved the place.
00:34:00Where is he?
00:34:02Martin, there's no one.
00:34:04Great outfit.
00:34:06Martin, there's no one.
00:34:08Looks real.
00:34:10Looks real.
00:34:12Looks a little rough, but real.
00:34:14Why don't I believe you?
00:34:16Oh.
00:34:18Oh.
00:34:20Oh.
00:34:22Oh, this is
00:34:24This is so disgusting.
00:34:30Mary?
00:34:32Mary?
00:34:36Oh, Lord.
00:34:38She wouldn't hang out with a lie in her lips.
00:34:40Oh, God, what have I done?
00:34:42You killed her.
00:34:44Oh, Lord, what have I done?
00:34:46I told you, you killed her.
00:34:48Oh, Mary.
00:34:50Oh, Lord, what have I done?
00:34:52Oh.
00:35:12There's a trapdoor down here.
00:35:14Ha!
00:35:16Yes.
00:35:18Let me see.
00:35:20Oh, no, Martin!
00:35:30So ya wee harlot!
00:35:31No, Martin!
00:35:32No!
00:35:33You want to talk with me, girl?
00:35:34Huh?
00:35:35Hey!
00:35:36Hey!
00:35:37Hey!
00:35:38Hey!
00:35:39Hey!
00:35:40Hey!
00:35:41Hey!
00:35:42Hey!
00:35:43Hey!
00:35:44Hey!
00:35:45Hey!
00:35:46Hey!
00:35:47Hey!
00:35:48Hey!
00:35:49No, Martin!
00:35:50Where is he?
00:35:51Martin, there's no one.
00:35:52Martin!
00:35:53Martin, there's no one!
00:35:54Martin, there's no one!
00:35:55Martin!
00:35:56Where is he?
00:35:57There's no one!
00:35:58Where is he?
00:35:59Martin!
00:36:00Martin!
00:36:01Where are you going?
00:36:02You can't do this!
00:36:03Martin, there's no one!
00:36:04Hey!
00:36:05Hey!
00:36:06Oh...
00:36:07I'm hit.
00:36:09Oh...
00:36:10Oh, god...
00:36:13Oh god...
00:36:16Dirty Rat.
00:36:18Oh, you miss me, you miss me.
00:36:23Oh, Lord.
00:36:25I wish you wouldn't die.
00:36:26I don't want to lie on your lips.
00:36:29Oh, Lord, what have I done?
00:36:32Oh, God, what have I done?
00:36:35What have I done?
00:36:38Oh, Mary.
00:36:39Who are you guys?
00:36:41Oh, Mary.
00:36:42Mary Plunkett.
00:36:45Wait a minute.
00:36:47Wait a minute.
00:36:48This is an act.
00:36:53This is an act.
00:36:59How can I thank you?
00:37:01For what?
00:37:03For your selflessness.
00:37:07I... I... I don't... I don't...
00:37:11How can I thank you?
00:37:14You're so beautiful.
00:37:18How can I thank you?
00:37:21Thank you.
00:37:23Don't go.
00:37:24Thank you.
00:37:25Why do you have to go?
00:37:27Thank you.
00:37:29I don't feel good.
00:37:59Sharon, I think I'm going crazy.
00:38:13I gotta know.
00:38:15Did you...
00:38:20Did you ever love me?
00:38:30Let's see if those pills really work.
00:38:34Yeah.
00:38:41You've had a good life.
00:38:44You've had a good life.
00:39:06Oh, God.
00:39:13Oh, God.
00:39:25You... You...
00:39:44You...
00:39:50Good morning, darling.
00:39:52Good morning, Lavinia.
00:39:54Well, our son is an idiot.
00:39:58We've known that for years, haven't we, darling?
00:40:03Well, this time he has surpassed himself.
00:40:06The ghosts are furious.
00:40:08Why?
00:40:09Well, they've heard that that Jem Brogan fellow is going to move the castle to Malibu.
00:40:13Oh, how nice.
00:40:15All that sunshine and all those movie stars.
00:40:21No respectable ghost would live in California.
00:40:25Besides, the Irish, what would they do there?
00:40:28Oh, if only I hadn't died, none of this would ever have happened.
00:40:31Well, you did die, didn't you, darling?
00:40:34So what are we gonna do about it?
00:40:36That's it.
00:40:37Out of my hands? They won't listen to me.
00:40:40They're going to give those Americans exactly what they came here for.
00:40:44Serve them right.
00:40:51I'm dead.
00:40:55So this is what it feels like.
00:41:03Like a hangover.
00:41:07Peter.
00:41:09Peter, wake up.
00:41:11Wake up.
00:41:13The Yanks are leaving.
00:41:15Really?
00:41:27As long as I'm dead, I might as well tell you.
00:41:32You've got all the warmth of a penguin on an iceberg.
00:41:38Yeah.
00:41:41You're a dwarf.
00:41:43Yeah, you better clean those chappas real good so you can chew up the next jerk who comes along, huh?
00:41:50I'm not dead?
00:41:52No, but if I were you, I wouldn't make any long-range plans.
00:41:55Great, Jack. Now I've got a massive migraine coming on.
00:41:58My B-complex level is rock bottom.
00:42:01Sharon, look.
00:42:03Let me see that.
00:42:05Sharon, I think...
00:42:08Gut pack, Jack.
00:42:10Sharon, you took a Valium.
00:42:15Wrong pills?
00:42:19What did you have for your breakfast, little boy?
00:42:21Some damn fish.
00:42:24That was a nice change.
00:42:26I said this place is a nightmare, Daddy!
00:42:31Of course I sound strange. I'm depressed.
00:42:34Everybody hates me.
00:42:36And last night, Jack slept on the floor, and when he woke up, he said he was dead,
00:42:40and that I was a dwarf, and that I had duck teeth,
00:42:43and you know how self-conscious I am about those things?
00:42:46This is all your fault! I hate this place!
00:42:49Miss Crawford, are you all right?
00:42:54Do you think that I'm colder than a penguin on an iceberg?
00:42:58Oh, well, no.
00:43:00No, you see, actually, penguins are a lot warmer than people give them credit for.
00:43:10How dare you!
00:43:13Jack!
00:43:16I didn't... Don't tell my wife.
00:43:18Jack!
00:43:20I mean, not that I...
00:43:22Jack, what are you doing?
00:43:24Do you hear me, Sharon?
00:43:26You can't get on this boat!
00:43:28Jack!
00:43:29Sharon! Will you talk to me, Sharon?
00:43:57You're real.
00:43:59I mean, you're not.
00:44:01You're a real ghost.
00:44:08Jack!
00:44:12Jack!
00:44:16Jack!
00:44:18Jack!
00:44:20Jack!
00:44:22Jack!
00:44:25Jack!
00:44:32I have to thank you for what you did last night.
00:44:35It was nothing.
00:44:37What did I do?
00:44:39You gave me my first moment of peace in near 200 years.
00:44:43I'll be in your debt for eternity, sir.
00:44:45It was nothing. It was nothing. And you don't have to call me sir.
00:44:48What can I call you?
00:44:50Uh... Uh... Jack?
00:44:53Jack?
00:44:55Jack. Thank you, sir Jack.
00:44:58It's on me. Okay?
00:45:03Lovely dress.
00:45:05My wedding dress.
00:45:07Today is my wedding day.
00:45:09Tonight he'll murder me.
00:45:12You get murdered every night?
00:45:14Every night until last night.
00:45:17What about tonight?
00:45:19That depends on you.
00:45:21Or me.
00:45:23Your love broke the chain.
00:45:25Crossed the boundary line.
00:45:27Oh, my God! Hold on! You can't depend on me!
00:45:29Nobody can depend on me!
00:45:31My wife would never understand. I can't...
00:45:33Oh, it wasn't love then.
00:45:35Hold Mary. We hardly know each other.
00:45:37Jack!
00:45:39Okay!
00:45:41Look, I gotta go.
00:45:43Don't go, Jack.
00:45:45I gotta... I just... I... Look, I...
00:45:47You want to forget me.
00:45:49I just don't...
00:45:51What?
00:45:53What?
00:45:57What?
00:45:59Jack?
00:46:01Jack!
00:46:03What?
00:46:05What?
00:46:07Jack?
00:46:11What?
00:46:13What the heck?
00:46:15What?
00:46:17Oh, God!
00:46:27Ah!
00:46:29Ah!
00:46:31Ah!
00:46:33Ah!
00:46:35Ah!
00:46:37Ah!
00:46:39Ah!
00:46:41Ah!
00:46:43Ah!
00:46:45Miss Dartmouth!
00:46:47Miss Dartmouth!
00:46:51Ha ha ha ha!
00:46:53Why?
00:46:55Oh!
00:46:57Jesus Christ! I've got you!
00:46:59No, no. Don't let him.
00:47:01Oh! So all the snakes
00:47:03weren't driven out of Ireland!
00:47:05What?
00:47:07Ha ha ha ha!
00:47:09Ha ha ha!
00:47:11Ha ha ha!
00:47:13No, no!
00:47:16...
00:47:39to die, to sleep no more, and by us...
00:47:43We have sleep to say we end the heartache.
00:47:46Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, they're saying...
00:47:54There is a God.
00:48:02Hey, would your name conceivably be Jack?
00:48:11Yeah.
00:48:13Jack.
00:48:23Welcome back, dear guests.
00:48:26Let me be the first to apologize for our detrimental Irish weather.
00:48:31Shut up, Plunkett. Call us a cab.
00:48:33Certainly, Mr. Clare. Immediately.
00:48:36I'm back to take what's mine.
00:48:40Deepest regrets that phones are dead.
00:48:43The storm must have knocked them out.
00:48:51So we're all together for one more night.
00:48:54It seems that we're becoming one big happy family.
00:48:59Sorry, Mr. Peake.
00:49:05Plunkett, I'd rather walk into town in this suit of armor...
00:49:08and spend the night in this stable...
00:49:10than to spend one more second in this hellhole!
00:49:13Marge! Children! We're leaving!
00:49:29Oh, my God!
00:49:31Malcolm!
00:49:34Malcolm! Oh, God!
00:49:38Malcolm, can you hear me?
00:49:43Oh, please, let it be all right.
00:49:45Oh, it's all right.
00:49:50Plunkett, this is your doing!
00:49:55Yes, I think we could stay one more night.
00:49:58Marge?
00:50:00Sweet Mother Mary, St. Bridget...
00:50:03please don't let me marry him.
00:50:05Please release me.
00:50:07I don't love Martin and I never will.
00:50:11Sweet Mother Mary, St. Bridget...
00:50:14please don't let me marry him.
00:50:16Please release me.
00:50:18I don't love Martin and...
00:50:20Mary?
00:50:23Sweet Mother Mary, St. Bridget...
00:50:25Mary?
00:50:26Please don't let me marry him.
00:50:28Please release me.
00:50:29Mary.
00:50:30Sweet Mother Mary.
00:50:32Mary!
00:50:35Sweet Jesus, what happened to you?
00:50:38Ran into a little wind.
00:50:40Oh, dear.
00:50:41That would be the spirits in the castle.
00:50:44Sorry.
00:50:46What are you doing?
00:50:48I'm praying to Saint Bridget to release me from my marriage vows.
00:50:52Look, this is too psychotic for me.
00:50:55I mean, look.
00:50:57I mean, I'm as up for a good nervous breakdown as anybody, really,
00:51:00but this is too much.
00:51:02I mean, I get here yesterday, my marriage collapses.
00:51:04Then I save a ghost from being murdered by another ghost.
00:51:07Now, if you think about it, it makes no sense at all.
00:51:09Then I fly through the air, hit a tree,
00:51:11and then Ronaldo, the talking horse here,
00:51:16leads me to...
00:51:20to the most beautiful ghost I've ever seen in my...
00:51:29Last night, when you took Martin's sword in my stead,
00:51:34you broke the cursed chain that has bound me for 200 years.
00:51:39What cursed chain?
00:51:41My marriage to Martin Brogan was arranged by my father.
00:51:46I did not love him.
00:51:48He had warts, and his feet stank.
00:51:53On my wedding night, I refused to be touped by him.
00:51:58Touped?
00:52:02Oh, touped?
00:52:04I get it.
00:52:05Go on, go on, go on.
00:52:07He thought I loved another, though I did not.
00:52:13And in a jealous fury, he did me to death.
00:52:19Now, every day for me is the same.
00:52:25If I get murdered one more time, I'll scream.
00:52:29You don't want to be a ghost.
00:52:31We are what we are.
00:52:35So, uh, this Marty stank, huh?
00:52:39Aye, and he squished.
00:52:42He squished?
00:52:44Squished.
00:52:45Oh, he squished?
00:52:47Kuh!
00:52:51Could you love a man who belched but didn't squish?
00:52:57I could love you, Sir Jack.
00:53:00If you loved me, the miracle could happen.
00:53:06I can't.
00:53:07I can't.
00:53:08I cannot do this.
00:53:09I am married.
00:53:11Ah, then you don't know.
00:53:13I didn't say that.
00:53:14And I am doomed forever.
00:53:16Even now, Martin dons his garments, sharpens his knife.
00:53:21Goodbye, Sir Jack.
00:53:23Look, you're a ghost.
00:53:25I'm an American.
00:53:26It would never work out.
00:53:27Sweet Mother Mary.
00:53:29St. Columbine.
00:53:30Mary, look, I don't want you to get murdered again.
00:53:32I don't.
00:53:33It's just that my wife...
00:53:34If she found out, she'd murder me.
00:53:35Please don't let her, Marty.
00:53:47Oh, Jack, is that you?
00:53:52God, I don't know what happened to me, but I feel zonked.
00:53:55I've got pains all over my body.
00:53:57Could you rub my back?
00:54:00Well, go on, Jack.
00:54:01I won't bite.
00:54:05Oh, Jack, you never did it like that before.
00:54:09Mmm.
00:54:10Oh, St. Patrick.
00:54:12Ooh.
00:54:14Oh, St. Jude.
00:54:16Mmm.
00:54:18Oh, St. Colmcille.
00:54:21Oh, St. Hunts McGoldrick.
00:54:24Jack!
00:54:26Sharon?
00:54:27Sharon!
00:54:28Oh, honey!
00:54:29What?
00:54:30Jack!
00:54:32What?
00:54:33Jack!
00:54:34Honey!
00:54:35Honey, what?
00:54:36Where have you been?
00:54:37There was a man in my bathtub.
00:54:39Big, giant man.
00:54:40Gigantic.
00:54:41And he's rubbing my back.
00:54:42And it felt good.
00:54:43I should have known it wasn't you.
00:54:45You had warts all over you.
00:54:46Oh, yeah.
00:54:47Big ass warts.
00:54:48That's Martin.
00:54:49Who's Martin?
00:54:50He's a ghost.
00:54:51He's a what?
00:54:52He's a ghost.
00:54:53He murders his wife every night.
00:54:54Other than that, I think he's pretty harmless, sweetheart.
00:54:55Get out!
00:54:56Honey!
00:54:57Out!
00:54:58Sweetheart, look!
00:54:59Honey, do you understand?
00:55:00Out!
00:55:02Honey, we've got to talk.
00:55:10Are you okay, honey?
00:55:12Do I look okay?
00:55:14Not really.
00:55:26Oh.
00:55:32What are you doing?
00:55:34I have to check this place out.
00:55:39Something smells very wrong here.
00:55:42Yes, it does.
00:55:44It smells like burnt rubber.
00:55:47No, no, that's me.
00:55:53To right, to right, to left, left, to right.
00:55:55Do you believe this?
00:55:57There's only four channels.
00:55:59The cables must be unplugged.
00:56:00There's no cable.
00:56:01This is it.
00:56:02I tell you, this place sucks, the big one.
00:56:04So, fingers together.
00:56:14To right, right, right, to left.
00:56:17Oh, honey!
00:56:27It's getting really high.
00:56:38You horrible little children!
00:56:41Maternity is a big commitment.
00:56:43It's a long time.
00:56:45You've got to take things one step at a time.
00:56:47That's the key.
00:56:52You do love her, don't you?
00:56:55Yeah, I guess I do.
00:56:57What's the problem, then?
00:56:59She's a ghost.
00:57:01She's dead. I'm alive.
00:57:05How do you know all this?
00:57:07I'm married to one.
00:57:10Why don't you join us?
00:57:13For a drink.
00:57:15Yeah, I could use a drink.
00:57:17Yeah, sure.
00:57:23Oh, dear Lord.
00:57:25I do beseech Thee to help me in this,
00:57:28my hour of need.
00:57:31Oh, cleanse me of these impure thoughts I have
00:57:34for this woman.
00:57:39Miranda.
00:57:58Oh, come on.
00:58:05Oh! Oh!
00:58:07Oh, Lord!
00:58:09I get the message!
00:58:15Brother Tony?
00:58:26Brother Tony?
00:58:28Brother Tony, are you all right?
00:58:32Brother Tony?
00:58:37Brother Tony?
00:59:08Oh!
00:59:34Brother Tony?
00:59:36What are you doing in the pool?
00:59:39The Lord works in mysterious ways.
00:59:44True love can move mountains.
00:59:49Yeah, but it can't bring the dead back to life.
00:59:51Oh, yes, it can.
00:59:53On all Hallows' Eve.
00:59:55Halloween? That's tomorrow night.
00:59:57Yes, when the spirit moves
01:00:00and the flesh is willing
01:00:02and the juices flow
01:00:05and the scalping is mighty!
01:00:08What's scalping?
01:00:10It's a ghost term.
01:00:14But it's dangerous.
01:00:16You mustn't go too far.
01:00:18What do you mean?
01:00:36Oh, it's you!
01:00:38Whom were you expecting?
01:00:40Come on, get those fake ghosts.
01:00:42This is entirely different, isn't it?
01:00:44Is there something wrong with our room?
01:00:46Something's wrong with our room!
01:00:48What are you doing?
01:00:50What are you doing?
01:00:52What are you doing?
01:00:54What are you doing?
01:00:56What are you doing?
01:00:58What are you doing?
01:01:00What are you doing?
01:01:02What are you doing?
01:01:04What are you doing?
01:01:06I'm the brochure!
01:01:08We're talking real, live spirits here.
01:01:10How can you explain this?
01:01:12The weather.
01:01:14Oh, come off it, will you?
01:01:16Don't you understand?
01:01:18He wants us here.
01:01:20He knows it's the only way he can keep this dump.
01:01:23I don't know about the rest of you, but, Plunkett,
01:01:26you haven't fooled me at all.
01:01:28I've been fooled.
01:01:30Oh, me too.
01:01:33A ghost may not tuck with a human,
01:01:36so this means a ghost cannot make love with a human being.
01:01:39Oh, my God.
01:01:41Mary?
01:01:43Who's Mary?
01:01:45Uh...
01:01:47Who's this Mary?
01:01:49She's a woman. She's a ghost.
01:01:51Don't start this ghost stuff again.
01:01:53She's someone I care about.
01:01:55What?
01:01:57I think I'm falling...
01:01:59Don't tell me you're having an affair with a ghost.
01:02:02You're a lawyer, my lawyer,
01:02:04and I hope the ghost has a lawyer because I want to meet him.
01:02:07Here she is! This is Mary!
01:02:09No, Martin!
01:02:11So, yowee, harlot!
01:02:13No, Martin!
01:02:15That's Martin!
01:02:17That's the man that was in my bathroom!
01:02:19He's a giant!
01:02:21He's gigantic.
01:02:23They're having problems in their relationship.
01:02:25No, Jack, we're having problems in our relationship.
01:02:27Come here!
01:02:30Martin, there's no one!
01:02:32There's no one!
01:02:34There's no one!
01:02:36Martin, there's no one!
01:02:38Why don't I believe you?
01:02:40Believe this!
01:02:42Honey, honey, you can't just kick a ghost!
01:02:44Did you see that?
01:02:46Mary, Mary, wait!
01:02:48Wait, Mary!
01:02:53I love you.
01:02:55I know that.
01:02:57I know that.
01:02:59You do?
01:03:01When did you know that?
01:03:03The minute I saw you.
01:03:05The minute I knew I loved you.
01:03:09But your love must be true.
01:03:11It is.
01:03:13It must withstand all obstacles.
01:03:15It will.
01:03:17It will.
01:03:19Oh, Mary, my darling.
01:03:21What have I done to you?
01:03:23What have I done?
01:03:25That was a dirty trick, wasn't it?
01:03:27Eh?
01:03:29Eh?
01:03:31Kicking me right in the boogies.
01:03:33Were you going to stab your wife with a sword, you pig?
01:03:35Sure, that's no big thing. I do it every day.
01:03:37And I suppose watching other men's wives in the bathtub
01:03:39is no big deal either.
01:03:41Sure, it's a grand thing if the wife happens to be you.
01:03:45Are you dirty peeping, Tom?
01:03:47Her name is not Tom.
01:03:49It's Martin.
01:03:51Oh, Mary.
01:03:53Oh, Mary, I'm sorry, darling.
01:03:55What have I done to you?
01:03:57What have I done?
01:03:59Oh, God.
01:04:01Oh, God. Here, give us a wee scalpel for a bonus.
01:04:03No, no, no. Not again.
01:04:05Jeez, you're a wily vixen, aren't you?
01:04:07Oh, Lord, what have I done?
01:04:09Oh, God.
01:04:11What have I done?
01:04:13Oh, God, what a woman.
01:04:19You're not so bad yourself.
01:04:23What's scalping?
01:04:25Scalping?
01:04:29This is scalping.
01:04:35Oh.
01:04:41Oh.
01:04:43Oh.
01:05:05That's nasty.
01:05:07It wasn't nice?
01:05:09No, it was nice.
01:05:11It was very, very,
01:05:13very, very nice.
01:05:17Hold on, Mary.
01:05:19Wait a minute.
01:05:21You can't just scalp me and leave me.
01:05:23Can't help it.
01:05:25Scalping takes a lot out of you.
01:05:27Look, Mary, I...
01:05:29I'll be in the chamber
01:05:31midnight tomorrow.
01:05:37Mary.
01:05:41So,
01:05:43what's wrong with them, Mary?
01:05:47What's wrong
01:05:49with these Americans?
01:05:51One night they're desperate
01:05:53to leave, the next night
01:05:55you can't get rid of them.
01:05:57One day they hate
01:05:59the fighting, the next day they have
01:06:01to have all five courses.
01:06:03When you break your back
01:06:05to give them the ghost you thought they wanted,
01:06:07they scream at you,
01:06:09and when you throw the towel in,
01:06:11they scream even louder.
01:06:13They see spooks everywhere.
01:06:15Spooks in the bathroom,
01:06:17spooks under the bed.
01:06:21Don't they know when the joke is over?
01:06:25Don't they tell them enough?
01:06:31What is going on here?
01:06:33Eamon,
01:06:35why are chunks of masonry
01:06:37floating about?
01:07:03Mr. Plunkett,
01:07:05I think there's some...
01:07:07some people want to have a word with you.
01:07:09Who?
01:07:11Grand Uncle Peter.
01:07:13Grand Aunt Natalie.
01:07:15Granny Joyce.
01:07:17And her sister.
01:07:19Her half-sister.
01:07:21Not to mention...
01:07:23Oh, no.
01:07:25Your daddy.
01:07:27But he's dead!
01:07:29I know.
01:07:31He looks terrible angry, too.
01:07:33And I have a perfect right to be,
01:07:35considering what you have done to our ancestral home.
01:07:37Full out!
01:07:43That is it!
01:07:45That is it!
01:07:47Do you really think you can get away from me?
01:07:49Leave me alone. You're dead.
01:07:51Not so dead I can't see
01:07:53what a numbskull you are.
01:07:55Oh, fine!
01:07:57Call me names.
01:07:59That's so easy.
01:08:01For God's sake, look at you!
01:08:03What did you have to give me this place for?
01:08:05You knew I was an incompetent.
01:08:07All I wanted to be was happily useless.
01:08:09You made me miserably useless,
01:08:11giving me this place.
01:08:13Baths to run,
01:08:15bills to be paid,
01:08:17and then dying on me just like that!
01:08:21Most people give some warning, you know.
01:08:23Premature senility, angina,
01:08:25gout, bedridden for years,
01:08:27but not you. Oh, no, no, no.
01:08:29As an old goat, you pop off one day
01:08:31in the orchard, and what then?
01:08:33Not a goddamned
01:08:35word, not a whisper?
01:08:41Did it never occur to you that I might need
01:08:43some advice?
01:08:47That I might miss you?
01:08:51Oh, Peter, I never thought
01:08:53it was true.
01:08:55You old ghost.
01:08:57I missed you, Daddy.
01:09:01Oh, give your Daddy
01:09:03a hug.
01:09:09Oh!
01:09:13Oh.
01:09:15Sorry, Peter.
01:09:21They will be back
01:09:23tonight. It is all Hallows' Eve.
01:09:25If you see anything, just
01:09:27ignore it. Ignore it completely.
01:09:29Just pretend that it didn't happen.
01:09:31I'll do that now.
01:09:41I don't hear
01:09:43anything, do you?
01:09:45No. No.
01:09:47Don't you just love
01:09:49whiting?
01:09:55Oh.
01:10:11Madam.
01:10:13Oh. Madam.
01:10:15For you, I've missed my wedding for the first time in years.
01:10:17That's how much I want you.
01:10:19Actually, I know I'm a ghost and a murderer,
01:10:21but forget about all that.
01:10:23Listen.
01:10:25Tonight's all Hallows' Eve.
01:10:27And one night in a year, then I turn to flesh.
01:10:29Oh, what do you say
01:10:31to a wee bit of scalpel now?
01:10:37Come on.
01:10:39At least tell me your name.
01:10:53Wow.
01:10:55Oh, lady, I've got the best bohoogies
01:10:57from here to Ballanderi.
01:10:59Come on. What do you say?
01:11:01Let's give it a twirl, eh?
01:11:03Drop dead.
01:11:05Oh, God. What a woman.
01:11:23Oh.
01:11:35He who tups with the spirit
01:11:37finds only the grave.
01:11:41But the virtuous heart
01:11:43true love will save.
01:11:47He who tups with the spirit
01:11:49finds only the grave.
01:11:51But the virtuous heart
01:11:53true love will save.
01:11:55Oh, God.
01:12:19Whiskey over here, please.
01:12:21Give me the whiskey.
01:12:23Relax, everybody.
01:12:25Take it easy.
01:12:27They won't come into a bar, would they?
01:12:29Don't drink whiskey.
01:12:31Who? Spirits.
01:12:33How would I know? The Irish ones do.
01:12:35He says the Irish ones do. Don't.
01:12:37Now, what do they or don't they?
01:12:39You don't shake a no, do you?
01:12:41Look, it may be no more than a local disturbance
01:12:43in the extra-planar ether.
01:12:45Supernatural belch,
01:12:47you know what I'm talking about?
01:12:49Davey!
01:12:51Drinks all around!
01:12:53What? Ignore it!
01:12:55No! Oh, where's your ectoplasm now?
01:12:57What?
01:13:01Oh, my God. What?
01:13:03Oh.
01:13:05Oh, my God.
01:13:07Oh, my God!
01:13:09Oh, my God!
01:13:11Oh, my God!
01:13:13Oh!
01:13:15Oh!
01:13:17Oh!
01:13:19Oh!
01:13:21Oh!
01:13:23Oh!
01:13:25Oh!
01:13:27Oh!
01:13:29Oh!
01:13:31Oh!
01:13:43Oh, my God!
01:13:45What in the name of God is that?
01:13:47Dad, it's a squid!
01:13:49No, it's not!
01:13:51I want the shackles to get on top of it!
01:13:53It's a giant squid!
01:13:59Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil!
01:14:05Help! Help!
01:14:07Help!
01:14:09Help!
01:14:11Help!
01:14:14I'll call on my staff, they will come with me!
01:14:21Save the child!
01:14:25What are you doing?
01:14:31Hold on!
01:14:37Leave!
01:14:39Help!
01:14:41Leave!
01:14:43What is it?
01:14:45It's a giant squid!
01:14:49Help!
01:14:57Mum!
01:14:59Mum!
01:15:01Mum!
01:15:03Mum!
01:15:05Look!
01:15:07She's moving on!
01:15:09She's moving on!
01:15:13It's a bloody good thing we ignored it!
01:15:37Help!
01:15:55Hello.
01:15:57Hello.
01:16:03Oh God, you're real!
01:16:07Having fun?
01:16:09It's totally out of control here!
01:16:11I'm afraid I've been with my family!
01:16:13Is the roof leaking?
01:16:15I have no idea what it was like here!
01:16:19Did we just talk?
01:16:21No, but it's not too far off.
01:16:23Right, right.
01:16:25Hey, how about some champagne, huh?
01:16:27A little champagne to get our mind off the old you-know-what.
01:16:31Right?
01:16:33Whoa, usually messes up.
01:16:41Drink to me only with thine eyes,
01:16:43and I will pledge with mine.
01:16:47Or leave a kiss within the cup,
01:16:49and I'll not ask for a wine.
01:16:51That was so beautiful.
01:16:53Who wrote it?
01:16:55Ben Jonson.
01:16:57Oh!
01:16:59Who wrote it?
01:17:01Ben Jonson.
01:17:03Oh, Ben Jonson.
01:17:05You know,
01:17:07whenever I hear
01:17:09Ben's material,
01:17:11it just makes me think about you-know-what.
01:17:13I'm sorry.
01:17:15I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
01:17:17I apologize.
01:17:19Quote me something.
01:17:21Quote?
01:17:23Anything to keep our minds off...
01:17:25You-know-what.
01:17:28There ain't nothing in the world
01:17:30like a big-eyed girl
01:17:32to make me act so funny,
01:17:34make me spend my money,
01:17:36makes me feel real loose
01:17:38like a long-necked goose.
01:17:40Dun-dun-dun.
01:17:42Oh, baby, that's what I like.
01:17:46That's so...
01:17:48Who wrote that?
01:17:50The big bopper.
01:17:52Maybe you know him. He's dead, too.
01:17:55Are you sure they're gone?
01:17:57Everyone, stay behind me.
01:17:59We have to check this place out.
01:18:01I've never seen a parapsychologist before.
01:18:03Every inch of it, the castles, the grounds.
01:18:05It's kind of scary down there.
01:18:07I doubt we will work with a bunk of ancestors.
01:18:09Check outside.
01:18:11It's rather unapproachable.
01:18:13Shh. Shh.
01:18:15Shh. Shh.
01:18:17Shh.
01:18:20Oh, baby.
01:18:22Oh, sir, Jack,
01:18:24I'm in me coops.
01:18:26No, that's nothing.
01:18:28I'm really drunk.
01:18:30Mm. No, we mustn't.
01:18:32Right. We should just be friends.
01:18:34Yeah.
01:18:41Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:18:45This is great.
01:18:48Go!
01:18:53Halt!
01:18:55Go!
01:18:57How beautiful the night looks.
01:18:59I'm having the time of my life.
01:19:14Isn't it beautiful?
01:19:18I'm not as beautiful as you.
01:19:24Will you hold on?
01:19:26This is a parapsychologist!
01:19:28I formally declare this
01:19:30a spirit-free zoo!
01:19:33Yeah!
01:19:35Yeah!
01:19:37If you ever go across the sea...
01:19:42...raise me up.
01:19:44I'm closing all of our gates.
01:19:57Oh.
01:19:59Oh, yeah.
01:20:01I'm not tapping.
01:20:03I'm not tapping, right?
01:20:05I mean, this is somewhere
01:20:07between a 20-scalp and a tap, right?
01:20:10It's a little tough, right?
01:20:36Holy God, that's my Shaggin' Puss!
01:20:39It shouldn't be happening.
01:20:41Not again, it shouldn't be happening.
01:20:43Somebody's blowing it here.
01:20:45Where's Jack?
01:20:47Sharon.
01:20:49Not again.
01:20:51Sharon!
01:20:53Sharon!
01:20:58Jack.
01:21:00We mustn't.
01:21:02We can't.
01:21:04It's not right.
01:21:06Oh, that's nice.
01:21:08I mean, no. Stop.
01:21:10Stop.
01:21:11Don't listen to me, Jack. Go on.
01:21:17Sharon, I love thee.
01:21:20And tonight's my holy night.
01:21:23Oh, Sharon, I love thee.
01:21:26No, Jack. Remember our promise?
01:21:29Remember? We can't.
01:21:32A little to the right.
01:21:35A little blue for me.
01:21:37Come here to me, my wee beauty.
01:21:39Come here to me.
01:21:42Where are you?
01:21:44Ow!
01:21:46Oh, Sharon, wait, wait, wait!
01:21:48I love you, Jack.
01:21:50I love you.
01:21:52I love you.
01:22:06What?
01:22:08Actually, you look very like my mother.
01:22:11Jesus, Mary, Jesus.
01:22:13Jesus, Mary, Jesus.
01:22:15Oh, Lord, please save this beautiful creature from these demons.
01:22:18If a life must be taken, take mine.
01:22:21Take mine.
01:22:23Yes.
01:22:25Oh, yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
01:22:28Goodbye, my love.
01:22:30I shall fear no evil for thou art with me.
01:22:34My God, Jack, we shouldn't have...
01:22:40Mary, that was something.
01:22:57Where are you?
01:22:59Sharon, this isn't a joke anymore.
01:23:01Oh, oh, oh!
01:23:03Straight hooks for Goldrick, win!
01:23:17Mary, what's happened?
01:23:20It's the powers, Jack.
01:23:22I'm 200 years old.
01:23:25Oh, Jack.
01:23:28Jack.
01:23:30What?
01:23:34He who tempts with the spirit tempts with the grave.
01:23:37Jack.
01:23:39Mary. Mary.
01:23:41Help me!
01:23:47Oh, God!
01:23:49Jack, Jack, just tell me you love me.
01:23:52Make it outright.
01:23:54But you're not Mary. You're a corpse.
01:23:56Jack!
01:23:58Don't do this to me, darling.
01:24:00Get away from me.
01:24:02Help!
01:24:04Oh, bollocks!
01:24:06Oh, Jesus!
01:24:13Hi, Marty.
01:24:15Where's the wife?
01:24:17Don't mind, you don't.
01:24:19Yours.
01:24:21I've been followed by a UFO!
01:24:23Sharon, Sharon.
01:24:25You take it so excitedly.
01:24:27I didn't know what was going on.
01:24:33Hey, Mary.
01:24:35We're just playing around, darling, you know?
01:24:37Jack?
01:24:39You threw me over for this?
01:24:41This?
01:24:43I mean, I knew you liked passive women, Jack.
01:24:46But she's half dead.
01:24:48I hope she has a great personality because this hurts.
01:24:50At least she said she loved me.
01:24:52That's a lot more than you ever did.
01:24:54Yeah, we are, and I'll tell you!
01:24:56Oh, no! Oh, no!
01:24:58She looks dead enough already. Don't start that.
01:25:00Please don't start that.
01:25:02It's all right, Sharon.
01:25:04Oh, Jack, your wife's a woman.
01:25:06So is yours.
01:25:08So was yours.
01:25:10Oh, Sharon.
01:25:12Where are you going?
01:25:14Jack.
01:25:16I was just kidding.
01:25:18You were made for each other, and you look great.
01:25:20You really do.
01:25:22Jack.
01:25:24Goodbye, Mary.
01:25:26Sorry for the last 200 years, darling.
01:25:28Jack.
01:25:30You said you'd love me forever.
01:25:34I know. I know, Mary.
01:25:36I just...
01:25:38You were so different then.
01:25:40Only on the outside, Jack.
01:25:44Inside, I'm the same.
01:25:46Yeah, I know.
01:25:48I know looks aren't everything.
01:25:50I'm in here, Jack.
01:25:52It's just that they can help so much when you...
01:25:54Jack, kiss me.
01:25:56Kiss you?
01:25:58Maybe we should get some moisturizer.
01:26:00Kiss me, Jack.
01:26:02Or some medical supervision or something.
01:26:04One last time.
01:26:08There you go, Jack.
01:26:10Stop, let me catch my breath.
01:26:12Martin, where are you?
01:26:18Martin, wait!
01:26:20Don't go!
01:26:24Sharon!
01:26:26How the hell did you get up there?
01:26:28Sharon!
01:26:30No, don't go, Martin!
01:26:32No, wait!
01:26:34No!
01:26:36No!
01:26:38No, don't go, Martin!
01:26:40No, wait!
01:26:54Sharon!
01:26:56I'm in here now.
01:26:58Martin, where are you?
01:27:02Oh, Martin.
01:27:04Oh, Sharon, you do love me, don't you?
01:27:06Oh, yes.
01:27:08You do love me, sir, Jack.
01:27:10Yeah.
01:27:12And look at me.
01:27:16Well, then, be with me. Be with me forever.
01:27:18Any way you want it.
01:27:30Come here. Come here.
01:27:36Come here.
01:27:42Sharon.
01:27:44Sharon.
01:27:46Oh, Sharon.
01:27:48Oh, Sharon.
01:27:50Oh, my God.
01:27:52Oh, God.
01:27:54Oh, what have I...
01:27:56What have I done?
01:27:58Oh.
01:28:00You weren't meant for this.
01:28:02I didn't want this to happen.
01:28:04Oh, God.
01:28:06Oh, Sharon.
01:28:18Forever, Jack.
01:28:34You're alive.
01:28:36I...
01:28:50What do you mean I'm dead?
01:28:54Oh, no.
01:28:56Take my word for it.
01:28:58Oh, are you just saying that
01:29:00so you can have your wicked way with me?
01:29:02Sharon, if you weren't dead,
01:29:04I wouldn't be able to have my way with you.
01:29:06This is ridiculous.
01:29:18You can't hide from me.
01:29:20I can find you.
01:29:26Just fool me.
01:29:28They're gone.
01:29:30Fire alarm.
01:29:32Malcolm, they're gone.
01:29:34They're not gone.
01:30:00Brother Tony, you forgot your collar.
01:30:02No, he didn't.
01:30:04He threw it away.
01:30:06Didn't you, baby?
01:30:12I'm only human.
01:30:14Thank you.
01:30:16Thank you.
01:30:18Thank you.
01:30:20Thank you.
01:30:22Thank you.
01:30:24Thank you.
01:30:26Thank you.
01:30:28Thank you.
01:30:30Mr. Plunkett, single-handedly,
01:30:32the worst vacation that I've ever experienced in my life.
01:30:34Thank you, Mr. Clare.
01:30:36However, I'll be recommending Castle Plunkett
01:30:38as the most haunted castle in the Western Hemisphere.
01:30:40I hope that helps you with your business.
01:30:42You're too kind.
01:30:44I second that.
01:30:46Most gracious.
01:30:50Bye.
01:30:52See you.
01:30:58They're gone, dear.
01:31:10Come on, Amy.
01:31:12We'll make a nice fish sandwich.
01:31:28I cannot thank you enough, sir, Jack,
01:31:30for deciding to stay.
01:31:32Oh, hey, where am I going to go, right?
01:31:34And listen, Mary,
01:31:36when are you going to stop calling me sir, huh?
01:31:38Sorry, I can't help it.
01:31:40Well, maybe when you decide to marry me.
01:31:42Are you asking?
01:31:44Well, my wife's hardly dead,
01:31:46and it was such a horrible death.
01:31:48Maybe when you decide to marry me.
01:31:50Maybe.
01:31:52Maybe.
01:31:54Maybe.
01:31:56It was such a horrible death.
01:31:58Maybe we could wait a couple of centuries.
01:32:04Hey, hey, hey, hey!
01:32:06We booked the hall till 12. How about a little privacy?
01:32:08The day is for the living, Jack.
01:32:10The night
01:32:12is for the dead.
01:32:14How's the corpse?
01:32:16Pretty good.
01:32:18How's the psycho?
01:32:20So was the trip worth it, Jack?
01:32:22Yeah, yeah. She thinks I'm brilliant.
01:32:24Well, Mary, you've put on a wee bit of flesh
01:32:26since I last saw you.
01:32:28I'm not getting stabbed every night, Denmark.
01:32:30Mary, it hurt me more than it hurt you.
01:32:32Go on, Howard.
01:32:34So, how's the yank?
01:32:36He takes me shopping.
01:32:38Uh-huh. Come here to me.
01:32:40My love, my reason for dying.
01:32:44How'd she ever learn to dance like that?
01:32:46Happiness, sir, Jack.
01:32:50Yeah, happiness.
01:32:54Yeah.
01:33:24Yeah.
01:33:54Yeah.
01:34:24Yeah.
01:34:54Yeah.
01:35:24Yeah.
01:35:26Yeah.
01:35:28Yeah.
01:35:30Yeah.
01:35:32Yeah.
01:35:34Yeah.
01:35:36Yeah.
01:35:38Yeah.
01:35:40Yeah.
01:35:42Yeah.
01:35:44Yeah.
01:35:46Yeah.
01:35:48Yeah.
01:35:50Yeah.
01:35:52Yeah.
01:35:54Yeah.
01:35:56Yeah.
01:35:58Yeah.
01:36:00Yeah.
01:36:02Yeah.
01:36:04Yeah.
01:36:06Yeah.
01:36:08Yeah.
01:36:10Yeah.
01:36:12Yeah.
01:36:14Yeah.
01:36:16Yeah.
01:36:18Yeah.
01:36:20Yeah.
01:36:22Yeah.
01:36:24Yeah.
01:36:26Yeah.
01:36:28Yeah.
01:36:30Yeah.
01:36:32Yeah.
01:36:34Yeah.
01:36:36Yeah.
01:36:38Yeah.
01:36:40Yeah.
01:36:42Yeah.
01:36:44Yeah.
01:36:46Yeah.
01:36:48Yeah.
01:36:50Yeah.
01:36:52Yeah.
01:36:54Yeah.
01:36:56Yeah.
01:36:58Yeah.
01:37:00Yeah.
01:37:02Yeah.
01:37:04Yeah.
01:37:06Yeah.
01:37:08Yeah.
01:37:10Yeah.
01:37:12Yeah.
01:37:14Yeah.
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