Taskmaster NZ S5 Episode 4

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Taskmaster NZ Season 5 Episode 4

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Fun
Transcript
00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Come here, come here.
00:07Take a little tea.
00:08Oh!
00:09Ah!
00:10Ah!
00:11Hee-hee-hee-hee!
00:12Good Okoko card tour, and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name is Jeremy Wells, and it has taken years for me to reach the incredible status
00:45I have today.
00:47I joined the television industry as a task officer, before working my way up to task
00:53lieutenant, then task commander, and task rear admiral, until five years ago, when I
01:01was promoted to the highest rank in New Zealand television.
01:06That's right, I am now the Taskmaster.
01:13Tonight, I will sit in a chair that Caligula would describe as tasteful and understated,
01:19and watch as five comedians perform a series of ridiculous tasks, all in the hopes of winning
01:26this.
01:29A magnificent golden trophy that took three hours to make, and my head was covered in
01:36goo the whole time, and let me be the first to tell you, it was not worth it competing
01:43for this trophy.
01:44Please welcome, Abbey Howells, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sproul, and Tom Sainsbury, and in
01:57lieu of Te Whenga Whipuliai tonight, back again, it's your friend and my colleague,
02:03Matt Heath.
02:08And beside me, as always, is my assistant, he has the gentle energy of someone who is
02:13either never been in a violent situation, or has otherwise committed dozens of murders.
02:20Please, put your hands together for Paul Williams.
02:25Jeremy, I was wondering if before we get started, you could sign my petition.
02:32What's a petition for?
02:34You know when you go to like a sit-down restaurant, and you get a burger?
02:37The burger's too tall.
02:40Like I can't fit it in my mouth, I'm sorry, but if you have to stick a knife down through
02:44it to keep it together, that burger is too tall.
02:47Okay, so you want me to sign something?
02:51Just on that please.
02:52It's a blank piece of paper.
02:53Okay, you got me, I wanted your autograph for my niece.
02:59If you could make it out to her, her name is Paul Williams.
03:04Is that what you want?
03:10Yes, please.
03:11God help me.
03:19Okay, what's our prize task tonight, Paul?
03:22Tonight, we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing that makes you go,
03:28hmm, I don't know about that.
03:32So let's start with Matt.
03:34You are in here as a surrogate for Tofinga.
03:37What have you brought in?
03:38Well, it's something that I've dipped into a couple of times, but it's still quite a
03:42big mystery to me, but it's the woman's reproductive system.
03:50You've only got two children?
03:52Yeah, but I'm not, I can't see in there when that's happening, if you know what I mean.
03:56Tom, do you reckon you can better that?
03:59Look, I found mine at like a market, and I thought, hmm, I don't know about that.
04:03I've named her, I've named her Abby Haley.
04:09Lovely name.
04:10And you might not realise that, but if you peel up her skirts,
04:14you'll find a toilet roll in there.
04:16Wow.
04:17Tom, you can't confuse Matt like this.
04:19Like, pull up the woman's skirt and there's a toilet roll in there?
04:22Yeah, I know.
04:23He already doesn't know.
04:25Is that normal?
04:27Sometimes.
04:33So what's the practical reason for it?
04:36Because are you just keeping your toilet roll warm?
04:39I think it was an idea that seeing a toilet roll was somehow revolting.
04:43It was unseemly.
04:44It was unseemly.
04:45Unsightly.
04:46So that's way more unsightly though, isn't it?
04:48Yeah.
04:49Abby.
04:50Yes?
04:51What's something that you went, hmm, I don't know about that?
04:54Well, I brought in my friend Eric.
04:59And I'm actually here to advocate for him, because initially he'd be like,
05:04oh, I don't know about that, that's a ventriloquist dummy
05:07with a dirty Phantom of the Opera mask on it.
05:10So Eric was actually in my first ever solo stand-up show I did,
05:14and we travelled all over the world together.
05:17Can you do Eric's voice for us?
05:19He was like, hello Abby.
05:22I love women's comedy, I support you so much.
05:27Ben.
05:28So I get motion sickness, I get car sickness,
05:31which we can all agree is both sexy and cool.
05:35So I went on the internet to try and find a cure,
05:38because I'd tried everything.
05:40Oh no.
05:41And I purchased these glasses that you put on.
05:48And they have liquid in them so that you have an equilibrium at all times.
05:53And do they work?
05:55Hmm, I don't know about that.
06:02Hayley, what did you bring in?
06:04I've actually brought in this cuck chair.
06:10Now the winner of tonight's show doesn't get this chair,
06:13but what they do get is to come over to my house,
06:16they can sit in that chair, and then either myself or my partner Aaron
06:20will make love to either someone who wins it,
06:23or their partner or spouse.
06:25Hmm, tell me more.
06:28What a prize that would be, cheapest.
06:31And so we get to see all of these things?
06:33To be honest it's actually open to anyone and everyone watching,
06:36they can come over and sit in my cuck chair.
06:38Okay.
06:39Yourself included Jeremy.
06:40And while there's a lot of motion going on, these have come in handy.
06:43So I'm going to have to score this.
06:45The Abby Hayley, my grandmother actually had one of those,
06:48so I'm quite familiar with them.
06:50So I'm going to give you one point for that,
06:52because I've seen a lot of those.
06:54I'm quite familiar with the female reproductive system myself.
06:57Two points there.
07:00Not only the master of tasks.
07:04Three points for Ben's motion sickness glasses.
07:08Four points, only just as that horrific ventriloquist dummy that came in.
07:13He's an ally Jeremy.
07:15And five points for you Hayley.
07:19Okay, so what is our first proper task Paul?
07:22It's time to bring some order to the chaos.
07:33Hello Tuffinger.
07:34Hello Paul.
07:35Hello.
07:36Hello Abby.
07:37Oh.
07:38Hello Ben.
07:39Hi.
07:40This looks exciting.
07:41What a strange collection of goods.
07:43What a strange collection of goods.
07:46Space these objects out in the right order.
07:49Fastest and most accurate object order wins.
07:53You have ten minutes.
07:54Your time starts now.
07:59The right order for what?
08:01Is this one object?
08:02Mm hmm.
08:03Okay.
08:07Alright, let's get on to it.
08:08Who's ordering are we going to see first?
08:10Up first, it's Ben Hayley and Hurley Sproul.
08:14In the right order.
08:16Just got anything useful in here?
08:18Anna.
08:19Anna.
08:20Anna.
08:21Those are mine.
08:22Yeah.
08:23Property of Paul.
08:24Bit odd.
08:25That's a chocolate bar.
08:27That's a fork.
08:28That's a temperature.
08:29A satin handkerchief.
08:31Venus flytrap.
08:32A plate of soil.
08:33And a shoe with some pita bread.
08:35These don't make a great deal of sense to me.
08:37I'm just going to put it in alphabetical order.
08:39T.
08:40V.
08:41Paul's pervert folder.
08:42P.
08:43There we go.
08:44It's not correct.
08:45It's not correct.
08:46Is it the story of man?
08:47The sun started it all, didn't it?
08:49And that's sort of a temperature there.
08:51So you've walked to get some bread,
08:53and you've eaten the bread, and that's your dessert.
08:55Boom!
08:56Earth sprung life,
08:58and then we sort of evolved from life to man.
09:02Then man was like,
09:04whoa, bloody hungry.
09:07So he learned how to eat.
09:09And then on the way home,
09:10you see a nice Venus flytrap.
09:12Then it's its story of how it eats.
09:15Okay, so that's kind of setting up the sequel.
09:17Yeah, the sequel, yeah.
09:18Got you.
09:19Well, it's not that.
09:20This one, bless you.
09:23Are you allergic to the plants, maybe?
09:25I'm allergic to your bullshit.
09:27What?
09:28Sorry.
09:29Sorry about that.
09:31Maybe it's just size.
09:34Yep.
09:35No, sorry.
09:36Oh, not again.
09:37Is that the order?
09:38That's not the order.
09:39Is that the order?
09:40That's not the order.
09:41Is that the order?
09:42That's not the order.
09:47It's hard to tell what the order is there.
09:49Do you know what?
09:50I give up.
09:51I'm just going to enjoy myself for 20 seconds.
09:55You've got one minute and seven seconds.
09:58Did you put that in the dirt?
10:01Yep.
10:03Alright.
10:04Thank you, Ben.
10:05Thank you, bro.
10:06Okay, Paul.
10:07Well, before we go on, I think we probably need to address your swearing, your rudeness
10:15towards Hayley.
10:16Would you like to apologise to Hayley for that?
10:18I'm sorry, Hayley.
10:20I will say, I knew that as soon as she agreed to come on the show that I was going to have
10:25allergy flare-ups.
10:28Because I am legit allergic to her bullshit.
10:33Stool bamboozled by that, by the way.
10:34I have no idea.
10:35Do you know what?
10:36I don't want any points.
10:37That task was dumb.
10:39Alright, stop everything.
10:41It's time to go to an ad break and sell some stuff.
10:44Why not entertain yourself by putting all the products in order from most to least evil?
10:49We'll see you soon.
10:51Kia ora koutou and welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:05Before the break, we were watching comedians attempt to put eight objects in a specific
11:10order because it's season five and we're running out of ideas.
11:15Who's up next, Paul?
11:17Let me put this sentence in alphabetical order.
11:20Abbey and Howells, it's Sainsbury Tom.
11:26Anna Nicole, Anna Paquin, Anna, Anna, um...
11:31Anna's, these are all Anna's.
11:34They're mine.
11:35I love my Anna's.
11:37No, they're not your Anna's.
11:38They were your Anna's.
11:40My apologies.
11:41Peter Shoe, Peter Pan, Peter...
11:43Oh, and there's a foot in the waste paper basket.
11:47Blue toe.
11:48You don't need to put that in.
11:49I don't need to?
11:50No, that's just rubbish.
11:51That's nothing.
11:52Okay.
11:53Sainsbury, brain, don't fail me now.
11:56Blue toe.
11:58So, Snickers.
11:59Was that a Mars?
12:00Can I just check?
12:01Is it a Mars?
12:02I'm not familiar with these.
12:03It's a Mars.
12:07They're the planets.
12:09Pluto's not a planet anymore.
12:11Venus, okay, I've got it.
12:14Autism rules.
12:17Recognition.
12:20My man.
12:21Okay, Mercury, Venus, Earth.
12:26We've got Mars and we've got Venus.
12:28Mars.
12:30Jupiter, Jupiter.
12:32Shoe-pitter.
12:35Saturn, this is Saturn.
12:38Um, Neptune, it's like a tuning fork.
12:42It's Neptune, it's his trident.
12:45Uranus, Uranus.
12:51Stop the clock.
12:52Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.
12:58Pluto.
12:59I feel alive, I feel electric.
13:09Well, first off, Abby, congratulations on the autism.
13:13Thank you so much.
13:15It's an honour and a privilege.
13:17That was really good.
13:18This all makes me think maybe I need to get tested.
13:23That was the test.
13:26Congratulations, you're in the club.
13:28Oh my God, yay.
13:30Don't look me in the eyes.
13:34How did watching that make you guys feel?
13:38Just real dumb.
13:41Yeah, pretty dumb.
13:43On the bright side, I don't have to wear headphones at concerts.
13:49Jesus Christ.
13:53I went to a concert and I did wear some headphones.
13:57And I remember thinking, Abby, everyone thinks I look real cool.
14:02OK, by my calculations, we've still got one comedian left, Paul.
14:07Correct, Jeremy.
14:08And even if you're terrible at putting things in order,
14:10I'm sure you can probably guess who's coming up next.
14:13It's Taufinga.
14:16What's her name again?
14:18Hannah Paquin.
14:20Why have you got all these pictures of her?
14:22Those are my Annas.
14:23Your Annas?
14:24Yeah.
14:27OK.
14:28What sort of plant is this?
14:29It's a Venus flytrap.
14:30A what?
14:31Venus flytrap.
14:32A Venus flytrap?
14:34It traps flies.
14:36Just flies?
14:37Why are you asking?
14:39I was wondering if you wanted a trap and a paquin.
14:42A fork.
14:43Oh.
14:44Now I know why the fork's there.
14:46Why?
14:47Because I'm wondering what the fork this is all about now.
14:50Are you enjoying this one?
14:52It's probably my favourite task of all time.
14:55I just wish I had my family here.
14:57Just the one to sit.
14:58You've got four minutes and 22 seconds.
15:00Thank you, Paul.
15:01It's really helping me.
15:03It's OK.
15:07It might help me think.
15:09It does still need to be in the order, though.
15:11Oh, yeah.
15:12I'll leave a little bit.
15:14I just have to get the order right.
15:16It doesn't have to explain what it's supposed to mean, eh?
15:18Yeah.
15:20That is not the correct order.
15:23That's not right.
15:25That's not right, but you're not that far off.
15:28Not that far off.
15:31WHISTLE BLOWS
15:32It's quite a stinky task.
15:34OK.
15:35There's ten minutes I can't get back in my life, Paul.
15:38I've got to spend that with my kids,
15:40doing their maths homework,
15:42telling them a story before they go to bed.
15:44But you ask me, come here, do this.
15:49Thanks, Paul.
15:50Thank you, Tofinga.
15:56OK, Paul.
15:57Would you like to publicly apologise to Tofinga
16:00for taking him away from his kids?
16:03Sorry, Tofinga.
16:04That's a heartfelt apology.
16:05Yeah.
16:07Achoo!
16:11Sorry.
16:12Having a flare-off.
16:16Matt, would you like to explain whether or not
16:19you thought Tofinga was being sarcastic when he said that he...
16:22No, no, he wasn't,
16:24and we at Team Tofinga, we don't approve of that task.
16:28I don't think we even want to be part of that order.
16:31Sorry, well, I'm joining in on that.
16:33We don't approve, I think.
16:34Actually, yeah.
16:35We actually might just boycott that, you know?
16:37And I think, like, we're a majority now,
16:39so I reckon that task gets stricken from the record.
16:41Yeah.
16:42I mean, I think, luckily, you aren't a part of it
16:44cos you get no points at all, so I think that's fine.
16:47Yeah, well, no, but we still...
16:48You're not not giving us no points.
16:50We're not taking the points.
16:52We don't want your points.
16:53We don't want your points.
16:54Oh, so if I gave you points, you wouldn't take them?
16:57Well, how many are you offering?
17:00How are we going to divvy up the points, Paul?
17:02So it was timed.
17:03Tom and Abbey, the only two to successfully order the items.
17:07Tom in 8 minutes and 54 seconds.
17:10Abbey in 4 minutes and 10 seconds.
17:16That's impressive.
17:19So how would you like to score it?
17:20Probably a 4 and a 5.
17:22So 4 for Tom.
17:23Yeah.
17:24And 5 points for Abbey Howells.
17:27It's only fair.
17:28OK, so where does that leave the episode score so far, Paul?
17:32Out in first with 9 points, Abbey Howells.
17:39All right, Paul, these tasks are just like a potato snack
17:42that I'm not allowed to name.
17:44I have popped and I cannot stop.
17:46Give me another one, please.
17:47It's another team task,
17:49and it's time for a good old-fashioned boxing match.
17:53Oh, wow. OK.
17:56Hey, Paul.
17:57Oh, my God, this is exciting.
17:59Kia ora, Paulie.
18:00You go, mate.
18:03OK, build the tallest skyscraper out of the boxes
18:06without leaving your designated areas.
18:09One person will build, the other two will supply boxes.
18:13OK, Abbey Howells, you're up.
18:15OK, Abbey Howells, you're up.
18:17OK, Abbey Howells, you're up.
18:19OK, Abbey Howells, you're up.
18:22The supplier may request a box by asking Paul for it by number.
18:27That supplier must do an impression...
18:29..of the person written on the box.
18:32..if the builder guesses the impression correctly.
18:35The supplier may supply it.
18:37The builder may not request a new box...
18:40..until the last impression has been guessed.
18:43If you cheat, Paul will knock over your skyscraper
18:47and you must start again.
18:48Tallest skyscraper wins.
18:50You have one minute to discuss your roles
18:53and 15 minutes to build.
18:55Your time starts now.
18:56I reckon you be the impressionist.
18:57And you be the builder?
18:58Mm.
18:59You want me to be the builder?
19:00Yeah, you be the builder.
19:01I'm confident to be in here.
19:02Yeah, I trust you.
19:03OK, and we'll do the impressions.
19:05Yeah. Oh, boy.
19:06APPLAUSE
19:09How quick was Ben Hurley to say,
19:12right, Hayley, you do the acting and I'm going to do the building.
19:15Building's for boys, acting's for girls.
19:17Did you know Hayley spent $38,000 on an acting degree
19:21that she's never used?
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24All right, who's first?
19:25It's the team of three.
19:27Supplier's ready.
19:28We're ready.
19:29Builder.
19:30Builder ready.
19:31Ready.
19:32WHISTLE BLOWS
19:33Let's go for number 29.
19:36Right, a beautiful house out of gingerbread.
19:40Oh, the witch from Hansel and Gretel.
19:42Yes!
19:43You got it.
19:44Go, go, go, go!
19:45Number 45.
19:48I'm a bit of a star man, you might say.
19:51Oh, David Bowie.
19:52Yeah!
19:53Yeah!
19:54You do one.
19:55WHISTLE BLOWS
19:56I'm Norman Bates.
19:57WHISTLE BLOWS
19:58WHISTLE BLOWS
19:59I'm Hitchcock.
20:00WHISTLE BLOWS
20:01Oh, his mother.
20:02WHISTLE BLOWS
20:03No.
20:04WHISTLE BLOWS
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06You're holding a knife.
20:07From?
20:08Psycho.
20:09Yeah!
20:10Knife from Psycho.
20:11Yeah!
20:12That's not a character!
20:13Let's go for 53.
20:14Marilyn Monroe.
20:15I'm chocolate.
20:16I melt in the mouth, not in the hand.
20:19You're the green M&M.
20:20Yeah!
20:21Correct.
20:22You go for it.
20:23Number four.
20:24I don't even know who this is.
20:26Should we just say his name so we can go on to the next one?
20:28Yeah.
20:29Ernest Rutherford.
20:30BUZZER
20:32Oh, no!
20:33Oh, no!
20:34I'm so sorry.
20:3514.
20:36Yes.
20:37Please be easy.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:40Oh, I really love doing magic.
20:42Harry Potter's.
20:44Oh, Daniel Radcliffe?
20:45Different character.
20:46Oh, it's a different character.
20:48Oh, gosh.
20:49I don't even watch Harry Potter.
20:50I'm sitting on my.
20:52Chair?
20:53Seat?
20:54Ass.
20:55Not the top, but the.
20:57Bottom.
20:58Neville Longbottom.
20:59Yeah!
21:01Number six.
21:02I'm American and I love to fly jet planes.
21:06Tom Cruise.
21:07Yeah!
21:08Wait.
21:09Tom Cruise and Top Gun?
21:10Yeah!
21:11Correct.
21:12Number one.
21:13Can we have number ten, please?
21:14That's hard.
21:15Yeah.
21:16Apparel Paris Hilton?
21:17Yes!
21:18Number nine.
21:20Argh!
21:21Many millions of years ago.
21:22Yes, this is good.
21:23You're a dinosaur?
21:24Yep.
21:25Are you a species of dinosaur?
21:26Yes.
21:27A Lysoraptor?
21:28Correct.
21:29Yes, yes, that's right.
21:30One minute left.
21:31I've only told them to blow the bloody doors off.
21:32Five seconds.
21:33Sons of a tangerine.
21:34Oh.
21:35Oh.
21:36Oh.
21:37Oh.
21:38Oh.
21:39Oh.
21:40Oh.
21:41Oh.
21:42Oh, gross.
21:44What have you done?
21:45Three.
21:46Two.
21:47Chuck.
21:50Oh.
21:53Oh, Tom.
21:56Tom, you had to just chuck another box on there at the end didn't you?
21:59I know.
22:00We did.
22:01I don't know if you noticed in our tarts, whenever I would get someone, it would be
22:04like Michael Caine for someone easy.
22:06And Torfinga was getting the knife from Succo.
22:08Sucker.
22:09And Ernest Rutherford.
22:10Once again, Team Twofinger's doing all the hard work.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Yeah, but did you like Twofinger's strategy, which was, if Tom couldn't guess it, he'd
22:17just continue doing the same thing.
22:20It worked.
22:21And it worked.
22:22It worked.
22:23Should we see other team, or should I tell you how tall their tower was?
22:24I think you should tell us how tall their tower was.
22:2878 centimetres.
22:29Not bad.
22:30Hard to beat.
22:31That's pathetic.
22:32All right, stop everything, let's do your best impression of a good consumer, and watch
22:37these ads.
22:38We'll see you straight after the break.
22:52Nau mai, hoki mai, welcome back to Taskmaster.
22:54Who have we got next, Paul?
22:56It's time to see the acting skills of a drama school graduate, and the building skills of
23:01a Ben Hurley.
23:03It's Hayley and Ben.
23:047, 24, or 50?
23:057.
23:06Let's go 7.
23:077.
23:09OK.
23:10Oh.
23:11Psycho.
23:12Knife.
23:13Alfred Hitchcock.
23:14What is the thing that's in my hand?
23:15It's a knife.
23:16From?
23:17Psycho.
23:18The knife from Psycho?
23:19Was it?
23:20Yeah.
23:21Oh, right, so it's not just people.
23:22OK.
23:23Ooh, Merry Christmas.
23:24Oh, Ebenezer Scrooge.
23:25Ooh.
23:26You're the ghost of Christmas past.
23:27Not the past.
23:28You're a ghost of Christmas future.
23:29Yeah.
23:30OK.
23:31OK.
23:32OK.
23:33OK.
23:34OK.
23:35OK.
23:36OK.
23:37Oh.
23:38OK.
23:39OK.
23:40Oh.
23:41OK.
23:42OK.
23:43Oh.
23:44OK.
23:45OK.
23:46Oh.
23:47OK.
23:48Oh.
23:49OK.
23:50OK.
23:51OK.
23:52Oh.
23:53OK.
23:54OK.
23:55OK.
23:56Beware of names.
23:57MERRY CHRISTMAS
23:59Ooh, hello everybody.
24:00Queen Elizabeth II.
24:01Or?
24:02Queen Elizabeth I.
24:03We are brothers, and we learn to fly the first.
24:04Oh, the Wright Brothers.
24:05Which ones?
24:06I'm an American actress.
24:08You are, um...
24:09And I play a...
24:10You're a Jerry Maguire?
24:11Yes.
24:12Yes.
24:13Yes.
24:14I play a British journalist.
24:15Yes, yes.
24:16I got big and then I get skinny.
24:17You're Bridget Jones.
24:18And you're in the one about the Civil War.
24:19Yeah.
24:20And what is your name?
24:21I look like I've sucked on a lemon.
24:22Yeah, yeah.
24:23I know exactly who you mean.
24:24I can't think of a name.
24:25Renee Zellweger.
24:26Oh, man.
24:27Oh, come on.
24:28Come on.
24:29Okay, pick a number.
24:30Come on, come on.
24:31Why?
24:32No, no, no.
24:33Bottom one.
24:34The bottom one.
24:35The bottom one.
24:36Oh, God.
24:37What is happening?
24:38Right, what's the deal with, like, crazy people these days?
24:42Isha Carson.
24:43Yes.
24:44Yes.
24:45Look at how the eagle flies.
24:46David Attenborough.
24:47Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
24:48You are Dame Julie Andrews.
24:49Real famous, little chocolate button.
24:50You're a green M&M.
24:51I'm going to write a play thou doth not know.
24:52Oh, William Shakespeare.
24:53Oh, well, one for the money.
24:54Elvis Presley.
24:55Here you go.
24:5620 seconds.
24:57Oh!
24:58Yes!
24:59Yes!
25:00Yes!
25:01Yes!
25:02Yes!
25:03Yes!
25:04Yes!
25:06Yes!
25:0720 seconds.
25:08You're so good.
25:09You're so good.
25:10That was really good.
25:11You're so good.
25:12Woo!
25:17Such positive affirmation in your team.
25:20It's not often I say this, Hayley, but that drama degree really came in handy.
25:25That is $38,000 before your very eyes, Jeremy.
25:29Congratulations on knowing the Wright brothers' name.
25:32I mean, that was good.
25:34Orville and Wilbur?
25:36Yeah.
25:37That was good.
25:38Hey.
25:39But you could tell I was doing Orville.
25:41Yeah, totally.
25:42You got it straight away.
25:43The performance gave Orville.
25:44I was like, I know Wilbur.
25:45My Wilbur sits more back here, like this.
25:48Orville's more front leading, like that.
25:51How high was Hayley and Ben's tower?
25:55The height to beat was 78 centimetres.
25:58Theirs was 287 centimetres.
26:02Hi.
26:03Hi.
26:05So in terms of scoring, five points presumably for the team of two.
26:08How many for the team of three?
26:10Oh, that's a good question.
26:11Tom, Abby and Tofinga should get two.
26:14Two points.
26:15I think that's fair.
26:16Yeah, that is fair.
26:18And you know what?
26:19I'm going to take part in this task as opposed to the other one.
26:22Oh, was that not clear?
26:23I've opted back in as well.
26:24Yeah, I'll back in.
26:25Yeah.
26:26Right, time for another task.
26:27Paul, what have you got in store for us?
26:28Get your backpacks off and get your books out.
26:31School is in session.
26:43Hello, Ben.
26:44Hi, Paul.
26:45Hello, Paul.
26:46Hello, Abby.
26:47Hello, Hayley.
26:48Hi.
26:49Hi, Paul.
26:52My favourite.
26:53What's your favourite?
26:54Apples.
26:55Apple.
26:56Oh, were you saying hey Paul or apple?
26:59It's hey Paul or apple.
27:00Oh, OK.
27:01Apple.
27:02Hello.
27:03All right, what are we in for now?
27:08Teach Paul a lesson.
27:10This lesson wins.
27:12You have 30 minutes.
27:14Your time starts, as always, now.
27:23Seems pretty simple.
27:25Teach Paul a lesson.
27:28You know, Paul doesn't really know that much, so it's not hard, surely.
27:32OK.
27:33For first period, we've got Mr Hurley and Mr Sainsbury.
27:39What if I taught you every New Zealand Prime Minister since 1935 in order?
27:43That would be pretty good.
27:45What one can you name?
27:46Bill English.
27:47Good.
27:48Obviously.
27:49Obviously.
27:50I'm wondering if I can do the scattergun effect, if I try and teach you many lessons.
27:53Like quantity over quality.
27:55Yeah.
27:56Because I'm a cool teacher, I'm going to sit in my chair like this.
28:01Very cool.
28:02First up, we've got biology.
28:04Did you know that seagulls, to every 8 male chicks that are hatched, 10 female chicks are hatched?
28:10And 14% of seagulls are exclusively lesbian.
28:13Did you know that?
28:14No.
28:15Michael Joseph Savage becomes the first Labour Prime Minister.
28:18Peter Fraser, now he was our wartime Prime Minister.
28:22And we had Mike Moore.
28:25Do you like using a megaphone, or do you like using a Mike Moore?
28:31When it is the verb, you stress the second syllable.
28:35When it is the noun, you stress the first syllable.
28:38Here's an object.
28:39But I object.
28:41We had Chippy Hippy.
28:43That's what I'm going to call him.
28:44Because I think that adds some fun to the lesson.
28:46So when I'm handing you a gift, it is a...
28:49Present.
28:50No.
28:51It's a...
28:52Present.
28:53Sorry, I thought you were presenting me.
28:55Oh, sorry.
28:56With a gift.
28:57You get it, there's English.
28:58There's probably not a great mnemonic here, is there?
29:00Mary Poppins said...
29:02Wait, children.
29:04Jumping never works.
29:07Would also maybe help if you came up with a story that sort of involved their names.
29:11I mean, that's how I remember it.
29:13What's your story?
29:14Well, just the story of New Zealand history.
29:17Oh, OK.
29:18They're like, Christ has risen again.
29:20And Thomas was like, I don't believe that.
29:23And then from then on, he was known as Thomas the Doubter.
29:26Oh, wow.
29:27I know.
29:28OK, that's your religious instruction.
29:29What else am I missing?
29:30Mary.
29:31Mary.
29:32Poppins said, wait, children, spelt with a K.
29:36Jumping never works.
29:39History.
29:40OK.
29:41Do you know the most common female name in the 1950s?
29:44Anne.
29:45Close.
29:46Anna.
29:47It wasn't close.
29:48Oh.
29:49It begins with N.
29:50Mary.
29:51Mary.
29:52Do you know what the least common name was in the 1950s?
29:55Adolph.
29:58You still don't meet many Adolphs.
30:00No.
30:01Jumping, Jax, Hate, Jumping, Bill English, Jacinda Ardern, Chris Hipkins, Chris Luxon.
30:12Well done.
30:13Some important lessons learned there.
30:20So Ben taught you the New Zealand Prime Ministers from the Second World War.
30:25Correct.
30:26Can you list them in order now?
30:32Hey, hey, the task is not teach Paul a lesson and have him retain it for three months.
30:38That's true.
30:39Tom.
30:40Yes.
30:41You were teaching a different type of curriculum.
30:44I did everything.
30:45Something else about seagulls is that they live to...
30:49I'm feeling like I'm more and more Abbey Howells at every moment.
30:54There is a species of seagulls that live to 45.
30:57So you might be walking around with a seagull that's like,
31:00get out of my way, and it's 45 years old.
31:02Yeah.
31:03Wow.
31:04For a while there you pivoted into religious studies.
31:06I did.
31:07Well, you know, there was a Catholic school, wasn't it, Claire,
31:10that overlord you overlooking everything.
31:14Maybe one day you'll be crucified, Jeremy.
31:18One can only hope, Abbey.
31:20One can only hope.
31:21Save us from our sins.
31:22Exactly.
31:23That's enough learning for now.
31:24It's time to soften your brain with the soothing power of unskippable ads.
31:29We'll see you after that.
31:41Welcome back to Taskmaster,
31:44where five comedians are trying to win a haunted puppet from Abbey
31:48that will definitely kill them in their sleep.
31:51Where were we, Paul?
31:53Our five contestants were attempting to teach me a lesson.
31:56So far, Ben has taught me every New Zealand Prime Minister
31:59since World War II,
32:00and Tom Sainsbury has taught me which seagulls are gay.
32:05For second period, we've got Miss Sproul and Mr Fipuliai.
32:11Can I have a bite?
32:13You can have several.
32:14OK.
32:16I'm going to teach you a small marching routine,
32:19which you will then perform.
32:22I'm actually allergic to apples.
32:24Um...
32:25How allergic?
32:26I'll be fine.
32:27I've got a bit of an itchy throat.
32:28I'll teach you to make a cup of tea.
32:30Do you know how to make a cup of tea?
32:31Not really.
32:33We'll go to the kitchen and I'll teach you.
32:34That's a lesson, eh?
32:36Are you sure you should keep eating that?
32:38You're allergic.
32:39A little bit.
32:40OK.
32:41I have allergies, too.
32:42Well, you're allergic, too.
32:43I'm allergic to your bullshit.
32:47Now that we've got water in here, what do you do?
32:49Turn it on.
32:50Yeah, that's the one.
32:52Now, while we're waiting for the hot water,
32:54what we usually do is we learn a dance or a song.
32:57OK.
32:58Stand and up, stand and down.
33:03Why have your head down?
33:04I thought that's what you did.
33:05No, no.
33:06And then I say,
33:08and you go,
33:11Yeah, but you have to move your hips as well.
33:14Stand and down.
33:16No, don't do the head.
33:17I'm looking at your feet.
33:18My head just naturally wants to go down.
33:20It just feels more respectful.
33:22To whom?
33:23Who are you bowing to?
33:25The troops.
33:26Just pour it into a cup.
33:27About three quarters.
33:29There's your cup of tea.
33:30That's us, Paul.
33:32You don't want to do any more?
33:33Nah.
33:36Ready?
33:37Stand at ease.
33:39Stand and up, stand and down.
33:42Head up.
33:43Attention.
33:44Stand and up, stand and down.
33:47Quick.
33:48March and
33:49one, two, three, four.
33:51In and
33:52one, two, three, four.
33:54In and
33:55one, two, three, four.
33:57In.
33:58Left.
33:59March and
34:00one, two, and three, four.
34:04And in.
34:05And salute.
34:06And up.
34:07Two, three, down.
34:11I think that's a really good start.
34:13Chicken noodle tea.
34:14Chicken noodle tea.
34:15A kikipopo kikipopo.
34:17A rumpa pachi.
34:18A rumpa pachi.
34:19A kikipopo kikipopo.
34:20A shimmy shimmy seh.
34:21A shimmy shimmy seh.
34:22A willy willy mitty.
34:23A willy willy mitty.
34:24Viva, viva, hey.
34:26Suana papanana.
34:28Suana papanana.
34:29Suana papanana.
34:30Suana.
34:31Suana.
34:32Suana.
34:33Banana.
34:34Suana.
34:35Suana.
34:36Suana.
34:37Banana.
34:38If you want it.
34:39Throw it outside.
34:40If you want it.
34:41Throw it outside.
34:42Throw it outside.
34:43Throw it outside.
34:44Yee-hoo.
34:45Yee-hoo.
34:46Aye.
34:47My man.
34:53Matt, as Tuffing is surrogate tonight.
34:56Yes, we're very happy with that.
34:59How much of Tuffing's dance was culturally appropriate there,
35:03with your knowledge of Samoan dance?
35:05120%.
35:06Wow.
35:07The kikipopo kikipopo, you got that down, didn't you?
35:10Yeah.
35:11Have you retained the dance?
35:13I think if he led me, I might be able to.
35:15Go on, Matt.
35:16Are you able to fulfil that role?
35:19Suana pop banana, I remember that bit.
35:21It was the kikipopo kikipopo.
35:23I don't think that's quite right.
35:25It was definitely if you don't want it, throw it outside.
35:27That's right.
35:28Which is a good lesson for anyone.
35:31True.
35:32Hayley, were you impressed?
35:34Paul's dancing was quite good.
35:35Where did you learn...
35:36Sorry, sorry.
35:37Dancing, Jeremy?
35:40Marching is a sport.
35:42It's sort of like dressage for people.
35:47When did you do marching?
35:49Still.
35:50You march now?
35:51Yeah.
35:52I've marched since I was eight years old and I'm 34.
35:54Why?
35:56It's a good question.
35:58How many people are you rustling up for your marching?
36:00Is it just you?
36:01No, no, it's a team.
36:02There's a team?
36:03In a technical block, there's ten.
36:05Impressive, and you can get ten people together to do that?
36:07We'll get hundreds.
36:09OK, Paul, I'm ready for another lesson.
36:11Who have we got next?
36:12Last, but academically not least, it's Dr Howells.
36:17Stop right there!
36:20Before you pass, you must answer my question three.
36:25OK.
36:26Is your name Paul?
36:29Yes.
36:30Do you like to party?
36:33Yeah.
36:34Do you think I'm beautiful?
36:39Yes.
36:41Oh!
36:44Thank you, Paul, you have freed me,
36:47because you can see that I was beautiful on the inside,
36:51and that's what matters.
36:54OK.
36:55Telling the truth serves a lot of good, doesn't it?
36:58I will say that.
37:07How was it?
37:08I will say, like, when you had the mask on,
37:10I felt like I was lying when I said yes.
37:12Yeah, I kind of hoped that you would say...
37:15But the magic still worked anyway.
37:17OK.
37:18Yeah.
37:19And it's important to be kind and respectful.
37:23OK?
37:24Because you don't know what people are going through.
37:26Thank you for saving me.
37:28No worries.
37:31Okay, Abbey, so just quickly clarify the lesson that you were teaching Paul there.
37:43It was through not lying that he found my hair in a beauty.
37:49But he did.
37:50But he didn't lie.
37:51He did lie.
37:52I did lie.
37:53That mask was, I'd say, objectively ugly.
37:58I think probably the lesson he learned was kindness always pays off.
38:02I think I did learn that if you're going to hurt someone's feelings, lie.
38:07And why are we vilifying the ugly version of Abbey?
38:10Like why is she bad?
38:11Well that's another lesson.
38:12Hey, this is the thing.
38:13The actual thing that we watched, there was no lesson.
38:16No.
38:17All right?
38:18Let's just be clear about that.
38:19There was no lesson.
38:20I'm hearing nothing but lessons.
38:21There was no lesson.
38:23I will say I did learn the lesson that ugly people are gross.
38:28Yes.
38:30And should be avoided.
38:31Yes.
38:32Okay, I have to score this.
38:36One point for Abbey, because there was no lesson, okay?
38:40It was teach Paul a lesson and there was no lesson.
38:43I enjoyed it, but there was no lesson.
38:45I don't think you did.
38:46You're fired up, mate.
38:47I loved it.
38:50It's true.
38:51This is literally the shittiest we've seen him all season.
38:56Two points for Hayley, because there was one lesson that was taught and it was the marching.
39:00Tofinga ended up teaching Paul two lessons, well one and a half really, so I'll give him
39:06three points.
39:07Tom taught Paul some lessons, but he didn't testimony in any of the lessons, so none of
39:14it went in, whereas I thought, Ben, actually you should get five points, because you taught
39:20Paul a lesson and he remembered it at the time, even though now he doesn't.
39:22Totally.
39:23Yes.
39:25Thanks, guys.
39:26So that does it for part four.
39:27It's time for you to watch some videos that all have the same important lesson.
39:32It's good to buy stuff.
39:33We'll see you after the break.
39:47Welcome back to Taskmaster, you cheapy rascals.
39:49Now, if you're just joining us, you have really screwed up your timing, because we're nearly
39:53at the end of the episode.
39:55We have just got the live task to go, but before we get to that, can I have a score
40:00update, please, Paul?
40:01It's extremely tight, but out in front on 13, it's Ben Hurley.
40:04Oh, alright.
40:05Okay, oh.
40:06I've never been out in front.
40:07It's anyone's episode.
40:08Alright, you guys, please head up to the stage for the final task of the show.
40:17Okay, Paul, who's reading out the task tonight?
40:21Ben Hurley will read the task.
40:22Sure.
40:24Write down the name of an animal, vegetable or vehicle and hand it to Paul.
40:34Thank you, Tom.
40:35Thank you, Matt.
40:36Thank you, Hayley.
40:37You're welcome.
40:38Thank you, Ben.
40:39Thank you, Abby.
40:41There's a second task.
40:42Yeah.
40:43Using the canvas behind you, communicate to the Taskmaster what your animal, vegetable
40:48or vehicle is.
40:49You may now turn around while working on your canvas.
40:52You may not tamper with your backpack.
40:54When you are ready for the Taskmaster to guess, stand next to your canvas.
40:58If he guesses wrong, you may alter your canvas and try again.
41:02Fastest correctly guessed animal, vegetable or vehicle wins.
41:07Oh, dear.
41:10You each have a mirror.
41:11Are you ready?
41:12Yeah.
41:13Yeah, man.
41:20A carrot.
41:21Yes!
41:22Correct.
41:31Jeremy.
41:32A pig.
41:33And Matt's?
41:36A turnip.
41:37Incorrect.
41:38Close.
41:39Jeremy.
41:40A diplodocus.
41:41That is not correct.
41:43Ben's a turtle.
41:44Incorrect.
41:45Ben's a turtle.
41:46Ben's a turtle.
41:47Ben's a turtle.
41:48Ben's a turtle.
41:50Correct.
41:52Koala.
41:53Correct.
41:54Correct.
42:01A chicken.
42:02That is incorrect.
42:05Matt's done a Jackson Pollock.
42:08It's a cat.
42:09Incorrect.
42:10Don't give up, Abby.
42:13Oh, an aeroplane.
42:16Matt, is that...
42:17Do you want to guess?
42:18I'm just trying to actually ascertain the best way forward here.
42:21OK.
42:22Maybe if they each tell me either it's an animal or a vegetable or a vehicle.
42:28Abby?
42:29It's an animal.
42:30OK, that's not helping.
42:32Matt?
42:33It's a vegetable.
42:38Abby, is yours an albatross?
42:40No.
42:41Matt, is yours a cauliflower?
42:43No.
42:44OK, they can do one pose.
42:47WHISTLE
42:51OK, you must be a radish.
42:53Incorrect.
42:54And Abby's?
42:55Horse.
42:56OK.
42:58Pony.
42:59Matt?
43:00A carrot.
43:01Yes!
43:02Correct.
43:03What the hell is this?
43:04You should have just pointed it there.
43:06So, the artwork's...
43:07Carrot.
43:08Carrot.
43:09Koala.
43:10Turtle.
43:11Shetland pony.
43:13Oh, no!
43:16OK, come on down and we'll judge it.
43:26Oh, Jesus!
43:28Welcome on.
43:30So, based on the order that Jeremy guessed the pictures,
43:33we get one point for Abby, two points for Tofinga,
43:36three points for Hayley, four points for Ben
43:38and five points for the King of Carrots, Tom Sainsbury.
43:42Right.
43:43So, what does that mean for our episode?
43:45It means that the winner of episode four with 17 points
43:49is Ben Hurley!
43:51There we go!
43:52Ben, congratulations on winning five things that make you go,
43:56hmm, I don't know about that.
43:58Arguably one of the worst selection of prizes
44:00we've ever had on this show.
44:02Please go and collect them on stage.
44:08That's the end of episode four.
44:10That's the end of episode four.
44:12And what have we learnt?
44:13We've learnt that if you meet a man with a creepy folder
44:16full of pictures of women,
44:18it's most likely to do with the solar system.
44:21We've learnt that if you meet an old witch in the forest,
44:24either tell her she's ugly or don't,
44:26it will work out fine either way.
44:30But most importantly,
44:31we've learnt that the winner of this episode is Ben Hurley!
44:37We can't wait to see you back here next week,
44:39Ka kite anō!
44:40Goodnight.
44:58It's time to party hard!
45:01Hello.
45:02I don't like organised fun.
45:04What do you call this?
45:05My job.
45:06You're going to rule, doggo.
45:07Cool.
45:08You look psychotic.
45:10There's a little bit of six in the old dog, yeah.