3rd Rock from The Sun 2x06 - Dick the Vote
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00:00Oh, I love these Saturdays in the park.
00:05The soft grass, the chirping birds, the eyewitness news team.
00:09Save the park! Save the park! Save the park! Save the park!
00:12Kind of makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs like those people.
00:15Let's sit over there!
00:17No! I prefer this table! It's in the shade!
00:20And look, a butterfly!
00:22Hey, look, Sally! A girlfriend!
00:25It's all right. It's all right.
00:27A word to the wise. There's trouble in the park today.
00:30Trouble? Uh-oh. I better take care of my baby.
00:33What is it?
00:34Sometimes a wrinkle runs through the city,
00:36and it rears up on its haunches like an ugly monkey ready to strike.
00:41Ron, you always have your finger up the pulse of danger.
00:49Save the park! Save the park! Save the park! Save the park!
00:53Save the park! Save the park! Save the park!
00:55Hey, man! You want to sign this petition?
00:57The town's going to destroy Bates Park!
00:59Uh, maybe in a little while.
01:02There's no time. The dozers are on their way.
01:04Okay. I've chained myself to the tree.
01:08Oh, Jim!
01:09Sir, sir, excuse me.
01:11Is it true you've chained yourself to that tree?
01:14Yes. That's exactly what I've done.
01:16So you won't free yourself, even though the city bulldozers are on their way?
01:20No, I cannot do that.
01:24He may be an organized protester.
01:26He may be a rogue mountain man.
01:28But one thing's for sure. He may be a hero.
01:31We got it.
01:54Come on! Hurry!
01:56Come on! It's on the right channel!
01:58Some of the stories we're tracking at this hour,
02:00a fire breaks out in a nursing home.
02:02Ooh!
02:03A search for survivors continues at the Parma Heights mudslide.
02:06And in our science watch, a vet performs an operation
02:09that allows a cat to smile for the first time.
02:12Oh!
02:13Oh!
02:14Oh!
02:15Oh!
02:16Oh!
02:17Oh!
02:18Oh!
02:19Oh!
02:20Oh!
02:21Oh!
02:22And a cat smiles for the first time.
02:24Aw!
02:25That's the happiest cat in the world!
02:28But tonight's top story... a protest in Bates Park.
02:30Whoa! Look! I'm on TV!
02:31You're wearing my shirt! My shirt's on television!
02:37Hello?
02:39Yes, Harry Salomon lives here.
02:42Okay, hold on.
02:44Harry has a phone call.
02:47A phone call. My first phone call. How do I look?
02:57You look fine. Hello?
03:02Uh-huh. Okay. Well, I'll have to talk it over with my family. Okay, bye.
03:10Who was that, Harry?
03:12It's a member from the independent party. They said they saw me on TV.
03:15They want me to run for city council.
03:18What's city council?
03:20Well, I think it's some sort of council here in the city.
03:24Council? According to my civics class, that's government.
03:27Oh. Oh, this is big. This is big. We do not want to get involved in this.
03:32No, no. This will allow us to get on the inside, see how it works.
03:34What about our vow not to alter the course of the planet?
03:37Oh, please. It's only politics.
03:41We dive in, master it, grab a few votes, get a little action. Nobody gets hurt.
03:46Harry, call those people back and tell them you'll run.
03:48Right. You're the boss.
03:49Sally, Tommy, you advise Harry on his campaign. I'm going to go register to vote.
03:53Shouldn't we all vote?
03:55No. We don't want to arouse suspicion. One in four seems right.
04:02And here's a list of candidates and referendums.
04:05So, you're all set. You come back here in two weeks to vote.
04:07Right. And how many times do I get to vote?
04:11One time.
04:13And it doesn't matter that I'm brilliant?
04:15No.
04:17Have you noticed how tall I am?
04:20We all get one vote.
04:22So your opinion counts equally with mine?
04:24You got it.
04:26You're awfully smug for a man who works at a folding table.
04:33Okay. Let's see.
04:35For mayor, Hecky Mulligan.
04:39Funny name. I like that in a mayor.
04:42Hecky Mulligan?
04:44How can you vote for Hecky Mulligan? Nina, can you believe that?
04:47How do you know I'm not voting for Mulligan?
04:49I thought you were a Democrat.
04:51And why do you think I'm a Democrat? Because I'm black?
04:53Go ahead. Vote for Mulligan.
04:55I'm not voting for Mulligan.
04:57I don't understand. Why are you getting so worked up over politics?
05:01It's simple. You vote for the best man. The best man wins.
05:03A woman.
05:08Oh, that's priceless.
05:14What? Hecky's a woman?
05:21Frank Ansmiller. Glad to know you.
05:24Hey, Betty. The new speed bump keeping the teenagers away?
05:27Great. Good.
05:30Norma, Tom, Patty, Kathy, Carl.
05:34Too bad about that warehouse fire.
05:36I'm glad to hear the insurance came through.
05:42Harry Solomon. I've never seen you before in my life.
05:48Hi. I'm Harry Solomon.
05:50A simple mind for a simple people.
05:54I can't believe Dr. Solomon is letting his brother run against Gansmiller.
05:58No one can dig up the dirt like Gansmiller.
06:00The man's a backhoe.
06:04It's a piece of equipment.
06:18Don?
06:20Sally. What brings you here?
06:22My brother threw his head into the ring.
06:25You mean his hat?
06:27Yeah, sure. His hat.
06:29What brings you here?
06:31Oh, the usual. Looking for trouble. Making sure it doesn't happen.
06:34Punch?
06:36Take your best shot.
06:42Frank Gansmiller.
06:44Dick Solomon. Nice to know you, Dick.
06:46I feel it only fair to warn you that your challenger is my brother, Harry,
06:49and I am not a man easily swayed.
06:51Dick, I'll keep that in mind.
06:53Mary, this is Frank Gansmiller.
06:54This must be the little lady.
06:56This must be the little man.
06:58Period.
07:01Dick.
07:03It's all right. As long as Mary turns out to vote.
07:05Although, I don't know if you're old enough to vote.
07:08Oh, yes, she is. She's 44.
07:12Mr. Gansmiller.
07:14Frank. When I do vote, it won't be for you.
07:17Mary, Dick, let me get serious for just a moment.
07:22Why should I vote for Frank Gansmiller, you ask?
07:26I didn't ask.
07:28Mary won't let me get away with anything, will she, Dick?
07:30Nothing, Frank.
07:32Why should I vote for Frank Gansmiller, Frank?
07:35Good question, Dick.
07:37Because I want to take money out of the drug dealer's pockets
07:40and give it back to the people.
07:42Oh, sure.
07:43Frank's right. I want some of that drug money.
07:48All right, everybody. It's time to hear from our candidates.
07:51First up, our incumbent, Frank Gansmiller.
07:56No, no. You know what?
07:58You all know me.
08:00Let's give the new kid a chance.
08:02Yes. This is a great man.
08:15Thank you, fellow Rutherfordonia night.
08:21Anyway, I'm here because of all you people.
08:26Men, women.
08:29Of course, if I had my way, there'd be, like, a lot more women.
08:33Hey, you know, on any given day, I see maybe one, two women tossed.
08:37I want to see more women.
08:39Everywhere I go, more women.
08:41More women in the workplace, yes!
08:43Okay.
08:46Vote Harry S. Solomon.
08:48The S stands for know-how.
08:55I'm sorry.
08:57Snow-how.
09:04Turn it off. I've seen enough.
09:09All right, what do you got on him?
09:12Nothing.
09:14He's clean.
09:16Nothing? He must have something rotten in his past. He's human, isn't he?
09:20Look, I've done every background check personally. There's nothing.
09:23It's like he fell out of the sky.
09:25What about drinking?
09:27No.
09:28Gambling?
09:29No.
09:30Bad checks? Tax evasion?
09:31No.
09:32Pornography? Drug addiction? Bad hairpiece?
09:35No!
09:37Zero divided by zero. Zip, nada, bupkis.
09:40Bupkis, huh?
09:42What does bupkis mean?
09:45Nothing.
09:46I thought so.
09:48You know, it's almost as if he were...
09:52Amish.
09:56Damn!
09:58No past, no experience, no record.
10:01The perfect candidate.
10:04Wait a minute.
10:06What about that sister of his?
10:08You leave her out of it!
10:10Ooh, Copper's got a girlfriend.
10:19Should there be a toll on the Cherry Street Bridge?
10:22Well, I never use it, yes.
10:25Yes.
10:27But what if I start using it?
10:29No.
10:30Smart money on no.
10:31What am I thinking?
10:32There's nothing good on Cherry Street, yes.
10:35No!
10:37No, yes!
10:39A resounding no, yes.
10:43Okay, let's move on to the candidates.
10:45This should be a no-brainer.
10:46City Council, District 9, Harry Solomon.
10:50Yeah.
10:53What?
10:55Don't tell me you're voting for Ganzmiller.
10:57Don't tell me you're voting for Harry.
10:58Oh, yes, I'm voting for Harry.
10:59Well, then you're voting wrong.
11:00There's no such thing as voting wrong.
11:02Yes, there is.
11:03You're doing it.
11:05You're making a mockery of this whole election by voting wrong.
11:08It's my vote.
11:09I get to use it any way I want.
11:11What's the point of having a democracy
11:12if people go around voting wrong?
11:14In my opinion, democracy is doing just fine the way it is.
11:18Well, your opinion is wrong!
11:20I can't believe you're voting against your own brother.
11:23Just watch me!
11:24Dick, you're not going to vote for me?
11:28Well, that hurts.
11:30And I know.
11:32Because I feel your pain.
11:37But Harry Solomon is not worried.
11:42Because Harry Solomon knows that Harry Solomon can win.
11:47How can you possibly win?
11:49Because Harry Solomon appeals to both sides.
11:59I vote for Harry Solomon.
12:01Ow!
12:04Hi.
12:05Hey, Miss Dukecheck, you want a bunny?
12:07Oh, yeah.
12:08I'm glad Harry's standing up for good old-fashioned family values.
12:13You could learn from this lesson, Sally.
12:15Never date a guy if he's not good to his wife and kids.
12:29Don.
12:31Sally.
12:32We have to talk.
12:38Your brother is playing with matches,
12:40and that's how fires start.
12:42I know my way around a hose.
12:51This election could turn ugly.
12:53Very ugly.
12:55I shouldn't be telling you this,
12:57but I had to warn you.
12:59You're the only thing in my life that isn't dirty.
13:02A girl can't stay clean forever in a town like this.
13:04Don't talk like that, Sally!
13:06You've got a great pair of getaway sticks.
13:09Now use them.
13:10Come on, Don.
13:11Be straight with me.
13:12You owe me that much.
13:14Follow the money, Sally.
13:16Follow the money.
13:24Solomon.
13:28Yes, Miller.
13:31I'm glad you came.
13:33Well, that's something I don't hear very often.
13:40Solomon, this election means a lot to me.
13:43What do you say we cut a deal?
13:45Well, what sort of deal?
13:47You drop out of the race, I'll make you building inspector.
13:51Why do I want to be building inspector?
13:54Because when the building inspector looks the other way,
13:57he gets an envelope.
13:59Well, what if the building inspector doesn't look the other way?
14:03He always looks the other way.
14:05Well, what's so special the other way?
14:08The envelope.
14:09Well, what's in the envelope?
14:11I'll have to tell you what's in the envelope.
14:13Well, you don't have to, but I sure would appreciate it.
14:16Look.
14:17What will it take you to drop out of this race?
14:19Well, don't ask me.
14:21I'm not the one who makes the decisions.
14:23You aren't?
14:24No, never have, never will.
14:26I just sort of follow orders.
14:28Whose?
14:30Well, we sort of have a leader.
14:32We?
14:33The family.
14:35The family.
14:38Thank you, Solomon.
14:40Thank you very much.
14:44Harry Solomon.
14:46How much do we really know about him?
14:48He claims to be a family man.
14:50But what kind of family?
14:52There's no hard proof that the Solomons are linked to the Gambinis,
14:55the Genoveses, and the Corleones.
14:57But is that a risk you're willing to take?
15:00Harry Solomon.
15:01An offer you can refuse.
15:03Paid for by decent, God-fearing citizens for Gansmiller.
15:07Did you just say that?
15:09We can't be in the mob.
15:10We're from Ohio.
15:11That's terrible.
15:13Oh, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
15:17Dick, dick.
15:19You are so out of the game.
15:21That was a gimme.
15:22He mentioned my name, like, 20 times.
15:24That was great publicity.
15:26But he's a liar.
15:27Dick, let me talk to you like you're a two-year-old.
15:31You know how when you see a commercial for Cheerios,
15:34and they keep showing you Cheerios,
15:36and you really want Cheerios?
15:40Do we have any Cheerios?
15:46They're right next to the embarrassing Defeatios.
15:52What?
15:58What?
15:59Nothing, sir.
16:00I'm sorry I'm late, sir.
16:04What are you doing?
16:05I'm kissing your ring.
16:06I'm not wearing a ring.
16:07I'm sorry.
16:08Please don't have me whacked.
16:10What?
16:11What kind of nonsense is this?
16:12Well, sir, we just want to pay you the proper respects.
16:15Yeah, we didn't know.
16:16Know what?
16:17About your family connections, Don Solomon.
16:21It's that stupid ad.
16:23It's a complete and utter lie.
16:25I would hope you people would know better.
16:27Good, because I've had just about all I can take of this election foolishness.
16:33This is ridiculous.
16:35Your political system is a sham.
16:37It's nothing but lies and propaganda.
16:39Look what it's done to you.
16:41You can't even tell who's good or bad or right or wrong.
16:44Give me science.
16:45At least with physics, you know when you have the right answer.
16:48I never do.
16:52Cannoli?
17:00Oh, I'll be so glad when this election is over.
17:03Here, do something with this.
17:05I'm so confused.
17:07I hardly even know what I'm doing.
17:11You're sitting on your cannoli.
17:15Look at this.
17:16Everything's out of control.
17:18What's wrong?
17:19What's wrong?
17:20I'll tell you what's wrong.
17:21I'm trying to vote my conscience and I can't even hear it anymore.
17:24I have only two choices for city council.
17:26A professional liar and my brother the joke.
17:29Neither of them should even be running for office.
17:32There is no choice.
17:33My only choice is not to vote at all.
17:35Democracy is horrible.
17:36Absolutely horrible.
17:41You're so right.
17:42Democracy is the worst form of government there is.
17:45Except for all of the others.
17:47And that is exactly why you have to vote.
17:49No!
17:50Yes!
17:51No!
17:52Yes!
17:53If you don't vote, you can't complain.
17:55Complaining is all I have left.
17:59The system isn't perfect, but it's important to participate.
18:02Even if you get it wrong,
18:04just go to the polls and do what you think is right.
18:09Things were so much simpler where I come from.
18:11There's only one big giant office
18:13and whoever outruns the fireball wins.
18:20Oh, God!
18:41Oh, God!
18:42I hope I did the right thing!
18:49And the results for City Council are in.
18:51The incumbent, Frank Ganzmiller, is the winner.
18:57So I would be...
18:59loser.
19:02Okay.
19:03Okay.
19:04I'd like to thank you all for supporting...
19:07Alrighty.
19:10Harry, I want you to know that I voted for you.
19:13And to top off this night of firsts,
19:15there was also one write-in vote for a Dr. Mary Albright.
19:23That self-serving bitch!
19:32I just had to come over and say,
19:33great job, kid.
19:34It was a tough campaign all around.
19:36Glad to see no one went negative.
19:40Is that envelope job still available?
19:43No.
19:47Tough luck, kiddo.
19:49But your family's better off.
19:51Spend your life around garbage, you start to stink.
19:54I don't like the taste of losing, Don.
19:56It tastes like a bad egg.
19:58You know, the kind that gives you the burps.
20:02During this election, I've done some things, Sally.
20:05Some things I'm not so proud of.
20:07Did I know better? Sure.
20:09But it's this... this town.
20:11This town.
20:12This crazy town.
20:14Makes you want to brush your teeth.
20:17You're in luck.
20:18I'm packing.
20:23So, Dr. Solomon, did you hear someone voted for me?
20:26Yes, I think I did hear that somewhere.
20:29I wonder where that vote could have come from.
20:31Who knows? It is a secret ballot.
20:33It was me, Dr. Albright. I voted for you.
20:36No, you didn't!
20:38How do you know it was a secret ballot?
20:42There!
20:50I think we should vote for who's High Commander.
20:52Sure. We're in a democracy.
20:54Can we vote for ourselves?
20:55Of course. I vote for me.
20:56I vote for me.
20:57I vote for me.
20:58High Commander breaks the tie. I win.
20:59Wait, wait, wait. Let's vote again.
21:01This time, I vote for Harry.
21:02This is America. You've got to wait four years.
21:04Oh, that's not fair.
21:07God bless America.
21:11APPLAUSE