3rd Rock from The Sun 2x08 - World's Greatest Dick
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Oh, come on, Dick. I want to go to the magic shop.
00:07Harry, we'll get some change. We'll wait here with the car.
00:15Oh, um, Dick, I got to get some new sneakers. My toes are bursting out of these things.
00:19I just bought you those three months ago. You know you're a freak, don't you?
00:23Come on, I'm growing.
00:25You were just a growing. But for every inch you sprout, you become that much more insolent.
00:29And do that much worse in school.
00:31So what?
00:32You're going to become the world's tallest idiot.
00:34I can't believe you won my case.
00:36I just can't stomach another of those interminable parent-teacher conferences.
00:41Look, I did not ask to be the teenager, okay? You made me.
00:45One star drilling company. I bet they have change.
00:48Yeah, toil men are rich.
00:50Well, check you out. You look just like a real woman.
00:58Thanks. That's what I was going for.
01:04I still can't get used to those mood swings.
01:07Way to commit, girl.
01:09I'll be right back.
01:12Hello. Are you familiar with the art of illusion?
01:20Hi, there.
01:22Hi, there.
01:24Could you change a dollar?
01:26For you, I could change anything.
01:28You know, I don't see a lot of men as good-looking as you.
01:32Well, I don't see a lot of men as good-looking as you.
01:41Well, we're fabulous, aren't we?
01:44Oh, yeah.
01:49Oh, yeah.
02:20Hello, hello, hello. You've got a visitor.
02:25Dr. Solomon, I'm Candace Ballard.
02:28Hello. What do you want?
02:31I'm Tommy's guidance counselor.
02:34By the way, my guidance counselor might stop by tonight.
02:43Didn't I tell you to become the model student?
02:46I did. I based every test.
02:48What are you doing here?
02:49I don't know. I'm brilliant, not clairvoyant.
02:52Is it too much to ask that you just once make me a proud father?
02:56It's not my mission to make you proud.
02:59It is if I say so.
03:00It is not.
03:01Say it's your mission.
03:02No.
03:03Come on, say it's your mission.
03:04No.
03:05Say it, say it.
03:06It's my mission.
03:07Is everything all right?
03:09Well, everything's fine.
03:10Well, then I'll see you later.
03:11Will you get back in here and sit down?
03:15Sit down.
03:18Give me your coat.
03:19Okay.
03:37How am I supposed to learn if you keep letting me out?
03:46Well, I have some news.
03:49Maybe you better sit down.
03:55Tommy scored higher on the national merit quiz than anyone in Ohio's history.
03:59It's not my fault.
04:01Oh, that's a good thing.
04:02That's a good thing.
04:03You should be proud.
04:05You've raised a very bright boy.
04:08Sorry, could you repeat that?
04:11You've raised a very bright boy?
04:12No one's ever said that to me before.
04:14Say it again.
04:15Well, actually, I want...
04:16No, just say it.
04:17I love that.
04:18The bright boy part.
04:19Say it, say it.
04:20Oh, bright boy.
04:21In fact, he's done so well,
04:23I think he should transfer to the Picnic Country Day School for the gifted.
04:29Because I raised a gifted son?
04:31Yes.
04:32Look at what you've already given him.
04:34The stimulation.
04:36The nurturing.
04:38And not to mention the genes he inherited.
04:41You're right.
04:42I do give a lot as a father.
04:45Oh!
04:57Sally.
05:01There's something I have to tell you about your boyfriend.
05:05He cooks, he loves the arts,
05:07he wears great shoes,
05:09and he's single.
05:11Yeah, what's your point?
05:13Sally.
05:15Marry this man.
05:19Tommy!
05:20Come in here!
05:21Tommy!
05:22Great news.
05:23I'm sending you to the Picnic School
05:25where our accomplishments will be recognized.
05:27What?
05:28No, I don't want to go.
05:29I'll have to leave all my friends.
05:31Stop thinking of yourself.
05:32Think of me.
05:34And how proud I'll be he'll go.
05:37Wonderful.
05:38A little something to graze on.
05:44I'm out!
05:48I'm out of the closet!
05:54I love this family.
06:02Fixed problem.
06:03I don't want to go to the Picnic School.
06:05Of course you don't.
06:07Your father's a professor.
06:08By rejecting education, you're rejecting him.
06:11Rejection's the most powerful weapon there is.
06:13Well, maybe on Earth.
06:17I know this is going to be miserable.
06:19I already hate it there.
06:20You know, all those praney girls are going to be ugly.
06:24Are you saying that intelligent girls
06:27are by definition unattractive?
06:30Yeah, most of them are.
06:34What?
06:35Well, not all of them are.
06:38I mean...
06:40In fact, on the graph of smart girls
06:42and the graph of pretty ones,
06:44you're the sole intersection,
06:46the single point of perfection
06:48in an infinity of stupid and homely.
06:54Wow.
06:55You are gifted.
07:11Hey!
07:14You're smoking?
07:16I guess my body just responds to the classics.
07:20You know, they're having a dance contest here next week.
07:23We'd be unbeatable.
07:24Especially if we target our key competition
07:26and sever their Achilles tendons.
07:29What?
07:30You're just so great.
07:32You're a warrior in a world full of phonies.
07:34You're not afraid to be who you are.
07:36I mean, you're in the military and you wear a dress.
07:38I just want to be all that I can be.
07:42You're the strongest person I've ever met.
07:46I know.
07:52Tommy, we're thrilled to have you here.
07:54Uh, Dr. Solomon,
07:56as a parent and educator, kudos to you.
07:59You've raised a very special boy.
08:01Yes, I have.
08:02And you've had the foresight to bring him to the right place.
08:05Well, I am the high commander.
08:09Yes, well,
08:11people of brilliance can't be expected to function
08:13in a society that's run by intellectual midgets.
08:16That's what we always say.
08:24Yes, yes, you and Tommy have found a home here at the picnic.
08:27It's not just for exceptional students,
08:29it's for exceptional parents.
08:31Well, then you must be delighted to meet me.
08:39Ah, Artemis, thanks for stopping by.
08:41Tommy, consider Artemis Pickney's welcome wagon.
08:45I'm here to show you what's wired and what's tired.
08:49Somebody shoot me in the head.
08:52Well, Dr. Menard, now that the children are away,
08:55let's discuss me at great length.
09:09Oh, hey, how was your day?
09:11Great. I am the king of Dorkopolis.
09:17My liege.
09:24Tommy!
09:27Looking good.
09:30Dick.
09:32Phelan's still here.
09:34Looking good.
09:37Dick. Phelan's stupid.
09:41Oh, Dick.
09:43You've got money in your shoes.
09:45Ooh, you've got money in your shoes.
09:48I want money shoes.
09:52Harry, no, money shoes are for picnic students and picnic parents only.
09:57Rats.
10:04Tommy, look at this.
10:06First in your class.
10:08You're a genius.
10:10You've made me so proud, son.
10:12Is there anything you need?
10:14Money? A ride somewhere? Cufflinks?
10:16Can I build you a dark room? Anything you want.
10:18Name it. It's yours.
10:20I want to go back to my old school.
10:22Cufflinks it is.
10:55Don't put bumper stickers on my car.
10:57Well, why do you think it was me?
10:59I am the proud secretary for the father of the smartest kid at picnic.
11:04It may have been me.
11:12Dick.
11:14Did you see this article about Tommy in the paper?
11:16Tommy? My son?
11:18The child genius?
11:20Yes, that Tommy.
11:21Finest to compete in picnic knowledge.
11:23Bold, smartest kid expected to win.
11:27Ah, here it is.
11:29Tommy's father, Dr. Dick Solomon.
11:34Physics professor at nearby Pendleton University
11:37reminds people that genius is 1% perspiration
11:41and 99% brilliant father.
11:46You don't think I overstated my influence, do you?
11:49No.
11:53And hip, and hip, and hip, hip, hip.
11:57Now the arms, and arms, and out, and in.
12:01And Sally, you're leading again.
12:06Keep forgetting, I'm the girl.
12:11You know, I've got to go. I'm getting my chest waxed.
12:16Hey, you want to come? I've got a coupon.
12:18Oh, no, I prefer to tweeze.
12:20Ouch.
12:22You know, I'm not usually attracted to your type,
12:25but you are something special.
12:27Well, what you see is what you get.
12:32Ooh.
12:38So you're pretty into him, huh?
12:40I think he might be the one.
12:47Why would I want to wax my chest?
12:51Okay, Tommy.
12:53I read that you're competing in the knowledge bowl.
12:55So what?
12:56So we have to review.
12:58What? Dick, that's stupid.
13:00I'm the information officer. I know everything.
13:02Maybe. Maybe not.
13:04What's that supposed to mean?
13:06How about physics? In Russian.
13:18Wrong.
13:20It's quantum.
13:21No, I asked the question wrong.
13:22If you wanted quantum, you should have asked...
13:31Famous ontologists in Greek.
13:44In the form of a question.
13:51Poets of the Lee River Delta.
13:54Complete Juan Poe's classic couplet of love and betrayal.
14:01Come one.
14:03You say love and betrayal.
14:06Yeah, it's our love.
14:09It's our love.
14:12It's our love.
14:16It's our love.
14:19It's our love.
14:21It's our love.
14:24It's our love.
14:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:30Hmm.
14:41This isn't even a so-called life.
14:43Oh, well, as Harry Houdini once said,
14:47pick a card, any card.
14:50It's my mission to be a teenager,
14:51but right now I hate my father,
14:53I hate my school and my life seems hopeless,
14:55teenager I am. Cut the deck. If I'm gonna do my job I've got to be in a real
15:00school, one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders. Fold the edges of
15:06your card ever so slightly. I mean why am I even putting myself through all this so
15:10Dick can feel proud? Pick another card, add the value, multiply by four.
15:17This thing's crazy. I'm not Dick's son, I'm the information officer. I've got to bring this
15:21mission back on course. Write the number on your arm so that I cannot see it.
15:25I've got only one thing left to do. Shuffle? Sabotage.
15:31All right we're okay as long as none of those are clubs. Pick a card.
15:47Remember to phrase your answer in the form of an answer. Okay next question.
15:54Tabula rasa is a Latin term meaning what?
15:59Tommy knows this one, what's wrong with him?
16:01Tabula rasa means blank slate. That is correct.
16:06He's probably just nervous. Relax, damn you, relax.
16:13Which impressionist painter is known for his series of water lilies?
16:20That's a very easy one Dr. Menard. The answer is Picasso.
16:26No!
16:30The answer is Claude Monet.
16:34Dr. Solomon, competition is essential to learning.
16:37Bite me!
16:39What is the outer envelope or atmosphere of gas surrounding the Sun called?
16:46Mmm, that's a toughie.
16:48You have ten seconds.
17:00Five seconds, three, two, one.
17:04It's called the corona! You've been there, you know that!
17:09Come on, he's trying, he's your son!
17:12My son? He's not my son! I have no son!
17:28Let's go win us a contest.
17:30Sally, why don't you wear that little red number you've got, it'll look better than my outfit.
17:34But I look so hot!
17:35Oh, you must have something flashier than that. Let me see your closet.
17:38Fine, help me with the zipper.
17:40Don't worry, I'm very good at this. Now slip out of that dress.
17:55I made a big, big mistake.
17:57What's wrong? What did I do?
17:58How can I put this? I expected more.
18:04What? I'm not your kind of woman?
18:06Sally, you are a woman.
18:14What did you think I was?
18:30Wow.
18:33I have never seen such reprehensible behavior.
18:35I know, I don't blame you if you have to expel Tommy.
18:38Dr. Solomon, we still consider Tommy picnic material.
18:41It is you who are banned from the picnic.
18:45I'm banned? Well, guess what? Tommy didn't even want to come to this robot factory outlet.
18:51I made him! Me, me, me!
18:54And now I'm putting him back in a real school, where he can be himself.
18:57The kind of school where kids aren't judged on how well they test,
19:00or how much they know, where they aren't judged at all!
19:03Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless from K through 12,
19:08carrying their diplomas straight through the Golden Arches,
19:11and on into their waiting McJobs!
19:15Come on, Tommy! We're going home!
19:26Dick and Tommy were the best of pals.
19:29But then one day, Dick used Tommy to make himself look good.
19:35Now to get back at him, Tommy used Dick to make Dick look very bad.
19:41Now, apart, they were just two separate handkerchiefs.
19:44Oh, shut up, Harry.
19:47But then magically, they got back together.
19:55Why did you do that to me?
19:58I don't know. I guess, because you made my life suck.
20:03Why didn't you just tell me that?
20:04Well, I tried to. You were impenetrably happy.
20:07What is it about the father-son relationship that makes communication so difficult?
20:12Is it the father using his son to make good on his unfulfilled dreams?
20:17Or is it the son, defining himself by rejecting his father?
20:21It's neither. It's both.
20:24It's men.
20:26And how did you acquire this new expertise?
20:29Oh, yeah. What happened with Glenn?
20:31Remember when we said that two sexes must be so limiting?
20:36I think Glenn found a loophole.
20:48You're a precocious kid, but this is a game of wisdom.
20:51All right, old man. Let's settle this once and for all.
20:56Checkmate!
20:58God damn it!
21:02Oh! Oh, wait. Look.
21:05My rook can take your...