3rd Rock from The Sun 2x05 - Much Ado About Dick
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00:01Oh, Dick!
00:02Oh, Mary!
00:03Oh, we mustn't do this here!
00:04Yes, we must do it!
00:05We can't!
00:06We can! I measured!
00:09I have an early class tomorrow.
00:10You hear what she said, Dick? She's got an early class tomorrow.
00:15Will you be quiet? Can't you see I'm trying to get to second base here?
00:19Things have really changed since she entered the picture.
00:22Yeah, now we even have to act like humans when we're by ourselves.
00:25She's like that Yoko woman who ruined her husband's band.
00:31Yeah. Hey, you remember that episode where she convinced Ricky that she could play the bongos?
00:41This bites.
00:42Oh!
00:44So does she.
01:01Oh!
01:25What?
01:30The crust in your eyes, it's still there.
01:34Don't touch it, it's beautiful.
01:37My God, you're a mourning person.
01:39No.
01:41No, I'm a merry person.
01:43Oh, that's so sweet.
01:45You know, I had the strangest dream that your brother Harry was curled up at our feet in the middle of the night.
01:55It won't happen again.
01:58I'll finish dressing.
01:59Can I help you?
02:00No.
02:04Do you mind? I am trying to sleep.
02:11She slept over again?
02:12Slept? No.
02:15Well, eventually, but I think the innuendo is delightfully clear.
02:19Don't you see what's going on here, Dick?
02:21She hogs the bathroom, she leaves stuff in the sink for me to wash,
02:24and last night she forced us to watch an A&E biography on Susan St. James.
02:31What's her point, Lieutenant?
02:32You let in an outsider, she's getting in the way of this mission.
02:35I'm giving you an opportunity to observe her up close.
02:38Well, she's no Joanne Worley, but...
02:44Hello, Tommy.
02:46I really want the two of us to be friends.
02:49Don't you have any friends of your own?
02:52You're probably very confused about what's going on between your father and me.
02:57No, not really. I have excellent hearing.
03:01I just want you to know that your father and I are going to be seeing a lot more of each other.
03:06Oh, wow. How much could possibly be left?
03:10Well, gotta go. See you at the office.
03:12I have an idea. Why don't I ride with you?
03:14I think it would be a better idea if we rode separately, if you know what I mean.
03:19I don't know what you mean.
03:20Well, people might start thinking that we're sleeping together.
03:25What?
03:26We are. We are, I swear.
03:29Oh, come on. Wait a second. Why can't you two just ride together?
03:32Yeah, I need the car to go grocery shopping.
03:33Yeah, I need a ride downtown.
03:34It's just not a good idea.
03:36Why not?
03:37See, Dick, this is exactly what I was talking about.
03:38She has a car that we can do it at.
03:44I don't want to start a fight here. I guess it's okay for you to ride with me today.
03:48Yes!
03:49Come on.
03:57What's this?
04:00I won. I won $150.
04:06You don't understand, lady. You owe us $150.
04:11Oh, I see. So you lure me down here to collect my prize, then you pull the old bait and switch.
04:17I'll take care of this.
04:23Sally?
04:25Hello, Don. It's been a long time.
04:29I thought you walked out of my life for good.
04:31I'm back. I ran into trouble out there in the city.
04:34The city is full of trouble.
04:35I found this on my car.
04:42Parked in a handicapped zone.
04:45I'm sure you had a good reason.
04:49Yes. It was the closest spot to the store.
04:53Works for me.
04:55Consider this taken care of.
04:57Just like that?
04:58Just like that.
05:01Wow.
05:03Sally, can I take you out tonight?
05:09Okay.
05:15No, stop it.
05:16We're not in the office.
05:17Behave yourself.
05:18Well, let's go back in the car.
05:19No.
05:21Not in the car, not in the bar, not in the house, not up your blouse.
05:23I cannot touch you here or there. I cannot touch you anywhere.
05:29Judith!
05:30Father Rice!
05:32Dr. Solomon and I just ran into each other on the way in.
05:38Dr. Souter!
05:39What?
05:40I said, Dr. Souter!
05:43You again!
05:45Do you need any help?
05:46Get away from me!
05:51Good for you! Stay independent!
05:55Dick, rumor has it that you and a certain anthropology professor are going at it pretty good.
06:02Well, I don't know what you're talking about.
06:04Yeah, right.
06:13I gotta get me an anvil.
06:18Harry, I need a ride.
06:20No.
06:21You know, I outrank you.
06:23Oh, well, in that case, no sir.
06:27Please, just give me a ride.
06:29Look, come on. I mean, can't you see that I'm busy?
06:32What, is it too much to ask for a little time for Harry?
06:36I'll tell you what.
06:38If the roadrunner wins this next one, you take me.
06:40But if he doesn't, I'll never ask you again.
06:45Okay, you're on.
06:48I've seen this next scheme before and it's far too brilliant to fail twice.
07:01Let's go.
07:03You're wrong.
07:04I'm right.
07:05You're wrong.
07:06I'm not wrong.
07:07You're wrong about that, too.
07:08There's no way to observe a society without intruding on it.
07:10One can't help but leave footprints.
07:12Well, of course not. I've seen your bipedal gait.
07:15So let me get this straight.
07:17You're saying that you could drop right out of the sky into some strange culture and walk amongst them unnoticed.
07:22Yes!
07:24Hypothetically.
07:26Mary, you're an anthropologist. Back me up.
07:28Oh, I'm afraid I'd have to agree with Dr. Solomon.
07:31Of course. What was I thinking?
07:34You're sleeping with him.
07:39Oh.
07:44This is a disaster, Dick. Everybody's talking about us.
07:46Oh, we're back to that again.
07:48Well, you just don't understand.
07:50I've worked hard to be taken seriously.
07:53There was a time when I had a reputation.
07:55For excellence?
08:00Well, yes.
08:01But in a very specific category.
08:04When I was a young professor on the fast track, there were things that I did.
08:08Well, what were you doing?
08:10The dean.
08:14Is that like the Watusi?
08:17Sometimes.
08:19There was this very prestigious job opening.
08:21Oh, did you get it?
08:22No, I didn't get the job.
08:24But I did get a nickname.
08:26Dr. Mary Slut Bunny.
08:30Well, there's your silver lining.
08:32You just don't get it, do you?
08:34When a man has an office romance, it doesn't affect his career.
08:38But when a woman has one, no one takes her seriously.
08:41I don't understand.
08:42Oh, I don't expect you to.
08:44I need to be alone tonight.
08:46But I'm not like that.
08:48I take you seriously, Dr. Slut Bunny.
08:55Sally.
08:56You look beautiful.
08:58Oh, Don.
09:00The donut's talking.
09:03Now, what you did today was really powerful.
09:05I mean, you just snapped your fingers and things fell into place.
09:08Let's just keep that our little secret, shall we?
09:11Okay.
09:13Would you like another donut?
09:15I don't know. Are you sure you can afford it?
09:18I get them for free.
09:20Well, except they're cream-filled.
09:22But all that'll change when I make detective.
09:26That day will come, Don.
09:29We'll make it come.
09:31And then...
09:34...we can eat cream-filled...
09:36...together.
09:43One David Niner, one David Niner, copy that.
09:45218.
09:46218.
09:47What is it?
09:48It's a 218.
09:50I have to go.
09:51Take me with you.
09:52I can't.
09:53Please.
09:54Let's ride.
09:55Goodies!
09:59That was so exhilarating, Don.
10:01I mean, I've never been on a raid before.
10:03Come to think of it, I've never held a criminal off the roof of a warehouse by his ankles
10:07until he screamed,
10:08Mommy.
10:11Oh, Mommy.
10:12Sally.
10:13You make me feel alive.
10:16Like I've dropped a stun gun down my pants.
10:20Hey, Don.
10:21Do it again.
10:23Sally.
10:24You're insatiable.
10:27Ah!
10:29Ah!
10:31Ah!
10:38You're home awfully late.
10:40I had a great time tonight.
10:42Dick, I think I finally found my calling.
10:45What?
10:46I'm joining the police force.
10:48Why?
10:49Because I can make a difference.
10:51I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but I forbid it.
10:53Why?
10:54Because you will make a difference.
10:56Say you clean up Rutherford.
10:57What's next?
10:58Cleveland.
10:59Exactly.
11:00And then you clean up Ohio.
11:01That's the plan.
11:02Soon the entire Midwest is crime-free.
11:04What's going to happen to all those people whose income depends on crime?
11:08The lawyers, the insurance companies,
11:10the 11 o'clock news,
11:11hell, the entire Fox network.
11:15There are worldwide implications here,
11:17and we're not supposed to interfere with life on this planet.
11:19Hey, why can't I interfere with the planet?
11:21Hey, why can't I interfere with the planet?
11:22You do.
11:23I do not.
11:24What do you call what you're doing with Dr. Albright?
11:26Well, that's different.
11:27When you're in love with someone,
11:28you're allowed to completely screw up their life.
11:30That's what love is.
11:32I understand.
11:34I'll talk to Don.
11:36Thank you, Lieutenant.
11:37Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to bed.
11:40I can't be around you with a nightstick right now.
11:46Yes.
11:48I seem to have that effect on women.
12:00Hey.
12:01Would you please take it outside?
12:15If only I could be that spoon.
12:17Stop it.
12:20Well, you let me be the spoon yesterday.
12:22Cut it out.
12:23Come on.
12:25Dick, we're professionals.
12:27We have reputations to protect.
12:29We're not kids anymore.
12:30Oh, I see.
12:31The looser the skin, the tighter the behavior.
12:35Just let me be the spoon once, please.
12:38Fine.
12:40Just this once.
12:48Come on.
12:56You're about a quart low.
13:01From now on, I'm just gonna slide things under the door.
13:05The two of you have an RSVP,
13:07the trustee's cocktail reception tomorrow night.
13:09Well, I can't speak for Dr. Solomon,
13:11but I'll be there.
13:15Nina, can I ask you something?
13:16Damn, I almost made it.
13:19There's a man and a woman,
13:21and the woman won't let the man near her in public.
13:24The man is very frustrated.
13:25What should he do
13:27when all he wants is to climb up to the top of the engineering tower
13:30and proclaim his love for all the campus to hear?
13:33Well, I wouldn't do that if I were him.
13:35Well, why not?
13:36Because Dr. Albright would kill him dead.
13:42Fine.
13:44I won't.
13:50I don't know what came over her.
13:52Same old story.
13:53She wants more space.
13:55And I don't know how to give it to her.
13:57Wait, I've got it.
13:59I'll go out and buy two dozen roses,
14:01and then I'll put a little note on each rose that says,
14:03hope you're enjoying your space.
14:06And then I'll take one over to her every hour on the hour
14:08and give it to her,
14:10and if she's not there, I'll leave it on her doorstep.
14:12That doesn't sound like a very good idea.
14:14Look, do you want her back,
14:15or do you want her to think you're an idiot?
14:19Well, I want her back.
14:20Well, you've got to play it cool.
14:22You have to act like you couldn't care less
14:24whether she likes you or not.
14:25But I do.
14:26No, you don't.
14:27Yes, I do.
14:28No, you don't.
14:32Right.
14:34Maybe I don't.
14:35There you go.
14:36But I do.
14:38No.
14:39Trust me, she'll come crawling back.
14:41I know what I'm talking about.
14:43I've been married five times.
14:47Ah, women.
14:55Or so I've heard.
14:59I understand, Mrs. Bittenson.
15:01His tree is dropping fruit on your property.
15:04It's just that the police department
15:06can't do anything at this time
15:08except dispatch three black-and-whites ASAP
15:10from that dirtbag's house
15:11and gas him until he picks up
15:13every last one of those...
15:15figs.
15:17Oh, I'm sorry, Sally.
15:19You just walked into a hornet's nest here.
15:21You work so hard, Officer Don.
15:23Rusty, Rico.
15:25Protect and serve.
15:27That's what I do.
15:28Protect and serve.
15:30Well, I've got something to tell you,
15:31and it's gonna hurt.
15:32Then make it quick.
15:33I can't join the force.
15:34But you're so good.
15:35I'm the best.
15:36But it's too much power for one person to have.
15:38I'd affect too many lives.
15:39No, there's no power.
15:40I do nothing.
15:41I'm completely ineffectual.
15:43Here's your stick.
15:53I'll never forget you, Smokey.
15:55You'll be back.
15:57A woman like you
15:59can't stay away.
16:01Maybe.
16:03Be careful out there.
16:09So, are we sending the squad cars
16:11to collect those figs?
16:13Uh...
16:15No, no, I'll just, uh...
16:17pick them up on my way home.
16:24Oh, my God, here he comes.
16:26Oh, they're gonna have a field day with this one.
16:28It's okay, Doctor.
16:29I'll just calm down.
16:30Nina!
16:31It's so good to see you.
16:34And only you.
16:36Oh, Dr. Solomon,
16:38I've never seen you with a turtleneck before.
16:40His name is Harry.
16:44Dr. Schroeder!
16:46Oh, and Mrs. Sumner!
17:04You look lovely this evening.
17:06Oh, well, then...
17:07No!
17:12This is great dip, Mrs. Sumner.
17:14It's pâté.
17:16This is great dip pâté.
17:22What's she doing?
17:24You don't care.
17:25Oh, right.
17:27Dick, is there something that...
17:29Martini. Dry. Not too dry.
17:31Moist. Very moist.
17:33Oh, I see.
17:35You're punishing me.
17:37Fine.
17:38You're good.
17:40Smooth.
17:42But it's so hard.
17:45Stay strong, big guy.
17:48Trouble in paradise, Mary?
17:51Oh, shut up.
17:53Don't you have anything better to do?
17:55Why don't you get a life so I'll have somebody to talk about?
17:58Ouch.
18:01Oh, I love these things.
18:04May I?
18:09This isn't metric, is it?
18:15I didn't know you played.
18:17Oh, no, I'm not playing. I'm adding.
18:19Night and day
18:22You are the one
18:24Only you
18:26Beneath the moon
18:28And under the sun
18:31Whether near to me or far
18:34It's no matter, darling
18:36Where you are
18:38I think of you
18:47Night and day
18:50Under the hide of me
18:54There is, oh, such a hungry burning burning fire within me
19:00And this torment won't be through
19:03Till you let me spend my whole life making love to you
19:09Day and night
19:14Night and day
19:19Not the way I would have done it.
19:22Whatever.
19:25You know I'll never understand this human obsession with what other people think.
19:29Well, I don't care what anybody thinks.
19:32You know, Harry, maybe you should care just a little.
19:36So how do you leave it with Officer Don?
19:38Open. I've never been out with a guy like him.
19:41I've been wined and dined, but I've never been to a party.
19:46I've been wined, but I've never been donutted.
19:50I like it.
19:52I'd like to be breaded and deep-fried.
19:58And I don't care what anybody thinks of it.
20:00You're right, Harry. The only voice that matters is the one inside your head.
20:04Which one?
20:07Shut up.
20:16Mary Allwright is mine!
20:22Dick Solomon is mine!
20:26You on the roof, put down the bullhorn.
20:30There have been complaints. Put down the bullhorn.
20:36Thanks, Don.
20:46MUSIC
21:16.