An Evening With Robin Williams (1983) Comedy

Retro Kid

A memorable evening filled with non stop laughter with the king of comedy The late great Robin Williams

Transcript

00:00:00San Francisco. I love this city. I grew up here. It's always been a very, very special

00:00:21place to me. I leave, but there's always something that pulls me back to this city. The streets,

00:00:30the people I met there.

00:00:33Paper. Get your paper here. Hitler found in Hollywood. Signed three picture deal. Read

00:00:39all about it. Get your copy of The National Intruding Son. Man married sister. Father

00:00:44of own nephew. How you doing there, pal? Hey, what it was? What's happening? Yes, there,

00:00:49a fat Ringo Starr. Same man. Read all about it. Hey, pal, how you doing? Hey, don't look

00:00:57so glum. Hey, even the Pope couldn't get in there tonight. What are you, crazy? That

00:01:01type of night, you know? Place is booked solid. Yeah, how you doing, pal? Hey, that's it.

00:01:07Hey, enjoy the show there, you know? Take care of yourself. Hey, crazy guy. Yeah, you

00:01:13know, I used to see this guy in the beginning. Yeah, he'd play anywhere. Go to the opening

00:01:17of an envelope. Bug run, worm wrestle. He'd be there. Benefits. Yeah, he was the benefit

00:01:22pig. What am I talking about? I saw him do a benefit once. Save the shrimp. Ain't that

00:01:26a bitch? Yeah, I'm telling you that, boy. Oh, he's a crazy guy, though. Grew up around

00:01:30here. Yeah, he did, you know? Know what I'm saying? Grew up in Marin County. Was 16 before

00:01:35he had his first Porsche. Oh, yeah. Had to work all winter long just to go to Europe.

00:01:40Oh, ain't that a bitch there. Whoa, that's some kind of day, eh? How you doing there?

00:01:44Hey, have a good show in there. Oh, see? You're still going in there. How are you? Pepper!

00:01:49Sneak in. Take a chance. Come on, that's what he's doing. He hasn't got an act. He's just

00:01:55out there. Come on. Let's improvise. How you doing? Nice night, eh? Best. Thanks so

00:02:11much.

00:02:41Ladies and gentlemen, Robin Williams!

00:03:11Thank you. Thank you for the glory night we have here tonight.

00:03:41Will you look at this little thing we have here? It's a Sistine Chapel designed by Frederick

00:03:45of Hollywood. Look at that. Now, look at this. Wayne Newton's living room. My God, look at

00:03:52that thing. It's the type of place where Slim Whitman could sing Aida. Yay.

00:03:56You ever listen to that man sing and think that, my God, he's got his balls in a vise?

00:04:11My Lord, my special people up there. It's a severely medicated section right there. Wonderful.

00:04:19Oh, my God, look, we're home. San Francisco back again.

00:04:35Talk about people going, yeah, you are. You're home now. You better just be real funny real

00:04:40quick. San Francisco, where God saved the queen, is a different meeting.

00:04:47Wonder out here. Don't be afraid. Pardon me. Hello, how are you? Check this off. They haven't

00:04:51set yet. Don't be afraid. Hello. Pardon me, I wasn't reaching down. Hello, how are you?

00:04:56A little bandana, my God. Hold on. Oh, look. Now the people in the bank recognize you.

00:05:02Hello, how are you? Lovely place, my God. My God, what a lovely shade of tweed. Obviously,

00:05:08this is the marine section over here. How are you? Lovely, Mr. Jaffe, how are you? Hello,

00:05:15let's see. Let's get some more damn people in this place. Here, I tell you. Aerofat,

00:05:1946,000, please. Luke, Luke, Luke. Live at five, live at five. I like to piss off the

00:05:32camera and go, asshole, stay in place. Earthquake, earthquake. Not funny to do here. If there

00:05:41ever is an earthquake in San Francisco, it's just God saying, get those condominiums off

00:05:44my back. Thank you. Oh, nice to have Goofy here. I'm going over here. One second, I have

00:06:00to wander back. Thank you. Oh, we're just going to work on this. We're going to tease

00:06:04it a little. How about those 49ers? Do you think they're ever going to work again? I

00:06:09don't know. Let's just look over here. Second. Okay, we're going to put a little up here.

00:06:16Hare Krishna. Right now, she's going, I worked all day on that. Oh, more smoke. I want to

00:06:24die. Oh, my God. What do they call this drink? An acne pimple. Don't be afraid of those open

00:06:35doors. Just relax. I'm really getting some heavy tension from you. You know, men have

00:06:45nipples, too. Did you know that? The guy's going, really? Get off my back. Hello, sir.

00:06:52How are you? Pardon me. I'm just wandering through the audience. Look at this ensemble.

00:06:57My God, what is this? A little raincoat we brought here this evening. Hold on. Don't

00:07:01be afraid. I'll have it back. This is a lovely thing. Oh, yes. Now I can go on the buses

00:07:07again. How are you? You find people in San Francisco so nice, they don't flash people,

00:07:14they just describe themselves to you. All right. Oops. Excuse me. Here we are. We'll

00:07:20put this down now. Oh, you're a lovely coat, sir. Pardon me. Just passing through again.

00:07:25Feel like it. Pardon me. Thank you. Thank you. Andre, please keep the people coming.

00:07:29Let's go. Thank you, sir. Look at this. This is the Marquis de Suede, no doubt. In there

00:07:36with all the people going, oh, just give me the mask. I don't care what it goes with.

00:07:42All right, we better move back up here.

00:07:55Somewhere on a beach in California, there's a man wandering around going, I know the tapes

00:07:58are here.

00:08:05Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Williams.

00:08:08Before I go on, I'd like to do a little ventriloquism for you.

00:08:14Some guy in the back going, see, let's come on, do that stuff.

00:08:18My God, we're here tonight again. Once again, my home. I, the Marin County people, where

00:08:24I grew up. Mom's here. Mama. Mama, Oedipus, Shmedipus, I love you.

00:08:30Boy, well, I guess we should get to the show real quick. People are going, we pay good

00:08:34money now. Even Marin paid more than good money. They paid beyond money.

00:08:44People going into Marin County say, my God, look at that little rainbow. Isn't that cute?

00:08:48They lie. They lie to you. It's an ethnic detector.

00:08:53We have two Negroes heading south.

00:08:58Those people are so damn wealthy, they don't get the crabs. They get the lobsters.

00:09:04Oh.

00:09:08People, people with names like, I have friends with names like Biff, Tad,

00:09:14Muffy, how are you? Good to see you.

00:09:17They don't buy Lacoste shirts, they actually staple a live alligator to the house.

00:09:21Little medic alert badges that say, please a Perrier and a BMW, quickly.

00:09:27A couple of months ago, they had a white shark off the coast of Marin. People are going,

00:09:30thank God, at least it was white.

00:09:34Hey.

00:09:37Hey, come.

00:09:39You never see that white shark, though, swimming in the bay, come up near Oakland, because

00:09:42people are going, get your ass out of the water.

00:09:46Come on. Get your ass out of the water.

00:09:49I'm going to make some shoes out of your booty, man. Come on.

00:09:52Come on out. I'm waiting for you. Come on, man.

00:09:57And I'll use your fins for my Cadillacs. Come on out.

00:10:01Well, we better move on quickly.

00:10:03Look at this.

00:10:05We're saving this booth for the Pope to throw out the first baseball.

00:10:16Look at this. Hold on.

00:10:17Oh, little Sansa Mia plants.

00:10:21How cute. These are all picking little buds off.

00:10:24Undercover cop in the back is going, keep going.

00:10:27Yes, hold on. Let me look all around here.

00:10:30Oh, my God, Jimmy Hoffa.

00:10:35I'm fond of these tricks.

00:10:37No one understands this color, that's why I put it up here, just to piss people off.

00:10:42I have some good news for you.

00:10:43While you've been here this evening, groups of gay men have broken into your home and

00:10:46redecorated it.

00:10:50You'll come home.

00:10:53You'll come back to your house going, Austrian drapes.

00:10:57Pictures of Joan Crawford everywhere.

00:11:01Well, that's the kind of city this is.

00:11:02It's a happy town, because in about two days, this town's really going happy.

00:11:06They have real drag races here in two days.

00:11:09You know the type of races, two men running on the streets going, the tits are sagging,

00:11:11keep them up, let's go.

00:11:16But everyone talks about gay bars, gay houses.

00:11:19Why not? Let's go beyond gay. Let's be enchanted.

00:11:23That way, if you say you're into S&M, it means sorcery and magic.

00:11:27Wham, show me your wand, I'll take you anywhere.

00:11:31Oh, thank you.

00:11:33Okay.

00:11:35The animal people are here.

00:11:37The type of people who take a little medication, go see Quest for Fire, come out going,

00:11:41wow, what an incredible documentary.

00:11:49We know, we know.

00:11:50A camera.

00:11:52Fool, I see it, don't be afraid.

00:11:55Wait, let me give you a very special picture.

00:11:56Give me the camera.

00:11:57I'll give it back.

00:11:58A Mr. Happy Babyfool.

00:12:00Hold on here, let's see.

00:12:01Okay.

00:12:03Here's a little Japanese man having sex.

00:12:10Focus.

00:12:11Focus, damn it, focus.

00:12:24Look at this here.

00:12:25Let's give you a very special picture.

00:12:28There you go.

00:12:31Yes.

00:12:33Oh, yes.

00:12:35I'm glad you had the old wide angle lens on there.

00:12:40I can't wait till you take that to photomats.

00:12:43My God, what is that, an anaconda pressed up against a plate glass window?

00:12:46What is that?

00:12:50Maybe you could send it to the National Geographic going,

00:12:52it's the Loch Ness Monster.

00:12:55And some scientist going,

00:12:56my God, I didn't know it had only one eye.

00:13:00Incredible.

00:13:01Well, sorry, I should give this back.

00:13:03Good.

00:13:06You thought I'd fall for that old cameraman upstairs shit.

00:13:10No, okay.

00:13:13I'm safe now.

00:13:17Enough's enough.

00:13:18And now we can do like the old water ballet movies.

00:13:20And number four.

00:13:31People in the back are going,

00:13:32what the hell is he doing on the floor?

00:13:35And doing that carpet sweeper shit.

00:13:36Here you are.

00:13:38I give you your camera back.

00:13:39You may enter the country.

00:13:41Please.

00:13:42How are you?

00:13:43Fine.

00:13:44All right, nice to meet you.

00:13:45Don't be afraid.

00:13:46Pass that back to the lady back there with everything intact.

00:13:50Hold on.

00:13:52It's quiet now.

00:13:53This is the way I like it.

00:13:54Just like when I started off about six years ago in small clubs,

00:13:57two people really drunk on wine going,

00:13:59who the hell is that?

00:14:02It's peaceful.

00:14:03I like it.

00:14:04A couple of my friends back there,

00:14:05people who took like a lot of acid during the 60s,

00:14:07now they're selling Amway.

00:14:12You realize, of course,

00:14:13if James Watts sells off all the national forests,

00:14:16all the animals will be on the freeway going,

00:14:18going to Canada?

00:14:21Little squirrels, little squirrels, little 4x5 lousies.

00:14:23How you doing?

00:14:24How you doing?

00:14:25Hey.

00:14:26How are you?

00:14:28Be a coyote.

00:14:29There'll be coyotes and wolves outside of every apartment building going,

00:14:32your cat's got to shit sometime.

00:14:35Let him out.

00:14:36Come on.

00:14:40Then you'll see,

00:14:41you'll be trying to throw the cat out and the cat's in the doorway going,

00:14:44I don't want to die.

00:14:46I'll use the sand.

00:14:47I don't care.

00:14:52There'll be a big bear down on Market Street

00:14:54wearing a little forest men's cap out there going like,

00:14:56bug the forest fire.

00:14:57Give me a dollar.

00:15:00Look.

00:15:01This is truly beautiful, though.

00:15:02I once saw the real Sistine Chapel.

00:15:04It's wonderful.

00:15:05Look up and see the glory of man and God.

00:15:08Saw two friends from California there.

00:15:10These two guys look like they're there looking up.

00:15:12They see all this wonderment.

00:15:13They look up and go,

00:15:14wow, bitchin'.

00:15:18Then I kind of thought,

00:15:19maybe Darwin was wrong.

00:15:20Oh, no.

00:15:21All right, dear.

00:15:22Look.

00:15:23A little Polish Walkman radio.

00:15:33Somebody's sitting over on the sides going,

00:15:34that ain't that big.

00:15:36I can carry two of those suckers and still drink a beer.

00:15:41It's strange, though.

00:15:42Strange a few months ago on the news

00:15:44and they're talking about the Falcon Island War.

00:15:46Sometimes I get newscasters who get confused and go,

00:15:47today ain't the fuckin' islands.

00:15:49Pardon me?

00:15:52You thought that somewhere off the coast of Brooklyn

00:15:53there was some place called the fuckin' islands.

00:15:56Where you going?

00:15:57I live in the fuckin' islands, okay?

00:15:59How you doing?

00:16:00Fuckin' okay, pal.

00:16:02The only people that lived there

00:16:03were ex-Italian waiters.

00:16:04How you doing?

00:16:05Want me to make you a salad for you?

00:16:06No.

00:16:09And what was the language?

00:16:10What was it?

00:16:11What was it?

00:16:12What was it?

00:16:13What was it?

00:16:14What was it?

00:16:15And what was the language like?

00:16:16Fuckin' A.

00:16:17Fuckin' B.

00:16:18Fuckin' C.

00:16:20You realize, if there was no oil there,

00:16:22they fought a war for sheep.

00:16:25Little Argentinian war brides coming home.

00:16:27Are you Jose?

00:16:30Yes.

00:16:34Strange.

00:16:37Then they're going,

00:16:38how was it for you, my dear?

00:16:39Not bad.

00:16:42But we Americans,

00:16:43we did our part.

00:16:44The English,

00:16:45the English had Margaret Thatcher,

00:16:46who kind of looks like

00:16:47Julia Childs on Valium.

00:16:49Doesn't she always look like

00:16:50she's like, she talks like,

00:16:51first of all.

00:16:53She always looks like

00:16:54someone's holding a small turd

00:16:55under her nose, like,

00:16:56boop, boop.

00:17:00We did our part, though.

00:17:02We sent Alexander Haig

00:17:03down there to negotiate the peace.

00:17:04Wasn't that wonderful?

00:17:05Having Alexander Haig

00:17:06negotiate the peace

00:17:07is like having Charles Manson

00:17:08as a male nurse.

00:17:10Gonna be fine.

00:17:11Ha ha ha ha.

00:17:14Trump's turning him again.

00:17:15Wham, wham.

00:17:16Ha ha ha.

00:17:17Mr. O'Jingles.

00:17:19Did you ever have

00:17:20this strange feeling

00:17:21when Alexander Haig

00:17:22was in office,

00:17:23late at night he'd wander

00:17:24into the Oval Office going,

00:17:25shh, Ron,

00:17:27just let me push

00:17:28one damn button.

00:17:30Oh, Alexander,

00:17:31go in the other room

00:17:32with James Watt

00:17:33and hurt some squirrels.

00:17:34Come on now.

00:17:35I miss Al now.

00:17:36He's gone,

00:17:37probably selling missiles

00:17:38on late night TV.

00:17:39You want a better deal,

00:17:40go see Al.

00:17:41Hey, Alexander Haig's

00:17:42House of Missiles.

00:17:43Come on down.

00:17:44Let me show you something.

00:17:45We've got this lovely ICBM here.

00:17:46They can't hear you coming.

00:17:47Boom, they'll blow

00:17:48the tits off the world.

00:17:49Look at this over here.

00:17:50We've got a designer

00:17:51cruise missile.

00:17:52Ooh, the lava, boom.

00:17:53Look at that there.

00:17:54Look at this one over here.

00:17:55What is a cruise missile?

00:17:56What is a cruise missile?

00:17:57Missile goes,

00:17:58look, a city,

00:17:59let's destroy it.

00:18:09Every time I do that

00:18:10I feel like Richard Simmons.

00:18:11Let's go girls,

00:18:12let's go.

00:18:13Five, six, seven,

00:18:14and move it, move it,

00:18:15move it, move it.

00:18:16The man is so cruel

00:18:17to women and they love it.

00:18:18He goes,

00:18:19you call those tits,

00:18:20I've seen better lumps

00:18:21than oatmeal.

00:18:22Put them together honey,

00:18:23make one good one,

00:18:24let's go.

00:18:25Those are not tabs,

00:18:26those are steers.

00:18:27Let's move it.

00:18:28You may have had

00:18:29an hourglass figure,

00:18:30but your time is up.

00:18:31Let's go.

00:18:32Let's move now,

00:18:33let's go.

00:18:34The man has a house

00:18:35with nothing but closets

00:18:36so he can go,

00:18:37I'm in, I'm out,

00:18:38I'm in.

00:18:40People over here are going,

00:18:41what the hell

00:18:42is he doing there?

00:18:45Ketchup.

00:18:58These are guys that go

00:18:59standing underneath

00:19:00the Golden Gate Bridge

00:19:01waiting for people to jump

00:19:02going, go for it.

00:19:05You might fly,

00:19:06you don't know.

00:19:08Come on,

00:19:09take a chance,

00:19:10don't be afraid.

00:19:11For sure.

00:19:16Speak a new language.

00:19:19There must be a new language

00:19:20called Californese.

00:19:21How are you?

00:19:22I'm just like totally here

00:19:23for a while.

00:19:25It's been like a really,

00:19:26there are only 18 words

00:19:27in Californese.

00:19:28It's like gnarly,

00:19:29for sure, totally.

00:19:30I'm bummed, wow.

00:19:32I'm together for a while,

00:19:33okay, go for it now.

00:19:34Okay, we'll see,

00:19:35bye, bye, for sure.

00:19:38Here we go.

00:19:44White wine,

00:19:45this is a little wine here.

00:19:46If it's not wine,

00:19:47it's been through

00:19:48somebody already.

00:19:50Oh,

00:19:51this is good though.

00:19:52They have,

00:19:53it's so nice,

00:19:54they have white wines,

00:19:55they have red wines,

00:19:56yellow wine.

00:19:58Thank you, my son.

00:20:00You know, a mind

00:20:01is a terrible thing to waste.

00:20:08Won't you help support

00:20:09the United Caucasian

00:20:10College Fund?

00:20:13This is young Bob.

00:20:14Now he's working

00:20:15at McDonald's going,

00:20:16you want some more fries?

00:20:21I wanted in one.

00:20:22You ever go into

00:20:23McDonald's and they say,

00:20:24you want like some McFries

00:20:25or McChampagne

00:20:26or McFleetwood

00:20:27or McJagger,

00:20:28what do you want?

00:20:29No, no,

00:20:30no, no,

00:20:31just give me my check

00:20:32and I'll get the McFuck

00:20:33out of here, okay?

00:20:38Oh,

00:20:39this time,

00:20:41probably,

00:20:42probably this is the first

00:20:43largest sauna

00:20:44I've ever played.

00:20:45I feel like going,

00:20:46now it's going to be

00:20:47a good game,

00:20:48I feel that time,

00:20:49I'll come in a little.

00:20:50Whenever you're doing comedy

00:20:51you feel like a prize fighter,

00:20:52you should be going,

00:20:53yeah, I'm going to duck,

00:20:54I'm going to do this thing,

00:20:55I'm going to do that.

00:20:56Time is not wrapping,

00:20:57you got to come in,

00:20:58you come back to the corner

00:20:59going, how am I doing?

00:21:00You're touching yourself

00:21:01really a lot,

00:21:02you got to get out of there.

00:21:03You really got to

00:21:04cool that shit,

00:21:05you got to come up there,

00:21:06I'm going,

00:21:07I'm going,

00:21:08I'm going.

00:21:09Little tiny cape,

00:21:10oh, I love this.

00:21:11Here's a bullfighter,

00:21:12I told you,

00:21:13don't put the cape

00:21:14in the dryer!

00:21:16Fuck!

00:21:19I cannot fight the bull

00:21:20with this little

00:21:21fucking cape!

00:21:22How am I going to hide

00:21:23this sword?

00:21:24Behind the bull

00:21:25will see the sword

00:21:26and he'll just go like,

00:21:27well, no way today!

00:21:33It's strange

00:21:34being a bullfighter

00:21:35with tight pants,

00:21:36people going,

00:21:37you're Catholic!

00:21:44My God, woman!

00:21:45No, no, no,

00:21:46where did you get this coat?

00:21:48My God,

00:21:49Nanook of Marin!

00:21:52My God!

00:21:54She's a lovely,

00:21:55look at this thing,

00:21:56my God, right now

00:21:57there's a whole bunch

00:21:58of animals going,

00:21:59shit is it cold!

00:22:06Made from kittens

00:22:07around the world!

00:22:10Try this on,

00:22:11I won't get the smell in there,

00:22:12you're taking home

00:22:13the night and the animals

00:22:14will be going,

00:22:15hey!

00:22:16Whoa!

00:22:18Oh, I guess you

00:22:19couldn't afford

00:22:20the bottom fur!

00:22:24I feel like Liberace

00:22:25right now going,

00:22:26just leave me

00:22:27the candelabra, damn you,

00:22:28leave me the candelabra!

00:22:30Wonderful.

00:22:31Robyn's wearing

00:22:32the lovely pants

00:22:33from Hefty Bags!

00:22:36Oh, pretty girl!

00:22:40Hump by Notre Dame!

00:22:43This is incredible!

00:22:44I love these,

00:22:45this is the type of coat

00:22:46you can go,

00:22:47Andre, park the car!

00:22:52Or we can play

00:22:53Elephant Man going,

00:22:54I am not an animal!

00:22:57I am a comedian!

00:23:06Is your,

00:23:07just like your dog

00:23:08ever try and just go,

00:23:09just let me have it

00:23:10for the night?

00:23:11That's a wonderful coat,

00:23:12my God, dear,

00:23:13that's taking

00:23:14a fashion risk!

00:23:17Strange.

00:23:20And we sip some wine

00:23:21now for a moment, dear,

00:23:22a little eraser

00:23:23on the blackboard of life.

00:23:25They're white wines,

00:23:26they're red wines,

00:23:27but why are there

00:23:28no black wines, like,

00:23:30Reggie,

00:23:31a motherfucker!

00:23:33It goes with fish,

00:23:34meat,

00:23:35any damn thing

00:23:36it wants to!

00:23:39Thank you, Lumpy!

00:23:43Isn't it nice to

00:23:44have someone like

00:23:45Minge O'Green

00:23:46advertising it?

00:23:47You better buy this

00:23:48or I'll nail your ass

00:23:49to a tree!

00:23:52But if you ever

00:23:53drink the elite wines,

00:23:54you know,

00:23:55the Pouy Foussé,

00:23:56as we say,

00:23:57downtown pussy,

00:23:58fussy,

00:23:59you always have the guys

00:24:00who taste the wines

00:24:01going,

00:24:02um, yes,

00:24:03mm-hmm,

00:24:04mm, yes,

00:24:05mm,

00:24:06ah,

00:24:07absurd yet flaccid.

00:24:10Come here, over here.

00:24:13But I love

00:24:14the very, very special wines,

00:24:15the wines like

00:24:16Thunderbird,

00:24:18Night Train,

00:24:20the type of wines

00:24:21where you take one sip

00:24:22and your body says,

00:24:23everybody out,

00:24:24two exits,

00:24:25no waiting!

00:24:27Oh, fuck!

00:24:31Some heavy-duty

00:24:32paint thinner

00:24:33in those wines.

00:24:34And always on those

00:24:35bottles of wine,

00:24:36it says like,

00:24:37serve before Friday.

00:24:40In the bottom,

00:24:41it says,

00:24:42serve chilled.

00:24:43And I'm sure a lot of

00:24:44winos come into the store

00:24:45going,

00:24:46pardon me,

00:24:47but this sucker

00:24:48is tepid.

00:24:50Would you deposit this

00:24:51in a refrigeratory receptacle

00:24:52till it's 58 degrees

00:24:53Fahrenheit?

00:24:54I like my wine

00:24:55like I like my women

00:24:56ready to pass out.

00:24:59Now,

00:25:00you just put that in there,

00:25:01I'll be out front

00:25:02whizzing on your doorway.

00:25:08I live in a wonderful place

00:25:09now where they make

00:25:10the wonderful wines

00:25:11up in Napa County,

00:25:12which is up there north.

00:25:14Some of the people

00:25:15from the hospital

00:25:16here tonight,

00:25:20they can't applaud,

00:25:21they're not used to

00:25:22having their hands on them.

00:25:25Yeah!

00:25:27Great show!

00:25:29Great show!

00:25:31One man with his hand

00:25:32in here going,

00:25:33I don't care,

00:25:34let the troops

00:25:35sit down for a while.

00:25:37Now as you pass

00:25:38past Napa Hospital,

00:25:39you look in the back,

00:25:40there's one guy

00:25:41watching the television

00:25:42saying,

00:25:43I want to see

00:25:44the damn World Series.

00:25:50Every time,

00:25:51every time I drive by,

00:25:52they all look at me and go,

00:25:53we'll be here soon.

00:25:55Those are just the doctors.

00:25:59But it's a nice thing,

00:26:00they have a program now,

00:26:01they have the inmates

00:26:02working on the wine,

00:26:03which is wonderful.

00:26:04They have the psychotic

00:26:05stepping on the grapes

00:26:06going,

00:26:07hate this fucking wine!

00:26:09Many depressives

00:26:10tasting it going,

00:26:11it's good.

00:26:12No!

00:26:14Schizophrenics leading tours,

00:26:15let's go this way.

00:26:16No, go this way!

00:26:19Why, why can't they

00:26:20have commercials

00:26:21for schizophrenics?

00:26:22They're TV oriented

00:26:23towards schizophrenics,

00:26:24it'd be nice.

00:26:25Hello,

00:26:26Sybil for American Express.

00:26:29Do you know us?

00:26:30We can't leave home without it.

00:26:46I see you look at me.

00:26:48It's nice when you stretch

00:26:49out that far,

00:26:50some dance in the back

00:26:51of your hat.

00:26:53But can you get up?

00:27:00You got to be careful though,

00:27:01if you're drinking

00:27:02a little too much,

00:27:03you get a little

00:27:04drunky-wunky,

00:27:06and you try and drive home

00:27:07and the police

00:27:08nail your ass.

00:27:09If you're driving

00:27:10in the south,

00:27:11it's usually,

00:27:12stop, Rashi!

00:27:15If you're driving

00:27:16in California,

00:27:17it's usually,

00:27:18when you get out of the car,

00:27:19realize your true potential,

00:27:21if you're driving

00:27:22in San Francisco,

00:27:23the policeman usually

00:27:24gets out and goes,

00:27:25search me,

00:27:26I might have something on me.

00:27:28But you must be careful,

00:27:29especially if you've been

00:27:30smoking a little marijuana.

00:27:32Yes, yes.

00:27:35Yes, the police,

00:27:36the police have a new test

00:27:37to nail you,

00:27:38what they do is

00:27:39they pull you over,

00:27:40they get out of their car,

00:27:41walk towards you like this,

00:27:42will you get out of the car?

00:27:47And you're trying

00:27:48to be cool,

00:27:49you're trying to maintain,

00:27:50like,

00:27:52get in the damn car.

00:27:55If you're doing

00:27:56a little cocaine,

00:27:57the police just go behind you,

00:27:58get in the car.

00:28:00They have a test

00:28:01to see if you've been

00:28:02drinking a little,

00:28:03what they do normally

00:28:04is they pull you over

00:28:05to the side and say,

00:28:06do you realize

00:28:07you're weaving?

00:28:08To which you reply,

00:28:09weave?

00:28:10I don't even knit.

00:28:11At that point,

00:28:12a little baton

00:28:13goes right up happy land.

00:28:15You have to be careful.

00:28:16They have a new

00:28:17drunk driving test,

00:28:18just in case you get

00:28:19pulled over by the police.

00:28:21Be careful.

00:28:22First of all,

00:28:23they make you go like this,

00:28:24make you stop,

00:28:25put your arms out,

00:28:26close your eyes,

00:28:27make you feel like Easter,

00:28:28watch out.

00:28:29Then they go like this,

00:28:30make you touch your nose twice,

00:28:31they go like,

00:28:32start off one, two,

00:28:33and here's the new part,

00:28:34I want you to know this,

00:28:35the new part is to be like,

00:28:36one, two, three,

00:28:37four, five, six,

00:28:38seven, eight,

00:28:39and nine,

00:28:40and fossy fossy one,

00:28:41fossy fossy two,

00:28:42Uganda, Uganda,

00:28:43Uganda, yes.

00:28:44At that point,

00:28:45you just have to look

00:28:46at the officer,

00:28:47and say,

00:28:48fuck it, I'm drunk.

00:28:57Like we all know, though,

00:28:58if alcohol's a crutch,

00:29:00then Jack Daniels

00:29:01is the wheelchair.

00:29:04You roll right over

00:29:05that abyss going,

00:29:06ah-dee-dee-da-dee.

00:29:09Doesn't matter where

00:29:10you're from in the country,

00:29:11you take one sip of Jack Daniels,

00:29:12and you're in the road company

00:29:13in deliverance going,

00:29:14squeak.

00:29:17How about you just

00:29:18dropping them panties?

00:29:19Who cares?

00:29:20Let's go now.

00:29:21You have like eight

00:29:22glasses of Jack Daniels,

00:29:23you forget the English language,

00:29:24you just have one

00:29:25massive vowel movement.

00:29:34If you're lucky,

00:29:35you find someone else

00:29:36that drunk going,

00:29:37ah-dee-dee-dee.

00:29:38You want to go on out,

00:29:39for sure.

00:29:41But you must be careful,

00:29:43because if you drink

00:29:44Jack Daniels,

00:29:45you must pay the price

00:29:46the next morning,

00:29:47because you...

00:29:48Oh, yes.

00:29:50Tell him to take his hands

00:29:51off your breasts.

00:29:57Especially if he's been

00:29:58holding a real cold drink.

00:30:00Come on, Betty,

00:30:01give it up.

00:30:02Ah!

00:30:03It's just me, Sasquatch.

00:30:04Come on!

00:30:06What'd he do?

00:30:07Did he grab you?

00:30:08Are you okay?

00:30:09Or was it

00:30:10just the Memorex?

00:30:11What happened?

00:30:15Did the floor move?

00:30:16Are you okay, honey?

00:30:17Are you all right?

00:30:18Are you sure?

00:30:19Well, we won't go on

00:30:20until you find out

00:30:21if you're okay.

00:30:22Did someone grab you?

00:30:23Or you're just like,

00:30:24you just had a...

00:30:25Oh, should we

00:30:26smoke a cigarette then?

00:30:35Hold on.

00:30:37You all right?

00:30:38You all right?

00:30:39We can go on now, okay?

00:30:40I feel like she's going like...

00:30:46What are we talking about?

00:30:47I got lost now,

00:30:48but sometimes I will do that.

00:30:50Sometimes I'll go off

00:30:51like this and people go,

00:30:52where's he going?

00:30:53I honestly don't know.

00:30:56I'm just like a little squirrel

00:30:57over the Grand Canyon saying,

00:30:58give up the nuts or die.

00:31:01We're talking about

00:31:02Jack Daniels,

00:31:03now it might affect you.

00:31:04The worst thing is,

00:31:05if you've been drinking

00:31:06Jack Daniels all night,

00:31:07that's the price.

00:31:08You get out of bed

00:31:09and all of a sudden you realize,

00:31:10oh shit, gravity works.

00:31:14There you are,

00:31:15there you are

00:31:16and you have to worship

00:31:17at the old porcelain altar.

00:31:31Oh damn,

00:31:32I didn't put the seat up again.

00:31:35And you better pray

00:31:36you have a friend there

00:31:37to help you like,

00:31:38you okay?

00:31:39I'm fine.

00:31:41Just don't flush me, dear God,

00:31:43don't flush me now.

00:31:45And then you make the mistake

00:31:46of going to work.

00:31:49What a fool,

00:31:50because you can hear

00:31:51snails crawl.

00:31:53All of your other friends

00:31:54who haven't drank that night

00:31:55come over,

00:31:56how you doing Bob?

00:31:57Good to see you.

00:31:58Why don't you just

00:31:59eat shit and die?

00:32:01What the fuck?

00:32:02A little Jack last night?

00:32:03Well why didn't you?

00:32:04Oh fuck off!

00:32:08I want to find out

00:32:09where they make that stuff.

00:32:10I want to take a trip

00:32:11down to Lynchburg, Tennessee.

00:32:13There'll be some guy

00:32:14waiting for you down there

00:32:15going, how you doing?

00:32:18Welcome to Lynchburg.

00:32:19Who's that over there?

00:32:23Someone who pissed us off,

00:32:24a comedian.

00:32:25Come on in.

00:32:27You know,

00:32:28my daddy married his sister

00:32:29but it didn't affect me.

00:32:31Come on in,

00:32:32let me take you on a tour

00:32:33of the whole plant.

00:32:38Over here,

00:32:39this is my brother Bob,

00:32:40he's a taster.

00:32:44Here's where we add

00:32:45the secret ingredient.

00:32:51Strange.

00:32:53And sometimes you always

00:32:54see those guys

00:32:55who are truck drivers

00:32:56who are making it across

00:32:57the entire United States

00:32:58in one day

00:32:59and say that they

00:33:00don't take speed.

00:33:04Bob!

00:33:05Bob, that's the ocean up there.

00:33:06Fuck it, I'm going through.

00:33:09I'm going to get these

00:33:10pineapples to Hawaii.

00:33:11Come on now.

00:33:21Or sometimes you see

00:33:22these hats on big guys,

00:33:23men we like to call hunters.

00:33:26Guys you see sometimes

00:33:27in American sportsmen.

00:33:28This week on

00:33:29American Sportsmen

00:33:30we're going to hunt

00:33:31squirrels with a 350 Magnum.

00:33:33We're going to blow

00:33:34their little nuts off,

00:33:35aren't we Bob?

00:33:36Come on now,

00:33:37let the dog get what's left.

00:33:39Then,

00:33:40the real show

00:33:41where they take the major chance

00:33:42is Wild Kingdom.

00:33:44They always cut tomorrow

00:33:45and Perkins going,

00:33:46my assistant Tom

00:33:47will attempt to circumcise

00:33:48a water buffalo.

00:33:51And they cut to Tom,

00:33:52Tom's in the field going,

00:33:53oh Lord.

00:33:55And the big water buffalo

00:33:56going,

00:33:57your ass is mine now clown.

00:33:59You ain't got no gun,

00:34:00you just got that Medicaid shit.

00:34:03Isn't it strange

00:34:04on Wild Kingdom though,

00:34:05they shoot these animals up

00:34:06with something called anesthodox,

00:34:07which is real heavy medication.

00:34:09It's no wonder the animals

00:34:10come back next week going,

00:34:11excuse me.

00:34:14Yeah,

00:34:15I was on the show last week.

00:34:17Yeah.

00:34:22Yeah,

00:34:23fuck the tags,

00:34:24I'd like to be back on again.

00:34:26Yeah,

00:34:27I'll run.

00:34:28Yeah,

00:34:29just roll the camera.

00:34:30Wait a minute,

00:34:31I'm going to run now.

00:34:32Oh damn.

00:34:33Ha ha.

00:34:34You nabbed my ass again.

00:34:37I don't know.

00:34:38And they send these poor

00:34:39medicated animals

00:34:40to the New York City Zoo.

00:34:42Which is kind of like

00:34:43a reform school for animals.

00:34:44You see the lion in his cage

00:34:45going,

00:34:46roar,

00:34:47big fucking deal.

00:34:50It's incredible.

00:34:52They have a little cage

00:34:53full of Kvetching hyenas

00:34:54going,

00:34:55nice day,

00:34:56might be,

00:34:57you don't know that.

00:34:58Little birds in their cages

00:34:59going,

00:35:00filthy screws,

00:35:01filthy screws.

00:35:03Aye.

00:35:04And then,

00:35:05then you always think,

00:35:06I can at least take the kids

00:35:07to see the monkeys.

00:35:09The monkeys are almost human,

00:35:10they're really fun.

00:35:11Come on Tommy,

00:35:12let's go see the chimps.

00:35:13And just as you take Tommy

00:35:14to the front of the chimp cage,

00:35:15the little chimp up front

00:35:16goes,

00:35:17aye.

00:35:19Let's go son.

00:35:20Why dad,

00:35:21I've seen you do that.

00:35:24I know.

00:35:25Easy boy.

00:35:29Also sometimes,

00:35:31you see these hats

00:35:33on guys I like to call

00:35:34weightlifters.

00:35:36You know,

00:35:37you're like your friends

00:35:38the bodybuilders,

00:35:39the guys you see like

00:35:40outside all year round.

00:35:41Guys that like pump iron,

00:35:42shoves an air hose

00:35:43up their ass like.

00:35:47How you doing Bob?

00:35:50You always just want

00:35:51to see one of those guys.

00:35:52How you doing?

00:35:53Oh shit,

00:35:54I cramped up.

00:35:55That's okay,

00:35:56I can make it to the car.

00:35:58But then there's always

00:35:59the big bodybuilders

00:36:00like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

00:36:02Arnold and Cohen,

00:36:03the retailer.

00:36:04Arnold Schwarzenegger.

00:36:05There he is.

00:36:06I always want to say,

00:36:07Arnold,

00:36:08come on now,

00:36:09you take steroids don't you?

00:36:10No way.

00:36:13What is here?

00:36:15What is here?

00:36:20Yes.

00:36:21Niners!

00:36:24This man,

00:36:25this man is a professor

00:36:26at Stanford.

00:36:27Doesn't matter what

00:36:28type of job you have.

00:36:29You may be a PhD professor

00:36:30but all of a sudden

00:36:31you're like,

00:36:32Niner field.

00:36:33Niners!

00:36:34Professor Hibble.

00:36:35Well I like the team,

00:36:36Niners!

00:36:38Forty fucking niners.

00:36:40Forty fucking niners.

00:36:42Thank you,

00:36:43Sister Therese.

00:36:50She and Father Tom

00:36:51are going fucking A boy.

00:36:53Get out there today

00:36:54and tear the titties

00:36:55off the other team.

00:36:57I don't want you

00:36:58to hold back today Jim

00:36:59when you go out there today.

00:37:00And we here at St. Swithin's

00:37:01have a wonderful policy.

00:37:02Let's do that

00:37:03St. Swithin's cheer now.

00:37:04Rick em,

00:37:05wreck em,

00:37:06rock em,

00:37:07rock em,

00:37:09check em out.

00:37:10Be great if there's

00:37:11a high school somewhere

00:37:12in marin county

00:37:13called sansamea.

00:37:15What's the cheer like,

00:37:16wo wow,

00:37:18Wo wow,

00:37:20go for it,

00:37:22right now.

00:37:24Where you play

00:37:25High schools,

00:37:26you play high schools

00:37:27from Oakland like,

00:37:28ra ra ra ra ra.

00:37:30We just gonna nail

00:37:31your honky ass,

00:37:32get out!

00:37:35That's strange people

00:37:36cheerin' now,

00:37:37People cheer now, but where were you six years ago?

00:37:40Where were you six years ago

00:37:41when the 49ers had a quarterback going,

00:37:43we'll hike when the energy's right?

00:37:45When they used to have linemen who'd go like,

00:37:49well, I really can't deal with him,

00:37:51his pressure's too intense.

00:37:54I mean, he just, he wants to run over me.

00:37:55I tried all the moves, I tried the thing,

00:37:57I let him go by, and then I pushed him, get off.

00:38:01Get off the field, I don't need this pressure.

00:38:05What's it gonna be?

00:38:07There's a football strike on now.

00:38:08I mean, what are those guys gonna do for a living?

00:38:10I mean, there's one picket line I don't want to cross.

00:38:13How you doing, Mr. Green?

00:38:14Whoa, you better not miss, I mean,

00:38:16whoa, thank you, Mr. Green, thank you.

00:38:19I mean, what are those guys gonna do?

00:38:19What's the center gonna do now that he's out of work?

00:38:21Work in a fast food restaurant going,

00:38:22your hamburger's ready.

00:38:28What are the referees?

00:38:29What are the referees gonna do?

00:38:30Become like, referees are gonna come go, go, go.

00:38:33Dyslexia is a horrible disease.

00:38:37I was the only child on Halloween to go,

00:38:40hi, trick or trout.

00:38:42So sad to see all the other mothers going,

00:38:44it's the Williams boy, better give him some fish.

00:38:49What are the referees gonna do?

00:38:50Are they gonna become go, go boys?

00:38:51See referees downtown going, look, five yards.

00:38:54Let's go TV, let's go.

00:38:56Don't you know?

00:38:57Flipping now, flipping, come on.

00:38:59That's it.

00:39:07Now, now the 49ers have real linemen.

00:39:10You know what I'm talking about.

00:39:11You know, head, neck, optional.

00:39:15Big men, big men that go like,

00:39:17what do you do today, Billy Bob?

00:39:18Well, basically what I like to do

00:39:19is break through the line,

00:39:21grab a quarterback and say, make a wish.

00:39:26Strange though.

00:39:27What is a center?

00:39:28What position is a man who plays center?

00:39:30What do you say?

00:39:31What do you do for a living, you say?

00:39:32What do you do?

00:39:32Oh, basically I bend over,

00:39:33have a little towel hang over my ass.

00:39:36Must be very compromising

00:39:37when somebody walks up behind you and goes,

00:39:39why haven't you called me?

00:39:43At that point, yo, you're out of here, clown.

00:39:46But also the most important man of all,

00:39:49a little tiny man named the field goal kicker.

00:39:52Usually European with names like

00:39:53Iban Noghalibakidibishabai.

00:39:56And they're usually like this,

00:39:57it's usually like, okay, field goal, $1,000.

00:40:01Okay, field goal, $2,000.

00:40:05Uh-oh, linemen, fuck it, take the ball.

00:40:10But the real important man on the football team

00:40:13we know is the quarterback.

00:40:15Usually,

00:40:17usually men with big hands and big feet.

00:40:21And you ladies know what that means.

00:40:24Yes.

00:40:25Yes.

00:40:27Big gloves and big shoes.

00:40:30These quarterbacks are always shot in slow motion

00:40:32because they're always coming up to the line,

00:40:33and it's always very much instant replay.

00:40:37Whoa!

00:40:40Whoa!

00:40:43Whoa!

00:40:45Whoa!

00:40:47Oh.

00:40:50That is a day, it's a day, it's a day.

00:40:55Falling, I fall, it's sad, boy, I got my inner fat,

00:40:57my sound, my velvet, I'm gonna mess it,

00:40:59I'm gonna mess it, I'm gonna mess it,

00:41:00I'm gonna mess it, I'm gonna mess it,

00:41:01I'm gonna mess it.

00:41:12Oh, shit.

00:41:16Run, run, run, run, damn, damn.

00:41:18Oh, damn, damn, damn.

00:41:20AH!

00:41:35Elliot!

00:41:38Elliot!

00:41:42Ouch!

00:41:44I'm standing on my testicles!

00:41:46It's a very, very tender area.

00:41:55Oh, easy, boy, easy, whoa, easy.

00:41:58It's like a little rodeo pony in there going, let me out, come on.

00:42:02Grab it?

00:42:03No, no.

00:42:04I can't grab him because he'll be going, whoa.

00:42:09Men do that, though.

00:42:10We do grab a little area down here.

00:42:11We don't know why.

00:42:12It's when you're nervous.

00:42:13I see guys who get a little nervous, it's like, gosh, I hope, sorry, honey, oh, dammit.

00:42:20It's a strange beast, I don't know why.

00:42:28Even President Reagan must be, that's why they have a little podium cutting him off.

00:42:30Nancy and I have, no, no.

00:42:31Everyone does.

00:42:32Every man in a nervous situation will be grabbing.

00:42:33That's why they used to tell the baseball players, don't touch that.

00:42:34So I see a lot of guys going, yeah, yeah, okay.

00:42:35I don't know.

00:42:36Yes.

00:42:37Most men can't even call it what it is.

00:42:38You say, what is that?

00:42:39My penis.

00:42:40What?

00:42:41It's my penis.

00:42:42You can't say it, can you?

00:42:43No, I can't.

00:42:44The really macho guys.

00:42:45That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:46That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:47That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:48That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:49That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:50That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:51That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:52That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:53That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:54That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:55That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:56That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:57That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:58That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:42:59That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:00That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:01That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:02That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:03That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:04That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:05That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:06That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:07That's the incredible, heat-seeking, moisture missile.

00:43:09It may not have a conscience, but it does have a memory.

00:43:13Watch out!

00:43:14Fire one!

00:43:15Easy, boy!

00:43:16Whoa!

00:43:17Fire two!

00:43:18Well...

00:43:19Feels like it's leading you around town.

00:43:20I don't care!

00:43:21Oh, easy, easy.

00:43:22And you get, like, sometimes the other guy is adventurous.

00:43:24It's the throbbing python of love.

00:43:28I like to kind of compromise in between.

00:43:29I like to call him Mr. Happy.

00:43:32So if something's going wrong, you can say,

00:43:34Oh, look, he's pouting.

00:43:36Oh, look at him.

00:43:38Oh, oh.

00:43:41God.

00:43:42Hi, peek-a-boo.

00:43:44So nice to know Mr. Happy has luggage, too.

00:43:46Like, where you want these bags?

00:43:48Strange little creature.

00:43:50Oh, no, you look down, you look at him and go, why?

00:43:54I can't wait till they have the metric system, though,

00:43:56so you can go, how big are you?

00:43:57120.

00:44:00You can call me Mr. Tripod now.

00:44:05But why?

00:44:07Why did we evolve with Mr. Happy here?

00:44:09Is it like in the old days, so they can tell times?

00:44:11What time is it?

00:44:12About 12.

00:44:14Oh, well, maybe about 3 now.

00:44:18Oh, yeah, high noon now.

00:44:23Why, why, why couldn't he be right here?

00:44:25Wouldn't it be nice if Mr. Happy were in the middle of your chest?

00:44:28It should make dancing a lot more fun.

00:44:31You'll be dancing going like...

00:44:34Having a nice night, Betty?

00:44:36Yes, I am, Tom, but what's that?

00:44:39Fountain pens.

00:44:42Well, it's leaking.

00:44:43Oh.

00:44:47And it's a strange relationship that men have with Mr. Happy.

00:44:51It usually starts...

00:44:53Oops, here comes my ride.

00:45:02What are we talking about?

00:45:04It doesn't matter.

00:45:05I think it's kind of, once again, we went off that way.

00:45:07The police set me off.

00:45:08It's like that way, I guess, for most people.

00:45:11Look out.

00:45:12Once again, I look out their faces.

00:45:13People say, it's all right.

00:45:15My mother's over there saying, just like the old days, isn't it?

00:45:18Mama knows.

00:45:19Mama used to see me, and she'd tell me these wonderful jokes.

00:45:22My first joke was, I love you in blue.

00:45:24I love you in red.

00:45:26Most of all, I love you in blue.

00:45:31See, Mama, it still works.

00:45:33We come to America with a dream.

00:45:37And look where we buy a house in Tiburon.

00:45:39Oh, yes.

00:45:41Tiburon from the Spanish word tiburón, meaning condominium.

00:45:46Condominium from the Latin word meaning to overcharge for no reason.

00:45:57What we were talking about before, my little friend.

00:45:59You're like me.

00:46:00I know that.

00:46:01Shut up.

00:46:02You're like, come on, come on.

00:46:04But we men know the first time you met Mr. Happy was during a time called puberty.

00:46:08Puberty is when nature says, shake hands with Mr. Happy.

00:46:12You know that.

00:46:14You know, it's like, you know, you're upstairs, usually with a copy of National Geographic,

00:46:18playing Señor Wences.

00:46:20Will you call me in the city?

00:46:22Not tonight.

00:46:23But no one has the real guts.

00:46:25No one has the honesty when you're locked in the bathroom.

00:46:27Your father's knocking on the door.

00:46:28You're in there oiling the old baseball glove.

00:46:31And your father's knocking on the door going, what are you doing in there, son?

00:46:34No one had the honesty to say, going blind.

00:46:44Damn it, I don't care.

00:46:47If it feels this good, I'll take the hair.

00:46:49I don't mind.

00:46:52And then you had the other problems when you're going through puberty.

00:46:55Something called erections.

00:46:57They'd happen at the wrong time.

00:46:59You'd be having your first close dance.

00:47:00All of a sudden, gosh, Becky, nice.

00:47:02Wah!

00:47:04Don't go away.

00:47:07Do you find me repulsive?

00:47:12When actually you felt like a pirate going, ah-har, ha-ha-har.

00:47:15Send the bitch back to me now.

00:47:18Ha-ha-ha-har.

00:47:22Don't be lying to me now, Jim Crack.

00:47:26Ah, but you girls.

00:47:28You girls and Madam Wonderful.

00:47:30Yes, you got to go through puberty riding the mechanical pony in front of the supermarket.

00:47:35Remember that?

00:47:36Wah-ha-ha!

00:47:39Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

00:47:42Mama, can I have another quarter?

00:47:45Susie, that's $8 worth.

00:47:47I know!

00:47:49Oh, this has the perfect motion.

00:47:52Two forward, a little back, and a wonderful wiggle, Mama.

00:47:56I still respect you.

00:48:01It's all right.

00:48:03Strange beast it is.

00:48:05But we all know the ultimate purpose.

00:48:09All that Mr. Happy's exploits.

00:48:12His babies.

00:48:14Isn't it strange that the male of the species,

00:48:16as men, we spend nine months trying to get out of the womb,

00:48:19and the rest of our life trying to get right back in.

00:48:25How?

00:48:26How does one little sperm make it past all that rubber?

00:48:30They must have, like the English war movies,

00:48:31where one sperm gets to the diaphragm and goes,

00:48:33everybody else, over me, keep swimming, go on!

00:48:42Then you get the wise-ass sperm named Otto going,

00:48:45shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

00:48:48Here comes the IUD, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

00:48:53Finally, one breaks through all of that,

00:48:55breaks into the inner sanctum.

00:48:57There's the ovum, going,

00:48:59hello, sailor.

00:49:05At this point, all of a sudden, Carl Sagan walks out and goes,

00:49:07as we peer out,

00:49:09past billions and billions of tiny semen,

00:49:13Wondering how one reaches its final mark, and fetus, don't fail me now.

00:49:19There it is. Little baby going...

00:49:23Ah, how wonderful.

00:49:26Suspended in there, you have your own pool.

00:49:30Always set at a wonderful temperature, whatever mom's feeling that day.

00:49:34How nice. Very quiet.

00:49:36Never have to send out for food, it's always womb service.

00:49:40No, I'm sorry, I said it, it was there, I had to use it.

00:49:44Always have a feeling, little child's in there just waiting.

00:49:48But how lucky can you be as a baby?

00:49:50As soon as you're born, you come out...

00:49:52Are those two titties for me?

00:49:55Oh, yeah!

00:50:01Adjusting the volume.

00:50:05But imagine Dolly Parton's child goes...

00:50:08Kilimanjaro!

00:50:12Yeah!

00:50:14I'm gonna feed the world!

00:50:18I have good news for you.

00:50:20I am going to be a father.

00:50:28You hear that, boy?

00:50:32He aimed straight and true.

00:50:35I feel like William Carell now.

00:50:39I don't know who the mother is, but hey!

00:50:43Oh, gosh, it's wonderful.

00:50:45I have to take these little classes now, Le Mans classes.

00:50:47I'm taking a new one called Le Mans.

00:50:50I'm with two little flags in the operating room going,

00:50:52you're out of there!

00:50:54I have Jackie Stewart in the operating room going,

00:50:55it's a great birth today, Tom, a great birth.

00:50:58Look at that placenta there, Bill, it's gonna be a great thing.

00:51:01Yeah, they're cutting the umbilical now, the little fetuses.

00:51:07And you have the real fun of naming the child.

00:51:09Some people used to name their children out of the Bible.

00:51:11I plan to use the TV guide.

00:51:14Hey, Coljack, Magnum, get in here, girls, let's go.

00:51:18Actually, I think I'll name him, if it's a boy,

00:51:21I'll call him Christopher.

00:51:23Yes, oh, there's a guy named...

00:51:25I bet your name's Chuck, isn't it?

00:51:27Right on, for sure.

00:51:30If it's a girl, I'll call her Christina.

00:51:33Or Christiana.

00:51:35Christiana, that way she could write a book called Daddy Dearest.

00:51:40I can't wait till the child speaks his first words.

00:51:42There you are going, what is it?

00:51:44What is it, Christopher?

00:51:45What are you trying to say?

00:51:47Trust fund.

00:51:54Did mommy teach you that?

00:51:58First birthday party, daddy's going berserk.

00:52:00All right, children, let's try our little comedy routines now.

00:52:02Two Jews walk into a bar.

00:52:04No, father, no.

00:52:06I don't want to do any comedy today.

00:52:08Christopher, come on now, let's try this.

00:52:09No, let me give it a break, dad, give it a break.

00:52:13Come on now, what do you want for your birthday?

00:52:15Power of attorney.

00:52:19Christopher, no.

00:52:21You go up to your room and play with a rubber chicken.

00:52:24You're going to be funny today.

00:52:25Come on now, try this.

00:52:26What, nini nini isn't good enough for you?

00:52:28Popeye isn't good enough for you?

00:52:29Popeye wasn't good for anybody, who are you kidding?

00:52:36You go up to your room now, young man, and you'll be funny today.

00:52:39No, dad, fuck that, I'm going up to my room alone again.

00:52:43Then Christopher grows older.

00:52:45He's 21, he's leaving the house.

00:52:49Dad?

00:52:50Chris, don't worry today.

00:52:52Come on now, hey.

00:52:55Pop, that's real sick.

00:53:01I'm leaving the house, Pop, I'm just not sick about it.

00:53:03Oh, you're going to be one funny comedian.

00:53:05Fuck that, dad.

00:53:08I'm going to be a scientist, father, I'm going to cure herpes.

00:53:13Mr. Smartypants, Mr. Bigshot now.

00:53:16Nini nini, you couldn't go out, you couldn't be funny, eh?

00:53:19The three houses wasn't good enough for you, huh?

00:53:21The fucking ranch wasn't good enough for you, huh?

00:53:23What's wrong with you, boy, what's wrong with you?

00:53:25Take care, Pop.

00:53:27Like you always said, let the asshole have the last word.

00:53:29What do you mean, let the asshole?

00:53:31You nailed me, you little shit.

00:53:33Come back here, damn you, Christopher.

00:53:37And he goes away.

00:53:39I go on a drinking spree.

00:53:43I end up downtown in the city.

00:53:46How are you?

00:53:47Remember me?

00:53:48Nini nini.

00:53:52Pardon me, can you spare $40,000 a week?

00:53:56Oh, I don't care what you say.

00:53:58I'm going to find out where that asshole Nielsen lives.

00:54:02The little guy with the box who likes the shows.

00:54:05Damn it, I don't care.

00:54:07I clawed my way to the middle and I fucked my way down.

00:54:11I don't care, damn it, I don't care.

00:54:14Right now I'm feeling single and drinking doubles.

00:54:17Oh, Jesus.

00:54:25Pop, I've come to take you home.

00:54:29Christopher?

00:54:31You don't want to take me home.

00:54:34You don't want me.

00:54:36Yeah, I do, Pop.

00:54:38Let's go.

00:54:39Hey, Dad.

00:54:48Hey, Dad.

00:55:01You realize every time you're in a Japanese restaurant eating sushi,

00:55:06there's a little Japanese man in the back going,

00:55:08Ha ha, they ate it.

00:55:12Maybe you want some hot wine to go with it.

00:55:16Ha ha ha.

00:55:18I looked up sushi in a Japanese dictionary.

00:55:20It means dumb fuck.

00:55:22Raw fish.

00:55:24You don't see a lot of Japanese visiting going,

00:55:25Ha ha, give me some of those parasites.

00:55:27I'll steam and hunker that for you.

00:55:29But we don't know.

00:55:30I mean, there won't be another Pearl Harbor.

00:55:31We won't hear them coming.

00:55:33We'll have little Walkman radios on going,

00:55:34Wow, bitchin'.

00:55:36In Japanese movies, the dubbing's designed to mess you up too.

00:55:40You always see Japanese movies like,

00:55:42Quickly, we must leave the village now.

00:55:46Makes you want to smoke a joint.

00:55:48Oh, hey, it fits.

00:55:49It's okay.

00:55:51Ha ha ha.

00:55:54We have an announcement before we go on.

00:55:56Will the owner of the DeLorean car,

00:55:59will you please check your trunk?

00:56:01I think you'll find your rebate.

00:56:03Ha ha ha.

00:56:08Sure gives new meaning to toot the old horn.

00:56:12Oh, strange.

00:56:13I don't know.

00:56:14Oh, that cocaine.

00:56:15Somehow it always disappears somewhere.

00:56:18Some guy going,

00:56:19Well, Tom, where'd the 240 pounds of coke go?

00:56:21Sorry, Sarge, I left the window open.

00:56:25Must have blown out during the night.

00:56:28And then you see like thousands of animals,

00:56:29people walking down the street going,

00:56:30Hey, great day, great day, great day.

00:56:34Little cats over there.

00:56:37Hey, fuck the kibble.

00:56:38I'll just stand here for a while.

00:56:43I don't know.

00:56:44Cocaine's such a bizarre thing.

00:56:46You always see like six or seven guys

00:56:48crammed into one small stall.

00:56:50And then you hear them all come out and they're,

00:56:51Oh, here's this.

00:56:53Then one guy has to go,

00:56:54Flush.

00:56:55Let's walk out.

00:56:59And you always see the guys going,

00:57:00You think there's any speed in this?

00:57:01No, no speed.

00:57:04You look like Howdy Doody on acid.

00:57:07Yeah, I'm fine.

00:57:08Want to go back to your seat?

00:57:09Yeah, let's go back to our seats now.

00:57:13Hey, yes, we know what they're doing in there.

00:57:16They're doing the devil's dandruff.

00:57:20The Peruvian marching powder.

00:57:23You're doing cocaine in there, we know.

00:57:25You know, cocaine is God's way of saying

00:57:27you're making too damn much money.

00:57:28You know that.

00:57:30Yeah.

00:57:33Yes, indeedy-doo-dah.

00:57:35You have to be careful there.

00:57:37You know, because also the wonderful side effects of cocaine.

00:57:39Oh, like the paranoia and the severe impotence.

00:57:41Oh, yeah.

00:57:43It's nice.

00:57:44You do one little toot of cocaine.

00:57:45All of a sudden, Mr. Happy's going,

00:57:46I'm melting.

00:57:49You and your damn cocaine.

00:57:52And then you're lying in bed going,

00:57:53Showtime, showtime, come on.

00:57:56He's doing his impression of on the waterfront.

00:57:57I could have been somebody, I don't know.

00:58:03And you finally have to turn to your lover and go,

00:58:04It's not mine.

00:58:07I don't know whose this is.

00:58:08This is a stand-in.

00:58:09Oh, it's a limp-in.

00:58:10I don't know whose it is.

00:58:12And sometimes people get a little paranoid.

00:58:15You do a little cocaine, you start to get a little paranoid.

00:58:17Your friends always come and say,

00:58:18You okay?

00:58:19Yeah, I'm fine.

00:58:20A little paranoid?

00:58:21No, why the fuck do you ask?

00:58:22Everybody else, everybody else.

00:58:24And you find yourself standing looking out the window going,

00:58:25No one's there still.

00:58:32Finally, your dog walks in the room going,

00:58:33You okay, man?

00:58:37Listen, if there was someone out there,

00:58:38I would have barked by now.

00:58:50And then the people have this stuff that's cut

00:58:51with the wonderful things like Maniche or something else.

00:58:53And sometimes people have the good shit, too,

00:58:54where they go,

00:58:55Here, try this, man.

00:58:56Come on.

00:58:59What was in that, man?

00:59:00Fiberglass.

00:59:04I didn't think you'd notice.

00:59:05No, man, I like bleeding like that.

00:59:07That's fun.

00:59:09Yes, and then you make the big mistake.

00:59:11You try and go to bed.

00:59:16You feel like a vampire on a day pass.

00:59:22You're lying in bed in a big pool of your own sweat

00:59:24with Buddy Rich on your heart going,

00:59:32And you have conversations like this,

00:59:33Yeah, I'm fine.

00:59:34Redundant, redundant, redundant, redundant, redundant, redundant.

00:59:36Yeah, redundant, redundant, redundant, redundant, yeah.

00:59:38Redundant, redundant, redundant, redundant.

00:59:45And then, then you think,

00:59:48I'll take a Quaalude.

00:59:49I'll be fine.

00:59:52Oh, taking a Quaalude,

00:59:53that's like throwing bricks in the grand can.

00:59:57Quaalude's such an anti-evolutionary drug.

01:00:00It's so strange you see a girl

01:00:01who's taking two or three Quaaludes

01:00:02in a lipstick room going,

01:00:03Is my makeup on?

01:00:06I don't know.

01:00:09You can always save money on Quaaludes.

01:00:10You want to save money on Quaaludes?

01:00:11Just take a ball-peen hammer and go,

01:00:15Has the same effect.

01:00:16It's English optional.

01:00:19Then you make the ultimate mistake.

01:00:20You walk outside,

01:00:23and every animal in the world

01:00:24knows that you're fucked up.

01:00:27Even the birds are going,

01:00:28Ah! Ah!

01:00:31Mr. Hitchcock, please!

01:00:35Finally, I saw once my cat ate a Valium.

01:00:39So sad, so little kitty,

01:00:41he ate the Valium.

01:00:42So I'm sitting over in the corner

01:00:43looking at his paws going,

01:00:44Me?

01:00:46Oh shit, I knew how that went.

01:00:48Oh yeah, meow!

01:00:50For sure.

01:00:53You ever come home late at night,

01:00:54turn on your light,

01:00:55your cat's in the cat box going,

01:00:56Turn off that damn light!

01:01:00All right, I'm going to put the shit everywhere.

01:01:06My cat got revenge on me though.

01:01:08My cat got revenge because one morning,

01:01:10Mr. Happy woke up before I did.

01:01:14The cat was laying on the end of the bed and went,

01:01:16A mouse!

01:01:19Oh! Oh Lord!

01:01:23Oh, nothing more painful in the world

01:01:25than prying those four little claws.

01:01:27Especially when the cat's going,

01:01:28Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

01:01:31That's when I invented the catapult.

01:01:36The cat thought he was safe too,

01:01:38hit the wall and went,

01:01:39Oh shit, Teflon!

01:01:43But you know your cat doesn't care about you.

01:01:46He doesn't care about you if it's warm.

01:01:48Sure, he'll be nice.

01:01:50If it's cold outside,

01:01:51he'll run up against your leg going,

01:01:52I love you.

01:01:55But it's like late at night,

01:01:56usually five o'clock in the morning,

01:01:57all of a sudden your cat wanders downstairs going,

01:01:59Gotta go outside.

01:02:02You better open the door.

01:02:05I'm going to take a dump on the rug.

01:02:08You know, the shag carpet.

01:02:11You rub your ass downstairs,

01:02:12you open the door,

01:02:13the cat goes,

01:02:14Later.

01:02:16You think, now I can go back to bed.

01:02:17No, no.

01:02:18Kitty has more surprises for you.

01:02:21Because Kitty goes out and finds

01:02:22the only other cat in heat in 800 miles

01:02:25and has the sex of a lifetime

01:02:26under your bedroom window.

01:02:29Sitting under there going,

01:02:30Oh yes!

01:02:32More forepaw!

01:02:33Right here!

01:02:35Oh no!

01:02:36Oh, get it up!

01:02:38Oh, name the kittens after me!

01:02:42Then he has the audacity

01:02:43after fucking his brains out

01:02:45to come home at six o'clock in the morning going,

01:02:47Gotta come back in now.

01:02:50I better come in.

01:02:51I'm going to fuck up the screen.

01:02:54You haul your ass downstairs,

01:02:55open the door again,

01:02:56the cat's going,

01:02:57How you been?

01:02:59Usually your dog's over here going,

01:03:01Oh, you're going to get it now.

01:03:03Oh, drawl.

01:03:04Oh boy, they're going to kick you.

01:03:05Oh, your cat just walks past your dog going,

01:03:07You asshole.

01:03:15You never,

01:03:17you never see a cat go,

01:03:18you never see a cat out in like

01:03:19a major park going,

01:03:20Hey, a frisbee.

01:03:24They never go for that stupid shit.

01:03:25It's always the dog going,

01:03:26I'll do it.

01:03:28What do you want me to do?

01:03:29Oh, piss on a tree?

01:03:30I don't care.

01:03:31Jumbo, oh,

01:03:32want me to swim in the water

01:03:33and get the dead bird?

01:03:34I'll do it.

01:03:36They have the dogs that work

01:03:37and that like to smell out drugs.

01:03:38Those dogs are lucky though.

01:03:40End of the day,

01:03:41you see the dogs sitting in their kennels going,

01:03:42Hey, great day, wasn't it, Damon?

01:03:45Yeah, Bob, yeah, I know.

01:03:46I knew Rennie,

01:03:47he and I were like this, Damon.

01:03:49I don't know.

01:03:50Then you see the dogs.

01:03:51They're the dogs who work in the bomb squad going,

01:03:53I don't want to die.

01:03:56I've got puppies to feed.

01:03:59But how?

01:04:01How do they ever make

01:04:02little dogs like Pekingese?

01:04:04How do they make a Pekingese?

01:04:05How do they make a Pekingese

01:04:06that someone would say,

01:04:07Oh, look, a dog

01:04:08that's hit in the face with a shovel.

01:04:14Strange little dogs.

01:04:15They all sound like they have asthma too.

01:04:20I have a strange dog.

01:04:22I have a dog called a Malamute.

01:04:24Yes.

01:04:26The dog is so mellow.

01:04:27The dog is just the kindest,

01:04:28doesn't even bark,

01:04:29just goes, wow.

01:04:32I have a little California cat

01:04:33that goes, me-wow.

01:04:35We used to have a little New York cat,

01:04:36didn't even meow,

01:04:37just go like,

01:04:38what do you want from me?

01:04:40Yeah, it's strange.

01:04:41But in New York though,

01:04:42they have rats that are so damn big

01:04:43they sit outside the apartment buildings going,

01:04:44here, kitty, come on, man.

01:04:47Na-na-na-na-na-na.

01:04:57If you ever lived in New York,

01:04:59if you ever lived in New York,

01:05:00you come home late at night,

01:05:01you turn on your light,

01:05:02in your apartment,

01:05:03there's 17 cockroaches by the refrigerator going,

01:05:04hello, my honey, hello, my baby.

01:05:07The two biggest cockroaches of all

01:05:08are standing by the refrigerator going,

01:05:10big can of Rade in their hand going,

01:05:12ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

01:05:15Damn shit.

01:05:20You cop a buzz yet?

01:05:23Let's go over there

01:05:24and stay in that Roach Motel.

01:05:26They go in the Roach Motel,

01:05:27there's a big black widow spider going,

01:05:28I got something for your ass.

01:05:31Praying mantis wandering out going,

01:05:32Hare Krishna.

01:05:43So strange, Perrier.

01:05:45What a wonderful strange thing.

01:05:47Every time you're drinking it,

01:05:48the French are going,

01:05:49ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

01:05:52Send them to designer jeans,

01:05:53they bought the water,

01:05:54send them some other shit,

01:05:55don't be afraid.

01:05:57They used to advertise Perrier

01:05:58as being something

01:05:59from the bowels of the earth.

01:06:00Boy, mm-hmm.

01:06:02That makes me want to have

01:06:03a steaming glass of that.

01:06:05Just send me some Perrier.

01:06:06Ooh, hoo-dee-doo-da, ha-ha.

01:06:09Yes.

01:06:11We've got a man out here tonight

01:06:12named John Sebastian.

01:06:14Wonderful.

01:06:20He was at a place,

01:06:21a wonderful place,

01:06:22remember Woodstock

01:06:23where they had big,

01:06:24ha-ha-ha.

01:06:25He used to have those announcements, too,

01:06:26that we have a child here

01:06:27named Rainbow.

01:06:30She's looking for a mother,

01:06:31his name is Eclipse.

01:06:34We also have a Volkswagen

01:06:35parked out front.

01:06:37Please come get your car,

01:06:38it's unraveling.

01:06:40There's some bad acid

01:06:41going around,

01:06:42so be effective, see?

01:06:43Nyah, come on,

01:06:44ah-ah, brrr, nyah.

01:06:47That's a strange drug.

01:06:48You know that those people

01:06:49left some acid on the ground,

01:06:50the cows ate the acid

01:06:51the next morning,

01:06:52the cows are going,

01:06:53ah, ah, ah.

01:06:55Some of my friends,

01:06:56I have a few friends

01:06:57who've taken so much acid,

01:06:58you still see them

01:06:59sitting at stoplights going,

01:07:00oh, shit, another color.

01:07:03God.

01:07:06Or psilocybin,

01:07:07there's a wonderful crazy thing.

01:07:10Little mushrooms,

01:07:11you take some psilocybin

01:07:12and all of a sudden

01:07:13everybody looks like

01:07:14the Michelin boy.

01:07:16How you doing, Tom?

01:07:17We're in Macy's

01:07:18Thanksgiving Day Parade.

01:07:21Whoa.

01:07:23Tell somebody who isn't on

01:07:24psilocybin comes going,

01:07:25hey, you're not having

01:07:26a good time.

01:07:27Oh, no.

01:07:31Sorry I got off on that,

01:07:32but I feel like,

01:07:33hey, who cares?

01:07:35Hey, don't go now,

01:07:36don't go,

01:07:37you're going to miss

01:07:39Okay, we'll wait.

01:07:46No pressure.

01:07:50Let's put on that

01:07:51closed circuit video.

01:07:54Ah, she'll be back

01:07:55in a few minutes.

01:08:01Go see if she's okay, will ya?

01:08:06She might be dead in there,

01:08:08damn it, the poor woman

01:08:09might be trapped.

01:08:11Her name is Allison?

01:08:12Allison?

01:08:13Allison.

01:08:14Allison, this is the police,

01:08:16we know you're in there.

01:08:20Allison, if you come out,

01:08:23we won't have to have a fight,

01:08:24Allison, come on out.

01:08:26We're going to throw in

01:08:27some stuff in there

01:08:28if you're not coming out, Allison.

01:08:29We've got the dogs out here.

01:08:32Allison, we brought your mother.

01:08:34Allie, come out.

01:08:38Allie, come out

01:08:39of the bathroom now, girl.

01:08:41Allison, we brought

01:08:42Rabbi Tom with us, too.

01:08:44Allie, what are you doing in there?

01:08:47Ever since you've been

01:08:48hanging out with the shiks,

01:08:49has you been a different girl?

01:08:52Allison, damn it, girl,

01:08:53come out.

01:08:54She's safe in there.

01:08:55To her, it's okay,

01:08:56I'll find her.

01:08:58Feel like those native guys.

01:08:59Oops, this man's backing up

01:09:02and these people are going,

01:09:03oh, shit, we paid good money

01:09:04to get stepped on.

01:09:06Hold on, I've got you,

01:09:07don't be afraid.

01:09:08No, come on in.

01:09:09Sorry, well, she's gone now.

01:09:13Well, I guess

01:09:14she won't be coming back.

01:09:16She won't be needing this then.

01:09:25Oh, this is nice.

01:09:26Now they're going to go,

01:09:27is she going to go find her?

01:09:29She's okay, it's all right.

01:09:31Slowly but surely,

01:09:32Allison,

01:09:33I don't know what happened

01:09:34to the club.

01:09:35One woman went out

01:09:36and the rest followed her.

01:09:37What happened?

01:09:38I don't know,

01:09:39it was like that.

01:09:40Finally, he was left on stage

01:09:41going, who was that woman?

01:09:45She went away.

01:09:46It was Mrs. Happy?

01:09:50You hear that, boy?

01:09:53This is,

01:09:54welcome to the Sierra Club's

01:09:56first annual roast.

01:10:01She's back.

01:10:03Allison, you're safe.

01:10:08You're safe.

01:10:09Oh, how are you?

01:10:12Oh, my God.

01:10:14I didn't think she'd come back.

01:10:18And now your friend

01:10:19is trapped in there now.

01:10:21Oh, my God,

01:10:22I can see them

01:10:23in the afternoon news

01:10:24going, Allison finally

01:10:25reappeared today.

01:10:27Another wonder

01:10:28of club performing.

01:10:30Oh, sorry,

01:10:31we just did five minutes

01:10:32on Yance.

01:10:33I guess that shows you

01:10:34where my act's at, I guess.

01:10:37Doing five minutes

01:10:38on a poor innocent woman

01:10:39going back to the bathroom.

01:10:40I know many of you

01:10:41are thinking,

01:10:42thinking,

01:10:43well, thinking,

01:10:44either one.

01:10:45You know, Uncle Ronnie

01:10:46has a plan,

01:10:47he's just not telling

01:10:48any of us.

01:10:49Ever look at Ronald Reagan

01:10:50and say,

01:10:51my God,

01:10:52that man's severely medicated.

01:10:53I think Nancy's

01:10:54been dubbing him for years

01:10:56and haven't told us yet.

01:10:58Ever notice?

01:10:59He doesn't speak

01:11:00while she's drinking water.

01:11:05But yet, you know,

01:11:08there's a wonderful thing

01:11:09he does.

01:11:10There's the space shuttle.

01:11:11There is a space shuttle

01:11:12up there,

01:11:13it's so good to know

01:11:14if there's ever a nuclear war

01:11:15there'll be three men

01:11:16in space going,

01:11:17what was that noise?

01:11:20And every time

01:11:21they send up the space shuttle

01:11:22the toilet's back up.

01:11:24Why can't they deal

01:11:25with cosmic caca?

01:11:27Every time they're up there

01:11:28there's usually an announcement

01:11:29like, uh, yes,

01:11:30squiggly one night.

01:11:31Uh, we have a warning here.

01:11:32Uh, what is it, Bob?

01:11:34We have a major problem here

01:11:35with our feces recycling system.

01:11:39Uh, Bill,

01:11:40can you be more specific?

01:11:41All right, sir,

01:11:42the shit's hit the fan up here.

01:11:44And the fan's on high

01:11:45if you catch my drift.

01:11:48You know that

01:11:49a toilet backing up

01:11:50in zero gravity

01:11:51is like, wow!

01:11:53Caca, L-S, caca.

01:11:57No, it's running

01:11:58through the computer, too.

01:11:59We've run it

01:12:00through the computer, Bob?

01:12:01Yes, sir.

01:12:02What'd it say?

01:12:05Jiggle the handle?

01:12:10Fuck that,

01:12:11we're going outside.

01:12:14You ready, Bill?

01:12:15Yes, sir.

01:12:16What giant step for mankind,

01:12:17what great relief for me.

01:12:22Mr. Happy in Space.

01:12:33Let it rip, Bob.

01:12:38You better reel it in,

01:12:39you're on TV.

01:12:44Fire one.

01:12:45Whoa, damn, whoa!

01:12:47He's, whoa,

01:12:48he's a tether me in, Bob,

01:12:49tether me in.

01:12:51Look,

01:12:52I'm writing my name

01:12:53over the entire Soviet Union.

01:12:54Look at that.

01:13:00Strange.

01:13:02Russian farmers

01:13:03the next day going,

01:13:04I guess,

01:13:05who are you,

01:13:06that Yamakai guy?

01:13:07It was nice.

01:13:08Now look,

01:13:09this is what I was trained for.

01:13:11I was trained to be an actor.

01:13:12This is it.

01:13:13I know I wanted to do Hamlet.

01:13:14I really could have done it

01:13:15except when I was at school once.

01:13:17That's why they threw me out,

01:13:18I guess.

01:13:19I was doing Hamlet,

01:13:20and I went,

01:13:21alas, poor Yorick,

01:13:23strike!

01:13:26And Hausman,

01:13:27John Hausman,

01:13:28his last words to us,

01:13:29it was always nice when he said,

01:13:31the theater needs you.

01:13:33I'm going off to sell Volvos.

01:13:37There you go.

01:13:39I wanted to be a method.

01:13:40I could,

01:13:41and I couldn't.

01:13:42I wanted to be just like those people

01:13:43where they wanted to teach us

01:13:44to enunciate every word,

01:13:46to speak like this,

01:13:47like Richard Burton

01:13:48for those Equus beer.

01:13:51I will need this beer

01:13:52more than you need this beer.

01:13:54Maybe like,

01:13:55I could have been a method actor,

01:13:56maybe,

01:13:57maybe like Dustin Hoffman,

01:13:58maybe like Al Pacino.

01:13:59Then I could do it like Al Pacino

01:14:00when he did Richard III.

01:14:01It was like,

01:14:02ma,

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01:18:49The doctor says I wasn't allowed

01:18:50to have any oral sex for a month.

01:18:51Hold on.

01:18:52I

01:18:53am

01:18:54a

01:18:55guardian

01:18:56comedian.

01:18:57If

01:18:58you're

01:18:59riding

01:19:00Bart

01:19:01and someone

01:19:02shows you

01:19:03Mr.

01:19:04Happy,

01:19:05simply

01:19:06look at him

01:19:07Laughter is the best form of birth control.

01:19:09Ha, ha, ha, ha!

01:19:16I always feel like two smoothies for the goon.

01:19:18All right, men.

01:19:20Today we need somebody to do something...

01:19:23somebody to do something incredibly fucking dumb today.

01:19:27We all drew straws, and you, Lumpy, you're the one to do it, aren't you?

01:19:31Well, sir, I don't care as long as you pay me before I go.

01:19:35Ah, Jimbo, I want you to jump out of the plane

01:19:39wearing nothing but your kilt and no underwear.

01:19:41Laughter

01:19:43That way, boy, you'll know the meaning of something wonderful.

01:19:45Laughter

01:19:47Whee!

01:19:49Whee!

01:19:51Whee!

01:19:53Sorry, sounds like I have a cat in a blender.

01:19:55Whee!

01:19:57Whee!

01:19:59Whee!

01:20:01Sorry, right now there's probably some Scotchman in the back going,

01:20:03you better withdraw that one, boy.

01:20:05Laughter

01:20:07I read some of your press releases.

01:20:09You said you were born in Edinburgh, you little lying shit.

01:20:11Laughter

01:20:13Where were you born, boy?

01:20:15Where were you born?

01:20:17Laughter

01:20:19Right now I'd like to do very...

01:20:21This is Elmer Fudd.

01:20:23Sing Bruce Springsteen.

01:20:25Laughter

01:20:27Whee!

01:20:29Whee!

01:20:31Whee!

01:20:33Whee!

01:20:35Whee!

01:20:37Whee!

01:20:39I'm driving in my car.

01:20:41Laughter

01:20:43I turn on the radio.

01:20:45Laughter

01:20:47I pull you a little closer.

01:20:49Laughter

01:20:51You say no.

01:20:53Laughter

01:20:55You say you don't like it.

01:20:57Laughter

01:20:59You say you don't like it.

01:21:01Laughter

01:21:03I say you're a liar.

01:21:05Laughter

01:21:07But when wicked

01:21:09Laughter

01:21:11It's like fire.

01:21:13Laughter

01:21:15Good night, everybody.

01:21:17Laughter

01:21:19Whee!

01:21:21Whee!

01:21:23Whee!

01:21:25Whee!

01:21:27Whee!

01:21:29Laughter

01:21:31Whee!

01:21:33Whee!

01:21:35Whee!

01:21:37Whee!

01:21:39Whee!

01:21:41Whee!

01:21:43Whee!

01:21:45Whee!

01:21:47Whee!

01:21:49Whee!

01:21:51Whee!

01:21:53Whee!

01:21:55Whee!

01:21:57Whee!

01:21:59Whee!

01:22:01Whee!

01:22:03Whee!

01:22:05Whee!

01:22:07Whee!

01:22:09All right, boys, boys, boys, come over here.

01:22:11Father, we're all straight here.

01:22:13Come over here.

01:22:15Paper, get your paper here.

01:22:17Read all about it.

01:22:19Bo Derek puts magnetic beads in hair,

01:22:21follows bus for a mile.

01:22:23Paper.

01:22:25Paper, read all about it.

01:22:27Nancy Reagan teases hair higher than national debt.

01:22:29Paper.

01:22:31Paper, read all about it.

01:22:33Get your paper here.

01:22:35Keep moving.

01:22:37Go to human car wash I love.

01:22:39Paper.

01:22:41Paper, read all about it.

01:22:43Paper, read all about it.

01:22:45Paper, read all about it.

01:22:47Paper, read all about it.

01:22:49Paper, read all about it.

01:22:51Paper, read all about it.

01:22:53Paper, read all about it.

01:22:55Paper, read all about it.

01:22:57Paper, read all about it.

01:22:59Paper, read all about it.

01:23:01Paper, read all about it.

01:23:03Paper, read all about it.

01:23:05Paper, read all about it.

01:23:07Paper, read all about it.

01:23:09Watch out for that.

01:23:11She's a psychic one.

01:23:13Whoa, watch out.

01:23:15Whammo, you don't even know you've been had.

01:23:17Let's go.

01:23:19Pardon me, Mr. Williams, I'll close the door here.

01:23:21Jesus, what are you doing on Broadway?

01:23:23Hey, you've been walking in some of those

01:23:25porno movie houses.

01:23:27You better be careful.

01:23:29Mr. Williams, come here.

01:23:31Mr. Williams, will you look at this weird

01:23:33shit I got to sell?

01:23:35Will you look at this stuff?

01:23:37I didn't think so.

01:23:39Mr. Williams.

01:23:41Mr. Williams, will you look at some of these magazines?

01:23:43Look at this. Here's your favorite magazine, Mr. Williams.

01:23:45Look, The Enquirer. Watch out.

01:23:47Yeah, Mr. Williams.

01:23:49You know, Mr. Williams, a funny thing.

01:23:51Look at the headline on this Enquirer.

01:23:53Man locks himself in refrigerator, eats own foot to survive.

01:23:55Yeah, Mr. Williams.

01:23:57You know a funny thing, Mr. Williams?

01:23:59I put a copy of The Enquirer in my cat box,

01:24:01and my cat won't go in there.

01:24:03Yeah, it just looks up at me and says,

01:24:05Yeah, Mr. Williams.

01:24:07Come in here, Mr. Williams.

01:24:09Mr. Williams, look at this.

01:24:11Look over here, Mr. Williams.

01:24:13Look at this one here. Limited nuclear war possibility.

01:24:15Hey, won't that be fun, Mr. Williams?

01:24:17Wow.

01:24:19I mean, who's going to win a nuclear war?

01:24:21One guy with two heads going, we won, didn't we? We won.

01:24:23Mr. Williams, wouldn't it be nice, Mr. Williams,

01:24:25if they could fight wars with comedy?

01:24:27Wouldn't it be nice, Mr. Williams?

01:24:29Seeing guys go into combat carrying a little rubber chicken,

01:24:31your mama.

01:24:33Instead of landmines, they have little whoopee cushions.

01:24:35They got Tommy. Oh, no.

01:24:37Yeah.

01:24:39You see that, don't you, Mr. Williams?

01:24:41Yeah.

01:24:43Hey.

01:24:45Come here, Mr. Williams.

01:24:47You've got to take better care of yourself.

01:24:49What are these, road maps of Iowa? Come here.

01:24:51Come here.

01:24:53Be quiet for a second, Mr. Williams.

01:24:55Look at this. I've got something special to show you.

01:24:57You know, most people got autographs of movie stars.

01:24:59I've got something special for you.

01:25:03Look at this one, Mr. Williams.

01:25:05It's an autographed picture of Albert Einstein.

01:25:07Yeah?

01:25:09Remember what he said, Mr. Williams?

01:25:11He once said,

01:25:13my sense of God is my sense of wonder about the universe.

01:25:15See that, Mr. Williams?

01:25:17Look at him. Look at his eyes.

01:25:19There's a guy you see the lights are on

01:25:21and everybody's home.

01:25:23Here you go, Mr. Williams.

01:25:25You got a bun in the oven now,

01:25:27so you need this.

01:25:29You better take care of yourself.

01:25:31When I was born, you passed it on to your kid.

01:25:33Yeah.

01:25:35That way they see somebody that does it, you know?

01:25:37See the light.

01:25:39Yeah, you better go now. Come here.

01:25:41Let me let you out this way.

01:25:43Don't mind the girl clapping around.

01:25:45Don't let those people bother you.

01:25:47Mr. Williams.

01:25:49Mr. Williams, some advice to you.

01:25:51You're going to have to have an operation one day

01:25:53to have your hand removed from there.

01:25:55Yeah.

01:26:01You know, play with people,

01:26:03not yourself so much.

01:26:05Maybe you should just get a little microphone

01:26:07so you can hold that for a while.

01:26:09Okay, Mr. Williams, take care of yourself there.

01:26:11You know, look at his face.

01:26:13You know, the man knew.

01:26:15That guy you got in your hand, he knew.

01:26:17Take care.

01:26:19Mr. Williams, no, I don't want a tip.

01:26:21I got a tip for you, Mr. Williams.

01:26:23Thank you.

01:26:35Don't leave home!

01:26:53Wow!

01:27:17That was fun.

01:27:19See you later.

01:27:21See you later.

01:27:23You going to stay in town tonight?

01:27:25I'll head to the ranch tomorrow.

01:27:27Night.

01:27:29Good night. Thanks again, Ralph.

01:27:37Oh, Mr. Williams.

01:27:39Hey, ninny ninny, huh?

01:27:41Is that you, Pops?

01:27:43Yeah, yeah, it's me.

01:27:45How are you?

01:27:47It's been a long time.

01:27:49What happened? Sears blow up?

01:27:51Boy, you're a crazy bastard, you are.

01:27:57That wouldn't happen to be me up there.

01:27:59Oh, no way.

01:28:01Because I talk out of this side of my mouth.

01:28:03The only reason I'm talking out of this side is just to mess you up.

01:28:05Pass you in both lanes.

01:28:11You remember the old days.

01:28:13You'd sit there and sit and talk to me.

01:28:15I remember I saw something in your eyes then.

01:28:17I saw something beyond.

01:28:19I saw it. I did. I saw it there.

01:28:23You talked about what we talked about.

01:28:25That's real nice.

01:28:27I had to.

01:28:29I just think you don't have to talk about it anymore.

01:28:31I brought you a little surprise.

01:28:37You deserve a little taste of reality now and then.

01:28:39I think it's just so...

01:28:41I brought you the real McGill.

01:28:43Look at that.

01:28:45Hey, Einstein.

01:28:47That's not Alfred there. That's Albert.

01:28:49Albert Einstein.

01:28:53Very special man, wasn't he, Mr. Williams?

01:28:55He knew.

01:28:57Yeah.

01:28:59It's yours now.

01:29:01You're going to be the keeper of the flame.

01:29:03Come on.

01:29:05Be afraid it's not going to burn or something.

01:29:07Here, come here. There you go.

01:29:09Yeah.

01:29:11See, you keep it for a while.

01:29:13Then you give it to your little one.

01:29:15They grow up and they give it to someone special.

01:29:17That way he keeps going on.

01:29:25Yeah, what is it going to be, boy or girl?

01:29:27Hey, maybe both.

01:29:29Then you can call it he-she.

01:29:31Well, get going.

01:29:33Thanks for talking to me. It's nice you don't forget.

01:29:35You're a crazy bastard.

01:29:37Good to see the lights are still on.

01:29:39Strange, isn't it?

01:29:41I've seen a lot of shit go down, boy.

01:29:45Wait a minute.

01:29:47Let me walk with you, please.

01:29:55You know, Mr. Williams,

01:29:57what's right

01:29:59is what's left

01:30:01if you do everything else wrong.

01:30:03Ain't that a bitch?

01:30:05Yeah.

01:30:07Yeah, it is.

01:30:11Oh, Mr. Williams.

01:30:13Sure, boy.

01:30:15You know, I was on Broadway.

01:30:17Yeah, yeah, I was.

01:30:19Sold papers on 42nd and Broadway.

01:30:21Hey, you're a gullible guy, aren't you?

01:30:23Yeah, you know.

01:30:25I'm like that, aren't I?

01:30:27Crazy. Crazy kind of life I live.

01:30:29All right, Mr. Williams.

01:30:31I was a comedian once, you know that?

01:30:33Knock, knock.

01:30:35Who's there?

01:30:37Nobody.

01:30:39But someone so smart,

01:30:41sometimes you're like up to your ass, aren't you?

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