3rd Rock from The Sun 2x18 - I Brake for Dick
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00:00so you uh know about the spring dance next week right yeah yeah yeah what why
00:11you want to go I don't care oh good wait so you're not asking me to the dance no
00:21as usual you have no clue what I distinctly heard you say that you did
00:28not just leave quietly I don't understand what's to understand killer
00:39and get a new one no no no no no you can't do that see you got to get a new
00:45one and then you kill her
00:49it's like the book says be prepared the official Boy Scout guidebook who are the
00:56Boy Scouts they're an elite prepubescent paramilitary society and
01:01I'm gonna follow their ways but Harry you're neither elite nor prepubescent
01:06all in good time all in good time Wow what are you doing ants they're
01:12everywhere well you can't kill them I'm breeding them oh that makes sense I'm
01:19going for my merit badge in insect husbandry so you've turned my kitchen
01:23into an ant farm no the ant farm is under your bed the kitchen is more of a
01:28lounge area here we are nice and say hello dick's a little shaken up I was
01:44driving along radio blasting wind rushing through my gorgeous hair and
01:50suddenly out of nowhere what he hit a chipmunk a chipmunk what like one of
02:03those little Disney rats okay we rushed him to the finest veterinarian in all of
02:09Rutherford but it's touch-and-go and these damn doctors won't tell me what's
02:13really going on you named it chippy yeah well I think it's kind of catchy
02:20to be the chipmunk to be the cheerful chipmunk the tragedy of chippy the
02:26cheerful chip
03:13traveling at 45 miles per hour collides with the object be a tiny chipmunk
03:25bring him here eight ounces now who can calculate the psychological toll this
03:33bloody collision will take on the driver
03:39dr. Solomon you hit a chipmunk yes
03:46please just tell me would you like me to ask you to the dance are you asking me
03:54to the dance no I'm asking you if you want me to ask you to the dance okay
04:00all right August would you like to go to the dance with me that depends are
04:06you just asking me cuz I'm mad at you yes don't bother so Tommy don't have a
04:15date for the dance well uh I'm not sure well if you don't I hope it's not too
04:24forward if I ask no to go with my friend Beth a proper tourniquet should
04:36minimize the blood flow to the affected extremity
04:43this dance thing is nuts it's like the NFL draft August took her offer off the
04:48table so now I'm a free agent now if I can't convince her to sign me back I'm
04:51gonna get drafted by the Rutherford uglies I can't believe the arbitrary way
04:58that humans decide which animals to revere and which to eat nothing more
05:03than a barbaric popularity contest take the koala bear cute and cuddly have you
05:09ever heard of a koala burger a koala dog koala falafel no the noble cow whose
05:19only sins are her pendulous teats and redundant stomachs doomed to be sawed
05:25into freezer friendly chunks and sold by the pound to the bloodthirsty masses
05:29all right everybody out I got some killing to do you're not killing
05:38anything you are forbidden to harm one single and now that's a direct order I'm
05:48sorry was I asleep when you turn into a big wussy this has nothing to do with me
05:54being a wussy Chippy has opened my eyes as of today this apartment is a cruelty
06:02free zone lieutenant I order you to rid this house of any items made at the
06:06expense of our four-legged brethren we shall have no animal products no animal
06:10byproducts and you shall not buy any animal byproduct or products have I made
06:16myself clear uh-huh come on man there's work to be done
06:21hello Rutherford Animal Clinic yes this is Chippy's daddy are there any signs of
06:40improvement oh I see what did he get the basket of acorns I sent over I'll
06:47check back in an hour Oh Mary I think you'd better sit down what is it Chippy
06:55made it through the night but the doctors say when he comes out of the
06:57coma he may only have 20 to 30 percent of his tree climbing ability you know it
07:05would help if you stop thinking about it and stop talking about it but it's my
07:09fault come on dick this has been going on forever first man invented the wheel
07:16and then he invented roadkill I mean most people wouldn't have even slowed
07:24down much less stop to perform mouth-to-mouth there's some frat guys
07:29out in the quad harassing a bison oh my god why'd you do that because it's just
07:37so easy you know I need a woman's point of view for something um my girlfriend's
07:44not speaking to me because I didn't ask her to a dance mmm send her flowers she
07:49once told me that flowers reminded her of the morbid stench of death okay well
07:55how about a gift maybe a nice makeup kit oh she sees makeup as a way for the
07:59arrogant misogynists to decorate the women they own and turn them into you
08:03know like vacuous playthings I bet you two have a lot of fun that's all you got
08:10what do I look like dear Sandy who's dear Sandy the advice lady from the
08:14paper you know like dear Sandy I'm a whiny little teenager with girlfriend
08:19problems and the only person I can bug about is my dad's stunning Nubian
08:23secretary yeah yeah yeah could you write that down for me sure you mean the
08:27stunning Nubian part
08:38all right what you doing just following orders get rid of all the meat products
08:44oh I can't watch wait just a second what are you wearing
08:48mmm binoculars no the coat my coat yeah it's fur animal fur give me the coat no
08:54no animals were harmed in the making of this coat yeah I'm sure some llama just
09:00unzipped his fur and said thank God Harry Solomon won't be cold this winter
09:05plausible an order's an order
09:11shut up okay
09:18oh here excuse me it's after six you can give my chipmunk the pain shot now dr.
09:24Solomon I was going to oh good I go ahead just a few minutes oh please it's
09:29after six it's after six I don't see why you'd have this pain sir I will get to
09:34it in a minute it's time for his shot you understand do something he only had
09:39to hold out until six in his past six he's in pain my chipmunk is in pain give
09:44him the shot you understand me you're gonna have to behave if you're my chipmunk
09:48the rabbit comes out of the hole runs around the tree winks at the sailor
10:03finds God and voila a perfect straight knot Harry I need your opinion read my
10:13dear sandy letter I changed some of the specifics so nobody knows it's me I have
10:18a problem my girlfriend I'll call her Betty wants me to ask her to the dance
10:22I being a wealthy Korean businessman
10:28this is crap pardon my Korean
10:36what's that sandwich what's in it lettuce I'm gonna have to search that
10:42sandwich what's this mayonnaise so mayonnaise has eggs in it eggs are not
10:56meat well they would be if you didn't kill him for mayonnaise I'm gonna have
11:00to destroy this contraband ah what's that on your shoe mayonnaise no no no
11:10it's leather your shoes are made of leather and leather shoes come from
11:16leather cow listen easy there hot rod let's not get crazy about this maybe I
11:22got a little carried away here Harry have your sandwich back I think dick
11:27might like to have a little look the salad bar is fantastic Mary yeah I don't
11:40think we'll ever get tired of eating this way
11:42beats cauliflower seasoned croutons plain croutons did I mention beats so
11:50nice oh no what you ordered surf and turf and they brought you steak and
11:55lobster a waiter that's what surf and turf is I thought it was water and grass
12:05Mary how could you how could you do this to chippy I'm not eating chippy not now
12:14but where will this carnage end sit down and eat your beats all right I think
12:22it's great that you have made this wonderful life-changing decision not sit
12:30here and let you berate me for living my life my way
12:39okay
12:42I am hereby liberating these lobsters
12:52and they can take your legs but they'll never take your freedom
12:59come on but you're gonna have to run faster than that I'll help you
13:17goodbye old friends we've had some great times together huh I never thought I'd
13:26wear you but you went with everything and you you were 50% off when we met
13:32remember that I do and you you silly fun open-toed things you gave me bunions but
13:44damn you made my gams look great I think I'll miss you most of all dear Sandy is
13:50ignoring me Harry listen to this angry in Akron response
13:54conflicted in Cleveland response she even responds to yeast infection in
13:58Youngstown what kind of parent names their kid yeast infection look at me I
14:11am a hundred percent animal free nothing was killed in the making of these
14:15garments following your pointless and stupid orders I have rid this house of
14:20every animal product my shoes good work lieutenant Sally are those all your
14:29shoes yeah uh-huh and you're quite sure of that yes every shoe you will then how
14:39do you explain me while completing my merit badge in water conservation I
14:45found these taped to the inside of the toilet I've never seen those before in
14:52my life you won't be needing those anymore as of today I am issuing animal
15:01friendly footgear flip-flops they are very stylish and they make the most
15:06delightful slapping sounds you like slapping sounds I'll show you slapping
15:12sounds now if you'll excuse me I'm taking these shoes to a cowpastor to
15:19give them a proper burial I'd like to thank you all for being gracious enough
15:34to come witness this magical moment this is so beautiful just let the rat go
15:40it's cold out it's a chip I'll call it what it is dammit three days ago at
15:48exactly 638 p.m. two lives were forever changed but in the aftermath of that
15:56violent collision a flower of hope blossomed and that hope ignited a flame
16:03of inspiration which fueled a desire that inspired a dream
16:10chippy your sacrifice was truly a gift you opened my eyes to a whole new way of
16:16life and now I give the gift of life back to you
16:22goodbye my friend suddenly this planet doesn't seem quite so cruel after all
16:31look at that beautiful majestic bird hey hey you leave him alone hey run chippy run
16:39you get away from him you winged beast ah nice arm dick oh my god what have I done
16:47I think you just killed that endangered peregrine falcon
16:54I'm a menace to my fellow creatures well you can't save every living creature some live some die
17:04that's just life happens that's just animals what about us we are animals we eat like animals sleep
17:10like animals have sex like animals especially after a bottle of tequila oh yeah just be
17:17grateful you're at the top of the food chain and nothing eats you oh yeah what about that shark
17:21and jaws he's so scary fine have it your way the whole world is just one giant savage smorgasbord
17:30and if you don't like it I'm afraid you're just gonna have to build a rocket and jet off to some
17:34kinder gentler planet oh yeah no that would be the easy way out I have to face it I'm nothing more
17:40than a death machine well you're also a life machine you created a life Tommy oh I had nothing
17:48to do with that come on you had a little something to do with it if it weren't for you he wouldn't be
17:54here that's true I did bring him into this world I mean life has a way of balancing things out oh
18:03you're right Mary you're part of a great cycle there's a time to live a time to die a time to
18:13sew a time to reap time to reupholster and a time to keep the furnishings you have just brighten
18:20them up with a few throw pillows something like that you know I'm suddenly feeling very creative
18:28really
18:36did you kiss that dead chipmunk
18:38not on the lips
18:41what you making a spear I'm making a sharpened stick
18:55I must have three cows worth of shoes in here I cannot wait for you to go on your next insane
19:04kick so I can get all new pants you get me a new coat I know we just dug your old one out of the
19:10trash after what are you doing here dear Sandy I didn't ask my girlfriend to the dance and now
19:23she's mad at me it was a mistake and I do anything in this world to make her happy signed
19:29regretful in Rutherford it was like the pen was connected straight to my heart see what the dance
19:40see you nice letter Tommy I didn't write it then who did a scout never expects praise for a good
19:52deed exactly your story it's uncanny I know a good deed is its own reward come on boys who wants
20:01meat I do I do hey good scout here mean and I wrote the letter it was me it was me yep it's red
20:16dead and cornfield what's that lieutenant and then bomb you think that's gonna kill the end
20:24no not working so far
20:26could you pass the bacon?
20:48come on honey come on dear
20:50be safe in here with uncle Dick
20:54Dick where did you get that dog?
20:56some old guy with dark glasses was pushing her down the sidewalk
21:04okay that's it you are officially out of control