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00:00Good morning, Dr. Albright.
00:16Oh, Nina, call the florist and tell them no carnations.
00:19I want those flowers that look like birds' heads with a stick stuck in its eye, you know
00:22the good ones.
00:23What's going on?
00:25Oh, she's having some big affair.
00:28You tramp!
00:29Dick, it's a catered affair.
00:32You're cheating on me and your diet?
00:35No.
00:36The North Rutherford Country Club is planning its charity auction, and I volunteered my
00:41house.
00:42I didn't know you were in a club.
00:43Well, they haven't asked me to join.
00:44Not yet.
00:45Oh, they have the most wonderful health spa, not to mention pool, tennis, golf, spa cuisine.
00:51Not that that's important.
00:52Oh, no.
00:53I'm doing this for charity.
00:55Oh, what charity?
00:56Oh, something for kids.
00:58Orphans, I think.
00:59I've got so much to do.
01:00I hope I haven't left anything out.
01:02Well, let's see.
01:03You've kissed butts, sucked up, fawned over, and stroked them.
01:06A little wine and cheese, and it's party time.
01:08Nina, where's my guest list?
01:10On my desk.
01:11Oh, I'll go get it.
01:14What is wrong with her?
01:15She's climbing the social ladder.
01:17The what?
01:18I'm sorry, Nina, I don't understand ebonics.
01:24No.
01:25You know, you try to fit in with a group of people by pretending you're just like them.
01:28You talk like them, you act like them until they think you're one of them.
01:31You know what that's like.
01:32No!
01:33No, I don't!
01:34And neither does Tommy, Sally, and Harry.
01:36No!
01:37We're not social climbers.
01:38We're humans!
01:39Oh, I invited so many people.
01:40I hope my place is big enough.
01:41Oh, I have an idea.
01:42Why don't you have your meeting in my place?
01:44Your place?
01:45Ah.
01:46Well, see, Dick, most of the people are coming from North Rutherford, and your place is all
01:53the way over on the other side of town.
01:55But the buses run until nine.
01:58What she means is you live on the wrong side of the tracks.
02:00That's not what I'm saying.
02:02Out loud.
02:03What?
02:04Well, it's just that I've tried so hard to get these people to accept me that I don't
02:07want to invite them to my boyfriend's attic with his unusual brother and angry Amazon
02:14sister in the heart of the meatpacking district.
02:18No offense.
02:19Huh.
02:20None taken?
02:21Good.
02:22Good.
02:23Good.
02:52Oh, that's gotta hurt.
03:01This is an incredible sport.
03:02These guys must be the best athletes on earth.
03:04Well, they don't call it professional wrestling for nothing.
03:07Oh!
03:08Turn off the TV.
03:11Oh, but Dick, it's your favorite.
03:14The Grave Digger.
03:16I don't care who it is.
03:19We're not...
03:20Oh, look, he's got a new shovel.
03:24Do you think we live on the wrong side of the tracks?
03:26What are you talking about?
03:27The tracks are right over there.
03:29We lived on the other side of them and we'd have to wait for the train to pass every time
03:32we went to the liquor store.
03:35Hi, hi, hi, hi.
03:36Did I miss the grudge match?
03:38Mrs. Zubcek, have you ever been to North Rutherford?
03:41North Rutherford?
03:42Sure.
03:43I once had a fling with a pool boy up there.
03:46Lovely cabana.
03:47Very nice.
03:49What's so special about it?
03:50Well, it's a very different class of people there.
03:53Different class?
03:54You mean not homo sapiens?
03:57Oh, no, they have their artsy types, too, but they're very discreet.
04:05Hey, Sal.
04:07Hey, Elman, Romano.
04:09How's it going, guys?
04:10You are dead, Solomon.
04:11What did I ever do to you?
04:12You bust out laughing in math class any time we say anything.
04:15Yeah, but guys, only the really stupid stuff.
04:19If I had only bothered you guys, believe me, I won't do it again.
04:23Hello?
04:25Anybody out there?
04:27This is not funny.
04:32Hi.
04:33Are you okay?
04:34Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
04:36How are you?
04:37Hey, don't let those guys bother you, huh?
04:38They're just having fun.
04:39Oh, yeah, I know.
04:40We had a few laughs last week when they pantsed me in the cafeteria.
04:45You are not.
04:46Oh, yeah, I know.
04:47I was in math class last year.
04:48Oh, right.
04:49What happened to you?
04:50I passed.
04:57You know, Lorna, I realized something sitting in that locker.
05:01What was that?
05:02I really should wash my gym shorts more often.
05:05What's that?
05:06Oh, nothing.
05:07It was some stupid poetry I wrote.
05:09Can I read it?
05:11It's not very good.
05:13Oh, come on, come on.
05:14Whatever.
05:17Last night, Death signed my yearbook.
05:21Have a good summer, he wrote.
05:23See you next year.
05:25And then I realized it wasn't my yearbook he signed.
05:28It was my tombstone.
05:31What do you think?
05:33I liked it.
05:35Especially the surprise ending there.
05:37You are the first one to get the irony.
05:43Uh, Death sent me an e-mail.
05:48There's a motif here, right?
05:51Yeah.
05:57Mr. and Mrs. St. Clair, so good to see you again.
06:01We have met before.
06:03Oh, yes, several times.
06:06We were trapped in an elevator for six hours.
06:10Doesn't ring a bell.
06:12I pried open the roof and climbed two stories to get help.
06:17Oh, yes.
06:18Oh, yes, she had on those awful leatherette boots.
06:27Hello, Mary.
06:28I brought you a box of wine.
06:31I don't drink that.
06:33Well, then why do you keep running out of it?
06:35Give me the damn box.
06:38I'll have a glass of Merlot.
06:40And I'll have a nice Hawaiian punch.
06:45Don't believe we've met, Edgar St. Clair.
06:47Don't believe we've met, Edgar Allan Poe.
06:50But, uh, but I'm Dick Solomon.
06:54And what do you do, Mr. Solomon?
06:56I'm in, uh, physics.
07:00Mr. St. Clair.
07:01Physics, eh?
07:03You know, I always thought if I hadn't gone into business,
07:05I'd have done something in physics.
07:07And if you had wheels, you'd be a boss.
07:13Actually, I own several bus lines.
07:15Really?
07:16Then all you need is the chassis.
07:22How's everything here?
07:24Perfect, thank you, Mary.
07:27No, thank you for coming.
07:30It's my pleasure.
07:31Oh, no.
07:32It's my pleasure to have you here.
07:38Thank you again.
07:42So sad.
07:44Yeah, she's trying so hard.
07:46You can almost smell the desperation.
07:48Oh, no, no, I think that's her dog.
07:54You are a ticket.
07:55Say, you must come by the club.
07:57The boys should meet you.
07:58It'll be a kick.
07:59Oh, good.
08:00Can I kick back?
08:05Oh, hi, Lorna.
08:06Bye, Lorna.
08:07Back for more genius?
08:08Dead Einstein.
08:10Will you guys stop?
08:11You just want to beat him up because he's smart.
08:13So?
08:15Now, wait a minute, guys.
08:16She's right.
08:17See, if you think about it, if I'm smart,
08:18and you guys are morons,
08:20and nothing personal,
08:21wouldn't it make more sense
08:22for you to use my intelligence to your advantage?
08:26Huh?
08:27Here, let me use a visual aid.
08:29Take that kid.
08:30Okay.
08:32This one?
08:33Uh, yeah, yeah.
08:34Yeah, now, see, um,
08:35you'd probably like to beat him up, right?
08:37Definitely.
08:38Yeah.
08:39See, it shouldn't,
08:40because his sister's dating the third floor hall monitor,
08:42and if you beat him up,
08:43you'll never be able to ditch chemistry.
08:48We don't take chemistry.
08:49Oh.
08:51But now you can,
08:52and you'll never have to go.
08:56See?
08:57Told you he was smart.
08:59We don't have to take chemistry.
09:05Yeah.
09:15Singapore Sal, the Iron Maiden, circles her prey.
09:18Her opponent, Handsome Harry,
09:20circles nervously,
09:21hoping to avoid yet another serious injury.
09:25Ah!
09:26Ah!
09:27Ah!
09:35You're good.
09:38Real good.
09:41Ah, well, hello, pair of hooligans.
09:46Who's the dork?
09:47Oh, Harry Solomon.
09:48Nice to meet you.
09:50Come on, guys.
09:51Where you going?
09:52Out on the roof.
09:53What you gonna do?
09:54You know, burn stuff, throw junk at cops.
09:56All right, have a good time.
09:59Hey, how's it going?
10:00To the O!
10:01How's it going?
10:02To the O!
10:04I like his friends.
10:06Nice kids.
10:07I know, me too, sweetie.
10:23Boy, it started it.
10:25So, how was your party?
10:26Did you play pin the tail on the Bentley?
10:28No, mostly we just played pin the cheese on the cracker.
10:32Exciting party, huh?
10:33Exciting? It was awful.
10:35I had a two-hour conversation with someone about Cornish gay men.
10:41Are you sure it wasn't Cornish game hen?
10:43That's what I said, Cornish gay men.
10:44Aren't you listening?
10:48Good morning, everybody.
10:50Dick wasn't last night fun.
10:53Have you ever met a group of more interesting people?
10:56Here, Mr. St. Clair called.
10:57Oh, Mr. St. Clair called.
10:59That's so exciting.
11:00What did he say?
11:01He said to call him back.
11:02Oh, isn't that sweet?
11:03Mr. St. Clair wants me to call him back.
11:05What do you think I should do?
11:06Call him back.
11:07Oh, right, right.
11:13Ah, yes, is Mr. St. Clair in?
11:15Mr. St. Clair, Mary Albright.
11:17Hi!
11:19What?
11:20Oh, I'd be honored to come.
11:22Who?
11:23Dick?
11:25Ah, well, sure, I'll bring him.
11:28Yes, he is that.
11:31No, thank you.
11:33No, no, thank you.
11:37Dick, this is so exciting.
11:38The St. Clairs want to invite us to their club tomorrow night.
11:40Tomorrow?
11:41I-I-I can't.
11:43What?
11:44Why not?
11:45Well, for openers, tomorrow is spaghetti and waffle night,
11:48and the whole family's going mad with anticipation.
11:50Can't you cancel?
11:51Well, and break their little hearts, no.
11:53Sally's already made the pesto syrup.
11:56So, bring them along.
11:59Oh, Dick, I really want to go.
12:00And they really want you to be there.
12:02Why?
12:03Oh, they like you.
12:04They think you're fun.
12:05Oh, please, for me.
12:08All right, fine, Mary.
12:10For you.
12:11Oh, thanks.
12:12I appreciate it.
12:14No, that's okay.
12:15We're having spaghetti and waffles tonight.
12:18Hey.
12:19Hey, look.
12:20Hey, Tom, sorry, man.
12:21It was just an accident.
12:24All right.
12:26You don't sweat it.
12:27Get lost now.
12:28All right.
12:29Hey, Solomon.
12:30Let's get out of here, man.
12:32Wait, where are you guys going?
12:33We're going to go set off the fire alarm.
12:36Why?
12:37Why?
12:38Because the alarm's going to go off.
12:40Why?
12:41Because the alarm's going to go off.
12:42Why?
12:43Because the alarm's going to go off.
12:44Why?
12:45Because the alarm's going to go off.
12:46Why?
12:47Because the alarm's going to go off
12:48and there's going to be kids running everywhere
12:49and they're going to have to evacuate the whole building.
12:51Yeah, that's right.
12:55It made more sense the first time you explained it to me.
12:58No, Solomon!
12:59Damn, you suck.
13:06No, that's not it.
13:08That's not it.
13:09No!
13:11All right.
13:14Headbutts, you ready?
13:16Allie!
13:18Harry!
13:19Listen up.
13:20This is very important.
13:21We've been asked to hobnob with the creme de la creme
13:24of Rutherford's elite.
13:25Hmm.
13:26Well, I'm okay hob-wise.
13:27It's the knob part what concerns me.
13:30It's very important to Mary.
13:31We've got to make a good first impression.
13:33Whatever.
13:34Now, Sally.
13:35Edgar St. Clair's nephew, Buzzy, will be there.
13:37He has a face like a horse.
13:38I want you to charm him.
13:40I'll bring a carrot.
13:43Harry, you will pose as Sally's wealthy cousin.
13:46Ah!
13:47Am I well-bred?
13:48You're over-bred.
13:49In fact...
13:50In fact, you're mute.
13:51Mm, all righty.
13:52Oh, I mean...
13:55Very well, Sally.
13:56They already adore me,
13:57but you must strive to be accepted by these people.
14:00Accepted?
14:01Dick, have you forgotten how hot I am?
14:04I mean, good-looking women are accepted
14:06at more places than American Express.
14:09And Belch, the alphabet.
14:10Men with PhDs would be asking me to tutor their kids.
14:14Great news.
14:15I am now the coolest punk in school.
14:17Oh, congratulations.
14:18What did you do?
14:19I got suspended for setting off the fire alarm.
14:22They suspended you for that?
14:24You saved hundreds of lives.
14:25No, no, no.
14:27That's the best part.
14:28There was no fire.
14:30Tommy, this is outrageous.
14:32The next time you set off a fire alarm,
14:34you damn well better start a fire first.
14:37I can never do anything right for you now, can I?
14:47I'll be right down.
14:50Have you noticed?
14:51What?
14:52There's no TV in this room.
14:56Then why does that exist?
15:00Okay.
15:02How do I look?
15:03Oh, you look great.
15:04See?
15:05How do I look?
15:06Oh, very nice.
15:07But not great.
15:08You look great.
15:09No, you would have said great if I looked great.
15:10No, you look fantastic.
15:11You're right, too busy.
15:12I'll go change.
15:14There's no TV in there either.
15:16There is no TV anywhere on the ground floor.
15:20That explains why she's so weird.
15:23That's why them hoity-toities didn't like her party.
15:26Got no TV.
15:29How does she live?
15:30Well, actually, she gets a lot of information from books.
15:34Good.
15:36Sometimes she even reads for entertainment.
15:39What, like TV Guide?
15:41No.
15:48Girls are home.
15:49Mary, the only accessory you need is me.
15:53I'll go get the scarf.
15:58Hey, Lorna.
15:59Hi, Tommy.
16:00Hey, where were you today?
16:01Home.
16:02I'm just here picking up some books because I was suspended.
16:06Bye, Tommy.
16:07Wait, where are you going?
16:09Tommy, I liked you because you were smart.
16:11Now you're just like Elman and Romano.
16:14But you hang out with Elman and Romano.
16:16They have cars?
16:20Now you're just like them, but without a car.
16:23Well, the only way I can change back, I can be smart again.
16:26I'll be having my butt kicked by tomorrow afternoon, really.
16:28Here, stuff me in a locker.
16:30If only we're that easy, Tommy.
16:33She can never go back.
16:35They've seen it a million times.
16:45So, Dick, this weekend, any chance we can squeeze an 18-hole?
16:48Depends how big are the holes.
16:52So you're saying that when a 300-pound soprano
16:56and a 250-pound tenor dress in funny costumes
17:00and take 15 minutes to die, that's art.
17:02But when the gravedigger takes on the caped Canadian, that's trash?
17:07I'm sorry, I don't get it.
17:09Well, my point is the cultural histoire...
17:12Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, talk is cheap.
17:13Let's go outside and settle this thing.
17:17Why do they call it bacon?
17:18You don't bake it, you fry it.
17:20Why the devil can't they call it fry company?
17:23Am I right, Jackie?
17:24You know, I think he's on to something.
17:28So, I made a brief stop over in Spain and then...
17:30Really?
17:32I understand the plains of Spain experience.
17:35Mainly rain.
17:42I'm really impressed with Dick.
17:43He's got the meeting out of his hands.
17:45Yeah, I tried that once and got bit by a goat.
17:48Oh, look at me.
17:50All my life, I've been on the outside looking in.
17:53Now I'm on the inside.
17:55You want to go outside?
17:56Never again.
17:58I'm going outside.
18:01Mmm, that much?
18:02I'm afraid you were taken, my friend.
18:04Was I?
18:05Yes, I only paid $20 for mine and it's a Rolex, too.
18:08The trick is to buy it straight off the truck, no overhead.
18:13Have you listened to him?
18:16Have you listened to him?
18:17Who?
18:18The nutty professor.
18:20Lord knows which rock St. Clair found him under.
18:24Remember when he invited the Dutch transvestite to read our palms?
18:27And where did he get that accent?
18:31May I have your attention, please?
18:33Dickie has just informed me about something
18:36and I think everyone should hear it.
18:38Thank you, Eggie.
18:39I don't mean to panic anyone,
18:42but I'm afraid the calamari is infested with baby squid.
18:49Dick, suddenly I'm not feeling very well.
18:51Mary, you didn't eat the calamari, did you?
18:54Yes, that's it.
18:55Oh, my, we've got to get you out of here, Harry.
18:57Sally, bring the car around.
18:59I'm sorry, boys.
19:00Go to Ames Gray.
19:01Ta-ta.
19:04Mary, you're spoiling our fun.
19:06You know, if I were you and had your money,
19:10the first thing I'd do is hire a good surgeon
19:13to have that huge cob removed from my butt.
19:17You may have your little clubhouse,
19:20but none of you is truly happy.
19:23Actually, we are.
19:27Well, then, some of you are fat.
19:32Oh, Mary, what a wonderful evening that was.
19:35The ambiance, the people, the repartee.
19:38I hated it.
19:39Oh, wasn't it dreadful?
19:41I thought you were having such a good time.
19:43Mary, I wanted to stick a chilled salad fork into my eye.
19:47I don't know what I ever saw in those people.
19:49I guess I spent so much time trying to impress them
19:52that I never stopped to realize
19:53that they weren't worth impressing.
19:55You're worth impressing.
19:58You know one thing I did like about them?
20:00What?
20:01Their shrimp puffs.
20:02I didn't have any.
20:03Oh, no, no. I've got some right here.
20:05Oh.
20:08Oh, wait, wait.
20:09I have dipping sauce.
20:12No, thanks.
20:13Oh.
20:18You know, in a way,
20:19it's a shame things didn't work out better.
20:21After all, they...
20:22They're not the same.
20:24It's a shame things didn't work out better.
20:26After all, they...
20:27They seem to like everything you do.
20:30Not everything.
20:47Surprise!
20:49Oh, my God!
20:50Now you have a TV on the ground floor.
20:52That's the biggest TV I've ever seen.
20:54How did you afford this?
20:55Oh, I sold your grandmother's antique end tables.
20:58What?
20:59Actually, that only covered the down payment.
21:01You have 12 more monthly payments of $265.
21:07Gun smoke!