First broadcast 15th June 2007.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Johnny Vegas
Katie Hopkins
Danny Dyer
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Johnny Vegas
Katie Hopkins
Danny Dyer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats, bang, bang, it's Vic Reed, from The Apprentice, she's hired,
00:29and their captain, Sean Locke, and facing them tonight, Northern Soul, Johnny Vegas,
00:37he's a bit tasty, Danny Dyer, and our new team captain, Jason Manford.
00:45Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:51Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, the highest speed ever achieved on a bicycle was 166.94 miles per hour?
01:06It was recorded at a level crossing.
01:13Because the train hit the man.
01:1918% of men check their tyre pressure every week.
01:24Yeah, that seems fine.
01:27The average age of naturists is 55.
01:30Sorry, that should read, sadly, the average age of naturists is 55.
01:34Right, let's get on with the show.
01:42What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:45We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:47and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:50It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:54Jason, and your team, you're up first.
01:56What have the nation been talking about this week?
01:58Is it... Paris?
02:00Paris? Yeah, Paris Hilton.
02:02Paris was put in jail for drink driving, then she was released after three days,
02:06and then she got put back in jail again when the judge found out that she got out.
02:11So she's not best pleased. She's been on hunger strike as well for 25 years.
02:17She's taking that seriously.
02:19She got out for psychological reasons, didn't she?
02:21Yeah, I think... Don't let her out, then they put her back.
02:23I think she got out of prison, and she managed to do it because she was depressed.
02:26Yeah. Which is extraordinary, because no-one's elated.
02:30The only thing about it is nobody feels sorry for her, does it?
02:32No, you get out of prison if you're depressed.
02:35If you don't like it, they go, oh, come on, then.
02:39With the drink driving thing, she claims she didn't know she was banned from driving
02:42because someone else opens her post.
02:44She's too lazy to look at herself.
02:46I got pulled up for speeding, and he thought I'd stolen the car,
02:50because I had a northern accent.
02:53He asked me when I'd bought the car, and I told him I didn't know.
02:56He asked me when I'd passed my test, I told him I didn't know.
03:00He asked me what the insurance cost, I said I don't know.
03:03And to my eternal shame, I said, I have somebody who does that for me.
03:09You've changed, Johnny. I know.
03:11Have you got a PA, Johnny?
03:13She's more of a best friend that I pay to run me life.
03:19She dresses me.
03:21I don't think there's anything worse than being your PA.
03:24Two o'clock in the morning, I want a wagon wheel!
03:29That's the Apprentice show I want to see.
03:32Come and work for Johnny Vegas.
03:34They all left on the first day.
03:36Every morning, four o'clock, she gets a call.
03:39We've started another fire.
03:42Shall we see whether Paris Hilton is one of the most talked about things this week?
03:45I have a feeling she might be.
03:49Yes, indeed. She's the most talked about thing this week.
03:52This is the story that Paris Hilton has been sent to jail.
03:55Paris is now on suicide watch, and Bill Oddie will be hosting.
04:01Fantastic.
04:03Sean, Katie, Vic, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:06Is it the Formula One kid? The super-duper new Formula One, British Formula One...
04:10Oh, I heard about him, yeah.
04:12Lewis Hamilton. He's won a Grand Prix and he's...
04:15very fast.
04:18He's the new Michael Schumacher.
04:21People are saying he could be the new Tim Henman, if there's an accident.
04:26He never wins anything ever again.
04:28He's still 22. It's amazing.
04:30You watch Formula One, don't you?
04:32OK, I'm glad I asked.
04:34I think it's weird people who watch Formula One.
04:36It's all right on the telly, but those people who spend loads of money to go to Monaco and watch it,
04:39just to stand there, hundreds of quid, just to go...
04:43He was good when I heard that one. He was proper fast.
04:45I don't understand it. I don't know why you'd bother going.
04:47Well, I quite like the fact that it's boring.
04:49A lot of people complain about Formula One, but I think it's one of its major pluses,
04:52is the fact it's really boring.
04:54Because nothing can spoil it.
04:56You can do drilling, hoovering, you can go up, have a sleep, come back,
05:00you're still in the lead.
05:02You don't even need to watch the end.
05:04You just look at the podium, yeah, he won.
05:06It's the most boring sport.
05:08Let's see whether Lewis Hamilton, a British sporting hero,
05:11is one of the most talked-about things this week.
05:17Yes, Lewis Hamilton has won his first Grand Prix,
05:20making him the youngest ever leader of the Formula One Championship.
05:23It's a dangerous sport. Lewis stared death in the face
05:26before realising it was Bernie Eccleston handing him a trophy.
05:31APPLAUSE
05:35Jason, what else have the world been talking about this week?
05:37Is it kids?
05:41No, every day in the paper for, like, last week,
05:43there's been a story about kids not being hard enough,
05:46or some bloke from ROSPA,
05:48the Royal Society of Prevention of Accidents,
05:51has said that kids should climb trees so that they break their wrists.
05:55I mean, he's in the wrong job, let's be honest.
05:59He worked for the Royal Society for the Promotion of Accidents.
06:03I had a mate when I was at school, I'm not showing off,
06:06and he was proper hard, always climbing trees
06:10and eating berries and stuff and chasing worms.
06:14Yeah, proper hard.
06:16He was brilliant, you know what I mean? I mean, he's dead now.
06:20What, 13 years? Brilliant.
06:23What we used to do is...
06:25I think it's fine, it's get a scaffold pole and fireworks at each other.
06:32It was great.
06:34But you were brought up in Basra, right?
06:36If you're watching, don't try that at home, do it outside.
06:42When I was a lad, there was a gang,
06:44I lived in a little place in Manchester called Chorlton,
06:46and there was a gang called the Chorlton Bad Boy Club,
06:49and they used to graffiti the initials all over the place.
06:52CBBC was here.
06:55Have you got a tattoo of John Craven?
06:57You've got a tattoo, haven't you?
06:59Yeah, it was at my daughter's third birthday yesterday.
07:02You went to that, that's nice of you.
07:04I know.
07:05Well done.
07:06But I think now, a bit of, you know, rough and tumble, a few bashes.
07:09So you chuck them out of trees and...?
07:11No, but a few bashes.
07:12My daughter was in a full body plaster cast quite recently for three months.
07:16What the fuck did you do to her?
07:19Whatever a door did, she won't be doing it again.
07:23It was really hard carrying her round, cos she was sonnish.
07:28I thought that'd be easier.
07:29Like a Sovite baby.
07:30It wasn't anything too serious, was it?
07:32Yeah, her legs...
07:33It's not anything too serious!
07:35She's a full body cast, man!
07:38Vic, you're a father.
07:39I would always let them injure themselves,
07:42and in fact encourage it.
07:44Alice, who's the eldest,
07:46I would encourage her to run into walls and not get any sympathy,
07:50so she knew what was coming.
07:53And with Louis, he was given a revolver.
07:57I'd often push a pub door open and go,
07:59you soft bastard, and then just leave my son stood there in the street.
08:04Let him face the music.
08:06How old's your boy again?
08:07Four.
08:11Shall we see if Molly coddling our children is up there?
08:15Yes, it is.
08:16Yes, this is the story that we're wrapping our kids in cotton wool.
08:19They're spending too much time stressed about exams
08:21and not enough playing outside.
08:23Of course, exams are a lot easier than they used to be.
08:25Apart from history, that's got harder.
08:27More things have happened.
08:29Although, thanks to rising sea levels,
08:31geography is getting much easier.
08:34Sean's team, what else will the nation be talking about this week?
08:36Well, I think it's your show, isn't it?
08:38The Apprentice, they've been talking about that a lot.
08:40Very popular, wasn't it?
08:42You're all over the papers, aren't you?
08:44A little bit.
08:45Like a rash.
08:47Who do you think the best man won?
08:48I'm delighted that Simon won,
08:50and I'm delighted that Christina didn't.
08:54Ooh.
08:55Who was your favourite? Who did you like the most?
08:57I probably liked Trey the most, yeah.
08:59Trey is amazing.
09:00Yeah, always.
09:01I'm a bullshitter.
09:03I'm a bullshitter, I bullshit, I'm a bullshitter.
09:05Who do you mean?
09:06I do nothing but bullshit, I'm a bullshitter.
09:09He's an incredible character.
09:10He seemed to think bullshitting was the best part of the show.
09:13He seemed to think bullshitting was the best possible thing in a businessman.
09:16Doesn't Alan Sugar say,
09:17I don't like liars, cheats, bullshitters and arse-lickers?
09:20You can't help feeling the last two,
09:22he's really upped the ante there, hasn't he?
09:24Liars, cheats, he goes bullshitters, arse-lickers.
09:27I wonder if they stopped him when he went,
09:28f*** suckers, motherf***ers,
09:30gypsies,
09:32the poor,
09:35eagles.
09:38He really gets carried away.
09:39It's a mainstream show.
09:41Who do you think should have won, Danny?
09:42I think Christina should have won, yeah.
09:44Yeah, she had a dodgy set of tape on her,
09:46but I think she was more,
09:48you know, the other gays are irritating me.
09:50I just couldn't get me nut round him, but...
09:53We're going to have subtitles for this, aren't we?
09:57I've not actually seen it, but I did see you in the papers.
10:01Behind a...
10:02A fence.
10:03A gate.
10:04Yeah.
10:05If you're going to have sex in a field,
10:07don't do it by a gate.
10:10That's better, though.
10:11Well, behind the bush.
10:14You've sort of come out of The Apprentice as the biggest start.
10:16Are you going to develop a show now, like Badger did?
10:18Hop kids, happy home, bus ducks.
10:22No, I mean, Cleethorpes with Geoff,
10:23he runs a small printing company,
10:25so I'm going to shag him.
10:28Well, the thing is, Geoff,
10:29once you've got rid of the wife and kids,
10:31we can focus on output.
10:32Output, output.
10:38Well, that is burnt on my retina.
10:42I bet this is quite strange for you, Katie,
10:44it's like you're trapped in a rural petrol station.
10:49No plugs filling up your car going,
10:51yeah, I bet you can give it a...
10:53Let's see if The Apprentice is one of the most talked about things this week.
10:59Yes, it is.
11:00The best thing Alan Sugar said this year was,
11:02I've got a gut feeling in my stomach.
11:06That kind of use of the English language
11:08makes me want to punch his face...
11:10in the face.
11:17We've got one more to get your fingers on, buzzers.
11:19It's Prince Harry.
11:21Prince Harry, tell me more.
11:22Prince Harry in trouble,
11:24cos his lads are in Iraq and Afghanistan and whatnot,
11:27doing a war.
11:28Doing a war?
11:29Doing a war, yeah.
11:30How long have you been sat next to them?
11:32I'm catching it, it's amazing.
11:33They're off there doing a war.
11:35A bit all warred up.
11:37And he was in Canada at some sort of strip club,
11:41getting boobs in his face.
11:43I love him there, he's a raving lunatic.
11:47Out of his nut, loads of birds around,
11:49a big joint hanging out of his mouth.
11:51Dressed as a Nazi.
11:54He's well up for it.
11:57My favourite bit was he was talking to a barmaid,
12:00and he didn't want to reveal his true identity,
12:02so when she said, what's your name?
12:04So when she said, what's your name?
12:05He went, Gary.
12:08That was the best he could come up with, Prince Gary.
12:11Danny, do you think he should have gone to Iraq?
12:13Yeah, I think he should have got involved, definitely.
12:15Should have got involved.
12:17Do you not worry about him being out there,
12:20getting shot at?
12:21He can't camouflage, can he?
12:23You imagine two Iraqi soldiers,
12:25did you just see that tree move?
12:26What, the one with ginger hair?
12:30Let's have a look and see whether Prince Harry is up there.
12:35Yes, this is the story that Prince Harry
12:37visited a strip club in Canada
12:39whilst his colleagues were fighting in Iraq.
12:41A strip club is very much like Iraq.
12:43Young men getting slaughtered,
12:45bazookas everywhere, weapons going off.
12:47It's more expensive than you think when you go in.
12:50Muslims don't like it.
12:53I blame Bush.
13:00Well, at the end of that round, I can tell you that
13:02Sean, Vic and Katie have two points,
13:04Jason, Johnny and Danny have three points.
13:09Our next round is called Pick of the Polls.
13:11Our teams choose a picture and then they have to answer a question
13:13based on a related survey or statistic.
13:15OK, Sean's team, you're to go first. Pick one.
13:18I like the people who are carrying sturgeon.
13:21Catfish.
13:22It's a what's worse question.
13:24According to statistics, what's more risky,
13:26fishing or horse riding?
13:28Well, horse riding is much more dangerous, isn't it?
13:31You go in horses.
13:32Horses are more dangerous because when you fall off horses,
13:34you can only fall in the riverbank,
13:36which is by right near the edge, so not as deep as the middle,
13:39so you should be able to get out.
13:40No-one's ever tried fishing at sea, have they?
13:42Oh, you didn't say that, did you?
13:44You didn't say that. Not all people.
13:46Of course fishing's more dangerous if you're in a trawler.
13:48Oh, you... Oh, now. Now.
13:51I think I said fishing or horse riding.
13:53No, you said fishing like it's fishing.
13:56You didn't go fishing like commercial...
13:59All right, let me do it again, Sean.
14:01...big Russian ships.
14:02I mean, of course fishing's worse than horse riding.
14:05You're in a trawler in the North Sea,
14:08force nine, you've got no chance.
14:11All right, what's more dangerous,
14:13fishing or horse riding?
14:17What is more dangerous?
14:18Yes, thank you. Let's start again.
14:20Well, I think it's horse riding.
14:30Final answer?
14:31It's obviously fishing, if you're including all fishing.
14:33Do you think I'm stupid?
14:35I can tell you that fishing is riskier.
14:39Yeah, you're six times more likely to die fishing
14:41than you are horse riding,
14:42and the chances increase dramatically if you're a fish.
14:46Jason, Johnny and Danny,
14:47what picture do you fancy answering a question on?
14:51That's number three.
14:53Number three represents hospitals.
14:56That's not a real person.
14:58He's sick. He's made of plastic.
15:00Look at Jimmy's hair.
15:03He might be a relative.
15:07He looks very smart.
15:11Let's go for President Bush.
15:13Okay, you picked George Bush.
15:14It was reported this week the President of the United States
15:17had his watch stolen in Albania.
15:19That's incredible, isn't it?
15:20We polled our studio audience and asked them,
15:22if you found George Bush's watch,
15:24would you give it back to him or put it on eBay?
15:27Which way do you think they voted?
15:29He's had his watch stolen.
15:30He's had his watch stolen, yeah.
15:31He's had his watch stolen and they say he could have taken his watch off.
15:34He could not on his own.
15:37They'll never figure that out.
15:38But that's quite rude if he's taken his watch off.
15:40That's saying he doesn't trust the Albanian people.
15:42That'd be a very rude thing to do.
15:43Before you met some people, you'd just go,
15:45actually, before I shake your hand, I must remove this.
15:48Because you're a thieving bastard.
15:50I've had a watch stolen and it's not nice.
15:53I was walking home and these two lads got me from behind,
15:56not like in the biblical sense.
15:59They attacked me from behind and I was on the floor
16:02and one of them, as they walked off,
16:04because they went, oh, give us your money or we'll beat you up.
16:06I gave them the money and then they beat me up.
16:08And you're like, oh, we had a deal, you bastards.
16:11I was on the floor and one of them goes,
16:15as they walked off, one of them went,
16:16hey, get his watch, don't forget his watch.
16:18And he rolled up my sleeve.
16:19I had a Casio Illuminator, brilliant watch, right?
16:22It sells to town in three different countries, right?
16:24It's England, Scotland, Wales, but it's all right, right?
16:26It's brilliant, right?
16:27And he looked at my watch, rolled the sleeve up, he saw it,
16:30he went, nah, sack it, and just walked off.
16:33I was like, you'll fucking take it, you cheeky bastard.
16:36This is an audience poll, then.
16:38Yeah, we've asked the studio audience this evening,
16:40would they return the watch or would they sell it on eBay?
16:44I'd say they'd put it on eBay, the bastards.
16:47You think they'd put it on eBay, OK.
16:49Well, I can tell you that a massive 85% of our studio audience
16:52voted to put it on eBay, so, Jason, you get the point, well done.
16:57George Bush has stolen an election, invaded a country on false pretenses,
17:00tortured, lied and not signed the Kyoto Agreement,
17:03but now his watch has been stolen.
17:06If you're watching, Karma, make an effort.
17:14So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team
17:16and four points to Jason's team.
17:19Join me after the break, where we'll be finding out
17:22what the worst faux pas to make at a job interview is.
17:33Welcome back to Wear It Out Of Ten Pants.
17:35The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:37In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement,
17:39all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:42Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate that statistic.
17:45Does the shoulder strap of your car cut into your shoulder?
17:48Is your shoulder strap too tight and annoying?
17:51Introducing the Titty Bear,
17:53the cute little guy that eliminates all those problems.
17:56My shoulder strap used to pull so tight, I could hardly breathe.
18:00Now with the Titty Bear, I really enjoy travelling again.
18:03My wife used to always complain about the pressure from her shoulder belt.
18:06Not anymore.
18:07And the Titty Bear works so great, he got one for himself, too.
18:12Place it here, or here, or anywhere
18:14you need to keep those irritating straps from digging in.
18:17Call and order your Titty Bear right now.
18:24I'd love to be a Titty Bear.
18:29Here is your related statistic.
18:3141% of women drivers would rather hit a motorcycle courier than a rabbit.
18:37What do you think?
18:38I'm fully comped, so I don't care what I hit, really.
18:41I'll take the pope out, it doesn't matter.
18:45It's not a dilemma most women face on a regular basis, is it?
18:49Well...
18:50Have you ever been couriering in the car?
18:52Yeah.
18:53You've been a motorcycle courier and a rabbit.
18:55Yeah, and then you go on the basis of size,
18:57because the bigger thing you don't want to hit, do you?
19:00So you're not really bothered about the moral dilemma of, like,
19:03killing a human or a rabbit?
19:05No.
19:06No, that's interesting.
19:07They have a question as well.
19:08Would you hit a rabbit?
19:10And the woman went, no.
19:12What would you hit?
19:14Motorcycle courier.
19:16It's a bit offensive to women, isn't it?
19:18In a way, it's like saying,
19:20oh, you don't really like hitting bunnies, do you?
19:22Do you not find that a bit...
19:24Well, that's... Yeah.
19:25No, I just think it's limited in the choice of things you could hit.
19:29Speaking as a woman driver,
19:31you'd like more of an array of things to hit?
19:34Vic, what would you rather hit?
19:36If it was a big rabbit, I'd go straight for it.
19:39What's the other option, a curry?
19:42I'd like to go through Longleat at 90.
19:44That'd be interesting, wouldn't it?
19:46Can I just do a survey for me own personal...?
19:49Yes, of course, Vic.
19:50Now, I've got 20 rabbits in me garden
19:52and they're eating me lettuces.
19:54Hands up who thinks I should shoot them.
19:58Not enough people.
20:00Not enough people.
20:02So it's the poison, then.
20:11OK, I'm going to push you for an answer on this.
20:1341% of women drivers would rather hit a motorcycle courier than a rabbit.
20:17True!
20:18All right, true.
20:19True!
20:20Sean, what do you think?
20:22I think it's false.
20:23Well, I can tell you the answer is false.
20:25You get the point there, Sean?
20:28But, incredibly, 11% of women would rather hit a motorcycle courier than a rabbit.
20:33I can see the logic.
20:34If you run over a rabbit, all you've got is a dead rabbit.
20:36If you run over a courier, free pizza.
20:40So, at the end of that round, it is four points to Sean's team
20:43and four points to Jason's team.
20:48And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:51Here is your first one.
20:52Top luxury that men want in their house.
20:56A perfumed underlit stallion.
21:00It's not in the top ten.
21:02Porn.
21:03Porn?
21:04Porn.
21:05As the luxury in their house.
21:07A window into Danny Dyer's world.
21:10It's a luxurious house.
21:13I mean, good bit of porn, you know.
21:17Is it a Fabergé egg?
21:21Look at the two guys on your team.
21:24And imagine how much they both want a Fabergé egg.
21:28Johnny would eat fucking eight.
21:31Enchanted talking furniture.
21:38It's like when you chin the beast and when you bring a woman back, they convince her not to leave.
21:45He's the new face of DFS.
21:48Johnny, that would go with my idea, which is a penguin trained as a butler.
21:53Two of them together.
21:56I'll tell you what I'd like, is leather cutlery.
21:59The ultimate luxury.
22:01They're looking at a woman, they're eating a leather spoon.
22:05Lovely spoon.
22:07Is it a duvet?
22:09Made out of Ginster's fasties.
22:11And every morning you have to eat your way out.
22:15A panic room.
22:17A panic room?
22:18Yeah.
22:19That's not really for you, that would be for whoever's in the house with you.
22:24To do with water.
22:27Jacuzzi.
22:28That's the right answer, yeah.
22:33Worst faux pas at a job interview.
22:36Is it being a...
22:42What's the worst thing you can do at a job interview?
22:44Yeah, probably turn it down just before you get it.
22:46Turn it down because you didn't get permission from your mum and dad.
22:48Oh!
22:50Is it asking if it's alright if stock goes missing?
22:57It's to do with being kind of a chatterbox.
22:59Screaming.
23:00Screaming.
23:03Answering a question with a question.
23:05No.
23:06Is it that?
23:09I'm trying to say something fucking sensible and I've nosed it now, see?
23:12He's only gone and fucking nosed it.
23:15Talking too much.
23:16Talking too much.
23:17That is a great answer, Sean.
23:18I love it.
23:22Well that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
23:25Which means the final scores are...
23:27Jason's team have four points, Sean's team are the winners with six points.
23:32Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:34and to all of you for watching at home.
23:35That's it from us, goodnight.
23:40There's more next Friday at 9.30 and a five past midnight tonight
23:444Music presents the O2 Wireless Festival
23:47with performances from Faithless and Mark Ronson.
23:50Coming up next here on 4, the first live eviction for this year in Big Brother.