8 Out of 10 Cats. S06 E02.

  • 2 days ago
First broadcast 20th June 2008.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer

Kelly Osbourne
John Bishop
Theo Paphitis
Mike Wilmot

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Daddy's Girl, Kelly Osbourne, Mommy's Boy, John Bishop,
00:27and their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:31And facing them tonight, from Dragon's Den, Theo Paphitis.
00:36From across the pond, Mike Wilmot.
00:40And their team captain, Sean Lott.
00:44Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:49CHEERING
00:52Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:55where we talk about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, 44% of Brits keep their socks on during sex?
01:02Fair enough, why would you take your socks off in a car park?
01:05The average person will spend two weeks of their life
01:08waiting for the traffic lights to change.
01:10I think they might be broken?
01:13And 20% of adults in Britain don't know how to use email,
01:16and they work on the help desk at PC World.
01:20Right, let's get on with the show!
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:31We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:33and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:36It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:40Jason, Kelly, John, your team to go first.
01:42What have the nation been talking about?
01:44We reckon Big Brother, and more specifically, Alexandra.
01:49Has she been threatening the rest of the Big Brother inmates?
01:52I think it's really funny.
01:54Can we just clarify, because Alex might be watching this, she's out of the house now.
01:58I don't respect you.
02:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
02:07Did you see what she said? She said,
02:09I've got gangsta friends, they can do what I say, pow pow.
02:12Like, how old is she? Eight!
02:14They're going to get you, pow pow pow!
02:18That's the problem with girls, is at school they never learn a good gun noise.
02:23Like if that had been a bloke, he'd have given it the old...
02:26You know what I mean?
02:28I believe the phrase is blap, blap, blap.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:33Just saying, no-one fuck with me, right?
02:36Yeah? You'll never be ready.
02:39Remember I told you.
02:41What's that?
02:43That's how I roll, motherfucker.
02:45LAUGHTER
02:48That's how I roll, I roll like that.
02:50With the bitches in the back?
02:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
02:58If you were in a gang, you'd be the treasurer.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:04I'll tell you what's winding me up, though,
03:06is E4's coverage of the live streaming.
03:09And they let you watch them sleep, they let you watch them eat,
03:12but any time anything interesting happens, they cut to a break.
03:15They start doing the...
03:17..little bird noises and all that stuff, right?
03:19And it's quite annoying, there's been a few times where they're like,
03:22yeah, and guess who I've had sex with?
03:24Well, I'll tell you.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:30On a Tuesday.
03:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
03:38Let's have a look and see if Big Brother's one of the most talked about things this week.
03:42Yes, of course it is.
03:44APPLAUSE
03:46Yes, in Big Brother news this week, Alex has been removed from the house.
03:49Alex spent the last 24 hours in a hotel room.
03:51You have to clean it quicker than that, love, or you'll get the sack.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56Sean, Mike, Thea, Paphitis, off of Dragon's Den.
03:58What have the nation been talking about?
04:00Is it the visit this week of George Bush to London?
04:04Visited London, Gordon Brown, very pleased to see him.
04:07Yeah, thrilled.
04:09Well, I imagine he is, it makes him look better, doesn't it?
04:11Same principle like Simon Cowell got Piers Morgan on Britain's Got Talent.
04:15If you think I'm a smug, self-satisfied bastard...
04:18LAUGHTER
04:20..look at this bloke.
04:22Is that Womya?
04:24I think it's just funny that, you know, I'm Canadian,
04:26and when our Prime Minister visits, not a lot of hoopla.
04:29Like when our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper,
04:32and right there I could have said any name at all.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:37I could have said Zorak the Invincible,
04:40and there'd still be people watching at home going,
04:42yeah, I hear he's invincible, yes, Zorak.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46George Bush got a tour of Windsor Castle,
04:48and I thought that would be an episode of Cribs, I wouldn't mind watching.
04:51Just Prince Philip walking around, going to the bedroom,
04:53and this is where the magic happens.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:57Do you think he was secretly a little bit disappointed
04:59that Windsor Castle wasn't bouncy?
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03Are you saying he's stupid? That's what I was saying.
05:05It's skills, isn't it? It's this idea that he's convinced everyone he's stupid,
05:08and he's not stupid, he's just really anti-clever, isn't he?
05:12He doesn't like clever things.
05:14Like reading books the right way up.
05:16Let me go through a couple of things he has said over the years.
05:18Yeah.
05:19When asked to describe the White House, he said, it is white.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23Technically correct. It's not wrong.
05:25He said more and more of our imports come from abroad.
05:27Correct, yes.
05:29I think we can agree the past is over.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:34It's fact after fact after fact.
05:37Here we go.
05:38He's a fact machine.
05:39Last one.
05:40When asked by a reporter why Osama bin Laden had not been caught,
05:43he said, he's hiding.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:47APPLAUSE
05:53He ruined my whole entire week this week.
05:55He ruined your week?
05:56Yes.
05:57Oh, well, the Iraq war was one thing. What has he done now?
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01For God's sake, Kelly.
06:03I was fine with Afghanistan. This is too much.
06:05I had to leave, like, two and a half hours early so that I could get there
06:09because there was so much traffic.
06:11Jesus Christ.
06:13This guy's got to be stopped. What are we doing?
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16Right, let's see if President Bush is one of the most talked about things this week.
06:21Yes, indeed he is.
06:23APPLAUSE
06:25Yes, this week, President Bush made his last official visit to Britain.
06:29After leaving office, Bush intends to devote a couple of years to finishing his book.
06:32He can't believe that caterpillar is still hungry.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:38Jason, Kelly and John, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
06:42We reckon that Paul Burrell has been in the paper quite a lot.
06:46Someone said that he shagged Princess Diana.
06:48And I can't believe a beautiful princess who's married to the future king of England.
06:53She had affairs with a major in the army.
06:56She had an affair with the captain of the England rugby team.
06:59And she's thinking, yeah, I know what I'll do, I'll shag my fat gay butler.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:07Paul said that he saw the Queen naked in her bedroom.
07:11How did he manage that?
07:13He was chasing a corgi that ran into the Queen's bedroom.
07:16Apparently the Queen was stood there naked.
07:18Sort of freaky, imagine busting in and seeing like four corgis and a naked Queen.
07:23That sounds like the best hand you can have in a poker game.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28Four corgis and a naked Queen.
07:33What's the etiquette for seeing the Queen naked?
07:36What do you do, do you bow, do you salute?
07:38I've seen her naked. On Photoshop.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:42Amazing, she looks.
07:44She's got an amazing tattoo. It's a full fox hunt.
07:46Coming over her shoulders.
07:48A load of dogs across her tummy.
07:50And a little fox nipping in for cover.
07:52LAUGHTER
07:54APPLAUSE
07:57I can tell you it's not one of the top five most talked about things this week.
08:01OK, Sean, over to you. What else have the nation been talking about this week?
08:04The impending interest rate rises, general economic gloom and doom,
08:08rising prices of food.
08:10Food's gone way up. Anyone who has their five a day now is just showing off.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:16But interestingly, there's one food that hasn't gone up.
08:19Try it, it's still a very reasonable eight pence a tonne.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24You're a businessman, right? You may understand this kind of thing.
08:27Explain to me what's going on.
08:29Well, basically, the Chancellor got a letter from the Governor of the Bank of England
08:32to tell him we're fucked, officially.
08:34He took a letter from the Governor of the Bank of England...
08:38You know the worst thing about the letter? It cost the Chancellor 25 quid.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:43It's Rymans and Lucenza, isn't it, the lingerie?
08:45Rymans and Lucenza, yes. I've had an idea for you.
08:48Crotchless post-it notes.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:52How big are you? Yeah, huge.
08:54I'm a big fan of the old sexy underwear situation.
08:57We don't do your size.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01APPLAUSE
09:05There's loads of money-saving tips people are putting out there.
09:08There's loads of different ways you can save money.
09:10I've seen a couple, like breakfast.
09:12I know it's wrong, but steal bird's eggs for your breakfast.
09:15They're littler, but they're actually quite tasty.
09:18I've started taking hormones.
09:20In a few months, I'll be lactating, so that's milk in the morning.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24Just saving, little saving.
09:26And what I do is make a great big pot stew, really big pot stew.
09:29Pigeons? Yeah. Pigeons, what?
09:31What did you say, pigeons? You can't just say pigeons.
09:34You've got to have something before it and after it, Theo.
09:37You can't just go, pigeons.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40Is that a good idea?
09:42That's a bargain square.
09:44Bargain square, yeah. Get the pigeons.
09:46Eat the pigeons. They've all gone.
09:48Who got rid of the pigeons?
09:50Have you gone mental? Have you literally gone mental?
09:52LAUGHTER
09:53This is serious.
09:55I know you've got money. Have you been drinking all day?
09:57LAUGHTER
09:59I'm a lingerie shopper.
10:01Pigeons!
10:03Right, let's see whether the state of the economy
10:05is one of the top five most talked about things.
10:07I have a feeling it will be. Yes, it is.
10:09APPLAUSE
10:10The most talked about thing this week.
10:12Yes, this is the continuing story of economic crisis.
10:15The credit crunch is causing pensioners to be hit hardest.
10:18Well, let go of the handbag then, Nana.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22If you're watching, don't have nightmares.
10:24LAUGHTER
10:28It's not too bad.
10:30Sorry.
10:32Fingers on buzzers, what else have they made me think about?
10:34Jason.
10:35Euros. The Euro 2008.
10:37The football that we've not been invited to.
10:39Why?
10:40Well, cos we were rubbish. Steve McClaren fucked it up.
10:42But we...
10:44Half the team couldn't have gone, cos of Wayne Rooney's wedding.
10:47It's hard not being there, cos you've had to find another team
10:50to support with a weird angle, like,
10:52oh, I drive a Fiat, so I'll support Italy,
10:54or I've got a necklace out of onions, so I'll support France.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:59Mine's been, I quite like Nando's, so I'll support Portugal.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:04You quite like? Yeah, quite like it.
11:06But then the problem is, they've got Ronaldo, who I ate,
11:09and I've had to come to a conclusion.
11:12More than I ate Cristiano Ronaldo. It's a tough question.
11:15Try and ask it yourself.
11:17APPLAUSE
11:19Bit as well, like, they're trying to get an atmosphere.
11:22At what point does a grown adult want a flag painted on the face?
11:25When did that start happening?
11:27I remember in the World Cup, there was a woman working in Tesco,
11:30and they'd obviously let them wear the England shirts,
11:34and she was not just in an England shirt,
11:36she had shorts on, socks and shin pads, right?
11:40She was stacking shelves, right, and then...
11:43So I slide-tackled her, right?
11:45LAUGHTER
11:47Put it in! She was shocked.
11:49Let's see if Euro 2008 is up there.
11:51Number two, yeah.
11:53Yes, indeed.
11:55OK, there's one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers.
11:57What else have the nation been talking about this week?
11:59The release of Bin Laden's number two in Europe.
12:04He's right-hand man, apparently.
12:06The way I remember his name is...
12:09Which is terrible, cos it makes me say his name in a very jolly way.
12:13He's been released, much to the annoyance of the government
12:16and various tabloids.
12:18There are very stringent restrictions on his movement.
12:21He's only allowed out for an hour in the morning
12:23and an hour in the afternoon.
12:25He'd have to watch a film in, like, three visits.
12:28If he wants to go and see Sex and the City,
12:30which I imagine he can't wait to see,
12:32he'd have to go in, watch 45 minutes, go back home,
12:35ooh, I wonder what's going to happen next.
12:37Wait till two o'clock.
12:38Don't tell me the story to everybody.
12:40Did you see that restriction?
12:41One of the great restrictions he's got is
12:43he can't have Bin Laden to visit him.
12:45To be fair, he has a bad influence on him, so...
12:48OK, you're right, yeah.
12:50We don't know if he's actually made it home,
12:52cos he's being delivered from prison by MI5 agents.
12:55There's a very good chance they'll leave him on the train.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:59They'll just forget about him.
13:01APPLAUSE
13:05Let's see if Abu Qatada is up there.
13:12Yes, this is the news that controversial cleric Abu Qatada
13:15has been released from prison.
13:17Qatada denied he influenced shoe bomber Richard Reid
13:19with his controversial sermon entitled
13:21Bomb Them With Your Shoes, Richard.
13:26Abu Qatada denies being responsible for 9-11, 7-7, 21-7
13:30or the bonus ball.
13:35So, at the end of that round, I can tell you,
13:37Sean's team have three points, Jason's team have two points.
13:43Our next round is called Pick Of The Polls.
13:45Our teams take it in turns to choose a picture from the board
13:47and then they have to answer a related question.
13:49OK, Sean, you're to go first. What picture do you fancy?
13:52What's that fella?
13:53That's Raj Pursue. We'll have him, then.
13:56Dr Raj Pursue has been in the news this week accused of plagiarism,
13:59so we polled our studio audience and we asked them,
14:03What he said was, he said,
14:05I didn't really cheat or steal it, he said,
14:07there was a few copying and pasting errors.
14:09It was a bit like if you've been done for stealing a car,
14:12you say, there's been a few driving and parking errors.
14:15It's also, like, they're saying it's plagiarism,
14:18maybe it was just, like, a banned cover version.
14:21Maybe he was just saying,
14:23OK, I think this professor's really great,
14:25so I'm just using all of his words.
14:27He didn't change two words in the book,
14:29he just changed the name of the author.
14:31OK, so we polled our audience and asked,
14:33Is it OK to cheat if it makes you successful?
14:35What are you going to go for, Sean?
14:36I think if they're honest...
14:37Yeah, they probably said yes, didn't they?
14:39So you're going to go yes?
14:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:41OK, I can tell you the answer is yes.
14:4355% said it's OK to cheat if it makes you successful.
14:46Yeah.
14:47Give yourselves a round of applause, you cheating bastards.
14:50Raj Pursue has been in the news this week
14:52as he's been investigated for plagiarism.
14:54Professor Richard Bentall said he was flabbergasted
14:57at the blatancy of his colleagues' cheating.
14:59In response, Dr Pursue said he was flabbergasted
15:01at the blatancy of his colleagues' cheating.
15:04Jason's team, what picture do you fancy?
15:07I think Amy Winehouse.
15:11This is a poll with a whole question.
15:1212% of people think Amy Winehouse has what?
15:16Some sort of drug problem.
15:2012% of people.
15:23What about 12% of people think that she's not on drugs?
15:26The only person that thinks she's not on drugs is Pete Doherty,
15:28who thinks she dabbles a bit, but not really.
15:3412% of people think Amy Winehouse has what?
15:36Some of the worst tattoos I've ever seen.
15:39They're dreadful, her tattoos, aren't they?
15:41I think the only people who should have tattoos are people in the Navy.
15:44I saw a guy once who did his own tattoos,
15:46and he was a Motorhead fan,
15:48and he wanted to write Ace of Spades under his eye,
15:51but he didn't space it out, and he had Ace of Spad.
15:55The best tattoo I've ever seen,
15:58it was an older woman that I had a thing with years ago,
16:01and she had a complete fox hunt over her shoulder,
16:05and down there, and it just disappeared.
16:07Incredible.
16:1112% think she's got pigeons in her hair.
16:14You're very, very close with that, Theophetus.
16:16I'll give you that, yeah.
16:1712% of people think Amy Winehouse has headlights.
16:20We're not going to go on about Amy's drug addiction,
16:23but it's the dragon I feel sorry for.
16:25Imagine being chased by that.
16:29Have I told you about my new book?
16:31What's your book called?
16:32Enter the Dragon.
16:33Oh, Theophetus.
16:34That's something on the Swingers website.
16:37You sit in there, go like this, enter me.
16:48It's a good thing Deborah Meaden didn't get there first.
16:52Count your blessings.
16:53You're selling paperclips and knickers.
16:56You designed the knickers?
16:57Yeah.
16:58Pervert.
17:01I don't understand why no-one's ever done an all-in-one for men.
17:04Women have that thing, and they just have some poppers there.
17:07They're the most uncomfortable thing in the whole entire world,
17:10and one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me in my life
17:13was that my stylist made me wear one.
17:15I put it on, and then I was like,
17:17Dad, look at this.
17:18This is the most stupid thing ever,
17:20not realising that it has a gusset hole.
17:23You showed your dad your la-la?
17:26That is an embarrassing thing.
17:27It could have been worse.
17:28It could have been Jack wearing it with his bollocks hanging out, just like...
17:33Are you sure it wasn't just second-hand?
17:36Or maybe it was his shithole and he had it on backwards.
17:43Mike Wilmot there, adding a touch of class to proceedings.
17:46So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's five points for Sean's team
17:48and two points for Jason's team.
17:52Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
17:54what you'd rescue if your house was on fire.
18:03Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
18:05The next round is Believe It Or Not.
18:07In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
18:09All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
18:12Let's have a look at a clip from Tomorrow's World
18:14to illustrate your statistic.
18:16Good King Wenceslas last looked up...
18:19For God's sake, please be quiet.
18:20Go away. We're trying to get some sleep around here.
18:24Well, you can't win them all.
18:25I don't know what happened to his Christmas spirit and good cheer,
18:28but maybe I need someone to help me singing.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:39Christmas, Christmas
18:42Boys and girls, it's Christmas
18:45Tiny Tims and happy Tims
18:48Tear up Tims and tear up Tims
18:52Fantastic. Sing some more.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:59I'll take care of that, thank you.
19:01All you need to make a bit of money at this game
19:03is a computer, a voice synthesiser,
19:06a radio-controlled robot, like Fred here,
19:09and you're in business.
19:11APPLAUSE
19:1566% of people would rather have a robot than a pet.
19:19True or false? I've got two cats.
19:21I've got two cats I don't like. I don't like them.
19:24What I like about dogs is every so often it just winks at you.
19:27Just, you know, gives you a little wink.
19:29That's because they're content with life.
19:31They wink at you to go, it's all right, innit, life?
19:33And cats occasionally wink at you as well.
19:35They sort of go, if you don't give me food, I will chew your face off.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:40Your mum's got loads of dogs, hasn't she?
19:42Yes, she does. She's got about 20.
19:44And there's a room built.
19:46It has a chair, a TV that's on the animal channel,
19:49and chairs for my dad to go in there and hang out with the dogs.
19:52Literally, you've got a dog house for your dad.
19:55He says dogs don't talk back.
19:57I have daughters, I can understand that completely.
19:59I sit on the shitter for days.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:03The downside of having a robot is, of course,
20:05you're always dissatisfied with it because you always know
20:07there's a slightly improved model out there with a better voice.
20:10It's like a wife.
20:12We're constantly going, oh, I want the one that doesn't go,
20:15yes, no, I love you.
20:18Sounds like me.
20:20Here, honey, give me a kiss.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:2466% of people would rather have a robot than a pet,
20:26so you're saying true or false? False.
20:28You're saying false? True.
20:30OK, I can tell you the answer is false.
20:32Well done, you.
20:34APPLAUSE
20:36Only 26% of people would rather have a robot than a pet.
20:39Just like robots, pets have got an off switch,
20:41but you can only find it with the edge of a spade.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:46So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's five points for Sean's team
20:50APPLAUSE
20:52It's all to play for as we go into the final round,
20:54which is, and the winner is,
20:56the most common lie told in the workplace.
20:59Oh, brilliant, I'm really glad you brought your baby in.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:06That was great, though, we really enjoyed seeing it.
21:09Is it your call is important to us?
21:12Is it someone has been downloading pornography on my computer?
21:19Has anyone ever lied to you?
21:21I mean, you run a couple of massive businesses.
21:23Not if they want to stay alive afterwards, no.
21:25Listen to the geezer!
21:28Just for your information, Jon, Theophilus is in Alex's gang.
21:32Pow, pow, pow.
21:34APPLAUSE
21:40It's not my fault.
21:42So dangerously close, I think I will give you that.
21:44Really?
21:46The most common lie in the workplace is,
21:48I don't know what happened.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:52Top thing to rescue if your house is on fire.
21:55My mum always had this fear that our house was going to burn down.
21:58It's cos you've got Ozzy Osbourne wandering round it.
22:01So I still have this ladder, so if there was ever a fire,
22:04I can jump out my window and climb down.
22:06You would think, with the money your parents have got,
22:09they'd put slides instead of ladders.
22:11That would be a lot more fun, wouldn't it, for kids?
22:13There's a fire again!
22:17First thing I'd save is the recycling.
22:20Cos I've spent so long sorting out bottles.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:25I'm not going to waste that two hours.
22:27I'm not going to waste that. That's coming with me.
22:30You haven't got that long.
22:32I know. Well, there's no need to shout, Theo.
22:35It's a fire. Don't worry.
22:37Kelly, what would you rescue?
22:39Probably my pictures.
22:41If the police ever get hold of them, I'm going to jail.
22:46It's quite a practical thing.
22:48Oh, a spatula.
22:50Keys. Keys is exactly right.
22:52Keys! Yes, Kelly.
22:54I'll give you that, but it is in fact car keys.
22:57I'll take that. Got the car keys, love?
22:59Love?
23:02That sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:05which means the final scores are Sean, Theo and Mike have five points,
23:08everyone's a winner on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
23:12Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:14and to all of you for watching at home.
23:16That's it from us. Good night.
23:21At five past 11, a pop star and a politician in the pot,
23:24Danny Minogue and John Prescott,
23:26make unlikely dinner companions in Gordon Ramsay's F Word.
23:29Before that, new blood and Davina Chris's Alexandra on Big Brother.
23:33That's next.