First broadcast 14th July 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Eamonn Holmes
Joan Rivers
Holly Willoughby
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Eamonn Holmes
Joan Rivers
Holly Willoughby
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, on Regents, Vic Reed, the Skies Little Women, Damon Hull,
00:29and their captain, Sean Locke!
00:32And facing them tonight, the one and only, Joan Rivers!
00:37Dancing on ice, it's Ollie Willoughby!
00:40And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:44Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:53Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, last year, British women spent £280 million removing unwanted body hair.
01:04Surely it would be cheaper and easier just to move to Germany.
01:09Women blink almost twice as much as men.
01:11Brilliant! Think of the stuff we can get away with!
01:16And 54% of taxi drivers think we shouldn't join the Euro.
01:20We didn't conduct a survey, they just told us that.
01:23Let's get started.
01:31What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:34We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:36and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:39It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:42Dave's team, what have the nation been talking about?
01:44It's the World Cup, we think.
01:46I think the final probably largely will be remembered for the antics of the French captain, Zinedine Zidane,
01:51who was going to quit at the end of the game anyway, but decided to take early retirement.
01:55He nutted this guy in the chest.
01:57And the clip they always show is when he walks off, desolate, taking some bandage off,
02:01he walks past the World Cup, doesn't he?
02:03Which is like, there on a plinth.
02:05And I thought it would be really, really funny if he walked off like that,
02:08and went, I'm having that and all.
02:12Because he was going to get it back off him.
02:14You go and get it, I'm not getting it off him.
02:17And they reckon that he said that the guy, Matarazzo, accused his mother,
02:21said that his mother was a terrorist whore.
02:23Oh, so what? Any woman over 50 goes, thank you for thinking that.
02:27If you said your mother's an old, ugly pig in a big burka, you'd go, how fucking dare you?
02:32Your mother's an old whore, well, thanks.
02:36I have a compliment.
02:38Sorry, you think being called a whore is a compliment?
02:40If you don't have a tampon in your purse, you're glad someone thinks of you sexually.
02:44Absolutely.
02:47What is a terrorist whore? How does that work?
02:49A terrorist whore is a woman who's sexy but heavy around the middle because she's wearing a bomb.
02:53Right.
02:56I think there's another thing, an important point to make about the World Cup.
02:59One of the reasons that the Italians won there was that they were a very fresh team.
03:02They had lots of energy, compared to other teams.
03:04And that's because Italian football is, well, we all know it's fixed.
03:08So technically, they haven't played a competitive match all season, those players.
03:12The whole season, they've been playing games where they just kick off, knock it back a bit.
03:15Time for the penalty? Yeah, go on, over you go.
03:18Are you a football fan? Do you want to play in soccer?
03:20I don't understand. I'm not. I'm Jewish.
03:23We don't play sports, we sell you the equipment.
03:26I mean, it's just...
03:28The saddest thing I saw, the whole World Cup, was after England went out, I went into a supermarket.
03:33And on special offer, they had half-price England World Cup celebration cakes.
03:38Who, in their right mind, if England won the World Cup, would go,
03:42Hooray!
03:49England!
03:50England!
03:51Just cake spraying everywhere.
03:53Everyone's going,
03:54Oh, boy!
03:55Come on!
03:56I want a cake!
03:58Shall we have a look and see whether the World Cup and Zinedine Zidane
04:01is one of the most talked about things this week?
04:03Yes, of course it is. The number one talking point.
04:06Zinedine Zidane head-butted an Italian player who accused his mother of being a terrorist whore.
04:11Zidane was brought up single-handedly by his mother, who had to work two jobs.
04:15She was a terrorist and a whore.
04:20Obviously, we don't mean that.
04:22Sean, Eamon and Vic, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:25David Cameron's got another attention-grabbing headline scheme idea,
04:29where we should apparently understand teenage hood-wearing characters.
04:33He wants to cuddle them in the park, doesn't he?
04:35He thinks things through.
04:36Because teenagers, the last thing they want is cuddles, isn't it?
04:39What's he got planned for goths?
04:41They don't want to be cuddled.
04:42For goths.
04:43When I see a goth, I don't see a goth. I don't see an individual goth.
04:45I see two disappointed parents.
04:52And they're thinking,
04:53They're thinking, he used to be such a lovely boy, now he looks like a slutty girl.
04:58Joan, are people wearing hoodies a problem in the States?
05:00I don't know.
05:01At my age, when I see someone coming at me with a hood,
05:03I run, because I figure it's the Grim Reaper.
05:08Did he say he formed his opinions after watching that film, Kidulthood?
05:11Yeah, he did, yeah.
05:12So his criminal justice act's going to be based on what, Police Academy 6?
05:18Holly, any thoughts on hoodies? Do you like them?
05:20I don't think I want to hug one.
05:22They might nick my wallet while I'm giving them a cuddle.
05:25I'll be honest, I think if they get a hug from you, they will have other things on their minds.
05:29Even more easier about you.
05:31I don't think they'll be thinking about that, I think the blood might be somewhere else.
05:36He just comes out with stupid statements all the time.
05:38Nobody would be surprised if he said something like,
05:40I've got an idea, elastic houses.
05:45It's small, if there's only two of you, but if you've got some people around, you just stretch it out.
05:50There we go, elastic houses.
05:52That's a good idea.
05:55Moon harnesses.
05:58Really?
05:59Yeah.
06:00Why?
06:01It just could work. Throw a harness over the moon, two handles pull it near.
06:06It comes nearer and nearer and nearer, we get more gravity and begin to float.
06:13It makes sense.
06:14You're a one man think tank.
06:17OK, well let's have a look and see whether Cameron's campaign for hoodies is one of the top five most talked about things.
06:21It is, but it is, but it is.
06:25The Sun has launched a campaign to hug a hoodie, or in other words, restrain them until the police arrive.
06:32OK, Dave, Joan and Holly, what else have the nation been talking about?
06:35Artificial sperm.
06:36Artificial sperm.
06:38Men won't be needed anymore.
06:39Yes they will, until a Petri dish can buy you a diamond bracelet.
06:43They will still be needed.
06:45You romantic you.
06:48No, but it upset me terribly, because I belong to Ower Eaters Anonymous, and sperm is 450 calories a swallow.
06:57So if they're going to find this new sperm, make it no-cow sperm.
07:01Sperm-lite.
07:02Sperm-lite.
07:03Sperm-lite.
07:04It makes sense. Think about it.
07:06You know, you're dieting all day, and then you go...
07:18You should think very carefully before they make men redundant, because there are consequences.
07:24Who's going to bring the bins out?
07:25It's very true.
07:26The summer's going to be ruined. Who's going to do the barbecue?
07:28I think some little things have missed. Like, who's going to put all the ships in the bottles?
07:31Yeah.
07:35I reckon in six months, they'll all be living in caves.
07:38They'll be tidy, though.
07:39Yeah.
07:40OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.
07:44Yes, it is.
07:45Yes, this week, fertility scientists have produced mice using artificial sperm.
07:49There were worries in the tabloid press that the artificial creation of sperm will make men redundant.
07:54Fortunately, the sperm are kept in jam jars, so you'll need a man to get the lid off.
08:01OK, over to you, Sean.
08:02I think that cash for peerages, that's bound to be there.
08:06That Lord Levy, he's actually...
08:08He's a lord, and he's been accused of selling cash for peerages, and raising money for Labour Party,
08:13and he's been arrested.
08:14And Tony Blair may be questioned by police, may be taken down to a police station.
08:18Do you know anything about this at all, Joan?
08:20Very little. I just know that Tony Blair was upset, and he head-butted Lord Levy.
08:26That's all I heard.
08:28But I believe in that. I think if you can get to be...
08:31Look at Dame Edna.
08:32It suddenly brings to light a lot of people. You say, how?
08:36Dame Edna.
08:37Dame Edna.
08:38Dame Edna is one of the examples you're bringing in here.
08:40Lord Snooty.
08:41Yes.
08:44Cary Duckiller, how did he get his title?
08:47There's your answer.
08:48Something gone on there.
08:50Joan, seriously, would you be interested in being a Lord of the Realm?
08:52In a second, because I could slap servants so easily.
08:56I look at my... Oh, Naomi Campbell, she is my idol now.
09:00She just goes around slapping...
09:02Here, just slap someone that's on your level, they'll hit you back, you know.
09:06But Naomi Campbell just says, you stupid bitch.
09:09Whap, whap, whap.
09:10Now bring my tea.
09:12Thank you.
09:13And I just think that's fabulous.
09:16Should we have a look and see where that Lord Levy is up there?
09:18Yeah, I think we've tackled the subject in depth, Tim.
09:25Fingers on buzzers. One more to go. What else is the next one going to be talking about?
09:28Is it where they're going to build loads of nuclear power stations to cater for our energy demands in the future?
09:34But people say they're not safe.
09:35Well, I interviewed the industry secretary during the week, Alastair Darling, and the whole question of safety,
09:40there's a lot of concern about that, and he said it's not a problem that he would give it three thumbs up.
09:49Well, I think they should consult the people of Sellafield.
09:52Well, I went beachcombing near Sellafield, and there's a crab with paws.
09:59Actually, furry paws, and he was licking his lips.
10:04Where is this beach?
10:05It's near Morecambe, it's the only place you can have a puddle and get your feet saturated at the same time.
10:10I can't imagine anyone who would want to live next to a nuclear power station.
10:14Where are they going to put them? There's just going to be such an uproar about it.
10:17On the moon.
10:19It's the solution to everything.
10:20Of course it is. It's a big redundant ball of shite.
10:26But there is no solution so far to the energy crisis. One of the solutions has been put forward.
10:31David Cameron's put a windmill on his house, hasn't he?
10:33Yeah.
10:34That's what it does. It doesn't power any electricity. It powers his crackpot ideas machine.
10:40He's got it in his kitchen. He's just wearing it round.
10:42Dook-a-dook-a-dook-a-dook.
10:43Hug a hoodie.
10:46Money trees. Wow.
10:48The thing is, as well, it's like they go,
10:49oh, yeah, we can't just burn fossil fuels because, you know, our children are our children's children.
10:53Is it just me that thinks...
10:54Fuck them.
10:58Not probably.
11:01Right, let's have a look and see whether nuclear power is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
11:06Yes, it is.
11:07Yes, the government has given a go-ahead for a new wave of nuclear power stations to be built in the UK.
11:13They should also build wind farms next to them.
11:15That way, when it all goes wrong, the fallout will be blown towards France.
11:21At the end of that round, I can tell you Sean's team have three points, Dave's team have two points.
11:28The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:30We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world,
11:33and unearthed some fascinating facts.
11:35Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
11:38so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
11:40Here is your first one.
11:4150% of Brits think what is a good way to protect your home?
11:45Pebble dash it.
11:47Everyone thinks you're skint.
11:50Just have a few porcelain animals in there.
11:52A clock with Elvis on it, or something like that.
11:55You just have shit in your house.
11:57I've got a clock with Elvis on it.
11:59What's wrong with that?
12:02It's usually a mirror as well, and I don't like it.
12:06You obviously like Elvis. Well, you look a bit like him.
12:08It doesn't make sense, because you're like a double.
12:14Joan, any thoughts on how to protect your home?
12:16Just look weird.
12:18OK, Joan.
12:22They'll cross the street to avoid you.
12:26Come on in, little boy.
12:32Would you like a cookie?
12:40How do you protect your house, Vic?
12:42Well, I suppose it's a portcullis.
12:47It involves getting together with a group of people.
12:49Neighbourhood watch.
12:50Correct answer. Well done, Eamonn Holmes.
12:53Yes, 50% of Brits think joining Neighbourhood Watch
12:56is a good way to protect your home.
12:58There's a thin line between Neighbourhood Watch
13:00and keeping Tom.
13:01I've reported several things to the police,
13:03like the shocking lack of foreplay at number 47.
13:07OK, next question.
13:0813% of what say their job puts people off dating them?
13:12Paperboys.
13:16Paperboys? I don't think you can stop Joan.
13:20Come in, little boy.
13:27Vic, any thoughts? What job would not attract you to someone?
13:29I expect it's lepers.
13:35A hangman. A hangman would be horrible.
13:37Somebody has to do it.
13:38I'll give you a clue.
13:45Is it an evil dentist?
13:49Yes, it is.
13:55We want the points, Vic.
13:58I'm going to have to tell you what this is.
13:5913% of teachers say their job puts people off dating them.
14:02I suppose it's hard to find the time to meet people
14:04when you don't finish work till 3.30 in the afternoon.
14:08So at the end of that round, it's five points for Sean's team
14:10and two points to Dave's team.
14:14Join us after the break when we'll be finding out
14:16what you think about new-age therapies.
14:27Welcome back.
14:29The next round is Believe It or Not.
14:31In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
14:33All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
14:36Dave, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
14:39There are many modern cults,
14:41but only Transcendental Meditation will teach you to fly.
14:45It's literally doing this and getting up and doing it.
14:51An athlete would obviously be able to get further.
14:54The more... the lighter you are to the relationship of the power in your legs,
14:58the further you will get.
15:14Yogic Flying Man, here is your related statistic.
15:1736% of Brits think that new-age therapies are utter nonsense.
15:21Do you think that's true or false?
15:23I was very sceptical and then I wasn't feeling well
15:26and they said, try one of those organic coffee enemas
15:31and it worked like a million bucks.
15:34They threw me out of Starbucks, I can never go back.
15:38I went to Hong Kong when I was really ill
15:40and I went to a traditional herbalist Chinese shop
15:43and I went in and tried to communicate.
15:45I did that stupid thing that we do and I went,
15:47soar, soar, shiver, shiver.
15:51I don't know why I shiver.
15:53You have anything for me?
15:57Night nurse.
16:01I recently got attuned in Reiki.
16:03Oh, that's channeling...
16:05It's kind of like a healing energy that you are the channel for.
16:09And it's really weird because I think it really works.
16:11Sorry, do you want to buy some magic beans?
16:14You can do Reiki as well, can't you?
16:16I used to be a hippie, I've sort of, I've moved on.
16:19What's that? What's that?
16:21But she does Reiki?
16:22Do you make her?
16:25Quite right.
16:26What did she look like that was doing the Reiki?
16:28What did she look like?
16:29Yeah, it was like this gorgeous girl doing Reiki of you.
16:33It was like, ooooh.
16:36I think that makes a big difference with a man.
16:41If we were both Reiki instructors, who would make you guys feel better?
16:46Come on, shut your eyes.
16:48Come on, Howie.
16:49Shut your eyes so you won't know who does which first.
16:51Now, one of us is going to go on one side, one of us is going to go on the other side.
16:54Right, you're going to what, heal me?
17:11Which side felt better?
17:12I think the left hand side felt like it would be slightly more expensive.
17:17And the right hand side felt like if you're on a budget in a hurry, why not?
17:22Which side was which?
17:23I was the budget in a hurry.
17:24Thanks.
17:28I wish you'd have gone further, but you were probably thinking of the calories, weren't you?
17:3236% of Brits think new age therapies are utter nonsense.
17:36True or false?
17:3736%, I'd say that's true.
17:39I can tell you the answer is true.
17:43Yes, 36% of Brits think new age therapies are utter nonsense.
17:47It's sad that they're so cynical, but it's probably just because their chakras are closed.
17:52Sean, Vic and Eamon, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
17:56Sean, Vic and Eamon, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:02You may have met a few people who like doing this sort of thing.
18:06It's a nuisance, I agree, but pretty hard.
18:09You have certainly seen thousands like this.
18:12They're not a nuisance, they're a real danger.
18:16Stop it!
18:17Come here, what do you think you're up to?
18:19You've probably infected thousands of people already.
18:22What do you think this is for?
18:25Close your eyes.
18:30Close your eyes.
18:36Now, handkerchief, sneeze.
18:39Handkerchief, sneeze.
18:40See what I mean?
18:44That's the idea.
18:51Well, that was a public information film about sneezing etiquette.
18:54To illustrate your statistic, 71% of people say that British manners are worse than they've ever been.
19:00True or false?
19:01Piss off.
19:05I'll tell you what really upsets me, is minicab drivers.
19:08You find out if a minicab's come to your house and they hoot the horn outside your house.
19:12They don't come and knock, they hoot your horn.
19:14And suddenly I just feel like I'm his girlfriend or something.
19:18I'm actually sitting there in his car like...
19:21And I'm thinking, don't...
19:22Who?
19:23Come and get me.
19:25People who knock on the door once.
19:32Who does that?
19:33Minicab drivers.
19:34Do they?
19:35If they're not just outside honking the horn, they come in and go...
19:38And do you know what is that?
19:39There's a pan falling off the...
19:43Joan, do you think we've got better manners than the Americans?
19:46Oh, I think so.
19:47I think so.
19:48Once in the last 21 years, a man opened a car door for me.
19:52Once.
19:53And we were on the motorway at the time.
19:58Had it with you, bitch.
20:0071% of people say that British manners are worse than they've ever been.
20:04Do you think that's true or false?
20:05Is it true?
20:06I can tell you that the answer is true.
20:10Yes, 71% of Brits think that manners have never been worse.
20:14The other day I stood up for a pregnant woman on the bus.
20:16Well, I wasn't going to fight her sitting down.
20:19So at the end of that round, it's six points for Sean's team and three points for Dave's team.
20:25And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:27I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls.
20:29It's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:32Here is your first one.
20:33What's the best thing about getting old?
20:39Why me?
20:41I think it's that you start to lose your memory and Alzheimer's.
20:46Have I told you this already?
20:49I was at a family do a while ago and I was in the bathroom.
20:52And I was in the bathroom, shut the bathroom door and went,
20:54what the fuck, what am I doing in here?
20:58I don't think I want the toilet.
20:59Do I want the toilet?
21:01No, I don't want the toilet.
21:03Maybe I'm washing my hands.
21:04Maybe that's something in my teeth.
21:06No idea.
21:07And what they say is go back to the place you set off from.
21:09So back in the lounge, there you go, straight away,
21:11Uncle's having a heart attack, I've gone for his tablets.
21:21It's also very easy getting down, but it's very hard getting up.
21:25Right.
21:26Which is why Clinton never slept with a girl over 30,
21:28because she couldn't get out in time.
21:31She'd be like, down there, here comes Hillary.
21:40This one.
21:43That one is there.
21:44The most depressing thing about getting older?
21:46Tutting at things.
21:48I tutted at a squirrel the other day.
21:51What had the squirrel done?
21:52He tried to make a leap from like, it was really silly,
21:55he was never going to do it.
21:56Two trees and the branches were so far apart.
21:59And he went up there and I thought, he's not going to try and do that.
22:03And he tried and went...
22:06No one's got the right answer yet.
22:07Is it dying?
22:08Is it dying?
22:09Yeah.
22:10Look at your team-mates and reconsider that answer.
22:16The red steps.
22:18Alright.
22:21Is it illness?
22:22That's the great answer.
22:26Most annoying thing about supermarkets?
22:29Is it the veg on entry?
22:31Never understood that.
22:32Why do they put the vegetables, all the vegetables and the fruit, first to go in?
22:36You haven't bought your meat or your fish yet,
22:38so you don't know what you're going to have with it, do you?
22:41You kind of have to guess what meat they might have,
22:43buy the appropriate vegetables to suit that meal,
22:47but you don't even know what you're going to have yet.
22:49You've just got to, in this dream, hope, for God's sake,
22:52they've got chops.
22:54Because I've bought potatoes and I've bought some broccoli,
22:57and that goes with chops.
22:58If you've got no chops, I've got it all the way back there.
23:03Word for word.
23:05Hayman, do you ever go to supermarkets anymore?
23:07Of course I do.
23:08You open them?
23:11Yeah, every morning at six.
23:14Q's.
23:15That is the correct answer.
23:16I knew it!
23:19I'll tell you who I blame for the Q's at supermarkets.
23:21Girls Aloud.
23:23Yeah, there's a Morrison somewhere, five checkout girls short.
23:31Well, that sales tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:33which means the final scores are Sean, Vic and Hayman have eight points,
23:36Dave, Joan and Holly have four points, so Sean Seam are the winners.
23:41Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:43and to all of you for watching at home.
23:45We'll see you next month for our Big Brother special.
23:47Until then, goodnight.
23:52And Vic Reams takes part in a brand new series next week
23:54about the stuff we all used to get up to at school,
23:56The Law for Playground, next Friday at 9.30.
23:59Next at four, Nicky's about to say bye-bye in the Big Brother live eviction,
24:02and after that, Ian Wright is the host for The Friday Night Project at half-ten.