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  • 3 months ago
First broadcast 20th July 2007.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer

David Walliams
Alex Zane
Chris Addison
Peaches Geldof

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Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Cats, he's no lady, David Williams!
00:26Pop cultured, Alex Sainz!
00:29And their team captain, Jason Manford!
00:33And facing them tonight, smells like teen spirit, Peaches Geldof!
00:39In the thick of it, Chris Addison!
00:42And their team captain, Sean Locke!
00:46Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, if you counted aloud for 24 hours a day,
01:04it would take you 31,688 years to reach a trillion.
01:08I say, leave it.
01:1163% of women buy clothes but never wear them.
01:14I'd like to meet those women.
01:19And 98% of obese people think society discriminates against them.
01:23But they're too fat and lazy to get up and do anything about it.
01:26Come on, let's get started.
01:34What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round,
01:37which this week has a special teenage theme.
01:39Today is the last day of term for most schools,
01:41so we've teamed up with a leading polling organisation,
01:43and they've asked British teenagers what they've been discussing.
01:45It's our panellists' job to guess the top five most popular talking points for teenagers.
01:49Jason, David, Alex, what have teenagers been talking about?
01:52I imagine... Exam results.
01:55Are exams getting easier for these young people? This is an issue.
01:59In geography tests now, you're allowed to take in a sat-nav.
02:04They need to modernise stuff, that's a problem.
02:07Like, look at maths. I do maths, it's always like,
02:09Sally's got three apples in a basket and all that.
02:11You know, they need to make it so it speaks to kids, you know what I mean?
02:13So it's like, Jono's got £10 worth of credit left.
02:16He needs to download 15 ringtones, 80p each,
02:20but he needs to save 40p to a one-bellies bitch.
02:22You know what I mean?
02:24I had a maths book at school, it was Scottish maths and practice.
02:27It never seemed very Scottish, there was no...
02:29If I stab two gadgies,
02:32everyone will take the fucker to bleed to death.
02:37Jimmy, can I say we've got a teenager with us tonight?
02:40I think... Well, I'm moisturising. No.
02:42Oh, you've just done your exams.
02:45I did, and I failed tragically, I think.
02:48So have you just done them and now you're waiting for the results?
02:50Yeah, I am.
02:51It's sort of like being in sort of a horrible purgatorial state.
02:54It's like Guantanamo Bay, I imagine.
02:56It really is.
02:57Do you think if you fail, you'll be, like, working in Asda?
03:00I think I would be in Summerfield,
03:03which is my favourite of the chains, actually.
03:06Well, have you been to Lidl?
03:08Lidl is a bargain.
03:09Never been to Lidl, never actually even heard of Lidl.
03:12It's Eastern European.
03:13Is it?
03:14Nobody knows quite who runs it or where they get the stuff from.
03:19But it's cheap.
03:21So what do you think you're going to get?
03:23Judging by last year, I got a U in politics.
03:25That means unmarkable.
03:27Unmarkable? Wow.
03:28Literally unmarkable.
03:29Did you do it in crayon?
03:31When I was at school, all the boys used to go and snog and grope
03:35Julie Miller in the art closet.
03:37And, you know, they don't make teachers like Mrs Miller anymore.
03:42They had strange qualifications in my day.
03:44They just weren't called a CSE,
03:46which basically meant...
03:47It's like having a sticker saying,
03:48I've done some maths.
03:51I would say, Jimmy,
03:52British teenagers do do very well in pregnancy tests.
03:56You'd know a lot about that, David, wouldn't you?
03:59Oh, you bitch!
04:04Well, let's see if teenagers have been talking about exam worries.
04:10Yes, teenagers are talking about their exam results.
04:13Of course, these days,
04:14it's getting more and more easier to do a pass in English and ting.
04:19Sean, Peaches, Chris,
04:20what else have teenagers been talking about?
04:22Sean, Peaches and Chris, that sounds great,
04:24like we're in a sort of teen band.
04:26If you were in a teen band,
04:27you were definitely the musically talented one, Sean.
04:30I was going to say Big Brother.
04:32My favourites are Sam and Amanda, the twins.
04:35The second one that went in,
04:36when you've never seen anything like me before,
04:40apart from your identical twin,
04:42you just went in.
04:43Would you, though?
04:45Would I?
04:46I don't like the idea of disappointing two women at the same time.
04:51Carol?
04:52Carol works as a, I think, some sort of...
04:54Gargoyle.
04:58What I do find is,
04:59it's great when you get all those characters together, isn't it?
05:02You know, it's just a house full of...
05:03You know when people say,
05:04like, you've got to meet my mate, he's the right character,
05:06and they've just got loads of them in the house?
05:08It's like there's this sort of national dyslexia
05:10where the word character has replaced the word arsehole.
05:14And now they go,
05:15he's the right character,
05:16well, he's an arsehole.
05:19You know, Tracy,
05:20she entered the house looking like bagpuss,
05:22and gradually her hair has,
05:24her normal colour hair has come out,
05:25it's gone a little bit white and a little bit crazy.
05:27Every time she opens her mouth now,
05:29I just want her to go,
05:30Mari, where we're going, we don't need roads.
05:36I think Charlie's amazing.
05:38You can't beat these outfits.
05:39South London.
05:41I'm going to make a Charlie talking doll,
05:43but there isn't enough string in the world...
05:46Oh, God!
05:48It was more entertaining,
05:49it was just women in the house,
05:50and that one bloke,
05:51because he was in hell, wasn't he?
05:53They were like the harpies in Jason,
05:54the Argonauts,
05:55those things that fly down,
05:57and the man's there,
05:58and he's blind,
05:59and they've got food,
06:00and he goes...
06:02Yeah.
06:06Jason, I think Alex has got a puncture.
06:10Well, let's have a look and see
06:11whether teenagers are talking about Big Brother.
06:14Yes, they are.
06:16Yes, it would appear teenagers are loving the Big Brother.
06:19You know when they swear on Big Brother in the house,
06:21and they play the Sound of Birds song?
06:22I've got so used to that,
06:23that when Springwatch is on,
06:24I think the Badgers are calling Bill Odie a...
06:28Cheers.
06:32Jason, what else have teenagers been talking about?
06:34I think Harry Potter,
06:36because there's a new film out,
06:38and there's a book coming out as well.
06:40Of course, the Harry Potter book
06:41comes out tonight at midnight.
06:42I was doing a gig up in Edinburgh last year,
06:44and there was a kid on the front row,
06:46about eight,
06:47and so I sort of made sure I wasn't swearing
06:49and doing anything particularly rude,
06:51and I look, about 25 minutes in,
06:53I notice he had something under his chair,
06:55and he sat on the front row.
06:56I said,
06:57what's that under your chair, mate?
06:58And he pulled it out,
06:59and it was the Harry Potter book.
07:00And I said,
07:01what's that for?
07:02And he went,
07:03just in case you were shit.
07:06Apparently in the book,
07:07in the new book,
07:08there are two characters who are going to die,
07:10and bookies are taking bets on
07:12if one of them is going to be Harry Potter.
07:14Now, I've been to the bookies.
07:16Never once has the bloke in front of me
07:18been doing a spread bet on Quidditch.
07:22They give it away in the last book,
07:23just for Potter buffs out there.
07:24What do they say?
07:25Well, basically,
07:26there's a prophecy which says that,
07:28um,
07:29Harry and, uh...
07:30Well, no, if it's a prophecy,
07:31you've got to say it in,
07:32there's a prophecy.
07:34Like you're a blind old man.
07:36There was a prophecy.
07:39Anyway, there's a prophecy that says...
07:40No, do it in the proper voice.
07:42Can I sort of whisper it?
07:43Yeah.
07:44There was a prophecy that said
07:46that if Harry faces Voldemort,
07:48both of them must die.
07:49Oh!
07:50The prophecy.
07:53The thing is, does Harry Potter die?
07:55And I like the fact that
07:56if all their seven books,
07:57at the end, he dies at the last page,
07:59because he's got something like a peanut allergy.
08:10Let's have a look and see whether Harry Potter
08:11is one of the most talked about things for teenagers.
08:14Yes, of course it is.
08:16The new Harry Potter book is out at midnight tonight.
08:19I've seen a copy,
08:20and I don't want to spoil it for anyone,
08:21but it's for children.
08:22Grow up.
08:25Sean, Chris, Peaches,
08:26what have teenagers been talking about?
08:27Is it the fact that they're going to
08:28put drinking up to 21?
08:30Are they actually going to?
08:31I doubt it.
08:32It's just dead easy for kids to get pissed these days
08:34because all the drinks taste nice.
08:37Basically, it's the Alcapops, isn't it?
08:39Which is what we used to call my granddad.
08:42Are they going to make smoking
08:43have to be 18 to smoke now?
08:45Yeah, 18 to buy cigarettes.
08:46If you're worried about the health issues
08:47of young people smoking,
08:48just send them into the garden.
08:52OK, I can tell you,
08:53drinking and smoking is not in our top five
08:55most talked about things for teenagers.
08:57Oh, fiddlesticks.
08:58But lots of teenagers are talking about drinking and smoking.
09:00At 14, you're not allowed to drink alcohol,
09:02but you are allowed to go to the pub on your own.
09:05Begs the question, what would you be doing?
09:07Sitting there going,
09:08yeah, Jack, she doesn't understand me.
09:11Another lemonade.
09:13I wish I'd have known that rule when I was 14.
09:15That would have been brilliant.
09:16You know, the end of day at school,
09:17just walking in with your workman.
09:19You have a workman.
09:20Fucking what a day, what a day.
09:23I better get home,
09:24she'll have me spaghetti hoops on the table.
09:28Fingers on buzzers,
09:29what else have teenagers in Britain been talking about?
09:32Is it the potential getting back together
09:35of William and Kate?
09:37It's sort of the royal family's attempt
09:38to get their popularity back amongst young people.
09:41So I think if the royal family
09:42actually wanted to get any popularity back,
09:44they should behave like a proper monarch again,
09:46the Queen, you know, leading us into battle.
09:48That's when I see the Queen in Iraq,
09:50on a white stallion, going,
09:52come on lads, charge!
10:00Wouldn't know something about Kate's mother
10:03using the word, she was running Buckingham Palace
10:05and she used the word toilet instead of lavatory
10:07when she said she was going for a dump.
10:09And they kind of thought,
10:11you're not posh enough.
10:12And she says to the Queen,
10:13don't go in there for a bit.
10:16Apparently Woolworths are designing
10:18a Will and Kate pick-and-mix set.
10:21And I thought that pick-and-mix
10:22reminds me of the royal family
10:23in that you never realise how expensive it is
10:26until you see it and you go,
10:27fucking hell, I'm putting Prince Philip back,
10:30you can fuck off.
10:33This is the mug that the Woolies have designed.
10:35They've got all the stuff ready
10:36in case they get engaged.
10:37He looks like he's wearing lipstick.
10:39You're wearing eyeliner, you big poof.
10:42It's not eyeliner, it's guy-liner.
10:47I'm hardly wearing any makeup.
10:49You're wearing quite a lot,
10:50you've got quite a lot of eyeliner on as well.
10:53Fuck you.
11:00Let's have a look and see
11:01if Kate and William are in the team top five.
11:05Yes, teenagers are talking about the royal romance.
11:08Camilla has already given the couple her blessing
11:10while she stamped twice.
11:15Right, one more thing to get,
11:16fingers on buzzers,
11:17what else have teenagers been talking about?
11:19Is it the finer points of European tax legislation?
11:23I'll check for you.
11:24I don't understand teenagers.
11:28Myspace, Facebook, all those things.
11:31It's a way for young people
11:32to sort of get to know each other.
11:34Why are you two holding hands?
11:36I'm holding his hand and he looks uncomfortable.
11:39I'm all right.
11:40It's just friendly, it's just friendly.
11:43We're just friends.
11:44That hand has touched Abbie Titmuss.
11:47No, he hasn't.
11:57That's the nice thing about Myspace,
11:59is that people ask to be your friends
12:00and then you can either accept or deny them.
12:02It's that brutal.
12:03You just deny them.
12:04It would be fantastic if you could do that in real life.
12:07If people just came up to you at a party,
12:08having quite a nice conversation,
12:09with somebody else,
12:10just trying to strike up a conversation,
12:11but you deny!
12:14Deny!
12:15That's what he's saying about the Queen.
12:18There's a new one called Second Life.
12:20I did a gig on Second Life,
12:21a virtual gig on Second Life, yeah.
12:23You did a gig in another big world?
12:26What's going on?
12:28All right, Grandad, don't cry.
12:32Why did you do that?
12:33You're not funny in real life, a computer.
12:37I thought it might help.
12:38Computers in me car?
12:40It's even shittier than the real thing.
12:44Because then these people laugh at your ugly face.
12:46You take that away.
12:52Don't go, aww, you hate him.
12:59Oh, you're milking it now.
13:01It's friendly banter.
13:04OK, let's have a look and see
13:06if teenagers are talking about the Internet.
13:09Most talked about thing.
13:10Yes, teenagers are talking about the Internet.
13:12If you go to YouTube,
13:13you can see a video of me
13:14putting my MySpace onto Facebook.
13:18I uploaded onto Facebook the other day.
13:20Now, I've got to buy a new keyboard.
13:25Right, well, at the end of that round,
13:26I can tell you that Sean's team have two points,
13:28Jason's team have three points.
13:31Our next round is called Pick of the Polls.
13:33Our teams choose a picture
13:34and then have to answer a question
13:35based on a related survey or statistic.
13:37Sean.
13:38The Dinner Lady.
13:40You've chosen The Dinner Lady.
13:41It's a poll with a whole question.
13:4242% of children think Dinner Lady's what?
13:45Pissing the dinner.
13:46Pissing the dinner?
13:48I always...
13:49Weird dinner men,
13:50I always thought they wanked in it.
13:52Pissing the dinner.
13:54I really did.
13:55I watched a programme about Indian restaurants,
13:57they all wank into it if they don't hate it.
13:59They all wank into it if they don't like you.
14:01A documentary where they show Indian men
14:05wanking into curries.
14:09Here they are,
14:10wanking into the chicken.
14:2042% of children think Dinner Lady's what?
14:23They think they've got some kind of special powers.
14:25You're on the right lines.
14:26They think it's to do with technology.
14:28Robots.
14:29That's the right answer.
14:30Yes, 42% of children think that Dinner Lady's
14:32will be replaced by robots by the year 2020.
14:35The Dinner Lady's at my school were actually very nice,
14:37but there was one wine waiter who was a bloody idiot.
14:41Jason, Alex, David, what do you want to go for?
14:43I'm very drawn to this old lady.
14:45OK, this picture represents grandmothers
14:47and it's a poll with a whole question.
14:497% of grandmothers have recently what?
14:51Gotten up early and then fallen asleep on the couch
14:54like they do every fucking day.
14:57Sell a tape to pound coin to a birthday card.
15:00An insider had written,
15:01there you are, buy yourself a CD.
15:05I've recently knocked someone over
15:07on one of those motorised carts.
15:10There's a whole pimp my thing culture going on
15:13with grannies now.
15:14They're all getting Go Faster stripes on them.
15:17Those aren't Go Faster stripes, they're varicose veins.
15:21It involves water.
15:23Water skied.
15:24Swam.
15:25Swam, you're devilishly close.
15:27It's a special type of swimming.
15:28Ground, ground.
15:297% of ground.
15:31That's a special type of swimming.
15:35What do you mean a type of swimming?
15:36A type of swimming.
15:37But the boy got a swimming move.
15:39You mean a stroke.
15:40Had a float, had a float.
15:41Can you please stop getting...
15:43You're getting so annoyed.
15:44What is it? What is it?
15:46What is the answer?
15:48What is it?
15:49Tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us, tell us.
15:52Tell us the answer.
15:55What is it?
16:00I've gone skinny dipping, yes.
16:07Yes, 70% of grandmothers have recently been skinny dipping.
16:11No one gets a point.
16:12I still want the point.
16:15I don't know if you noticed, but David Walliams just cheated.
16:19So at the end of that round, Sean, Peaches and Chris have three points
16:22and Jason, David and Alex have three points.
16:25And that's a neck.
16:28Join me after the break when we'll be finding out what makes women cry.
16:37Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
16:39The next round is Believe It Or Not.
16:40In this round I give the panellists a simple statement.
16:42All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
16:45Let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
16:48This is a Hungarian music video that might just change your mind about war.
16:56I hope my black brothers feel the same like me.
17:03Tupac Shakur, rest in peace.
17:05He was the best.
17:06My respect.
17:08Come on.
17:19Business.
17:25Come on.
17:26Once again.
17:29I hate terrorists and I understand you.
17:32September 11th, I'll never forget you.
17:35Rest in peace.
17:37Catch the bad man.
17:38Stop your plan, big lad.
17:42Stop the war.
17:43That's right.
17:55Stop the war.
17:56Stop the war.
17:57Stop the war.
17:58Stop the war.
17:59Stop the war.
18:00Stop the war.
18:01Stop the war.
18:02Stop the war.
18:14No, I'll be fine.
18:16It's got something in my eye.
18:18Business.
18:20Here's your related statistical question.
18:22If they were granted one wish,
18:24only 7% of Brits say they would wish for world peace.
18:27Is that true or false?
18:28I think people know that world peace is unrealistic.
18:30It was an idea in the 60s,
18:32they had an idea,
18:33there'd be a chance for world peace.
18:35Yoko Ono, she sent all the world leaders an acorn.
18:38She said, rather than fight wars,
18:40why don't you plant this acorn and watch it grow?
18:44And I just think it's a shame.
18:45Just before she licked the envelope,
18:46she didn't ask anyone whether it's a good idea.
18:50Biggest waste of stamps and acorns in history.
18:53Not that there's any other competitor in that particular field.
18:57Whenever someone goes,
18:58do you want one wish?
18:59You go, yeah.
19:00Three more wishes.
19:02It's the classic thing,
19:03that's how you outwit the genie.
19:05There is a rule where you go,
19:06you can't wish for any more wishes.
19:08It's like an ombudsman of genies.
19:10You can't do that.
19:11You can't do that.
19:12And like, for example,
19:13who do you complain to when you say,
19:14oh, I wish for a knob that can touch the floor
19:16and he takes your legs away.
19:17You know what I mean?
19:19The genie ombudsman,
19:20that's where you go.
19:21Peaches, what would you wish for?
19:23Unlimited amounts of money.
19:25What would you wish for, David?
19:27I'd like to meet Mr Kipling.
19:31Befriend him.
19:32Because is he real or not?
19:33There must have been a Mr Kipling at some point.
19:35Actually, can I change my wish
19:36and say I'd like to meet the banker from Deal or No Deal?
19:39No, you can't.
19:40You've already had it now.
19:41You can't change it.
19:42You're stuck with unlimited money.
19:46Most people who believe in world peace get assassinated.
19:48Martin Luther King, Gandhi,
19:50Elvis.
19:52Bono.
19:53Yeah.
19:56Go on, so you're saying it's...
19:57True.
19:58You're saying true.
19:59Only 7% of people would want world peace.
20:00Okay, true, what do you think?
20:01We're going for true also.
20:02You're going for true?
20:03Okay, so you're both going for true.
20:04Well, I can tell you that the answer is false.
20:05Encouragingly, 22% of Brits would wish for world peace.
20:09Nice.
20:10A nice thing.
20:12I think we should put aside our differences
20:13and concentrate on what we all have in common.
20:15We all love to fight.
20:18So at the end of that round,
20:19it's 3 points for Sean's team
20:20and 3 points for Jason's team.
20:24And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:26Here is your first one.
20:28Top thing that makes women cry.
20:31Is it mentioning at dinner
20:32that they have a little crumb in their moustache?
20:37Is it sexist old men?
20:39What, love?
20:40Is it sexist old men?
20:42What, love?
20:48Is it coming home to find you
20:49dressed in their wedding dress with make-up on?
20:53It's interesting that, though, isn't it?
20:54If a woman comes home and catches a man wearing her clothes,
20:56they have to have, like, counselling and meeting.
20:58If a woman's wearing your clothes, it's fine.
21:00It's a laugh.
21:01I know, equal clothing rights is what we need, isn't it, Sean?
21:04So we can dress the way that we want.
21:08Society doesn't judge us.
21:11What is the clue, Jimmy?
21:12Oh, well, yeah, it's something that Kate Moss has just gone through.
21:14A gram.
21:16Oh, splitting up.
21:17That's the right answer, yeah.
21:22Yes, the top thing that makes women cry is a relationship break-up.
21:25David Walliams has got breaking up down to a fine art.
21:27These days he can do it in about ten minutes
21:29and that includes meeting them and fucking them.
21:34Adorable.
21:36Oh, I don't.
21:37No, you don't.
21:38You've got me all wrong.
21:40I'm gay.
21:43Finally.
21:45Next question.
21:46Most desirable talent.
21:48Is it to have the speed and agility to turn the shower on without getting your arm wet?
21:54Why are you worried about getting the arm wet when you're getting in the shower?
21:58Oh, you bastard!
22:01I imagine it's undesirable talents.
22:02Like, you know, if you're really good at a sport, there's no money in it.
22:06Like, if you're really good at archery, you're like the Federer of archery,
22:09five times world champion, but you're still living in a caravan.
22:13Is it dad reversing?
22:14When your dad reversed, like, and over the passenger seat, like that.
22:17In the back, heads down, lads, heads down.
22:22Legend.
22:24I'll give you a clue.
22:25The Bank of England does it.
22:26Print money.
22:27Print your own money.
22:28Bank of England does it, and then...
22:30Yeah, that's the clue.
22:31I can tell you the answer, that's a different thing.
22:33I don't want to get vicious again, because I can get vicious with you.
22:36Whoa, whoa, whoa.
22:37Hit it, hit it.
22:38Five, four...
22:39No, no, no, no, no.
22:40...three, two, one.
22:42All right, I'll tell you, I'll tell you.
22:44Jesus Christ.
22:46No, you haven't got any fucking questions right this evening, you've got to get one right.
22:49Sit down.
22:52White trousers.
22:53I mean...
22:59OK, so it's something that the Bank of England does.
23:01What does the Bank of England do?
23:02Prints money.
23:03It doesn't just print it, I'm not saying that.
23:05The ability to...
23:06Is it make money?
23:07Yes, it is, Chris.
23:09Yes, the most desirable talent is being able to make money.
23:12You can't take it with you, unless, of course, you've got a wallet or a pocket.
23:17Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:19which means the final scores are...
23:20Sean, Peaches and Chris have four points,
23:22Jason, David and Alex have four points.
23:24It's a dead heat.
23:26Everyone's a winner.
23:28Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:30and to all of you for watching at home.
23:31See you in a few weeks for our Big Brother special.
23:33Good night.