First broadcast 20th September 2013.
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Lee Mack
David O'Doherty
Henning Wehn
Vic Reeves
Jimmy Carr
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Lee Mack
David O'Doherty
Henning Wehn
Vic Reeves
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Is this it?
00:09It used to be so different.
00:15It was the mid-80s. I'd won a competition.
00:17The top prize? A tour of the Countdown Studios.
00:20Well, that's where the magic happens.
00:22The clock is believed to have been built during the times of Stonehenge.
00:27Oh, um, in there's the green room.
00:34That's where the cast and their friends go to unwind and blow off some steam after the show.
00:38Can I have a look?
00:40Go on, then.
00:57That's Prince over there, chatting to Eddie Murphy.
01:16Prince's favourite round's the numbers round.
01:19President Gorbachev's the one in the gimp mask.
01:22He always comes to the show when he's in town.
01:26Looks like Sam's on the chardonnay again.
01:33Pete Waterman's always on the receiving end.
01:36I want to get his chardonnay!
01:40Same time tomorrow, Sam.
01:46Don't you think you've had enough to drink, badger?
01:49Get out of my face, badger. This one will fill the back of my pool again.
01:57I'm ready when you are, Debbie. I'm ready.
02:00What have you done with Eddie's eagles?
02:03We've lost him!
02:05For God's sake, Paul, not again!
02:08Right, next stop, gift shop.
02:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:48Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
02:52John Richardson,
02:54Lee Mack,
02:56David O'Doherty,
02:58Penning Vein,
03:00Vic Reed,
03:02Susie Dent,
03:04and Rachel Riley.
03:06Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
03:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:16Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
03:19the ultimate 80s game show.
03:21Did you know, for example,
03:23the 1980s saw lots of new entries in the dictionary?
03:26Trophy Wife was entered in the mid-80s.
03:28She was entered a bit less in the early 90s.
03:31And then got dumped for a yoga instructor in 2003.
03:35Computers in the early 80s only had 64 kilobytes of memory.
03:39The only people with less memory of the 80s are Radio 1 DJs.
03:46And Countdown appeared on TV in 1982,
03:49the same year as the first condom commercial.
03:52It worked for me, I bought a condom in 1982,
03:54and I can't wait to use it.
03:57Right, let's get started.
04:06OK, let's meet tonight's players.
04:08First up, we've got Jon Richardson.
04:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:15Jon's got himself a girlfriend, so for him,
04:17the long years of feeling lonely, disappointed and angry are over.
04:20Although for her, they're only just beginning.
04:23And Jon's team-mate this evening is Henning Wain.
04:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:29Henning does have a disadvantage playing Countdown in his second language.
04:32Of course, maybe things would be different
04:34if his dad had fought a bit harder.
04:41And against them this evening, it's our special guest, Captain Lee Mack.
04:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:50Lee was awarded an honorary degree from Brunel University,
04:53which, let's face it, is the honorary degree you get
04:55if you end up going through clearing.
04:58I'll give you that one.
04:59And joining Lee tonight, it's David O'Doherty.
05:01Please welcome David O'Doherty to the stage.
05:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:07David's actually written a children's book.
05:09I've written a children's book. Well, I say written one.
05:11I'm in a children's book.
05:13Well, it's not a children's book, but it's for children.
05:15I'm not in it, I'm on it. It's a register.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:20There goes my book deal.
05:22Lee, last time you were on the show, you got no points.
05:25No-one's ever done that before.
05:28There was a previous series where I got a nine-letter word and John missed it.
05:31Why don't we talk about that?
05:32Steadings.
05:33Steadings, thank you very much.
05:34But I'm not going to go on about it, because that would be arrogance,
05:36which is another nine-letter word, just so you know.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:40John, on the last episode of Countdown,
05:42you got the highest score ever recorded on Countdown, 153.
05:46Yeah.
05:47Happy with that?
05:48So happy.
05:50It's not the size of my score, but the size of Lee's score.
05:53Oh, you are such a fuckstick.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:57Do you think you can do it again this week?
05:59I will, I mean...
06:00Even better.
06:01Even better.
06:02Today is break 200 or don't.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07Do you know what, I do like a German catchphrase.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:11Today is break 200 or don't. What is it? Break 200 or...
06:14All together another time!
06:16LAUGHTER
06:19John, where do you think Lee's weaknesses are?
06:22The words and the letters.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:27The wardrobe, that's a problem.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:31I've seen the tricks coming from a Mancunian.
06:33Nine letters.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36Probably the worst insult I've done so far.
06:38By about 80 miles.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:43Where are you from?
06:44Lancaster, yeah.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:48Nine letters.
06:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
06:52Ha, ha, ha, ha!
06:58John, have you got a mascot with you this evening?
07:00Well, I've run out, Jimmy, I'm not going to lie to you.
07:03So I nicked one.
07:04So I've brought...
07:06This is Lucas, the cop cat.
07:08Proper mascot, this.
07:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
07:18What team is it?
07:19The Mighty Leeds.
07:21The Mighty Leeds?
07:22The football team from the 80s.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26I don't think cats should have leads.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:30They always have, don't they? Have you ever seen a cat on a lead?
07:33It's a bit weird, isn't it?
07:34Why don't you support Morecambe?
07:36Because their mascot is a shrimp.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:40The shrimp can't dance like this.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:46The dance looks as if you're saying,
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50Is he staying with us all night, or...?
07:52No, I think we're done, mate.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54Oh, no, he's been relegated again!
07:56LAUGHTER
07:58No, he's used to it, he's going to go and shit in a box now.
08:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
08:08Harry, have you got a mascot?
08:10Er, yeah, I've got three, actually.
08:12For the day, I've got this, this is my mascot.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:18And I've got this one.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:22And to be on the safe side, I've got this one as well, so...
08:26LAUGHTER
08:28You've put the German one in the middle, but it should be on the far right.
08:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
08:36David, have you got a mascot?
08:37Yeah, I've got three mascots as well.
08:39My mascots are, er,
08:41Kenny, the kettle.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:44Timmy, the tea bags.
08:47And, er,
08:48Moira, the milk.
08:50Because I'm here for one reason,
08:52and that's to win that teapot!
08:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
08:58And at the end of the show, we're going to make tea.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:03I've written some...
09:04Cos, like, the problem that Countdown generally has is this...
09:07I'm trying to do just a bit more trash talk, generally.
09:10So I have, er, this is some trash talk that we'll be using throughout the show.
09:15Mm-hm.
09:16I'm leaving here with the teapot,
09:18you'll be leaving here with the tea knot.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:22We'll try one more.
09:23Hang on, we're still quaking from the first one.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:27The only number you'll be looking for at the end of this is 999,
09:32which is an ambulance, and also in German,
09:34no, no, no!
09:36Double slam, double slam.
09:38APPLAUSE
09:41OK, everyone, give it up for Nick Reeves!
09:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:50Vic started out on the London comedy scene in the mid-'80s,
09:53where he soon acquired a small but devoted following,
09:55otherwise known as Bob Mortimer.
09:57LAUGHTER
09:59Are you a Countdown fan? Do you watch Countdown?
10:01Am I a big what?
10:03LAUGHTER
10:05What did you call me, then?
10:07I said, are you a big fat Countdown fan?
10:09LAUGHTER
10:11Sometimes, Terry, I could throttle you.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:15Have you seen Countdown before?
10:17Yes, of course, I've seen Countdown before.
10:19Do you like it?
10:20I thoroughly enjoy it, yes, thank you very much for the asking.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:25And with it, of course, is Susie Dent!
10:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:32It's an 80s special this evening, Susie,
10:34any favourite words from the 80s?
10:36The 80s were the decade of acronyms.
10:38You had Yuppies, you had Smankers,
10:40single, middle-aged, no kids.
10:42But my favourite was the Lombards.
10:44Loads of money, but right dicks.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:48Why are you looking at me?
10:50LAUGHTER
10:52And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley!
10:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:58Rachel graduated from Oxford University
11:00with a Master's degree in Mathematics,
11:02covering quantum theory, fluid mechanics and applied maths.
11:05The perfect preparation for spending day after day
11:08multiplying 25 by 4.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:12Were you a child genius in the 80s?
11:14Um, I started school when I was two.
11:17You started school when you were two?
11:19Yeah, I was really, really annoying,
11:21so my mum just got rid of me as quickly as she could.
11:23How old were you in the 80s?
11:24I was born in 86.
11:25And you started school in 88?
11:2789.
11:28Well, that's three. That's basic maths.
11:30LAUGHTER
11:32Bravo!
11:38OK, it's 80s night on Channel 4,
11:40so I asked you all to bring along photos of yourself in the 1980s.
11:43Let's have a quick look at some of them.
11:45Rachel, let's have a look at you in the 80s.
11:47Oh, I was a little bit Aryan.
11:49You were a little bit Aryan?
11:51Rachel, you look really like Julian Assange.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:55OK, Vic, let's have a look at Vic in the 80s.
11:58There.
12:00That's me and my mate Jules and John Lydon,
12:04and it was at Sadler's Wells Theatre,
12:06and Tina Turner was on,
12:08and just after that, John Lydon said,
12:11why don't we break into her dressing room
12:15and steal her wig and set fire to it
12:18so she has to go on the stage bald?
12:21LAUGHTER
12:23Well, we never got round to it.
12:26That's an awesome photo of the 80s.
12:28OK, David O'Doherty, can you beat that?
12:30Yeah, pretty much.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:36I was the sheriff of Ireland.
12:38LAUGHTER
12:40There wasn't much crime in the 80s, either.
12:42Sorry, can I just check, is that a hairstyle or a grass shell bit?
12:46I think you have...
12:48Yeah, er...
12:50LAUGHTER
12:54I haven't got any photos from back then,
12:56because unlike in Britain, I don't live in the past.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:01OK, let's have a look at John in the 80s.
13:05No teeth.
13:07Aw!
13:09John, interestingly, used to be Chris Martin.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14Just after this was taken, John Lydon came in and set fire to my hair.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:21Lee, let's have a look at Lee.
13:23Yeah, I'm a bit older than John, so do not take the piss, right?
13:26We were different in the 80s. It wasn't just me.
13:28Everyone was different, we dressed different, we looked different.
13:31So just don't, all right? Me in the 80s.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:43We were different in a different time.
13:46Right, tonight our teams will be competing for this.
13:49Countdown teapot.
13:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:55OK, everyone, let's countdown. Time for the first game.
13:57John and Henning, you get to pick the first letters.
13:59Off you go, my good friend.
14:02We'll have a vowel.
14:04A
14:05Another vowel.
14:06E
14:07And another vowel.
14:08Oh, hello.
14:09And we also need consonants.
14:11And we'll have one...
14:12J
14:13Great letter.
14:14And then another consonant.
14:16I hate a J, don't you?
14:17F
14:18Can I have another vowel, please?
14:20Oh, shit!
14:22LAUGHTER
14:25Consonant, please.
14:27H
14:28Let's have another consonant to even it out.
14:31S
14:32It almost is like Führer, but with still an R.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:36Who's living in the past?
14:38Another consonant.
14:39Another one?
14:41That's high as a consonant, sorry.
14:44Your time starts now.
14:48Oh, boy.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:52LAUGHTER
15:17APPLAUSE
15:23What have you got?
15:26That's incredible.
15:28Thank you very much.
15:29I thought I'd, for the 80s special, just change it a little bit.
15:32You've got such an unusual face in reality.
15:34Everyone's thinking the same thing.
15:36Does he look worse or better? We can't work it out.
15:39Keep it, Jimmy, keep it!
15:41What have you got? John?
15:43I have a six.
15:45You've got a six, OK.
15:46There's one better than me. I've only got a five.
15:48Lee, what have you got?
15:49I have a six.
15:50It's funny, I haven't got a nine after all that shit you were giving me earlier.
15:55I won't react.
15:57I hope you don't overreact.
15:59Oh, nine letters.
16:01David, you've got a six.
16:03OK, Henning, what's your five?
16:05Shade.
16:06John, your six?
16:07Housed.
16:09Oh, yeah.
16:10As so many people weren't in the 80s cos of bloody Thatcher.
16:14Lee, what have you got?
16:16I have got minus strike, which is...
16:21That's six letters, right?
16:23I also have housed and I've written it down in case it's doubted.
16:26Housed.
16:27You've written it down there?
16:29I've written it there!
16:30Housed. No, you can see it. Housed.
16:32David, your six?
16:34I've got housed.
16:37Cos it almost feels like you've just written down housed now.
16:40It's written there.
16:41I got it ages ago. I was doing other things.
16:45Moved on. I've written half a book.
16:47OK, so six points for both teams.
16:53Vic, Susie, could they have done any better?
16:55Yeah, they could have done... I've actually got three pretty good words.
17:00Do, of and so.
17:04Much better.
17:06Yeah, and Susie, you've got quite a few.
17:08No, I've just got sixes as well. Joshed. Fashed.
17:11Fashed? What does that mean?
17:13It's Scottish.
17:14OK, so at the end of that, both teams have six points.
17:20On to our first numbers round.
17:21OK, Lee and David, your turn to pick the numbers.
17:23Do you know what? You choose them and do some work for a bloody change.
17:28Do what you want. Be random with it.
17:30Oh, no!
17:33I want the bottom right-hand one.
17:35Eight. You've got this one yourself.
17:38And nine. And the four large.
17:4075, 50, 25 and 100.
17:44Can I just take back my earlier comment and say,
17:46I'm really sorry, can we do that again?
17:48231.
17:49OK, your time starts now.
17:51Oh, I shouldn't have been so insulting!
17:53Come on, Josh.
17:56Look here.
18:11Oh!
18:23OK, David, what have you got?
18:25234.
18:27Pretty close. Lee, what have you got?
18:2975.
18:32Dead easy to do. You get the 75 and then you lose interest.
18:37OK, John, what have you got?
18:39233.
18:41Oh, you idiot!
18:44Penny, what have you got?
18:45233.
18:47Oh! Bullshit!
18:50Penny, how did you do it?
18:52100 plus 50 plus 75.
18:55225.
18:56225 and then I added an eight.
18:58233.
18:59Well, that's dead simple. You've got to do it as a difficult way.
19:02I got it bang on.
19:03Did you?
19:04Yeah.
19:05How?
19:06235 plus 50 plus 75 plus 9 plus 8 is 267.
19:15Very good.
19:19Could I be done, Rachel?
19:21Yeah, he's a 25.
19:23Rachel, why do you have a grid on that
19:26and you never put the numbers into the box?
19:30Really?
19:37Times by 9 equals 225.
19:41Well, this is already the best maths you've ever done.
19:44Plus 8 is 233.
19:48Yeah.
19:49And then 100 over 50 is 2.
19:55There you go.
20:01The mad thing is that was actually doable, wasn't it?
20:04We both looked at 233 and said,
20:06well, we've reached the end of our journey.
20:10231 whilst there is 150.
20:13Yeah, it was a lesson. We have to be a bit more thorough from now on.
20:20So that's seven points for John and Henning.
20:25OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
20:27Vic, what have you got for us?
20:29What have I got for you? Let's have a look.
20:31I've written a short article.
20:33It's a small vignette, if you like.
20:36And I'd like you to tell me how many innuendos can you spot?
20:41Oh, OK, lovely. I like this.
20:43Are you ready? OK.
20:44I ran out of money in the US
20:47and decided to work my passage all the way back to England
20:51on a cruise ship.
20:53I came upon a woman on the poop
20:57who told me she had acute angina.
21:03Can I help? I enquired, and she replied,
21:06I want to see your cocksun,
21:10the daughter of a captain.
21:13The captain's balls in full swing, says I.
21:25If that'll help, says she, I'm easy.
21:28How many did you get?
21:30I got eight.
21:31Blimey, I only wrote six!
21:36Well done. Vic Reeves, everyone.
21:42That was a smutty start to finish.
21:44Of course it was, it was innuendo.
21:46Do not have them in Kraftwerk.
21:54OK, the score at the moment, David and Lee have six points,
21:56John and Henning have 13.
22:02And here's your teaser, the words are HORNY MAC
22:05and the clue is EXTREMELY POWERFUL.
22:07That's HORNY MAC.
22:09EXTREMELY POWERFUL.
22:11See you after the break.
22:15Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were HORNY MAC
22:18and the clue was EXTREMELY POWERFUL.
22:20It was, of course, MONARCHY.
22:22So, John and Henning are in the lead.
22:24OK, time to go head-to-head now.
22:26This letter's round is just for David and Henning.
22:28Oh, dear.
22:29So, Henning, your turn to choose.
22:30Well, I'll have, then, three vowels and five consonants, please.
22:33Are you going to save the last judgment for once they're out?
22:37Oh, yeah, it's nine, isn't it?
22:40Not looking good for the maths round, is it?
22:45Say them.
22:46A-O-E-N-R-S-G.
22:51I've forgotten how many you wanted.
22:53Five consonants, so one more of them, basic maths,
22:55and one more vowel, please.
22:58Right, the last one, O.
23:00OK, and your time starts...now.
23:06Ah, what did I do that for?
23:16Ouch, my foot!
23:28APPLAUSE
23:34So, I see the haemorrhoids haven't cleared up.
23:39Rachel, are you OK?
23:41I'm good.
23:42You know, the real injury there was your pride,
23:44because I nailed it on you.
23:47You want to try it in heels, Jimmy?
23:49Hmm?
23:50You want to try it in heels?
23:51Oh...
23:53Well, that's in the bank.
23:55OK.
23:58I'm not in the bank, Jimmy.
24:06OK, Henning, what have you got?
24:08Well, I've got a six.
24:12David, what have you got?
24:13I've got a six, but...
24:16Yeah, I mean, I've got a slang seven.
24:19Are you going to play the seven or the six?
24:21We're going to play...
24:23I'd go for that, I'd go for that.
24:24That?
24:25Yeah.
24:26Seven?
24:27Henning, let's hear your safe and ordinary six.
24:30Rangers.
24:31Rangers.
24:32OK, what's your risky seven?
24:34Come on, I'm convinced this is in the dictionary.
24:36Gooners.
24:40Fans of Arsenal Football Club, but also...
24:43Why is that not...?
24:44..an old Scottish word for...
24:46That's how you bullshit in this.
24:48It's an old Scottish word for a mountain path.
24:54It's not in. Gooners, but not gooners.
24:56I've been beaten by a German.
24:59Six points to Henning.
25:00No, it's not you.
25:09Susie, could they have done any better?
25:11Yes, they could.
25:13Susie's got a very good one. Nooners.
25:15What's a nooner?
25:16An afternooner.
25:17It's an event, especially an act of sexual intercourse,
25:20that occurs in the middle of the day.
25:22Whoa, whoa, whoa.
25:23And you're not allowed gooners.
25:26Oranges is there! Oranges!
25:36Can we just...?
25:37Thank you!
25:38I'd be collected at the airport by hundreds of thousands of people
25:41if I'd got oranges!
25:43Give him an orange t-shirt, you pervert!
25:47No oranges is there for now.
25:49That's not true.
25:53OK, let's have a look at the scores.
25:55At the end of that, Lee and David have six points,
25:57Jon and Henning have 19.
26:03Right.
26:04Time now for Lee and Jon to go head-to-head.
26:06This numbers round is just for them.
26:08OK, Lee, pick your numbers.
26:09Can I pick them, look at them and then make my next decision?
26:12You just don't want 75.
26:17Where's he gone?
26:18Do you want to have a look? That one?
26:21That one?
26:22You don't want that.
26:24No, just pick one of your very tough row ones.
26:26Oh, right, OK.
26:29Smooth moves there, smooth moves.
26:31I'll have two from the top, four from the bottom.
26:34Four of my choice, thank you, Lee.
26:36Yes, you can randomly pick the rest.
26:37Four little ones.
26:38Two.
26:39Ten.
26:40Oh, I like those.
26:41Nine.
26:42Nice.
26:43Another two.
26:44Don't like that.
26:45And the large, 25 and 50.
26:46Yes!
26:47Come on, not all the numbers, Jon.
26:49New target, 349.
26:50OK, your time starts now.
26:52Come on, Jon.
26:55Oddly not.
26:56Come on, work your head.
26:59Come on, Jon.
27:00You haven't got anything there yet, come on.
27:09It's the speed of light.
27:14Oh!
27:15LAUGHTER
27:21That is good calm downing.
27:23Jon, what did you get?
27:24350.
27:26OK, and Lee?
27:27I remember...
27:29I think it was...
27:30Keep going.
27:34I've got 300, and anyway, it's a great anecdote.
27:37Tell the anecdote.
27:38So, the funny thing is that she was Birtle Orange
27:42and he was called...
27:44It's a great anecdote.
27:45It's 25 x 9.
27:47And they got married 225 times.
27:53The German didn't say nine.
27:55She said...
27:56Lee, have you got anything?
27:58Yeah, 349.
27:59OK, Lee, how did you do it?
28:01No, Jon first, be polite.
28:06Nine x 2.
28:10Yeah.
28:11It's 18.
28:12Do we agree so far?
28:13We do.
28:14Is everyone happy with that?
28:15Nothing wrong with it.
28:19Times it by the 25.
28:31Times the 2 by the 50.
28:33That's 100.
28:34You minus that.
28:35Now, we've got a spare 10.
28:37I want you to take the zero off the 10.
28:41Just go with it!
28:42Go with it!
28:43Right.
28:44Minus that and you're left with 349.
28:53OK, how do you get 350?
28:55I said 9 minus 2 is 7 and times it by 50.
28:59OK.
29:01OK, so seven points to Jon and Henning.
29:06Do you think it's doable?
29:08Yeah, there's a couple of ways.
29:09We know one, let's do the one.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:16You could have said 50 add 25 add 10 is 85.
29:22The two twos make four, times those two together for 340
29:26and add on the nine.
29:28349.
29:29APPLAUSE
29:34OK, so David and Lee have six points,
29:36Jon and Henning have 26 points way out in front.
29:38APPLAUSE
29:44Rachel, how does the score...
29:45We basically need to win everything now.
29:47Can Andrew win one more numbers round and you're even?
29:49OK.
29:50It's only halfway, so by the end it'll be 52-12.
29:53LAUGHTER
29:54Yeah, but you say that, but by the time you leave here,
29:58you'll be speaking in vowels.
30:00Oh!
30:01LAUGHTER
30:03Slam!
30:04APPLAUSE
30:08OK, time to go across again to Dictionary Corner.
30:10Vic, what have you got for us?
30:12Well, thank you to the numbers round,
30:14but of course the answer was, in fact, 98.
30:17LAUGHTER
30:19This is true.
30:20A man married his Nintendo.
30:22Did you know this?
30:24I was not aware of this. Vic, tell us more.
30:26A man has married himself, a man has married a mannequin
30:29and a man has married a goat.
30:31So what I've done is written a song about my fantasy marriage,
30:36which would be to adore.
30:38So I'm going to invite Susie to play the bongos for me.
30:42It's a beautiful love song. Are you ready?
30:45I'm ready.
30:46Are you ready on the bongo?
30:47I think we're all ready.
30:48You don't play these things.
30:49No idea, but I'll give it a go.
30:50Of course you'll give it a go.
30:51Loud or quiet?
30:52Just keep up with the beat.
30:54LAUGHTER
30:56You're the one that I adore
30:59Even though you are a door
31:03I love you from afar
31:07Even though you are a jar
31:10I want to make you mine
31:13Your hinges are divine
31:16I love your key
31:20Please marry me
31:23I love your door knob
31:26I love your cat flap
31:30I love your keyhole
31:34If you marry me
31:36We'll be as happy as can be
31:39Your door knob will shine
31:42And the doorbells
31:45They will chime
31:48APPLAUSE
31:56Thank you, Susie.
31:59OK, the scores at the moment are Lee and David have six points,
32:02John and Henning are on 26. See you after the break.
32:05APPLAUSE
32:11Welcome back.
32:13OK, everyone, it's time once again to welcome Rachel's assistant.
32:16Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jo Wilkinson.
32:18APPLAUSE
32:30Um, Jo, why are you dressed as a cub?
32:33Er, eh?
32:35LAUGHTER
32:37It's 80s night, innit, and in the 80s I was a cub.
32:41Er, still am, actually.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:45They've been trying to kick me out for years, but I just will not leave.
32:49LAUGHTER
32:52Oh, and in the 80s when I was a kid, I smoked a pipe.
32:55LAUGHTER
32:57I love cubs. I love being a cub. I love the camaraderie.
33:00I love getting pissed with other cubs.
33:02LAUGHTER
33:05Only downside, though, if I'm honest,
33:07is cos I've, um, been a cub for 30 years,
33:10I've sort of, I've done all the badges, pretty much.
33:13What badges have you got, then?
33:15Yeah, I've got Clue In and Matt Read In and all that shit, so...
33:18But also, I've had to start doing me own ones, like...
33:21Like this one here is, er, is my Dancing Near a Quarry badge.
33:25LAUGHTER
33:27I call that for Dancing Near a Quarry.
33:30That one's, er, I had to fight a bear.
33:33It was actually a koala bear. It was tiny. I'll keep the shit out of it.
33:37LAUGHTER
33:40That's my, er, Swallowing a Horseshoe badge.
33:44And then next to that is my, er,
33:46Going to Hospital and Having a Horseshoe Removed.
33:49LAUGHTER
33:51APPLAUSE
33:54OK, you're obviously Rachel's PA.
33:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:57So, after work, do you socialise together?
33:59Er, I see what you're doing.
34:01Very subtle. Just see if we're trying to work out if we're dating.
34:04We're not dating, Jimmy. Not dating.
34:06I think the phrase people use is fuck buddies.
34:09LAUGHTER
34:12APPLAUSE
34:20Er, Rachel, has Joe been working hard recently?
34:23Depends what you mean by working hard.
34:25Wink, wink.
34:26LAUGHTER
34:29It's less like having an assistant and more like caring the community.
34:33I'm happy to take that as a compliment.
34:36LAUGHTER
34:38OK, Jon and Henning, your turn to choose the letters.
34:41As an incentive, if you get nine letters, we'll take our tops off.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:46Another top one. Oh, shit, forget it.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:50Let's have a consonant. Why not? For old time's sake.
34:53OK, you can put that one up.
34:55T
34:56Consonant.
34:57Oh, yeah. L
34:58Let's have a vowel.
35:00Er, U-bend.
35:02And a consonant, please.
35:04T
35:06And another vowel.
35:10And a consonant, please.
35:12D
35:13And a vowel.
35:15Oh, that's a bloody good I, mate.
35:17LAUGHTER
35:19And a consonant.
35:21F
35:23And a vowel.
35:25P
35:27OK, your time starts now.
35:46LAUGHTER
35:50APPLAUSE
36:01That is a fit. That's awesome.
36:03APPLAUSE
36:15Jesus, he had a massive cock.
36:17Yeah, he did.
36:19I'm not going to sleep tonight.
36:21Why are you not going to sleep?
36:23Cos he had a massive dick and it was in my face.
36:26It wasn't that close to your face. It wasn't that big.
36:28Yeah, but when I try and sleep, it's going to get closer.
36:33Can we have a round of applause for that young man's cock?
36:36Why not? Come on.
36:40Lee, what have you got?
36:42I'm going to go with six.
36:44You've got six, OK. David, what have you got?
36:46I'm going to say six.
36:48OK, how many letters, Jon?
36:50I'm going to say six, because it's how I feel.
36:53Henning, what have you got?
36:55I would have said six.
36:57Good, OK, fine. Jon, what's your six?
36:59Mine's futile, cos if there's men with dicks like that about,
37:02then what is the fucking point?
37:04APPLAUSE
37:10You spend years developing a sense of humour to convince a woman
37:13and then you see something like that and you think,
37:15I'm wasting her time.
37:17It was magnificent.
37:23That is so creepy for me, dressed like that.
37:27Are you working on another badge?
37:31Lee?
37:32I've got fated, but spelt with an I.
37:35I thought I'd stick an I in and hope it was a word.
37:37It's not, is it?
37:39You should have stuck the rest in, if that's your tactic.
37:42It's not there. David failed.
37:44OK, six points for both teams.
37:46APPLAUSE
37:53Susie, could they have done any better?
37:55First of all, I just have to say, there is a word in Japanese
37:58for a man who is under-endowed, but is very keen.
38:01And it's a positive thing, and it's icky Barry.
38:04Icky Barry?
38:06Yeah. It translates as lively needle.
38:09And it's a very good thing.
38:12That's the opposite of reassurance,
38:14to look Jon in the eye and go,
38:16that's actually a special name for men like you.
38:19They used to call me the lively...
38:21Well, not the lively needle, the annoying prick.
38:24That's such a shame.
38:26So, at the end of that, Lee and David have 12 points,
38:28Jon and Henning are on 32.
38:34On to another numbers round.
38:36OK, Lee and David, your turn to pick the numbers.
38:38Yeah, let's try something. You know the top row?
38:41Yeah. None of them.
38:43Six little ones. Let's go.
38:45Are you allowed to do six little ones?
38:47Yeah. It's quite hard.
38:49Yep. Here it is.
38:53One.
38:54That's going to help.
38:55Eight.
38:56Perfect.
38:57Five.
38:58Seven.
38:59That clock's wrong, by the way.
39:01Three.
39:05650.
39:07OK, your time starts now.
39:10Well done, dickhead.
39:22Get out the fucking way!
39:40OK. Henning, what have you got?
39:42It's the same shit every single time.
39:45Honestly, I think I must be able to get this,
39:48and then I get nowhere near.
39:50You've got nothing.
39:51Well, I can add them all up and that's 30, isn't it?
39:54Jon, what did you get?
39:56I think I might have it.
39:57OK, you think you've got 650?
39:59Lee, what have you got?
40:01I think I've got 649.
40:02OK. And David?
40:04650.
40:05OK, David, you're 650. Let's hear it right now.
40:07No problem.
40:08Five by eight is 40.
40:10Five eights are 40.
40:12Multiply that by six.
40:14240.
40:15240. Multiply that by three, then.
40:18720.
40:22Ah, bollocks, I don't have anything.
40:25I'll just make it up.
40:27Jon, how did you get 650?
40:29Six minus one is five.
40:31Six minus one, five.
40:33Plus the eight.
40:34Plus the eight, 13.
40:36Times by the five.
40:37Times by the five is 65.
40:39Times by seven plus the three.
40:41Seven plus three is ten.
40:42And very well done, 650.
40:44APPLAUSE
40:45A legend.
40:46A massive legend.
40:48APPLAUSE
40:50So that's ten points for Jon's team.
40:52Just checking on the scores, David and Lee have 12 points,
40:55Jon and Henning have 42.
40:57APPLAUSE
40:58Well done.
41:00Here's your final teaser.
41:01The words are Cure To Jon,
41:03and the clue is You'll Need Magic To Do This.
41:05That's Cure Jon, You'll Need Magic To Do This.
41:08See you after the break.
41:14Welcome back.
41:15The answer to the teaser, the words were Cure Jon,
41:17and the clue was You'll Need Magic To Do This.
41:19It was, of course, Conjured.
41:21OK, time for the final letters game.
41:23Jon and Henning, your turn to choose.
41:25Then let's play the letters game again.
41:28Let's look at three vowels and see where we are.
41:31I
41:33O
41:35A
41:37Can we have three more consonants?
41:39L
41:41Z
41:43H
41:45Let's have one more vowel and two more consonants.
41:47E
41:49G
41:51And the last one, P.
41:53You ready? Time starts...
41:55P
41:57You ready? Time starts now.
42:26What have you got?
42:28I have a nine-letter word that is definitely a word
42:32and that's no more said about it.
42:34OK, this is exciting stuff. Henning, what have you got?
42:37Oh, my goodness.
42:39And I've got a four-letter word. I'm not even sure that is correct.
42:42Fair enough, it's not your first language. Lee, what have you got?
42:45Eight.
42:46David, what have you got?
42:47I'm going to go five.
42:48OK, Henning, let's hear the four.
42:50And I've got goal.
42:52Goal.
42:54Susie, Vic, what's going on over there?
42:58We're having a private joke.
43:00Susie wrote down the letters there
43:03and I said no.
43:05It's not a word.
43:09OK, David, let's hear yours.
43:12Graze.
43:14But there's no R.
43:17Ah!
43:19This programme normally has intelligent people on it.
43:22I'm disrespecting the Institute. I'm so sorry.
43:28Lee, you've got an eight-letter word?
43:30I have.
43:31OK, what is it?
43:32Dyslexic.
43:41OK, Jon, your nine-letter word, pretty exciting stuff.
43:43In the 1990s, there was a proper act called Zig and Zag
43:47and whilst many people preferred Zig, I was a Zaggerphile.
43:54Could you sound any more evil when you laugh, Henning?
43:57Is Zaggerphile a word?
43:59It's such a good one, but it's not, I'm afraid.
44:01So, Henning, you've got four points for goal.
44:05APPLAUSE
44:11Vic, could they have done any better?
44:13Goalie.
44:18OK, so Lee and David have 12, Jon and Henning have 46.
44:26OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
44:29Oranges!
44:32Here you go.
44:34LAUGHTER
45:05Omni... Omni... Omni...
45:07Sub... Sub... Omni...
45:09Sub-omn... Sub-omnus.
45:11Omnipotence. Yes!
45:13Yes!
45:14APPLAUSE
45:19Come on!
45:23Come on!
45:26Come on!
45:28Come on!
45:30It's the greatest thing that's ever happened!
45:32So Lee and David got the conundrum, 10 points,
45:34that means the final scores, Lee and David have 22,
45:37but the winners tonight, Jon and Henning,
45:40they get a Countdown teapot.
45:42Congratulations!
45:46Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
45:48and to all of you for watching at home.
45:50Stay tuned for Aaron Carr, Chatty Man.
45:52We'll be back for a new series of 8 Out Of 10 Countdowns in two weeks.
45:55Goodnight!
45:56CHEERING
46:01Later on 4, a study of the rise and fall
46:04and the progression of the alternative populist musical magazine show,
46:08The Tube, which was hosted by Jools Holland.
46:11We present Rewind The Tube at 11.05.
46:14And there's something of an occasion next on 4
46:17as Jools also joins the indomitable Alan Carr and Chatty Man.
46:22That's here after a look at some highlights of the weeks to come
46:25in our scheduled advertisement break.