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00:011, 2, 3, 4!
00:05Yes, ma'am!
00:09The Itsy Bitsy Spiders
00:16Kobe beef is so cheap if you wait till two weeks after the expiration date,
00:19and all I have to do is scrape off the little green parts.
00:31Ew, gross! I hate getting sticky stuff in my hair.
00:34It's bad enough Hero doesn't listen to that.
00:39Oh, no! Spider!
00:42Hey, why are you doing the pee-pee dance? The crapper's open.
00:45I'm not doing the pee-pee dance!
00:47I'm doing there's-a-disgusting-creepy-crawly-thing-on-my-hand-get-it-off-me dance!
00:52No matter how hard I scrub, I can still feel its hairy feet on me.
00:56I'm so hungry my tummy's gonna eat itself.
00:59I don't know why models are such bitches.
01:01Quit being such a baby.
01:03Oh, and speaking of babies, did you watch Hema for me while I was out?
01:06Yeah, yeah, she's in there. Now can we focus on how I'm dying?
01:09What's she doing?
01:20Did you feed her any of Mommy's pills?
01:22What's in the bag? Is it a dead squirrel? It smells like a dead squirrel.
01:26What's so fascinating about the carpet?
01:33It's a spider!
01:37This is all because of that pro-erected propaganda Charlotte's Web!
01:43Now you think every eight-legged freak's a feezy-smelling, bacon-saving, egg-laying martyr!
01:50But spiders are awesome. They poop thread. I wish I could have some.
01:54Spiders are not the least bit awesome!
01:56Hey Hema, if you like spiders, you should like this closet a lot because it's got them.
02:03It's like they know I hate them.
02:06This meat's delicious. You can barely taste the parasites.
02:09Oh, why don't you act like a man for once?
02:11And crush those fuzzy bastards with a football or your penis or something.
02:16I am acting like a man by not doing what you tell me to.
02:18What'd spiders ever do to you besides be super awesome?
02:22They are not awesome! Spiders are disgusting and evil little monsters who spread disease and poison.
02:28And they scare the bejesus out of me!
02:30Hey, cool. I didn't think someone like Mom would be scared of anything.
02:34Why is that so surprising? You're scared of closet gnomes and your dad is scared of tampons. Well, I get scared too!
02:39Wow, really? I was not aware of that.
02:42And what's that mean, huh?
02:44No, nothing. It's just I always thought of you as such a, how to put this, strong, liberated, independent, yet feminine woman.
02:50In other words, that don't mean bitch.
02:52And I just thought if you weren't afraid of putting your boob in hemosthieving mouth, then you couldn't be afraid of anything.
02:56You brat, I'll give you something to be afraid of.
02:58See if I do a sweep of your closet before you go to bed.
03:01Look, I know this place is a dump, okay? But we'll be moving out real soon.
03:05So just cope with it for now, Mitzi.
03:07Yeah, I've got a dump that's moving out soon. You wanna cope with it too?
03:10Shut up! I don't need your stinking help anyway. I hate both of you.
03:14Uh, you may not have noticed, but I was still eating, dear.
03:18Wow, she must be pissed at you to throw food away.
03:21She's pissed at you too.
03:23Yeah, yeah, spiders. You gotta point to this story, princess.
03:27Well, do you think there's anything you could do about them without you yourself setting foot in our apartment,
03:31which has not been damaged in any way, shape, or form that could possibly affect our security deposits?
03:36Spiders are welcome here, okay? They eat other, more nasty bugs, you know.
03:40Their webs dampen the sound of obnoxious neighbors.
03:43Not to mention, I save a ton on Halloween decorations, so if it's between tenants and spiders, I choose spiders.
03:48Oh, is that so?
03:50Especially when the tenants raise a ruckus at all hours while someone's trying to set a world tea-stacking record.
03:55If spiders could pay rent, I'd feed them tenants for lunch.
04:02Huh? Spiders? Ah, you mean like...
04:05Oh.
04:08I call her Shelob. I keep her by the microwave in the hopes that one day she'll bite me, just like Mr. Parker.
04:15Maybe this is it.
04:17Oh, it tickles! I'm not used to anyone touching me besides myself!
04:25Hello, you! It's your next-door neighbor, Mitzi!
04:28Sorry, Mitzi. I can't come to the door. All my hands are full at the moment.
04:34Oh. It's time I took matters into my own dishpan hands.
04:39Unto every generation a hero is born, one who rises to the challenge of their time, to wipe out the foes plaguing their city.
04:46In this time, in this city, I am Dr. Brew!
04:52You look like that crazy lady on the subway.
04:55When I'm through with them, those bugs are gonna wish I smelled like cat urine.
04:58But they have eight legs! They're eight times faster than you!
05:01It'd be four times faster, and I don't think it works that way.
05:04No! You can't do this, Mom!
05:08Cry all you want! I'm still going to sweep the crap out of those web-slingers!
05:12If I've learned anything from animated movies, it's that inside the heart of every animal, insect or car lurks the heart of a celebrity voice actor.
05:22Jin, this is for real! These spiders aren't animated, and neither are we!
05:26My eyebrows are.
05:28Out! Out!
05:30Come on, everyone, run! Run for your meaningless lives!
05:33Get down! Get down!
05:35Take that, you spineless fly-eating bastards! This is what you get for being who you are!
05:40Come on, who's next? Did your spidey-sisters see that coming?
05:44Out, damn spiders! Out, I say!
05:47Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
05:52Stop it, Mom! They shouldn't have to suffer because you've got no racophobia!
05:57The laundry rack!
06:03Oh, no! They got their butt silk on my silk stockings!
06:07And these aren't the cheap kind that come in the plastic bag!
06:20Mom, I'm coming for you!
06:23Help!
06:26Hang on, Mom!
06:28Don't die, I need lunch!
06:32Jin, what's wrong with your mother?
06:35She's a fatty!
06:36Hey! I'm not fat!
06:40I'm gonna die fat!
06:42Step aside!
06:43What the hell?
06:45I've got you, Missy!
06:53I'm saved!
06:55By the neighborhood friendly spider-woman?
06:59I'm auditioning for a role in Kiss of the Spider-Woman the musical!
07:02I think she's not actually a spider!
07:04I spent so much time on the costume, I didn't read the script!
07:07Did you sew it together with your butt just like a real spider does?
07:22Renal leakage!
07:34Hey, there. Come on in, Mr. Nahara.
07:37It's very adult swim. The water's wet and so am I.
07:41That's tempting, but I prefer to enjoy my sex on the beach.
07:45You know, vodka, peach schnapps, orange and cranberry juices.
07:48Is that so? Well, if I'm all wet, I think you should be, too.
07:51Gotcha!
07:52You're making me moist all over, oh yeah!
07:57I don't care if you are 18 and a perfect 10 with 36 C's.
08:02Mitzi, you're enormous, except in the bust!
08:04Hiro, you're a pig, you know that? A pot-bellied pig!
08:08Well, now it looks like this little piggy needs a cold shower!
08:17I'm drowning and I can't get up!
08:22A wet dream? Hey!
08:29Damn it! Rotten damn window won't shut!
08:39This is great. Everything in this place is gonna get soaked.
08:42Uh, honey, if you're gonna wet the bed, at least have the decency to wash your sheets!
08:47I didn't wet the friggin' bed! The friggin' rain wet the friggin' bed!
08:50Woo-hoo! Dad's a bed wetter! He needs rubber sheets just like Hima and me!
08:54I do not!
08:55Well, these are already wet. We might as well use them to stop the rain.
08:58Not those! They're our nicest 80 thread count!
09:01Either this, or we get the landlady up here to fix the window.
09:05We can't! Remember?
09:10If she finds out about that hole, we're gonna have bigger problems than rain.
09:14You realize she's going to discover that hole anyway when we move, right?
09:17You think?
09:20Huh.
09:25Crap. This rain is determined to get into our apartment.
09:29Linens and quilting first!
09:31Look, Dad, we're not the only ones! The ceiling's peeing itself, too!
09:35Instead of making your umpteenth pee joke of the night, why don't you catch some of these raindrops?
09:39I'm on it, Mom!
09:41Rain in cup. Rain in cup. Rain...
09:48Damn you, rain! I was gonna wear that tomorrow.
09:51And wouldn't you know, it's the one thing I own that's dry-clean only.
09:54Here, Dad. Thirsty?
09:55Oh, sure. Thank you.
09:58Rain in cup. Rain...
10:02Did you give me rainwater in this cup?
10:04Want some more?
10:05Shin, you putz! That rainwater isn't fresh!
10:08It comes filtered through the dusty old attic of this hellhole!
10:11Do you have any idea what's up there?
10:13Spiderwebs, asbestos, rat turds, all the crap they put in hot dogs!
10:17Trust me, when you give me a cup of water that's passed through there, it's like giving me a cup of ice-cold dysentery.
10:22You got that?
10:23Turd's bad.
10:24Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go gargle with bleach.
10:29My undies!
10:32Hiro, this cup is running over!
10:34Yeah, this one, too.
10:36Look, the ceiling's taking more leaks than me after a 64-ounce basketball!
10:41No!
10:42Everything's filled to capacity.
10:45Well, not everything. Mom's bra still isn't filled up yet.
10:50Shut up!
11:00Well, we officially have more leaks than containers.
11:03Why do you say that like it's a good thing?
11:05We could eat all these peaches!
11:07How about kebab in a can?
11:09Yay!
11:12Canned food is expensive!
11:14Rock, paper, scissors!
11:17Hima always picks rock.
11:21Outsmarted by a baby.
11:26Well, she could have at least shared her bisquettios.
11:28Don't be a sore loser. Now let's put these back in the pantry and save them for Armageddon.
11:34TV won't outsmart me.
11:36Typhoon Mido appears to be focused approximately over the falling apartments in Coscobay.
11:40Viewers in that area are experiencing heavy rain.
11:43Though unless you're a retard, you didn't need a meteorologist to tell you that.
11:46Yes, there is a difference between a meteorologist...
11:48Wow, a typhoon? That doesn't sound very good.
11:51Yeah, you think this crap hole can stand it?
11:54Well, this dump we call home may not be strong, but our family is,
11:57so let's batten down the hatches and ride out this storm together.
12:00The only copy of my novel!
12:03Some rocks with my alimony checks.
12:06Well, this is absolutely perfect.
12:08First our house gets blown up, and now our apartment's about to get blown down,
12:11so what's gonna get blown next?
12:13I'm gonna go way out on a limb and say not me.
12:19A fuse, on the other hand.
12:21Now let's just find a flashlight.
12:24Hima! I'm coming, baby!
12:26Make sure you don't step on her.
12:28I stepped on something!
12:30Don't worry about it. Help me find the damn flashlight.
12:33I don't know where it is. What about candles?
12:35We used them all trying that thing.
12:37Well, do you at least have a lighter?
12:39You made me quit smoking, remember? You said it'd kill me. Now who's going to die?
12:43What was that?
12:50Sorry I screamed, but you do fit the profile of most serial killers.
12:54Yeah, I do get that a lot. I'm used to it, but it still hurts when Mom says it.
12:58Why are you here? Last week you said my place smelled like ball sweat.
13:02Our ceiling leaks, but yours has a layer of filth and sadness,
13:05which keeps it insulated from the outside world.
13:08Slumber party at Dropout's tonight.
13:11Yeah, but I have a practice exam tomorrow morning.
13:15You weren't gonna study. You know you were gonna play one-eyed monster all night.
13:19Yeah, I mean, since you're gonna blow the real exam, shouldn't you practice coping?
13:25It's sad because it's true.
13:27Take a drop every time you hear a rain drink drop.
13:29Ooh, I heard one!
13:35Frack that stupid test and frack the stupid K-Tech.
13:38I hear some rain drops. More hooch.
13:41You're cut off.
13:42But the fridge is out and all the beer I bought is gonna go skunky.
13:45Come on, you're a cheapskate. You don't want that.
13:48Dude, you're my hero, which is your name.
13:50I like to think my parents saw something special in me when they named me.
13:54Revan, it's a good thing your parents didn't name you Pooch-Dooder, right?
13:57Pooch-Dooder?
14:00I hear another rain drop.
14:02Drinking looks like fun. I can't wait till we're old enough.
14:06Why don't I just go inside already?
14:13Well, this inspirational music tells me we made it through the storm.
14:16More importantly, so did our new home.
14:19Yeah, she's a hell of a lot sturdier than she looks. I'll have to admit that.
14:23Oh, my head kills.
14:26Why's the damn sun always this damn bright?
14:28Looks like this building can hold its liquids better than you can.
14:45What? In the back door?
14:47No, I don't think that joke's very funny.
14:49Okay, great. And do you have any oil drums small enough for a child's body?
14:52Well, actually, I don't have a period at all anymore. I'm like a gymnast from...
14:56Hey, hello?
14:59Odd. No reception.
15:01Eh? Let's go in here.
15:05What? I didn't hear anything after put it in a blender.
15:08My phone! My cute little phone is dead! Somebody kill me!
15:13What? You said goodbye!
15:23You venom scarecrow! Here's something to be afraid of!
15:27Moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon...
15:29His ass is grinding away my power!
15:31Moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon...
15:32Your ass's reign is over now, Shin!
15:34My ass reign? Like Diarrhenies?
15:39In the interest of increased ratings and capitalizing on current network television trends,
15:42Shin-chan has been reformatted as a cartoon about everyday people who happen to be superheroes.
15:47I'll stop you, boy! I'm gonna put you right up!
15:51Like a French tickler!
15:53You can try. Soon as we hear my totally revamped theme song now with a jazzy feel.
16:03Woke up late this morning, storm was really rolling, baby.
16:10Great! The song's secret frequency stunned him!
16:14Yeah, thanks, small balls.
16:16That's daddy small balls to you, Shin!
16:19As per the network's request, Hiro has been reimagined as a dwarf superhero sidekick with testicles under his chin.
16:25Why'd you jam the city's cell phones? Talk or I'll make you gargle my balls!
16:29Your lives depend on cell phones now! Take them away and you create chaos, and I'm a man who loves chaos!
16:34I also hate ringtones.
16:36I see through you! Cell phones have made you obsolete, Phantom Scarecrow, because of what you are under that disguise.
16:42An old calling card!
16:43Fine, you got me!
16:45Neticles, I am indeed a giant anthropomorphic calling card circa 1997.
16:50Take this! Cards with stupidly high connection charges!
16:55Curse his bullet time!
17:02Hey, you're hurting my already marginal value!
17:07No, please! Not the hole punch!
17:12If you punch my magnetic strip, I'll be ruined! No!
17:19Your minutes are up.
17:21Awful way to go.
17:27Hey, his guts are phone cards too, with hotties!
17:31Bad guys beware. If you mess with cell phones, my son will stab you with scissors.
17:35Detectives arriving at the scene thanked Shin Nohara, then ticketed his scrotum-showing father for a decent exposure.
17:40Mitzi, is my bath ready? I still have calling card bits on me.
17:45I'm sorry, honey. Did you ask me something?
17:48In the interest of reaching a more urban demographic, the width of Mitzi Nohara's bootay has been increased several inches, though her boobs remain the same.
17:56I've got to make dinner now. Shin can take care of your bath. Okay, dear?
17:59Okay.
18:00Shin, make your midget father's bath!
18:03Okay!
18:08Hey, where'd my balls go?
18:15Dammit!
18:16Hima, don't cry!
18:22You stupid little man!
18:26Hey, Hima! Look at the boy!
18:30To better reach children aged 4 to 11 who aren't supposed to be watching, Hima Nohara now emits supersonic screams when angry.
18:36Only looking at pictures of sexually ambiguous Japanese pop stars can calm her.
18:42Dude, I love strip club Wednesdays!
18:45Oh, an abandoned wig! Let's piss on it!
18:48Oh, no, wait, I'm gonna wear it!
18:50Check me out!
18:53It's sucking my head, and not in a good way!
18:56What the hell? You're freaking me out!
19:00Your hair tastes surprisingly wonderful, bucko! You obviously condition regularly!
19:06So long, lovers!
19:14Oh, no, Whitey senses another monster in town.
19:19Wake up, Shin! Come on, son, it's killin' time!
19:23But I'm dreaming of girls swimming in...
19:27Weird! I have that dream, too!
19:29Just get moving, you lazy pervs!
19:33You're heroes! You have a duty to go out there and...
19:35The actress who plays Mitzi demands to have one ball-breaking speech each episode. We apologize.
19:42I'm here!
19:43You're late, douche!
19:45In the interest of better appealing to Blue State audiences, Georgie has been rewritten as a left-handed vegan. He also has heat vision.
19:51Where's the bad guy?
19:53That sucker is stealing the hair of reincarnated Hitler!
19:56Get off of me!
19:58I've been waiting a generation to take my revenge on you!
20:01If this is about me killing Russians or Koreans or eating poop, I'm sorry!
20:06Attack!
20:09What's taking you so long, kids? I've got to have my hair for the rally tonight!
20:14You're all too late!
20:17Nein!
20:18Muscle! Use your power!
20:21I don't know.
20:23To not upstage Shin, Maso craps his pants whenever he uses his lightning power.
20:28You won't dare! You hate feeling squishy!
20:31How about this? I'm a balding businessman who distracts you with a tasty prawn on his head.
20:37That's the dumbest thing I ever heard, and I'm a talking wig!
20:40Take this, bunny princess power!
20:45Penny lacks a real superpower. She's now the group's token disabled kid.
20:49I'm pooped! Eat Red Bull!
20:53Here isn't anyone strong enough to challenge me!
20:56Because I'm an unstoppable fur muncher!
20:58Maybe that's not the best choice of words, but I stand behind the spirit of the line, okay?
21:02You've caused enough trouble already!
21:04Why pick on reincarnated Hitler?
21:06You know he was trying really hard to go straight. Isn't it about time you hang up your wig?
21:10Not a chance! I won't stop till every man is bald and ugly!
21:14But your plan won't work! Lots of guys look sexy bald!
21:17Like who?
21:18Captain Picard!
21:19Who?
21:20Bruce Willis!
21:22Natalie Portman!
21:24No, no! Shut up! Shut up!
21:27How dare you crush my dream!
21:37There we go. Much better.
21:39Now we know your secret. See ya.
21:45You're nothing but a giant flying testicle!
21:50You did it!
21:51Yay!
21:52Save that ball.
21:54Yeah, that's right. We showed him there's only room in this city for one ball-themed superperson.
21:58Hey, you didn't really do anything, you know.
22:04Oh, hey, Boo. How long have you been standing there?
22:06It's late. I've got some guys at Gitmo to heat vision.
22:11I'm gonna go dream about girls and oatmeal again.
22:16Boo has been written out of the show so as not to offend noseless Japanese boys. Thank you.
22:40If this keeps on, I'm sure I won't get by!
22:43But then I close my eyes and try to smile.
22:47I know things are bad and getting worse.
22:50But after all this, I can rest a while.
22:53And then I'll party, party, party, party, join us, join us.
22:57Party, party, join us, join us. Party, party, join us, join us.
23:00Shake your day away and you can party, party, join us, join us.
23:03Party, party, join us, join us. Party, party, join us, join us.
23:07Shake your blues away!
23:12Yo, break a vacation, mom!
23:15This heart is shaking and it ain't just shaking here.
23:18I see that smile, you're grinning, it's too near.
23:21Sing this song and you should really sing it clear.
23:24Just sing along with us.
23:29Party, party, join us, join us. Party, party, join us, join us.
23:32Party, party, join us, join us.
23:34Shake your day away and you can party, party!
23:39Party!
23:42Party, party!