First broadcast 21st February 2013.
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Doug Stanhope
Jesse Armstrong
Isy Suttie
Tim Key
Charlie Brooker
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Doug Stanhope
Jesse Armstrong
Isy Suttie
Tim Key
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wiper Show about things that are happening.
00:27Britain's least comfortable man persuaded to spoil a boy band video for charity.
00:32David Cameron was surprised by the warm reception he received from the One Direction boys, but then he doesn't know he's beautiful.
00:38Astonishing scenes captured on BBC's Panorama as Iceland boss spells out his company's rigorous meat testing policy.
00:45B-E-E-F, beef. That's what's in our burgers.
00:49I know, but the Irish say there is 0.1% of H-O-R-S-E, horse.
00:53Well, that's the Irish, isn't it?
00:55New obesity crisis as flurry of obesity stories forces desperate news teams to reuse stock footage of headless obese people waddling down High Street.
01:04And young British backpacker finds himself stranded in terrifying wilderness called Daybreak.
01:09We're very happy to say that Sam and his mum Claire join us from Australia.
01:15But we start here.
01:18The Catholic Church in shock as the Pope says, I quit.
01:22Yes, as the news starkly recounted, the world's holiest man pulled the most spectacular sickie in six centuries of poping.
01:28Reporters immediately ran around telling everyone the news about the Pope's resignation.
01:32And let me tell you, they were shocked. Truly shocked.
01:37Oh, I'm so shocked.
01:40See? I mean, who can believe it? The Pope has resigned.
01:44You're joking? The Pope? Oh, my God.
01:50As you could see from the wealth of illuminating coverage, papal traditions include being carted around in a perspex box,
01:56repeated holy arm waving, posing for merchandise, appearing on Jules Holland's hootenanny,
02:01and of course, as bizarrely captured on Vatican television,
02:04watching a troop of butch young men slowly peeling their clothes off before acrobatically forming a big fleshy tower
02:10while impressed nuns look on, trying not to drool themselves unconscious.
02:15But now he'd had enough and announced his departure in thrilling scenes disguised as boring ones.
02:22Oh, I hope God's going to give him a good reference for his next job.
02:25Still, at least Benedict was polite enough to resign. The last Pope just stopped showing up to work.
02:30We also got unbiased opinion on how good a Pope he was from professional Pope-likers.
02:34Pope Benedict, a man of wisdom. There's no such thing as instant coffee. There's no such thing as instant wisdom.
02:42Yeah, well, one, there is such a thing as instant coffee, and two, C.1.
02:46Anyway, now the Pope had poped off, the news was concerned with who was next.
02:50Pope Benedict was old when he got the job, which was a mistake, really.
02:53The priggish papists picked a peaky Pope as pontiff, now a proper perky pontiff must the priggish papists pick.
02:59The news began excitedly profiling the youthful new candidates in scenes which resembled the selection screen in an ecclesiastical beat-'em-up.
03:06He could be up against Peter Turkson.
03:09Peter Turkson wins!
03:11Or a run-down of the competitors in the over-75s category on X-Factor.
03:15I'm not sure what kind of Pope to vote for, really. A hardline one, or a very hardline one.
03:20That's assuming they have to do it alone. Maybe Louis Walsh would come in and get them to form a group.
03:24And excitingly, there was also the possibility of a black Pope.
03:27Black Pope sounds like a new Quentin Tarantino movie, really.
03:30I mean, I guess you could say it'd be a dark reboot for the Pope franchise.
03:34If you were racist.
03:36Anyway, seems we'll have to wait until March to find out who exactly is going to play Pope Man in Pope Man Returns.
03:41He regenerates like Doctor Who, and you can tell when it's happened because all this white smoke goes off, and he comes out with a new head on.
03:47He does. The Pope does that.
03:49You're jogging?
03:51The Pope?
03:54Oh, my God.
03:56You know what it's like when something you've already seen gets snapped up by Hollywood,
03:59and they redo it with a huge budget and make it more bombastic and violent and kind of crowd-pleasing?
04:05Well, they've just done that with the Raoul Mote story, or as it's now known, the Christopher Dorner story.
04:11Christopher Dorner was a one-man lethal weapon, in that he had the looks of Danny Glover and the insanity of Mel Gibson.
04:17From the get-go, the U.S. News was dramatically recounting this tale of a former LAPD officer on the run,
04:22vowing deadly revenge against everyone he claimed had crossed him.
04:25It sounded exactly like the premise to a film, which is probably why they presented it like a trailer.
04:29Of course he knows what he's doing, and we trained him.
04:32A manhunt for one of their own.
04:34He was also a member of the armed forces.
04:36Trained to kill.
04:38Dorner is to be considered armed and extremely dangerous.
04:41After killing several people, Dorner apparently vanished,
04:44forcing the news to construct a full-blown panic from a handful of photographs,
04:48some blurry CCTV, and countless breaking-news freak-out alarm graphics.
04:54In the wake of the Colorado Cinema Massacre last year,
04:57some U.S. News outfits went out of their way not to inadvertently glorify the killer,
05:01with CNN's Anderson Cooper pointedly using the killer's name as little as possible.
05:06I didn't use the shooter's name at all.
05:08Everybody knows the person's name, and a lot of times these shooters, they want attention.
05:12They want their names to kind of live on.
05:14But with the Chris Dorner story, all of that went out the window quicker than you could shout,
05:18The news networks were efficiently flinging every Dorner-shaped morsel they could muster through the screen.
05:23Viewers were confronted with lengthy profiles of the maniac,
05:25shown chilling footage of him training with cops so they knew how deadly he was.
05:29I think it's a 300-pound dummy, and he does that easily.
05:32Easily? This is 300 pounds?
05:34I believe that's 300 pounds.
05:36This is a very strong man.
05:38Right.
05:39And treated to constant reminders of his arsenal.
05:41There were reports that he had numerous weapons,
05:43that he had weaponry that he might be able to shoot into the sky,
05:46that he had a .50 caliber.
05:48Of course, if America ever banned guns, the only way for deluded maniacs to become famous
05:52would be to sing on talent shows, and we can't let that happen.
05:55Speaking of delusions, Dorner's mind was also being probed,
05:58as the news killed time by providing psychological assessments of his mental state
06:02by men dressed as background toughs in a Sopranos spin-off.
06:05He is a classic A1 narcissist, a narcissistic personality disorder.
06:13Wow, he sounds like exactly the sort of person who'd love all this coverage.
06:16Dr. Lippman, fascinating discussion. Thank you so much.
06:19And a good interview. Thanks, Jane.
06:21Oh, thanks. Appreciate that.
06:23Oh, tell me, what are you up to after the rampage?
06:26The news was also busily pouring over Dorner's bizarre manifesto,
06:30a document Fox shoojed up by reading out alarming extracts
06:32in the most dramatic fashion possible.
06:34This is my last resort. The LAPD has suppressed the truth,
06:38and it has now led to deadly consequences. The level of violence will be high.
06:43As well as the more rambling passages where he listed celebrities he liked
06:46and praised Michelle Obama's new fringe.
06:49Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama.
06:53As well as haircuts, he also praised prominent left-wingers,
06:56like Mia Farrow and Hillary Clinton.
06:58Dorner's admiration for left-wingers like Hillary
07:00annoyed whining Fox News spluttercock Sean Hannity,
07:03who galloped on air to point the finger at liberal hypocrites.
07:06Those on the left are dismissing the notion that a shooting rampage
07:09had anything to do with his political ideology.
07:12Hannity went on to deliberately not play the blame game,
07:15but somehow still enter it and lose.
07:17Just because this guy liked left-wingers, I don't blame him. I blame them.
07:21You mean you blame him, not them.
07:24I blame him, yes. I do not blame them.
07:27In the Raoul Moat story, Gazza famously turned up offering to help out
07:30with a roast chicken and a fishing rod.
07:32In the Chris Dorner story, Gazza was played by Charlie Sheen,
07:36who recorded a surprising online video in which he reached out to the troubled gunman.
07:40Christopher Dorner, this is Charlie Sheen.
07:43You mentioned me in your manifesto, so thank you for your kind words.
07:46I am urging you to call me.
07:48Let's figure out together how to end this thing.
07:51Yeah, we should work out how to end this thing,
07:54because if you ask me, this third act, it's kind of depressing, Chris.
07:57Of course, in the end, the third act panned out like any modern blockbuster.
08:00There was speeding cars, more guns, some unnecessary CGI,
08:04and a violent siege finale.
08:09Then, as the vulture cam circled on all news networks,
08:12the police set fire to the cabin and Christopher Dorner perished inside.
08:15An explosive climax, you'd have thought, straight out of a Hollywood movie.
08:19But, of course, this kind of thing has become so repetitive in the US now,
08:22it's a movie everyone's seen before about a hundred times.
08:25And so it came to pass that as Christopher Dorner's corpse burned to carbon on live television,
08:30an unimpressed Bill O'Reilly threw languidly to a break.
08:34We believe that if the Associated Press is correct,
08:38that this guy is toast, all right?
08:41He's either probably dead, either by suicide or the police got him.
08:46But we will keep you posted. We will be back in a moment.
08:50There was this programme called Wonderful Life that was about how science did all the life.
08:56It was like this holiday thing where Mark Owen goes around the world
09:01and looks at things like he's on an album cover or one of his unpopular solo projects.
09:06And it's all a lovely holiday, but then something goes wrong.
09:10You notice he's on his own and he looks like he's thinking,
09:13and you're like, oh, this is trouble.
09:15It can spin you out, being alone in a strange place.
09:18And sure enough, he starts saying all this moody stuff.
09:21What is it that makes something alive?
09:24What is the difference between the living and the dead?
09:27What is life?
09:29When my friend Paul went to Thailand, he had a bad pill
09:32and ended up crying and trying to run into the sea for three weeks.
09:35And this is just like that. It's like he's had a bad pill.
09:39He walks around all night through a sort of burning graveyard
09:43until he starts sounding all stoned and depressed.
09:46It's hard to accept that when you die, you will just stop existing
09:51and that you are your life.
09:54The essence of you is just really something that emerges
09:58from an inanimate bag of stuff.
10:01That's when his mind totally snaps and he spends the rest of his holiday
10:04spiralling out of control.
10:06He starts building all these weird machines out of bottles and stuff.
10:09It actually works.
10:12The stuff he says gets madder and madder until you're like,
10:15someone's got to step in and get this bloke some help.
10:18It's not right. It's just exploitation filming him like this.
10:21The chicken is radiating disorder out into the wider universe.
10:27And it's sad because he really wants you to understand what he's on about
10:31because he doesn't know it's pointless.
10:34Then he starts peaking and has all these crazy man visions
10:37where he sees the whole galaxy in his head
10:40and he describes all this hippie stuff.
10:42Just by being alive, we too are part of the process of energy transformation
10:48that drives the evolution of the universe.
10:51And then he looks calm and you realise he thinks he's found the meaning of life.
10:55And so even though he's passed out, you think, fair enough mate, good for you.
11:00Enjoy the rest of your holiday.
11:02Try not to run into the sea.
11:05Ooh.
11:07Oh.
11:09Oh, I wonder what's going on in the world.
11:12Well, our main story this morning is that at least one meteor has come down in central London
11:17injuring more than 500 people.
11:20F*** you, Christ! Oh my God!
11:24Um...
11:26Oh! Oh!
11:28Oh!
11:30Forgive me, I think I just said that.
11:32Probably scared lots of people by saying central London, central Russia.
11:34Oh! Oh, thank God for that. It's just Russia's been destroyed.
11:38Ha ha!
11:40Yes, in a series of jaw-dropping, not to mention pant-browning images,
11:43it transpired Great God Almighty had tossed a gigantic rock at the Earth
11:46in scenes which occasionally resembled a celestial game of Angry Birds.
11:50It was brilliant fodder for rolling news channels
11:52which have been in training for the end of the world for ages
11:55and now had a good dry run of exactly what it will look like.
11:58The blast blew out windows, rocked offices,
12:01disrupted otherwise charming school lessons
12:04and injured hundreds, but most importantly, looked amazing on telly.
12:08Giving the meteor story extra teeth,
12:10a massive asteroid was also headed for our fragile Earth bauble
12:13and the scientists who were promising it wouldn't hit us
12:16were exactly the same ones who hadn't seen the Russian meteor coming.
12:19As the death rock approached, The One Show put a jaunty collision clock on screen
12:22so you could count down the seconds until the misery of watching The One Show
12:25would be blissfully extinguished by the absolute destruction of all life on Earth.
12:283, 2, 1...
12:32Oh, f***. F***ing life continues.
12:35In the event, the near miss itself looked painfully boring
12:38compared to the Michael Bay extravaganza in the Urals
12:41and generated images which looked more like the 70s video game version of asteroids.
12:45Incidentally, guess who's got the highest score of all time on asteroids?
12:48That's right, the Pope.
12:50You're jogging?
12:52The Pope?
12:54Oh, my God.
12:59This is a poem about...
13:02asteroids.
13:04An asteroid was heading to Earth.
13:06The planet and all the Earthlings would be wiped out if it hit.
13:09Obama, Bolt and Her Royal Highness the Queen
13:12hired a meeting room above a pub and after some banter,
13:15they hatched a plan.
13:17The Chinese would build a massive net
13:20out of African minerals, Russian timber and Indian rope
13:26and then God himself would then swing out
13:29and catch the asteroid in the net and the French would eat it.
13:33Everyone on the planet who had access to a telly
13:36and an interest in current affairs tuned in to watch their press conference
13:40during which the asteroid actually hit
13:43and everyone apart from some Eskimos was wiped out.
13:47Over the coming weeks,
13:49that particular telecast was all the Eskimos spoke about
13:52as they fished for seals and drank heavily.
13:55Chilling.
13:58You know who always comes across well?
14:00People in reality shows.
14:02And I'll tell you who agrees with that statement.
14:04Drunk US comedian Doug Stanhope.
14:12I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink.
14:17At some point in the history of reality TV,
14:20they realized as long as we have one complete asshole on the show,
14:23people are going to watch.
14:25I like to bring it back to Simon Cowell.
14:27Okay, we have a bunch of people who are going to sing horrible songs
14:30so bad that you wouldn't even want to hear them from the original artist.
14:34If fucking Daniel by Elton John came on my car stereo,
14:37I couldn't kick the fucking knob off of that quick enough to not listen to it.
14:42Why would I watch a show watching amateurs try?
14:45Oh wait, because you have a guy that will humiliate and berate them
14:48into tears afterwards.
14:50Okay, now I'm interested.
14:52I actually said to Paula when the song finished,
14:54what the hell are you supposed to say constructively after a performance like that?
14:58Whoopee.
15:00So once they have that formula set,
15:02they realize we can use this in any setting for a reality show
15:06as long as there's an asshole.
15:08Okay, we got American Chopper.
15:11You're watching people build a motorcycle.
15:14How interesting can that be?
15:16Wait, the father is a shithead, and he's really mean to everybody.
15:20Let's tune in again and see how this goes.
15:23I'm going to fucking bend it and see if I like it.
15:25What we should have done is move these out, jackass.
15:28When you watch reality shows, ask yourself,
15:31would I watch this in real life?
15:33Would I actually go to a pawn shop?
15:37Stand around waiting for someone to cash in their valuables
15:40to pay their fucking cable bill or buy more fucking rock?
15:43No.
15:45You would if you had added an imbecile like this fucking guy.
15:48I just need $150, that's it.
15:50Nothing.
15:51You can't do nothing.
15:52Nothing.
15:53There's so many of them.
15:54They have to have depleted the supply of dicks on the planet.
15:57A lot of the shows don't even have really good, strong dicks.
16:00People aren't dicky enough.
16:02You have to settle for a curmudgeon or a nitpicker.
16:05Storage Wars is a show where they bid on abandoned storage units.
16:09Their dick is a guy that outbids all the other people and jack up the price.
16:13And his signature dick move is when he bids, he'll go,
16:16Yeah!
16:18All right, if you're ready to go, I'm ready to go.
16:20We've got a big one.
16:2110 by 20 unit.
16:22500 bucks.
16:23Ooh, 500!
16:24Yeah!
16:25Yeah!
16:26Yeah!
16:27Yeah!
16:28Yeah!
16:29Yeah!
16:30That's all you got in this market?
16:32You need to go to dick school, my friend.
16:34You could take dick lessons from John Taffer of Bar Rescue.
16:38He's probably the biggest dick in American reality TV.
16:41Not only is his show a weak carbon copy of Kitchen Nightmares,
16:45who had an exemplary dick in Gordon Ramsay,
16:48he doesn't even know how to be a dick.
16:50All he knows is he has to be a dick, so he's just a dick all the time.
16:53How dare you pick up raw chicken and then pick up cheese with your hand,
16:58pick up spices with your hand!
17:00Shame on you!
17:02Shut it down.
17:03Nobody eats.
17:05He's even an asshole when he's doing commentary, talking to the camera.
17:09He can't even turn it on.
17:10If these people don't shape up, I'll fire every one of them.
17:13I can't contain myself.
17:15I had to go in right then and there and stop it.
17:17Billy's not a great employee.
17:19He's a lazy slob.
17:20Why are you yelling at me, John?
17:22Don't rope me into this.
17:23I'm just a guy on my couch.
17:24Yell at those people.
17:26They're getting paid.
17:27All these shows have created a culture where people now want to be dicks.
17:32Kids are looking up at the TV going,
17:34I hope I can be that big of a dick someday.
17:36I don't have to go to acting school.
17:38I don't have to train and learn an instrument.
17:40I just have to be a really good fucking asshole.
17:43I want to be an asshole like that guy.
17:45Fuck Gary Oldman.
17:46That guy has to do work.
17:47This guy's on everything, and he's just a jerk-off.
17:56Royalty, and as mucky foreign magazines publish new bikini snaps of pregnant Duchess Kate,
18:01Daily Mail writer Quentin Letts brightens an already illuminating edition of This Morning
18:05by condemning their publication.
18:07They've shown these photographs of our Kate,
18:10and she's got her little bump appearing, of course.
18:12And there are people saying that this is an invasion of privacy.
18:17I think they may have a point.
18:18But Quentin's impassioned argument was sadly undermined
18:21when This Morning accidentally flashed the photo on screen.
18:24We've censored it here so we can smugly take the moral high ground.
18:27This magazine's called G.
18:29Oh, yes, this is the Italian one, yes.
18:30Perhaps it should be called Cheap.
18:31And this program is called This Morning.
18:34Perhaps, thanks to that bikini flash, it should be called This Pawning.
18:38That's a joke for fans of adding the letter P to things to make them funny, like Quentin.
18:43Still, Quentin was also prepared to stand up for the beleaguered British press.
18:47There's been a lot of talk recently, hasn't there, about the rotten old British press.
18:50Yes.
18:51And how we are just beyond the pale.
18:53Well, actually, we're not, when you compare us to what goes on on the internet.
18:57Trouble is, the next day, the internet version of Quentin's paper, The Daily Mail,
19:01ran photographs of the actress Evan Rachel Wood's unborn baby
19:04in ultrasound snaps that were themselves snapped with a long lens
19:07as she carried them in a hospital car park,
19:09thereby hugely upsetting a non-royal pregnant woman
19:12and breaking the record for the first paparazzi photo of a fetus.
19:15The day after that, The Sun newspaper also flew the flag for British journalism
19:19by running a different kind of bikini snap on a front page of dubious judgment.
19:23It's all prompted some to complain the press often treats women like whores or pieces of meat.
19:28And we've all had enough of being fed horse meat.
19:30Actually, having said that, you know who likes horse meat?
19:33The Pope.
19:34You're jogging?
19:36The Pope?
19:39Oh, my God.
19:40The decision by an Italian magazine to print bikini snaps of the pregnant duchess
19:44certainly prompted some online discussion,
19:46much of it taking place beside people's mouses on the computerised internet.
19:51This is what you think, it's your thoughts, your words, your soul.
19:55It's points off of you in points off you.
20:04Printing pictures of pregnant women is impertinent,
20:06particularly when the woman involved is a royal.
20:08As Henry visited the Mail Online to say,
20:11she is the Queen's daughter, have some respect for her.
20:15She is indeed the Queen's daughter,
20:16but the chances are the dimbo Italians don't even realise that.
20:19They are animals, or as they'd probably call themselves,
20:23they're ridiculous.
20:25Not everyone was overwhelmed with sympathy for Kate.
20:28Someone calling themselves no cause to adopt visited the Guardian to say,
20:32enough of this shit.
20:34If this family wants to put itself forward as the representative of GB,
20:38then they can hardly complain when someone takes photos.
20:40Republic, please.
20:42A polite request for the overthrow of the royal family there.
20:45We'll try and pass that on to the department responsible.
20:48The epically patriotic blockbuster Skyfall came out on DVD this week.
20:52It's the 2000 film starring everyone's favourite dick-slinging super spy,
20:56James Bond.
20:57It's the longest-running franchise in movie history,
20:59if you discount amateur pornography,
21:01which you probably should, to be honest.
21:03In it, Bond goes up against bad guy Raoul Silva,
21:06played with reptilian luciousness by Javier Bardem.
21:08Silva's out for revenge, which causes him to do all sorts of silly things,
21:11mainly involving blowing things up.
21:13But sometimes, in an odd departure for the series,
21:15he makes flirtatious overtures to Bond.
21:18We're all first time for everything.
21:20What makes you think this is my first time?
21:24We're all Mr Bond.
21:26Alongside deregulation but nevertheless exciting booms and bangs,
21:29there are constant reminders James Bond is a bit on the old side.
21:32At one point, Bond's superiors discuss his advancing years
21:35with such unrelenting cruelty, it's like watching a roast of Hugh Hefner.
21:39You don't need to be an operative to see the obvious.
21:43It's a young man's game.
21:45But that's all part of the film's self-reflective design,
21:47because Skyfall also doubles as a kind of big-budget symposium
21:50on whether the Bond archetype belongs in the 21st century.
21:54Of course, this being a Bond film, it concludes that yes, he absolutely does.
21:57But still, a shitload of people have to die to prove that point.
22:00I mean, Sam Mendes could have just written an essay for the BFI Journal instead,
22:04but no, kill loads of henchmen.
22:06Despite not making much more sense than me going...
22:09Skyfall is entertaining from start to bum end,
22:12and also has a bit where James Bond makes the most James Bondian entrance of all time.
22:18Well, he can do that kind of thing. He's James Bond.
22:21Joining me to discuss Skyfall and Bond are comedy writer Jesse Armstrong
22:25and comedian Izzy Sooty, who carries a loaded firearm at all times, isn't that correct?
22:29Yeah, that's right.
22:30Have you got it on you now?
22:31Yes, I have.
22:32Good. Are you a fan of Bond?
22:34I always think the name James Bond is quite a dweeby name.
22:38It's like the guy at school who always gets a nosebleed or...
22:41Yeah.
22:42...everyone forgets.
22:43I hadn't thought about it. It is a bit like calling himself Colin Staples.
22:46Yeah, that's right.
22:47Or maybe that's even too interesting, like Colin Board.
22:50I liked Skyfall. I thought it was good. It was a good James Bond film.
22:53That's what they put on the poster.
22:55You should have said that before it was in the cinema.
22:57They could have put, it's a good James Bond film.
22:59I mean, I think they are for children, really,
23:02but, you know, within the category of James Bond films, I thought it was a good one.
23:08What I really like is that there's no subtext, really, in the script or in the acting.
23:12So, like, if he's cross, he'll look cross.
23:16Yes.
23:17Or if he hurts his hand, he sort of goes...
23:21Yeah, there's a bit where he's holding on to the lift and then he goes...
23:27So this is your definition of an enjoyable film,
23:29is one where it's very clear at every moment, this is what's happening.
23:33Yeah, everyone says what they mean and everyone looks sad, happy or confused.
23:37There's a lot of romancing that generally goes on in Bond films.
23:40There's not so much in this one, but he does walk into a woman's shower
23:44without sort of giving consent, I would say.
23:47Well, that bit is very worrying, isn't it?
23:50It's sort of constructed like a joke.
23:52There's a woman who's sort of in sexual bondage to this man
23:56and then the joke is somebody's walking up behind her,
23:59pressing themselves against her and, oh, it's all right, it's James Bond.
24:06There would be a very different tone to those scenes
24:08if you could see James Bond's erection.
24:10If you could see that he was walking into the shower with an erection,
24:14which he presumably is, it would really colour it in a different way.
24:18Or if he didn't have a full erection.
24:20I thought he had half an erection.
24:22He was just tired, so he had to do a bit of the work on the way in.
24:25Clearly, James Bond is a dick, isn't he?
24:27He just strikes me as the sort of person,
24:29if you'd meet him at a barbecue and you'd be looking at his enormous watch
24:32looking over your shoulder in Surrey,
24:35kind of just trying to move on and go home and read his car magazine.
24:39I think he's just a wanker.
24:41I can't imagine him making small talk at a barbecue at all.
24:44Yeah, I don't think he'd invest in a conversation for very long.
24:47You probably wouldn't get to find out about his politics.
24:50Just want to look at the meat cooking.
24:53Defecation, and Andrex send an enthusiastic Dawn Porter
24:56round the nation to voice damp bog roll on people.
24:59I'm here to talk about wiping bums!
25:01Oh, good, cos we're definitely here to listen.
25:04Fizzy Dawn drags her victims into a trailer
25:06and invites them to plop and wipe.
25:08How was it? Was it OK?
25:10I'd give it ten minutes if I were you.
25:12Not as moist as I thought they would be.
25:14What have you been eating? Horseradish?
25:16No, no, no, no.
25:18How was it? Was it OK?
25:20I'd give it ten minutes if I were you.
25:22Not as moist as I thought they would be.
25:24What have you been eating? Horseradish?
25:26But that isn't enough, because for some mad reason
25:28Andrex now wants to provoke a national conversation
25:30on bum-wiping techniques
25:32by asking whether we scrunch toilet paper or fold it
25:34in a line-crossing advert
25:36that's presumably wiped its arse on someone's CV.
25:38Can't be square. Scrunch.
25:40Be fabulous. Fold.
25:42Scrunch like me. Number three.
25:44Can't wait for the next one in this series
25:46where they ask if you've ever got a bit of shit
25:48on one of your fingers by accident while wiping your arse.
25:50This, of course, is the first step.
25:52They're softening us up. First it's going to be
25:54how do you wipe, and then it's going to be
25:56ooh, can I watch you do it?
25:58Before you know it, Andrex is going to be lying
26:00under the glass coffee table looking up
26:02and filming it on a smartphone.
26:04As the horse meat scandal continues,
26:06the news continues to turn your TV
26:08into a kind of abattoir simulator
26:10with unending footage of gory carcass bothering.
26:12All this negative meat coverage
26:14is exactly the sort of thing that makes vegetarians happy.
26:16Or it would, if they had the energy
26:18to experience happiness.
26:20Sky News boldly transmitted grim testimony
26:22from an anonymous informer in the meat industry
26:24who turned out to be the biggest
26:26meat whistleblower since your mum.
26:28Horse meat is showing up literally everywhere.
26:30Why, as this grimly upsetting
26:32public health advert apparently shows,
26:34you can't even pop out for a crafty fag
26:36without finding horse meat in your cigarette.
26:38Ooh. Question is,
26:40where's it all coming from?
26:42In exciting development, the horse meat scandal
26:44morphed into the international horse meat scandal
26:46as reporters fearlessly pursued
26:48the trail of edible hooves across the globe.
26:50Turns out our food is locally sourced,
26:52but only in galactic terms.
26:54Journalists touched down
26:56in France, Luxembourg, and eventually
26:58in Romania, which was accused of slipping
27:00horse into the mince supply.
27:02Any attempt to get our cameras into abattoirs
27:04or meat processing factories
27:06here in Romania has been met
27:08with the same answer, no.
27:10There's a vague implication in the reports
27:12that Romania is a faintly suspicious medieval hamlet
27:14where horses are used as machinery.
27:16Of course, it didn't help that when the news
27:18came a-knocking, the Romanian abattoir industry
27:20managed to dig up the least convincing representative
27:22imaginable, a man sitting
27:24smoking in a lair-like office
27:26with a floor littered with an unsettling array
27:28of animal skulls.
27:30First the slaughterhouse sell horse meat,
27:32the end
27:34buy beef meat.
27:36But no sooner had the news landed in foreign land
27:38than food cops in the UK
27:40began investigating meat plants back home,
27:42reining the horse meat story in
27:44and proving it's not all about Johnny Foreigner.
27:46They raided premises in Yorkshire, London,
27:48and Wales where the news made clear
27:50everyday activity had been taking place
27:52up to the last moment.
27:54He also insisted the plant was still operational
27:56and they were boning horse meat today.
27:58Well, I guess it is
28:00pretty lonely down the meat plant.
28:02As more and more foodstuffs are implicated in the scandal,
28:04it's clear horse meat isn't going to go away anytime soon.
28:06Actually, interesting fact,
28:08you know who's launching his own range of Vatican burgers?
28:10The Pope.
28:12You're jogging?
28:14The Pope?
28:16Oh my God.
28:18Yes, well that's all we've got time for this week.
28:20Until next time, go away.