Charlie Brooker's 2016 Wipe.

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deaddogsmoking
  • 2 days ago
First broadcast 29th December 2016.

Charlie Brooker

Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk

Brian Cox
Simon McCoy

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00:00It's going to be depressing for everyone and...
00:00:06You're not paid at all?
00:00:12All right, we've got to do it.
00:00:30Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching 2016 Wipe, a programme about things that happened during 2016. Things like this.
00:00:43The past 12 months have overflowed with harrowing conflict, terror attacks, celebrity deaths and general upheaval.
00:00:502016 has been a year so huge and scary I've had to invent a new word to describe it.
00:00:55Shipmungus.
00:00:57Britain sensationally voted to leave the EU. The votes split the nation into real people versus elitists.
00:01:03And if you don't know which is which, well, former city trader Nigel Farage is a real person, whereas refugee-loving Gary Lineker is an elitist.
00:01:10Even though, as this tragic footage reveals, he can't afford clothes.
00:01:14Former Labour shadow chancellor Ed Balls wowed the nation with his incredible appearances on Strictly Come Dancing.
00:01:20Not to be outdone, Jeremy Corbyn astonished millions by dancing on Labour's grave.
00:01:25Following an election campaign in which he insulted and alienated Mexicans, Muslims, military families, minority groups and women,
00:01:32Donald Trump rode to victory by appealing to just one white male.
00:01:37There's a lot to get through, but we'll get through it together. Let's start with January.
00:01:43As 2016 dawned, there was one cause for optimism, which was that at least it wasn't 2015 anymore.
00:01:482015 had left us on our knees, experiencing one dispiriting blow after another, just like your mum.
00:01:54But 2016 was bound to be better, if only by default. And sure enough, it began fairly innocently.
00:02:00Take a look at this. You may just be able to make out a puddle.
00:02:06Oh, goody, I like this sort of news. It's just like news without the news in it.
00:02:10Believe it or not, for a fairly long time yesterday, this very scene became an online sensation.
00:02:15Yes, gripping live footage of pedestrians trying to navigate a big puddle in Newcastle went viral on social media
00:02:22and soon everyone was planning their own puddle-based programming.
00:02:25We could look forward to the Great British Lake Off, Splash in the Attic, Welly Addicts, Downpour Abbey, Pool Dark,
00:02:30Dripper Street, The Apprentice and, of course, Puddle Fix It.
00:02:34Oh, let me have a laugh. Have you seen the state of this year?
00:02:38Anyhow, no sooner had it been catapulted to worldwide fame than in harrowing scenes,
00:02:43Newcastle Council wiped the puddle off the face of the road. Murderers!
00:02:47And not long after the puddle left us, the world wept an entire ocean, thanks to some other news.
00:02:53Unsuspecting Heart FM listeners were among the first to find out what had happened.
00:02:57Right now, 8.30, here's the latest.
00:03:00From Global's newsroom, I'm Fiona Winchester. David Cameron has died...
00:03:04David Bowie has died after a secret...
00:03:07Good evening. It is not often we begin a news programme like this with the death of a rock star,
00:03:12but David Bowie was no ordinary star and his was no ordinary death.
00:03:16Didn't fall in a puddle, did he?
00:03:18Yes, the news sombrely announced that iconic musician David Bowie had died,
00:03:22leading to a heartfelt outpouring of grief and briefly turning the coverage
00:03:26into every BBC Four music documentary you've ever seen.
00:03:30When Ziggy Stardust came out, I was 12 years old.
00:03:33It said on the back, play at maximum volume,
00:03:36so I put my head between two speakers on the floor and did.
00:03:40Journalist and tinnitus software Paul Mason there.
00:03:43There was this David Bowie bloke who was a genius.
00:03:46He was a pop star and also a spaceman,
00:03:49and he became the first person to discover there were spiders on Mars.
00:03:53What was inspiring was how he overcame this massive stutter.
00:03:57I mean, sometimes you could still hear it when he sang.
00:04:00Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
00:04:02Turn and face the strange
00:04:04Ch-ch-ch-changes
00:04:06He sang about things no-one had bothered writing songs about before,
00:04:10like space travel and fame and Les Dennis.
00:04:14And about salmon fishing.
00:04:18And about someone making love with his eagle.
00:04:21Making love with his eagle
00:04:24Which is sort of sick, come to think of it.
00:04:27He had all these different personalities,
00:04:29like Harry Potter, Peter Cook,
00:04:32Rue Lelenska, David Bowie, David Bowie.
00:04:35I mean, it was like he was on shuffle mode.
00:04:37You never knew who was going to be next.
00:04:39Ziggy played for time
00:04:41I liked Ziggy Stardust and the funky businessman thing he did in the 80s,
00:04:45but my favourite of all David Bowie's personas has to be Prince.
00:04:49Be beautiful
00:04:53Turn me on
00:04:55But obviously that died with him.
00:04:57Bowie was always a trailblazer,
00:04:59but in 2016 he sadly kick-started a hot new trend for celebrities dying.
00:05:03Alan Rickman, Terry Wogan, Paul Daniels, Gary Shandling,
00:05:07Ronnie Corbett, Victoria Wood, Prince,
00:05:09Muhammad Ali, Carolina Hearn,
00:05:11Gene Wilder, Leonard Cohen, Andrew Sachs,
00:05:13A. A. Gill and Ian McCaskill, they all left us.
00:05:16So if there really is a star man waiting in the sky,
00:05:18it's probably just because there's a queue up there.
00:05:20In February, Prime Minister-oid David Campbell-Konk
00:05:23stood outside number 10 at his silly little podium,
00:05:25coming out with some boring rubbish about some referendum that wasn't going to matter.
00:05:30I believe that Britain will be safer, stronger and better off in a reformed European Union.
00:05:38Don't know why they're even televising this.
00:05:40Tilt the camera down, there might be a puddle near his feet. That's real news.
00:05:43Don't be in any doubt, this is one of the biggest political moments for years.
00:05:48Whatever. Remain or win, obviously.
00:05:54In the early stages of the campaign, the Remain side seemed quietly confident,
00:05:57as if they didn't really need to put their backs into it,
00:05:59because in all likelihood they were going to win.
00:06:02The hashtag for today is hashtag students in.
00:06:05By contrast, the Leave campaign had grassroots support from everyday folks,
00:06:09such as Michael Gove, seen here slumming it on a dress-down Friday.
00:06:12Gove's inclusion was particularly juicy as far as the news was concerned,
00:06:16because him and Cameron had been confidants,
00:06:18so they were watching him closely, like he was a rare creature they'd spotted in the wild.
00:06:22This is Michael Gove. Was that a difficult decision, Mr Gove?
00:06:25Oh, look at that. You caught him. 500 points.
00:06:28It's just like a game, this. Pokemon Gove.
00:06:30Days later, Leave bagged an even bigger working-class hero
00:06:33in the form of horny-handed everyman, Bullingdon Club grandee,
00:06:36Telegraph columnist and Megabucks TV star Alexander Boris de Pfeffel-Johnson,
00:06:41seen here failing to enter No. 10 in a visual metaphor for his entire year.
00:06:45Of course, this decision was seen by many, including ITV News.
00:06:48It's less about BoJ's desire to leave than his desire to lead.
00:06:52Boris, quite close colleagues of yours do say
00:06:56that they see it as your pitch to be Tory leader.
00:06:59Are you sure that's not the case?
00:07:01It's not, and I want to make one thing absolutely clear.
00:07:07Oh, look out, I think he's crashed. Someone hit him with a shoe.
00:07:10Whatever happens at the end of this, and I've said this to the Prime Minister,
00:07:15he's got to stay.
00:07:16For now, the PM was staying, on his arse, on Andrew Marr's sofa,
00:07:19where he was having to field questions
00:07:21about his ultra-loyal Bullingdon pals' defection to the Leave camp.
00:07:24I would say to Boris what I say to everybody else.
00:07:27I was never near that pig.
00:07:28We will be safer, we'll be stronger.
00:07:30Safer, stronger, better off inside the EU.
00:07:32Well, of course you do, because that's what everyone thinks.
00:07:35Mark my words, come June, this will all be over in five minutes.
00:07:40Queen Lizzo McToo turned 90 this year,
00:07:42which is impressive by anyone's standards.
00:07:44And as the news made crystal clear, many were keen to mark the occasion.
00:07:47The Keep Britain Tidy campaign encouraged her madges subjects
00:07:50to get out and pick up litter, or clean for the Queen.
00:07:53The idea is that we all spruce up our communities this weekend
00:07:57ahead of the Queen turning 90.
00:07:59Yeah, come on, proles, let's get cleaning.
00:08:02Despite high-profile support from Leave campaign mega-patriots
00:08:05Boris Johnson and Michael Gove,
00:08:07who posed for these delightfully persuasive promo shots,
00:08:10the campaign proved a little divisive.
00:08:12Some people thought it was a bit patronising to ask citizens
00:08:15to put on a little bib and go around picking crap up off the floor
00:08:18in demeaning scenes like this,
00:08:20although campaign fan and celebrity estate agent Kirsty Thingamaposh
00:08:23disagreed in the face of tough questioning on Good Morning Plebs.
00:08:26I mean Britain.
00:08:28There have been people saying, why should we clean for the Queen?
00:08:31We're not peasants scrubbing the streets.
00:08:33Speak for yourself, I am. I know my place.
00:08:35There are always people who don't want to join in.
00:08:37Whatever you're doing, there are people who are going to whinge about it.
00:08:40This is a valuable cleaning time.
00:08:42Come on, proles, for Queen and country.
00:08:44There's a lot to be said for feeling in control.
00:08:46We all want to feel in control.
00:08:48I'm in control here. I'm taking back control.
00:08:51When you go out and you do a litter pick,
00:08:53you're gathering together with a group of people
00:08:56who all feel as you do, you've got a common enemy...
00:08:58We're foreigners. ..that is litter.
00:09:00Oh, yes, of course.
00:09:02But if clean for the Queen was an unofficial tribute,
00:09:05the official birthday tribute was even more spectacular.
00:09:08And to welcome this knight from his musical finder Neverland,
00:09:11please welcome Gary Barlow.
00:09:13Oh, good. I love Gary Barlow.
00:09:15Although I can't help thinking he's trying to drop the Queen
00:09:18a subtle hint about knighthoods here.
00:09:20SOMETHING ABOUT THIS KNIGHT
00:09:23SOMETHING ABOUT THIS KNIGHT
00:09:26Here's Something About This Knight.
00:09:28He sounds like Sir Elton John.
00:09:30Do Candle In The Wind. Actually, probably best if you don't.
00:09:33I can feel it
00:09:35I'm swimming in the air
00:09:37Something just beyond compare
00:09:40Oh, fucking bloody, bloody air!
00:09:44The show chiefly consisted of horse displays.
00:09:47In fact, it had more horse in it than Catherine the Great,
00:09:49and the Queen loved every minute.
00:09:51And even if you hated horses, you could entertain yourself
00:09:53by noting how the stadium slowly filled with horse shit
00:09:56as the evening wore on. By the end, it was a right state.
00:09:59And you know what to do when there's a mess.
00:10:01Come on, Kirsty Oldsop. Come on, Michael Gove.
00:10:03Go on, clean for the Queen. Get your fucking bibs on.
00:10:05Go on, do it. Do it now, or it's treason.
00:10:08This year, to make people laugh and save money,
00:10:10the BBC brought back loads of old sitcoms like Steptoe and Son
00:10:14and Are You Being Served? and a new version of Porridge.
00:10:17And then they did Forty Towers, but they had to change the name,
00:10:21so they called it The Night Manager instead.
00:10:23I hope no-one would notice.
00:10:25It looked all glossy and modern, but it was basically the same as Forty Towers.
00:10:29Like, it was still about this tall, sort of nervous bloke
00:10:31who's in charge of a hotel.
00:10:33Anyway, the big problem was, it wasn't very funny.
00:10:36Like, in old Forty Towers, it was always hilarious
00:10:38when the guests got crossed with Basil.
00:10:40I think this is probably the worst hotel we've ever stayed in.
00:10:43But in The Night Manager, it was just sort of horrible and tense.
00:10:46Do you know where my family are? Open the room. Open the room.
00:10:49Which one? In the proper Forty Towers,
00:10:51when Basil went into a room with a sexy lady,
00:10:54he'd get into a side-splitting misunderstanding.
00:10:56LAUGHTER
00:11:01But the Basil in The Night Manager
00:11:03would just end up earnestly having sex with her.
00:11:07When Forty Towers' Basil finds a dead guest,
00:11:09it's just the start of a rib-tickling sequence of events
00:11:12where he has to keep hiding the body till you're absolutely falling about.
00:11:15Oh, sorry, sorry, can't be like that. Sorry.
00:11:19But when rebooted modern Night Manager Basil finds a dead guest in a room,
00:11:23he just gets all sad and he has this intense emotional meltdown,
00:11:27which was nothing like as funny as the sort of meltdowns proper Basil used to have.
00:11:31LAUGHTER
00:11:34We've forgotten what comedy is in this country.
00:11:37Meanwhile, in America, something was going on
00:11:39which I can't ignore any longer in this programme.
00:11:42Try as I might for my own mental wellbeing.
00:11:44Cue nightmarish dystopian news footage.
00:11:47Enemies of freedom
00:11:51Face the music
00:11:52Come on, boys, take them down
00:11:55President Donald Trump
00:11:57Donald Trump knows how to make America great
00:12:01Deal from strength or get crushed every time
00:12:06Yes, news coverage was increasingly dominated
00:12:08by retiring wallflower Donald J Trump.
00:12:11Who's going to pay for the wall?
00:12:13Who?
00:12:16Trump seemed completely unelectable as the news made clear
00:12:19he'd been rude about Mexicans, rude about Muslims
00:12:21and even rude about a disabled reporter.
00:12:23You've got to see this guy.
00:12:24I don't know what I said. I don't remember.
00:12:27The Republicans had plenty of other contenders
00:12:29who on the news looked like the kind of president you get in movies.
00:12:32Yet here they were, being thrashed by a man
00:12:34who resembles a clingfilm parcel of Frankfurt and meat
00:12:36that's been kicked through a yellow cobweb.
00:12:38How tough is it to take property from an elderly woman?
00:12:41Let me talk. Quiet.
00:12:42Some fought back in equally childish fashion.
00:12:44Marco Rubio was all over the networks mocking Trump's hand size.
00:12:48And you know what they say about men with small hands?
00:12:52Trump wasn't taking that shit.
00:12:54And in unprecedented scenes, he was seen bragging
00:12:56about the size of his knob on live television.
00:12:59He referred to my hands. If they're small,
00:13:01something else must be small.
00:13:03I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee it.
00:13:06I suppose it's refreshing, really, for a potential president
00:13:08to be this candid. I mean, we don't know how big
00:13:10other presidents' penises have been
00:13:12because Mount Rushmore stops at the neck.
00:13:14Sad vampire Ted Cruz was now Trump's final target.
00:13:17Mad donkey Trump immediately set about trolling the shit out of him.
00:13:20First, by tweeting an unflattering photo of Cruz's wife.
00:13:23I don't get angry often.
00:13:26But you mess with my wife, you mess with my kids,
00:13:28that'll do it every time.
00:13:30Donald, you're a snivelling coward, and leave Heidi the hell alone.
00:13:33Feisty scenes, and there was equally tetchy coverage
00:13:35when Trump slagged off Cruz's dad.
00:13:37Donald Trump alleges that my dad was involved in assassinating JFK.
00:13:42Lee Harvey Oswald's son there, whining like a snowflake cuck.
00:13:46At first, the media seemed to find all of this wryly amusing,
00:13:49smirking throughout Trump's ascent like they were watching
00:13:51an adorable toddler playing with a power tool,
00:13:54without apparently considering that he might just learn how to switch it on.
00:13:57Trump was increasingly unstoppable, and even he seemed surprised,
00:14:00speaking here at a televised event where he embraced the host
00:14:03and then mimed he was a wanker.
00:14:05I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody,
00:14:08and I wouldn't lose any voters, OK?
00:14:10Only if it's someone Putin wants you to shoot.
00:14:12Not all the famous people who died this year were real, you know.
00:14:15Yes, in the face of a terminal illness, Albert Square Stalwart Peggy Mitchell
00:14:19decided she just couldn't carry on.
00:14:21Get it? Carry on! It's a reference joke, love.
00:14:24Rather than suffer the gruelling, ongoing indignity of being in EastEnders,
00:14:28she chose to write herself out of existence for good in a suicide plot,
00:14:31thereby becoming pretty much the only Londoner who voted to leave.
00:14:35With her grip on sanity slipping, in her final moments,
00:14:38Peggy had a vision of old sparring partner Pat Butcher.
00:14:41I might have known it was you.
00:14:44I think Pat could have been one of David Bowie's personas, come to think of it.
00:14:47Ziggy Fagash.
00:14:49In a moving finale, Peggy gobbled down some death pills
00:14:51and left both the square and her beloved boob-headed sons, Grant and Phil.
00:14:54They're not as young as they used to be.
00:14:56In fact, as you could tell from the moving scenes in which he found Peggy's body,
00:14:59Phil's so out of shape he gets exhausted operating a light switch.
00:15:04HE BREATHES HEAVILY
00:15:10Having come across the prone form of his mother
00:15:12for hopefully the first time in his life,
00:15:14Phil tried to console himself by reading a letter Peggy had left him
00:15:17while sitting on the official Albert Square grief bench,
00:15:20only to finally give up when he remembered he can't read.
00:15:26Adding insult to injury for Phil,
00:15:28Peggy's grave was located a long walk away up a hill accessible only on foot.
00:15:33But the BBC had at least given his mum the most BBC send-off in history,
00:15:37cos she was buried beneath a Bake Off showstopper.
00:15:40In June, that pesky referendum was drawing nearer.
00:15:43Lucky old Team Remain had three secret weapons.
00:15:46Weapon number one, relatable everyman George Osborne.
00:15:49All aboard for Britain remaining in the European Union.
00:15:54Weapon number two, beloved national figurehead David Cameron,
00:15:58seen here winning over an audience of millennials in a sparky online debate.
00:16:02So I'm voting Remain, but nothing to do with you guys.
00:16:05I hate the Tories, I'm just going to say you've fucked everything up in this country.
00:16:09You've screwed students, you've screwed the disabled, the vulnerable.
00:16:12Don't forget the pig.
00:16:14Also popular with young folk, weapon number three, Jeremy Corbyn.
00:16:17This fiery proponent of Remain made a series of sparky media appearances,
00:16:21such as the time he appeared on accessible comedy vehicle The Last Leg
00:16:25to ooze pro-EU enthusiasm like a stone oozes blood.
00:16:29On a scale of one to ten, where one couldn't really care less about the EU,
00:16:33and ten is on jumping on the couch like Tom Cruise on Oprah.
00:16:36How passionate are you about staying in the EU?
00:16:39Oh, I put myself in the upper half of the five to ten,
00:16:43so we're looking at seven, seven and a half.
00:16:45Ooh, not quite. Maybe seven.
00:16:47Facing this outrageously pumped-up opposition was the Leave campaign,
00:16:50which was actually more like two campaigns.
00:16:52Campaign one was the A-list Vote Leave gang,
00:16:55spearheaded by clean-for-the-queeners Michael Gove and Boris Johnson.
00:16:58Scrupulously polite Michael Gove was out and about,
00:17:01brightening up the news considerably,
00:17:03confidently putting his case for British sovereignty
00:17:05and denying he had any political ambitions.
00:17:08When Mr Cameron steps down in the future,
00:17:10are you considering a leadership bid?
00:17:12Steve, I can tell you I'm absolutely not.
00:17:15Couldn't be clearer. I'm sure I'll never have to refer to this clip ever again.
00:17:18Meanwhile, Bozza was driving around the country in a bus
00:17:21with a startling figure printed up the side.
00:17:23350 million a week for the NHS. That's a lot of plasters.
00:17:27And it's printed on the side of a bus,
00:17:29so British law dictates that this must and will happen,
00:17:32although ITV's Tom Bradby seemed notably unimpressed.
00:17:35Let's deal with your arguments. One of them is on the side of this bus.
00:17:38We send 350 million to Europe. We don't.
00:17:41And you know we don't. No, we don't. You know we don't.
00:17:44Admit that that figure is grotesquely misleading at best.
00:17:47No, I won't. I won't. I won't.
00:17:49Meanwhile, Leave campaign number two was Leave.eu,
00:17:52fronted by Nigel Farage.
00:17:54Farage had actually quit UKIP last year,
00:17:56only to reappear once again,
00:17:58the human equivalent of a pop-up advert you just can't click away.
00:18:01He was all over the news, causing controversy
00:18:03by implying a vote to remain could risk
00:18:05Cologne-style mass sex attacks occurring in Britain.
00:18:08Mrs Merkel has made a very big error
00:18:11in allowing a very large number of young males
00:18:14to come into Germany unaccompanied.
00:18:17And let's be honest, some of the cultures they come from
00:18:20treat women completely differently to our Western values.
00:18:23Yeah, Nigel's got no time for anyone who disrespects women.
00:18:26Well, unless they're important.
00:18:28Then he stands in a gold room pissing his pants at their locker room talk,
00:18:31as you can see from this gaudy souvenir snap.
00:18:33Meanwhile, the polls were shifting, sometimes putting Leave in the lead.
00:18:36Team Remain were getting worried, so they started pulling out the stops.
00:18:39Cameron appeared on Channel 4 News
00:18:41to repeat his stronger-in mantra yet again,
00:18:43but this time in pinkface.
00:18:45I think we are better off, safer and stronger,
00:18:47as part of a European Union.
00:18:49Oh, my God, he's off the Cameron pink scale.
00:18:51Look, this pumps me up. Right now, he's gone past Gammon.
00:18:54He's going to blow.
00:18:56Soon, Team Remain was Project Fear.
00:18:58They said if we voted Leave, there'd be a financial catastrophe,
00:19:01an emergency budget, maybe even a war.
00:19:03Society would spiral out of control.
00:19:05Brangelina would split up.
00:19:07The iPhone 7 wouldn't have a headphone jack.
00:19:09The £5 note would be full of animal fat.
00:19:11The Bake Off would f*** off and Ed Balls would dance live on television.
00:19:14It was all beyond belief.
00:19:16Well, Boris certainly seemed to think so,
00:19:18as the news made abundantly clear.
00:19:20All those who prophesy gloom and doom for British business,
00:19:24look at, look at, I say their pants are on fire.
00:19:27You know you're standing there calling them liars in front of that bus, yeah?
00:19:30Britain had never gone to war at sea against itself before,
00:19:33but thanks to the divisive magic of the referendum, that's what happened.
00:19:36Yes, Nigel Farage bobbed up the Thames,
00:19:38accompanied by a flotilla of pro-Leave boats,
00:19:40but was rudely interrupted when a rival Remain boat,
00:19:43captained by swearing live aide Gibbon Bob Geldof,
00:19:46pulled up alongside to calmly debate the issues in a dignified manner.
00:19:50Nigel, you're a fraud.
00:19:53Britain makes more money than any other country in Europe from fishing.
00:19:58Britain has the second largest quota for fish in Europe after Denmark.
00:20:04Yeah, stick with it, the chorus gets catchy.
00:20:06It was hard to escape a growing sense that this was all spiralling out of control.
00:20:10The next morning, Farage unveiled a contentious poster
00:20:13depicting a line of Syrian refugees fleeing a war zone.
00:20:16Typical foreigners, only been here five minutes
00:20:18and they've already landed a cushy job in advertising.
00:20:21As Farage posed for snaps, it looked like he was stood at the front of the queue,
00:20:24a bit like his Huguenot ancestors were when they migrated here.
00:20:27The poster was headlined Breaking Point, and it felt like we were reaching one.
00:20:31And then...
00:20:34Tonight at ten, tributes to the Labour MP Jo Cox,
00:20:37who's died after being stabbed and shot on a street in West Yorkshire.
00:20:41She was 41, married with two young children
00:20:44and was elected to Parliament just over a year ago.
00:20:47What words did you hear?
00:20:49The words I heard him say was, Britain first, I'll put Britain first.
00:20:52When asked his name, the man in the dock said,
00:20:54my name is death to traitors, freedom for Britain.
00:20:58This was the first politically motivated killing of a sitting MP in decades
00:21:02and it stunned and appalled both sides of the EU debate and the nation as a whole.
00:21:07Come the day of the vote itself, opinion appeared to have swung back Remain's way.
00:21:11Obviously, because Remain was going to win.
00:21:14As the polls closed, Remain seemed buoyant,
00:21:17while prominent Leave types already appeared to be conceding defeat.
00:21:20No, I'm not conceding.
00:21:22Yeah, you are, or you might as well. Loser.
00:21:24But my sense of this is that the government's registration scheme,
00:21:28getting two million voters on, the 48-hour extension,
00:21:31may be what tips the balance. I hope I'm wrong.
00:21:34Well, there's no point in me staying up for this.
00:21:36The result's not in doubt, so I'm off to bed.
00:21:38Over there, in the corner of the studio. Night, night.
00:21:50Oh, I slept in my clothes.
00:21:53I wonder how much Remain won by.
00:21:55This will be a victory for real people.
00:21:59A victory for ordinary people.
00:22:02A victory for decent people.
00:22:04Hi, yeah, sorry, I think there's something wrong with my television.
00:22:08It's showing images and sounds from a universe I don't recognise.
00:22:12We would have done it without having to fight,
00:22:16without a single bullet being fired.
00:22:20Let June the 23rd go down in our history as our Independence Day.
00:22:27By contrast, Dobbo Cambo did the walk of shame to his podium
00:22:30and handed in his notice.
00:22:32I was absolutely clear about my belief that Britain is stronger,
00:22:36safer and better off inside the European Union.
00:22:39Yeah, you can stop saying that now, mate.
00:22:41As Cameron retreated inside to lick his wounds,
00:22:44across-town Boris Johnson stepped out into Brexit Britain
00:22:47to taste his new-found popularity.
00:22:50Shame on you, Boris! You're just like Boris Johnson!
00:22:55Even though they'd won a surprise victory,
00:22:57Boris and Gove were acutely aware millions of people hadn't voted Leave,
00:23:01so they were at pains not to look too triumphalist
00:23:03and pulled sort of sick and haunted expressions instead,
00:23:06which was thoughtful of them, and Boris struck a conciliatory tone.
00:23:10This does not mean that the United Kingdom will be in any way less united,
00:23:16nor indeed does it mean that it will be any less European
00:23:22or any less un-f***ed.
00:23:24It quickly turned out, courtesy of cheery breakfast shows,
00:23:27that some of the promises made during the campaign
00:23:29weren't worth the bust they were written on.
00:23:31The £350 million a week we send to the EU,
00:23:34which we will no longer send to the EU,
00:23:36can you guarantee that's going to go to the NHS?
00:23:39No, I can't, and I would never have made that claim.
00:23:42Christ! Well, I guess it wasn't his bust.
00:23:45Anyway, what's going to happen with immigration?
00:23:47Come on, CNN, be responsible. Ask one of the Leavers.
00:23:50Are you then saying that this immigration is going to be much lighter...
00:23:54So our issue... ..than you all promised?
00:23:56I have never, ever made any commitment on numbers, ever.
00:24:00Well, at least there's some sort of plan, yeah?
00:24:03Where's that Faisal Islam on Sky News?
00:24:05I think he's talked to one of the Leavers about it, yeah?
00:24:07I said to him, so where's the plan? Can we see the Brexit plan now?
00:24:10There is no plan.
00:24:11The Leave campaign don't have a post-Brexit plan.
00:24:14Number 10 should have had a plan.
00:24:18LAUGHTER
00:24:20Everything felt a bit upside down.
00:24:22Even the news, which normally tells you things they know,
00:24:25was reduced to simply listing things they didn't know.
00:24:28We don't know when the formal process of withdrawing will begin.
00:24:31We don't know if the French and the Germans
00:24:33will lock us out of the single market.
00:24:35We don't know who will be prime minister.
00:24:37We don't even necessarily know who the leader of the opposition will be.
00:24:40We don't know if there will be another general election this year,
00:24:43and we don't know if the UK will actually hold together as a country.
00:24:47Join us after the break for everything we don't know about the weather.
00:24:50In the aftermath of the results,
00:24:52some people simply couldn't comprehend what was happening,
00:24:55particularly people in the London media bubble.
00:24:57Well, obviously I didn't, but why did some people vote Leave?
00:25:00What can I learn from them?
00:25:02Well, to find out, I've got a Leave voter here in the studio with me.
00:25:05Hello, you voted Leave. What's wrong with you?
00:25:07I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with...
00:25:09Hang on, hang on. I wanted a northern one.
00:25:11What, a proper one? Is this the best we could do?
00:25:13This.
00:25:14All right, fine. OK. Go on.
00:25:16For years, the concerns of people like you...
00:25:18Do you know what concerns me? Your racism.
00:25:20I'm not racist.
00:25:21Ooh, ooh, ooh, I'm not racist, but ooh, this is you.
00:25:24Ooh! Ooh!
00:25:25You make me sick.
00:25:26Unlike me, you are racist and you're simple and you're stupid
00:25:29and you've ruined this country.
00:25:31Do you know how much an espresso coffee pods are going to cost me now?
00:25:34A f***ing fortune.
00:25:35Why don't you think before you act?
00:25:38Not that the metropolitan elite was entirely imagining the role of xenophobia.
00:25:42Following the vote, an apparent spike in hate crimes was recorded.
00:25:45And there were plenty of examples of people who'd apparently voted Leave
00:25:49in the belief Leave was actually an instruction
00:25:51aimed at anyone they considered not one of us, as the news made clear.
00:25:55It's all about immigration, right?
00:25:58It's not about trade or Europe or anything like that.
00:26:01It's all about immigration.
00:26:03It's to stop the Muslims from coming into this country. Simple as that.
00:26:06See, now that's what I'm after. Why didn't we book him?
00:26:09Ever since Jeremy Clarkson punched his way out of his BBC contract
00:26:13and swanned off to Amazon along with his sidekicks,
00:26:15viewers were wondering how the rebooted Top Gear might fare.
00:26:19But before the new series had even made it to our screens,
00:26:21it was already grinding people's gears.
00:26:23The new presenter of the BBC's Top Gear, Chris Evans,
00:26:26has apologised unreservedly after scenes for his new series
00:26:29were filmed near the Cenotaph yesterday.
00:26:31Yes, a stunt in which a muscle car did doughnuts
00:26:3440 metres from the Cenotaph prompted fuming headlines.
00:26:37Say what you like about Jeremy Clarkson.
00:26:39He wouldn't pull doughnuts in front of a revered war memorial.
00:26:43Unless it was somewhere like Argentina.
00:26:45Then he'd drop a caravan full of Mexicans onto it.
00:26:47And it'd be hilarious.
00:26:49Instead, this blurry amateur footage of the one where Joey disrespects
00:26:52the fallen was so offensive it was displayed repeatedly
00:26:55on websites and news channels.
00:26:57Unless he's drawing a poppy in skid marks, that is disgraceful.
00:27:00Soon, red top whipping boy Chris Evans stumbled into the cameras
00:27:03to apologise and promise we'd never see the obscene scenes we'd just seen.
00:27:07That footage will definitely not go on there, no question about it.
00:27:10And top military brass were also grateful.
00:27:12Well, I'm very glad that the BBC have both apologised for what happened
00:27:18and effectively indicated they won't be screening it.
00:27:20Quite right, they won't. This will never see the light of day.
00:27:24Weeks later, the show itself made its BBC Two debut.
00:27:28And with the nation's papers wishing the new presenter well,
00:27:30the scene was set for Evans and co to put criticism to bed
00:27:33by knocking the first show right out of the park.
00:27:36Please welcome Matt LeBlanc!
00:27:40As well as Matt, the blanket had everything the old top gear had
00:27:43except Clarkson, May and Hammond and several million viewers.
00:27:46So something had to give.
00:27:50We're bringing you some news just into us here at the BBC
00:27:53that Chris Evans has resigned from the television programme Top Gear.
00:27:58Yes, in a shocking impossible to predict development, Evans quit
00:28:01and experts immediately jumped in front of eager news cameras
00:28:04to explain exactly what had gone wrong.
00:28:06Top Gear with the new series made a huge mistake,
00:28:09a huge mistake on the first show that they aired.
00:28:12It wasn't very good.
00:28:13Oh, that's their mistake, if only they'd made it good!
00:28:17Ironically, the critics say after its poor start,
00:28:20the show had become pretty good by the end of the series,
00:28:23though most of the good bits did not involve Chris Evans.
00:28:26Hmm, just like life, really.
00:28:28This year, just in case you got bored during those four or five seconds each day
00:28:32when you're not already staring at your phone,
00:28:34a game came along to fill the gap.
00:28:36Yes, Pokemon Go, the augmented reality creature collecting sensation,
00:28:39was all the rage with both children and adult-sized children.
00:28:43Soon, avid players were scouring local parks, canals and areas of wasteland
00:28:47trying to pick up exotic creatures like your dad did in the 1980s,
00:28:50except unlike him, they were desperately trying to fill their balls.
00:28:54I'm implying your father had sex with strangers in parks.
00:28:57The game had been a big hit in the US and was about to appear in Britain,
00:29:01and as chirpy Good Morning Britain made clear,
00:29:03even Piers Morgan couldn't wait.
00:29:05I'm looking to see if I can get the app on my phone.
00:29:07You can't get it here yet.
00:29:09No, but I've got a little proxy to get it from America.
00:29:11Probably not allowed to do that, am I?
00:29:13Probably not, but I'm sure you'd never do anything illegal with a phone.
00:29:16As the show proved, the craze was getting out of hand and was also a safety hazard.
00:29:20Watch where you're going, there's a lamppost there.
00:29:22And as alarming footage showed, mass Pokemobs were erupting
00:29:25whenever a rare creature was discovered.
00:29:27Thank God that's the only time this year we'll see huge crowds of Americans
00:29:30blindly following a ridiculous monster.
00:29:32Nevertheless, Pokemon Go was a positive game, and as the news made clear,
00:29:35it was encouraging people to get out of the house and make new friends.
00:29:38Dead ones.
00:29:40I woke up this morning and I wanted to go get a water Pokemon,
00:29:44so I just got up and went for my little walk.
00:29:46She instead found a body lying face down in the river.
00:29:50To check he was dead, she had to Pokemon Go.
00:29:52Sticking with tech, this was the year VR went mainstream.
00:29:55For one thing, it formed the basis of a task on The Apprentice.
00:29:58It was shocking when candidates met a pixelated Lord Sugar
00:30:01inside a vector-based boardroom.
00:30:03Good morning. Welcome to the future.
00:30:06Oh, no, I hate boss levels.
00:30:09And there were illuminating scenes when snooker legend Ronnie O'Sullivan
00:30:12got to grips with some very immersive gaming tech.
00:30:15Oh, Jesus!
00:30:18Did you try and lean on a table?
00:30:20Yeah.
00:30:22That's scary.
00:30:24Little musical interlude now as I pretend my desk is a piano.
00:30:32Anyway, back to Brexit.
00:30:34Ever since David Cameron had given in his notice,
00:30:36the race was on to find us a new improved prime minister.
00:30:39The front-runner was Boris Johnson,
00:30:41who'd stabbed his friend Cameron in the back to get this far.
00:30:44Of course, his pal Michael Gove was completely out of the running.
00:30:47I mean, we all remember the convincing moment he'd said this on Sky News.
00:30:50Are you considering a leadership bid?
00:30:52Steve, I can tell you I'm absolutely not.
00:30:54Three, two, one...
00:30:57Just hours before the former mayor of London
00:31:00was expected to declare he was running,
00:31:02his Leave campaign ally Michael Gove stepped in
00:31:05and stunned Westminster by announcing
00:31:07he'd decided to run for leader himself.
00:31:09This was a move of Machiavellian genius on Gove's part,
00:31:12leaving him expertly positioned
00:31:14as the shiftiest, least trusted man in politics.
00:31:16Boris now said he wouldn't stand for leader after all.
00:31:19I have concluded that person cannot be me.
00:31:23With Bozzer gone, the remaining contenders were lined up on the news
00:31:27like unlockable character options in the worst iPad game of all time.
00:31:30In the first round, the fox was culled, typical Tory move.
00:31:33Then Crabbe stepped aside. Well, he is a crab.
00:31:36That left human spitting image puppet Gove,
00:31:38nurse ratchet Theresa May
00:31:40and a sort of dark side Mary Berry figure called Andrea Ledsom.
00:31:45Previously so unheard of, she probably had to look herself up on Wikipedia
00:31:48when she heard she was running.
00:31:50Come the first round, Gove turned out to be as popular as a turd in a soft play.
00:31:53I'm naturally disappointed that I haven't been able to make it through
00:31:57to the final round of this leadership contest.
00:31:59So now we were down to Theresa May and Andrea Ledsom,
00:32:04who'd amassed a loyal band of followers that had admired her every move
00:32:07since they'd first heard of her five minutes ago.
00:32:09What do we want? Claims of a leader!
00:32:11When do we want it? Now!
00:32:13But wait, she immediately wrecked it all with an explosive interview
00:32:16claiming being a parent made her a better candidate than May,
00:32:19and that did for her ambitions.
00:32:21I am therefore withdrawing from the leadership election.
00:32:24Well, she's out, so that was the last we were ever going to hear of Earl.
00:32:30Andrea... Andrea Leds thing.
00:32:33Now the leading levers have left, only pro-Remain Theresa May remained.
00:32:37Among the Remains, trying to operate the levers.
00:32:39But first, we all had to say a fond farewell to David Cameron.
00:32:43Now, as we've pointed out before on this show,
00:32:45as the exhaustive news coverage shows,
00:32:47Campbell knows has a habit of nonchalantly wandering off
00:32:49the moment he's had enough of a situation.
00:32:51And in his final seconds, he didn't disappoint.
00:32:53I expect to go to the palace and offer my resignation
00:32:56so we'll have a new prime minister in that building behind me
00:32:59by Wednesday evening.
00:33:01Thank you very much.
00:33:14Right.
00:33:16Now the decks were clear and our shiny new prime minister, T May I,
00:33:20went to Buckhouse to meet the real Queen
00:33:22and immediately won her over by walking in doing a madness nutty dance.
00:33:26Meanwhile, outside, Sky News sat reverently reporting the great royal hook-up
00:33:30when they were suddenly interrupted by what I can only describe
00:33:33as a typical modern tit.
00:33:35Because, as I say, when your prime minister...
00:33:37Royal TV, guys, Jack Jones TV, check me out, Facebook, woo-hoo!
00:33:40Tickle, wiggle, wiggle!
00:33:42There's someone who will never be prime minister.
00:33:44Brazil hosted the Olympics this August
00:33:46and straight away it was one of the most colourful games in history.
00:33:49And the coverage was vibrant from beginning to end,
00:33:51from the eye-popping pizazz of the thrilling opening ceremony
00:33:54to the shimmering bile green of the pool.
00:33:56It was a great Olympics for Team GB.
00:33:58There were incredible scenes as Muslim immigrant Mo Farah
00:34:01stormed to a record-breaking victory, cheered on by 48% of the country.
00:34:05In fact, following a series of stunning victories,
00:34:07Britain's athletes were feverishly hoarding gold,
00:34:10which wasn't simply good for national morale,
00:34:12but was also sound economic advice following the collapse of the pound.
00:34:15And that wasn't the only Great British contest.
00:34:17There was this sort of tent-based cookery programme thing
00:34:20called the Great British Bake Off.
00:34:22It was like one born every minute for cakes.
00:34:25Like, you saw loads of cakes being born and people getting emotional,
00:34:29only it was more equal opportunities
00:34:32because men got to give birth to cakes as well as women.
00:34:35Not out of the bums or anything, that would affect the taste,
00:34:38but out of ovens.
00:34:40Even though it was all about baking, they never did bake potatoes,
00:34:44which is a missed opportunity,
00:34:46because a baked potato is the single hardest thing there is to cook.
00:34:50It had all these great people on it,
00:34:52like Sue Mellon and Lady Penelope and Hollywood Paul,
00:34:56and they became like a family, except you genuinely loved them.
00:34:59But then it turned out it isn't run like a normal village fave.
00:35:03There's this big company who make it, and they wanted more money,
00:35:06but the BBC wouldn't cough up,
00:35:08and everyone was almost as cross as they got
00:35:10at the time that lady dropped that cat in a bin.
00:35:12The Great British Bake Off is to move to Channel 4.
00:35:16The programme belonged on the BBC One,
00:35:18because that's as British as it gets when you think about it.
00:35:22The other channels are foreign compared to BBC One.
00:35:25Like, ITV looks all snazzy and stupid, so it's sort of America.
00:35:31And Channel 4's all weird and arty and sort of pervy,
00:35:36like, I don't know, Holland or something.
00:35:38Sky gets beamed down from space, so that's not British,
00:35:41that's fucking Martian.
00:35:43So BBC One is the only proper British channel left, apart from Dave.
00:35:48I don't know why people were so worried about Channel 4 taking the bake off.
00:35:51I mean, they handle programming sensitively,
00:35:54take their recent spin on Blind Date, Naked Attraction,
00:35:57a relentless foray into titillation and bumillation
00:36:00in which singletons weed out potential partners
00:36:02based on their body parts alone.
00:36:04We need to see the bottom half of the bodies, please.
00:36:09Oh!
00:36:11Basically, it was just like Deal or No Deal,
00:36:13but with six anonymous penises instead of one called Noel.
00:36:16And it was the height of romance as contestants wound up inspecting genitals
00:36:19like farmers at a livestock auction.
00:36:21I'm a bit concerned because I don't think I'll be able to sit on him
00:36:25because he looks a bit bigger than me.
00:36:27And that wasn't the only contest where you had to weigh up
00:36:29which prick you thought you could best withstand.
00:36:32Labour leader and plant ducker Jeremy Corbyn
00:36:34was under attack from his own party.
00:36:36Some felt he didn't even want the ultimate top job
00:36:38as a testy exchange showcased by Channel 4 News made clear.
00:36:41Do you really ever want to be prime minister?
00:36:44Of course. I want to lead this party.
00:36:46I want to lead this party in order to put forward an alternative
00:36:50and lead this party to win the election.
00:36:52I haven't heard the phrase, I want to be prime minister.
00:36:55Well, you've just heard it now. Of course I want to be.
00:36:57No, no, say it.
00:36:58I've just said it to you, OK?
00:37:00I want to be prime minister.
00:37:01No, I've just said it to you, please.
00:37:03I want to be prime minister.
00:37:04No, I've just said it to you, please.
00:37:05Many of his own MPs felt hard left Corbyn
00:37:07had actually been soft remain, thereby helping the right
00:37:10and the Leave campaign, which they believed wasn't right.
00:37:12So they started to leave, left, right and centre.
00:37:14And as more of them left, the more he remained,
00:37:16saying staying was his right, which left the left in a right state.
00:37:19Following a vote of no confidence,
00:37:21it was Labour's turn to have a leadership contest
00:37:23and the tetchy Grandmorph was up against Owen Smith,
00:37:25a man so dull he made Ed Miliband look like David Miliband.
00:37:29A huge challenge for Brexit-era Labour
00:37:31is proving it's in touch with real people.
00:37:33So to test the contender's everyday cred,
00:37:35Victoria Derbyshire showed Smith and Corbyn pictures of famous folk
00:37:39to see if they knew who they were.
00:37:41Can you name, Owen Smith, who is in this photo?
00:37:45Taylor Swift. And...
00:37:48..is that Justin Bieber?
00:37:49Well done. He's absolutely right.
00:37:51OK, good start. Now, for a bonus point, who the hell is this?
00:37:54Jeremy Corbyn, do you know who these two men are?
00:37:57And which one is which?
00:38:00I cannot name them. I'm really sorry.
00:38:02You think that's tough? Try getting him to recognise Ant and Semitism.
00:38:05But if Ant and Dec proved tricky, public transport was even trickier.
00:38:09Yes, during a fact-finding mission to Newcastle,
00:38:11during which he hoped to find out who Ant and Dec are,
00:38:13Corbyn ran into trouble when he found himself confronted
00:38:16by far fewer seats than expected, which you'd think he'd be used to by now.
00:38:19In heart-rending scenes, he was forced to sit on the floor
00:38:22in the twisty bit that stinks of bog
00:38:24and make a convincingly spontaneous statement.
00:38:26Today, this train is completely ram-packed.
00:38:28The reality is there's not enough trains. We need more of them.
00:38:32But his sit-down protest soon led to a stand-up row
00:38:35and a bemused reaction from Sky News.
00:38:37Now, this is a bit weird.
00:38:39A row's developing over claims made by Jeremy Corbyn
00:38:42that a train service he used between London and Newcastle was ram-packed.
00:38:47Yes, Virgin Trains released CCTV footage
00:38:50showing there were actually no rams on board the train,
00:38:52and not only that, Corbyn had apparently walked past several empty seats
00:38:55in order to make his point.
00:38:57I'm surprised they just didn't bollock him for having a forged ticket.
00:39:00I mean, look at that. The sizing's at least three centimetres off.
00:39:03In the end, even Traingate couldn't derail Corbyn.
00:39:06Eventually, when the vote was tallied, Owen Smith was soundly defeated.
00:39:09He now looked set to spend the rest of his political career
00:39:12toiling in irrelevance and complete obscurity alongside Jeremy Corbyn.
00:39:16Meanwhile, in America, Trump and Clinton had become
00:39:19the official candidates of their respective parties.
00:39:21The stand-out moment of the Democratic Convention
00:39:23was a moving speech from the Muslim parents of a fallen soldier,
00:39:26scolding Trump for his comments on Muslims.
00:39:29Donald Trump, have you even read the United States Constitution?
00:39:34CHEERING
00:39:37I will gladly lend you my copy.
00:39:41Has it got pictures in it? Because if not, I'll level with you.
00:39:44I don't think you'll bother.
00:39:46Trump responded by belittling the cons in a shocking interview.
00:39:49If you look at his wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say.
00:39:52Probably maybe she wasn't allowed to have anything to say, you tell me.
00:39:55Traditionally in America, attacking grieving families
00:39:58is about as big a vote winner as wiping your bum on a live baby.
00:40:01Then in a startling televised speech, he said this.
00:40:04ISIS is honouring President Obama.
00:40:09He is the founder of ISIS.
00:40:11What? Sorry, what? Of ISIS?
00:40:13He's the founder of ISIS.
00:40:15What, you mean metaphorically, or...?
00:40:17He founded ISIS.
00:40:19Oh, right, you actually mean this mental stuff your mouth is saying.
00:40:22By now, Trump was conducting a voyage to the bottom of the sea in polling terms,
00:40:26but then disaster struck for Hillary as she caught pneumonia,
00:40:29and alarming footage emerged of her apparently almost collapsing into her car.
00:40:33No, I'm not taking her, mate, not in that state. 50 quid cleaning charge.
00:40:37Soon Trump enjoyed a sizeable bounce in the polls,
00:40:39so all eyes were trained anxiously on the first debate.
00:40:42But Trump's performance was underwhelming, something he blamed on his microphone,
00:40:45which had undermined him by accurately conveying everything he'd said.
00:40:48No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life.
00:40:52Well, that's a... Go to the... Please, the fact-checkers.
00:40:56And he was about to have even worse luck with mics.
00:40:59Donald Trump was doing really well in his campaign.
00:41:02Like, he hadn't put a foot wrong.
00:41:04And then suddenly this video came out that put him in a totally new light.
00:41:08And he didn't seem as nice as he thought he was
00:41:10when he was just shouting about Muslims and Mexicans.
00:41:13You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy.
00:41:17The bloke he'd said this stuff to was this sort of snickering gimp boy
00:41:20called Billy Bush, and everyone was so disgusted with him, he got fired.
00:41:24The NBC TV network has sacked Billy Bush as host of the Today Show.
00:41:28But there was literally nothing anyone could do to punish Donald Trump.
00:41:32They had literally no choice but to go ahead and vote for him.
00:41:36After the tape appeared, all these women came out to say
00:41:39he'd done creepy things to them too,
00:41:41but there wasn't really any evidence that he'd actually do stuff like that,
00:41:45apart from the recording of him saying he did.
00:41:48And that was just his word against his.
00:41:50A whole slew of Republican congressmen and women, senators, others,
00:41:55have come out today saying that Donald Trump should stand down.
00:41:58Well, there's no coming back from this. Trump's had it. H-A-D-D-I-T had it.
00:42:03But he hadn't. As a street-fighting carnival strongman,
00:42:06Trump operates the Chicago way.
00:42:08You pull a knife, he pulls a gun.
00:42:10You send one of his to the hospital, he sends one of yours to the morgue.
00:42:13And whenever an accusation was flung at him,
00:42:15he hit back twice as hard, with his little hands.
00:42:18Sure enough, just before the second debate,
00:42:20Trump arranged a press event conference full of women
00:42:22claiming Bill Clinton was a sex monster and rapist.
00:42:25Yeah, you know, it was around here the background giggles
00:42:28had really drained out of the campaign.
00:42:30The whole thing was depressing and gruelling,
00:42:32and as the second debate opened, as the news noted,
00:42:34the mood was incredibly sour.
00:42:36For the first time ever in a presidential debate,
00:42:38not even a suggestion of a handshake.
00:42:41That's odd. Trump's normally keen to shake hands. I've seen the tape.
00:42:44Uh, I don't know what I said. Uh, I don't remember!
00:42:47Throughout the debate, a glowering Trump followed Clinton around
00:42:50like a terracotta stalker.
00:42:52It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump
00:42:56is not in charge of the law in our country.
00:42:59Because you'd be in jail.
00:43:01Secretary Clinton.
00:43:03It was another negative performance
00:43:05with yet more bad consequences for the Donald.
00:43:08The Trump plan has effectively, on a call with other Republican leaders,
00:43:12pulled the plug on Donald Trump.
00:43:14Oh, well, he's super finished now.
00:43:16I mean, he was finished before, but now he's harambe finished.
00:43:19We can all rest easy. Mark my words.
00:43:21Donald Trump will never, ever, ever be president.
00:43:24November brought us plenty of top-flight TV.
00:43:27Planet Earth 2 provided a cheery distraction from the state of the world
00:43:31with soothing footage of creatures dying in godless oblivion.
00:43:34Ed Balls made the nation chuckle
00:43:36with a string of hilarious performances on Strictly Come Dancing.
00:43:39Sadly, his ascent to the top was cut short
00:43:41after shocking footage emerged of him grabbing a woman by the pussy.
00:43:44There were heartwarming scenes as Danny Dyer appeared on Who Do You Think You Are?
00:43:48Or as he calls it, Who Do You Think You F***ing Well Are?
00:43:51You f***ing want some, do you? Come on, then, you c***!
00:43:54Can't be.
00:43:58A direct descendant from Edward III.
00:44:02Danny discovered he was distantly related to Edward III.
00:44:05Personally, I always held him down as something of a Richard III.
00:44:08A bit of Cockney rhyming slang there.
00:44:10This show isn't just for the metropolitan elite.
00:44:12OK, who am I kidding, it is.
00:44:14Also in November, having vanquished Chris Evans,
00:44:16Clarkson & Co popped up on Amazon with their rival show, The Grand Tour,
00:44:20in which Jezza immediately made the most of his new beeblous freedom.
00:44:24It's very unlikely I'm going to be fired now because we're on the Internet.
00:44:30Which means I could pleasure a horse.
00:44:33Bet you could take it from 0 to 60 gallons in 4.3 seconds.
00:44:36You'd never be allowed to say that on the BBC.
00:44:38Mainly, though, The Grand Tour was an excuse for the wheel-bound goodies
00:44:41to flex some overpowered new budgetary muscles.
00:44:44Anyway, the BBC clearly now has to compete with streaming services
00:44:48and their massive blockbuster budgets,
00:44:50which is why I'm talking to you now in Cinemascope
00:44:52and blending these banknotes.
00:44:55Ever since Britain had voted for Brexit,
00:44:57people had been squabbling over exactly what that Brexit should mean,
00:45:00so haunted art gallery owner Theresa May had to show up on the news explaining it.
00:45:04Brexit means Brexit.
00:45:06And then keep explaining it.
00:45:08Brexit means Brexit.
00:45:10Over and over again.
00:45:11As I have said, Brexit means Brexit.
00:45:13But it turned out some people had misheard her
00:45:15and thought Brexit meant something else.
00:45:17I respect the mandate she has.
00:45:19She said earlier in the week that Brexit means breakfast.
00:45:22And now people were worrying about the impact of breakfast.
00:45:25The government is hurtling towards a chaotic breakfast.
00:45:29While others were talking it up.
00:45:31Mark my words, we will make breakfast, Brexit, a success.
00:45:36Things were getting farcical, but luckily,
00:45:38Theresa May was on hand once again to remind us just what Brexit means.
00:45:42I've been clear that Brexit means Brexit.
00:45:44But then the conversation turned to different types of Brexit,
00:45:47like soft Brexit.
00:45:48Soft Brexit.
00:45:49And hard Brexit.
00:45:50Hard Brexit.
00:45:51What next?
00:45:52Stealth Brexit?
00:45:53Trans Brexit?
00:45:54Reverse Brexit?
00:45:55Virtua Brexit?
00:45:56Sea Salty Caramel Brexit?
00:45:58The whole thing was just chaos.
00:46:00So then Her Great Grey Majesty had to come out
00:46:02and clear it all up once and for all.
00:46:04People talk about the sort of Brexit that there is going to be.
00:46:07Is it hard, soft?
00:46:08Is it grey, white?
00:46:09Grey or white?
00:46:10What the f***?
00:46:11Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit.
00:46:14That is the right Brexit for the United Kingdom.
00:46:17So there you go.
00:46:18Red, white and blue Brexit.
00:46:19I mean, God knows what that is.
00:46:20But it's a patriot, so it's all right by us.
00:46:22And anyone who disagrees is talking Britain down.
00:46:25Before the referendum, the people who wanted us to leave Europe
00:46:28were angry all the time.
00:46:30We were being ruled by unelected people in Brussels
00:46:34and I don't like it.
00:46:36And the good thing about Brexit result was that afterwards,
00:46:39they stayed angry.
00:46:40We voted to come out, we should have come out.
00:46:42Like it or not, that was the democratic decision.
00:46:44But now all the Remainers were angry too.
00:46:46Shame on you!
00:46:48So it brought the whole country together.
00:46:50There was this big row about Particle 50.
00:46:53You'd think if Particle 50 was that important,
00:46:55it'd be Particle 1.
00:46:57I should have renumbered it so we'd know.
00:46:59Theresa May had wanted to start Brexit without a Commons vote,
00:47:03but a group of campaigners mounted a legal challenge.
00:47:06You could see the papers got really angry about that
00:47:09and quite right too.
00:47:10Some of them printed these useful guides
00:47:12to who you should hate on the front pages.
00:47:16And I'm sick of having my will defied by the likes of them.
00:47:19Some of the Remain camp said,
00:47:21even though it was a simple yes-no question,
00:47:23we've got the answer wrong,
00:47:24so we should have another go with a second referendum.
00:47:27And they had a point, like,
00:47:29basically loads of people only voted leave as a protest
00:47:32because they'd never been listened to.
00:47:34But that's not a proper reason.
00:47:36So we should ignore those idiots, chuck their ballots in the bin
00:47:39and do it again properly, like in a real democracy.
00:47:42Do you remember a few years ago
00:47:43when people described absolutely everything as meh?
00:47:46Everywhere you'd look on the internet, there it was, meh.
00:47:49A big, bored shrug.
00:47:50We moaned that everything was sort of mediocre and bland.
00:47:53Not anymore, no.
00:47:54Now everything's either shit or brilliant
00:47:56and there's no in-between and everyone's furious.
00:47:59Stick your head in the internet now
00:48:01and it's like a f***ing screaming convention,
00:48:03black ants versus red ants.
00:48:04It's as if everyone's been radicalised.
00:48:06And therefore, in Brexit Britain,
00:48:08you're either a knuckle-dragging racist
00:48:10or a metropolitan elitist.
00:48:12Those are the only two roles available, sorry.
00:48:14But we know those are caricatures.
00:48:16Out here, away from the fantasy hellscape that lives in here,
00:48:19most of us are bland and meh and reasonable.
00:48:22And I miss it. I miss meh.
00:48:24How did we get so polarised?
00:48:26Well, some people say it's thanks to the bubble.
00:48:29Not a nice bubble, like in an aero,
00:48:31but a bad bubble that goes round your brain
00:48:33and stops new ideas getting in.
00:48:35The echo chamber.
00:48:36Echo chamber.
00:48:37Echo chamber.
00:48:38Echo chamber.
00:48:40Eventually, the bubbles around people got so big
00:48:42they needed their own news services
00:48:44so the people trapped inside could keep up
00:48:46with the sort of stuff they'd like to imagine was happening outside.
00:48:49This fake news was miles better than normal news.
00:48:51I mean, if you tell me that Hillary Clinton's been a bit hypocritical
00:48:54about the Trans-Pacific Partnership agreement,
00:48:56I wouldn't even hear the end of the sentence.
00:48:58It's so boring, I'd just be looking at your teeth and judging you.
00:49:01But if you say she's part of a pedo ring
00:49:03based in a pizza restaurant, I'll remember that forever.
00:49:06Speaking of which, let's head back to America.
00:49:09Polling day had arrived in the USA,
00:49:11and despite a last-minute setback for Clinton over emails,
00:49:14all the polls indicated she was set for victory.
00:49:16And not just in the opinion polls, the general feeling was good too.
00:49:19All the experts agreed she had it in the bag.
00:49:22Clinton probably will be the United States' next president.
00:49:26It's basically a done deal.
00:49:28No point staying up to watch, even.
00:49:30I mean, imagine if Trump did win.
00:49:32Shows like this would be pointless.
00:49:34People like me would be out of a job anyway.
00:49:36I'd be yesterday's prick.
00:49:39Anyway, I'll see you in the morning.
00:49:51Oh, that's better. Oh, I slept like a baby.
00:49:54I think I'll just put the news on and watch Hillary's victory speech.
00:49:58Donald Trump will be the 45th president of the United States.
00:50:04What started off as unlikely, impossible, is now reality.
00:50:11He said he was always a winner.
00:50:13This did not come without controversy.
00:50:35The American Dream
00:50:44Beginning on January 20th, 2017,
00:50:47Americans will experience government incompetence like they have never, ever seen.
00:50:53No tolerance, no sympathy, no decency.
00:50:57It's me.
00:50:59I'm sorry, Ms. Clinton.
00:51:01This is for real.
00:51:03And it turned out to be a massive surprise,
00:51:06even though I told a trillion lies.
00:51:09I'm sorry, Ms. Clinton.
00:51:11This is for real.
00:51:14And by the way, let this be a warning.
00:51:16I do not believe in global warming.
00:51:19The damage and devastation that can be inflicted by my administration
00:51:24is an international humiliation.
00:51:26And although I put America first in our nation,
00:51:31the integration situation is worse.
00:51:34Decades of progress are being reversed.
00:51:37I will be one of the worst presidents ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
00:51:44never, ever before has our country had a president as bad as me.
00:51:49You know, I might not be politically correct,
00:51:51but I will be politically inept.
00:51:54This political stuff is nasty.
00:51:56Some of our big supporters are Nazis.
00:51:59Hail Trump!
00:52:00USA! USA! USA!
00:52:06All things considered, you could be forgiven for thinking it might be the apocalypse.
00:52:10But what is an apocalypse anyway?
00:52:12Well, here to find out, it's our very own Philomena Kunk
00:52:15with one of her moments of wonder.
00:52:25A million years ago,
00:52:27Nostradamus predicted the world would end
00:52:30in a huge mess called a pokalypse.
00:52:33The word pokalypse is posh dictionary code for the end of days.
00:52:38And the end of days means sunset, which happens all the time.
00:52:42That's probably why the world didn't end,
00:52:44just because Nostradamus said it would.
00:52:46But Nostradamus wasn't the only person who reckoned that was true.
00:52:50As well as inventing Minecraft,
00:52:52the ancient Mayan civilisation predicted the world
00:52:56as we knew it would end in 2012.
00:52:59But luckily, it turned out just to be sea facts that ended.
00:53:03And that's only the whole world if you're over 60 and housebound.
00:53:07Another pokalypse was predicted by Mother Shipton,
00:53:10a mystic from Yorkshire who lived in a cave,
00:53:13which, at the time, was believed to be the end of the world.
00:53:17A mystic from Yorkshire who lived in a cave,
00:53:20which, at the time, was better than living in Yorkshire,
00:53:23just like it also is now.
00:53:25She wrote,
00:53:27The world to an end will come in 1881.
00:53:31A claim which has recently been debunked by experts
00:53:35through a careful process of looking around
00:53:38and seeing the world still here.
00:53:41The good news is the world hasn't ended yet.
00:53:44Scientists say it one day definitely will.
00:53:47But what sort of ending will it have?
00:53:49A sad ending with a disaster or a happy one with a song?
00:53:53To find out, I spoke to expert science man
00:53:56and former DREAM keyboardist Dr Brian Cox.
00:54:00How will the world end?
00:54:02Well, the sun will run out of fuel in about four billion years or so
00:54:07and actually before that it will begin to swell up, expand,
00:54:12and so we think the Earth will get incinerated.
00:54:15Do you think we might be able to do something about it?
00:54:18Stop it being incinerated?
00:54:20Yeah, stop it being incinerated. Or the sun burning the Earth.
00:54:23Can't we put it out with a big hose or something?
00:54:26It's an inevitable consequence of the laws of nature.
00:54:29You're pleased with that, are you? You're happy with that?
00:54:32You can live with that?
00:54:34Well, there's nothing I can do.
00:54:36Also, the Andromeda galaxy is going to hit us.
00:54:39A whole galaxy is going to hit us? Yeah.
00:54:42On about the same timescale, actually.
00:54:45So as the sun runs out of fuel and expands and incinerates the Earth,
00:54:50a galaxy of 400 billion stars is going to collide with us.
00:54:54You're much gloomier than I expected because you're quite a smiler.
00:54:58Well, yeah, it's quite a long time in the future.
00:55:01You said things can only get better.
00:55:05So where can we trust anything you ever say now?
00:55:08Yeah, it's a gross misunderstanding of the laws of nature.
00:55:11It's one of the most misleading and scientifically inaccurate
00:55:15pop songs that's ever been written.
00:55:17Catchy, though.
00:55:19Yeah, but it's just inaccurate, scientifically inaccurate.
00:55:22Things get worse.
00:55:24So after the universe ends, there'll be nothing?
00:55:27Depends what you mean by after the universe ends.
00:55:30When it's exploded.
00:55:32Well, it's not going to explode. It's going to, we think,
00:55:35carry on expanding. Right. Forever.
00:55:38Well, that'll be fine, won't it? We need the space.
00:55:41You get to the point that it carries on doing that,
00:55:44then galaxies get ripped apart,
00:55:46and then solar systems get ripped apart,
00:55:49and then even planets get ripped apart,
00:55:51and even atoms get ripped apart.
00:55:53But so what?
00:55:55All the stars will die.
00:55:57Even all the black holes that are left,
00:56:00the final end points of the most massive stars will evaporate away.
00:56:04So could we fall down a black hole?
00:56:07Yeah, you could fall into one.
00:56:09Is that the same? Because I heard that you could be...
00:56:12If, you know, this is one way that the world could end,
00:56:16is that we're all just sucked off through a hole?
00:56:20It's, er... I mean, that must be terrible.
00:56:22Can you imagine what it would feel like to be sucked off through a hole?
00:56:26Yeah.
00:56:282016 might have looked like the end of the world as we know it,
00:56:31and I feel fine,
00:56:33but at least right now the apocalypse hasn't come,
00:56:36and who knows, maybe it never will.
00:56:39But there's no point sitting around worrying about the apocalypse
00:56:42when what we should be really scared of is Armageddon.
00:56:47Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking,
00:56:50if air is really there, how come we can't grab it?
00:56:55As December arrived, the world grappled with the notion
00:56:58that despite losing the popular vote by several million,
00:57:01Donald Trump, worried about grabbing women by the pussy,
00:57:04was about to get his finger on the red button.
00:57:06As the news expertly relayed footage of furious protests,
00:57:09there were initially confusing signals from the president-elect
00:57:12as he seemed to row back on some of his pre-election promises.
00:57:15Perhaps most shocking of all, having said he'd be tough on terrorism,
00:57:18he met with the founder of ISIS and even shook his hand.
00:57:21The unpredictable Donald was also spewing angry tweets
00:57:24and stuffing his administration with hardliners.
00:57:26Many feared Trump might now pursue a white supremacist agenda,
00:57:29but according to him, it's going to be more of a tangerine supremacist agenda.
00:57:32So-called outsider Trump also appointed generals and corporate CEOs
00:57:35to major positions, including a guy with links to Putin.
00:57:38This was especially eye-opening as the CIA was claiming Russian hackers
00:57:42had deliberately aided Trump's ascent,
00:57:44something Trump himself was eager to jump in front of the news cameras to poo-poo.
00:57:48Once they hack, if you don't catch them in the act, you're not going to catch them.
00:57:51They have no idea if it's Russia or China or somebody.
00:57:55It could be somebody sitting in a bed someplace.
00:57:57Yeah, they could be anywhere in the world.
00:57:59I mean, Moscow, Vladivostok, St. Petersburg. We'll probably never know.
00:58:04Let's face it, 2016's been atrocious for many reasons.
00:58:08Appalling terror attacks, unending conflict, celebrity deaths,
00:58:12widespread polarisation, fear, paranoia, despair, honey G.
00:58:18You know what? From now on, I'm just going to watch fake news.
00:58:20It's much better. It's got its own channel now. It's great. Watch.
00:58:24This is fake BBC news. The headlines tonight.
00:58:28The world of politics is stunned as president-elect Donald Trump
00:58:31is revealed to be a persona created by the musician David Bowie.
00:58:35Bowie, who is still alive, plans to tour as Trump next spring
00:58:39alongside rapper Kanye West.
00:58:41All differences over this summer's Brexit vote put aside
00:58:44as scientists discover the existence of particle 51,
00:58:47which renders the process of leaving the EU both simple and physically enjoyable.
00:58:52Well, we knew there were 50 particles, but this changes everything.
00:58:55It makes everything I said about the apocalypse complete bullshit.
00:58:59Bake Off back on.
00:59:01A last-minute deal sees the great British Bake Off return to BBC One.
00:59:05But Paul Hollywood won't be returning,
00:59:07having already signed a contract for Channel 4's naked attraction.
00:59:11I want to lie on him. I feel like he'd be the best cuddler.
00:59:14And 2016 has all been a dream.
00:59:17You've been asleep the whole time...
00:59:20Oh! Oh, it's still January.
00:59:23Oh, I just dreamt about a horrible year.
00:59:26I wonder what's really happening.
00:59:28Take a look at this.
00:59:31Oh, what lovely puddle.
00:59:36Well, that's all we've got time for this year.
00:59:38I'll see you presently.
00:59:40Till next time, do take care and go away.
00:59:49Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
01:00:12Do-do-do-do-do...
01:00:14Right.