First broadcast 24th February 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Richard Madeley
Kelly Osbourne
Neil Morrissey
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Vic Reeves
Richard Madeley
Kelly Osbourne
Neil Morrissey
Category
📺
TVTranscript
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00:20Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:23the Lord of the Chat, it's Richard Madeley.
00:26He Can Fix It, it's Neil Morrissey.
00:30And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:34And facing them tonight, Party Girl, Kelly Osbourne.
00:38Country Jen, it's Vic Reed.
00:41And their captain, Sean Locke.
00:46Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:57a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
00:59Did you know, for example, the average person is capable
01:02of making more than 1,000 facial expressions?
01:05And this is the one I made when I heard that statistic.
01:10KFC is the most popular fast food restaurant in China.
01:12You would have thought it would have been a Chinese.
01:1655% of men wash their hands after going to the loo.
01:20What I do, and here's a tip for you, is I wash my winky in the morning
01:23and then I'm good for the rest of the day.
01:26Right, let's get started.
01:35What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:38We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:40and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:43It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:47Sean?
01:48Well, I think definitely you'd be talking about bird flu,
01:50the approach of bird flu that's coming to us.
01:53People are very worried about it, aren't they?
01:55My mum panics when she reads all this stuff and she phoned up last week
01:57and she thought her budgie had got it, sooty.
01:59It's got a budgie.
02:00And apparently it was just in the corner of the cage shivering
02:03and won't go up its ladder.
02:04And he loves going up his ladder, sooty.
02:06What happened was, it turned out the grandkids had been getting him out of the cage
02:09and holding him over a globe of the world and spinning it down
02:12and it just freaked him out.
02:13I'm too old! I'm too old!
02:17Bird flu. Bird flu.
02:19Horse run.
02:24The government says don't panic.
02:26It says don't panic.
02:27If it gets into a stress situation, just move them all inside.
02:31Well, that's where we are.
02:34I don't think the chickens are too bothered, really,
02:36because compared to what the farmers got in store for them,
02:38flu's a bit of a holiday, really, isn't it?
02:41If I was a chicken, I'd be snogging other chickens trying to catch them.
02:45They've been talking about 20 million people might die if the bird flu kicks off.
02:48We're all right. We're blokes, aren't we?
02:54Someone had to say it, Vic, and I'm glad it was you.
02:56See what I've done, Vic?
02:57Yeah, it's just the birds that are going to get it, isn't it?
03:01If only, Vic.
03:03And then me and you could just run off together into the sunset.
03:07Like we did last week.
03:10Well, let's have a look and see whether avian bird flu
03:12is one of the top five most talked about things this week.
03:15Yes, it is.
03:18Yes, the second most talked about thing this week was bird flu.
03:21The deadly H5N1 virus is close to Britain.
03:25Coincidentally, H5N1 is Bernard Matthews' postcode.
03:31Richard, Neil, Dave, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
03:34Wembley's not finished. Fuck off, really.
03:37Big shock.
03:38No surprise.
03:39I was looking at some sort of report on it,
03:41it said that it's going to have 2,000 toilets.
03:43Wembley's going to have 2,000.
03:44And there you are, there's your delay.
03:45Waiting for the plumber, aren't they?
03:48I thought, actually, that one of the problems
03:50is a language problem, isn't it, with the Australian builders?
03:52Because they usually have the rising inflection.
03:54When they finish a sentence, they rise up as if it's a question.
03:57So I think when they say, like,
03:58tomorrow you'll start work at eight,
04:01all the birds go,
04:02mate, probably means about half ten.
04:05I just like the part that they were bollocking them for doing coke.
04:08I wouldn't make them do it, just make it do it all faster.
04:13That's the answer, Kelly.
04:14People haven't been brave enough to say it,
04:15but drugs are what these builders need.
04:19Think of what you could build with 750 million.
04:22You could have a ladder to the moon for one.
04:26For one pound?
04:27Well, that's better than having a big stadium, isn't it?
04:29A ladder to the moon.
04:31Yes, but if you could deliver, Vic, I'd invest.
04:34I've got 750 million to play with.
04:36I could have a pipe that goes down to the bottom of the Mariana Trench
04:40that you could slide down and get fired out the other side.
04:46You're right, Vic, we haven't thought this through.
04:50A ladder to the moon.
04:53Hello?
04:54Said like that, it sounds a lot more impressive.
04:56A ladder to the moon.
04:59Mr. Burns.
05:00Yes, Mr. Bonds.
05:02I could build the biggest water slide in the world.
05:08The problem you've got with a ladder to the moon, though,
05:10is where do you build it?
05:12You've got to have a lot enough...
05:13You mean a base camp?
05:14Yeah.
05:15Anglesey.
05:18Hang on, who'd hold it?
05:19Oh, no, it's got a metal base.
05:21It's set into concrete, Richard.
05:22Sorry.
05:25Right, let's have a look and see whether Wembley
05:27is one of the most talked about things this week.
05:30Of course it is.
05:31Yes, it was.
05:3235% of you were talking about the fact that Wembley Stadium
05:35will not be ready for this year's FA Cup final.
05:37The delays have thrown the fixtures list into chaos.
05:40Chelsea will now be playing Bon Jovi in the charity Shield.
05:45Sean, Kelly and Vic, what else has the nation been talking about?
05:47The robbery. I think it's wicked.
05:49Some guy got away with £40 million worth of unmarked notes.
05:53Good for him.
05:57I blame the parents.
06:00So you were right behind those guys in nicking mum's jewels?
06:03They can die a painful death.
06:05My mum's really pissed off about that.
06:07I think it got what was coming to him.
06:09My dad did fucking chuck him out a window.
06:11Did he mean to, or did he just...
06:12Whoa!
06:15He's on satellite navigation, though, isn't he?
06:17I know!
06:18That's fantastic.
06:19Your dad's doing satellite navigation?
06:21No, he's not. It's somebody saying that it's him.
06:23It was like they had this whole thing in the newspaper
06:25how that's the new thing to download is the voice of your sat-nav.
06:28And it's the number one selling is my dad's voice
06:30and the second one is my mum's voice.
06:32If I could get in my car and turn on sat-nav
06:34and listen to my parents any more,
06:36I would definitely not take it back to my head.
06:38Apparently now you can buy tractors with sat-nav.
06:41How pointless is that?
06:42He goes, you are now in lower field.
06:45You are approaching upper field.
06:47Why would you want sat-nav in a tractor?
06:49What if you've got a really big farm?
06:51Yeah, that's a good point.
06:53And you don't know where your fields are.
06:56When does a robbery become a heist?
06:58We don't have any heists, do we?
07:00Technically, the difference between a robbery and a heist
07:03is someone has to be lowered upside down on a wire.
07:05All right.
07:08The police chief actually said the mistake they've made
07:10is they've stolen too much.
07:12What?
07:14And in the article it said if they got all the money
07:16that they'd taken and they stacked it all on top of one another,
07:19it'd be about 400 foot high.
07:21So if the thieves are watching, better not do that.
07:26I think that...
07:28Sorry, I'm enjoying a boiled sweet. I shouldn't...
07:32I think we should melt it down.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:38That's a fine idea, there.
07:40It's good, isn't it?
07:41And you have the look of a master criminal about you.
07:44There have been a couple of arrests.
07:46You see that guy riding down the street on an elephant,
07:48going, whoo-hoo!
07:50With gold shoes on.
07:54Everybody!
07:56There was two of them disguised as policemen
07:58and the rest had the obligatory ski masks, baseball bats.
08:02Where did they buy them from?
08:04Went to JJB's and got ski masks, half a dozen,
08:06and, er...
08:08Tell you what, baseball bats as well.
08:11The only problem is it's a bit nippy.
08:15The thing I find interesting about this robbery
08:17is that initially they say it's 40 million,
08:19they say it could be 50 million.
08:20And these are people who are supposed to look after money
08:23and they don't know how much is in there.
08:26That's why they should have taken it, if they're not looking after it.
08:28It wasn't the fact that they weren't looking after it,
08:30that they actually have to break in, threaten to kill people to get it.
08:32It wasn't like they were just sitting on a riverbank going...
08:37Neil, how would you get rid of 40 million quid?
08:40Oh, so easy, buy a little country.
08:44You could buy one of those islands off Dubai.
08:46Absolutely, stick some electricity on there,
08:48grow a big, fat, whole plantation of marijuana plants
08:51and never leave.
08:56Oh, yeah, yeah, you may applaud,
08:58but what kind of example is that?
08:59It's a little Kelly Osbourne.
09:03Well, let's have a look and see whether the heist
09:04is one of the most talked about things this week.
09:07Yes, it is.
09:10Yes, the 40 million pound heist
09:12was the most talked about thing this week.
09:14The authorities are looking for people
09:15who'll give themselves away by driving flash cars
09:17and wearing lots of jewellery.
09:19Police have arrested Essex.
09:24Of course, they have no idea who did it.
09:26In other news, nine dustmen have just bought Charlton Athletic.
09:31What else have people been talking about this week?
09:34Well, there was a story, wasn't there,
09:37about the gay footballers having...
09:40organising orgies amongst themselves.
09:42Gay orgies?
09:43That's something you wouldn't know anything about.
09:48We're just friends.
09:49That's how rumours go.
09:50That's a very big assumption, Neil.
09:52So what are you trying to say?
09:53Are you gay, Richard?
09:55Come on, let it out now while you're on television.
09:57Don't get out loud, Richard.
09:58No, no.
10:00Well, I didn't like the stuff about the vibrating telephones.
10:03Ah, well, you see, obviously very useful as a sexual toy.
10:06Depends what ringtone it's got, really.
10:08If it's got, do you know the west of Amarillo,
10:10well, it's not up here, mate.
10:11You know what I mean?
10:14Gives a whole new meaning to the word ringtone, doesn't it?
10:19Footballers run around on a field with a bunch of other men.
10:22Some of them have got to be gay.
10:24It must be harsh news, though, when the manager comes in
10:26and goes, statistically, some of you have to be gay.
10:28It's true.
10:29It's you two.
10:31I'm afraid you'll be spending all your time in the dugout.
10:35Apparently one of them, they went back to their house
10:37and one of them went off into his bedroom,
10:38came out with 5,000 in cash and said,
10:40I'll give it to anybody who'll perform a sex act.
10:43Now, the thing that struck me about that was,
10:44five grand in cash, that money should be in an ISA.
10:49Well, let's have a look and see
10:50whether it was the most talked about thing this week.
10:53Yes, it was.
10:56OK, what else have people been talking about?
10:58The Prince's, Charles' diaries.
11:00Go on, tell me more.
11:02The Royal Family aren't to have any opinion on political,
11:05on politics, anything, and he just,
11:07I think he would write his beliefs on China
11:10and something was going on in China, I don't know,
11:12and send it off to people and they got printed.
11:14Yeah.
11:15It's like Newsnight.
11:17You're right, the Royal Family aren't meant to have
11:19any political opinions. Do you know what that is?
11:21Because it causes problems.
11:22No, it's because they're inbred and they're stupid.
11:27I think Prince Charles' diary would be like,
11:29Wednesday, got up, ate a swan, it was good.
11:34He's a real drama queen, isn't he?
11:36He's saying, no, nobody will appreciate me till I'm dead.
11:38I mean, he's turning to Morrissey, isn't he?
11:40Nobody loves me, you know.
11:43He's a ridiculous prick.
11:48Let's have a look and see whether Prince Charles' diaries
11:50is one of the most talked about things this week.
11:52Yes, it is.
11:55Yes, this is the story of Prince Charles' diaries
11:57being leaked to the press.
11:59He describes himself as a political dissident.
12:01Funny, I can't remember Che Guevara having a butler.
12:06At the end of that round, I can tell you that
12:07Sean, Kelly and Vic have three points,
12:09Dave, Richard and Neil have two points.
12:12Join me after the break and we will be finding out
12:14if Britain's pets have a drinking problem.
12:21APPLAUSE
12:25Welcome back.
12:26The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
12:28We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
12:30from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
12:33Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
12:35one salient piece of information,
12:37so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:39Seven out of ten adults are unaware
12:41that there is an £80 on the spot fine for what?
12:44Is there an £80 on the spot fine for letting your kids
12:46scream and run around?
12:47It is to do with kids.
12:48Is it to do with kids?
12:49Is it threatening to shut them in the car?
12:51Because, like, our son Jack, he was about six
12:53and he was really infuriating everybody, right?
12:55I used to say to him,
12:56if you don't behave yourself, you're going to the car.
12:58And on this occasion, it's Sunday lunch in the pub
13:00and he wouldn't shut the fuck up.
13:03He's a proud dad.
13:06OK, he's 19 now, I still do it.
13:09Put him over my shoulder and started to walk out through...
13:11And everyone was really glad, right?
13:12People like you.
13:13A nice one.
13:14Thanks, Dad, you're doing it.
13:15Come on, we're going to the car.
13:16They weren't really.
13:17Just going out the front, a little word, and then come back.
13:19Going out through all these people in the tables,
13:21and he's a little sod.
13:22He suddenly got the idea of going above my head to the public
13:25and he said,
13:26Not the car!
13:28Not the car!
13:29I said, no, you're coming to the car.
13:31And he goes,
13:32Help!
13:34It's buying something you shouldn't.
13:36Alcohol underage.
13:37Correct.
13:38Alcohol underage.
13:39There you go.
13:41Yes, seven out of ten adults are unaware
13:43It's an £80 on-the-spot fine for buying alcohol for minors,
13:46but it's worth it just to see their little drunken faces.
13:50Please slur the funniest things.
13:5371% of Brits agree that what is an acceptable pastime?
14:00Take it away, Vic.
14:02Putting sellotape over your eyes.
14:08It is good fun.
14:11Streaking at a mosque.
14:14What about sex?
14:15Sex?
14:16Yeah.
14:17Do you only find sex acceptable?
14:18That's what I tend to say after sex.
14:20I tend to say, that was acceptable.
14:23Is it acting?
14:24Acting isn't acceptable.
14:25It's not a proper job, is it?
14:27Bollocks.
14:28No, it's just you've got to read out loud without giggling.
14:32I was sat next to an actress at a dinner,
14:34and she was talking about,
14:35God, it's so hard.
14:37You sit in this trailer all day long.
14:40I'm like, yeah, right.
14:41You get paid like £9 million per movie.
14:43Shut up.
14:44Who was the actress?
14:45Not telling.
14:46Come on.
14:47Come on, name that bitch.
14:50Patricia Routledge.
14:51No.
14:54Patricia Routledge getting £9 million a movie.
14:59Come on, who is it?
15:00I think she's cracking.
15:01I'll tell you what.
15:02We'll put you in the car.
15:05It won't be the first time me and Richard Madeley
15:06have bundled a young lady to London.
15:12Can you give us a clue?
15:14It involves holding something in your hand.
15:17Angling?
15:18It's got to be fishing.
15:19Exactly the right answer, Neil Morrison.
15:24That means that quite a large percentage of British people
15:27think that angling is completely unacceptable.
15:33Angling is totally unacceptable.
15:37Here's your next one.
15:3810% of dinner ladies see what as essential?
15:41Is it food?
15:46What about topless Friday?
15:49More fried food today.
15:53I'll give you a clue.
15:54It's to do with a kitchen implement.
15:55Axe.
15:56An axe.
15:59What about like a serving spoon?
16:01That would be higher than 10% I feel.
16:03Yes, yes.
16:04No, no, they're just doing it with their hands.
16:08I have to tell you, I can't believe you haven't guessed.
16:1010% of dinner ladies think salad spinners are essential.
16:14So at the end of that round, I can tell you,
16:15it's three points to Sean's team and five points to Dave's team.
16:21The next round is believe it or not.
16:22In this round, I'll give you a simple statement
16:24and all you have to do is tell me whether you think it's true or false.
16:27Dave, Richard and Neil, let's see your clip.
16:39Ah!
16:43Ah!
16:50That was a clip from the 1984 horror movie Attack of the Beast Creatures.
16:54Here is your related statistic.
16:55If attacked by a bear whilst camping,
16:5831% of American men would abandon their partner in favour of their own safety.
17:04Is that true or false?
17:05What you shouldn't do if a bear comes at you, you should not run.
17:08You shouldn't run away because they take that as panic.
17:10I mean, I think you should run away if there's two of you.
17:12If she's there, you should say,
17:13Let's run for it, because just keep a bit in front of her then.
17:19I'll run that way, you run for the cubs.
17:24She'll not attack you with her kids.
17:26I mean, I know, I've actually dealt with, I know how to deal with bears.
17:29I know that I wouldn't run away.
17:30It's very easy to do it.
17:31A lot of people get frightened.
17:32There's no need to be frightened.
17:33The thing about bears is, is you just let them come at you.
17:36Just keep, as fast as they want, stand still.
17:38And when they're about six inches away, you just do this,
17:40you just go, whoa, like that.
17:42Because they've got those big round feet, they've got no mobility.
17:45They just go, whoa, whoa, whoa.
17:47Richard, I've got a question for you.
17:49Okay, you're camping with Judy.
17:50Yeah.
17:51Do you abandon Judy if attacked by a bear?
17:52I would lay down my life for my wife.
17:56Presumably, when you get home, you go, I don't watch this, Judy.
18:01If attacked by a bear whilst camping,
18:0231% of American men would abandon their partner
18:04in favour of their own safety.
18:06Is that true, or is it false?
18:07We now think it's false.
18:08You are right, it is false.
18:137% of US men would abandon a loved one if attacked by a bear.
18:16Never mind a bear, I nearly left my girlfriend
18:18when that whale came up the Thames.
18:20Sean, Kelly and Vic, here's a clip to illustrate your fact.
18:23These chimps sleep 12 hours daily,
18:25love bread and butter, tea, coffee, hot chocolate
18:27and the occasional bottle of beer.
18:29Renner says that training them to skate needs endless patience
18:32and an inexhaustible supply of bananas.
18:35Looking for Connie Langford with our celebrity...
18:40Have you seen her, Connie Langford, in that show?
18:41I've never seen anyone who's so pleased to be on television.
18:44It looks like she's going to explode if she gets any happy.
18:47What's her name?
18:49The British actress.
18:50What does this mean?
18:51I think she's in a relationship with another man.
18:53Oh, the British acoustic guitarist.
18:55What, the British acoustic guitarist.
18:57Well, I don't know.
18:59I think we will see her very soon.
19:00I've never seen her before, I don't know her name.
19:02if she gets any happier.
19:05Here's a related statistic for you.
19:0725% of vets have treated a drunk pet.
19:10Is that true or false?
19:11But that could be just the same pet
19:13that's gone round a quarter of the vets in Britain
19:15as one real boozy dog.
19:17It's a shame that dogs start repeating themselves, isn't it?
19:19Saying the same story over and over again.
19:26Yes, I know, I've heard it.
19:29An animal will head towards alcohol if it sees it.
19:33You know, if a pelican sees some vodka,
19:38it's going to be in there.
19:40You've got a lot of pets, what have you got, Nick?
19:43Pelican.
19:46He, Signor, no have pelican.
19:48No, no have pelican.
19:50I feel like I've arrived down in Mexico way
19:52and the locals they know so friendly.
19:54Yeah.
19:55Hey English, you want pelican?
19:58Follow me, but tell no one.
20:02So 25% of vets have treated a drunk pet.
20:05Richard, what do you think?
20:06A vet only has to treat a pissed pet once
20:08and he's in that statistic, isn't he?
20:10He's got a point.
20:11A whole career and he's never treated a drunk pet.
20:13I don't think so.
20:15I agree, Richard.
20:16I think it's true.
20:17I think it's true.
20:18True, we'll go true.
20:19Well, I can tell you, you are absolutely right.
20:2125% of vets have treated a drunken pet.
20:26So at the end of that round I can tell you
20:27it's four points for Sean's team
20:28and six points for Dave's team.
20:33And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:35I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
20:37and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me
20:39who or what they think came top.
20:41Here is your first one.
20:42Top priority for single men buying a house.
20:45Is it a kitchen sink that flushes?
20:49Is it one of those jewel-encrusted steel telephone helmet?
20:53And a massage glove.
20:57I'm thinking we've got points in the bag.
21:01I used to live in a flat.
21:02It was very, sort of, thin walls.
21:04And there was a very, very attractive trio of girls
21:06who lived in the flat next door.
21:07I swear, before I moved in, there was a hole in the wall
21:11between my bedroom and...
21:12It was there.
21:13I thought of complaining to the landlord
21:14but I thought, no, let them look.
21:18When I was a single man, every time I moved,
21:20what I used to do, if I've got a phone-connected electrician,
21:22I'd go to the nearest off-licence,
21:23I'd go up to the counter and say,
21:24Hi, I'm Sean, and over the next few years,
21:26you'll be seeing quite a lot of me.
21:28Never sell me whisky.
21:35Opposite a pub. Next to a pub.
21:37Correct, Dave.
21:41Dream holiday companions.
21:43There was a thing in the paper the other week
21:45that somebody checked in and the luggage was ten kilos over
21:49and the guy went, well, let's see if we can take anything out
21:51and the undid it.
21:52Telly.
21:55Why are you taking a television?
21:56Benidorm.
21:57Coronation Street.
22:00I invented a holiday extension.
22:04It's about 100 miles long.
22:06So you just plug it in and you can use your own electricity supply.
22:14An electricity supply that you feel comfortable with.
22:17Stephen Hawking's, I take.
22:19Because you'd get on the plane first, then, wouldn't you?
22:23Is it Judith Chalmers?
22:25Because she'd be really good company on the plane
22:27and in the event of a crash in the Andes, she'd be quite tasty.
22:29Do you think?
22:30I think she'd be nice steamed.
22:33If Judith is watching this,
22:35you're not under any sort of immediate threat.
22:37We're just discussing how we'd like to eat you.
22:42We're going to eat you, Judith.
22:47Is it an English person or an American person?
22:49It is an English couple.
22:51Richard and Judy.
22:54Is it her mum and dad?
22:55Yes, it is.
22:56Your mum and dad.
23:00Our nation's three holiday companions are Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne.
23:04Right, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
23:07which means the final scores are Sean, Kelly and Vic have four points,
23:10but our winners are Dave, Richard and Neil with nine points.
23:14Thank you to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:16and to all of you for watching at home.
23:18That's it from us. See you next week. Cheers.