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GamingTranscript
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00:00:26For a limited time only, you can buy one taco for the price of two and receive a second taco.
00:00:33No extra charge.
00:00:38Ms. Mayor, what brings you to my humble stand?
00:00:41You can stop pretending, Mr. Vasquez.
00:00:44No one is watching. I am pleased to see you have everything up and running already.
00:00:49Then I guess you're here for an update on Operation Trash Collection.
00:00:53In due time. First, I would like to talk about something else.
00:00:57Aye, aye, ma'am.
00:01:07I am making an effort to get to know my constituents.
00:01:10Would you tell me a little bit about your background?
00:01:13I guess. Sure. Anything in particular?
00:01:19Tell me more about your life before coming here.
00:01:22Mommy's way. You know I'm not allowed to talk about my time spent with the organization.
00:01:28Of course you can. What's the worst they can do? Burn you?
00:01:32Oh, right. Too late for that.
00:01:34Actually, revealing the secrets of the PMF might get us both killed.
00:01:39Spare me the drama. As far as they know, this conversation never happened.
00:01:46The Plausible Mission Force is an independent espionage agency.
00:01:50We take the hard missions, but not the impossible ones.
00:01:56Why are you no longer working with them? And do not give me that for-the-love-of-taco speech.
00:02:02As you know, Signora Barrett, the PMF has disavowed me.
00:02:07My last mission was... oh, how to put it...
00:02:11My last taco was a bit more than I could chew.
00:02:14You sure you have time for this? It's a long story.
00:02:18Indulge me, please.
00:02:21A year ago, the PMF was dealing with a mission of the utmost importance.
00:02:25Let me guess.
00:02:38Keeping the identities of all our secret agents from falling into the wrong hands?
00:02:43No, Signora. They had tickets for the World Series.
00:02:47Anyway, the agency head came to me with a mission he knew I could handle better than anyone.
00:02:53It was a mole in the PMF.
00:02:55The mission, which I chose to accept, was to find the mole and neutralize them.
00:03:00Quite an interesting task, Mr. Vasquez. What happened next?
00:03:04Something that will haunt me all my life.
00:03:07My best friend, Diego Traicionero, was the mole all along.
00:03:12Who could've guessed, right?
00:03:14I had just found him out, and I was giving the boss his status report.
00:03:17Daring his daughter's quinceañera, but that bastardo sniped him from three blocks away.
00:03:22Right in front of me.
00:03:24The party was full of cops, too, so I was taken in as a suspect.
00:03:29Diego used the chance to drop the mole charges on me, on top of the assassination.
00:03:33Everyone bought it, because only the boss had known about my assignment.
00:03:37I fled, but not before sweating revenge on that pendejo, Diego Traicionero.
00:03:43When I become president, I shall appoint you head of the PMF,
00:03:47and gift-wrap that Diego Traicionero bastard for you.
00:03:51Ay, señora Barrett, you're gonna make El Tequilo cry.
00:03:58How did the organization begin?
00:04:00We started at the bottom, rescuing stray cats stuck in trees.
00:04:04I am on the edge of my seat. Please tell me more. It is so fascinating.
00:04:09Escucheme bien, señora Barrett.
00:04:12Sometimes, even a cat stuck in a tree can be a matter of life or death.
00:04:16So don't judge a mission on its apparent simplicity.
00:04:19Hard not to.
00:04:23What was your last successful mission?
00:04:25One of my final assignments was to deal with one of the world's deadliest Soviet spies.
00:04:30His codename was Petrov.
00:04:32His main mission was to turn American agents into sleeper agents for the other side.
00:04:37It was one of the most difficult missions I ever went on.
00:04:40He outwitted us at every turn.
00:04:42What happened then?
00:04:44He fled the country with his daughter Natasha.
00:04:46But, thanks to an American agent they call Coconut Tree, we tracked him down to a safe house in Paris.
00:04:52We cornered him, and disposed of him like the Soviet dog he was.
00:04:58Wow.
00:05:01I did not realize you and Maxwell knew each other.
00:05:05No mames.
00:05:07You're telling me that peach away from the tiki bar is THE Coconut Tree?
00:05:11You really did not know?
00:05:13I thought you worked together.
00:05:15We've collaborated, but I've never actually met him.
00:05:18If I had, I'd already have his autograph. That man's a legend.
00:05:22What a marvelous coincidence that you are both here.
00:05:25You should go over to the Kamehameha and drink to the success of that mission you mentioned.
00:05:30Actually, we have a lot to discuss. That case is still technically open.
00:05:35See, we know Petrov had a collaborator, and they're the ones trying to carry out his mission now.
00:05:40Something smells rotten in the state of New Mexico, and it's not just my food truck.
00:05:44Let us focus on the task at hand.
00:05:52Let's discuss the operation.
00:05:54What about it?
00:06:00I would like to go over the plan from the beginning.
00:06:03I gotta infiltrate Mike's diner and collect enough evidence to put that filthy pendejo out of business.
00:06:10Whatever it takes.
00:06:12And once you have all that information?
00:06:15I'll make an anonymous call to the health inspector to shut the place down.
00:06:19Simple. A la parque efectivo.
00:06:21Leave the customers out of it. Nothing must happen to them.
00:06:24Señora Barrett, I'm a professional.
00:06:27Good. And make sure you don't engage with my offspring, either.
00:06:43You look quite tired. Is there anything you need to discuss before we greenlight the operation?
00:06:49It's nothing serious, Señora Barrett. I'm just having a little trouble sleeping.
00:06:54How so?
00:06:55Well, either I'm thinking too much about the target, or I'm still not used to the safehouse.
00:07:01Oh, and I wanted to talk about the uniform and the truck.
00:07:04Is the target giving you nightmares too?
00:07:07Oh, no. That way doesn't scare me at all.
00:07:10Then what is it? Are you having second thoughts?
00:07:14I'm a professional. I'll get it done.
00:07:17It's just... well, maybe it's none of my business, but he really doesn't seem like such a bad guy.
00:07:22You are right, Mr. Vasquez. It is none of your business.
00:07:30What is the issue with your uniform?
00:07:32El uniform está bien chido, Señora Barrett. Gracias. It's just a bit... tight in certain areas.
00:07:39Well, our choices were a bit limited.
00:07:42You are lucky that this gentleman wore the same size as you, and that his clothes survived the collision, even though he did not.
00:07:49Ah, that explains the olor a muerto. Couldn't you have taken the uniform off the ice cream truck driver?
00:07:56Well, I would have, but someone beat me to it.
00:07:59Who would steal a uniform off a corpse? I mean, present company excluded.
00:08:05I have a terrible feeling that I will find out very soon.
00:08:09Regardless, please do not forget to return that uniform when we have finished.
00:08:13If too many corpses turn up mysteriously naked, the mortician might start asking questions.
00:08:22What did you want to tell me about the truck?
00:08:24Oh, it smells terrible. Like someone stacked up trash for years and let it rot in the heat of the sun.
00:08:30Well, what did you expect a refurbished garbage truck to smell like? Lavender?
00:08:35Un camion recolector? Ay, Dios mio.
00:08:48Is there something about the safe house keeping you away?
00:08:51Yeah. Either the bright green glow or the screams of the ratas melting in the chemical waste.
00:08:56If you do not like your safe house, you can always sleep in the truck.
00:09:01Never mind. I'll learn to live amongst the waste.
00:09:04Who knows? It might give me some superpowers.
00:09:07I believe cancer is a more likely outcome.
00:09:10Cancer? Ay, no mames, wey.
00:09:13I must say, I thought you fellows at the PMF were made of tougher stuff.
00:09:18You're right, Senora Barrett. Ya no me voy a cajar no mas. I swear.
00:09:22I hope that is Spanish, for I will work quickly and without any complaints.
00:09:31Did Michael take the bait?
00:09:33He sure did. Miguel already picked up about ten of those maps and took them home.
00:09:39He did? Do we already have some recordings?
00:09:42Yes, but... I'm not sure you want to hear these.
00:09:47It's mostly him talking while doing various chores.
00:09:50You know, in the kitchen, the bedroom, also in the shower.
00:09:55I hate to ask, but what is happening in his kitchen?
00:09:58I think you should hear for yourself.
00:10:00Time to practice the forbidden recipes.
00:10:03The ones all walkers know not to cook in front of witnesses.
00:10:07Perfect. Whatever disgusting concoction he is making will be enough proof to...
00:10:11Perfectly correct.
00:10:13I'm going to have a look.
00:10:15I'm going to have a look.
00:10:17I'm going to have a look.
00:10:19Perfect. Whatever disgusting concoction he is making will be enough proof to...
00:10:23Perfectly cooked risotto al funghi,
00:10:26followed by this tender beef stroganoff with a side of caesar salad,
00:10:31and, last but not least, a delicious lemon drizzle cake.
00:10:36That filthy slimeball actually knows how to cook.
00:10:39And quite well, apparently.
00:10:41That mother cooker.
00:10:44I know this is a disgusting question, but what is happening in his bedroom?
00:10:48I know this is a disgusting question, but what is happening in his bedroom?
00:10:51He has some strange dreams.
00:10:54Here, let me just...
00:10:56Yes, yes, I've been working out.
00:10:59Thanks for noticing, Elisa.
00:11:08Mexican food is a lie.
00:11:14Ha! Strawberry.
00:11:22Michael Walker, the new mayor of...
00:11:30Yes, Mr. President, I have your meatballs right here.
00:11:35Turn it off, Mr. Vasquez. I have heard more than enough.
00:11:40What is happening in his... Oh, I do not even want to say it.
00:11:44It looks like the shower is where Mike practices his, uh, musical talents.
00:11:49You'd better hear this.
00:11:51I am running for mayor!
00:11:54Elisa will tear her hair!
00:11:57I'm gonna beat her!
00:12:00Gonna defeat her!
00:12:02She's gonna scream and cry!
00:12:05And hopefully she'll die!
00:12:08New on my menu!
00:12:11Mayor all upon due!
00:12:14That son of a...
00:12:15Well, at least I know what he is up to.
00:12:18What else is on this recording?
00:12:20About three hours of... well, this.
00:12:33Never mind. Just tell me when you have something of use.
00:12:39On a scale of one to ten, what is our likelihood of success?
00:12:43If God is willing, the winds favor us, and there are no black cats on the streets, eleven.
00:12:49Mr. Vasquez, overconfidence always leads to failure.
00:12:53No dude de mi, Senora Berry.
00:12:55Come on, ask me anything. Let me put your mind at ease.
00:12:59No dude de mi, Senora Berry.
00:13:01Come on, ask me anything. Let me put your mind at ease.
00:13:08What is your backup plan?
00:13:10Remember, if you get caught or killed,
00:13:13I will disavow any knowledge of your actions and condemn them immediately.
00:13:17Ah, no se preocupe, Senora Berry.
00:13:20I've done through that dune more than once.
00:13:22If they capture me, me bebo el cianduro, then problem solved.
00:13:29Do you still have access to any espionage resources?
00:13:33Ah, Senora Berry, I might be an outcast from the Force, but I still have true friends there.
00:13:38Wonderful. Call for backup. We could use all the help we can get.
00:13:42Backup? Over a pinche diner? Ah, no mames.
00:13:46If word spreads that I can't take care of this on my own,
00:13:49I'll be a laughingstock among spies everywhere.
00:13:52A sacrifice I am more than willing to make.
00:13:55Ouch, Senora Berry. You're hurting mi corazoncito.
00:13:59My family has tried and failed to take that place down for generations.
00:14:04Do not underestimate that son of a rocky oyster.
00:14:12Would you consider a more hands-on approach?
00:14:15I told you when you hired me. Tequilo Vasquez no es un asesino.
00:14:19Shall we change the subject?
00:14:21I'm all ears.
00:14:26Let me see if your cover stands up to scrutiny.
00:14:29Good day, Taco Smith. I have never before eaten the foods of Mexico.
00:14:35What do you recommend?
00:14:37Claro, Senora. Tengo tacos, tamales, and churros, of course.
00:14:40Tell me more about...
00:14:44the tacos.
00:14:46And the jolúes of tacos, ma'am.
00:14:48I prepare them with a handmade taco shell tortilla.
00:14:51Jolúes of tacos, ma'am.
00:14:53I prepare them with a handmade taco shell tortilla.
00:14:56With cheese, cilantro, onion, aguacate, and my secret salsa.
00:15:03Is that very spicy?
00:15:10I will take that as a yes.
00:15:15Tell me more about the tamales.
00:15:17Ah, los tamales son lo mejor.
00:15:20Especially when dealing with rowdy children who are picky about their food.
00:15:24Can you put broccoli in them?
00:15:26You can put anything in them. Pollo, ternera, cerdo, verduras, you name it.
00:15:32Intriguing. Perhaps my offspring would enjoy broccoli tamales for dinner.
00:15:41Tell me more about the churros.
00:15:43Ah, tasty churros.
00:15:45No one knows their origin, and no one really cares.
00:15:48They come in all sorts of flavors, like...
00:15:50Ah, yes. I used to eat them every weekend in London with my mother.
00:15:54Let me stop you right there, Senora Barrett.
00:15:57What those beachy brits did to the recipe should be considered culinary terrorism.
00:16:02Come on, now. It is quite normal to dip things in Marmite.
00:16:06Cállese la boca, Senora Barrett. Words have been declared for less.
00:16:14Do you do croquetas?
00:16:16Those are not Mexican, Senora Barrett.
00:16:18If you want fancy food, get yourself to Paris.
00:16:22Excellent. You pass my little test.
00:16:25Years of experience and rigorous training, Senora.
00:16:28Also a lifetime full of my abuelita's cooking.
00:16:31That will be enough. You seem to know your business fairly well.
00:16:35Never mind. I would like to pursue other topics of conversation.
00:16:39You're the boss, Senora Barrett.
00:16:42Do you know anything about the accident over at the motel?
00:16:45Based on the debris and the specific way the plane's been damaged.
00:16:48Well, it sounds improbable, but it looks like it went down because of a mid-air collision.
00:16:54A mid-air collision?
00:16:56Lincoln is too good of a pilot to not have seen something coming towards him.
00:17:00Besides, if that's what happened, where's the other plane?
00:17:04By Fillmore's accident, of course.
00:17:06Besides, if that's what happened, where's the other plane?
00:17:09By Fillmore's accident, of course.
00:17:12Maybe that is what the military is hiding out in the desert.
00:17:22Did you notice the military base that suddenly appeared out in the desert?
00:17:26I saw they were building something out there, yeah.
00:17:29After the convoy went through town, I snuck out to the desert to see what was going on.
00:17:33Well, what are you waiting for? Spill the frijoles.
00:17:37Oh, those frijoles are gonna cost you, Senora Barrett.
00:17:41That is preposterous, Mr. Vasquez. I am not paying you for information you already have.
00:17:47Man, my lips are sealed, sorry.
00:17:52Let us continue this conversation another time.
00:17:55I'll be here.
00:17:56Excuse me, just one question, Senora Barrett.
00:18:01If you already have the means to demolish that pinche diner, why bother with this whole operation?
00:18:06Consider yourself a fail-safe, or a plan B if you prefer.
00:18:10Don't worry, Senora Barrett. That pendejo doesn't stand a chance.
00:18:15Do not cut off the tusks before you have shot the walrus, Mr. Vasquez.
00:18:24On today's menu, try our Carolina Reaper milkshake.
00:18:29Now includes a free line skip voucher at the hospital.
00:18:35If life gives you lemons, buy tacos.
00:18:40It's not exactly how the saying goes, but we need to sell them, desperately.
00:18:47Introducing the all-new San Valentaco.
00:18:51Show your love right now, a few months early.
00:18:55Ooh.
00:18:58If it's taking too long, speed it up.
00:19:01Get your significant other our signature viuda negra taco.
00:19:08Up for a healthy snack? We've got you covered.
00:19:11Try our new bald hat.
00:19:14I'm here to...
00:19:25...
00:19:35Who goes there?
00:19:37It's just the mayor.
00:19:39Just the mayor? What is going on here, deputy?
00:19:43I've been assigned a task of utmost importance.
00:19:47I'm sorry, but I can't talk with you right now, ma'am.
00:19:50Could there be behind a bush that is of utmost importance?
00:19:53You need to get your priorities straight, deputy.
00:19:56Just following the chief's orders, ma'am.
00:20:04Mr. Huckleberry. Ruining someone's night, I see.
00:20:08Ruin? No way!
00:20:10My music's gonna lull them into the sweetest dreams they've ever had.
00:20:14Or nightmares.
00:20:16Are you here for a reason, or did you just drop by to needle me?
00:20:22It is a bit late for your tuneless screeching.
00:20:25Please call it a night.
00:20:27Why would I do that? I just got started.
00:20:32The worse you play, the darker the sky gets.
00:20:36If you keep going, it might cause a thunderstorm, and this town has no flood protection.
00:20:41It might be nice to feel a little desert rain on my skin.
00:20:44That is not my point.
00:20:46Hey, I know! Tell Betty to get out here!
00:20:49Between my playing and her dancing, I'm sure we'll conjure up the storm of the freakin' century!
00:20:54It'll be awesome!
00:20:56I need to stop giving people ideas.
00:21:01How do I put this subtly?
00:21:03Ma'am, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
00:21:07Alrighty then.
00:21:09Mr. Huckleberry, are you aware that people are joining this space program because of you?
00:21:14I don't think I follow.
00:21:16Simply put, your infernal screeching is so horrible
00:21:20that some of our fellow citizens would rather strap themselves to a missile
00:21:24and be shot into the vastness of space
00:21:27just to get as far away from you and your music as humanly possible.
00:21:31Perhaps a tad harsh, but it did get him to stop playing.
00:21:35Now, if I could only find a way to make him leave as well.
00:21:44I have a request, Mr. Huckleberry, if you are up to the task.
00:21:48Let me guess. Hail to the chief?
00:21:50Actually, I was going to ask if you could play something to make people leave the park.
00:21:55You want me to play badly?
00:21:57Yes, just the usual.
00:21:59Oh, um, not to be rude, but this isn't really the kind of gig I had in mind.
00:22:06How are things with your baby girl?
00:22:08She's not the same after that filthy pig put his grubby hands on her.
00:22:16At least the two of you have been reunited.
00:22:18I'm thinking of suing the sheriff's office over this.
00:22:21No, I cannot, I mean, they cannot sue you.
00:22:25No, I cannot, I mean, they cannot afford a lawsuit.
00:22:28Sorry, Ms. Mayor, but I feel I deserve compensation for this.
00:22:32Listen to me, you paltry excuse for a musician.
00:22:36If you so much as look up a lawyer's phone number,
00:22:39I will make sure your baby girl disappears forever.
00:22:43Get ready to play the tambourine, because you will never see your guitar again.
00:22:48Ah!
00:22:53I see your recent encounter with the sheriff has taught you well.
00:22:57Yeah, I want to keep my distance from that guitar napper.
00:23:00Goodbye, Mr. Huckleberry.
00:23:02Go with the flow, Ms. Mayor.
00:23:04Just a second, ma'am. Before you go, could I interest you in my songwriting skills?
00:23:09I could create a real catchy theme song for your campaign.
00:23:12Interest is a strong word, but your music might just get me the youth vote.
00:23:18I suppose it is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
00:23:21Let me jam you the jammiest jam that's ever been jammed.
00:23:35Pretty good, huh? Got a real political vibe.
00:23:39Well, when do I start?
00:23:41After much more consideration than you deserve,
00:23:44I have decided that I want you as far away from me and my campaign as physically possible.
00:24:01Not yet. We have no other choice but to follow Mr. Riley's orders.
00:24:07For now.
00:24:12It's too dark. I can't...
00:24:16And where would I go with it? Corona?
00:24:20Ha! Not in a million years.
00:24:33My goodness, Maxwell. This is far too dangerous.
00:24:38My goodness, Maxwell. This is far better than I thought it would be.
00:24:42Hey, what's that supposed to mean, huh?
00:24:46Oh, Max. I'm just teasing.
00:24:49But really, the bar looks wonderful. You did an amazing job.
00:24:54I sure did. And I did it all by myself.
00:24:58I don't have minions to do the heavy lifting. Unlike some people.
00:25:03We have been over this a hundred times, Max.
00:25:06You cannot just borrow Joseph whenever you feel like it.
00:25:10Besides, I am quite sure you can lift more than he can.
00:25:14True. Anyway, welcome to the Kamehameha Tiki Bar and Lounge, Eliza.
00:25:21The best and only Polynesian drinking establishment on this side of Oahu.
00:25:27You ready to say aloha to a good time?
00:25:30This really brings back memories of the good old days.
00:25:33It really does, doesn't it? So, what brings the mayor to my humble establishment?
00:25:39I'm guessing the grand opening isn't the real reason you came in.
00:25:51Max, Jenkins has been kidnapped by a ruffian named Jack Riley.
00:25:55All right! I was just thinking to myself how boring civilian life can be.
00:26:00I still have some C4 left over from my last mission. Let me just grab it and...
00:26:04Um...
00:26:05What?!
00:26:07Perhaps you should try something a bit more subtle?
00:26:10No way! I did subtle for way too long. And now I want to blow stuff up!
00:26:15If you want my help, we do it my way. Going once, going twice...
00:26:22Fine! I will handle this myself.
00:26:32I am sure I do not even have to ask, but...
00:26:35We've been through thick and thin together. I've always got your back.
00:26:40Besides, you're the best politician I know. You deserve to be mayor. And you have my support.
00:26:47I knew I could count on you, Maxwell. Finally, someone that does not ask for something in return.
00:26:53Now that you mention it, there is one thing...
00:26:57No, do not dare to...
00:26:59Ha! Just ribbing you. That said, maybe you could help me out.
00:27:05I need some live music for the bar, and I haven't had much luck. Maybe you could ask around?
00:27:11Anything for a friend.
00:27:13Wait! The ad's over there on the pinboard.
00:27:20Live music? Ugh, just what this place needs.
00:27:24Actually, it's exactly what this place needs. Some live music should really cheer up the clientele.
00:27:34What clientele?
00:27:36Exactly! But first, I need your expertise.
00:27:40I had Frank Cooper draw up this contract for me since he has more business experience.
00:27:45I can't make heads or tails of this legal jargon, though. Can you look it over for me?
00:27:50I suppose I could. I would not want you to be cheated, after all.
00:27:59Max, do you mind if I take this outside? I cannot abide that stench.
00:28:04Go ahead. I'll wait.
00:28:11This is quite an aggressive contract. What a mind Mr. Cooper has for paperwork.
00:28:17Upon signing this document, employee promises to clean employer's home and all personal effects.
00:28:23Hardly standard in a musician's contract.
00:28:26But it heartens me to think of those freeloaders being put to real work.
00:28:35By the Sons of Liberty! How dare you steal from me!
00:28:44Well, Max, the good news is that while morally bankrupt, the contract seems to be perfectly legal.
00:28:50The bad news...
00:28:52Oh, come on! Don't tell me it was that damn eagle again!
00:28:56Well, if there is nothing else you need...
00:28:58Not so fast. Go ask Frank. Maybe he has another copy.
00:29:03Must I?
00:29:04No, you're welcome to track down that eagle and steal the contract back before she eats it.
00:29:13Greetings, Max.
00:29:14Welcome, my friend.
00:29:20I need you to reach out to your contacts in Washington and ask for intel on the Desert Viper.
00:29:25Oh, you mean Lorraine? Why, what's the problem?
00:29:29I could swear you just implied that Lorraine is the Desert Viper.
00:29:34Did... did you really not know that?
00:29:37No, I most certainly did not.
00:29:40Oh, boy. I know you're mad, but just remember one thing.
00:29:45You can't argue your way out of a gunshot wound.
00:29:53I would love to catch up with you if you have the time.
00:29:57I've always got time for you, honey.
00:30:03Queen Kapi'olani's dress. God, that brings me back.
00:30:07That was the best caper we ever pulled off.
00:30:11What a pair of troublemakers we were.
00:30:14Would you mind if I borrowed it for a while? I just want to try it on for old time's sake.
00:30:19Yes, I mind.
00:30:21We agreed that whoever looked best in it could keep it, and I won fair and square.
00:30:27I thought I looked great in it.
00:30:29Yeah, well, amazing beats great, hon. It's staying with me.
00:30:35Have you heard from Monique?
00:30:37Well, not since you convinced her that I died.
00:30:41In retrospect, perhaps I was a tad too enthusiastic about it.
00:30:45But you have to admit, it was a flawlessly executed plan.
00:30:49Flawless? We had to hold a fake funeral!
00:30:53But she left you alone, right? Therefore, it was a success.
00:30:58Yeah, well, you forgot to tell my mom it was fake.
00:31:01She still hasn't forgiven you for that. Hell, she hasn't forgiven me either.
00:31:08Can you tell me about your last mission again?
00:31:11Berlin, 1945. We were laying low when the order came in.
00:31:17Captain Rogers had found our target's secret hideout in the city outskirts.
00:31:21By the time we got there, the hideout was heavily guarded on all sides.
00:31:26No easy way in, until Private Ryan got a brilliant idea.
00:31:31Borrow a tank and shoot ourselves right through a window.
00:31:35Worked like a charm, except for good ol' Ryan himself.
00:31:39He hit the wall. God rest his soul.
00:31:42The guards were on us in no time.
00:31:45But all it took was one good look at us to make them realize...
00:31:48It was better for their health to pretend they hadn't seen a thing!
00:31:52We moved through the bunker unimpeded until there was only a door between us and Evil Incarnate.
00:31:59I kicked the door down, ready to show that bastard how we do things in America!
00:32:04And that's when everything went FUBAR!
00:32:07Somehow, that bastard had known we were coming, and welcomed us with a deafening rain of fire and bullets!
00:32:14I managed to samba my way through it, but the rest of my team weren't so lucky.
00:32:19My men, dead before they crossed the threshold, and me with only a coconut left in my inventory.
00:32:26But I knew that all good people's hopes in this world were within that coconut!
00:32:31So I snuck behind him while he reloaded his guns and did what I do best!
00:32:37His last words were,
00:32:39Was muss du mit dieser Kuckusnuss?
00:32:43Or that's how it could have gone.
00:32:46But it didn't, because he was dead when we got there.
00:32:49Yep, killed himself just like the official report says.
00:32:55Are you excited to file your first list of tax-deductible business expenses?
00:33:00Well, excited isn't the first word that pops in my head when talking about taxes.
00:33:06But that 50% cut you gave me the other day? You're a lifesaver!
00:33:11What the hell are you talking about?
00:33:13I called you at home the other day and asked about it. Don't you remember?
00:33:18I have no memory of such conversation. What did I even tell you?
00:33:22It was something like,
00:33:24The Divine Mayor Barrett grants you a 50% tax cut.
00:33:28Henceforth, you shall pay as little in tax as possible.
00:33:32So saith I, ruler of this land!
00:33:36And then you said,
00:33:37I must dash! I am having tea with Lady Bloopington and her horse!
00:33:43And hung up.
00:33:44That was my offspring, Max. Not me!
00:33:47Goddammit, Betty!
00:33:49Wait, I still get that tax break, right?
00:33:52Oh, alright. But only because it is you, and only for one year.
00:33:57Aww, thanks, Eliza. Come here so I can give you a smooch.
00:34:06Ugh, I can still change my mind, you know.
00:34:11Do you think this venture of yours is completely sound?
00:34:14Do you think this venture of yours is completely sound?
00:34:17A Hawaiian bar in the middle of the desert?
00:34:20Hey, if that guy in the park can sell tacos off a truck and be successful in just a few weeks, so can I!
00:34:27The man who operates that truck is an agent I have personally hired to help bring down Michael.
00:34:32He goes by the name of Taquito.
00:34:35Taquito... Taquito...
00:34:38Wait, you're not talking about Taquito Vasquez, are you?
00:34:45Woo!
00:34:48The one and only.
00:34:50By luck! That guy's a freakin' legend!
00:34:54I can't wait to tell my friend back at the agent...
00:34:56Aren't you forgetting something?
00:34:58Oh, yeah. Secret. Crap.
00:35:02We should return to this some other time.
00:35:05Sure thing.
00:35:08What does a lady have to do to get her hands on a fancy drink here?
00:35:12She usually either has to give me money or a free drink flyer.
00:35:17Luckily, I have a flyer right here.
00:35:21Did you notice how incredibly detailed the design is on these?
00:35:25The colors! The typeface!
00:35:27I spent weeks just thinking about how wide I wanted the border to be!
00:35:31And here, look at the background color. Know why I chose that?
00:35:36Max, I am sure you worked hard, but this is just an advertisement.
00:35:41Most of these will end up in a trash can.
00:35:44Well, yours didn't!
00:35:47Anyway, where is my free drink?
00:35:50Ha! One round KO! Coming right up!
00:36:02There are a lot of new faces in town lately.
00:36:06What do you think of our new community members?
00:36:09Which new people, specifically?
00:36:20What is your opinion on Misters Cooper and DeLuca?
00:36:23I've heard the name Marco DeLuca before.
00:36:26There are a lot of rumors about what he did in Chicago.
00:36:30He's got a mean right hook and a business partner he'd die for.
00:36:33Guy named Angelo Martinelli.
00:36:36Martinelli, is it? Hmm...
00:36:41I was worried about the 200 pounds of pure muscle loitering in front of Michael's.
00:36:46Hmm... I'm not worried about that at all.
00:36:50Focus, Max.
00:36:52While I appreciate the fact that while he is there, Michael's business will be curtailed,
00:36:57I cannot help but feel this man is up to no good.
00:37:01Hey! If you want to tell him to go somewhere else...
00:37:04Tell him that muscular men on motorcycles are always welcome at the Kamehameha.
00:37:14I actually wanted to ask about Ms. Hart.
00:37:19Look, Eliza, you know I'm on your side, right?
00:37:23What sort of question is that? Of course I do!
00:37:26You do not want to be asking questions about Layla Hart. Trust me.
00:37:34What is your opinion on the new school principal?
00:37:37She's got big shoes to fill and no idea what's coming in September.
00:37:42And I know you didn't disclose the whole flammable pencil prank story.
00:37:47It would be legally inadvisable for me to do so.
00:37:50I mean, what flammable pencil prank?
00:37:53You know what? I am certain I can deal with these things by myself.
00:37:57Well, I'm here for you. I got your back, no matter what.
00:38:01I shall leave you to your bartending, Max.
00:38:04I'll leave you to your... marrying, Eliza.
00:38:12I will be honest. I would sooner have this picture on my desk than one of my offspring.
00:38:17That still does not mean I will take it from Max.
00:38:23Can you make sounds? Preferably by using an instrument?
00:38:26Then we'd love to work with you.
00:38:28Successful hires will be compensated with free food and drink.
00:38:32Note. Free food and drink must be paid at the end of your shift.
00:38:38I will be honest. That still does not mean I will take it from Max.
00:38:42Memory should stay where they belong. On the board.
00:38:48Memory should stay where they belong. On the board.
00:38:53Out of shape? Feeling lonely?
00:38:57Experience the island beat at Max's hula class.
00:39:01Every Wednesday at 6 p.m.
00:39:08¿Cómo estás, mi peñita en Almibar?
00:39:11I miss your smile every day. I miss other things, too.
00:39:15I will never forget the night you showed me your hula.
00:39:19When you come back, we will find the end of the Hawaiian rainbow together.
00:39:24Todo mi amor. Tu amigo Rodrigo Esperanza.
00:39:33By Roosevelt's fireside chats! I should never have let him do this.
00:39:39I cannot stop him now. Good or bad, I must allow him to continue.
00:39:45Thank goodness there are not many people here.
00:39:49By Roosevelt's fireside chats! I should never have let him do this.
00:39:56Testing.
00:40:00Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
00:40:03I have no need for masks, and neither do you.
00:40:15Max said this drink was smooth, sweet, and easygoing, with a touch of exotic mystery.
00:40:20Now that I say it out loud, I think he was just describing himself.
00:40:29Ever wished you could have slush and cider mixed together?
00:40:33Instead of always pouring cider into your slush.
00:40:36Well, this drink may be for you. Best served cold, ready to mingle.
00:40:42A liquor so expensive, you will be broke before it even touches your lips.
00:40:49Can you please just start?
00:40:53Ahoy! Can everyone hear me?
00:41:00One disguise down, two to go.
00:41:03That ridiculous costume shop might actually be of use to me today.
00:41:12If I brought this home, I think my offspring would not be the only one who starts asking questions.
00:41:26Wait, I know that voice!
00:41:30Buckingham? Is that you?
00:41:33Buckingham? Is that you?
00:41:38Oh, man! Long time no see, huh?
00:41:42I only speak in front of small crowds when I have no other choice.
00:41:50I would not even touch these with Joseph's severed hand.
00:42:03I can't believe she just took it.
00:42:06That does it, Eliza. From this day on, no more tiny umbrellas in your cocktails.
00:42:12Yeah, that'll teach her.
00:42:15I keep a spare one on me at all times.
00:42:18Damn you, Eliza, and your bottomless pockets!
00:42:21You better return it without a scratch.
00:42:34Ridiculous. A cardboard volcano cannot be following your movements.
00:42:39Stop being paranoid, Eliza.
00:42:55Not yet. We have n-
00:42:57I have no time to waste on i-
00:43:03Wait, I know that voice!
00:43:06Can you make sounds? Preferably by using an instrument?
00:43:10Then we'd love to hear it.
00:43:13I can't hear you.
00:43:16I can't hear you.
00:43:19I can't hear you.
00:43:22I can't hear you.
00:43:25I can't hear you.
00:43:28I can't hear you.
00:43:31Preferably by using an instrument? Then we'd love to work with you.
00:43:35Successful hires will be compensated with free food and drink.
00:43:39Note. Free food and drink must be paid at the end of your shift.
00:43:46Can you make s-
00:43:47Success. Note.
00:43:51Como esta?
00:43:52I miss-
00:43:53I will ne-
00:43:54When you c-
00:43:55Todo.
00:43:56Can you make sounds?
00:43:58Success. Note.
00:43:59Can you make s-
00:44:00Success. Note.
00:44:02Memory should stay-
00:44:06Wey.
00:44:08Aloha, Eliza.
00:44:10Mahalo, Maxwell.
00:44:15I would love to catch up with you if you have the time.
00:44:18I've always got time for you, honey.
00:44:23Are you still stringing Esperanza along?
00:44:26You know, I'd actually like to see him again.
00:44:29I should drop by the next time I go back.
00:44:31Why don't you come with me?
00:44:33You know I want to, but I have too many responsibilities.
00:44:37The campaign, whatever's up Amos' behind about these rodents.
00:44:41Besides, I cannot possibly leave my offspring alone at such a crucial time.
00:44:46Betty'll be fine. She'll probably just watch TV and-
00:44:52Red like the wind, perdigon!
00:44:57Yee-haw!
00:45:09Maybe after your campaign, then.
00:45:11We should return to this some other time.
00:45:13Sure thing.
00:45:15I shall see you another time, Max.
00:45:17You're always welcome here, my friend.
00:45:27Thank you, Max.
00:45:45I have socialized enough for one day.
00:45:52There are no maps left. That is the fi-
00:45:54Ah, I-
00:45:56Oh
00:46:23Lorraine, are you there?
00:46:27Lorraine, open up! We need to talk!
00:46:32Lorraine!
00:46:38What on earth, Eliza?
00:46:40Can't this wait until tomorrow?
00:46:42No, it cannot wait.
00:46:44I must speak with you now!
00:46:46Oh, alright. What is it then?
00:46:48Does the name Desert Viper ring a bell?
00:46:52Desert Viper?
00:46:54Wh-wh-what is that?
00:46:56The new dish at Mike's?
00:47:03God damn it, Lorraine! Stop pretending!
00:47:06You are the Desert Viper!
00:47:08Eliza, I-
00:47:09Do you lack a conscience, Lorraine?
00:47:11Or are you completely unaware of the consequences of your actions?
00:47:15I know, I know.
00:47:17My guns killed thousands of innocent people.
00:47:20What? No!
00:47:22I mean, yes, obviously they do, but that is not what I meant!
00:47:26Do you know what the taxes on firearms and ammunition are?
00:47:30I think you owe me, Lorraine.
00:47:32Hey, hey! Let's not do anything hasty, dear.
00:47:36Come on, please! Let's talk about this!
00:47:39Let me explain what will happen to you now.
00:47:45You get to keep your business on a few conditions.
00:47:48Do I have a choice?
00:47:50Certainly, you can choose not to accept.
00:47:52Of course, the choice accompanies a phone call to the-
00:47:55Fine, fine, I accept. Tell me what I have to do.
00:47:59First, you solemnly swear not to ever involve Betty in this trash.
00:48:03Do not sell her anything.
00:48:06Come on, I'm not stupid!
00:48:08Second, I want to know where these weapons are coming from.
00:48:11Well, if you must know, all my special produce comes from one place.
00:48:15The Kirtland Farm.
00:48:17You mean to tell me that the army is your supplier, straight out of Albuquerque?
00:48:22Preposterous! Hartman would never let something like this happen.
00:48:26Oh, please, Eliza!
00:48:28That knucklehead ex-husband of yours hasn't realized he has a daughter!
00:48:33You think he's paying close attention to the munitions inventory?
00:48:38You crack me up, Eliza!
00:48:41Damn it, John!
00:48:43Do not tell me anything else. The less I know about this, the safer I am.
00:48:48Oh, and one more thing.
00:48:50Would you happen to have an M1 Garand in stock?
00:48:53What? Why would you need a weapon like that?
00:48:56If you have one, I suggest you hand it over, right now.
00:49:00No, you don't understand! This is a special order!
00:49:04Oh, not to worry, Lorraine. I am sure your client will understand.
00:49:09Oh...
00:49:23Why do they call you the Desert Viper?
00:49:26I know it's a bit corny, but my dad always called me affectionate things like that.
00:49:31You think Desert Viper is a term of affection?
00:49:34As opposed to what? Offspring?
00:49:37Fair point.
00:49:44I am surprised Amos has not sniffed this out yet.
00:49:47Ha! Amos couldn't find himself in a mirror!
00:49:51Do not underestimate him, Lorraine.
00:49:53He may be distracted by a... questionable case right now, but he will certainly catch up to you.
00:50:00Yeah, I don't know about that.
00:50:02I've been next to the police station all year, and he never suspected a thing!
00:50:06Well, you cannot say I did not try to warn you.
00:50:13Lorraine, this is a highly dangerous game you are playing.
00:50:17Maybe, but it's one I've played all my life, and I know what I'm doing.
00:50:22But surely the consequences must keep you up at night.
00:50:26Yes, they do keep me awake all night. Counting money!
00:50:31Pleasure doing business with you, Lorraine.
00:50:36Oh, just one more thing before I go.
00:50:39I will just state it plainly. You and Tucker are voting for me.
00:50:45Okay, okay.
00:50:47Oh, and I also require the votes of your children and grandchildren to really ensure my silence.
00:50:53But I don't have any children!
00:50:55Well, then you'd better start working on that right away.
00:51:06LORRAINE'S LOW-CALIBER FRUITS
00:51:21Lorraine's Low-Caliber Fruits, how can I help you?
00:51:25It's Cooper. You got my stuff?
00:51:27Oh, yes. I have your shipment right here.
00:51:30Bene, bene.
00:51:31But there's a little problem.
00:51:33Nasta, Bene. What problem?
00:51:36I don't have the Garand.
00:51:38Stupid event, you straggler!
00:51:40Do you know what I will do to you if you don't deliver?
00:51:43Look, it was all cleaned up and ready to go, and then...
00:51:46Don't tell me it was those chinchillas again!
00:51:48No, it wasn't the rodents this time. It was the mayor.
00:51:52The syndicate? You gave my Garand to the mayor?
00:51:55I didn't have a choice! She was gonna shut me down!
00:52:00Parker Miserea! Did she mention why she wants the Garand?
00:52:05She didn't say. She must be planning a safari trip, thanks to the taxpayers, of course.
00:52:11Yes, of course. That must be what she's doing.
00:52:15My associate will drop by to collect the merchandise, pronto.
00:52:19And then someday, you and I must have a little talk about supply and demand.
00:52:25Let me give you a preview. You need to supply exactly what I demand. Capisce?
00:52:32It won't happen again, dear. I promise.
00:52:35Good evening, Viper.
00:52:44Damn. Completely out of reach.
00:52:50Hey, Mom, can you raise my allowance? I gotta buy a ton of broccoli.
00:52:53Wait, what the heck are you doing?
00:52:56Not now, offspring. I must recover something from that damned eagle's clutches.
00:53:01Why don't you try using the church organ?
00:53:04What? Why? The organ can barely be heard even inside the church. I saw to that.
00:53:10Well, remember that time we had an infestation of crows?
00:53:14How could I ever forget the most absurd idea you ever had?
00:53:18The aerial tow service would have definitely worked. We just needed more crows.
00:53:23Yes, well, limitations of physics aside, I do remember the incident. What is your point?
00:53:29Well, we had to get rid of them, so we came up with an idea to scare them away.
00:53:34Linda amplified the organ so it would be 700 times louder.
00:53:38Did it work?
00:53:39I mean, yeah, it scared the crap out of them. Like, all the crap. It took us three weeks to clean it all up.
00:53:46Hmm. Could Miss Valentine repeat the experiment?
00:53:50She said she wouldn't, but I bet if we lightened up the tow truck and found bigger birds...
00:53:55Ugh. Not your ridiculous invention. Could she modify the organ to scare off the eagle?
00:54:01Why don't you talk to Bucky? Considering he dismantled it and kept the parts.
00:54:16Let's go.
00:54:32Is that wine?
00:54:34Hey, relax! It's the holy commerce or something.
00:54:39It's called taking the sacrament, you buffoon.
00:54:42Oh, are you even really a priest?
00:54:45I'm more of a priest than you are, sugar.
00:54:48If you'll excuse me, I'm taking the sacrament.
00:54:54Miss Peanut, are you here to ask for divine guidance for handling my offspring?
00:54:59Well, the church does have centuries of experience fighting demons and monsters,
00:55:03but I mostly just wanted to hear the father's personal experience with the beast.
00:55:07Uh, well, that is not our usual man.
00:55:11He looks awfully familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
00:55:15Hmm. Well, never mind.
00:55:22How is the town treating you so far?
00:55:24Oh, I'm loving it here, actually. It's a very beautiful town, and the people are all so unique.
00:55:30I do hope no one is giving you trouble.
00:55:33Just Augustine. She keeps sending me hilarious notes explaining the fastest routes out of town.
00:55:39It's funny at first, but it's gotten a bit old already.
00:55:45I hope you took my advice and stayed as far away from Michael's as possible.
00:55:49Oh, definitely. You have nothing to worry about.
00:55:55How many of his dishes did you try, Miss Peanut?
00:55:58All of them.
00:56:09That will be all for now, Miss Peanut.
00:56:12Have a good night, Miss Mare.
00:56:13One more thing, Mare Barret.
00:56:15I'm starting to think I need a bit more preparation before I handle the beast.
00:56:19If I'm to have a fair go, I need to know where my predecessors went wrong.
00:56:24The more information you have, the better your chances of helping her, I suppose.
00:56:28What do you need to know?
00:56:30Well, I'm fairly familiar with the beast and her body of work,
00:56:33but there are some rumors I'd love to know more about.
00:56:37The lion tamer, for example, or the exorcism.
00:56:40Oh, what about the rumor that she accidentally became a war hero?
00:56:43And how about the foreign university scandal? Is that story true?
00:56:49One of your predecessors believed my offspring was possessed by the devil himself
00:56:54and insisted on an exorcism.
00:56:57I know it sounds crazy, but...
00:56:59Well, actually, he did drive something out of her.
00:57:03Not the devil, of course, but a lesser demon.
00:57:06Bloody oath. You're not joking, are you?
00:57:09No, I am not.
00:57:11The most unfortunate part is that when the demon was released,
00:57:14he wouldn't stop thanking us and kissing our feet.
00:57:17Apparently, far from being the cause of Betty's behavior, he was horrified by it.
00:57:22That's quite the tale, Ms. Mare.
00:57:24Well, the Vatican was not as entertained, let me tell you.
00:57:28Poor Jenkins was vilified as a demon savior and nearly excommunicated.
00:57:33Well, the press certainly didn't go into enough detail about what happened.
00:57:37Tell me another story. You've got one, don't you?
00:57:40Unfortunately, yes, I do.
00:57:45That lion tamer. Well, that was a joke.
00:57:48You should have seen him.
00:57:50A hirsute man in suspenders and tights, cracking his whip everywhere.
00:57:54Ha, what a dag.
00:57:56And what kind of amateur needs a whip to tame a lion?
00:58:00Well, anyway, what happened to your hairy bloke in tights?
00:58:03Well, he tried to tame Betty, and it did not go well for him.
00:58:07Have you ever seen a grown man cry?
00:58:10Yeah, of course.
00:58:11But have you ever seen a grown man cry while leaping through flaming hoops and purring?
00:58:17No, I haven't, but that sounds bloody brilliant.
00:58:20I must confess that it was hard to be angry with her for that.
00:58:24Watching her crack the whip and force him to do tricks was priceless.
00:58:30That's one hell of a story. Got another?
00:58:34You know I do. Next, I think you should hear this one.
00:58:41The war hero thing. Well, that was surprising for everyone involved.
00:58:46You see, 1944 was a tough year for all of us here.
00:58:50That was the year I agreed to sign a stop work order for the U.S. Mail for local routes.
00:58:56The carriers were incensed, especially as they were immediately drafted and given overseas assignments.
00:59:02But how are a bunch of posties a threat? What could they even do?
00:59:06Nothing on their own, but my offspring's teacher came up with a plot to get rid of her
00:59:11and enlisted every postal worker we had let go to help him.
00:59:15They lured her into a giant box with a Twonky and a ball of shiny foil,
00:59:20then sealed it, wrapped it in chains, and sent her to Normandy.
00:59:24Bloody hell, that's a bit much. Was she hurt?
00:59:28Hurt? No, she was returned safe and sound, with a letter thanking us for volunteering her for service.
00:59:35Apparently, she put the Allies' munitions to surprisingly effective use.
00:59:39That sounds like something that would build her character, though.
00:59:43I think more than anything, she demoralized the Germans.
00:59:47If I did not know better, I would say Hitler shot himself out of fear that she would get him next.
00:59:54What? No comment this time?
00:59:56Uh, sorry, I was just... well, I know impressed is probably the wrong word, but...
01:00:02Yeah, I was rather impressed by that one. Took me a moment to process everything.
01:00:07Can I hear another story?
01:00:11Oh, that university thing was doomed from the word go.
01:00:15You see, one teacher tried to reform my offspring instead of punishing her.
01:00:19She created a fake school in Brazil, the totally genuine University of Pernambuco.
01:00:25My offspring would have been the sole student, allowing her to receive special attention.
01:00:30As you might expect, she failed the entrance exam.
01:00:33But I heard all she had to do was sign her own name and she would have passed.
01:00:37How could she have possibly screwed that up?
01:00:40Well, she assumed it was a trick question, so she wrote Benzin instead.
01:00:45That's... extraordinary. For so many reasons.
01:00:50The worst part was breaking the news to Benjamin that it had all been a misunderstanding.
01:00:55He had already packed his bags and bought his ticket.
01:00:58Oh, he was crushed, cried for weeks.
01:01:02Crikey.
01:01:03Anyway, whatever you might have heard about my offspring, Ms. Peanut, the truth is far worse.
01:01:10That will be all for now, Ms. Peanut.
01:01:12Talk to you later.
01:01:15Bye.
01:01:27What now?
01:01:30That will be all for now.
01:01:32Before you go, a warning.
01:01:34If I see you talking with the fuzz again, you and I are going to have a problem.
01:01:39Got it?