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GamingTranscript
00:00The sheriff's office can wait I should take care of the evidence while I still have a chance
00:16Hello there Viper
00:19Don't say that to you. I heard that there's an FBI agent in town. I don't want to be found out
00:26You must mean agent Ortega
00:28Listen Eliza, I know you're mad at me, but I can't go to prison. Do you know what they do to me?
00:33They'll probably use me as a human sandbag or tie me to a chair and test cosmetics on me
00:40I'll have to murder my bunkie dress her corpse in my clothes wait for them to carry her away
00:45Escape by killing a few cafeteria workers climb on the top of the prison with a hostage make my demands kill her anyway
00:51Get shot at pull up. I Lorraine get a hold of yourself. This has nothing to do with you
00:56I swear now calm down or I will have to slap you
01:00Really? Oh, thank goodness. My poor heart can't handle this kind of stress
01:12Do you not have some way overdue tax forms to fill Lorraine
01:16Don't you have something better to do? I don't know like getting Mike's money back instead of harassing poor old ladies
01:27I
01:30Take it you have heard about the bank robbery you bet I did
01:34Sloppiest work I've ever seen what makes you say that. Oh, come on. This is grand larceny
01:41101 never get caught
01:44All that pea brain salesman had to do is find someone to pin it on
01:49Knowing our beloved sheriff as we do something as invasive as the chipmunk gang would have done the trick
01:57So, you know about the chipmunk gang have you seen the bullet holes in Tucker's truck
02:03Well, he got those down in Tijuana
02:06Courtesy of the Mexican chipmunk cartel Los Casca Nueces Sangrientos
02:12The world has gone completely mad. I agree
02:16Who knew there were even chipmunks in Mexico things got so bad Tucker was forced to get creative to cross the border
02:26What did you mean by creative border crossing methods
02:30One thing we learned is that chipmunks are really into a genre of music called C pop
02:36What on earth is a C pop? Let's just say it's high-pitched
02:42Now they were trying to form an all chipmunk band, but no one had any experience
02:48Thanks to Tucker. They became international recording stars in just six weeks
02:54Tucker still taking care of the band. Actually, do you have any proof of these wild claims? I can probably get your tickets
03:01How many do you want to maybe you could take a miss? Oh, I do not think taking Amos would be a good idea. Oh
03:09Of course the chipmunks. Oh, no, I was not even thinking about that
03:15It's just well Amos always sings along at concerts. It is so embarrassing
03:23My
03:28Offspring has recently been quite adamant that I raise her allowance
03:32She claims it is for the sole purpose of purchasing vegetables
03:36Now that is obviously a lie, but I wish to check with you before I punished her
03:41It's good that you did because I think for once she's telling the truth
03:45She cleaned me out of broccoli
03:47Well, at least she is spending all her money on healthy snacks instead of some new wild endeavor Wow Eliza
03:54You really don't know your daughter at all. Do you Betty's convinced that there's only one supplier of broccoli in the entire world
04:01If she can find the source she could destroy it all
04:07This broccoli delusion is too far-fetched for my offspring to have come up with it on her own
04:12I do not suppose you had something to do with this. Did you I
04:17Didn't I swear I mean not directly
04:21She was playing with an old tin of beans when she found it stuck to the bottom the scroll of the first floret
04:28it details the origins of a sacred vegetable its mysterious powers and
04:33The secret society that created it and spread it to all corners of the world
04:39Yes, of course a mysterious vegetable growing society who are its distribution specialists?
04:46the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny I
04:51Am perversely curious to hear more about this sacred vegetable society
04:56Hundreds of years ago in Italy a tavern owner named Michelangelo
05:00Caminatore was concerned. He saw how unhealthy people's diets were and how they struggled to feed themselves and their families
05:09Using his agricultural knowledge
05:12He sought out the healthiest plants he could find and started to grow it
05:17Others came around to his way of thinking and before long he had built a society of followers
05:23They called themselves the order of the verdant Savior
05:28They truly thought they could end war famine and disease forever
05:32So they plan to achieve world peace and harmony through kale and turnips
05:38Yes
05:40exactly
05:41Granted they didn't succeed, but that wasn't their fault
05:45Everything was fine until the Pope got involved
05:49Religion getting in the way of world peace and harmony. No
05:54He was so inspired by their mission that he showed Caminatore one of the Vatican's biggest secrets
06:00The location of the whole loose unctus the holy
06:05vegetable of legend
06:07Since we do not live in a vegetable based global utopia. I am assuming something went wrong
06:13Yeah
06:14Big time in the right hands the whole loose unctus could have saved the world
06:21Unfortunately the wrong hands got there first
06:24Caminatore was killed by one of his own followers in a coup
06:28Whoever that fiend was he slaughtered the faithful adherents and replaced them with greedy stooges
06:34With the sacred vegetable on the hands of brutal
06:38Capitalists its powers was soon corrupted and the order was no more
06:46What about this vegetable was so allegedly sacred well
06:51according to the scroll
06:53Whoever possesses the first floor and of the very first head of broccoli ever grown will be rewarded with eternal life
07:00I
07:02Understand that vegetables are healthy, but surely that is an exaggeration
07:06according to the scroll
07:08Every piece of broccoli a person eats steals a tiny bit of their life force
07:13This life force is transferred to the holder of the first floret
07:18Sustaining them forever. This is complete and utter nonsense
07:23Broccoli grows fast. It's cheap and it's easy to transport
07:28People buy it in huge quantities because they think it's healthy and force themselves to eat it
07:34But how would such a life-stealing vegetable even come into existence?
07:38Well, I looked it up and it seems there are three theories
07:42One it was a biological weapon created by a medieval wizard that killed its creator before he could destroy it
07:50To its seeds traveled from hell on the bottom of a demon's hoof and took root
07:56The third theory is that a cauliflower was corrupted by a trickster spirit and turned evil
08:05This vegetable story of yours is patently ridiculous
08:08You shouldn't laugh at the Church of crucifer dear perhaps. I spent too much time in the Sun today
08:14I could have sworn you just said the Church of crucifer
08:18I did see order of the verdant Savior didn't really fit their image anymore
08:24Under its new leadership the society's ultimate goals had completely flipped from altruism to profit. Ah
08:32I see now why you refer to this as a church
08:35What ostensibly started as a small religious organization eventually became a soulless mega corporation
08:43This is preposterous
08:45First of all, if such a powerful organization truly existed, I would know about it
08:51Second I would already be in charge
08:53I'm sure you would make an excellent cult leader, but the scroll says the church disbanded long ago
09:00After its leader was apprehended and most of his followers imprisoned. It just sort of died out
09:08How did they manage to capture the crucifers leader and his minions a
09:13Twelve thief manhunt bell tower surveillance
09:17Burning bushels of broccoli at the stake a traveling show called ye unsolved mysteries exposing their misdeeds
09:24But in the end it took only one night to bring them down
09:28Asbeth their offspring
09:31Asbeth was beyond dedicated to her cause when she died
09:34She ordered her followers to plant her up to her neck in a field as a warning to any future
09:42vegetable cultists
09:43What inspired urs Beth's fervor was she commanded by visions of long-dead saints to fight for the greater good?
09:51No, she was allergic to broccoli
09:56But my offspring cannot possibly hate broccoli that much why is this so important to her?
10:02She thinks she's the reincarnation of airs Beth their offspring
10:07Finishing her work is now Betty's holy mission an anonymous cult of broccoli acolytes secretly controls the world through vegetable
10:15Consumption and my daughter who could get lost inside a paper bag is the reincarnation of their noble eradicator
10:22Oh and all broccoli consumed worldwide originates from a single source
10:28Quietly draining the life force of those who consume it to sustain the cult's evil immortal leader. Have I missed anything?
10:35No, but what I didn't mention yet is that Betty's ultimate goal is to kill the leader
10:41she thinks once the fiend is dead the organization will crumble again and
10:46Humanity will finally be free of broccoli's evil influence
10:53Well, thank you so much for encouraging my offspring to go on a murderous rampage
10:59No, trust me dear. She needed no
11:02Encouragement I have more pressing matters to attend to we shall talk later. See you later dear
11:32I
12:02Don't sound like the wind let's greet the intruder with our customary welcome
12:08Gift
12:26You got nothing to fear from old Ben's in little commie it's mr. Shaka and you should be worried about
12:38You
13:01That will teach you to stand in my way you future roast dinner
13:08I
13:19Don't know maybe he's got a cold or something. He looks perfectly fine to me
13:25Something's not adding up here. You don't seem like his usual talkative self
13:31How much is two plus one?
13:34Oh
13:37It is well you keep on being a good boy now, all right
14:04You
14:17Another campaign promise fulfilled by the Barrett administration now, let me get rid of some trash you accumulated in my pockets
14:26All's well that ends well now then back to miss Valentine
14:34I
14:39Believe this is what you were looking for
14:45Finally I
14:47Mean, thanks, Mayor Barrett. You saved me a sore arm and been a hospital visit
14:52Anyway, I'm sure you have something else to do. So I'm gonna leave now
14:56Actually miss Valentine considering the grave importance of this investigation. I feel it would be wise to accompany you
15:04Do you have to yes, let us be off. Oh, man
15:23Looks like the tip I got from that dynamo lady was a good one. Yeah, and I thought he hated me before
15:34I
15:35Better get out of here before Ben. She is hot enough to scramble possum brains out here
15:42Can't wait to get home and crack open a nice cold
15:47Eugene Scruggs banjo
15:49What the hell's going on here?
15:51Somebody called in an anonymous complaint that your trailers in danger of falling off the cliff
15:56What in the fat hell are you talking about?
15:59You can't go back to your trailer Ben, it's a danger to you and everyone else
16:05Danger to my trailer wouldn't hurt a fly
16:09There's a whole bunch of them hanging out inside
16:11Sorry, Ben. My hands are tied. No, they're not I can see him. And what's that paper you put on my door?
16:18It's an eviction notice. Well, I tell a piece of paper is gonna keep me away from my rightful American property
16:27Okay, since you're not going to listen how about now
16:34Mine's bigger Amos. So you just put that little pea shooter back in your dollhouse
16:40That there's my home and I'm fixing to go inside and have a nice cold beer
16:45Now, come on move aside
16:48Ben you can't go back inside your home and that's final
16:57Now it's a beautiful night
16:59Why don't you go enjoy it from the relative safety and comfort of the fill-in station?
17:03You already spend most of your time down there anyway
17:10Miss Valentine should be done with a car by now
17:13All I need to do is lure her out and plant the evidence without anyone noticing
17:18Perhaps these two could serve as a suitable distraction
17:22Miss
17:24Valentine it is so good to see you
17:27What's going on? Why are you being so nice to me?
17:30Does a loving mother need a reason to be nice to her offspring's best friend a loving mother doesn't know
17:41You did not open the trunk did you of course not I mean I did a little but it was just a couple of inches
17:49Why would it matter if I opened it for starters? You could be charged for tampering with evidence
17:55I mean I towed the car here. My prints are all over it. You might need a lawyer miss Valentine and soon
18:02Aren't you a lawyer?
18:04Well, yes, but my specialty is in
18:07koala divorces
18:09Really?
18:12Well, I think I'll wait and see if I actually get in trouble first
18:16You have had a long day, why not? Take a break you're acting really weird mayor Barrett
18:21I've known you my whole life and you've never spent this long talking to me before
18:27Perhaps I have something important to tell you
18:29Really? And what would that be?
18:46My offspring needs your help. I do not know all the details but something involving a blender and one of Roscoe's cows
18:54But isn't she grounded?
18:56Yes, but how do you know?
18:58Cuz Betty's always grounded
19:04You will not believe this but I saw Benjamin outside just a moment ago
19:08I believe he is planning to help himself to more of your property
19:13Seriously twice in one day. Damn it. Hold on a sec
19:34Mr. De Luca and I crossed paths earlier. He seems most eager to speak with you the friggin trash compactor again
19:41I already told him no, damn it
19:44Why are people always begging me to let him use it for stupid reasons?
19:48I have a perverse desire to hear these stupid reasons
19:52Well, I got a million of them de Luca for starters
19:56He says he can't afford to bury some of his deceased family or people like family as he put it
20:03Mike's always begging to use it so he can compact his leftover meat scraps
20:07He's planning some weird new product launch
20:10Protein bars
20:11Sounds stupid. Carrie told me to jump in it the other day, which I thought was weird
20:16and those annoying stripy rat things are always
20:29Anyway tell Marco that I said no if he wants to talk about it. He knows where to find me
20:34I think it is best we change topics
20:37Whatever you say
20:42How are things going with your new landlord, oh, they're going great for him
20:47I'm on the verge of bankruptcy. Thanks to you. This is a valuable lesson in personal responsibility
20:54Miss Valentine, you will read the fine print next time. Will you not?
20:58Yeah, you know what? I got some fine print here, but it's kind of hard to read
21:03You cannot intimidate me with your little tool
21:06Fine, just give me a minute. I'll go grab a bigger one
21:09It would be wiser to use that minute to read the fine fine print of your contract
21:15Fine fine prints nice talking with you. Miss Valentine now if you will, excuse me
21:24That was a particularly forlorn sigh, I'm fine just forget it, okay
21:30Well, then if there is nothing else
21:37This is against my better judgment, but I feel compelled to ask what is the matter?
21:45Look I hate to ask but I need some advice
21:50We both know where this is going
21:53She will share some silly emotional nonsense and ask for my opinion. I am personally of two minds about this
21:59I absolutely do not care about her romantic quandaries and I despise touchy-feely conversations
22:06We also do not have unlimited time. It is hardly a good moment to start a long conversation
22:13However, pretending to care and giving her some advice might just get her to leave
22:18Mayor Barrett. Yoo-hoo. Hello you there
22:22Warning if you choose this option innocent young hearts will be at stake
22:27Are you sure you're ready for the responsibility of giving romantic advice?
22:35Look I knew you were going to say that I suppose I am willing to hear a few more details
22:41It's about John. I know how he feels about me and he wants us to have a future together
22:47But I see that future happening with someone else
22:50So what should I do about it?
22:53Well, that is a complex issue albeit not an uncommon one give me some time to think it over all right, I
23:00Guess don't take too long though. I don't want to be thinking and talking about my feelings all night black
23:12Miss Valentine, I have returned great
23:15Other
23:20Matters require my attention. Goodbye. Miss Valentine. Yep
23:34Miss mayor
23:35How weird to see you here? Why are you whispering?
23:39Shh careful. Miss mayor. Oh, you're disturbed Linda. I'm not supposed to bother
23:45Her until she finishes her shift
23:47Actually, I'm not supposed to bother her after her shift either
23:51For goodness sake go in there and just talk to her
23:55Yeah, you know what? You're right. I'm tired of tiptoeing around
24:01Waiting for her to explode. I'm sick of
24:05Apologizing for just existing. I'm a person damn it and I deserve to be treated with respect
24:12Gemini fixin Christmas slime. Would you please be quiet? Yes, ma'am
24:21Must we really
24:24Had I known robbing the bank would require heart-to-heart talks. I would have said to hell with Jenkins. Let me guess. Mr
24:31Slim problems of the heart. I
24:35Think I might be having feelings for someone else. What should I do? Miss mayor?
24:42I
24:50Do not think I can help I know I can but first there is something you need to know about miss Valentine
24:57You
25:09Why not tell me how you really feel about miss Valentine
25:12Well, I know Linda can be kind of short with people. She's downright mean sometimes
25:19I don't like how she throws wrenches and I don't really like how often she throws them at me
25:24I don't want to drive the tow truck. I don't want to go to Mike's every day
25:29And I'm tired of not being able to kiss my girl in public
25:33Literally everything I do or say seems to be the wrong thing and I'm good and sick of it
25:38Goodness, you have certainly made the picture very clear for me. I
25:42Absolutely know what you should do. Yeah me too. I should stay with her for as long as I can
25:48I'm a wimp. I'm a chicken
25:50And the only things I understand are car engines and hair styling techniques if I don't stick with Linda
25:56I gotta show her how invested I am in our relationship
26:00Linda baby, I gotta ask you something before it's too late
26:04Linda what?
26:07Come on out here, baby. There's something I want to ask you
26:14This better be important fool, you know how busy I am
26:20Oh
26:22Linda Valentine, will you marry me? Oh, this better not be one of Betty's pranks or I swear all right. No, baby
26:29I'm for real. All this is yours forever. Oh
26:37Yeah, okay, I guess
26:39Oh
26:47Linda you've made me the happiest man on earth
26:51Carrie
27:03What's wrong
27:06We just got engaged you're already chasing after other girls, this is sorry, baby
27:14Now that miss Valentine is out of the picture, let us return to less
27:18emotional pursuits hippity-hoppity this is now Laszlo's property and that's how
27:37I brought the Yeti to justice Jack I keep telling you that was just a
27:42tall old man with really long hair the real Yeti is still out there I know it
27:49that's why you'll never get anywhere professionally Amos anyway here we are
27:54pelirroja is the perps car ready for us I have a name you know and I'm sure it's
28:01a beautiful one now let's stop wasting taxpayers money and get that thing open
28:12well well if it isn't the lovely mayor Barrett came to see how unfit Amos is
28:18for his role agent Ortega it has been a really long day just get that accursed
28:24trunk open so we can move on with our lives
28:28yo tenía un perro que se llamaba bingo that's another notch on my belt Jack
28:48people reported seeing three suspects in three different costumes and this is
28:53just the third of what was reported stolen maybe the suspect didn't work
28:57alone Amos it's exactly that sort of thinking that limits you to local law
29:02enforcement clearly Hardy has tricked us with mirrors and costume changes and hit
29:07the rest of the money elsewhere that way even if his car was searched and the
29:11money confiscated he still has a nice stash that seems like kind of a reach
29:16just admit that you're jealous of the famous Jackson Ortega anyway case closed
29:22I win you lose come on let's get some shut-eye before we check out this
29:28alleged secret military base of yours you go ahead and get some sleep I have
29:33to go check on a public safety concern I'd offer to help socio but rescuing
29:38cats from trees is beneath me