Category
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GamingTranscript
00:00a
00:20Favorable win for hunting big game
00:24Yeah, today would be a good day to die
00:30Now itchy I think that stupid chicken suit had fleas
00:40Gotcha
00:41Hey, hey, I don't know who put you up to this, but you better let me go right now
00:47You don't know who you're messing with
00:50Shut up
00:52This will teach you to hunt endangered species. I said, let me go. God damn it
01:00Wait, DeLuca, is that you?
01:03It's me. Oh
01:05friggin hell
01:07Oh
01:31Damn that Betty if I have to spend another night on this couch
01:35Where did she even get a coffin? Oh
01:38Never mind. I can fantasize about punishing her later, but I need to focus
01:43I must speak with Riley and see how I can get Jenkins back
01:57There is no rest for the wicked
02:02The last thing my campaign
02:06I
02:11Leave fire hydrants
02:18Sorry, ma'am, I can't let you through chiefs orders. You should go talk with him though. He's got urgent business to discuss with you
02:27Sorry, ma'am, I can't let you through you should go talk with him though. He's got urgent bid
02:36Good
02:41Morning gentlemen and Michael
02:45Pleasure to see you. Isn't this a fine morning?
02:50Yeah, it is
02:51Hey Eliza, why don't you leave before you ruin it? Come on, mr. Walker. This is no way to talk to a syndicate
02:59Mr. Cooper you are as gentlemanly as you are skilled at your profession
03:04Hmm Michael, I suppose I could say the same about you
03:11In your professional opinion, mr. Cooper, is this the worst case of lice you have ever seen?
03:17Hey, Eliza, don't you have a house to haunt or something?
03:22Apologies syndicate, but this requires more work than I expected. I must focus
03:27Mr. Walker, excuse me, please. Stop moving. You don't want to lose an ear
03:31Do ya if that happens, please keep it. Otherwise, he might make it into soup
03:46So, what would you like mr. Walker pop it off high and tight a nice cool odonitra I'll be happy with
04:01a
04:08Good morning. It's a terrible morning. Has nobody told you told me what? Oh
04:17Boy I really didn't want to be the one to say it to you, but there was an incident last night
04:23Someone robbed the bank
04:25What?
04:26No
04:28Which reminds me
04:30Where were you last night?
04:32Last night, how could I be expected to remember?
04:36Do you have any idea how much I am responsible for in a single day?
04:40I must make empty promises kiss some babies smear my opponent
04:45Yes
04:46And if you can tell me all that you can tell me where you were last night if you must know I spent the whole night
04:52At town hall doing paperwork. Oh
04:55Yeah
04:56That's funny because I have several eyewitness reports to the contrary
05:01You were seen all over town last night
05:04Including by the bank. Is there a point you are planning to arrive at Amos? Oh, I'm just tying up loose ends
05:12That's all I'm afraid you'll have to remain within town borders until I conclude my investigation though
05:18I am the mayor you dimwit. Where else would you expect me to go?
05:23Anyway, have you actually made any progress with the case or are you just tossing out baseless accusations willy-nilly?
05:30Hoping one will stick. You see the fellow at my desk. That's my brother-in-law special agent Ortega of the FBI
05:38We're questioning our first suspect. We caught him red-handed at the bank when the alarm went off
05:44Great case closed. Nice job gentlemen. Hold on Eliza. It's not that simple
05:51We're not putting anyone away without hard evidence and a confession
05:55Something tells me we'll find all the evidence we need once we search his vehicle
06:00This should be interesting. I look forward to watching you work. You ready to confess Hardy? I
06:07Already told you I got nothing to confess
06:11Okay, I'll give you ten fingers to start talking
06:15fingers
06:17Don't you mean seconds?
06:19Do you really want to find out?
06:22Jack take five and introduce yourself to the mayor properly. Would you hello mayor Barrett? I'm special agent Jackson Ortega
06:30No autograph. Sorry. I need to keep my hands free for cracking open this
06:36pinata
06:37When you have finished with that, I would like a word about some suspicious military activity when I crack this case and please notice
06:44I said when not if
06:46I'll try to make myself available to discuss that
06:50Will that make you happy?
06:52Yes, that will do agent Ortega looking forward to it
06:56likewise
06:57Now, where were we? Ah, see you were about to confess
07:07In all these years I have never seen you so tense Amos
07:11Didn't you hear about his wedding night? How could anyone ever forget the Benjamin Glorious witcheroo guys?
07:18Come on, we all swore to never talk about that again
07:23You sure did I on the other hand
07:32I really hope you know what you are doing agent Ortega if mr
07:36Hardy here was indicted for grand larceny. He could be locked up for six to ten years
07:41I could oh my god, but with my help he will get 20 to life
07:48No, you can't do this to me
07:52Sheriff help, but you know, this is wrong. Are you really gonna let this happen?
07:57Mmm. Yeah, Liza a federal investigation is outside your jurisdiction
08:02Alcaldesa look I appreciate the enthusiasm and I'm sure you do a bang-up job
08:09But why don't you just have a seat next to Amos and enjoy the show
08:16Apologies alcaldesa, but I'm very busy with mr. Hardy right now come back when I'm finished with him
08:23You
08:37Help me help you mr. Hardy
08:40Confess now and I'll put in a good word for you with the district attorney
08:45I've already told you a million times. I had nothing to do with the bank robbery
08:50Okay, so this is how it's gonna be
09:00Easy Jack
09:02Shut up Amos. I gave him a chance and he spat in my face
09:08So you wanna do this the hard way a Hardy? No
09:19Okay
09:29The hard way it is here we go
09:39All right start at the beginning
09:42What were you doing last night?
09:45Drowning my sorrows and whiskey at the tiki bar
09:48It checks out check max at the Hawaiian bar confirmed he was there for several hours prior to the robbery I see
10:00Trying to build up the courage to commit a felony
10:03No, I was just sad. I've never even been in that bank. My biggest crime is some unpaid parking tickets
10:12Aha
10:13See a moss this pinata is starting to crack
10:24Go easy on him Jack all we have right now is circumstantial evidence
10:29That's not enough to convict him. You know, what should be enough to convict someone
10:34Marrying my sister. Come on Jack not in front of the perp
10:43What
10:48Happened to innocent until proven guilty shut up. You want to make things worse? No, sir
11:03Tell us what you were doing at the bank don't answer that. Mr. Hardy
11:08Now what were you doing at the scene of the crime you scumbag?
11:13Look I had too much to drink. I admit that
11:17It's just that when I saw my Confederators model safeguarding the bank. I got so mad that I punched it you punched an alarm
11:27Yeah a few times actually
11:36What no, I just wanted to hit something that's conjecture you can't just
11:44I
11:55Gotta tell you a scoria. This is starting to look really bad for you
12:00Almost as bad as I was not taking me along on his honeymoon trip
12:03Check not the time. Can you focus on the suspect, please? I
12:09Can do both. Did you forget? I'm Jackson. God damn Ortega
12:14I
12:15Insist that I be permitted to interrogate him not trying to be rude Senora, but you've underestimated
12:21Just how twisted this sicko is
12:24Don't let his unassuming demeanor and low stature fool you. Hey, I'm taller than you
12:30See that alcaldesa no respect for authority none at all
12:34Mr. Hardy an itinerant carpet salesman also known as my get-out-of-jail-free card
12:43Look agent Ortega, it is plain to see that you have run out of ideas
12:47Let me take care of this
12:49Alcaldesa with all due respect that's not happening
12:53My boss would have my head on a silver platter if he found out I let a civilian lead the interrogation
12:59I'm not going to let him get away with it
13:01If he found out I let a civilian lead the interrogation
13:04Who Edgar it should only take me a moment to clear this up
13:09Really? You have to get the director involved
13:14Fine Senora have it your way
13:17Jack are you serious right now?
13:19Sure as hell I am either this makes for a fine spectacle or she'll unnerve that wave on with her constant pestering
13:27Either way, I see this as a win-win
13:31Very well, mr. Hardy here are my terms you will talk or I will break you
13:37Which will it be I can't allow you to do that Senora. Oh, thank God you finally see reason
13:44You'll absolutely ruin your suit. I have a nice stainless steel bat in my suitcase that should give you plenty of clearance
13:52Cut it out you two
13:54Eliza, would you please take this seriously?
14:01You
14:08Do not underestimate me, mr. Hardy before I entered politics I was a notoriously hard-nosed trial lawyer
14:16Look, miss mayor if you're a lawyer, maybe you could at least give me some advice
14:21What are my rights? Can I call my mom or get a drink? And can I go to the bathroom, please?
14:29Wait just a moment. No one read you your rights
14:35So, let me just make sure I have all the facts you were arrested and not read your rights and these gentlemen have
14:42Deliberately not answered your queries
14:45Yes, and they won't let me go to the bath my Aaron Burr's dueling skills if this happened to you
14:51It may have happened to others. Are you thinking what I am thinking? Mr. Hardy?
14:57Honestly, all I can think about right now is how bad I have to exactly a class-action lawsuit
15:02I can already see the headline the trial of the century
15:08Think you've forgotten something
15:11What do you oh, oh, yes, of course. I seem to have gotten carried away
15:15Mr. Hardy, not only will I not be representing you. I may sue you myself for attempted fraud
15:27You
15:34Mr. Hardy, I imagine your occupation leads to frequent traveling
15:38Well, I wouldn't be much of a traveling salesman if I didn't but even the most dedicated worker needs a vacation now and then
15:45I shall offer you a deal that will be good for both of us. Mr. Hardy
15:50You confess and we will send you on a taxpayer-sponsored vacation. Oh
15:55Really
15:56So what's the catch?
15:59There is no catch as I said, this is a mutually beneficial compromise
16:04We get what we need and you spend a while relaxing and working on yourself free of all outside
16:11worries and cares
16:12Wow, this sounds exactly like what I've been looking for
16:16What's the name of the resort?
16:18Alcatraz
16:21Resort and spa
16:25You
16:31Mr. Hardy this is your moment. The time has come for you to prove your loyalty to America as a true American
16:38Your belief in our justice system must be unshakable, correct?
16:41Of course it is. I trust the system. I believe in this country then admit to the robbery and let justice prevail at your trial
16:50Okay. Look, I don't trust the system that much
16:53That is it I refuse to say one more word until my lawyer gets here. Oh, is that a fact?
17:04Eliza why don't you go take care of your other duties? I think what happens next needs that
17:11professional touch
17:13Exactly, but don't worry Amos. You can stay anyway
17:24Oh feel like having a conversation talk to my lawyer
17:31Tough not to crack but I'll find something I always do
17:39Confess now before one of your accomplices does
17:43Accomplices. What are you talking about?
17:45Witness saw a cheerleader a giant chicken and the deposed Queen of Hawaii at the scene of the crime
17:53friends of yours
17:55Wait, Jack. He wasn't wearing a costume when I brought him in
17:59Now you see I'm innocent
18:03You probably got distracted by the abominable can go to the las nieves or a blood-seeking chinchilla
18:08Giving this creep plenty of time to ditch the costume. Well, that's not
18:14Which one were you I wonder my money's on you being the cheerleader
18:23Oh
18:34Okay, we've on let's quit the chatter and get right to it what'd you do with the money I don't have any money
18:41If I had money I would have left this horrible place already. I
18:45Searched his wallet when I brought him in. He didn't have much tag. The wallet is evidence
18:51Hey, he got any change in there talking to this piece of crap is making me thirsty
18:56Hey, that's my money. You see what I mean? This is how the criminal mind works
19:02He stole that money. So in his mind he owns it
19:06the nerve
19:08Face it Jack. We're gonna need more than $2 to make a grand larceny charge stick
19:21Would you look at the time it appears to be frame a scapegoat o'clock
19:25Do not worry as soon as father Jenkins is safe. I will have mr. Hardy cleared of all charges
19:32Hmm finding his car would be a good start
19:50I
19:58Well, well if it isn't miss welcome to the safest town in America, what do you have to say about this, huh?
20:04What happened here mrs. Roberts?
20:07Don't you have eyes someone broke into my shop last night? Oh, please. This is barely a break-in
20:14You can easily recover from this and the town will support you every step of the way
20:19In fact, I shall send my offspring over to assist you as soon as I can
20:24Betty holding a hammer. There's got to be at least five state laws prevented that from happening
20:29I am working on it. But in the meantime, it doesn't matter. Miss Barrett
20:33I just want to move and start over somewhere else and how pray tell are you going to do that?
20:40You put all your money into the shop last I heard. Oh
20:43Money's not a problem. I'm loaded now
20:46Pardon
20:47Let's say my sore fits certain very influential businessmen expansion plans. I am happy for you. Mrs
20:54Roberts, but is there no way to convince you to stay until the election at least?
21:00If there's one thing I'll miss from this town, it's your sense of humor
21:08Mrs. Roberts one last thing if I may as long as you're not gonna try and convince me to stay
21:16The hand of a renowned lawman was used to break into your fine establishment
21:21Ironic, is it not you making fun of me?
21:24No, not at all. It is just such a strange thing to have occurred
21:29I mean what kind of sick person steals two old costumes?
21:34Yeah, the chicken and the chili. Wait, how do you know they took those two?
21:38It is my duty as mayor to know what is happening. We're playing innocent. It's pretty obvious what happened here
21:43I have no idea what you are talking about
21:46This was Betty and Linda's handiwork and you're trying to cover for them. Well what I mean, yes
21:53You caught me mrs. Roberts. I cannot believe you saw right through my lies
22:01Abandoned the road is not the end of the road mrs. Roberts
22:06You want to talk about bins in the road wait until you hear how I lost my nightclub
22:11It was beautiful it would have been the best nightclub in all of Chicago
22:16It would have been if the mob didn't kick in my door the very day of the grand opening
22:20Oh, well, at least they gave me a fair deal in exchange for the deed. What kind of deal?
22:26You ever heard of the Sicilian bargain? Ah
22:29Yes gun in one hand mystery box in the other take your pick
22:35Exactly lucky me. There was a Twinkie in there and it had a platinum ticket inside
22:41Wait, are you telling me that you inherited Twilly Twonka's Empire?
22:46What no, I choked on the ticket and sued the company
22:52What does your husband think about leaving town
22:55Clifford and I are
22:57Not exactly on good terms. He went on a journey of self-discovery and just never came back. Can you believe it?
23:04Nothing a good divorce lawyer cannot fix. I am sure
23:09Are you really sure you want to leave why do you care so much we've only lived here for a few months
23:16But I'm sure in that time you made plenty of good memories. I know your children loved having my offspring as their babysitter
23:24Remember when Betty took them on a scavenger hunt they spent weeks in the forest just having fun
23:30They spent three weeks in the forest because Betty got them hopelessly lost. Oh
23:35And remember my son Timmy. Oh, yes, dear Timmy. How is he doing? Not?
23:41Well, actually they ran out of food and your daughter had they drew straws to see who had to go into the cave and Timmy
23:47He drew the shortest straw. I don't know what those bears did to him, but he hasn't been the same since oh
23:54Um, well, whatever does not kill us makes us stronger
23:58What about that time Betty used your chicken costume to surprise the kids?
24:02yeah after making them sit through a marathon of cock-a-doodle-death movies and
24:06Then she bursts into the house at four in the morning screaming cluck cluck mother cluckers
24:11My children are terrified of chickens now. I can't even serve it for dinner
24:16Mrs. Roberts, you will be missed. I like to say the same as mayor, but I certainly won't miss that daughter of yours
24:24And
24:43Remind me again why I should take orders from you Betty
24:47Mom has a wrist injury from juggling with circus bears and put me in charge
24:51Why would she do something that idiotic?
24:54How should I know? I don't understand politics or bears
24:58Now move that permit a little more to the right
25:08What are you doing I said left you said right god damn it
25:14No, no, it looked better to the right
25:17I
25:19Happy now, how could I be? I can barely read it in this dim office
25:24Move it somewhere else. So the Sun hits it. I think it's about time. I called your mom
25:30You seem like you got a few more screws loose than usual
25:35Go ahead lucky for you. She already has a coffin you can use what the hell are you talking about now?
25:42Cuz that will be your funeral duh, don't you remember what happened last time you called her at home when she was out sick
25:49And now that you mention it that permit definitely needs to go in the Sun
25:55Does this meet with your approval now? Miss Anderson? I suppose you can't make a silk purse out of a pig's ear
26:02Okay. Next on my list is
26:05Me shooting you in the head and hiding the body before your mom comes back. No silly. It's the eagle
26:12Oh
26:19What the hell is wrong with the eagle it's not shiny enough
26:24Not shiny enough. I waxed it three times last week
26:28Well, you'll have to do better. It only scored a four on the Betty scale of glossiness
26:33Betty scale of glossiness
26:36Come on you made that up call professor totally not made up at New Fresno University if you don't believe me
26:43Yeah, it sounds fake. Also boring. I think I'll pass
26:48How about I just do the stupid tasks and then you leave me alone
26:53Well, then what are you waiting for?
26:55Oh
26:59They're shiny enough now you
27:04gross
27:06Also, yes much shinier. It's at least a six on the glossiness scale now
27:11All right time to clean the picture of that old ugly guy. That's president Harry s Truman
27:16You got no respect at all. Do you how was I supposed to know? That's a picture of Truman. It's filthy
27:23Filthy the photo so clean. I can literally see my reflection in the glass
27:34Hey there handsome
27:37Stop being gross and just clean the photo. Did you forget what happened last time you disobeyed her orders?
27:43Ooh
27:45Being a human chess pawn was definitely not my idea of fun
27:50But that picture is your mom's prized possession kid. No one's allowed to touch it except for her
27:57Queen's pawn to d4 you little
28:02And hurry up the rug needs shampoo and conditioner the drapes aren't draping and this desk has too many corners
28:09Do you do anything around here Bucky?
28:13What the hell do you think I use smart mouth piece of
28:20You know what the heck with this crap you want things cleaned kid
28:25Well grab a broom cuz I'm done. You can't do that. Mom would be so
28:32Mad at you. What do you think? She would say if she walked in right now
28:36By
28:38Dolly Madison's burning curtains, what the hell are you two doing in my office?
28:44Exactly. Wait. Oh
28:49Hi mom, I was just warming up your chair for you. Well, I guess I'd better be on my way. Bye guys
28:56Actually, I believe you will be staying for a bit longer. You really messed up this time and you Joseph shame on you
29:03You should know better than to let yourself be ordered around by her of all people
29:08Yeah, Bucky, how could you be quiet Elizabeth from the state of poor dear Harry's photo?
29:14I can only assume the two of you defiled it
29:18Joseph you of all people should have known not to touch it, but she threatened me with human chess
29:23What was I supposed to do if human chess scares you wait until you play my newest invention
29:30It's called World War 2 the human board game you shall be playing as Japan
29:38Both of you get out of my office immediately. I have had enough of this nonsense. Am I grounded again?
29:45No, in fact since you have taken such an interest in keeping my office clean
29:51I shall have you come to town hall and assist Joseph instead
29:55every day for a month
30:01Yeah, who are you trying to punish here anyway both of you of course now get out
30:12There there mr. President do not worry
30:15This is nothing a little glass cleaner cannot fix your eyes will soon shine again like they used to
30:30It will be safer here out of your reach
30:36Touch it and they will be calling you lefty leave the book a lot nothing is
30:45Chuck is exactly where he wants to be
30:47That
31:00Painting has been on that wall for generations. Let us keep it that way shall we I
31:07Have nothing to say to the townspeople at the moment, so just keep it shut
31:18I
31:25Miss Mayer, are you? All right this robbery happening so close to the election can't be good for your campaign
31:31I I mean miss Mayer. What could I do for you this fine morning?
31:40Let us take this chance to get to know each other better mr. Payton sure thing
31:45Do you have any family in town
31:49No, not really mine pie back in my hometown and about all I got mr. Payton
31:56I have just had the most wonderful notion. I think your parents should move here with us right away
32:02Whoa, whoa slow down move here with us
32:06I know it is quite sudden, but it is the right thing to do
32:10All is left to do is sign the documents to make it official
32:14Make it official. Are you asking me what I think you're asking me, of course
32:19So, what do you say? Mr. Payton? Yes, I do. I do
32:25You do what?
32:27Accept your proposal
32:29When are we getting married? Oh, I believe we have had a misunderstanding
32:34I am merely attempting to solicit as many votes as possible
32:39It was at this moment Wilberforce Payton Milhouse the third knew he messed up. Oh
32:45Dear, I seem to have broken his heart
32:48Well, I suppose I should give him some time to recover
32:57Wilberforce Payton Milhouse, what kind of a name is that? Someone in casting hates me. I
33:04I
33:06Can't believe I took this role of the one in Passione de Fandangos 2 from the grave to the altar
33:11I would have looked amazing in that wedding dress
33:17It's so unfair
33:19This was supposed to be a leading role with at least 200 scenes, but they cut it down to four
33:25I'm basically an extra now. I should have seen it coming when the director told me we were going in an exciting new direction
33:33The firefighting scene was gonna make my career
33:37I underwent six months of grueling firefighter training, which I had to pay for myself and all of it
33:44Every chance I had to become an action hero was just it was just cut
33:49wasted gone I
33:53Was a legend I was mr. October goddammit, how dare they treat me like this? I
33:59I
34:01Guess it could be worse a friend
34:06Who I'm kidding, how about they spend more money on that prop than writing lines for me
34:29You
34:45What in the name of Truman are you still doing here
34:49Why don't you tell me you called the freaking FBI? I should have known a despicable scoundrel like you would never keep his word
34:58Look miss mayor
34:59We could sit here all day complimenting each other or you could help me figure out how to get the FBI off our backs
35:07What's it gonna be?
35:09Wonderful another situation where I do all the work while you sit here and drink. Oh
35:17That wasn't rhetorical
35:22Leave the children be I've had enough backtalk for one day
35:27Mr. Riley a word. Oh god. What is it now?
35:37Before the heist Harrelson asked me for a particular model of rifle
35:41Let me guess an M1 Garand. It was his old man's favorite gun
35:47Really? Hmm. I would not expect him to be so sentimental
35:51Yeah, well
35:53Harrelson's dad died when he was pretty young. I guess this is a way for him to feel like his old man's looking out for him
36:00You know
36:01Considering his lifestyle. I expect he may be reunited with his father soon enough
36:06That's something we all look forward to with pride and anticipation
36:11Like the Knights of Ages past on their charging coursers
36:14So to do bikers meet their fates atop mighty steeds
36:18The second one of our comrades and wheels parks at that great biker bar in the 8th circle
36:23His fallen allies and legendary bikers alike will be there to welcome him with open arms and plenty of beer
36:31Anyways, it's every bikers last reward and honor to join their fallen brethren in hell
36:36lucky bastards
36:38Indeed for their sake. I hope they have something a bit breezier to wear down there than their leathers
36:45How did Harrelson's father pass by the way believe it or not, he was tortured to death by killer clowns a
36:52Rival gang how expected? Oh, it's not another biker gang
36:58They were part of a traveling circus Harrelson's dad got drunk and started antagonizing them
37:03What kind of tough biker cannot handle a few sickly circus clowns?
37:08They were part of the Austrian bodybuilders with short tempers traveling the world
37:12Of all the traveling circuses in the world. He had to start a drunken brawl with that one. Oh
37:18It was brutal. You should have read the autopsy report
37:23Cuts bruises a bloody nose that squeaked an infinite number of handkerchiefs coming out of his throat
37:30And a balloon animal shaped like a caribou shoved in his ah
37:35Yes, the Vienna sausage maneuver. I am quite aware. No need for any further explanation
37:41I am quite aware. No need for further details
37:46Are all robberies supposed to go like that or was ours a special case, of course, it was a special case
37:53I've never stolen anything alongside a politician
37:57Spare me your attempts at levity and answer my question
38:01This crime was bizarre even by my standards, but still not the weirdest one
38:06I've seen do you always wear silly costumes and smash down doors during your heists?
38:12Yeah, that's my trademark
38:14Sorry about the mess, by the way, those doors looked expensive
38:19But I'm sure they're not something a rich woman like yourself can't afford to replace
38:24I am NOT paying for that out-of-pocket you nitwit
38:28Taxes will cover the cost once I approve that 12% hike a 12% hike for a couple of lousy doors
38:35And they call me a thief. I
38:41Am still surprised that your plan worked this ain't my first rodeo
38:45I've pulled plenty of jobs in my life, but I'm particularly proud of for well now five
38:52Want to hear about my first heist?
38:55Maybe you should not tell me I would hate to have to use that information against you in trial
39:00I
39:01Like your sense of humor miss mayor, but I love this one story so much that I'll tell you anyway
39:07I was six years old when my parents moved to Hoboken. I was a sad kid playing alone when I met Elijah
39:15We were best friends for seven years
39:17He taught me everything he knew we played together and laughed together sat next to each other in school
39:24His parents knew I didn't really have anyone so they kind of adopted me
39:29For the first time in my life. I felt like I belonged somewhere like I was cared for
39:35Can we jump to the part where you screwed them over?
39:38spoil sport fine long story short
39:41I stole all the gifts from Elijah's bar mitzvah hopped a passing train and never looked back
39:49That was not a job so much as a cruel and heartless prank from a nasty little brat
39:55Prank that was a carefully planned and executed long con you want to hear the best part. I'm not even Jewish
40:06Any other criminal triumphs you want to tell me about oh
40:10I don't know if I would use the word triumph, but it was a solid con
40:14I just offered to sit for people's bar exams. There is no way you could ever convince anyone you are a lawyer
40:22Are you kidding?
40:23it's the easiest thing in the world a clean shave a briefcase and a suit had a little of my criminal Genesee qua and
40:32boom
40:33instant lawyer
40:34Undermining the legal system by helping unqualified people pass the bar even for you that is low
40:41Pass are you kidding all I know about the law is how to get around it
40:46If you pay someone to take an exam for you, and you pay them up front
40:50You're probably too dumb to be a lawyer. I find your statement in actions reprehensible
40:56dishonest shady selfish heartless
41:00underhanded execrable disingenuous and
41:03Disgusting perhaps you would make a good lawyer after all
41:09Which of your crimes would surprise me the most you think
41:12Well I could tell you about my first attempt at being a gentleman thief
41:17Really, what was your crime?
41:19Yachting while intoxicated
41:21No, I just robbed a liquor store in a monocle and a top hat by Rutherford B
41:27Hayes unforeseen presidency that was not what I was expecting at all
41:34What is the heist you are most proud of oh
41:37Even you are gonna have to give it to me after this one
41:41Okay, so I'd heard about this famous French chef Michel Marcheuse
41:45Hmm. I could not think why but that name sounds oddly familiar
41:50Yeah, you probably read about her in the paper or something
41:54Anyway, she had developed some kind of innovative culinary technique that the French just loved
42:00People were willing to pay a lot for the experience the waiting list was months long
42:05Now not only did I learn French for this one, but I also seduced a health inspector to acquire his uniform
42:13Excuse me what?
42:16France is a very romantic place. You know I suppose I cannot argue with that
42:22Anyways, I put on his uniform locked him in the apartment and marched down to that restaurant
42:27I walked in and started pointing out violations left and right they were horrified
42:33Between the bribe money and the cash box I snagged on my way out. That was a lucrative day
42:41What happened to the health inspector, I don't know he never called me back
42:46Modest what these young Pierre I grow tired of this conversation
42:51That makes two of us
42:53Before I go I need something else from you. Do you see those children over there?
42:58Yeah, what about them?
43:00Not only are they currently without homes or families, but one of them is very ill
43:05It seems she will not survive and the children desperately need some priestly comfort
43:10Could you try to bring them some peace during this difficult time?
43:13Well, I guess
43:16Since they're having a hard time. I could try to make them feel better
43:20I thought you were just a selfish avaricious crook, but you have shown me that deep down
43:26Hey, you didn't let me finish I could try to make them feel better for a price
43:33What kind of monster tries to make money off a bunch of homeless children? Oh
43:37That reminds me cash only you politicians have a reputation for dishonesty, you know, I gotta be careful
43:51I have socialized enough for one day