Have I Got News for You S68 E01

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Have I Got News for You S68 E01

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Transcript
00:00I will say at this point, I'm glad to be here,
00:02but this week, I really need to be.
00:04APPLAUSE
00:10There was one high point when a policeman investigating me said,
00:14this may be a silly question, but is there anyone who might have
00:16a grudge against you?
00:20I have an alibi.
00:30This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:33APPLAUSE
00:59Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
01:02I'm Kevin Bridges.
01:03In the news this week, in London, three men about town meet up
01:07with their blind dates for the evening.
01:18At the Tory party conference in Birmingham,
01:20Rishi Sunak announces he is staying on as leader.
01:28And at the headquarters of SpaceX in California,
01:31secret footage emerges of Elon Musk preparing for his latest launch.
01:45On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:48who is currently writing a book about the nature of genius.
01:51No pressure, but it better not be shite.
01:54Please welcome Helen Lewis.
01:56APPLAUSE
02:01On Paul's team is a comedian who describes her school days
02:04at an all-girls' school in Kent as if Enid Blyton wrote Skins.
02:08So please welcome the star of Five Get Trapped In A K-Hole,
02:12it's Chloe Petty.
02:14APPLAUSE
02:20We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:23Ian and Helen, take a look at this.
02:26Finally, a scandal-free government.
02:29Oh, things can only get bitter.
02:32Just a change, change of shirt, change of suit.
02:35This is surely about the shortest honeymoon
02:37since that one Britney Spears had.
02:39Yes.
02:40Immediately, Keir Starmer gets in and lots of people have said,
02:43you shouldn't take these freebies, you're going to get into trouble,
02:46but, you know, he's a lawyer.
02:48He doesn't listen.
02:49You can't really spend years attacking the Tories for sleaze
02:52and then the first thing that happens is one of your major donors
02:55is giving you all this stuff for free.
02:57And it's just... It's glasses.
02:59And you think, don't walk straight into it.
03:02He should have gone to Specsavers, is what you're saying.
03:05I mean, just like the previous Labour government,
03:07if you remember the Blair government,
03:09ran straight into Bernie Eccleston,
03:11major donor, giving them a load of money and changing policy.
03:14And it's, at worst, disappointing and, B, it's just...
03:17It's the same again.
03:19Well... Big response from the audience.
03:23It's not popular, but it is what's happening.
03:26Problems mounting up for Keir Starmer.
03:28Would anybody like to play a game?
03:30Yeah, what's the game?
03:31It's called Fears For Keir.
03:33Well, now I've heard what it's called, I don't want to play it.
03:36Let's see if I can sell you on the game.
03:38It's a randomiser, it's going to stop on a picture
03:40and I want you all to tell me who it is and why they are a fear for Keir.
03:44OK, fine. Here's your first one.
03:46Can I just check the words that you're saying?
03:48Fear for Keir. Fear for Keir.
03:50Fear for Keir. Ah!
03:52Fear for Keir. Feels for Keir.
03:54We were all going to be blindfolded and you were going to bring someone in
03:57and we had to work out a fear for Keir Starmer.
04:00Somebody's thrown me under the bus here with these pronunciations.
04:04OK, here's your first picture.
04:11Well, that's Lord Ali, who's a major donor to the Labour Party.
04:15He gave them £500,000 and he's doing it for nothing.
04:19He doesn't want anything in return.
04:21Well, he did get to have a pass, didn't he, to Downing Street
04:24during the transition period, which they then took away from him,
04:26which he was never really explained what he was there for,
04:28apart from just sort of vibing.
04:30I can only imagine a bit like he's sort of Bez in the Happy Mondays
04:32and he's just sort of there just to kind of keep the energy up.
04:35Yeah, that's how I see him.
04:40That is Lord Asos, I mean, Lord Ali,
04:43who has paid for £32,000 worth of goodies,
04:46including clothes and glasses, for Starmer, what do we think?
04:50That is actually a Stone Island polo shirt.
04:54That is how confident he is he's going to get Oasis tickets.
04:59Money well spent.
05:00Well, he's given back the money for the Taylor Swift concert.
05:04He's paid back £6,000 worth of tickets.
05:08It's just odd that he didn't see that this was going to be a problem.
05:11It makes you think maybe he's not very good at politics.
05:14And the idea that you're saying,
05:16I'm going to give back the donations, well, some of them,
05:19well, a few of them, well, OK, those ones,
05:23it's not exactly saying, yep, you're right,
05:26let's be clean and transparent.
05:28I personally have a theory on why he gave the Taylor Swift tickets back
05:32and it's because, I'm not sure if you guys have noticed this,
05:35Taylor Swift and Theresa May dance in exactly the same way.
05:39Like haunted marionettes.
05:42And I think he gave them back because he didn't want to get
05:45trauma flashbacks if he went to the Swifty concert.
05:47He'd be handed a friendship bracelet that just said,
05:50Brexit means Brexit.
05:52OK, what was Keel's excuse for accepting £20,000 worth
05:56of free accommodation?
05:58It's really nice.
06:01You said it was for his son to take GCSEs.
06:03That's correct.
06:04He defended his family staying at Lord Ali's flat so that his son
06:07could revise in peace for his GCSEs, adding,
06:10it's your one chance in life.
06:15A bit unfair on the retake market.
06:18And if he screwed up his exams, he could always learn a trade,
06:21something humble.
06:22I don't know, a humble toolmaker?
06:26What about his defence for taking free football tickets?
06:29This is the executive box, isn't it?
06:31Because if he sits on the stands, it might be a security issue.
06:34Yep.
06:35He said he can't take his security detail into the stands,
06:38so if I don't accept a gift of hospitality, I can't go to a game.
06:42Don't go then, you're a dick.
06:47What historic event did Keel get a free ticket to?
06:50Was it the Battle of Hastings?
06:52The Euros?
06:53Correct.
06:54The Euro final, Spain versus England.
06:56A memorable evening for everybody in Glasgow.
07:04Here's Keel enjoying a chat during the game.
07:10You can fucking watch some.
07:14Time for another Fear For Keel.
07:21There we go, a pensioner giving him the wanker sign with Andy Black.
07:25Do you know what this is in relation to?
07:27Yes.
07:28This must be the winter fuel payment being taken away
07:30from richer pensioners.
07:31Yes, this is the winter fuel payment to be cut,
07:33mainly because it means your parents are going to have to come and stay.
07:38Everybody is angry.
07:39Check out this Daily Telegraph headline.
07:43Jeremy Corbyn was right.
07:46That's like the sign of the apocalypse.
07:49Was anybody able to articulate a defence of the policy?
07:53Older pensioners, you know, I won't be there for a very long time,
07:57and it might be thought that they don't really need this
08:00and perhaps they shouldn't have it.
08:02I think that's the argument.
08:03I don't buy it, obviously.
08:05I claim every penny.
08:08Should we see a Labour delegate put it a bit more coherently?
08:11Yes.
08:12Are you worried about the optics of all the various donations,
08:16given the fact that you're having to make that choice,
08:19or the Chancellor says Labour has had to make that choice
08:22to take away the winter fuel allowance from a lot of pensioners?
08:39Sorry, could you repeat the question?
08:42APPLAUSE
08:49It was a really miserable conference for Labour.
08:53But who tried to lighten the mood?
08:55Absolutely no-one, as far as I can remember.
08:58We had Rachel Reeves having been doom and gloom all summer.
09:01The Times revealed that she would shift the tone
09:03to offer a more positive vision.
09:05Here she is, trying to offer that positive vision.
09:11There's a touch of Wallace and Gromit going on there, isn't there?
09:17How did Keir himself accidentally lighten the mood?
09:20Sausages instead of hostages.
09:22So good.
09:24I did feel for him because he gave a very long speech
09:26and I thought, no-one will remember anything about that
09:28apart from he said, we're going to bring the sausages home.
09:31I think what happened there is sometimes when I come on the television,
09:34my mates will be like, can you get the word unicycling?
09:38Which you've just done.
09:40Don't enjoy me a tenner, mate.
09:42Unicycle, I'll have a tenner as well.
09:46I think what's happened here is his mate, Labour peer Waheed Ali,
09:50has gone, if you say sausages in your next speech,
09:53I'll give you £16,000.
09:57And he knew that hostages was coming up and he saw an opportunity.
10:01That's what I think has happened.
10:03Robock placement effectively seems plausible.
10:08Can I just say that the night Keir did that,
10:11I was doing an event with John McCarthy,
10:14who actually had been a hostage in Lebanon,
10:17and I thought, oh, no, this is really bad taste.
10:21I don't know what's going to happen.
10:23John McCarthy stood up and said, as a former sausage...
10:34Shall we have a look at the clip?
10:36I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
10:39The return of the sausages.
10:47Is this any connection with Liz Truss opening up new pork markets?
10:53That is a disgrace. Yes.
10:58It's contradictory policies, though, because if the sausages get returned,
11:01we've got no fuel to sort of cook them on.
11:06What are you writing down?
11:08Are you going to do that joke again, but better?
11:12No, actually, it's nothing to do with you.
11:14I'm just writing a book.
11:18Final fear for Keir. Let's take a look.
11:20Who have we got left?
11:24Angela Rayner. Do we get points for this?
11:27No, we don't. How long have you been doing this show?
11:30About 20 minutes.
11:32Yep, that is Angela Rayner.
11:34Considering they keep telling us there's no money,
11:36Labour can't stop splashing the cash.
11:38What has Angela Rayner spent £68,000 of taxpayer money on?
11:42Oh, this is a private photographer.
11:44A vanity photographer.
11:46Have you seen what she's been photographed doing so far?
11:51For 68 grand, you would get a photographer
11:54who could remove his own fingers from the picture.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:04Who will be happy about Angela Rayner's vanity photographer?
12:08She will be, presumably.
12:10Former Tory MP Jake Berry, here he is, talking about Angela Rayner.
12:14I actually think Angela Rayner is a very, very attractive woman.
12:17I used to have a picture of her pinned up.
12:19I had a picture of her, there was a book launch,
12:21and I pinched the poster on the way out...
12:23Your wife knows this, by the way?
12:25Yeah, my wife does. I pinched the poster on the way out
12:27and I had it pinned up in my office.
12:29This was when I was Conservative MP.
12:34Sharing a split screen with Jeremy Kyle
12:37and you still come across as the creepiest afterbirth.
12:41But he's done quite well considering, according to that caption,
12:44he was a form of chair.
12:46LAUGHTER
12:52This is the end of Keir Starmer's honeymoon period.
12:55Just three months in, a majority of voters already think
12:58Labour will lose the next election.
13:00Put it this way, there are cruise ships in Belfast
13:02that have got off to a better start.
13:07Keir Starmer received tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.
13:10How times have changed at Westminster.
13:12In Boris's day, a Swiftie was when you impregnate a member of staff.
13:23Before your wife gets home.
13:28He did write a hysterical column in the Mail
13:31accusing Keir Starmer of being sleazy.
13:36Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
13:38Sorry, I looked at the wrong mate.
13:40Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
13:48What, are you going to do something? No, no, no.
13:52Paul and Chloe. Yeah.
13:54We're still here. Take a look at that.
13:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
14:02Has it been in the news this week?
14:08Yeah. Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
14:13I think that's Tom Toogan hat.
14:15A clean start, yes.
14:17Just empty your pocket, sir.
14:19Yeah, that's James Cleverley.
14:21Kemi Badenoch looking for some mothers to take some money off.
14:24Yeah. And, er...
14:27Just a normal way to hold your wife.
14:29Yeah, exactly, yeah.
14:31So, who are these people, do you know?
14:33Not a clue. No.
14:35I'm not sure some of them know. No.
14:37That says the Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham,
14:40the hottest ticket in town.
14:42Take a look at this.
14:44There is a brilliant buzz at this conference, isn't there?
14:48It's fantastic. Terrific energy.
14:50Thousands of you here.
14:52We've got members, councillors, MPs, businesses.
14:55In fact, it's such a hot ticket,
14:58I'm surprised that Keir Starmer hasn't asked somebody to buy him one.
15:04Rushies, Yorkville, an absolute fucking belter.
15:10It's very peculiar.
15:11The party that's just won with a thumping majority
15:13is absolutely miserable.
15:15The ones that have been wiped out and got no chance
15:17for the next 50 decades are going,
15:19this is great!
15:21I actually think the Tories do like being in opposition.
15:25It means they can attack the people they really hate,
15:27which is each other.
15:29They're certainly thrilled.
15:31They thought they had a great conference, didn't they?
15:33I've got a problem, because as a citizen of a democracy,
15:35I want them to have a really good leader, right?
15:37But as a journalist and someone who does comedy panel shows,
15:39I want it to be Robert Jenrig.
15:42Which one was he? He's the last one.
15:44He was the last one? One of his kids, his middle name is Thatcher.
15:48Really?
15:49And he said, I understand women, because I've got three daughters,
15:52a wife, and my two dogs are female.
15:56Kemi Badenoch has made a pretty strong pitch
15:59at being the biggest crackpot at the Tory leadership.
16:02What does she think is excessive maternity pay?
16:06You're right, the answer is statutory maternity pay,
16:09which is always a good idea, winding up pregnant women.
16:13It's not good having a name that starts with the word bad, though,
16:16is it?
16:18And ends with Enoch.
16:24So, if you pledge support to Kemi Badenoch,
16:27you can join her WhatsApp group.
16:29What sort of fun do they have on Kemi Badenoch's WhatsApp group?
16:33Emojis, they're quite fun.
16:35Yeah.
16:36They actually write Kemi-inspired limericks.
16:38No.
16:41No, I'm against that.
16:43Would you like to hear a sample?
16:45Oh, I think so, yeah.
17:03I think it's a cry for help rather than a limerick.
17:06We know Kemi's got the right stuff
17:08and won't fail when the going gets tough.
17:10You won't get any money if you're a new mummy, so...
17:15..so we say she's had enough.
17:17Thank you very much. Thank you.
17:21We've got an alternative last line. Go on, then.
17:23So, don't try and get up the duff.
17:25Oh! Yes.
17:27Yeah, there we are.
17:29Robert Jenrick is probably the favourite.
17:31Now, if your name was Robert Jenrick
17:33and you wanted to jazz it up a bit so it was a bit more cool...
17:36Yeah. ..how would you go about that?
17:38Bobby. Bobby Jenrick.
17:39And he's called himself Bobby J. They've got hats.
17:42We want Bobby J. Yeah. We want Bobby J.
17:44It's an ill-advised reference to someone who got shot.
17:48It is also an ill-advised reference
17:50because according to Urban Dictionary...
17:52Yes, it's a reference to a blowjob.
17:54..and certain communities. Yes.
17:58Chloe looks scandalised.
18:00I've enjoyed your genuine kind of...
18:02Not Robert Jenrick!
18:04It's worth getting one of, isn't it?
18:08The cat, I mean, the cat.
18:11You know?
18:12Robert Jenrick owns an unusual item of personal grooming equipment.
18:16Can you tell me what it is?
18:17A nasal perma.
18:22It is hair. It's kind of related to hair.
18:25Is it a comb?
18:28You sound like you haven't come across one of those for sight.
18:30You're right.
18:32According to the Mirror,
18:34he has a special razor to shave his hands.
18:37What?
18:38Even more disturbingly, it's for his palms.
18:44Another of the candidates is James Cleverley.
18:47Every successful politician has a big vision
18:49and a slogan to match Obama's.
18:51Yes, we can.
18:52Martin Luther King's I Have A Dream.
18:54Let's take a look at James Cleverley's.
18:56Let's be more normal.
19:01Liz Truss was at the Tory conference.
19:03What did she have to say?
19:04I'll be back.
19:06She said the Conservatives would have done better
19:08at the last election if they hadn't kicked her out.
19:11She said I wasn't wrong.
19:12Yeah.
19:13I mean, it's become a bit like sort of going to see
19:15the lunatics in Bedlam, hasn't it?
19:17Oh, I wonder what Liz Truss will say.
19:19Go on.
19:22Say something mad.
19:31This is the Tory leadership battle down to the final four.
19:34The Guardian presented this helpful guide
19:36to the Conservative leadership candidates,
19:39after which the passport photo booth blew itself up.
19:44Kemi Badenoch told the Tory conference
19:46that 10% of civil servants should be in prison.
19:50So about the same proportion of Tory MPs and BBC News readers.
19:56In Birmingham last week, Liz Truss declared...
20:08Do you want me to do that again, cleaner?
20:10Just carry on.
20:11Just carry on.
20:12All right, mate.
20:13Relax, mate.
20:14OK.
20:16And we forgot to do the round about the Middle East,
20:19so that's coming up.
20:20Not many series only have one episode, but...
20:25..this might be the one.
20:28And so, to round two, this is the Strength-O-Meter of News.
20:32OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
20:34There we go.
20:38This is the cruise ship which I believe now
20:40has eventually left Belfast.
20:42It's been there for about three or four months.
20:44And finally, it sets sail for the Mediterranean,
20:47where there's been reports of icebergs,
20:49but they're not worried about that.
20:53Finally, it left Belfast on Monday.
20:55We can see how far it got.
20:57It got about as far as Bangor.
20:59Not even the one in Wales.
21:01It got as far as the local Bangor.
21:03And then it turned back, giving the explanation,
21:06we still have some administrative paperwork to be finished.
21:10Where is it going now?
21:12Can you tell us where it's going?
21:15Where is it going now?
21:16Caribbean, next stop, isn't it?
21:18Closer to home.
21:20Caribbean?
21:25Isn't it going somewhere in Scotland?
21:26Yes, it is.
21:27I was quite flattered it was going to take in Scotland.
21:29It's going there to refuel.
21:33The cruise is meant to be a three-and-a-half-year
21:35round-the-world trip.
21:36Why might one cruiser be seeking a refund?
21:39He liked it in port and he's angry they've started moving.
21:42It's a bit of a story.
21:43One woman paid £75,000 for a permanent cabin
21:46and she was kicked off for making critical comments
21:49in a private WhatsApp.
21:52She did it in limerick form as well.
21:56She did it in a private WhatsApp, so there's also a grass on board,
22:00which is the last thing you want to be in Belfast.
22:07How have the passengers spent their days stuck in Belfast?
22:10Having a good time.
22:11They all seem to be very upbeat,
22:12the people I saw being interviewed on the news.
22:14One couple had this to say.
22:16How did you manage to stay happy throughout all this happening?
22:19Oh, how can you not in Belfast?
22:21We've had so much fun.
22:22We drink.
22:27That is actually the captain and the first mate.
22:32OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:34Yeah.
22:36BUZZER
22:39One unusual thing to do with your mouth.
22:41I think this was the debate which got a lot of coverage at the time,
22:45particularly Donald Trump's assertion that people in a place
22:48called Springfield were eating pets, eating cats and dogs.
22:51Yeah, here we go.
22:53They're eating the dogs, the people that came in.
22:56They're eating the cats.
22:57They're eating...
22:59They're eating the pets of the people that live there.
23:06Perhaps he's seen somebody eating a hostage dog.
23:14Kamala Harris has been trying to present herself
23:17as a sort of Republican light.
23:19How has she been doing that?
23:21I own a gun, she says.
23:22Boasting.
23:23Boasting to Oprah Winfrey.
23:25If anybody breaks into my house, they're getting shot.
23:29What has been Donald Trump's latest attempt to grab headlines?
23:32There are a lot of quite good sort of dance remixes of him,
23:35because he said they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats,
23:38they're eating the pets of the people that live here,
23:40which actually is a much better poem than the Kemi Whatsapp truth,
23:43and I could really learn a little something from that, frankly.
23:46This particular question is in relation to Donald Trump
23:49launching a new brand of luxury watches.
23:52Oh, yes.
23:53Yes, which cost up to $100,000.
23:55Oh, they tell you the time that he should be doing.
23:58Yeah.
23:59APPLAUSE
24:02Here's the ad, Bill.
24:03This isn't just any watch, it's one of the best watches made,
24:07with almost 200 grams of gold and more than 100 real diamonds.
24:12That's a lot of diamonds.
24:13I love gold, I love diamonds.
24:15Watches for administrative purposes only,
24:17there's not an exact representation of the final product.
24:21So it's a tiny writing at the bottom.
24:23Do you want the name of the company that makes the watches?
24:26Flybynightfakewatches.com.
24:29They're called the best watches on Earth.
24:33Why has a statue of Donald Trump caused upset in Las Vegas?
24:38Is the statue in the form of a one-armed bandit?
24:41So you pull his arm?
24:43Yeah.
24:44And then a golden shower...
24:45No, I'm not going to do that.
24:48Have you got a picture of it?
24:49Do you want to see the picture?
24:50Yeah, go on.
24:51Yes.
24:52Oh!
24:53Oh!
24:54You know, it's from a different angle.
24:56Look, there's a little hostage there.
25:03What is the title of the artwork?
25:05Does anybody want to have a guess at that?
25:07Is it Naked Greed?
25:09Oh, that's good.
25:10I like that.
25:11The Little Prick?
25:13Yes, the 43-foot, 6,000-pound nude structure
25:16is called Crooked and Obscene.
25:19Time now for the Missing Words Round,
25:21which this week features as its guest publication, The Searcher,
25:25the magazine for metal detector enthusiasts.
25:28Search as long as you like, you won't find anything
25:31that anyone gives a shit about.
25:34I'm not going to do that.
25:35I'm not going to do that.
25:36I'm not going to do that.
25:37I'm not going to do that.
25:38I'm not going to do that.
25:40I would dispute your fact
25:41that no-one's ever found anything interesting.
25:46I was in a field...
25:48Did someone find you?
25:51Yeah.
25:52I went with a metal detector and I found an Anglo-Saxon silver coin,
25:56King Edgar.
25:58About 5.90.
26:00That's not what it's worth.
26:04We start with...
26:09Fake conkers.
26:10Oven usage.
26:11Cold conkers.
26:14Very close. The answer is frozen conkers.
26:17Frozen conkers.
26:18This is conker font in Hertfordshire,
26:21where one angry competitor said that using frozen conkers
26:25was cheating, pure and simple.
26:27There we go. Thanks to Labour scrapping the fuel allowance,
26:30there's going to be a lot of pensioners
26:32with frozen conkers this winter.
26:39Next...
26:43Evensong.
26:47If you miss experiencing life because you're glued to the internet,
26:51there's now a website that lets you relive it.
26:55The answer is...
27:00There's now a website that lets you relive it.
27:03This is an article for...
27:09Defragging a hard drive.
27:11I'm not sure I know how to do that,
27:13but more importantly, neither did Hugh Edwards.
27:19Finally.
27:20While out with my metal detector in a field in Shropshire,
27:23I was surprised to find...
27:25A metal detector.
27:27Ian Hislop.
27:28Yes.
27:39We've got a picture of Ian here.
27:43You look as if you're building a joint with that guy, Ian.
27:49So, the final scores are...
27:51Ian and Helen have three points, and Paul and Chloe have seven.
27:55Well done, Chloe. Well done.
27:57Well done.
27:58You were brilliant.
27:59I want a re-take.
28:00I'm fucking so sorry.
28:01On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
28:03Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Chloe Petz,
28:06and I leave you with the news that at the new Ryman's Megastore
28:09in London, after setting his heart on the giant hole punch,
28:12one customer wonders whether he could claim it back
28:14as office supplies.
28:19At a retirement home in Fife,
28:21one lucky nana celebrates having won this week's bingo jackpot.
28:28And in London, a new artwork is unveiled at the headquarters
28:31of the National Institute of Proctologists.
28:36LAUGHTER
28:38Goodnight.