The Substitute
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PeopleTranscript
00:00For a game-changer tonight's guests,
00:03a mouth that's coming into focus, it's Josh Rubin.
00:08A mouth that looks like a butt.
00:10An eyeball slowly coming into focus,
00:13it's Brennan Lee Mulligan.
00:15I am happy to be here.
00:19And your host, me.
00:22I've been here the whole time.
00:26This is Game Changer,
00:28the only game show where the game changes every show.
00:31I am your host, Sam Raishan.
00:33I'm joined today by these two lovely contestants.
00:36Now, you both understand how the game works.
00:40Of course, of course, yes.
00:43That's right, it's a game-samer.
00:48Oh no, where is Zach Oyama?
00:51Unfortunately, Zach was busy
00:53with an unrelated work project.
00:56We wish him all the best.
00:59In the meanwhile, the show must go on,
01:03which means I need a sub for Zach.
01:06Where am I gonna find a comedian
01:09who's good at sound effects?
01:11Introducing perhaps the best in the world
01:16at this specific thing.
01:18From Police Academy and Spaceballs,
01:22the man, the legend,
01:25Michael motherfucking Winslow.
01:28No!
01:30What?
01:31Oh my God.
01:33God.
01:34Goodness.
01:35Please stand by.
01:37Boys, I've given you a challenge.
01:39You haven't given us a challenge, Sam.
01:41You've sent us to our deaths.
01:42Sir, it's a pleasure and an honor to meet you.
01:45Good to see you, brother.
01:46Good to see you guys, man.
01:47He scores at the break for Josh with 28 points,
01:51Zach, and now Michael with 29,
01:54and Brettend with 30.
01:56Josh, are you ready?
01:58Oh no, no, please don't, no.
02:01Slime ASMR, Josh.
02:03Slime ASMR. No problem.
02:11Lolli.
02:14Lolli.
02:18Well done.
02:19I like it, and I will give you the point.
02:23Michael, over to you.
02:26The most annoying morning alarm clock.
02:43Get your ass out of bed!
02:46Wow.
02:47I am already sorry for Josh and Brettend this episode.
02:53Michael, that is going to be two points for you.
02:57Thank you, sir, thank you.
02:58Brettend!
03:00Great.
03:00Over to you four.
03:01A Chuck E. Cheese band at its last gasp.
03:11For all the little boys and girls we hate to say goodbye.
03:18Our servers have been shutting down.
03:22We don't want to make you cry.
03:25They've made you hard out of steel and rubber
03:29and all things that make you smile.
03:33They're putting us into deep, deep storage
03:38where we're going to stay a while.
03:42Oh shit, Brettend, that turned real dark.
03:47Ginger clown on that so fast.
03:52I think two points for you, Brettend.
03:55Josh, the prompt is yours.
03:58A cat throwing up the Antichrist.
04:16Oh my God, Josh, the snake has eaten its own tail.
04:32Very well done.
04:34Thank you very much.
04:35Two points.
04:36Here we go, Michael.
04:37Gandalf the wizard shaving his beard.
04:42Y'all trying to mess with me.
04:44Ready?
04:45Sound speed, marker.
04:47Gandalf the wizard shaving his beard, take 408.
04:53Action!
05:02Hurry, we've got to get to the top of the rill
05:05so I can shave my bloody beard.
05:07Okay, Gandalf, let's go.
05:14Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
05:17Are those orcs?
05:19Man, we've got to get past the orcs.
05:21This is some messed up shit, man.
05:25We could just barbershop and you mess with us, man.
05:28You're going to get us killed.
05:39I've got to get this beard shaved.
05:45The end.
05:49I may have just watched a full Lord of the Rings trilogy.
05:54That was epic.
05:56It's really incredible when you watch the extended cut,
05:59all the stuff that they left out
06:01of the theatrical release of the movies.
06:03That's exactly what I was going for, man.
06:05Full two points for sure.
06:08Ren and Leigh Mulligan.
06:10A jellyfish giving its son the talk.
06:14This guy thinks I don't know
06:15that jellyfish reproduce asexually.
06:23Hey there, son.
06:25Hope you're doing well.
06:27Snaring all kinds of small plankton and algae
06:31and maybe even some small fish in your long tentacles.
06:35It's a hard life here in the sea.
06:36You're getting to an age now where,
06:39look out, an octopus!
06:40Look out!
06:41You're getting to an age now
06:42where it's time to start thinking about your adult life.
06:46You know, you're not a little pod anymore.
06:49And I wanted to say, when I was your age,
06:54my dad gave me the talk too.
06:56And what he told me, he said,
06:58son, you're actually part of a mitosis where I split myself.
07:04You know, that can be hard.
07:05And yes, the other kids are going to make fun of you.
07:07They're going to...
07:09You may see another jellyfish
07:11that's going through changes as well.
07:13And if you feel any sexual attraction
07:16for that other jellyfish,
07:17that is abnormal and bizarre for our species.
07:21We don't do that.
07:23I just want to say, for the very short amount of time,
07:26I will continue to be alive.
07:27I'm so proud of you, kiddo.
07:29Well done.
07:30Wow!
07:31Brendan, the amount of spontaneous jellyfish facts
07:35that you threw in there, fucking fun.
07:38Two points.
07:39You got two new shows to pitch right there, man.
07:41Josh Rubin, Godzilla.
07:44But he's really sorry.
07:48Oh shit.
08:11Brother?
08:11All of them?
08:12Yeah.
08:13Oh no.
08:15My brother's mother.
08:22I love my father.
08:25I love my brother.
08:30All of my brothers are dead.
08:32Shut up.
08:36My God.
08:37The grief that I felt from the-
08:39Foooooof!
08:41Mr. Michael, Headends automated phone.
08:46Welcome to the Heaven Line, y'all.
09:16I think I'm not going to talk to you right now.
09:30Did you bring any pork rinds?
09:35Wow.
09:36Brennan, I will throw it over to you for Poseidon, the lifeguard.
09:44Aquatic theme today, Brennan.
09:45I got the aquatic theme.
09:49What have I said to thee about running by the side of the pool?
10:00Shush!
10:01Thou knowest thou shalt slip and skin thy knee, and thou, Mom, cannot pick thyself up
10:07until three thirty.
10:10I am the master of the deeps, lord of the waves, the tides are mine and mine alone to
10:19command.
10:20And you had a snickers bar less than ten minutes ago.
10:23You shouldn't even be out here.
10:28Deep krakens and leviathans shall I summon, sharks and eagles of the deep.
10:33My siren songs command the hearts of sailors near and far.
10:39This octopus will fuck you right up.
10:42I won't tell you again, lest I blow my whistle, Josh, be warned.
10:53Wow, truly as aggressive, aggressive as the lifeguards were at my last duel.
11:02The two points go to Brennan.
11:05Gentlemen, that brings us to our minigame.
11:11The minigame, kind of like our game, except the exact opposite.
11:18We've been making a lot of noise here in the studio today.
11:22I think it's time to settle down and make absolutely no noise instead.
11:29And so I want you to tackle the following prompts silently.
11:35When it's your turn, be silent.
11:38That being said, if your fellow players want to support you with some noise, they are welcome
11:42too.
11:43Josh, I'm going to start with you.
11:46An inflating, wacky, inflatable, arm flailing tube man.
12:05Oh my God, Josh, that's, that worked, oh my God.
12:35Way to play with the frame.
12:36That's the most I've moved since COVID.
12:39Yeah.
12:40Yeah.
12:41Yeah.
12:42Even the support, gentlemen.
12:44Michael, it's your go.
12:45Not letting the people around you know that your specific lottery numbers are being called.
12:55Beginning here, New York Super Lottery Mega Millions, the winner of tonight's drawing
12:59will receive over $350 million from the New York Lottery.
13:04Our first number coming out of the bingo ball cage now, 37, 37.
13:14Next number, 17.
13:19Third number coming out of the track here looks to be a six.
13:24Fourth number, 12, 18, 13.
13:32And our last number of the evening, folks, 99.
13:42There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the numbers have been called.
13:49Very good, Michael.
13:50Very impressive.
13:51You know, I'm taking you out of your comfort zone with this mini game.
13:54Very well done.
13:55The full two points for you.
13:58Brennan, your last silent props.
14:01The gymnast member of the crime team getting through the security system.
14:06Oh, shit.
14:10I think there might be miniatures involved here.
14:17Wow, Brennan, I don't know whether to award you or not for that brilliant display of,
14:41I will not commit to this physically and so I will have an object doing for me.
14:45I will give you the point for sure.
14:50That does it for our mini game.
14:52We are headed into round two.
14:54The points as they stand now, Josh with 35, Michael with 36, Brennan with 37.
15:00Josh, you are welcome to make some noise again.
15:03A rude Goldberg machine, not a Rube Goldberg machine.
15:08No, no, no.
15:09Okay.
15:10Here's the marble.
15:11Ready?
15:12Here's the marble.
15:13Got it.
15:14Got it.
15:15Got it.
15:16Got it.
15:17Got it.
15:18Got it.
15:19Got it.
15:20Got it.
15:21Got it.
15:22Got it.
15:23Got it.
15:24Got it.
15:25Got it.
15:26Got it.
15:27Got it.
15:28Got it.
15:29Got it.
15:30Got it.
15:31Got it.
15:32Got it.
15:33Got it.
15:34Got it.
15:35Got it.
15:36Got it.
15:37Got it.
15:38Got it.
15:39Got it.
15:40Got it.
15:41Got it.
15:42Got it.
15:43That's the assist at the last moment.
15:45I love that interpretation, Josh.
15:47Beautiful.
15:48Michael, over to you.
15:50Tuning the radio but every song is about you.
15:55Oh my gosh.
15:56I'm so mad at my boyfriend.
15:57I just hate him so much.
15:58I just hope I never, I never, never, never, never hear...
15:59I'll turn the radio on.
16:00I'll feel better.
16:01He was so tense.
16:02He's like, oh, I'm sorry.
16:03I'm sorry.
16:04I'll fix it.
16:05I'll fix it.
16:06He's like, I'm sorry.
16:07I'll fix it.
16:08I'll fix it.
16:09I'll fix it.
16:10Oh my gosh.
16:11I'm so mad at my boyfriend.
16:12I just hate him so much.
16:13I don't love you no more I don't love you any more
16:33oh my god like how how are you even possible
16:37Breton you're on a date when embarrassingly you spring a leak and
16:43you begin to deflate oh that's good that is so wild that you mentioned that I
16:50actually a friend of mine back in New York traveled to Paris recently and said
16:54the exact same thing that there's like laws there where you're where they you
16:59can't like busk necessarily everywhere in the city and essentially that no no
17:07no I'm fine actually um you know what's weird is I may need to I'm gonna go to
17:10the bathroom really quick actually you're fully good oh my god what a
17:19place to freeze do you have I left mine on my car do you have a little gauge for
17:25PSI I mean way more than I asked for even not only the deflation but the
17:31recovery two points mr. Rubin it's believe it or not your last prompt
17:37Santa fucks up the whole routine
18:07okay oh I dropped all the toys I think you did very well two points for you
18:24Evan mr. Winslow last one my friend what do you got for me
18:29cats and dogs star in this movie trailer for the fast and the furriest
18:37so I take it Vin Diesel's a pitbull right
18:59I'm supposed to try I'm busy supposed to be my frickin movie and we right back
19:24after my god Michael you gave me you got to stop chasing my car be chasing
19:45my car and shit yo damn man Mike you gave me the soundtrack you gave me the
19:51car chase you gave me the animals you I'm gonna say three points for that that
19:56was truly so next Britain your last prompt I'm sorry about this in advance
20:03predictive text Brennan gentlemen welcome here to synthetic text labs we've
20:12been working hard on compiling a hard drive a robot that would be able to
20:16functionally read the entire social media data and metadata of an individual
20:20and be able to approximate their speech as best as possible you're here for the
20:25prototype demonstration the individual selected is the was submitted through
20:30user data it's the Tide Pod guy from college humor so we'll be turning the
20:35machine on now for you to take a look at what our robot approximates his normal
20:39speech patterns like here we go
20:41absolutely to 100% happy to be here number one thing is that everyone to
20:53take care of yourself predictably you might find another time and with the
20:57philosophy camp counselor this time around we go back and I'm telling you
21:01right now I won't stand for it gang you gotta be drinking water a large Irish
21:06Catholic family Gandalf the white Gandalf the gray we all have a
21:10responsibility to examine our place in the world thank you so much for watching
21:16we super duper appreciated happy hippie hokey time time time incredible yes
21:22everything I wanted bread and you gave to me in a Christmas present I'll give
21:27you the two points for that that is it for us here at game changer the points
21:33at the end of this episode Josh with 39 Brennan with 41 Michael with 42 I call
21:45the art form that you established decades ago it lives on in the new
21:49generation of 30-something years okay you gotta have a sense of humor today
21:53you got it you gotta laugh at some at some point you gotta either laugh or
21:57make noises or just or just turn yourself off you gotta laugh that is it
22:01for us here a game changer I am your host Sam Reich and you know what that
22:06all sounds pretty good to me good night