No Place Like Home S1/E5 'Alternative Accommodation' William Gaunt • Martin Clunes
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00:00♪
00:30Well, I enjoyed that, didn't you?
00:32Oh, yes, thank you, Arthur. It was all right.
00:35Yeah, well, I don't mind cooking the odd meal for you, Beryl.
00:37No, giving you a break from slaving over a hot stove.
00:40I've no slouch in the kitchen, you know.
00:41I think I did that very well, didn't you?
00:43It was tasty, wasn't it? Changed from the usual.
00:45Yes, it's been some time since I had beans on toast for dinner.
00:49Anything to follow, love? I've arranged a sweet, if you'd like one.
00:52Oh, what is it?
00:53Rice pudding.
00:55You've cooked a rice pudding?
00:57Well, not cooked exactly, no, no, but there's a tin of it in the fridge.
01:01It's not bad served cold with a blob of jam in the middle.
01:03I think I've had enough, thank you, Arthur.
01:05It's been an unusually peaceful evening, hasn't it?
01:08Pity we can't do this more often.
01:09Do what?
01:10Be on our own, just the two of us.
01:12Makes such a difference when those four overgrown lodgers are out for the day.
01:15They're not lodgers.
01:17They may be grown up, but they're still our children and this is their home.
01:21Yes, well, after more than 20 years, it's about time that it wasn't.
01:24Well, I think referring to them as lodgers is a bit much.
01:26Yes, you're probably right. Lodgers pay rent.
01:28Squatters would be more appropriate.
01:31Squatters are people who move into someone's private property
01:34and occupy it against the wishes of the owner.
01:36Yes, well, as the owner, that's what I meant.
01:39Don't keep on. I think your attitude to the kids is deplorable.
01:42Well, it's in their own interest to leave home and they'll never learn to be independent.
01:46I left home when I was 18.
01:48Yeah, went out into the big, wide world, bravely took the decision.
01:52Well, you had to. You were called up to do your national service. It was compulsory.
01:55Yes, well...
01:56And your mother said you didn't want to go unless she went with you.
02:00In the end, your father had to frog-march you down to the recruiting office.
02:04Nonsense. He always walked like that.
02:06Spent three years in the military police.
02:09Well, your mother said you were terribly homesick.
02:11No, you misunderstood her, love. She said I was sick of being at home.
02:14I couldn't wait to go, couldn't wait to get out there
02:17and enjoy two years of excitement, opportunity, travel.
02:20In Aldershot.
02:22Well, that's where you spent the two years, isn't it?
02:24Well, I wanted to go, Beryl. I was desperate to be part of the invasion of Europe,
02:27to cross the Rhine, to fire a few shots at the enemy.
02:30There would have been a hell of a stink if you had. That was 1955.
02:33Yes, well, that's why I only got as far as Aldershot and didn't see any action.
02:37Apart from the odd punch-up in the naffy queue.
02:39Still, it was an experience, Beryl.
02:41I rubbed shoulders with all sorts.
02:43Well, I had to, really. There were 50 of us sharing one nissen hut.
02:46Yes, life was fraught with hardships and disappointment.
02:49Do you know, do you know, some days we only had enough
02:52to buy one packet of five woodbines between the lot of us.
02:55Oh, that must have been a real hardship. Yes, yes, it was.
02:57Some blokes, they used to smoke those ciggies right down to the last gasp.
03:00They used to pass the dog end round, stuck on the end of a pin.
03:03Well, until the bloke in the next bed to me was posted.
03:06Well, what have that got to do with it?
03:08He owned the pin.
03:10No, no, formed our characters, Beryl.
03:12Taught us the real facts of life.
03:14Well, I thought the army provided assault courses, not sex lessons.
03:17Well, to some blokes, it was one and the same thing.
03:19Oh, yes, all right. No, no, no.
03:21Taught us the real facts of life, Beryl.
03:23Nothing to do with sex.
03:25No, I don't think that was possible, anyway.
03:27I think they put something in the tea.
03:29Oh, dear. Yes.
03:31Come here, love. What?
03:33I think it's beginning to wear off, Beryl.
03:35Don't be silly, the kids will be home in a minute.
03:38You see what I mean? The kids again.
03:40By the time they leave home, we'll be too old to enjoy anything
03:43but a quiet game of bingo.
03:47You know, I never understood why they put that bromide in the tea.
03:51There weren't any women for miles around.
03:53Except for Mavis from the Nappy.
03:55Any resemblance between her and the opposite sex was entirely accidental.
03:59You know, she was so fat that the rumour was
04:02when we went on manoeuvres, we used to use her as a roadblock.
04:05We went on a trip to Southend once
04:08and the deck chair attendant said,
04:10would you mind moving her, please? The tide wants to come in.
04:13You ever had a shave in cold water, Beryl?
04:16Not that I recall.
04:18She did, several times.
04:20She had the makings of a very fine moustache.
04:23And her legs. We used to say,
04:26she had calves only a cow could love.
04:29All right, Arthur.
04:31I have heard your trips down memory lane with the military several times.
04:34I was just trying to explain how hard it was.
04:36We were trained, you see.
04:38Trained never to back away from a job that had to be done.
04:41Oh, good. You can do the washing up, then.
04:43Beryl, I did most of the cooking.
04:45Where do you say the kids have gone?
04:47Oh, they've gone to some new disco, I think. They didn't say where.
04:50Yes, I remember when they used to ask where they came from.
04:53Now they're of an age they don't even tell you where they're going.
04:56Still, I mean to have a word with them.
04:58About A8.
05:00Alcoholics Anonymous? Yeah.
05:02Automobile Association? Hmm.
05:04Alternative Accommodation.
05:06Oh.
05:09Beryl. Hello, dear.
05:11How are things at the office?
05:13Oh, I'm fine.
05:15It's just the usual carefully arranged chaos.
05:18Good evening, each.
05:20I happen to be cleaning my front window
05:24when I saw Arthur come home,
05:27so I thought I'd pop round and see if he would.
05:32Well, that depends, Vera.
05:34Is this a service you're offering to all homecoming husbands in the road
05:37or am I the sole object of your erotic desire?
05:40Trevor won't be home until late because he's doing a bit of overtime.
05:43Oh!
05:45And I want a hand to shift the tropical fish tank off the sideboard.
05:48Yes, how is your menagerie? Any more additions lately?
05:52You're referring to my pets, yes?
05:54Oh, no. What have you got this time?
05:57After many weeks of effort,
05:59Bertha, my Rhode Island hen, has laid an egg.
06:04Oh, good!
06:06Yes, do convey our congratulations to her.
06:08There wouldn't be any point.
06:10Bertha's very upset. I don't think she'll ever lay another.
06:13What's happened?
06:15Trevor pinched it from her quite forcibly this morning
06:18and had it for his breakfast.
06:22She hasn't added a single cluck all day.
06:24Oh, dear. He must be completely out of cluck then.
06:28That's not funny.
06:30To Bertha, it must have seemed like a brutal kidnapping
06:33followed by an act of cannibalism.
06:35Oh, aren't you overreacting, Vera?
06:37Everybody eats eggs, love.
06:39But she's a pet. She trusted us.
06:42And he went and scrambled it.
06:46Go and give her a hand then, Arthur.
06:48Yes, I've got to move the tropical fish tank off the sideboard
06:51so I make room for Rover's kennel.
06:53He's got to come indoors. He's got something on his foot.
06:56Yes, well, judge him by the state of the pavement outside your house.
06:59It's about time he got something on his foot.
07:01I meant an injury.
07:03Trevor's very worried. His nose is quite hot.
07:05Oh, hello, Trevor.
07:07Vera says your nose is overheating a little.
07:09I was talking about Rover. Poor thing.
07:12I thought you might be here. What have we run out of this time?
07:15We haven't. And what are you doing home? You're supposed to be doing some overtime.
07:18I wasn't feeling well, so I changed my mind. I've got stomach ache.
07:21So have you, right.
07:23Probably Bertha's revenge.
07:26Anyway, there's no reason to pack up early. We need the money.
07:29What's that? Medicinal.
07:31Now, here we have a fine example of the sort of sympathetic attention I get
07:35when I'm not feeling well. Now, if I was one of the pets...
07:38Yes, you'd be tucked up in a nice warm kennel, wouldn't you?
07:41Right. And whilst we're on the subject, Vera,
07:43would you mind removing all those canaries from the living room?
07:46Singing canaries can be very pleasant, Trevor.
07:48There's about three dozen of them, Beryl.
07:50A sort of mass canaries choral society, given it what form.
07:54On the subject of overcrowding, you have my sympathy.
07:57Well, all right, Arthur, now, don't you start.
08:01Well, I think you're very lucky.
08:03We weren't able to have children.
08:09Good job we didn't. There wouldn't have been any room.
08:12Any of our lot about, Beryl?
08:15Oh, Lorraine's upstairs and the boys are out trying to sell a car
08:18and Tracy hasn't got back from work yet. Why?
08:20I thought I'd give them a little assistance, give them a little help.
08:23Oh, now, that's very nice and thoughtful. Do what?
08:26Leave home, Vera.
08:28Leave home? But where would they go?
08:30I don't know what they could do, Vera.
08:32They could take all our pets and start a travelling circus.
08:36I'm not amused. Come on, let's see to Rover. He must be in pain.
08:40So am I, Vera.
08:41All right, if I have to get the vet, he can have a look at you at the same time.
08:46Any time you feel like escaping, joining the Foreign Legion, I'm ready.
08:50Oh, I think we're too old to engage in hostilities, Trevor.
08:52Oh, we can't be, can we? We wouldn't still be married.
08:56You know, that's what I like about Trevor.
08:58Battles gamely on. Poor devil, must be like living in Nozark.
09:02Oh, well, let's hope not. The weather forecasts heavy rain.
09:05Right, I plan to make a start with our eldest daughter, then.
09:08What are you going to do?
09:10Just a fatherly chat about future prospects, Beryl. Don't fuss.
09:15Lorraine, would you come down here a moment, darling? I'd like a word with you.
09:26What do you want, Dad?
09:27Oh, sit down, love, would you, for a moment?
09:32Lorraine, your mother and I are rather worried about you.
09:36Ever since you and Raymond split up, we get the impression that,
09:40as a married woman, on your own, without a husband, you're not entirely happy here.
09:45Oh, I wouldn't say...
09:46Yeah, don't agree with me yet, love, I haven't quite finished.
09:49No, your mother and I want you to know that if you want to go back to Raymond,
09:53we have absolutely no objection.
09:55Well, I really don't think that...
09:57Yeah, well, you see, I think that your trouble, love, your trouble is pride.
10:01Yeah, you're a lot like me in many ways, Lorraine.
10:04I find it hard to admit when I'm in the wrong.
10:07I'm not in the wrong.
10:08You see? You see what I mean, love?
10:10Don't apologise, love, I quite understand.
10:13I'm not in the wrong.
10:16Don't apologise, love, I quite understand.
10:19I wasn't, I was...
10:21What's that doing there?
10:22What?
10:23My wedding photograph album.
10:25Is it?
10:27Oh, yes, yes, sir, it's your wedding...
10:29Your mother must have been looking at it.
10:31Oh, I told her not to, it upsets her so much, in the circumstances.
10:35Yes, it's your wedding photos.
10:37Oh, you were such a beautiful bride.
10:41Look at Uncle Billy.
10:43Yes, grinning away at the camera.
10:46If I remember, he went around the whole time grinning at everybody.
10:49Yes, well, he had a new pair of teeth in, bought specially for the occasion.
10:53And there's Raymond.
10:55Oh.
10:56Looked quite handsome in that one, didn't he?
11:04Why has he got his head pressed against the church wall?
11:07He had a terrible hangover.
11:09Yeah, well, you can't blame him, can you?
11:11It's a marriage to a girl he obviously thought the world of.
11:14You know, you look so happy, Lorraine, that I never...
11:17I never worried that what with the reception and everything,
11:19it was costing me a small fortune.
11:21No, I never been one to count the cost of your happiness, Lorraine.
11:25No, the £433.75p...
11:29..plus the AT seemed worth it at the time.
11:32Look at that one.
11:34Auntie Irene with that awful hat with the cherries on it.
11:37Didn't Uncle Harry try to eat them at the reception?
11:39Yes, he did.
11:41Oh, it's a shame, isn't it?
11:43All a married couple have left is a few fading photos,
11:47a few pictorial reminders of what might have been
11:50trapped in time in an old, fading album.
11:53Yes.
11:54What did you want to talk to me about, Dad?
11:58I'm sorry, Laura, I seem to be losing a bit of track.
12:01I think it was...
12:02I think it was the fact that you never gave marriage a chance, you see.
12:05I mean, you were married, what, 12 months?
12:07You see, what I'm trying to point out is that,
12:09well, at the beginning of marriage,
12:11you have to go through a period of adjustment.
12:14It's...
12:15Well, it's like when you buy a new pair of Y-fronts.
12:18I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
12:20I was just trying to cheer you up a little, you see.
12:23You see, I mean, take your mother, for example.
12:26It's taken me years to learn to cope
12:28with her little peculiarities and moods, which...
12:32..which were caused entirely by my inability to understand her.
12:37Just having a little chat with Lorraine about Raymond
12:40and about them getting back together again.
12:42I see. And have you asked if she wants to?
12:45Well, I didn't think the bull in the china shop approach
12:48was quite appropriate, Beryl.
12:50No, I don't think we should put unnecessary pressure on her
12:52to make an instant decision like that.
12:54And do you? No. Well, that's that, then.
12:56Anyone like a nice cup of tea?
12:58Just a moment.
13:00She's still your husband, Lorraine.
13:02He might have improved.
13:04I mean, people have become more sophisticated.
13:06He may be one of them. He doesn't understand me.
13:08Yeah, but that's not unusual, love.
13:10I mean, men often don't understand women.
13:13And if they did, they probably wouldn't believe it.
13:16I'm still fond of him, Dad, but I don't think he wants me back.
13:19Don't jump to conclusions, love.
13:21You see, I've always thought of you as a girl with a...
13:24..with an intelligent, open mind.
13:26But she may be right, Arthur.
13:28And she may not. He may want her back.
13:30He may be just waiting for her to make the first...
13:32He may be as stupid and as pig-headed as she is!
13:34Oh!
13:37I'm eating out. Oh, all right, darling.
13:39What's up?
13:41Oh, nothing. We're just having a chat with Lorraine
13:43about the distinct possibility of her going back to Raymond.
13:46I saw him the other day. I hear he's got a part-time job.
13:49A part-time job?
13:51You see, I knew he'd do well eventually.
13:53How did he look?
13:55Was he looking lonely and unhappy and...?
13:57I'm not sure.
13:59He took a barstool in the Saracens' head, knocked a pint of beer over
14:02and two of his mates carried him out.
14:04Well, he's probably drowned in his sorrows, love.
14:07Oh, come on, Mum. I think you ought to meet him and talk things over.
14:10It's not fair to keep a man in agonised suspense like this.
14:13You mean Raymond? No, I mean me, love.
14:15All right, I'll see him if he agrees.
14:17Good girl. But I don't hold out any hopes.
14:19Oh, I will, love.
14:21I'm becoming quite a hardened clutcher at straws.
14:23I'm not sure she wants to make it up with Raymond, you know.
14:26Well, she might not.
14:28Unless he were to make the first move
14:30and rekindle whatever it was they got married on the strength of.
14:33Yes, I think I'll have a word with Raymond
14:36before his marital responsibilities fade from his mind forever.
14:40You see, Raymond, it's possible that you and Lorraine could get back together again.
14:44All that's necessary is...
14:46well, is to make her feel that she's wanted.
14:48Who, by...?
14:51By you, Raymond.
14:53I mean, there isn't another woman in your life, is there?
14:55Yeah.
14:57Who? My mother.
14:59And she says I'm not cut out for responsibility
15:01because I'm just like my father.
15:03He always avoided things. Like what?
15:05Like me and my mother.
15:07But that sort of thing doesn't always run in the family.
15:09He did.
15:11And Mum had to chase after him.
15:13He volunteered for the RAF in the last war
15:15and Mum was still looking for him three years after the war had finished.
15:18She eventually found him at a dance at an RAF camp in Yorkshire
15:21waltzing with one of them WAFs.
15:23It was Catterick, was it?
15:25No, it was a ladies' excuse me.
15:27She went up to him, she tapped him on the shoulder,
15:30he waltzed my mum twice round the room
15:32before she kicked his ankle and he realised it was her.
15:34I think we're getting a bit off the point, Raymond.
15:36No, Mum says I'm like him.
15:38I'm the sort of bloke that takes a girl's heart on his hands and...
15:41and tramples on it.
15:42Why did you get married then?
15:43Well, I'd had a few drinks when Lorraine proposed to me.
15:45I must have got carried away.
15:47Yes, you ought to be.
15:49Well, let me get you another drink, Raymond.
15:51It might refresh the parts of the brain that nothing else has ever reached.
15:54OK.
15:55I'll have a tequila and a bit of lemon this time.
16:00Sharon?
16:02Sharon?
16:03Here.
16:04Do you fancy coming down to the Dirty Dog Disco tonight?
16:07No, you can bring your friend.
16:08She can stay on the substitutes bench and come on after you're worn out.
16:12Maybe I could show you how to shake your hormones about a bit, eh?
16:17You should stay away from him. He's a married man.
16:19What?
16:20Thou shalt not commit adultery, Raymond.
16:22Well, I couldn't, could I? They're not even adults.
16:26Now, look, Raymond.
16:28How do you feel about Lorraine?
16:30Well, I'm not sure.
16:31No, I think I'm still very fond of her, actually.
16:33In fact, I could still love her in my own way.
16:36What way's that, Raymond?
16:39Well, I don't want to go into intimate details in public, Mr Crabtree.
16:44No, you see, I do have a lot of feeling for her,
16:46but I'm just not sure that it's reciproca...
16:49Reci...
16:50Rep...
16:51I'm not sure how she feels.
16:53I think she's still very fond of you, Raymond,
16:55so if you could get together...
16:56You've still got that small flat, haven't you?
16:58Yeah, but it's not in very good nick.
16:59I've been trying to paint the walls.
17:00You see, I'm here to persuade you to try again.
17:02I think I might.
17:03The mauve emulsion don't go all that well with the yellow and green doors.
17:06And then with Lorraine.
17:07I mean, if you could just give it another go.
17:09Well, all right then, Mr...
17:12Dad.
17:14Perhaps I will.
17:15You see, I always feel
17:16if you know what you want in life, you should just go and get it.
17:18And you see, I feel, Raymond, that...
17:20Well, you know what you want.
17:22Yeah, I'll have another tequila and a bit of lemon.
17:26I'd like a bottle of dry white wine, please.
17:28Tracy?
17:30Oh, hi, Dad. What are you doing here?
17:32I see.
17:33How's it going?
17:34Well, some progress.
17:35Diplomatic negotiations are continuing
17:37and a bulletin will be issued in due course.
17:39What are you doing here?
17:40Oh, Rodney lives just around the corner.
17:42Rodney?
17:43Yes, didn't I mention him to you?
17:45Rodney Moston-Jones?
17:46He's a fourth-year medical student.
17:48Well, he owns a Porsche and he's got his own flat.
17:50Anyway, he's cooking us a meal, so I popped in for some wine.
17:53Rodney Moston-Jones, hyphenated, medical student,
17:55owns a Porsche, got his own flat, cooking...
17:57I think I like him, love. I think he sounds like a very nice guy.
18:00I do.
18:01Very much.
18:02And he says he thinks he's in love with me.
18:04Has he mentioned marriage yet?
18:05Oh, Dad, I've only known him for a month.
18:07Anyway, he can't make any decisions about his future
18:10till he's qualified.
18:11Yes, well, it'd be useful to have a doctor in the family.
18:14Then if he decided to go in for brain surgery,
18:16you could have a look at Raymond.
18:20See you tomorrow, then, Dad.
18:22Tomorrow?
18:23I'm staying overnight at Rodney's.
18:25Well, his car's in for repair, so he can't drive me home.
18:29And after we've eaten and that, it'll be too late for the last bus.
18:32Why, what's the matter?
18:34Oh, it's nothing, love.
18:35I mean, I've heard of easy virtue,
18:37but I've never heard it connected to the public transport timetable before.
18:40Oh, Dad, come on, don't be such a stick in the mud.
18:44I know what I'm doing.
18:46But it's old-fashioned, eh?
18:49Hey, if you want to stay away from him, he's a married man.
18:54Two large tequila and bitter lemons, please.
18:58I'm sorry, Beryl, I just find it hard to accept that.
19:01So, I mean, not only did you spend last night with him,
19:04she's now talking about moving in with him permanently.
19:07But she is 20.
19:08And she was living with a boyfriend before she came back here,
19:11so it isn't as if she was still a... still a...
19:14Don't say it, Beryl.
19:15That word went out with chlorophyll and hula hoops.
19:21But she is on the pill, Arthur.
19:23The pill? It used to be such an innocent word, didn't it?
19:26Describe a simple medication.
19:27Well, she thought you wouldn't mind if she went to live with Rodney.
19:30After all, you want them all to leave home anyway.
19:32Yes, well, there is that in her favour.
19:35How do you feel about it, love?
19:37Well, living together does have some advantages.
19:40I mean, so many marriages these days break down
19:43and end up in unpleasant divorces.
19:45Yes, well, that's like saying that the chief cause of divorce is marriage.
19:48Well, that's not what I meant.
19:50But attitudes are changing rapidly.
19:52Yeah, well, what irks me about this women's lib and this pill?
19:55I mean, nowadays a bloke can live with any girl he fancies
19:58and doesn't have to commit himself.
20:00It's not fair.
20:04In my day, we did.
20:06Well, don't sound so damned peeved about it.
20:09Well, all this living together, I mean, it's the blokes that benefit, you know,
20:12not the girls. No, no, no.
20:14All the advantages, none of the legal or moral responsibilities.
20:17Well, you'd probably have done the same thing
20:19if it had been possible when you were that age.
20:21Yeah, well, perhaps I would, if I met the right kind of girl.
20:24Arthur!
20:25Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
20:27We're not talking about me, are we? I mean, I'm a man.
20:30I mean, we're talking about my daughter, Beryl.
20:32She's a woman.
20:33Oh, well, thank you for clearing that up, Arthur.
20:36Look, I think the only thing to do is for us to meet this young man of hers,
20:39and if we think he's a nice, respectable boy,
20:41then we don't offer any objections.
20:43Yeah, well, even if we did, she'd probably move in with him anyway.
20:46Oh, to think, a few years ago,
20:48I was looking forward to some nervous young man coming here
20:51and asking for my daughter's hand in marriage.
20:53Now Rodney gets the lot without even a phone call.
20:57Well, I don't think it's the fashion these days to ask the father's permission.
21:01What permission?
21:02Permission. Permission as in permissive as in today's permissive society.
21:06What's he talking about?
21:07We'd like to meet this young man of yours that you want to go and live with.
21:10Rodney, the medical student.
21:12What for?
21:13Well, I get this pain. What do you think what for?
21:16Oh, I see. You want to look him over.
21:19Well, all right, then. If that's what you want, I'll ask him round.
21:21Well, at least we'll feel we aren't becoming entirely extinct, darling.
21:25Right, so I asked her. You know what she said?
21:27I can't see you on Sunday. I'm expecting a headache.
21:30It's nothing. I asked Deidre Smith if I could see her home and she showed me a photo of her.
21:34Freeze!
21:36All right, you boys. I want a word with you.
21:38Now, the time has come...
21:39The walrus said.
21:40...to talk of many things.
21:41Like when exactly you two fledglings are going to find their wings.
21:45Very good, Pop.
21:46I liked it. Quick, witty, it rhymed.
21:49Completely irrelevant.
21:51He's so dense. He's unresponsive.
21:53Mark Sherman said he took her to Madame Tussauds the other day
21:55and they kept asking her to move on.
21:57Because they were stocktaking.
21:58Yes, all right. Cease the hilarity, lads. I'm going to make an announcement.
22:01Now, Lorraine and Raymond are having a summit conference in an attempt to end the...
22:06The Cod War?
22:07The Cod War, yes.
22:09And Tracy is about to leave home as soon as we've OK'd the lucky recipient.
22:13So that leaves just you two.
22:15Good. More room.
22:16Now, I want to talk to you about moving out.
22:20But where would you go, Dad?
22:23Look, this house isn't big enough for all of us.
22:26OK, Pop. We'll be out of town on the new stage.
22:29Look, look, look. I'm serious about this.
22:31I mean, you once had a flat of your own.
22:33It was only a bedsit.
22:34I'm only staying until I go to college next year.
22:36You could have gone this year.
22:37I'm taking 12 months off.
22:39From what? You haven't started yet.
22:42Don't split hairs, Dad.
22:43Anyway, where would I go?
22:45Well, you could find a...
22:46Someday I might become a student accommodation.
22:48Well, we're getting rather used to living here in the style which you forced us to become accustomed, Pop.
22:53Ah, Beryl. I just...
22:56Oh!
22:57Am I interrupting something?
22:58Yes.
22:59Oh, I am sorry.
23:03Oh, don't mind me.
23:04Actually, Vera, Dad was just telling us how he's going to throw us out of here.
23:08Sort of put us in a destitute situation.
23:10Chuck us out in the street with nowhere to go so we don't mind you interrupting, Vera.
23:13Oh, how awful.
23:15Your own flesh and blood.
23:17No, it's worse.
23:18He's going to throw Lorraine out as well.
23:20Oh, now, come on. Just a month.
23:21Money.
23:22That's where you get greed.
23:24He wants you all out so he can take in lodgers.
23:26Uh, Beryl, could you come and get rid of something nasty in the kitchen, please?
23:32Well, don't just sit there and let him evict you. You're bigger than he is.
23:35Right.
23:36Come on, then, Dad.
23:37Chuck us out.
23:38Chuck us out.
23:39Don't be so bloody silly, lads.
23:41What's going on?
23:42They were just about to give him a good pasting and I can't say will I blame them.
23:46We were just trying to explain to Dad that we can't just leave here like that.
23:50I mean, where will we go?
23:51Right. We were trying to talk things over reasonably.
23:53And Dad started making threatening gestures.
23:55I consider his behaviour to be cruel, heartless.
23:59Yeah.
24:02Trevor!
24:03Well?
24:04Fancy a pint down at the Dog and Duck?
24:05Well, Arthur?
24:07Don't bother me now, Beryl. I've got to go for a pint at the Dog and Duck.
24:10Oh, no, no, no. You come back to me.
24:12And if your mother hadn't intervened, I'd have given you both a damn good hiding.
24:15Beryl, see these boys to go to bed early without any supper.
24:19And kindly have a go at evicting Vera before I get back.
24:22No, I'm not.
24:23Don't worry about this, dear. Don't worry.
24:25In just a few days, this house will have only two occupants.
24:29Beryl! Beryl!
24:31I said to change the locks! Good night!
24:39If you do want to get your two lads fixed up with alternative accommodation,
24:42I think I could help you there, Arthur.
24:44Or round at your place.
24:45You want them detached, don't you? Not semi-detached.
24:48Anyway, you'd have to want to be a game warden to live at our place.
24:53No, no, no. What I meant was my sister Elsie's got a couple of rooms to let.
24:56Really? Whereabouts?
24:57On the second floor. One of those big Victorian villas.
25:00Hand-you-so kitchen.
25:01Where is it? On the first floor.
25:03I meant the address.
25:04Oh, yeah. 27 Railway Grove. About five miles from here.
25:08What do you think? I like the sound of it.
25:10What, Railway Grove? No, five miles.
25:13Well, finding somewhere for them needs a bit of initiative, Arthur,
25:16and they don't seem to have any. Yes, but I have.
25:18What's that for?
25:19Go and phone your sister, tell her to be right round,
25:21and tell her to make up a couple of beds for Nigel and Paul
25:24and to set the alarm for 6.30 in the morning.
25:26Now, there are a couple of conditions attached to this, Arthur.
25:29A couple of things needed to secure this place.
25:31What are they?
25:32She'll want a month's rent in advance. Fair enough. What's the other?
25:34I'll have a large whisky and soda.
25:37Could I have a large whisky and soda, please?
25:40It's a terrible little room, Arthur. They won't take it.
25:43What do you mean, they won't take it?
25:44Well, it is damp.
25:45I mean, Nigel couldn't possibly live there.
25:47You know he's always had a weak chest.
25:51Look, I've fixed it up, love. I've paid a month's rent in advance.
25:54Excuse me, Mr Crabtree, could I have a word with you, please?
25:57I'll talk to him. She'll talk to you.
25:59You see, Dad, Raymond didn't pay his rent, so he's been evicted.
26:02So if you could just move in here with us for a couple of weeks
26:04till we've found something.
26:06I'm very sorry to transgress,
26:08but I've just heard that Trevor's talked Arthur into renting his sister's place
26:11and I'm here to refute it.
26:13It's going to be knocked down anyway.
26:14They're going to turn it into a supermarket.
26:16No, they're not. I've checked.
26:17Well, not this year, anyway.
26:18I knew you'd be round here stirring things up.
26:20Sorry about that place in Railway Grove, Dad,
26:22but they're knocking it down next week to build a supermarket.
26:24Anyway, it's got rising damp.
26:26There's only a little leak in the ceiling.
26:27Right. Falling damp.
26:28Dad!
26:30This is Rodney.
26:31Mr Crabtree.
26:32Mrs Crabtree.
26:34I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea
26:36if I came round and we had a chat.
26:39I'm sorry, but I think you're barking up the wrong Crabtree.
26:43Look, can't this wait a minute?
26:44I'm trying to talk to Dad about Raymond.
26:46Arthur, can I have a word with you, please?
27:06We should have thought of this before, Arthur.
27:09I can't see what possible objection
27:11Beryl and the kids could have to a room like this.
27:15Well, it's quite cosy.
27:16I must say, that sister of yours,
27:18very attractive woman.
27:20Yeah. Been a widow for three years now.
27:23She?
27:24Yeah.
27:25And I don't know if I should tell you this, Arthur,
27:27but she did say she thought you were
27:29a very decent-looking bloke yourself.
27:31Really?
27:32Yeah.
27:34But being your friend,
27:36there's one thing I think I ought to mention,
27:38before you get carried away, that is.
27:39Oh, what's that?
27:40She's got four teenaged kids.
27:45Oh, boy.