No Place Like Home S1/E6 'Goodbye Father' William Gaunt • Martin Clunes
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00:30Morning Trevor. Morning Arthur. You in the doghouse again? I would be if there was
00:47any room. We have several Afghan hounds and a Doberman Pinscher in there at the
00:52moment. They're a bit reluctant to move over. What happened to the... Oh just a
00:56row over a bird. Bird? You've been putting it about a bit. Oh oh no no no such
01:05luck. No Vera's got a new minor bird. I lost my temper. I was about to strangle it
01:10and Vera caught me. I might just search the garden for brick or something. Brick? Yes. I
01:17might just go back in there and kill two birds with one stone. The minor bird took
01:23a fancy to it. That is why I lost my temper. Minor bird? Does it talk? Not half.
01:28Told me to bugger off. I said to Vera, I said either that bird goes outside or I
01:33do and... Yes well you did get married for better or worse Trevor. Well I reckon I
01:40could have done a lot better and she could have done worse. She has made me
01:44increase my life insurance. I think she set her sights on being a rich widow.
01:48Yes well women do live longer than men. That's true. I wonder why. Don't have
01:52wives do they? Yes well see you for our usual freedom hour down at the dog and
01:58duck. You certainly will. The kids go down the pub. No no wouldn't dare. If they did
02:03by the time they come back I'd have dug a moat and put a drawbridge in. Easier to get them
02:07evicted under the Rent Act. I'd have a job. We don't pay any.
02:12Morning. Dad don't be annoyed but Raymond stayed here again in my room on the campus.
02:25Annoyed? Why should I be annoyed? Of course I'm not annoyed darling. He's your husband isn't he?
02:29I mean I know you've been separated for a few months but you're talking again. I
02:32hope you'll get together soon and you'll leave here return to the marital home.
02:35Oh we'd like to do that. Good good. I'm not annoyed darling of course not. On the
02:39contrary. We haven't got a marital home. Why not? Raymond lost the part-time job
02:44he had and he's been evicted from our flat. I thought he'd paid those arrears.
02:48Oh Lorraine how could you marry such a useless good-for-nothing layabout? Well
02:51he's not staying here indefinitely. What's all the fuss about? Dad's annoyed because of
02:55Raymond and him being evicted. There's no need to go on like that. I'm not going on
02:58but he will be. Just get him out of our camp bed. I am out of it I'm pleased to say.
03:02Yeah yeah and I've got a complaint. There was an awkward lump in your camp bed.
03:06Yes and I'm glad to see you're out of it. I've only got one thing to say to you
03:10Raymond. Don't unpack. Arthur? After all he is Lorraine's husband. Yeah a model one. Yes yes scaled-down
03:16replica of the real thing. He's not a working model isn't he? Lorraine if he
03:20says another word I shall leave. Taxi!
03:24I'll get you some breakfast. Just don't. Alright Lorraine alright. Lorraine if you absolutely insist but look I'm
03:29not all that hungry so I'll just have some porridge an egg bacon sausage
03:33tomato and fries. Full English breakfast is £7.50. I'll skip the porridge.
03:37Right deduct 25p for no porridge but add 15% service charge. Morning excuse me.
03:41Morning. Breakfast ready. Who was that? I think it's one of Paul's friends they were out
03:50late last night. He slept in Nigel's bed. Oh yes and where was Nigel? Oh he left
03:55with a pillow and a blanket about 12 15 a.m. Well I can't say I blame him poor boy.
03:59The way things are going we'll probably find him asleep in the airing cupboard.
04:02Could you spare a Sunday paper? What do you think this is the YMCA?
04:07Beryl I'm trying to get rid of four superfluous adult kids not increase our
04:10income. I've got enough hangers-on as it is. Well speaking as one of your older
04:14hangers-on I think it is mean of you to begrudge them a couple of breakfasts.
04:17Yes so do I. Me too especially to relatives. Just you keep out of this and
04:20I'll inform you when you're a relative again. In the case of Raymond here
04:24homeless jobless and gormless I do begrudge him. In the case of Paul's mate
04:28I don't. Or I wouldn't if he wasn't wearing my dressing. But calm down don't
04:35worry it needn't necessarily be that. I mean it's only a week overdue. Ten days!
04:39What's overdue? Oh a library book. Oh yeah. I don't think I've had the pleasure and I
04:46hope you haven't either. She slipped on the sofa. This is um Louise. Sorry
04:52slipped up for a minute. Yes well from what I just heard I think you might have
04:55done it. Louise welcome to the Arthur Crabtree Foundation for the homeless.
04:59Do you have any problems? Want to talk to someone like a father? Perhaps Paul would
05:03oblige if he hasn't done so already. Anything you want Mr. Crabtree? Only my
05:09head examined. He suffers terribly from dandruff. Dad could you give us a
05:17minute? Oh yeah of course. Feel free to use the phone should you want to ring
05:21the library. Excuse me. George I suppose we could always go and stay with Raymond's mother. I thought you didn't get on with her Raymond. I don't. You see we don't have anything at all in common apart from the fact that I'm her son and she's my mother. You see I just can't bring myself to get on with her. Yes well don't worry about bringing yourself son. I'll take you.
05:41Morning. Oh father this is Nadia. She spent the night. She's from Warsaw. Is it Pol? Pol north or south? Central. She doesn't speak much English. Well you weren't giving her much chance to try were you. She was giving her English lessons. Oh this is homework is it? Well we got a bit carried away on the verb to love. Yes
06:09practicing manoeuvres on the Polish border. What? Border b-o-a-r-d-e-r. Father is always making awful jokes but here in England one is not obliged to laugh. Yes I only had four of you. Now we're up to seven or seven and a bit from what I've just heard in the kitchen. It's a bit early for this sort of thing isn't it? And God knows what you get up to at night. Don't try to tell me she slept on the sofa last night because that's already been spoken
06:39for. No she slept in Tracey's bed and I was on the sun lounger in the greenhouse. Greenhouse? You didn't take her in there and try to force her under glass. Oh dear. As I explained one is not obliged to laugh because one is related to him. However a small grin may put him in a better mood.
06:59Thank you. Sorry to interrupt her education. Just a moment. Did you say she slept in Tracey's bed? Yes.
07:06Where did Tracey spend the night? Search me dad. Yeah I think I'll leave that to Nadia. Excuse me.
07:12Do you know Tracey was out all night? No but you want it and I'll play it.
07:20Just hold on. Will you kindly explain to me why I was not informed? I don't understand you Arthur.
07:25You're always going on about them leaving home and then when one of them does for a night you get
07:29all upset and start shouting. I was not shouting. Oh yes you were. You just keep out of this.
07:34Now where did Tracey spend the night? I stayed with a friend. Oh I see another
07:39overnight stop on your road to ruin. I've known Leslie for years. That doesn't make any difference
07:45does it? No. Do not approve Beryl. We were in the girl guides together. Girl guides? What is he?
07:53Some sort of a... Come in Leslie. You know mum and Lorraine. Hello. This is dad. He thinks you're
08:00some sort of friend of Tracey's who was in the girl guides. We've run out of milk.
08:09Leslie lover. Oh Ron. I'm sorry about Friday night. It's all right. I've forgotten it already.
08:16Come upstairs and talk to me while I have a shave. Hey he's had a shave. Beryl uh don't go in there.
08:24Don't go in there. Nigel is breaking down Polish resistance. All in there Paul is comforting some
08:30overwrought female who's apparently having hysterics because her library book is overdue.
08:34And here in the hall there's a conference chaired by Beryl on the subject of the homeless,
08:40the jobless and the gormless. Oh the greenhouse might be free now. Excuse me. I'm going in search
08:46of solitude Beryl. I want to read my Sunday paper while I've still got one leather. Please do not
08:51disturb.
09:09At least we're sitting here all ready to go when they open. Right.
09:17Peaceful isn't it?
09:19Hmm. You know I often sit in my car on Sundays. Listen to a church service on the radio.
09:27Even say a few prayers. They've been answered yet? No Vera's still there.
09:34Oh it's like Waterloo station around our place. It's more like London Zoo.
09:40Still peaceful here. The roads are always quieter on a Sunday.
09:48Hang on we're about to be overtaken. What? Vera. The head keeper.
09:56Trevor come on out of there. You're supposed to be digging in the back garden.
10:06One of the dogs buried a bone there. You can't find it.
10:09Here. Bonzo want you to find his bone.
10:17Morning Beryl. Morning Vera.
10:22Arthur come on out of there. Arthur I need the car to go to the shop.
10:29Trevor. Arthur.
10:40What do you call this? What are you sitting in here for? We're on a joyride. Why stationary?
10:47There are various sorts of joys Vera. You have just shattered one of our best ones. I suppose
10:53it should be disappearing down the pub as soon as they open. Well that seems to have the edge
10:56on disappearing down a hole looking for Bonzo's bones. You still might improve your relationship
11:02with Bonzo. Oh he's so unpopular amongst the animals. Even our tortoise retreats into his
11:09shell when he wants him. But he can't bear to see a fellow male suffering. He doesn't know
11:14whether he's a male or a female. He knows. Arthur. Backseat drivers.
11:22Come on. Fetch that bone. Come on. Fetch boy. Fetch. I reckon he knows where he's buried.
11:29He's insane. Don't you? Why don't you ask the miner bird Vera. He's the only one allowed to
11:34say anything in our house. I'll see you later Arthur. I shall go and work up a thirst helping
11:40Bonzo. I shan't be long. Perhaps you'd sort out who's staying to lunch. Oh don't worry Beryl. I'm
11:45going to sort them all out once and for all. Oh I think I'll come with you Beryl. I need to
11:49for lunch. I thought you were cooking a joint. That's for the pets. I'll bring you some combi.
12:03Uh Trev I was wondering could I come around to your place in about 10 minutes? Yeah
12:07what for? Well as Beryl's using the car I was wondering if I could sit in yours.
12:19Yeah. Oh it's all clear in here now is it? No mad passionate love on the sofa. We've never done
12:26things like that Mr Cratchit. No why not Raymond? Some disability. Some inhibition. No we've never
12:30had a sofa. Dad. Raymond and I have decided to go and live with his mother. She's got a sofa.
12:37Raymond please. We're moving out this afternoon as soon as I've packed. We've decided to try again.
12:42That is good news Lorraine. I hope you'll be very happy and I hope Raymond will be happy too.
12:47Seems that you're happy that we're going. Well I'm happy that you're reconciled love. My mum's
12:51not too happy though. We can't all be happy can we? See that he gets a job. See that he saves and
12:55when you get a place of your own I'll help you in every way I can. Oh thank you dad. Raymond.
13:01Oh uh thanks dad. Yeah and I will get a job. No I'll try something I've always wanted to do and
13:07well who knows in a couple of months time you you might hear the patter of little feet.
13:12Patter of little feet? Yeah I'm gonna learn to tap dance.
13:17See I've always I've always wanted to be a dancer or uh or an engine driver. Yes why don't you join
13:22the British Rail Glee Club and do both. Do my dancing in platform heels. Well we'll unpack.
13:30Trace has offered to run us over to his mum's this afternoon. This is Raymond's opportunity to prove
13:35himself. Innocent or guilty Raymond? Now don't listen to him Lorraine. You know I'll do it. No
13:39Raymond as far as I'm concerned a man in your position can only go one way. What way is that dad?
13:43Up Raymond up. Yeah. Come on Raymond we'll go and get everything together in my room.
13:49Do you know it's been such a long time since I've heard you say that. Freckle.
13:56Just come to say um cheerio pop. What? Yeah well we had a long chat about the situation here and
14:12we've decided to do something to make you happy. Oh yeah? So we're leaving. Yes dad we realise that
14:16you're not getting any younger and that the signs of stress and strain are beginning to show
14:20both on Paul and myself. Therefore in view of your often expressed desire your much mentioned
14:25wish to get shot of the lot. We decided in your own interests and those of the family as a whole
14:30to go. To relieve you of what you apparently see as a burden. Yes all right cut the fancy stuff.
14:34What what's going on? Look dad over the last few months we've got the message loud and clear
14:39all right. So we're doing a Captain Oates. The ultimate sacrifice. Scott of the Antarctic. Yeah
14:44we've already got one pole here. No she's gone. So is Louise. So is Leslie. And so is Ron and so will we
14:50and so will Lorraine and we'd rather do this in the absence of mum who though level-headed is
14:55likely to become upset and even hysterical. So send her our love and tell her we'll write.
15:00Where are you gonna go? Look dad the details are superfluous. Just know that we'll manage
15:05after having observed your marital efforts over the years. I think we've learned the art of survival.
15:09Cheerio. It's not a foreign legion is it? No no not that. We're more for an English compromise.
15:16Boy Scout? Look dad we'll have to go. And we can live simply and we can live frugally. We can make
15:22our own way in the world without being a hindrance to your material and mercenary way of life.
15:27Without being a drag on your resources because we're a different generation dad. Yeah. So cheers
15:33then pop. Hang in there. Hold on this is ridiculous. Your mother will go mad. She'll understand.
15:40She'll blame me. Who said there wasn't any justice in the world? Anyway with us out of the way if
15:47you want to have a fight you'll have more room. Goodbye father. Love to mother. Au revoir pop.
15:53Now where will you live boys? Well we'll pitch a tent somewhere until we find permanent accommodation.
15:57Just sit down and let's discuss this. Gotta go pop. The open road awaits. We'll send you a place.
16:01At least wait until your mother gets back yes? Well actually pop there is something I'd like
16:05to tell you in confidence. Yes yes son. That Triumph Herald for sale in the drive. Don't tell
16:10anybody the mileage on the clock is genuine. What? There'll be 10% in it for you if you flog it.
16:17Uh Paul this this departure has got nothing to do with your girlfriend's library book being
16:22overdue has it? Paul? Boys? Boys? What's up dad? Where are the boys going? Uh going camping love.
16:34Can I have a talk with you? Uh what about love? I'm thinking of leaving home.
16:40I thought you'd be happy about it. Well I think I'm in a bit of trouble with your mother as it is.
16:43You see the boys are leaving home. They've just gone. For good? I think so. Mum will think you're
16:49responsible won't she? No. I think I'll get out of the way before she does. No there's no need love. No I'll just
16:54explain to her. I'll explain to her that it was their idea in the first place. Oh no no she'll understand.
17:13Anybody home?
17:15Dad. Ah I thought I might find you here. What's up? You've got room for a third.
17:22Yeah oh dear. We've got a spare sleeping bag if you can have it. Well settled for there.
17:29Mum's thrown you out has she? I'd rather not talk about it. She's thrown him out. I don't want to
17:34stand here chatting about it. I want to get my head down. Well that could be a bit awkward pop.
17:39Well that could be a bit awkward pop. It's not that we don't want you or anything it's just that um...
17:44No no it's just that it would be preferable if you pitched camp somewhere else. I paid for that
17:51bloody tent. Out. Is there no place we can call our own? Nowhere we can go in the world without
17:59being harassed. Harris. Harris. Nowhere we can be free from Arthur Crabtree's monumental cock-ups.
18:05Step aside. I am repossessing that tent. We'll pay for it. Yes. With what?
18:14I am sleeping in here and that is the end of that.
18:35Shouldn't pitch camp there if I were you. Definitely not advisable dad. I will pitch
18:45camp wherever I bloody well choose. All right then don't blame us.
18:52What for? You're lying on a couple of ants nests.
18:55Yeah. Goodbye father. Cheers pop.
19:18He must be around here somewhere. Oh he's probably in a warm bed in a hotel room with
19:24his arm around some blonde. Arthur. Arthur. Arthur. What on earth are you doing here?
19:39Cooking my supper. What does it look like? What is it?
19:44Smoked mackerel? I wonder you didn't bring the bloodhound to sniff me out there.
19:48Bloodhounds trap felons not pools. Looks like a tramp doesn't he? A vagrant. I am a vagrant.
19:57I've just found the boys and taken them some more food and clean underwear and socks and things.
20:02I guess they'd be where they used to camp when they were kids. And I had a word with those two
20:06girls as well. The um the boys told me that all this was their idea. They said you had nothing
20:15to do with it. Well not this time anyway. They said you tried to call them back.
20:23Lorraine and Raymond have gone.
20:27Leave him Beryl. He's sulking. Let him stew. I'm with his beans. Yes you carry on Beryl. I'm
20:33staying here and that's all there is to it. Arthur I'm sorry. Look come on home before it gets dark.
20:41You can't sit out here all night. I shall be worried to death.
20:46I want you to come home. Why? Well for a start you've got to go to work first thing tomorrow morning.
20:56Well go on. Well I I'm
21:00Do you want me to leave? Well you sit down have a glass of champagne.
21:08If I were you Beryl I'd leave him out here. Move house and start again. I'll wait in the
21:14car ready for a fast getaway. Well Beryl you were saying why you wanted me to come home?
21:22Because I'm I love you.
21:39No no Arthur put me down put me down before you get a hernia. I will if I can count on your support.
21:45I thought you were already wearing one. Have you hurt yourself? Oh no no no your father's just
21:50practicing. He wants us to go on a second honeymoon. Together or separately? Yes very funny.
21:57Where shall we go love? Well let's go to where we had our first honeymoon. I don't remember. We
22:01never went out of the hotel did we? Broadstairs. I remember a passionate week in Broadstairs.
22:07Was that you love? I'm sorry I'm sorry love. No I've got a few days off. No I'm not going to work
22:14tomorrow. No I'll book this evening. We'll go first thing in the morning. How are the boys?
22:18Oh they're all right. They're both going to try and get a job. They're not coming back here but
22:21they're going to find some proper accommodation. I took Raymond and Lorraine round to his mother's.
22:25She lives on her own. I must say I've never liked the look of her. No nor did his father that's why
22:30she lives on her own. Anyway I'm moving out tonight dad. I'm going to share a flat with my friend
22:35Leslie. Well I think it'd be better if you two are on your own. Don't mind you being here you know.
22:42Except that occasionally I might get a clean shirt. One with buttons on Beryl. I mean this
22:46one's good and so I can stand it up in the corner of the bedroom at night. Come on I'm sure it's not
22:50been as bad as that. No see these socks I wore those on my first honeymoon. Well with all of us gone dad
22:55you'll have mum's undivided attention. Yes I think I've only had it four times since we were married.
23:02Undivided attention love. You go and put your feet up in the living room. I'll make us a cup
23:07of tea and then I'll ring and book us a bracing week in Broadstairs. We could even go back to
23:11the same hotel if it's still there. No I don't think that's a good idea love. It was so grotty
23:15the management used to pinch towels from the guests. Beryl. Beryl I get the feeling that we can
23:22we can start to enjoy ourselves now just you and me. Kids gone here alone together no problems.
23:28Yeah you know I can't wait to go away just so I can come back again.
23:46Well Beryl that's the best honeymoon I've ever had. You didn't have to keep telling everybody I was your first wife.
23:53Keep you on your toes love.
24:04Oh it's nice to be home. Just you and me. Oh you are lucky.
24:09Oh.
24:11Didn't you have a caseful?
24:15No.
24:24You know it's strange. It's the first time in 24 years I've ever come home to an empty house.
24:29Oh I shall miss the kids not living at home. Oh come on you've done your stint over the years
24:33Beryl. Enjoy the compensations. What compensations? Second honeymoon. Having me all to yourself.
24:40Being able to relax. Take it easy. I think I'll put my feet up while you unpack.
24:45I couldn't mind a beer love if there's one in the fridge and I fancy a round of sandwiches uh
24:50tuna fish tuna fish and lettuce and a slice of cake if there's any left and could you get my
24:54slippers for me love please. These shoes are very tight and I shall need me a grey suit pressed for
24:59the most. It's nice to be home isn't it love? Uh nip upstairs would you and put the electric
25:03blanket on. I think I deserve an early night for a change.
25:09Surprise!
25:11What is going on?
25:14The girls have got together and prepared you a surprise dinner with champagne.
25:18Beryl! Well this is a surprise. Did you have a good time dad? Yeah well yeah we did until now.
25:25Beryl they've arranged a surprise welcome home party with champagne.
25:39Welcome home mum from your second honeymoon with Arthur Crabtree.
25:44A triumph of hope over experience. We've laid this little shindig on to show you how we all
25:49missed you and we just hope you both got the strength left to enjoy it. Furthermore I would
25:55just like... Oh I hope I'm not gonna pay for all this. No no no no we did it on HP. We'll send you
26:00the payment book. Well well all I can say is a great big thank you to you all and as it's getting
26:12late and you'll all be wanting to return to your various abodes I'd like to propose one further
26:18toast to my dear wife Beryl without whom a second honeymoon would have been difficult
26:27but I might manage somehow and to my four grown-up offspring for a most welcome surprise
26:35which is the least we deserve. So here's to you all and to my wife's husband.
26:45Well it is getting late and I've got to go to work in the morning. I never thought I'd hear him say
26:50that. Yes well I think we'd better be leaving.
27:07Nice to have you back. Night everyone.
27:12Good night. Nigel where are you going? To my room to bed. It's been pouring with rain here the last
27:19few days. Dad that whole area we were camping in is a bog. Yeah. And we couldn't stay there long
27:23enough to find our other accommodation but we're looking. But you see with the rain and everything
27:28and my weak chest. Good night dad. Tracy? Oh well Ron decided to move in with Leslie so I had to move out.
27:44See you in the morning.
27:48Good night dad.
27:52Raymond's mother was impossible to live with. Well I warned you.
27:55So we thought we'd come back here and think again. Come on Raymond. Good night dad.
28:04Beryl! All right we'll sort it all out in the morning. Dad? Yeah? Louise
28:13she sleeps on the sofa. She's had a row with her parents you see. All of her? Well
28:19how do you and how do you and mum fancy the idea of becoming grandparents?
29:12you