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00:00🎵
00:28LAUGHTER
00:37Who is in there? Me. I've only been on. I'm just having a bath.
00:40A bath? Tracy, I got up early this morning so I wouldn't have to wait.
00:44Tracy! All right, I heard you!
00:46And you don't need a bath. You're not going to the doctors, are you?
00:49Morning, Dad.
00:51She's not still in there. Tracy, I've been waiting half an hour. Come on!
00:55Get to the back of the queue, Lorraine. I was here first.
00:58What's going on? Tracy's having a bath.
01:00Oh, Tracy! Don't try and muscle in, Belle. There's a queue here, if you wouldn't mind.
01:03Why can't she have a bath at night? She's never here at night.
01:06Oh, I wish we had a second bathroom. What for? I can't even get in the first one.
01:09The Wilsons over the road have had an extension built on their house with an extra bathroom and shower.
01:13Oh, good. Let's all go round the Wilsons, shall we? Back of the queue, Belle.
01:19While we're waiting, Dad, would you mind not using my conditioning shampoo?
01:22I bought it specially and it's nearly all gone.
01:24I have not been using your conditioning shampoo, Lorraine.
01:26Well, it must be you. I've asked everybody else.
01:28Oh, and they all fingered me, did they? Well, I have my own shampoo. The dry flyaway hair.
01:32It's not very effective, then, is it?
01:34Well, I can't tell whether it's effective. Your husband flew off with it.
01:37Raymond nicks everybody's stuff, always leaves the seat up, always leaves the top off the toothpaste,
01:41always squeezes it in the middle. I'd like to squeeze his penis.
01:43More air in the squeeze area. Ah, good.
01:45Raymond! Come out of there immediately! It's my turn!
01:48I can't, Dad. I've got to answer a call of nature.
01:50Well, tell nature to call back. You've got the queue, Raymond.
01:53I've been waiting for half an hour.
01:55I have been waiting. This is my bathroom. Come on out of there, Raymond. That is an order.
02:00I haven't even answered a call of nature yet.
02:02Well, tell nature to call back before I've finished in my bathroom.
02:04Oh, no. Ladies first.
02:06This isn't the ladies. It's the gents.
02:08There's no point. I can't wait. I'll have to go.
02:09Excuse me. Hold it.
02:10I am holding it.
02:11But I haven't finished. I've got to wash my hair.
02:13You've had your turn.
02:14Can I have mine now, please? This emergency will soon be a catastrophe.
02:18Quiet, quiet, quiet. Let's sort this out in order of priority.
02:20Now, how's the bread, Renee?
02:21It's no good. I can't wait for your foregone conclusions.
02:24I'll go downstairs. I'll use the outside loo.
02:26We haven't got an outside loo.
02:28I'll improvise.
02:30Oh, I give up. I'm going to go make the bed.
02:32Oh, you carry on, Dad. I'll go back to bed for an hour.
02:34I'll go make breakfast then.
02:35Well, if you insist. That worked out very well.
02:41Daddy! Phone for you!
02:44What?
02:45Phone!
02:48Yes.
02:54Daddy!
02:55I'm sorry.
02:56Oh, what was that?
02:59Trevor wants a lift to work now.
03:02Who is in there now?
03:03It's only me again. I won't be long, but I've got to wash my hair, Daddy.
03:12You haven't forgotten that Lorraine and Raymond are moving out tomorrow into their new flat?
03:15Forgotten? I'm seriously thinking of sending a congratulations card.
03:18To them?
03:19To us!
03:20Yeah, it's going awfully well, isn't it?
03:21Nigel's gone, Paul's gone, Raymond and Lorraine going today. Marvellous.
03:25Word only leaves, Tracy.
03:26Yes, now then.
03:28What are you doing?
03:29Looking for a flat for Tracy.
03:32How about this?
03:33Girl wanted to share house, £150 a month, 4M1F.
03:36What's that mean, 4M1F?
03:38Four males, one female.
03:40£150 a month. She won't go for that.
03:434M and only 1F. She might go for that.
03:46Yes, we shall soon be on our own, Beryl. Just you and me.
03:49Morning.
03:50And the woman from next door.
03:52Don't get up. I'm not here to borrow anything.
03:55I'm here because I understand you're giving Thing a lift to work.
03:58And I'd be obliged if you'd get a move on.
04:01I'm ready for him to go, Arthur.
04:02And I'd be most grateful if you'd call in as soon as possible and take him away.
04:07Why? What's happened, Vera?
04:10No, I'd rather not burden you with my problems, Beryl. I'd just rather not.
04:16Well, if you absolutely insist.
04:19It's our wedding anniversary today, and he's forgotten it.
04:22Oh.
04:23I never got a card, flowers, nor kiss me elbow.
04:27Fourteen years ago today, I gave him everything I've got. Everything.
04:32For seven and six.
04:35Seven and six?
04:36The cost of the marriage licence.
04:38Then he asked the registrar if there'd be any change.
04:41I know we were hard up there, but I knew that from the start.
04:44When I threw my bridal bouquet to the guests, Trevor nipped out, caught it and flogged it back up a florist.
04:51He forgot our anniversary last year as well. I had to remind him.
04:55He said he hadn't forgotten, he just didn't like to harbour unpleasant memories.
04:59Well, thank you, Vera. Now, if you don't want anything...
05:01You mustn't continually assume it. I come round here to borrow things, Arthur.
05:05This would be a very poor neighbourhood if one couldn't call in on one's friends and tell them of one's life and one's struggle.
05:12In return, expect a little understanding.
05:14A little sympathy, a little reassurance, a little self-raising flower, and a couple of eggs, because I want to make a cake.
05:24Now, it may not have split up.
05:27Possibly just a groomer, you know, gossip.
05:29Oh, well, let's hope so.
05:31Dad! Mum! What are you doing here?
05:33Well, we thought we'd call in, in passing, say a quick hello to Louise and our grandson.
05:38Yes, well, come on in, then.
05:40Wipe your feet.
05:41Hello, love.
05:42Hello, Mum.
05:43Isn't this the sort of place you wipe your feet when you leave?
05:46It's stuffy in here.
05:47Well, it was highly recommended to me while I was living at home.
05:50Who by?
05:51You.
05:52How's Louise?
05:53Oh, fine.
05:54Don't get hysterical, Beryl. She's...
05:56Everything all right, son?
05:57Great, thanks.
05:58Good, good.
05:59Good evening!
06:00Good...
06:01It's not Louise, Beryl.
06:03This is Vanessa. She's got a room next door.
06:05Oh, yeah?
06:06She's just a friend.
06:07A friend, yeah.
06:08I just popped in to do a bit of washing up.
06:10Straighten the place up a bit, you know.
06:12He doesn't cope too well on his own.
06:14Men.
06:15Yes.
06:16I mean...
06:18My parents, they just dropped by in passing, quickly.
06:21They're not stopping.
06:22Hello! How do you do?
06:24I'm happy to meet you.
06:26Where's Louise and the baby?
06:28Well, she... They...
06:29At her parents' at the moment. We've had a bit of a row.
06:31Yes. As I said to Paul, she's being very silly.
06:34But there again, she's very young and immature.
06:36One does what one can. One rises to the occasion.
06:39I'm next door.
06:40And I do try and keep an eye on him for you.
06:42Don't I, Tweakers?
06:43Yes.
06:45Well, that's...
06:46That's very thoughtful, isn't it, Arthur?
06:48Very useful, I should think, Tweakers.
06:51Don't just stand there, Paul, darling.
06:53Get your folks a drink.
06:54No, we're not stopping, actually. I haven't had my dinner, you see.
06:57Now, I understand from your mother that you're thinking of coming home.
06:59Oh, it's quite comfy here. He wouldn't want to put you out.
07:02I'm doing quite all right here, Dad. I don't mind roughing it.
07:05Do stay and have a drink.
07:07In fact, we're having a bit of a party here tonight
07:10to celebrate the anniversary of my divorce.
07:12Just a few friends from here and next door.
07:14Go on. You'd like it. They're a jolly...
07:16Paul adores them!
07:18Hello!
07:20Hi!
07:21Lovely to see you.
07:23On second thoughts, I don't think we can have you roughing it round here.
07:26In the circumstances, Beryl,
07:27I think you'd better go home and prepare his room.
07:29And you can tell your lady friend to hold her party in her own flat.
07:32Come on, Beryl.
07:33Mum!
07:34Bye, love.
07:37I don't understand you, Arthur.
07:39One minute you're insisting that they should all leave home
07:42and the next minute you're insisting Paul should move back in here.
07:44It is a temporary measure, Beryl, to protect him from himself.
07:47He's young and he's stopping here until I've sorted things out.
07:51And don't you confuse the issue. I'm doing this for our grandson.
07:54Mum, Dad, could I have a word with you, please, about Raymond and our new flat?
07:57Where is Raymond?
07:58Well, you know, he found that flat a couple of days ago.
08:00Well, he went round there this evening to finalise it all.
08:03I phoned him up there to speak to him and he wasn't on his own.
08:06A woman answered and I think the phone's in the bedroom.
08:09A woman?
08:10Yes, I think it was that Elsie, that traffic warden.
08:12They were round there together.
08:13Calm down, love. Don't jump to conclusions.
08:15I saw the way she was looking at him, Dad.
08:17Oh, she's probably short-sighted.
08:18Yeah, must be.
08:20I'm surprised at you, Lorraine.
08:22A woman of your intelligence and common sense.
08:24I mean, forget it. Don't worry.
08:25No one, no woman in their right mind could possibly fancy Raymond.
08:28Arthur.
08:29Oh, thank you very much. I married him.
08:33Now look what you've done.
08:35Leave her, Beryl.
08:36Oh, you women don't half take life seriously, don't you?
08:39I was just trying...
08:42What's the matter?
08:46Are you all right sitting here on your own, son?
08:48Yes. Oh, yes.
08:50You had a drink?
08:51That's very kind of you, Arthur.
08:54I have already forced down a couple of sheriffs.
08:58Do you know, Beryl Arthur,
09:01I have been sitting here sinking on the anniversary of my wedding night.
09:07At this time, 14 years ago, do you know what I was doing?
09:11Have you any idea?
09:13Yes, we have, and I don't think we want to hear about it.
09:16No, no, no, no.
09:18I was up to my knees in thick mud,
09:23shoving our caravan into a secluded spot just off the A449.
09:31Honeymoon in a caravan, she said.
09:34By the time I'd shoved it into the field, it weighed a ton,
09:38I was absolutely nearly worn out.
09:43Pushing a caravan into a field on your own?
09:46I had to. The horse had died.
09:50That night, the caravan, that poor animal expiring and...
09:54And you've been flogging a dead horse ever since, haven't you?
09:59I shall go home... Whoo!
10:01I shall go home now, bearing my bouquet.
10:04Nice, aren't they?
10:06Just like the ones in your garden that you used to have.
10:11I shall go and seek sanctuary.
10:14Wend my way through the whippets,
10:17tiptoe through the tomcats
10:19and pussyfoot past the parrots
10:21until I reach Vera, the unassailable.
10:25And there I shall throw myself down at her feet
10:28and beg her forgiveness.
10:30You go do it, Trevor.
10:32And she will gently lift me up
10:35and clasp me to her small white marble's bosom.
10:39And with a hot breath,
10:42with a hot breath,
10:44rippling through my moustache,
10:46she will say those few simple words
10:48that I have come to know so well.
10:51Get off, Trevor, I've got a headache.
10:54Good night.
10:56Oh, Howie, darl.
10:58Let us go and lock ourselves in the kitchen barrel
11:01and bring what's left of my sherry box.
11:03And could I have my dinner, please? I'm starving.
11:06Mum! Dad!
11:08You sure you don't mind?
11:10I've got a couple of days till I get sorted out,
11:12so I'll start tomorrow, OK?
11:14Start what?
11:15Redecorating my old room.
11:16Make it really nice in case Louise and Timothy
11:18decide to come back home.
11:20Or back here, yeah?
11:21Oh, I'll go and give them a hand with these things.
11:23I'll get you dinner later, Arthur.
11:25Don't be too long, Beryl.
11:30Sorry.
11:32That is crazy.
11:33He's been wounded in action, bitten on the bum.
11:36Who did that?
11:37Vera.
11:38You've actually got passionates.
11:40This is your anniversary.
11:42You won't forget that in a hurry, will you?
11:44She set the dog on him.
11:45Look, if you've got nothing better to do,
11:47go and comfort Lorraine, who thinks that Raymond's got Elsie
11:49illegally parked round at their flat.
11:51Failing that, go and have a bath.
11:53You know, Daddy, if you carry on like this,
11:55I may never come home again.
11:56Promises, promises.
11:57Now then, you can sit down, Trevor.
12:00No, I can't.
12:01Oh, but I could manage a medicinal sherry.
12:03Yeah, what was all that about Raymond?
12:05Oh, don't talk to me about Raymond.
12:08Arthur, please.
12:10I am sensitive in that area.
12:12A million potential son-in-laws.
12:14Who do I get?
12:15Raymond!
12:17Daddy was just talking of you.
12:18Hello, Trevor.
12:19Happy anniversary with Dad.
12:21Dad, I'm glad I caught you.
12:23I'd like to say a few words and make a little speech.
12:26Well, thank you for all your kindness, for having me here
12:29and for being a great father-in-law.
12:31In fact, if I ever get married again, I'd even take you with me.
12:35As we're leaving tomorrow and as a memento of all the happy times
12:38that we've shared together,
12:40well, even if you haven't,
12:43Dad, I bought you this.
12:45It's for you.
12:57It's inscribed.
13:01To my dad, love always, Raymond.
13:06Raymond!
13:07Did I hear you call me Dad?
13:10Thank you very much, Raymond.
13:12It works.
13:13I mean, I know it's only made in Hong Kong, but it tells the time here as well.
13:16I'll treasure it, Raymond. Thank you, son.
13:19Dad.
13:20It's a very nice thought, very nice watch.
13:22You earned it, Dad.
13:23And don't worry, I bought it on tick.
13:27Very witty, Raymond.
13:28Oh, thank you, Dad.
13:29Let's have a drink.
13:30Yes, yes. Grab a glass.
13:32All right, I will. And hey, we'll have a toast, eh?
13:34I'm not talking a toast. There's nothing to eat. I'm starving.
13:36So am I. What is it, love?
13:37Is there any sherry trifle?
13:38Me too. I'm hungry. I've been working all day.
13:40This isn't Crabtree's cafe, you know.
13:41No, Dad, it's not. It's Arthur's eatery.
13:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:44There is a living room. She wants a word with you.
13:46Lorraine wants me. Don't go away. I won't be long.
13:48That's right, Vera. He's been around here all evening,
13:50and he left with some flowers for you.
13:52Isn't anybody going to answer the doorbell?
13:54I'm on the phone, dear, to Vera. Where's Trevor?
13:56He's in the kitchen. He's been savaged by a mad dog, badly bitten.
13:59Oh, not on his anniversary.
14:01You could say that.
14:04Yes, now listen. Don't come.
14:06Yes.
14:07Hello again. Sorry it's a bit late.
14:08I just bought some of Paul's things back.
14:10He left them in my machine.
14:12And to ask him if he's coming back to the party.
14:14Well, do come in, won't you? Paul!
14:16I hope you don't mind, Eddie.
14:18I didn't want him to run out of clean underwear.
14:20Vanessa!
14:21Oh, Paul!
14:22Come on in.
14:25She's still got her eye on him, Beryl.
14:26Yeah, all right. Sort it out, Arthur.
14:27And go and talk to Lorraine. She's upset.
14:29All right, dear. I will.
14:30We are not moving into that room, and we are staying here.
14:33It was Elsie who put me on to it.
14:34She's got a room there, and that's all next to ours.
14:36That's why she was there.
14:38Oh, don't tell me you're jealous, Lorraine.
14:41Yeah.
14:44I am staying here with my parents.
14:46Oh, women, eh, Dad?
14:47You and Elsie can go make your own arrangements.
14:49Go talk yourself on her.
14:51Listen, I'm a traffic warden, Lorraine.
14:53It's a job.
14:54At least it keeps me off the streets.
14:56Could you speak up, please?
15:00There's no need to shout.
15:01Yes, Paul is here, Louise.
15:03He's talking to Vanessa.
15:05Don't tell her Vanessa's here.
15:07Vanessa's not here.
15:10Hello, Louise.
15:11Yes, yes, she is here.
15:12She only came round to bring me my underpants.
15:16But no, we're not.
15:17Look, if you don't believe me, Dad will tell you.
15:20I've got everything under control, Louise.
15:22Yes, yes. Just look after the grandson.
15:24Yes, yes, yes. I'll report you later.
15:26Don't worry.
15:27Beryl, is my dinner ready?
15:28Oh, yes, it would be, but for one thing.
15:30What's that, Beryl?
15:31I forgot to turn the oven on.
15:33Right. Trevor, Raymond, Paul, line up behind me.
15:35Yeah, but where are we going?
15:36It'll only take half an hour, Daddy.
15:38That is too late. We are eating out.
15:40Yeah, it is my anniversary.
15:41Follow me, please.
15:42Keep to the left.
15:43Blue shirt!
15:48Oh, it's good here, isn't it?
15:49Yeah.
15:50I like your place, Paul.
15:52I mean, tasty takeaway.
15:54This number 47's quite delicious.
15:56Number 47? What have you got, then?
15:58Prawn balls.
16:01No wonder your marriage is in trouble.
16:05Look, Dad, there is nothing between Vanessa and me, right?
16:08There's nothing between me and Elsie, either.
16:10There's nothing between me and Vera.
16:12Nothing coming between me and this roast pork, I'm famished.
16:16For marriage is nothing.
16:18No, that is incorrect, Raymond.
16:20No. In marriage, there is a choice. It's not just nothing.
16:23No? What choice, then?
16:25Trouble or nothing.
16:27I think us four men should start a new movement.
16:30The Men's Liberation Party.
16:32Yeah, the masculinists.
16:34As opposed to the feminists.
16:36Yeah. Come on, Fred.
16:37Let's start the Male Liberation...
16:39Bradford Council.
16:40The Male Liberation Council for the Bradford Party.
16:43Yeah, it's all right, Raymond, all right.
16:45No woman ever made a fool out of me, Dad.
16:47Who did, then?
16:50Gentlemen, as a man who has been married 14 years today
16:53and who did his best to forget it
16:55and who had also had an altercation with the wife and the dog,
16:58I would just like to say that if you have to choose
17:01between a snarling wife and a savage dog, choose a dog.
17:06It's already got a fur coat and the licence is cheaper.
17:11Shall we go to the pub, then?
17:13There's a ladies' darts match on tonight.
17:15You're not interested in darts.
17:16No, I'm interested in ladies.
17:18Wayne, two in a bed, bullseye, chalk at the score.
17:21Please, Fred, one life, dearest.
17:23Oh, look, women and Vera.
17:27Raymond, Arthur.
17:29Trevor. Vera.
17:30Well, now we've all established who we are,
17:32shall we go to the pub?
17:33Yeah, good idea.
17:34Target!
17:35Trevor, I'm sorry.
17:36I didn't say Goliath on you.
17:38I didn't even know he was out.
17:40Were you bitten?
17:41Yes, thank you, Vera.
17:42Shall we go, men?
17:44Trevor, stop.
17:45Stop being so nonchalant.
17:47You can't be doing this over, Trevor.
17:49I'm sorry, Raymond.
17:50I'm very pleased about your new job.
17:52You'd better bring them home.
17:53I'm not sorry about your supper, Arthur.
17:55Well, thank you, ladies.
17:56Shall we all return home, gentlemen?
17:58Let's go, Tommy.
17:59On behalf of the new male liberation party,
18:02I now call on the members for a show of hands.
18:04All those in favour of going home?
18:06Arthur.
18:07All those in favour of carrying on to the pub, right?
18:10Yeah!
18:12I'd better go with them, Val.
18:13Keep an eye on them.
18:14Oh, Trevor.
18:15Trevor.
18:17Vera.
18:18I'm sorry, my dearest.
18:21Happy anniversary, dear husband.
18:27Are you joining us or not, Trevor?
18:28Go, my love, go.
18:30Enjoy your pint.
18:31Perhaps we ought to go home, Vera.
18:33No, no, it's all right.
18:34You go.
18:35Enjoy your pint.
18:36I'll be waiting.
18:37Trevor.
18:42It'll just be a quick one, Vera.
18:44I know, but it would be better than nothing.
18:47I'll be waiting.
18:49Trevor.
18:50Come on.
18:51Come on.
18:55Oh, you're back.
18:56Mum, he's back from the pub!
18:58Where's Trevor?
18:59Gone home.
19:00His wound was playing him up.
19:02I expect Vera's got to the bottom of it by now.
19:05Oh, you're back, then.
19:07Yes, we're all in, Beryl.
19:08Oh, I'm all in.
19:09What an evening.
19:10How do you know we were round at Paul's?
19:12Oh, Vanessa phoned.
19:13I'm going to bed now.
19:14Oh.
19:15Goodnight.
19:16Goodnight, love.
19:17Well, bedtime, then.
19:18Yeah.
19:19I think everything's sorted out now, Arthur.
19:21We've just come to say goodnight, Mum and Dad.
19:23Everything's all right now.
19:24She was just a bit jealous, weren't you, Freddie?
19:26Not necessarily, Raymond.
19:27I just didn't want to live with Elsie.
19:31No waiting down here.
19:32No, or I'm going to have to book you, eh?
19:34Night, Mum, Dad.
19:35Night.
19:36Thank you for coming out.
19:37Hello, Mum, Dad.
19:38I got a few days off.
19:39I couldn't get away any earlier.
19:40I bet you missed me.
19:41How have things been here?
19:42Leave a questionnaire, son.
19:44I'll try and fill it in during the night.
19:46Is my bedroom still available?
19:48Of course.
19:49Can I borrow the car tomorrow, Dad?
19:50Of course you can, son.
19:51Has he been drinking?
19:53Hello, Nigel.
19:54Hello, Paul.
19:55What are you doing here?
19:56Oh, well, Louise and I have decided to move back for a few days
19:58till we find something better.
19:59She's upstairs putting the baby to bed.
20:01Those furnished rooms, they were awful.
20:03Dad didn't like them much either, did you, Dad?
20:06I'm going to make a bottle for the baby.
20:08It's to keep him quiet.
20:09He tends to cry a bit during the night.
20:11Yeah, so do I.
20:15Night, Dad.
20:16Good night.
20:17Night, Dad.
20:18Good night.
20:19Night, Mum.
20:20Night, love.
20:21Nigel, you forgot the car keys.
20:23He has been drinking.
20:26Oh, we'd better get to bed, Arthur.
20:28Yes, you take the sofa, love.
20:29I'll have this armchair.
20:30There can't possibly be any room upstairs now.
20:32Oh, you are still up good.
20:34Now, I wouldn't have troubled you, but he's very sick.
20:38I think he's got quite a temperature.
20:40Oh, dear.
20:41Yes, I wonder if I could borrow some ice
20:42to bring his temperature down.
20:43We've used up all ours.
20:44Quarrel, Trevor?
20:46Not Trevor, he's fast asleep.
20:47It's Goliath.
20:56Beryl!
20:57Oh, hurry up, Tracy.
20:58Dad's here now.
20:59Do something, Beryl.
21:00But I think you should let your father go first.
21:03No, Beryl, it's a democracy.
21:07The key was under the back doormat.
21:08I'm sorry about this, but I've done it again.
21:10Done what again?
21:11Well, I should have known.
21:12It's always the day after our anniversary,
21:14but I clean forgot.
21:15So she chucked me out again.
21:16Forgot what?
21:17Vera's birthday.
21:18Excuse me.
21:21Beryl!
21:22Beryl!
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