Taskmaster.S18E05
Taskmaster.S18E05
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FunTranscript
00:00I
00:30The answer to the question what if five people squandered the opportunities afforded by parents and education in search of a
00:43demonstrably worthless prize
00:45We're at the halfway point now
00:47Literally any of the five could take the top spot
00:50They need to work hard or like so many of our previous winners come to my dressing room with a suitcase full of quality meat
01:00Papa likes a mixed grill
01:04Let's meet the man desolves man
01:18Next to me a man who confided in me that he considers people who work for the fire service
01:23To be the least intelligent of all emergency staff
01:30It's little Alex
01:36Let's talk on with a price task, what's the category little Alex horn? Well, hey just stop right there mister
01:43Because they've been asked to bring in the thing that is best when you add liquid to it
01:48Jack hmm. What thing have you bought? If you add water to it, it's good
01:52I've brought in a swimming pool. So I think that that's it, isn't it? That's pretty rude one. Yeah, and here it is. Yeah
02:00It's in a box. Wow. I was convinced it was gonna be something funny up there
02:05It's literally just I didn't say it was gonna be funny. I said it's gonna be a swimming pool
02:12Do you want to see proof that it's better with liquid in it that's put the brief here we go
02:19That's how I exercise every morning
02:22I
02:30Was naked impressed and turned up
02:35Andy yes, should I address the fact you've opted to dress as a snooker player today, or should we just sail past it?
02:41Really? It's about a state of mind because I've found myself getting a little irritable in earlier shows
02:46Yeah snooker teaches you when you're not on the table. You just got to sit there and take it
02:52So
02:54I'm just
02:57Just trying to get myself in the right frame of mind Andy what have you brought in that's good when water's in it powdered trampoline
03:04Yes, and he's bought in a product. Yeah, it's powder trampoline. This is the packet
03:13Range of other instant product. Yeah, this is the back of the packet. Here is what else is available
03:18I
03:20Did puppy I did hedge I did powder. Yes, just in case
03:30You've got three crannies backstage, yeah, it's just desiccated grandmother, but it really works. It's wonderful desiccated grandmother
03:36A
03:54Water, okay
04:06Here we go push this
04:17But not much better
04:20Emma Greg. Yes. I've brought in a portrait of you appeals to my ego great
04:26First type of liquid. It's watercolor pencils of the material used so you add liquid to it. It gives a lovely effect
04:32Okay, kind of aquarelle pencils
04:35Secondly the artist was drunk. I
04:39Got my brother pissed
04:42You added liquid to your brother. Yes and made him do a portrait of you. Are you ready to see the portrait?
04:47It's promising. I've got a say
04:53Do you want to see what he achieved sober to just give you a comparison?
04:57Yes, I just would like to enjoy the accuracy. Yeah of my three big testicles
05:05That water is this
05:08Let's go back to piss three balls liquid
05:13Emma this is your strongest showing. Yeah, good. Thank you. Good. Really good. All right Oh Baba
05:20Take your mind back to your childhood. Okay, you're sitting at home. Okay, right? Yeah
05:24And now your mom's just like would you like some dessert just for a second? I thought you said your mom's a slag
05:29I
05:31Would not say that to you. All right, Greg. Yeah, just take it cost your mind back in the day
05:35You're sitting at home and your mom's just like
05:51Bubba's brought in jelly powder
05:53You're in the garden you're running around yeah, one of your parents
05:57Calls you in and she's just like
06:06I've got jelly and ice cream for you. What's your reaction all I can think is just to say
06:13Thank you, mom
06:15Should I call this guy uncle as well?
06:17Thank you, mom should I call this guy uncle as well
06:24The times come Greg, all right
06:25Well, I'm gonna give Baba one and I'm sorry about that because I do like jelly
06:29But I think Rosie's made a good point
06:31You can be cheeky with a balloon and who doesn't like being cheeky one to Baba two to Rosie. Yes. Okay
06:37I'll congratulate Jack on keeping himself in shape and I'll give him three points three points for the swimming pool
06:42Four to Andy five to Emma. There it is
06:47Please Alex
06:49Mm-hmm, right on Greg and it's time to blow the budget again. Oh because we've got an actual AI robot from Midhurst
07:17Oh
07:32No
07:38Hi Alex
07:42Robert
07:45Your name is robot Robert
07:54Cheers oh, sorry you hi
08:09Direct the robot to its charging station and plug it in
08:15You must give the robots an instruction every 10 seconds
08:19The robot will ignore any instructions that contain the letters O or E
08:26You may not touch
08:31Fastest wins your time starts now. Okay. This sounds like a total pain
08:37You
08:43Think sometimes you've lost a bit of the joy of life even when you came in everyone else went Oh a robot and you went
08:49Hello, Alex
08:52Well, I wrote down Emma's response to the robot was odd ask her to explain it it's
08:58What would you call it? Oh God platonic arousal. Oh
09:03the old pH
09:05It's like the opposite of a phobia so I love like mascots
09:10Mr. Blobby, you're like the things that so petrol garages. Yeah
09:15Absolutely. Love them big
09:17stupid things
09:26Okay, I guess we should begin with a bit of Android Andy and robot Rosie here we lovely it's a charging station in here
09:35Hey
09:38Is it worth leaving this room lots of O's lots of E's turn this way
09:49Is the charging station on you somewhere
10:05Turn yeah, that's so simple. Don't touch the robot sing
10:16I really need a charging right charging station
10:25Eat eat this
10:29Oh
10:31Oh shit, I find
10:54Stop star jumps
11:02I have a look outside
11:24Instruction
11:32Right, this is why we shouldn't trust technology
11:47Oh
12:02It's it
12:07I would tell you welcome, but they would be hollow hollow words
12:20When I thought
12:21Nail this task you walk the robot away from the charging station and made it stand on a piece of cardboard
12:32No, it looked like a piece of cardboard
12:39Andy yes, the only words I could make out were star jumps. I heard yeah, and then when you go outside
12:47fucking cock
12:49Just trying to stay calm here Greg
12:52Okay time for Alex to stop for a few minutes of mindfulness. Close your eyes breathe deeply
13:01Oh
13:17Yeah safe and sound here sure but not so safe in the house Greg because there's a bloody robot on the loose three people left
13:23It's Emma Bubba and Jaka
13:26Charging station walk
13:29Walk at charging station. Why?
13:36Okay, this way
13:42This way
13:50Laugh
13:54Walk at charging plug
14:00Find
14:03Plug find plug
14:13Laugh
14:17This way this way
14:29I
14:32Found it
14:34Okay
14:36Stay stay. I mean you're useless at this
14:44This way this way
14:52Crawl
14:59Okay
15:07Wait, there must be some must be out here
15:15Move walk walk. Where's this charging pool?
15:24Turn lady turn lady small small walk
15:29at cease
15:33Wait
15:36Pursuit turn
15:40This way this way stairs stairs stairs
15:49Wait follow
15:59Pursuit quick
16:07Wait turn wait
16:22You're welcome
16:29The only task where I was gonna I don't feel good saying this oh my god, this is so not my character
16:35I'm gonna floor that robot
16:38Didn't come across at all didn't because I hide it so well Jack's you enjoy that you looked quite annoyed by the robot
16:45It was annoying. I'd forgotten which vows you can use but you settled on one instruction in the end to shoot which is
16:51Quite strange it is it is but it did work actually it did work
16:55Jack really laughed hard when the robot revealed his charging station was near his bottom
17:01You want the times tell me sometimes well Andy 21 minutes Rosie
17:051640 Jack was 9 minutes 3 seconds Bubba 7 minutes 39, but Emma 6 minutes 56 5 points
17:15What's that done for the scores Alex well, I can tell you this she's not won an episode yet
17:19She's the only one who hasn't but Emma is in the lead with 10 point
17:26I
17:29Can tell you I'm afraid the cast have created quite the stink
17:48Sorry, sorry. Hello Emma. Hello. How are you?
17:56Hi Alex, it's good to see you using the bat finally. We never know do
18:07Right
18:08There's strong great smell the strongest smell
18:14You must seal your smell in this jar and the taskmaster will open it in the studio
18:21You have 20 minutes
18:23Your time starts now
18:28The fire in it
18:32I'm sorry
18:38Make the strongest smell. Okay. Yeah, so stronger smell but not nastiest smell. There could be a nice smell
18:46Right. Well, I'm gonna go and look I mean, there's one of these air fresheners here if that
18:52If that's really got a battery in it if that's just constantly squirting stuff out
18:57I don't want to ming him out. Do you know what I mean?
19:08We're gonna make magic heroes
19:13Bit of science going on there by the looks of it growing. Yeah meant to be growing. We'll let it grow if it wants to grow
19:21Oh
19:27What do you think can you smell it yet? It's quite subtle in it
19:43Let's shake it
19:51My man
19:53No, I don't mind it I can
19:58Well, I can take it or leave it
20:01It's not that strong. He's gonna have the shock of his life, but I
20:06Think that one's that one's a bit stronger
20:10You are putting in some things that get rid of stubborn smells. Oh, I hadn't really thought that
20:14That's
20:16Probably the best idea anyone would have had is everyone else to be going out finding smelly stuff to put in the jar
20:21Oh, yeah, not me. No, I'm a I'm in my own league
20:26That's for you my guy you finished. Yeah, okay. Oh
20:32That's coming up lovely. Where's my greater?
20:35Yeah
20:39It's quite nice, it's not doesn't smell of anything does it you're gonna need to seal it up in the next four seconds
20:46All right
20:50Can I shake it I'm not sure that's why right
20:52As
20:58If by magic this has appeared underneath each pictured sheath is their jar the thing is so Greg
21:04Do you think some people are more observant than others? Yes. Well, I do want to show you this
21:08All right
21:10Make the strongest smell. Oh, oh
21:15You must smell your smell in the studio before the taskmaster smells your smell
21:21If you refuse to smell your smell the taskmaster will not smell your smell and you will receive zero points
21:28so that to sort of
21:31discourage poohs
21:34No, we didn't put that to discourage poohs you can still put poo in it if you want
21:42Should probably say this one we have run this by
21:45Lawyers and scientists
21:47And they do say when smelling the jars, it shouldn't be a deep breath a shortish sniff is the best option
21:53They also shouldn't be sticking their nose right into the glass jar. It is just strongest smell. That's all we want strongest, right?
21:59So it doesn't have to be fabulous
22:14I'm really excited
22:19As he called it eggy milky cheesy surprise
22:22The only surprise is gonna be as well as puking. Am I gonna shit myself?
22:28Let's start with a person who knew the right thing to do so Emma, please step behind your sheath
22:34So what you're gonna do Emma is unsheath your jar and then put your sheath
22:39It's clearly a cardboard box you're gonna you're gonna put your picture sheath behind your jar
22:45Lovely and then pop your jar on top of your picture sheath. That's perfect
22:48That should be about the right height and angle sheath jar sniff sniff and shut
22:55That was bloody strong
22:59Thank You Emma, all right, this is gonna set the bar it's perfume tea and fruit
23:09At best mild
23:16Genuinely spa-like I feel relaxed. Okay, bubba. You're up next
23:21I
23:35Couldn't say we didn't know if he'd breathed in or out there, but I think we know
23:40I thought Bubba was disappointed initially and then I thought his eyes were actually going to come out
23:48Yeah
23:51I
23:56Felt that broke through
24:01That was unpleasant Emma's was like wandering around a Laura Ashley show
24:07Let's stop for a break and to counteract the mindless consumerism you're about to watch some Shakespeare if thou wert my fool
24:15I'd have thee beaten for being old before thy time
24:18How's that?
24:20Thou should not have been old till thou hadst been wise. Oh
24:25Let me not be mad not mad sweet heaven. I would not be mad
24:31Keep me in temper
24:36Right you can come by an airfryer now
24:50Oh
24:54And more jars of waiting to be opened remember it's the strongest smell we're after so here we go with our next one
25:01Shall we see if Jones comes up smelling of rosies?
25:05We do need to say with the next three if you could not be quite as close to
25:20Oh
25:25Ten moments on the line and now you can go
25:51Well, it's been airtight for 14 weeks, oh, yeah, you're right not to trust I think
25:57And the reason I'm dragging this out a bit is I'm just want to wait to see if you puke up
26:12This is about fire. Yeah. Oh my god. I actually think this smells less than the name as flower shop
26:20Oh
26:23Okay, well it's it's Jack next with his air freshener
26:26We do have to read a word of warning about this highly pressurized jar
26:29First of all do not ingest avoid contact with eyes skin and clothing avoid breathing gas avoid breathing vapor or mist use only with adequate
26:36Ventilation good luck Jack
26:44Okay
26:51Popped all right lively in it. Yeah
26:55Well, it smells like a disgusting air freshener it's coming here straight away, yeah
27:01There it is. Yeah. Did you get the cool elegance of fine linen? Oh
27:11That is unpleasant, oh that's like my nan's come back to life
27:21Okay, one left finally, oh that's made me feel a bit funny
27:29Okay, one left finally with a blend of mouthwash deicer oven cleaner raspberry bath pearls stain remover malt vinegar cider vinegar
27:36Moisturizing cream vague alcohol liquid grated wellies hair wax eight dishwasher tablets flowers a brain candle sardines and a goblin fart
27:44It's Andy's Osman
27:51Oh
28:01Count to three
28:16That's that's how I'm gonna remember you
28:21Oh
28:23Get fucked
28:33That is unholy actually
28:35Really unusual really unusual mix, but I'm not marking it on grossness. I'm marking it on strength
28:40I know strength of smell your delicious yogurty breakfast barely smells at all. Yeah, so that's one point to Rosie. I'm afraid so. Yeah
28:49Next up it was Emma's delightful stroll through the countryside. Yeah. Yeah, so two to Emma
28:54Yeah
28:55How do you take that and then in terms of strength?
28:57If there were style points Andy would win because it's one of the worst smells I've ever smelled but in terms of the power
29:04the power
29:05Andy would be three points. Oh
29:07And then a Baba's marmite and coffee would be four and the most powerful smell if that's what I'm judging on strength of smell
29:14Which it is would be Jack T. Well, there we go five points
29:18I
29:23Bear my second of the task, please Alex and finally
29:43Hello
29:45Alex you're right. Yes. I am. Yeah, nice to see you both good matching outfits
29:54So open it yeah, you have to all right you well adequate
30:01Present the most heartwarming
30:05Final story for the local news
30:11To program you have half an hour and your story must last no more than two minutes your time starts now
30:19How's this story?
30:21Got to be true
30:25What do you want to go and do some actual journalism?
30:28Yeah, you could just go go out there and find your person find a person
30:35It could be barbecuing some actual hearts. That would be literally our woman
30:40Something in it. It's usually that thing, you know, and finally a baby panda has been born
30:49Not everyone likes babies that much
30:53Stuff for more, you know, they're more heartwarming, aren't they? Yeah
30:57Local animal that's given birth birth is always, you know, both is good
31:02What if given birth to something on unexpected the gerbil that gave birth to a car?
31:06Well, the news broadcast starts in 27 minutes
31:19Get asked to think of a heartwarming story Zaltzman says what if we burn a heart and
31:25Jack D crashes it with not everyone likes babies
31:28Let's see these news teams in action. Okay, it's time to switch over now to Croydon today with Anna Baba and Emma
31:36Unfortunately, the largest of the crocodiles is still at large and
31:40Finally some heartwarming local news now, we meet the local woman who is potentially about to become the oldest winner of the Tour de France
31:48Mrs. Isabella Cratchington is on track to win the coveted yellow jersey
31:52We join our cycling correspondent go go Jenkins as he finds out how she's getting along go go
32:00Go-go go go Jenkins. Are you there?
32:05Go-go, mate
32:07Go-go. Hi Sophie
32:09Yes
32:09I'm here at the Champs-Elysees in Paris where the atmosphere is
32:13Tense as we await what could potentially be the oldest person to compete and win the Tour de France now
32:19This tournament has been falling ups and down. Oh
32:22I can confirm Isabella is our new champion now
32:26There will be doping checks which in this case she most likely will fail. Hi
32:31The winner of the Tour de France Isabella Crackington Isabella, what was your strategy well to get to the end
32:39In a shorter time than everyone else now Isabella. I have to ask you. What are your thoughts on performance enhancing drugs in this competition?
32:47Well, I would say it's never been proved. That's it. There's no proof. It's here say and it's fine
32:55Thank you very much back to you at the studio
32:58Go-go, I know that woman and I know for a fact that she should not be there
33:06That's all from us. Have a lovely weekend and do remember that the new volcano will erupt on Saturday at 7 p.m.
33:20Andy was very you were sort of very inspired by this story. And yeah, I've taken up road cycling
33:26I've won the Tour de France myself. I think that Isabella Cratchington looks younger than Andy
33:38Probably their blood doping
33:40We don't generally see real news anchors going there's more I could tell you about that, but I won't
33:48But they do say with their eyes Greg
33:51Definitely
33:52I'm just not looking hard enough
33:54Well, not a bad start should have a break and then see the other one
33:57Okay in the final part of the show the usual quality of prizes are there to be won jelly powder and some desiccated
34:04Trampoline or as my nan liked to call it ration book trifle
34:21Oh
34:25Where there are some local news stations wrapping up their shows with a final heartwarming story bang on big bum and we end
34:35Anchor Jack D and his roving reporter Rosie Jones
34:40Makes you think doesn't it people like that make me sick
34:44Finally viewers may recall the story of Harold the lonely hedgehog who was found at a bus stop in Lewisham
34:51Crying real tears of loneliness many of you viewers have been in touch asking for an update on Harold's progress
34:58And I'm happy to report that Rosie Jones our roaming reporter has some heartwarming news Rosie
35:14I'm doing the real work
35:18Harold the hedgehog has met a friend
35:25Harold and Rosie have bonded
35:28and with a mutual love of leaves, mud and crickets
35:39Back to our own
35:42Prickly hedgehog in the studio
35:47Yeah, thanks, Rosie. Not sure. I'm really actually that prickly, but anyway. Thank you for joining us
35:54I hope you found that a heartwarming story. I know we certainly did
35:57Thanks to Rosie Jones there out in the field join us again same time tomorrow on lookout
36:02I'm Jack D, and that's all that matters
36:05Me prickly
36:11I
36:15Couldn't really get past is the joke right at the top where Alex Horne is shown and there's some suggestion that
36:23Alex is an on-the-run sex comment
36:28And I enjoyed that joke very much, but then when I saw the news anchor I did think there was some degree of irony
36:35I
36:38Have that man arrested based on looks alone
36:42There seemed to be some sort of tension between your two characters Rosie
36:46Yeah, basically I've been wanting Jack's job for years
36:53But I won't fucking retire
37:00No idea there was such a complicated dynamic
37:05Is is is a program where two people have to work together every day, but absolutely loathe each other
37:11I can't remember I got the idea from
37:15That's all a smoke screen mmm we are lovers
37:24Enjoyed them both yeah, I think there's one point in between the two teams, okay
37:28I preferred the old lady all right how many points you want to give that team for and this team three done there we go
37:36I
37:42Okay well in the series
37:44It's tight just 12 points separating the fire with them Rosie's on 67 Emma 72 and he also 72 Bubba's in second place in 75
37:52Jackson lead on 79 at the money
37:57Today's leaderboard she's still in the lead now on 16 points Emma Sidney's in first place
38:06Sucking stuff, okay, please head up to the stage
38:18Who's reading the task out today Ronnie O'Sullivan and his old man
38:23Land your skydiver closest to the seal you must catapult your skydiver with the catapult
38:31Furthest from the target each round is eliminated last player standing wins
38:37Okay, first up. She's in the lead. It's Emma City. Please approach
38:53That's in the second red not bad Jack D's up next good luck my friend
38:57Ah
38:59French resistance
39:10Jack is safely through to round two next up Bubba. Good luck. I love lovely action. Whoa
39:17He's going for it
39:26The commitment to holding the cues saltzman
39:39You're in trouble unless Rosie Jones does worse good luck Rosie
39:46You won't say I'm gonna be
39:54Fucking
40:09It's Emma up first, of course Emma, please reappear my all to play for for Emma City lovely
40:17lovely
40:24The little man actually on the seal it's unbelievable most
40:47Oh, but you're up next if you want to approach the catapult
40:53Very flat. Oh, that's controversial
41:08Well, you've got a chance Rosie you've got a not hit an audience member to get through to the next round
41:14Here bro, right? Yeah, I'm gonna kill you
41:20Die with the eye out
41:32I know it's round three if you get through this you're in the final right? Come on man doing this for the brunettes
41:44I
41:46Form from you were on the wood master
41:50Jack you're on next good luck Jack
41:57That's gamesmanship, I'm sorry
42:02Put his legs first. Yeah
42:13I
42:16Will you join a tense
42:18Oh
42:40And if you want to beat me a disabled girl
42:49I
42:51Do you so is it compassion or victory that's more important to Jack? Let's find out
43:18I
43:27Think blue first peel blue. Yeah. Oh my god. There he is just on the edge of red
43:34I
43:47Exhilarated and I feel a little bit guilty after the exchange
43:52But you know, but I had to I it was game, you know game on was that's that's taskmaster. Take a break this taskmaster
43:58Take their presents
44:02Would you like to see the scoreboard obviously well because of what Jack did Rosie's come last
44:10And Jack is at the top of the leaderboard joined with Emma City on 19 points
44:23I know Greg. Yes, and this one was an easy one
44:25All they had to do was work out how many days old I will be on Christmas Day
44:312024 they had to make eye contact with me the whole time and could only give one answer the closest to the correct answer wins
44:38Here's how they both got on. Hi contact
44:42Okay
44:43You're 45. You're 33. Yes fine. So what year were you born? When do you think I was born?
44:50Oh, come off it just answer the question. I think you're born on Christmas Day, right?
44:54right for the Christmas, so nine times three six five is
44:593,000 and then I'm gonna have that
45:031,500 what that's like nothing. I think you're
45:0952 really? Yes, I do. What's wrong with that? I was born in 1978 1978. Hmm. Yes. How are you now this year?
45:16It's a simple question. Sure. Yeah
45:1845 now 45 now look at me you thought you're 45
45:22All right
45:2517,223
45:27No, there's no way there's no I can do that without a calculator. Okay. I mean, I'm actually I'm actually giving up
45:34No, I've given up
45:47Coming out the gate you had the aggression of a 1970s policeman
45:52I just couldn't have a Mac at the time
45:55I couldn't have imagined it was ever gonna matter and then when you realize it matters so much
46:01So very much. So the actual answer was
46:0517,538 Emma was 293 days out. She wins because Jack gave up. There we go
46:19Your liquids hungry
46:23What have we learned today sometimes on Taskmaster
46:26We learn profound things about life and sometimes those profound things are short
46:32Succinct sweet for example today. We just learned my mom's a slag
46:39But halfway to the final and the winner of the night to mark the occasion is the incredible
46:52You
47:16You