Video Information: with BITS Hyderabad, 28.03.2022, Greater Noida, India
Context:
~ Is there difference in between Buddha's teaching and Vedanta?
~ What are Anatma and Aham?
~ What is maya in Buddha's teaching?
~ Why should we respected to our elders?
~ What is the true meaning of Respect?
~ Whom to Respect?
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
#acharyaprashant
Category
📚
LearningTranscript
00:00My question was, we often hear the notion that we should respect elders. But when it
00:07comes to the elders, for example, in my family, every family has some sort of problems. And
00:13I get to know some things about them. After that, I don't feel like I should respect them
00:17because those actions weren't right. So, if I don't respect them, the society hates me
00:23and I get scolding for that. But if I do respect them, I feel bad. So, shouldn't we respect
00:29behavior instead of just respecting elders? And is the notion that we should always respect
00:35elders correct? What do you mean by respect, first thing? Like talking politely, talking
00:43properly. No, talking politely and talking properly is something you should anyway unconditionally
00:56do, right? Even if you are talking to a crime convict, you do not want to be particularly
01:07impolite, do you? So, politeness and property, these are not things that are first of all
01:22dependent upon something else. And secondly, these are not very intimately connected to
01:31respect. What is respect? Respect is having a genuine appreciation inside me of that person.
01:43I feel… Valuing that person highly? Valuing that person highly, but after knowing such
01:50things… So, it's alright, it's alright. If you clearly see that a fellow has very
01:58little that can be highly valued, there is no compulsion at all to accord a high importance
02:08or high value to him or her. There is no need at all. We need to probably widen or deepen
02:18the question a little. Before I assess or value somebody, do I first of all know for
02:30myself what is valuable? Because you see, you too are demonstrating your value system
02:40when you say that if you do not respect people, elders in particular, then you are frowned
02:50at or looked down upon. So, you are valuing something here. What are you valuing? You
02:57are valuing acceptance and you do not want to lose that acceptance, hence you are raising
03:06this question. Do you see what I am saying? You are saying there are people who do not
03:12deserve your respect, so you do not demonstrate respect. When you do not demonstrate respect,
03:17then a lot of people do not look at you favorably. They think you are some kind of a rascal or
03:26renegade and you do not like that, hence this question. Now, you value the fact or the possibility
03:39that you need to be liked, accepted and loved and when that love or acceptance is withdrawn
03:48by the others because they think that you are being disrespectful to elders, you do
03:53not like it. So, here it is a demonstration of your own value system. What does your value
04:01system say? It is valuable, it is important to be liked and accepted by others. Otherwise,
04:12if you are just being true to your own independent honest assessment of people, then why do you
04:20need to worry about how the people will respond once you honestly demonstrate what you think
04:30of them? Are you getting it? Let us learn what is valuable in life and behaviors containing
04:44basic etiquette or politeness, courtesy. They should not be dependent on what a person's
04:58worth is, irrespective of the worth of a person. Just by the dent of being a human being, everybody
05:08deserves some consideration, basic politeness. So, that I suppose you could grant unconditionally.
05:19But when it comes to other things in life, you must have a very, very solid standard
05:26of values, solid and universal in the sense that there should be no double speak, no hypocrisy.
05:39The same yardstick you use to measure your own worth must be applied to others as well.
05:50You cannot hold yourself in high esteem and look down on others if you and the others
05:58are fundamentally the same. What is worth valuing in life? Be it an elder, a younger
06:12one, a professor, a peon, doesn't matter. What is it that you want to value in life
06:22from what you have said, from your rebellious expression? There is one great thing I could
06:30gather. First of all, age is not the fundamental determinant of value. You cannot say somebody
06:41has age on his side, her side, therefore he deserves to be valued. It's not so arithmetical.
06:54Otherwise, at the age of 20, you just need to wait to let your age multiply and the day
07:04you become 60, you are already thrice as respectable. That sounds foolish, right? So,
07:13age cannot be a determinant. What else can be used to determine the worth of a person?
07:22It's usually the behaviour, the actions, how they interact with people, how they go
07:32about their life. Can we get deeper into that? For example, if there is a 20 year old person
07:46who works in NGOs, who does a lot for society, who has a really positive way of talking to
07:52everybody and is polite to me, I would respect him a lot. But, may I just, but we just said
08:00that politeness is something we must anyway unconditionally extend to everybody. So, politeness
08:09really cannot be a strong determinant. What can be a clear determinant or a set of determinants?
08:18How do we know somebody is actually respectable? He is kind and I think basic kindness.
08:30Kindness. So, that's a good one, nice. See, the moment you start going deeper into it,
08:38you will fumble and struggle a little. So, that's alright. In fact, that's a good indicator
08:43that now you are probing something new. When you probe something new, then you cannot come
08:49up with quick ready-made answers. So, you will struggle a little and that is great.
08:55So, you said kindness. Kindness is a great thing. Some people also call it compassion,
09:01wonderful. So, you respect someone according to her depth of compassion and you look for
09:11that. And that is not always visible in behavioral patterns of the kind we are used to. Because
09:20you have used the term behavior three or four times, hence I am emphasizing. Compassion
09:28is something subtle. It sits in the heart. Behavior can be manipulated. You can design
09:39your behavior to make it look respectable, to make it look kind. But behavior that exudes
09:52a figure, a semblance of kindness need not actually be arising from a point of kindness.
10:03But we all know what kindness looks like. Therefore, it is easy to put on behavior that
10:11looks like kindness. So, you are on the money when you say that kindness is valuable. But
10:21you must also strive to know what real kindness is. And kindness is not always of the face
10:33that you see in the movies or in fiction or in general culture. In general, how do you
10:45spot a kind person? For example, there is a dog on the road and he is hurt. So, somebody
10:56is giving him biscuits or like taking him to the hospital if he is sick or helping people
11:03around them. Right, great. So, let's extend this example. So, this fellow picks up the
11:08dog, takes him to the example and the doctor says the dog is weak. The dog is weak. So,
11:15this fellow goes and gets fresh chicken to feed the dog. Now, what happened to your example?
11:31I understood how like, understanding how a person is kind or not is a very broad thing.
11:37It's not that easy to judge a person. Right. So, behavior can be deceptive. Patterns can
11:45be put on. We as intelligent beings must take care not to be deceived by patterns and behaviors
11:56and such superficial things. Right. So, kindness is one thing. What else do you think is valuable
12:05in life? I am struggling to find something right now. But then you are very eager to
12:18take away respect from people without knowing what is respectable. What the context that
12:27I had behind the question was, for example, there is a person in my family who abused
12:33me as a child and now… So, now here you already know what is not respectable. What
12:42is not respectable? Like abusing someone and… Broaden that, broaden that, being exploitative.
12:51So, you have someone in front of you who is not strong enough or developed enough to resist your
13:03gruesome advances and you are taking advantage of the kid's position, need not necessarily be a kid.
13:13Could be an animal, could be a grown-up, could be a 90-year-old disabled woman and doesn't want
13:25to take care of her, rather is seeking part of her, let's say property. It's much the same thing,
13:33no? Being exploitative. So, being exploitative is not good. If someone is exploitative, we
13:44have no obligation to value that person highly. This is called having inner clarity. Otherwise,
13:55we all have just a haze of feelings. So, we roughly know, we vaguely know, but there is no clarity.
14:04So, now you have some clarity on that. If somebody is exploitative, I will not respect him, irrespective
14:17of his designation, age, relationship to me, whatever. Equally, if being exploitative is so
14:30disrespectful, what is it that deserves respect? What is the opposite of being exploitative?
14:39Being generous, being large-hearted, being magnanimous. If I see someone of that kind,
14:56then I will offer my unconditional respect. But the thing is tricky. Seeing kindness,
15:08I am repeating, is not always simple, because kindness will not always take the forms we are
15:19used to. Equally, exploitation will not always take the forms we are used to. The form that you
15:31are referring to is very obvious, very gross. A kid being exploited by an elder. Here it is obvious
15:41what is happening. But then there are far more numerous and subtler, very hidden ways of being
15:52exploitative. And we don't even detect exploitation taking place. And so we continue to offer respect.
16:00So, to determine who is respectable, what is respectable, one needs to be attentive to life.
16:13Otherwise, your respect and disrespect will all come from a nebulous point within. A vague kind
16:22of feeling. You will just feel this person is not good. And you will say, this is my intuition or
16:29instinct. But that's no good. You need to have clarity, not intuition or instinct. Intuitions
16:36and instincts are for animals. They have nothing but instincts. As human beings, we need intelligence,
16:43not instincts. So, you need to think about these things. Before we close, maybe a couple of more
16:56examples of things or traits that are respect worthy. Some people who distribute stuff among
17:08like young kids and the people who work in Anganwadis, the people who like sponsor education
17:16for children who are not able to do that on their own. And people who help others with, people with.
17:25You are very nicely covering that dimension, the dimension of kindness. Can we move a little to
17:35the other dimensions as well? I can't think of something.
17:49So, you have a batchmate who has come from a very remote and ill-served part of the country,
18:04from a disadvantaged section of the society. And he could still somehow clear the entrance exam
18:15and make it to your place, your campus. And then there is someone who is coming from a metro city,
18:24from a good affluent upper middle class family, had the benefits of all kinds of training and
18:34coaching and good food and vehicles and what not. You see what I am going towards?
18:44The difference between their lifestyle?
18:49Yes. So, what really is respectable? That's what I want to come to.
18:56I am a bit confused right now.
19:04The heart to strive against odds, for obviously a just cause, that is respectable.
19:19Not so much one's place in life, but the odds one conquered to come to that place.
19:30Are you getting it? Typically, students who come from these far-flung places do not belong very well to the campus.
19:46They remain on the margins, because their culture is different.
19:59They do not get that much of acceptability and respect.
20:05Whereas, if you think clearly, those are the ones who deserve greater respect.
20:17Because fighting against challenges is something we must value. Do you agree?
20:25Yes, I definitely agree on that.
20:28Someone who gets things easily in life is alright. We have no bridges.
20:34But someone who fought his way against difficult odds to achieve something worthwhile
20:48is surely someone who deserves a salute.
20:53So, have an eye for that.
20:57And often it also happens that such students at least initially do not perform very well in the campus.
21:05So, if you just look at their performance, they will probably belong to the middle rungs or even to the lower strata of grades.
21:19But one of them, having a CGPA of 6 or 6.5, is probably doing better than a Delhiite or Mumbiker having a CGPA of 8 or 9.
21:37How does it work in your campus? Is it CGPA percentage?
21:40It's CGPA.
21:42CGPA, on a scale of 10.
21:44So, where you are is not always a very definite indicator.
21:54Just as we said that your behavior itself is not a very definite indicator.
21:58Similarly, your place too is not a very definite indicator.
22:02You have to see where the thing is coming from, be it the behavior or the person.
22:08Where is the person coming from?
22:10Now, coming from a point like that, if that person could perform this way, then I value this.
22:20I respect this.
22:25Then there is a word called conviction.
22:31Being true to oneself.
22:41There is hardly anybody who does not know anything about life.
22:47Or there is hardly anybody who is totally wrong in his or her view of life.
22:56None of us are totally right either.
23:00But at least some measure of goodness we all have.
23:06The idea of goodness that is.
23:08We know what goodness is like.
23:10And still we fail to live up to our own concept of goodness.
23:19We know what is right.
23:20We know what is valuable.
23:23And yet we do not act as per our own standards.
23:30So conviction, which is very intimate to integrity, is something very, very valuable.
23:40Is this person living up to herself?
23:45We are not talking of standards set by others.
23:47We are talking of your own inner standards.
23:51Are you true to yourself?
23:55If you do not know a thing, it is probably alright.
24:00You are ignorant.
24:02But the problem with most people is not so much in their ignorance.
24:09It lies in their lack of integrity, hypocrisy.
24:17You know and yet you do not live that way.
24:22So have an eye for that.
24:25See who is living his life as per his truth.
24:32I am not talking of the absolute truth here.
24:34I am talking of your own truth.
24:37There is nobody who has no concept, no personal concept of the truth.
24:44My personal concept is often flawed, I agree.
24:47But it does exist.
24:49It does exist and is very useful.
24:51It is useful because it helps you move beyond itself.
24:55But only if you first of all live up to your concept of truth.
25:02Most people do not do that.
25:04See that.
25:07See that and when you find it somewhere, do not hold yourself back.
25:17Then there is a thing called depth of love, which is sincerity.
25:24Being attracted towards something, somebody, some ideal, anything is one thing.
25:30And remaining true to it over long periods against challenges is another thing.
25:40Now can you spot that and respect that?
25:49Yes, wonderful.
25:51Then there is courage.
25:54Even if you know what is the right thing to do, there is always a price to pay.
26:01And most people just do not have the integrity to pay the price.
26:10The audacity to give up on their established and comfortable patterns of life.
26:24And where you find someone heartfully paying the price, respect that.
26:33It is no mean thing.
26:36It requires a lot and very few people live up to their love.
26:49So these are the things, rather some of the things that are valuable.
26:54And wherever you find these, it is time to bow down, to get close and to learn.
27:05Of what use is respect if it just involves token behavior?
27:15You go to someone and say, oh I respect you so much and you fold your hands or you offer obeisance, does not mean much.
27:24The moment you say you respect something or somebody, it is then incumbent on you to first of all get close.
27:35If something is worthy enough, why are you still distant?
27:39Get close and learn.
27:42Get close to rise.
27:45If something is respectable, it is higher than you.
27:49If it is higher than you, use that thing to get higher.
28:04Anything more you want to add to it?
28:07No, this actually gave me a lot of clarity.
28:11My concept of respect was quite short and it broadened.
28:15I am glad.
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