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AmusantTranscription
00:00Free will, man's most potent mirage. Do I have the free will to turn this desert into an ocean of tombs?
00:11Allow that I should weave thee a tale of a land angel, a sand seeker who perchanced upon a crossroads.
00:19He stood at the fork, awash in the feculent knowledge that which path he chose would brand his life evermore.
00:26He opened the ear of his soul's eye to providence, unwilling to move until he was sure which direction was holy most.
00:33Finally, he felt a cosmic hand guiding him to the path.
00:38On the left, left, left, left, left...
00:44Hey freak, we don't got no weirdos in our town.
00:49Damn, so damn, before I make you taste pain.
00:56Dead? What do you see? What's the afterlife look like? What visions?
01:07He's dead. Computer, explain.
01:09Xavier, according to my research, something very weird happened here.
01:13If I could just know what led up to all of this.
01:17Can you get a hold of some brain matter for a memory extraction?
01:21Never thought you'd ask.
01:27Before we sing our glorious praise to the Lord, it is my sad duty to announce that our sign language translator has donated her hands to the needy groper society.
01:38Dans sa place, nous avons Popo, une guerrilla très spéciale du centre de recherche, qui a étudié signes sous le tutelage de ma femme, June, pendant trois ans.
01:52Cette guerrilla est bien. Elle est blessée par l'Esprit-Saint.
01:56Cet animal est si beau.
01:58Quelles sont ces sensations qui me viennent ? Est-ce qu'elle peut ressentir la même façon que moi ?
02:04C'est étrange. J'ai l'impression que quelqu'un me rape avec ses yeux.
02:08Oh, cette femme est si belle. Je sais juste qu'elle ressent la même façon que moi. Elle m'a totalement étonné.
02:15Oui, nous sommes des soulmates. J'avoue maintenant de la faire ma femme.
02:21Là, l'avocat est fermé.
02:23Tu es mon guide spirituel. Qu'est-ce que je devrais faire ? Là, je suis en train de suivre mon cœur dans cette voie naturelle.
02:30Laissez-moi vous montrer ce qui se passera si votre cœur vous suit. J'en ai juste besoin d'un quart.
02:46Qu'ai-je fait ?
02:51Je suis trop étonnée de parler de la mort mystérieuse de mon mari. Mais Popo m'a demandé de dire quelques mots.
02:58Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça, Popo ?
03:00Elle dit que ce moment de grande perte illumine les liens que nous partageons en commun. Et pour cela, nous devons donner la praise au Seigneur.
03:07Et maintenant, elle est très éloquente en disant des choses très touchantes.
03:10Elle est en train de bouger. Encore en train de bouger.
03:12C'est tellement bougé. Cette gorilla est en train de bouger des endroits.
03:17Popo est en train de remercier tout le monde qui pouvait y arriver.
03:19Popo offre la foi en Jésus comme une alléviation à ses profondes peurs.
03:23J'avoue que quand je la marierai, je lui donnerai 100 fleurs à chaque cinq minutes.
03:29Vow locked in.
03:31...don't acknowledge. It's very touching.
03:34Oh, it's so touching.
03:35She's tugging deeply ingrained heart strings now.
03:37Pray the Lord.
03:38Pray. Sign.
03:39Popo is urging you to dismiss the power of your rational mind.
03:42She's using fear of death, playing on your insecurities. There's a rock-solid elegance to the arguments.
03:47So elegant.
03:48Popo is shattering your souls, shattering souls.
03:51Popo is taking obvious metaphors too literally.
03:53Now she's doing sign language.
03:55She's moving her hands.
03:56She's signing in tongues.
03:57She's lifting her voice, such as it were.
03:59She's raising her spirits.
04:00Now she's touching her feces as they come out of her bottom.
04:03Now she's sniffing her finger.
04:04Oh, she over-exerted herself.
04:08Daddy!
04:09Honey, I've been moved by a beast.
04:11Come, sit. You're 16 now, and I know you've had sex.
04:14Of course, you know that, Daddy.
04:17Well, we're Christians, and I want you to sign a re-virgination pledge to me and the big man upstairs.
04:22Who are these people? Where did June go?
04:25I vow to see her again.
04:29Vow locked in.
04:31I got a contract at church.
04:32Oh, neat. Let me see.
04:34No need to read every word, honey. It's all standard language, boilerplate.
04:37It just says, you vow to be a born-again virgin and never have sex out of wedlock.
04:40Sure, Daddy.
04:41And initial here and here.
04:43Bite down on this.
04:44And write your measurements here.
04:45I'm a virgin again.
04:46Not yet.
04:47I'm in, guy.
04:48Oh, good. He's here.
04:49I'm in, guy.
04:50Who's this?
04:51You wanted to be a virgin again. He's going to make that dream a reality for you.
04:55But I don't want a new Hymen. I want to go out.
04:57You should have read the contract.
04:58Now you got a bunch of choices.
05:00We got the tropical beach that's pina colada cherry-flavored.
05:03We got the growler, the gobbler, fangs for the ovaries.
05:07We got the apple dumpling gang, signed by Don Knotts himself.
05:10The French stickler, for her pleasure, and his au bon pain.
05:13We got the nature's candy, made from recycled elephant hymen and raisins.
05:16The gray lady, it really delivers.
05:18This is the rice rocket. You don't want it, it's jack crap.
05:21The we shall overcome, the mud flaps.
05:23Turn it inside out, it's a duvet.
05:25Moons over my ovaries, that's an anal hymen.
05:27The lox box, for frigid juice.
05:30They all come with a free banana, except for the we shall overcome.
05:33We want the basic model, nothing fancy. Standard, double wide.
05:36Daddy, this one has an mp3 player. Can I?
05:39I could never say no to a virgin.
05:41Turn it on.
05:43We're back, WCRST.
05:45Succotash and the bird in the morning.
05:47The Christian Zoo Radio Hooty Hoo, featuring Succotash and the bird in the morning.
05:50Accept the savior, get into the glorious kingdom of heaven.
05:53Succotash, Succotash, call us up, win some cash.
05:55We got Christ, we got faith, we got traffic on the ones, weather on the what.
05:58We got Popo the preacher gorilla in the studio. How you doing today, Popo?
06:00Kind of making a splash in the preaching scene.
06:02Make a splash, make a splash. Succotash, call us up, win some cash.
06:05Well, it's 5.55, let's check in on the five W's.
06:07We got who, what, when, where, why, how's the weather this morning?
06:09Traffic's on the traffic, traffic's on the...
06:10No time for... Succotash, Succotash, win some cash.
06:12Accept Christ into your heart, look down on us.
06:14From the glorious kingdom of heaven.
06:15Now, Popo, I understand you're starting your own 700 club.
06:17Seven's a prime number, you're in the prime of your life.
06:19Life could change, win a chunk of change.
06:21Succotash, Succotash, call us up, win some cash.
06:23Gotta call our online seven. Are you there?
06:24Yeah, did I win some cash?
06:25Oh, so close!
06:26Was the phrase that pays, and we give praise.
06:28Bow your heads.
06:29Well, thanks for coming in, Popo.
06:30Coming up, we got traffic on the ones, it's traffic every one second.
06:32There's traffic, there's traffic, there's traffic, no traffic, there's traffic.
06:36Popo is blessing you all for tuning in,
06:38and she's now welcoming her first guest.
06:40Seems to be a famous Christian Hollywood actor.
06:42Thanks so much for having me, Popo.
06:44You're quite an inspiration.
06:45I hereby vow to never disappoint you.
06:52It's not working.
06:58The actor's lobbying hollow praise at Popo.
07:00Popo says she understands the actor has a clip
07:02Yes, this is a passion project for me.
07:04It's about a good Christian who sacrifices everything,
07:06and in this scene, well, just take a look.
07:08Welcome to the afterlife.
07:11You will experience an eternity of infinite joy in this realm.
07:15But my sexy wife is still down there,
07:17and those Filipino gators are about to eat her.
07:19I'm sorry, you can't go back.
07:21I'm not taking no for an answer.
07:23Get me the hell out of here.
07:27And now, let's go.
07:29Get me the hell out of heaven.
07:32In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
07:37Shifting 7th Heaven Part 8 to Number 1 at the box office
07:40for the ninth straight week,
07:41thanks to the Popoularity of Popo the Gorilla,
07:44who some believe is the second, or even third, coming of the Messiah.
07:47Messiah or not, Popo has literally converted
07:50everyone on the planet to Christianity.
07:52That's over 5 billion served.
07:54Poor monkey.
07:55And as you may not know, every human on the Earth
07:58is now gathering in a celebration
08:00to accept Popo as our universal savior.
08:02We go there live.
08:03Popo is saying that once we all accept her,
08:05we will ascend into glory.
08:07Popo says 10, Popo says 9.
08:09Glory? I can't lose my love to glory.
08:12I've got to get her.
08:17We surrender to Popo!
08:22God has taken her.
08:23What the? Weird!
08:25You know, to be honest,
08:27I was a tiny bit skeptical
08:29about this whole Popo's the Messiah thing
08:32before that happened.
08:34But now, I really do surrender to Popo.
08:45So if I have sex with that gorilla,
08:47the entire world will go to heaven?
08:50Falls never lie.
08:52The world's hymen shall be restored.
08:55Innocence regained.
08:57Hot dog!
08:58I'm getting me some world soul saving apes noochy-doo!
09:01Sucker, just tell them what they want to hear.
09:04Follow your heart, heart, heart.
09:07Come on, you've got to be able
09:09to open your mouth wider than that.
09:11Xavier!
09:12I've analyzed the brain juice, the thoughts.
09:14They're coming from within your head.
09:16Get out of your head!
09:18Get out of your head!
09:26And that's when he realized
09:28that to stand and consider all possibilities
09:31is to drown in a tunneling sea
09:33of infinite potentiality.
09:35So he changed his mind
09:37and took the path on the right.
09:39His right.
09:40If you are facing him, it's your left.
09:51Push! Honey, push!
09:54There's some kind of monster!
10:03Just two more Xaviers left.
10:06Out there, out there, out there.
10:08Somewhere, somewhere, somewhere.