• 2 days ago
https://amzn.to/3SNrvho
Transcript
00:00:00Music
00:00:30A number of flights have been cancelled at this time.
00:00:37I don't think anyone is getting out of here for a while with this weather.
00:00:43We circled for a while too, it was really annoying.
00:00:46Music
00:01:03Excuse me, but are you Richard?
00:01:06Wait, Tiffany?
00:01:11This is so strange, I mean what are the odds?
00:01:15It's me.
00:01:20Headed home for the holidays?
00:01:22Yeah, I hate there's never a direct flight, I always have a layover.
00:01:26Yeah, I know.
00:01:31So you headed home too?
00:01:33Nope.
00:01:35California.
00:01:37Oh, that's where I'm coming from.
00:01:38I know!
00:01:41You knew I was living in California?
00:01:43Nothing else to gossip about in Grand Falls.
00:01:49Do you know that I lost 50 pounds?
00:01:5350 pounds?
00:01:56Where would you put it?
00:01:59Believe me, everywhere.
00:02:03Well, I can't even picture it.
00:02:08I got really big after I had my son, and then stress, it just...
00:02:14So you're married then?
00:02:15Not anymore.
00:02:17Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
00:02:20No, I mean, you didn't know.
00:02:24Divorce can be rough.
00:02:25Yeah, yeah.
00:02:30So you said you're going to California. Vacation, or?
00:02:34No, to live. I'm moving there.
00:02:37No kidding?
00:02:39Do you think I'll fit in?
00:02:43Sure. Yeah, you'll do great there.
00:02:52You know, you were my inspiration all these years.
00:02:57Oh, come on, we barely knew each other.
00:03:00Seriously, I always admired you, and like, wow, Richard!
00:03:07You know, just packed up and moved to California, never looking back.
00:03:16Hey, so who'd Jenna marry? Someone from the old gang?
00:03:20Whitey. I married Whitey.
00:03:23Jim the total jock. Jim White, Whitey.
00:03:27That's him.
00:03:29He was a good-looking guy, as I recall.
00:03:31Yeah, not for long. He got old, and he got that receding hairline thing.
00:03:38That's too bad.
00:03:40And bossy.
00:03:43Well, he drinks a little too much sometimes.
00:03:46Him and the guys from the football team, they're all still around.
00:03:51The popular kids.
00:03:53I guess.
00:03:54You were popular, as I recall.
00:03:56So were you. You had a lot of friends, didn't you?
00:04:02Not really. I mean, in the theater crowd, maybe.
00:04:07Oh, yeah, that was your thing. I'd forgotten.
00:04:10I saw you once in...
00:04:14Guys and Dolls?
00:04:16No, that improv thing.
00:04:20Oh, yeah. I never saw you.
00:04:25Well, I only went to that one show.
00:04:30You know, I gotta use the little girls' room.
00:04:34Oh, sure.
00:04:37You can watch my stuff.
00:04:56You want to go take a little walk?
00:05:01You remember me? Really?
00:05:05Yeah.
00:05:08I remember you.
00:05:11I remember you.
00:05:14I remember you.
00:05:17I remember you.
00:05:20I remember you.
00:05:23You remember me? Really?
00:05:26Who could forget you?
00:05:29Cute cheerleader, Tiffany.
00:05:32I always knew you'd get married, do the family thing.
00:05:36Figured you'd take that route.
00:05:38You thought about that in high school?
00:05:41Of course.
00:05:43You were always one of the sensitive ones.
00:05:46Think Jimmy was only with me to get laid.
00:05:53I see it all the time with my friends in relationships.
00:05:56Always a dominant person. You just hope you're friends with that person.
00:06:00Yeah, well, I knew it was going to be bad from the start.
00:06:03As soon as we were married.
00:06:06At the wedding?
00:06:08No, no. The wedding itself was great.
00:06:11The reception and all.
00:06:14I guess I did have the fairy tale wedding.
00:06:18How soon in did you realize?
00:06:20Three months.
00:06:22I just got this feeling like maybe it was a mistake.
00:06:26Yeah, but you can't judge by that.
00:06:28All newlyweds feel buyer's remorse.
00:06:31You get married and it's supposed to be the happy time, right?
00:06:35Like, now you're settled.
00:06:37So they say.
00:06:38But it's the opposite.
00:06:40I felt like now my life is over.
00:06:42You know, you get through the hurdle of the wedding and then you're like, now what?
00:06:47It's funny because one of the main reasons people get married is for that security.
00:06:53Well, then you're in it and you realize, wait a minute, this is my real life.
00:06:59And you realize it's permanent.
00:07:02And you feel trapped.
00:07:04God, that's the one thing that the human animal can't stand.
00:07:08That feeling, being trapped.
00:07:11You are so right.
00:07:13So you reassert yourself.
00:07:15Your freedom as an individual sometimes comes out in ways that are unhealthy, harmful even.
00:07:27You are explaining exactly the way that I felt.
00:07:33It's how it always is.
00:07:35I mean, we can't be blamed for it.
00:07:37You know?
00:07:38It's human nature.
00:07:41So you're saying it's inevitable even if you find the right partner that you still feel trapped, alone?
00:07:49I mean, people don't talk about it.
00:07:51But it's universal.
00:07:53It's just who we are.
00:07:56It's not supposed to be like that.
00:07:59What?
00:08:01Relationships.
00:08:04Who says?
00:08:06Well, we're supposed to be one man and one woman together forever, aren't we?
00:08:13Yeah.
00:08:15I mean, we're supposed to be together forever.
00:08:18Well, we're supposed to be one man and one woman together forever, aren't we?
00:08:25I mean, look at society and the Bible.
00:08:30It's the way it's always been.
00:08:34The divorce rate's pretty high.
00:08:37Yeah, but...
00:08:39I mean, when it comes down to it, we're all animals.
00:08:43How else can it turn out?
00:08:46Well, then why do people even bother getting married?
00:08:51For children.
00:08:53Family.
00:08:55Why else?
00:08:58I don't know.
00:09:04The fairy tale.
00:09:06The happy ending.
00:09:11Right?
00:09:12Right?
00:09:13Yeah, we all want the fairy tale.
00:09:16Girls do anyway.
00:09:27My fairy tale didn't come true either.
00:09:30You had a fairy tale?
00:09:33Of course.
00:09:37Well, you got out, so that's something.
00:09:42I left town, yeah.
00:09:45Problem is, wherever you go, you're still there.
00:09:50What does that mean?
00:09:53It means I've learned that you can't run away from yourself.
00:09:58Who says I'm running?
00:10:00I'm speaking for myself.
00:10:03I'm running.
00:10:05I ran then. Hell, I'm still running.
00:10:08Well, good. Then I'm running too.
00:10:12Running as far away from this town as I can get.
00:10:16To L.A.
00:10:18To anywhere, really. I just chose L.A. because I heard you done well there.
00:10:22It was fun while it lasted.
00:10:24And I want the sunshine.
00:10:27That part is good.
00:10:29The problem is, is I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there.
00:10:35Just...
00:10:39Sometimes you just need to stop and reset.
00:10:42You know?
00:10:44You realize your life's off track and you have this overwhelming desire to change something.
00:10:51Right.
00:10:53So you think I can either change my job or my relationship or where I live.
00:11:03Maybe all three.
00:11:05Maybe all three.
00:11:06And four, really, if you include changing your look, which I've done.
00:11:13Yeah, that's just a makeover. Makeovers never really solve anything.
00:11:18True. So I did all that and I knew I was changing my relationship, but it wasn't a big enough change.
00:11:25I mean, it wasn't a big enough change to make me become a different person.
00:11:31So then I decided I need to leave town. Start over.
00:11:40To new beginnings.
00:11:42To new beginnings.
00:11:46Feels like I should at least have some Baileys in this or something.
00:11:51Well, I'm sure there's a bar somewhere.
00:11:55Maybe we should check our flight status first. We don't want to get stuck in the middle.
00:11:58True.
00:12:23If I could only add up all the time I've spent in airport bars.
00:12:26You've traveled a lot?
00:12:28Yeah, you could say that.
00:12:30What kind of work do you do in LA?
00:12:33I got involved in art.
00:12:36You have to be very particular.
00:12:39Well, I am a perfectionist.
00:12:41I see that. You have a real thing about you.
00:12:45A thing? What's that mean?
00:12:46Oh, yeah. I noticed. Right away. Really nicely dressed. Hair's real specific. Not like Whitey at all.
00:12:57Well, Whitey's... I would imagine Whitey's not the kind of guy who would be...
00:13:02You moisturize your face, don't you? And actually, you've done that Botox thing, haven't you?
00:13:10I've seen it before and in magazines. The before and after pictures. The forehead thing. It doesn't move when you smile.
00:13:20Okay, who am I trying to fool? It's just you.
00:13:22So you did do it.
00:13:24Well, it's actually good. I was wondering why I had so many more wrinkles than you and we're both the same age.
00:13:30You don't have wrinkles.
00:13:32Oh, you mean glasses then. Yeah.
00:13:36Is it noticeable?
00:13:37Oh, no. It looks great. Very natural.
00:13:43But you noticed.
00:13:45Well, I noticed the overall package. You know, I couldn't tell you were a perfectionist.
00:13:52I am. But over time I realized I'm a mediocre perfectionist, which can become problematic.
00:14:00So how come you never got married?
00:14:02What makes you think I wasn't married?
00:14:04Oh, I've had my eye out for the signs. No ring and...
00:14:08Well, I didn't want to make it about me. I mean, you wanted to talk about Whitey and all.
00:14:11So you were married.
00:14:14Yeah.
00:14:16Well, where is she now?
00:14:18Oh, so we're getting personal now.
00:14:20Oh, weren't we?
00:14:21Okay, if you must know, we both kind of left each other. I mean, we went back and forth.
00:14:28In the end, I guess I'm the one who finally left.
00:14:31Relationships are like that. Phases. You know, one moment one person loves the one person more and then it flips.
00:14:41They only prolong the inevitable breakup.
00:14:44Maybe.
00:14:45I know there were times that I was determined to leave, but then you just get drawn back in.
00:14:52Until the bad times outweigh the good times.
00:14:55You're really down on the love and fairy tale anything, aren't you?
00:14:59Yeah.
00:15:05Hey, two seats opened up at the bar.
00:15:08Oh.
00:15:10Hey, can we get a couple more of these when you get a chance? Just add it to my cart.
00:15:15You have your credit card at the bar?
00:15:18Yeah, I figured we'd be here for a little while.
00:15:20Well, let me.
00:15:23No, don't worry about it. I got it.
00:15:25No, no, that's okay.
00:15:27I mean, it's not like we're going to be here forever.
00:15:29No, it's not like we're going to be here forever.
00:15:31It's not like we're going to be here forever.
00:15:33It's not like we're going to be here forever.
00:15:35It's not like we're going to be here forever.
00:15:36No, don't worry about it. I got it.
00:15:38No, no, that's okay. I got it.
00:15:41Hey, let a loser in love buy some drinks for another loser in love.
00:15:46One I haven't seen in, what, 15 years?
00:15:52I know, it's like fate or something, our paths crossing like this.
00:15:57Yeah, it's funny, isn't it?
00:16:02Hey, not so fast.
00:16:05Two losers in love.
00:16:18Don't you have to lose something in order to find yourself?
00:16:23I mean, people tell me that's when true character emerges.
00:16:26Interesting.
00:16:28I mean, think about it. If you had the fairy tale, where would you be?
00:16:31You'd be shallow and happy.
00:16:36And deep and angst-ridden is better?
00:16:39Sure.
00:16:41I don't know if I agree. I want to be happy.
00:16:47I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for the ups and downs that I've experienced.
00:16:53But don't you think it'd be easier to just go back to the beginning?
00:16:57Go back to the beginning?
00:16:59Like high school, when you didn't really know that much about yourself or about life.
00:17:04It's just basically starting over with a clean slate.
00:17:08Yeah, I think you're wrong.
00:17:10I think the older that you get, there's too much you know about life and people.
00:17:16And you know too much for it ever to be simple again.
00:17:19Yeah, maybe it'd just be easier to have less self-awareness.
00:17:22Less of that self-analysis bullshit.
00:17:24Just get back to the basics of life.
00:17:27So you'd rather be ignorant and happy is what you're saying?
00:17:31Sometimes I think so.
00:17:33You don't mean that.
00:17:35It'd be a lot easier.
00:17:37I've been ignorant and happy and I thank God I was so naive.
00:17:44But it was good while it lasted?
00:17:46Not really.
00:17:48No?
00:17:49Well I thought so at the time.
00:17:52I briefly thought my life was great and perfect.
00:17:58But you realized...
00:18:00But then I realized that I wasn't happy.
00:18:04I was just doing what I thought I should.
00:18:07Like getting married?
00:18:10Well yeah.
00:18:12I was the cheerleader.
00:18:14He was the jock.
00:18:16We were meant to be together.
00:18:17The happy perfect couple.
00:18:20You were?
00:18:23On the surface.
00:18:26For the show.
00:18:28For our family.
00:18:31Why'd you go through with it then?
00:18:33Honestly, if you thought it was about the show, why would you marry the guy?
00:18:37That's what I thought I wanted.
00:18:39I just later realized that I...
00:18:44I didn't know myself.
00:18:46You had a great personality in school.
00:18:48I had a perky personality.
00:18:50Cheerleader, right?
00:18:52That was the show.
00:18:55I don't follow you.
00:18:57It's like a character.
00:18:59You know, they want you to be a certain way, so you're that...
00:19:04I don't know.
00:19:05You know, they want you to be a certain way, so you're that...
00:19:09way.
00:19:13I know what you're saying.
00:19:17You...
00:19:19You understand?
00:19:22Oh yeah.
00:19:24More than you realize.
00:19:26I've had to put on a charade in my life.
00:19:29Pretend to be something that I'm not.
00:19:32You have.
00:19:33You have.
00:19:35Absolutely.
00:19:38See, I never saw that.
00:19:40You always...
00:19:42You were just always real.
00:19:44You never cared what anyone thought in high school, and I admired that.
00:19:49Oh, I cared.
00:19:52I cared too much what everyone thought.
00:19:55You did?
00:19:58And now you don't?
00:20:00Now I don't.
00:20:02What was your charade?
00:20:05Well, first, being a guy.
00:20:10You are a guy.
00:20:12Yeah.
00:20:14But I'm not...
00:20:16a guy's guy, you know?
00:20:18I had to pretend.
00:20:20Well, that's just peer pressure.
00:20:23Everybody feels that way in high school.
00:20:26You didn't?
00:20:27I was popular.
00:20:29I had a group.
00:20:31That was the show.
00:20:37I was gay.
00:20:41Very funny, Richard.
00:20:45It's not a joke.
00:20:49Oh my god.
00:20:51Is that why you left town?
00:20:54No.
00:20:55In town?
00:20:58Partially, sure.
00:21:06So when you said you were married,
00:21:10before you...
00:21:13meant to...
00:21:16gay lover to a man...
00:21:20My boyfriend is calling back.
00:21:21Boyfriend.
00:21:23And you were married in the...
00:21:27gay sense?
00:21:29I don't know what that means.
00:21:31Like, could it legally be married?
00:21:34We lived together.
00:21:36We were committed.
00:21:38Or so I thought.
00:21:40He cheated on you?
00:21:43We had an open relationship.
00:21:45You just never seemed gay to me in...
00:21:49high school at all.
00:21:52Can you please just forget I said anything?
00:21:55Just erase it from your memory?
00:21:57Why? I'm fine with it.
00:22:00Because I don't want it going around that I'm...
00:22:02gay.
00:22:04At least, not in Grand Falls, anyway.
00:22:07You're still in the closet.
00:22:10No.
00:22:12No, I mean, I'm in the closet.
00:22:14No, I mean, I...
00:22:16I was openly gay.
00:22:19See?
00:22:21I admire that.
00:22:24You got out.
00:22:26Now I admire you even more.
00:22:29Gay guys are like a...
00:22:31thing.
00:22:32Very popular these days.
00:22:34Oh, so now I'm cool?
00:22:36And popular.
00:22:37It's almost like high school has reversed.
00:22:40I was popular, but...
00:22:41I didn't know who I was.
00:22:43But now I'm searching.
00:22:45And you, you weren't popular.
00:22:47But you had self-awareness.
00:22:50And angst.
00:22:52Everything has come full circle.
00:22:54No wonder you thought Whitey was cute.
00:22:56Now it's all adding up.
00:22:58It's complicated.
00:23:03I'm not gonna be gay anymore.
00:23:06That's why I don't want you to say anything.
00:23:08Alright?
00:23:09You're moving back to Grand Falls
00:23:11and you're not gonna be gay anymore.
00:23:13That's right.
00:23:15That's crazy!
00:23:17Oh, what?
00:23:19Your plan to escape L.A. is rational?
00:23:21But my idea to go back to Grand Falls
00:23:23is ridiculous?
00:23:25Richard!
00:23:27You've lived this amazing life.
00:23:29Why in the hell would you go back
00:23:31to our small town?
00:23:36I never had your life.
00:23:37The small town, the community of people
00:23:39who know me and care.
00:23:41You're lucky.
00:23:43It's what I want.
00:23:45That's what,
00:23:47that's exactly what's been missing
00:23:49from my superficial life.
00:23:51You think you're superficial.
00:23:53I have been, sure.
00:23:55Maybe it's your job.
00:23:58No.
00:24:00It's my life.
00:24:02You know, you think you're being deep
00:24:04and real with people and relationships.
00:24:05But you're not.
00:24:08You realize at the end of the day
00:24:10that you're all alone.
00:24:13I want a home
00:24:15where people know me.
00:24:18Not just
00:24:20who they think I am.
00:24:23Home isn't a place.
00:24:27It can be.
00:24:30I think you can be a different person
00:24:32in a different place.
00:24:33So you plan on being a different person.
00:24:37Yeah.
00:24:39I mean, not a hundred percent different.
00:24:42A different
00:24:44version of me.
00:24:46More authentic.
00:24:48You plan on reinventing yourself.
00:24:51It's like you were saying about the show.
00:24:54L.A. was my show.
00:24:56I'm
00:24:58done with that kind of life.
00:24:59Done with that kind of life.
00:25:03So how do you plan on a change?
00:25:08Well, one thing I know is
00:25:10I am
00:25:12not really gay.
00:25:14Richard.
00:25:17You're not really gay.
00:25:21You just got done telling me you were gay.
00:25:24I thought I was.
00:25:27And now you don't think you are.
00:25:30I don't know.
00:25:32I know I thought I was.
00:25:35Okay.
00:25:37So you sleep with men.
00:25:40Yeah.
00:25:43So what does that mean?
00:25:47I don't know.
00:25:49I was part of
00:25:51something, a community, I guess.
00:25:54Okay, a community.
00:25:56Community, which is
00:25:57what you said you wanted
00:25:59to be part of.
00:26:01True, sort of.
00:26:04I don't know.
00:26:06I mean,
00:26:08maybe it's just what I needed then.
00:26:10Okay, I don't
00:26:12understand.
00:26:14I don't get what you mean.
00:26:21I never
00:26:23had the popularity that you had in high school.
00:26:24I wasn't a jock like Whitey.
00:26:27You know, a girl like you.
00:26:29Girl like me what?
00:26:31You would have never
00:26:33slept with somebody like me.
00:26:35Of course not.
00:26:37We were in high school.
00:26:39Because I wasn't cool
00:26:41because I was in theater, right?
00:26:43Yeah, exactly.
00:26:45You know how it works.
00:26:47But you slept with Whitey.
00:26:49Because he was on the football team.
00:26:51He didn't respect you.
00:26:54Yeah.
00:26:56He was on the football team
00:26:58and I was a cheerleader.
00:27:00You know, I thought we got all this.
00:27:02Yeah, you're helping me make my point.
00:27:04What's your point exactly?
00:27:09You seem to think that you knew,
00:27:11that I knew who I was
00:27:13in high school.
00:27:15But I didn't.
00:27:17No, maybe I wanted to sleep with women.
00:27:18You know, and maybe I was just
00:27:20attracted to or
00:27:22just curious.
00:27:24You know, about...
00:27:26Guys like Whitey.
00:27:28Guys like Whitey.
00:27:30Exactly.
00:27:32And since you were a little
00:27:34sensitive and effeminate,
00:27:36you...
00:27:38You think I'm effeminate?
00:27:40Well, you were.
00:27:42Really? You thought I was effeminate in high school?
00:27:44Well...
00:27:45Okay.
00:27:47I guess I was.
00:27:49And then I moved and
00:27:51I got attention
00:27:53for the first time.
00:27:59Attention from the
00:28:01gay community.
00:28:03Lots of attention.
00:28:08Well,
00:28:10it's nice to
00:28:12have attention.
00:28:13Have attention.
00:28:44I hope you washed your hands.
00:28:49Did they let you take these out of the bar?
00:28:51Yeah, they know we're stuck here for a while.
00:28:53They don't care.
00:28:56Oh, hey, did you check on the flights?
00:28:58Oh, yeah, they said to
00:29:00check back in an hour.
00:29:02Oh, right.
00:29:04Oh, yeah.
00:29:06Oh, yeah.
00:29:08Oh, yeah.
00:29:10Oh, yeah.
00:29:11Oh, right.
00:29:22I was a little bit of a slut, too.
00:29:26I remember.
00:29:28Richard,
00:29:30be nice.
00:29:32Hey, I didn't want to say anything before, but
00:29:34you had a reputation.
00:29:37Wait a second.
00:29:38First, you say that
00:29:40maybe you wanted to sleep with
00:29:42me in high school,
00:29:44but couldn't.
00:29:46And now I'm a slut.
00:29:53Look, you slept with others,
00:29:55but not me.
00:29:57That makes you a slut in my book.
00:30:03Well, two sluts.
00:30:04Yeah, two sluts.
00:30:08I'm sure you're no sluttier than anyone else.
00:30:10Hey, don't take that away from me.
00:30:12Maybe I happen to like sex.
00:30:17Oh, I thought it was all the show.
00:30:19Being with a guy like Whitey
00:30:21was the show, but
00:30:24would have maybe slept with him
00:30:28for myself.
00:30:30You knew you liked sex at 16?
00:30:31Yeah, didn't you?
00:30:35Yeah.
00:30:37I mean, is that so weird?
00:30:39Why?
00:30:41Because I'm a woman admitting it?
00:30:43Maybe double standard.
00:30:45Well, you knew you liked it then,
00:30:47didn't you?
00:30:49Who doesn't like sex
00:30:51that's like not liking pizza?
00:30:53Oh, I know plenty of women
00:30:55who are like over it.
00:30:58Giving up on sex?
00:30:59Giving up on sex?
00:31:01Yep, all over Grand Falls.
00:31:03That's just sad.
00:31:05I know.
00:31:07Sex is just, it's important.
00:31:10Maybe that's who we are inside.
00:31:14Just
00:31:16deep in our core,
00:31:18we're sexual beings,
00:31:20animals.
00:31:25And I knew that
00:31:27by the time I was 16.
00:31:30Didn't you?
00:31:33I suppose.
00:31:35I just actually hadn't had it yet.
00:31:37Now that,
00:31:39I can believe.
00:31:49But a
00:31:51real kiss
00:31:53is the best.
00:31:55You think so?
00:31:57Yeah.
00:32:00There's something about
00:32:03that moment
00:32:05when you kiss someone
00:32:07and there's
00:32:09something breathtaking about it.
00:32:20I did a lot of things I regretted
00:32:22in search of that feeling.
00:32:24You did?
00:32:26It was all good
00:32:27at the time, I mean
00:32:29just giving in to those
00:32:31primal cravings.
00:32:35Right.
00:32:37It's what you do when you're in your 20s
00:32:39and you're stupid.
00:32:41You think you're invincible.
00:32:43You got hurt?
00:32:45No.
00:32:47But I hurt someone else.
00:32:51Your boyfriend?
00:32:54Yeah.
00:32:55Yeah.
00:33:00You're the one that cheated?
00:33:02We both cheated, physically.
00:33:04We were just being fair and realistic
00:33:06to ourselves and our sexual needs.
00:33:11Okay.
00:33:13But one day I realized
00:33:15I'm not in it like him.
00:33:17I mean, he's committed to me,
00:33:19this lifestyle,
00:33:21and I'm just here for the
00:33:23Fun.
00:33:25It was superficial.
00:33:27We're all superficial,
00:33:29I guess, at times.
00:33:31But you get to a point
00:33:33where you're like,
00:33:35what the fuck am I doing?
00:33:37This isn't a joke, this is my life
00:33:39happening here.
00:33:41And you wake up one day
00:33:43and you're in your 30s
00:33:45and you're like, what the fuck?
00:33:47What the fuck, exactly.
00:33:52What was your wake-up call?
00:33:56I think you get to a point
00:33:58where you realize
00:34:00you're not so young it's stupid.
00:34:02You lose that as an excuse.
00:34:04You realize you're not invincible.
00:34:07You realize you can get hurt.
00:34:10People can do terrible things to you.
00:34:16So you decide to
00:34:19move back home?
00:34:21You just drop your life?
00:34:23Back to the roots.
00:34:25Start over.
00:34:27Can you really do that though?
00:34:29Do you think it's realistic
00:34:31to think you can just
00:34:33drop your past?
00:34:35I still want the fairy tale.
00:34:37What's that look like for you?
00:34:39I know mine,
00:34:41fairy tale,
00:34:43but what's yours?
00:34:45Tradition.
00:34:47Same as you.
00:34:49Okay.
00:34:51I want all the things
00:34:53you're supposed to.
00:34:55With a lover.
00:34:57No, with a wife.
00:34:59I want to find a good woman
00:35:01and have a simple life
00:35:03in a small town.
00:35:05Like you were saying,
00:35:07like society and the Bible
00:35:09wants you to, tells you to.
00:35:11So you can just
00:35:13flip the switch back like that.
00:35:15One day you're gay
00:35:17and the next day you marry a woman.
00:35:19It's not a switch.
00:35:21I've been thinking about it
00:35:23for a long time.
00:35:25I'm glad it's so funny to you.
00:35:27I'm glad you find my life
00:35:29so hilarious.
00:35:31Look, I didn't think about
00:35:33going home before,
00:35:35but then everything happened
00:35:37with Kyle and I just,
00:35:39I got in this
00:35:41reflective phase, you know?
00:35:43Okay.
00:35:45I know
00:35:47a couple things
00:35:49about sexuality
00:35:51and psychology
00:35:53and it just doesn't
00:35:55work that way.
00:35:57Look, I told you I was in it.
00:35:59Yes, but in the end...
00:36:01Well, you can't go
00:36:03year after year
00:36:05being one person
00:36:07and all of a sudden
00:36:09realizing you're some other person.
00:36:11Why not?
00:36:13People don't do that.
00:36:15You did it?
00:36:17Did not.
00:36:19In high school, with Whitey?
00:36:21Oh, come on.
00:36:23I wasn't a whole other person.
00:36:25I mean, what was expected of me.
00:36:27It wasn't a lie.
00:36:29It was still me.
00:36:31What's the difference?
00:36:33Maybe I didn't like it all the time,
00:36:35but I accepted it was my life.
00:36:37All the mistakes that I made
00:36:39were my own.
00:36:41But eventually you get older
00:36:43and you realize you can't keep up the charade
00:36:45and your whole fucking life's a charade.
00:36:55My life has been a charade.
00:36:57You're right.
00:36:59In many ways.
00:37:01We've just been going over
00:37:03what a great life you have
00:37:05being popular and marrying Whitey.
00:37:07Yes.
00:37:09I accept this is my life.
00:37:11Unlike you.
00:37:13You're talking like
00:37:15there's some other person
00:37:17you can pin responsibility on.
00:37:19That's a cop-out.
00:37:21A cop-out?
00:37:23What about you?
00:37:25I'm getting from more than you even know.
00:37:28I am getting far, far away.
00:37:30You've never been anywhere.
00:37:33You'll be back within six months.
00:37:37You're kind of pathetic, you know?
00:37:40Oh, I'm pathetic?
00:37:42You act like
00:37:44your life has been so
00:37:46heavy and intense
00:37:48because you were gay
00:37:50and cheated on a lover.
00:37:52But now you want to throw it all away
00:37:53and start fresh anew.
00:37:55You act like there was
00:37:57somebody else.
00:37:59Well, if it was somebody else, Richard,
00:38:01who was it?
00:38:03You know what?
00:38:05I'm just saying
00:38:07that your problems seem pretty normal.
00:38:09Small-town girl, popular,
00:38:11marries the jock and it doesn't work out.
00:38:13You're a cliché, Tiffany.
00:38:16I'm never coming back.
00:38:19Oh, sure, you'll explore.
00:38:21You'll search for that
00:38:23freedom that you
00:38:25missed out on when you got married in your 20s.
00:38:28And you'll look for that elusive
00:38:31real kiss.
00:38:33But it doesn't exist.
00:38:36Not in the long run.
00:38:39And you know what?
00:38:41Eventually you'll want what I want.
00:38:43The husband, the kids.
00:38:45Oh, you think just because
00:38:47that's what you want, everybody does?
00:38:50I've been around a lot of people, I know what I'm talking about.
00:38:51You don't know shit
00:38:53about me
00:38:55or my problems.
00:38:57You're the typical small-town
00:38:59divorcee.
00:39:01Okay, you've never experienced
00:39:03life outside of our town.
00:39:05Once you get a taste of it,
00:39:07trust me, you'll be back.
00:39:09Just like me.
00:39:11You're wrong.
00:39:13It didn't work out perfect.
00:39:15That's everyone's story.
00:39:17You don't know what you're talking about.
00:39:19So Whitey drank?
00:39:21What a shock.
00:39:23The high school jock who's now a drunk?
00:39:25Never heard of that one.
00:39:27There's more to it than that.
00:39:29Oh, don't tell me.
00:39:31Let me guess.
00:39:33He hit you.
00:39:35Oh, more cliches, I love it!
00:39:37He didn't hit me.
00:39:42We had a kid.
00:39:46You had a kid?
00:39:47You had a kid?
00:39:49Wait.
00:39:51Wait, you're a mom?
00:39:53I told you I gained weight after being pregnant.
00:39:56I guess you weren't listening.
00:39:58What, when we first started talking?
00:40:00That doesn't count?
00:40:02I didn't know I was gonna talk to you
00:40:04seriously like this.
00:40:06Superficial.
00:40:08Just like you said you were.
00:40:10Oh, now that's bullshit.
00:40:12So what, you're gonna run off to the West Coast
00:40:14and leave your kid at home
00:40:15for what, your mom to take care of or something?
00:40:18No.
00:40:20Oh, you get divorced, lose weight,
00:40:22dye your hair, get some fake nails,
00:40:25and you abandon your kid, what,
00:40:27because you think you deserve a better life?
00:40:29What's next, some fake tits?
00:40:31Maybe that'll make you a better person.
00:40:33Why don't you go for it?
00:40:36He's dead.
00:40:40What?
00:40:42He died a year ago.
00:40:45What, Whitey's dead?
00:40:47My son, you asshole.
00:40:59A place where life stands still
00:41:04A moment we could steal
00:41:09Don't remember how to feel
00:41:14Can't take these ups and downs
00:41:19Snow lands on the ground
00:41:24Let's swim until we drown
00:41:32I don't know where to call
00:41:38I don't know where to call home
00:41:48And I can't stand on my own
00:42:00Don't rain on my parade
00:42:04Don't look through my charade
00:42:09Don't let that picture fade
00:42:19I thought we'd kill some time
00:42:24Escape the cold outside
00:42:29With secrets in your eyes
00:42:41Doesn't look good.
00:42:43They made an announcement about getting us out of here
00:42:47before the next storm comes, so maybe.
00:42:52Hey, I'm sorry.
00:42:54It's fine.
00:42:56I'm a little drunk.
00:42:58Me too.
00:43:01I shouldn't have been so insensitive.
00:43:04You said it's fine.
00:43:06You didn't know.
00:43:08Whatever.
00:43:10You said I was one of the sensitive ones, but I'm not.
00:43:15Sometimes I get defensive and I push people.
00:43:19I see that now.
00:43:21I was all over you,
00:43:23about your sexual lifestyle choices.
00:43:26It's all fair game, right?
00:43:30It's too intimate.
00:43:32I mean, we don't even know each other.
00:43:35We went to high school 15 years ago, for Christ's sake.
00:43:39And here I am,
00:43:41judging you,
00:43:43still making assumptions about your life and who you are.
00:43:48We're from the same town, so that's something.
00:43:52We're all entitled to our own opinions.
00:43:55Yeah, you know where someone's from.
00:43:57Talk a little.
00:43:59Makes us think we know who they are, but we don't.
00:44:14Looks like we're stuck here a little while longer.
00:44:19Want to take a walk?
00:44:20Do you dare?
00:44:22I'm not going to go off on you again.
00:44:25I said I was sorry.
00:44:28I don't know.
00:44:34I realized I was yelling at you,
00:44:37but only because I resent it.
00:44:44Resent what?
00:44:46I'm telling you that
00:44:47you're this small-town cliché,
00:44:50and yet that's the one thing I wish I could be.
00:44:55So you're a hypocrite.
00:44:58Maybe.
00:45:00Or just that love-hate thing.
00:45:03You know how sometimes you're drawn to things?
00:45:07You get in your head how great something's going to be?
00:45:10Or you just desperately want
00:45:13that one thing you deep down know is so bad for you.
00:45:18Or you just desperately want
00:45:22that one thing you deep down know is so bad for you.
00:45:26So bad for you.
00:45:47So what happened with your son?
00:45:50I mean, if you want to talk about it.
00:45:53Might as well now.
00:45:57Not if you don't want to.
00:46:00I don't need to know. I just thought maybe—
00:46:03It was Whitey.
00:46:06What?
00:46:12What happened?
00:46:23He's drinking as usual.
00:46:27He picked him up
00:46:30after a game at school.
00:46:36What was his name?
00:46:41Jimmy Jr.
00:46:44Jimmy Jr.
00:46:46Jimmy Jr.
00:46:48Jimmy Jr.
00:46:50Jimmy Jr.
00:46:53Right.
00:46:59And no one else called him that.
00:47:02Only me.
00:47:04His friends at school called him Whitey.
00:47:08Just like his dad.
00:47:13So they were a lot alike?
00:47:15Like clones.
00:47:19He also played
00:47:20football
00:47:23just like his dad.
00:47:29So Whitey picks him up from school.
00:47:36It wasn't just the drinking.
00:47:41I knew Whitey was also
00:47:44messing with
00:47:46crystal meth.
00:47:47Crystal meth.
00:47:52So you were around that too?
00:47:55Not me.
00:47:59I never tried the stuff.
00:48:06I did.
00:48:09You did?
00:48:17Yeah.
00:48:26So Whitey was caught up in all that?
00:48:30Yeah.
00:48:35Most people are
00:48:38real sweet in Grand Falls. It's just—
00:48:42you know, every town has their bad elements.
00:48:45His boys, you know.
00:48:47Did you pick up your son after partying?
00:48:51I was supposed to pick him up.
00:48:55But I—
00:49:00Why?
00:49:08I was seeing someone I shouldn't have.
00:49:12I knew Whitey was
00:49:15at the bar
00:49:18watching games with his
00:49:21buddies all night.
00:49:25And no one was at your son's game?
00:49:29It was just a practice game.
00:49:34I see.
00:49:38Yeah, well.
00:49:41Whitey
00:49:43was driving drunk as usual.
00:49:48And he—
00:49:50he picked up Jimmy Jr. from school and he wrapped
00:49:53the car around a tree.
00:50:03And the police called.
00:50:08And I'm
00:50:10in a hotel room with
00:50:13Whitey's business partner.
00:50:16Oh no.
00:50:23You know how you were calling me a cliché?
00:50:28Well.
00:50:31Maybe you're right.
00:50:35It's what I am.
00:50:36I'm
00:50:42one big
00:50:44fucking white trash cliché.
00:50:49Don't say that.
00:50:51It's true.
00:50:54Maybe I got so
00:50:56upset with you before because I knew you were hitting a nerve.
00:51:04I was just being an asshole.
00:51:06The truth is
00:51:10maybe you do see me clearly.
00:51:15This isn't your fault.
00:51:19Yeah, that's what people say.
00:51:23It's my fault.
00:51:27In some ways it is.
00:51:30People have fairs.
00:51:34You couldn't have known
00:51:37that.
00:51:40I was selfish.
00:51:44And now I have nothing.
00:51:51They're gone.
00:51:56They both died?
00:52:00No.
00:52:03Whitey survived.
00:52:05His airbag went off.
00:52:12A little
00:52:14Jimmy Jr.
00:52:21His chest got smashed.
00:52:35So sad.
00:52:40That's
00:52:42not
00:52:43even the sad part.
00:52:48The sad
00:52:49part
00:52:53is Whitey called me
00:52:56while I was
00:52:58fucking Darren.
00:52:59And it's like, do I answer the phone and
00:53:03have a question
00:53:05or a bath?
00:53:10And when we finish and we
00:53:13go again
00:53:15in the shower
00:53:17and I can hear the phone ringing.
00:53:21So finally I'm like, what the fuck?
00:53:24And you listen to the message?
00:53:27Hours later.
00:53:31A lot of
00:53:33time had passed.
00:53:40Then I
00:53:45go to the bathroom
00:53:47and I
00:53:49see
00:53:50Whitey.
00:53:53Go to the hospital.
00:53:57It was too late.
00:54:03He was gone.
00:54:20He was gone.
00:54:42How old was he?
00:54:44He was 12.
00:54:46I can't even believe that.
00:54:48Me with a 12-year-old.
00:54:50It's understandable.
00:54:53How?
00:54:55What about this is
00:54:56understandable?
00:54:58The affair.
00:55:00You were feeling older.
00:55:01It sounds like Whitey had abandoned you emotionally.
00:55:04Definitely sexually.
00:55:06It's no excuse.
00:55:09I should have
00:55:10been there for Jimmy Jr.
00:55:12But the sad
00:55:13thing is, is I
00:55:16resented him.
00:55:18Your own son?
00:55:20He was just like Whitey.
00:55:23The older he got,
00:55:24the more he got into sports.
00:55:27It's the same thing.
00:55:29Like me being back in high school.
00:55:32He was like going through it with Whitey all over again.
00:55:34Just like him.
00:55:36Talking like him.
00:55:38Acting like him.
00:55:40I loved Jimmy Jr.
00:55:43But
00:55:45sometimes it was
00:55:47like there was no escape.
00:55:49Like I was doomed to
00:55:50keep living the same life
00:55:52with the same man
00:55:54over and over.
00:55:56But he wasn't Whitey.
00:55:58I'm sure he loved you.
00:55:59I'm sure you were a great mom.
00:56:02I tried.
00:56:05But the older he got,
00:56:07the older I felt
00:56:10because it reminded me
00:56:11of how I used to be.
00:56:14How me and Whitey used to be.
00:56:17It's normal to feel that way.
00:56:19I'm sure.
00:56:33Stuck in an airport.
00:56:35On a Saturday night, no less.
00:56:38It's kind of depressing.
00:56:40I'm not depressed.
00:56:42Not anymore.
00:56:44You were?
00:56:46I was.
00:56:48I was for a long time.
00:56:51But after a lot of thinking...
00:56:54Did you talk to a therapist?
00:56:56No, of course not.
00:56:57We don't do things like that in Grand Falls.
00:57:01Meds?
00:57:02No.
00:57:04How did you ever get through all of that
00:57:06without therapists or meds?
00:57:10I wrote in a journal
00:57:12and cried.
00:57:13I cried a lot
00:57:15about where my life ended up
00:57:18and how sad it was.
00:57:22You felt sorry for yourself?
00:57:25Hey, maybe I'm not some rich art dealer
00:57:29who can afford years and years of therapy
00:57:33just to find out I'm selfish and need attention.
00:57:39So that's what Whitey's partner was about?
00:57:41Was it a long-term thing or just one indiscretion?
00:57:46He was on the books for a long time
00:57:48before we did anything about it.
00:57:51On the books?
00:57:53No.
00:57:55On the books.
00:57:57Someone who you know you're going to sleep with
00:57:59when you first meet
00:58:01but for whatever reason or circumstance
00:58:06you just don't.
00:58:08So you were into him?
00:58:11Caught up in him is more like it.
00:58:15He was attractive.
00:58:18Also married.
00:58:21So it seemed okay.
00:58:23That logic is called justification.
00:58:26No, he's all justification.
00:58:29I mean, how else can he live with some of the things that you do?
00:58:33I don't know.
00:58:34I mean, how else can he live with some of the things that you do?
00:58:41Coming up with an angle that you can live with.
00:58:46Convincing yourself that your bad decision is okay.
00:58:50We all do it.
00:58:52We all do.
00:58:54Maybe that's what life is all about.
00:58:57Looking for excitement and attention.
00:59:01And...
00:59:04we're all just selfish at the core.
00:59:07Yes, but under the caveat that being selfish is just how things are.
00:59:10You can't control or change it.
00:59:14No, I'm optimistic.
00:59:17Maybe I'll find a better life in a new location.
00:59:22I mean...
00:59:25it's got to be better.
00:59:28Can't stay where all this happened, right?
00:59:34Sometimes you can be a different person in a different place.
00:59:38Right.
00:59:40And you have your philosophy that no matter where you go, there you'll be.
00:59:47I believe that, sure.
00:59:53You are a hypocrite.
00:59:57You know, I had you on this pedestal
01:00:01because you lived in California and you were successful
01:00:06and I thought you were smarter than me and knew more.
01:00:10But now that I know you,
01:00:14you just keep spouting out all these light philosophies
01:00:19and they all contradict.
01:00:21Because I'm a hypocrite.
01:00:23Didn't you just call me that?
01:00:27I think it's all a cover.
01:00:32What do you mean?
01:00:33You say all these things and they make you sound smart
01:00:38and make you sound like you understand yourself and your life,
01:00:42but you don't.
01:00:48Why don't you tell me the truth, Richard?
01:00:51Do you even know what the truth is?
01:00:58Going back to the beginning was the only plan that made sense to me.
01:01:01Start over.
01:01:03Then maybe you can get it right the second time.
01:01:05You say you were selfish in L.A.
01:01:07and now you selfishly want to come back home and start over
01:01:12and bring an innocent woman and child into your selfishness.
01:01:18It's not like that.
01:01:20This is all a lie.
01:01:22Look, just because my dream isn't the same as yours doesn't make it less valid.
01:01:27You can comment on my life,
01:01:29but when the mirror is turned around,
01:01:32you can't take it on yourself.
01:01:36Sure I can.
01:01:37Breaking out of a bad relationship is one thing,
01:01:40but so bad you decide you want to be with women?
01:01:43Come on.
01:01:44What was bad enough for you to become this desperate?
01:01:53February 18th.
01:01:58Right.
01:01:59You said you cheated on Kyle, but that was the lifestyle, right?
01:02:03I suppose technically I cheated on him and he cheated on me,
01:02:08but none of that meant anything.
01:02:10I mean, we knew we'd come home to each other at the end of the day.
01:02:13You had the mutual understanding.
01:02:18He trusted me.
01:02:22And?
01:02:25And?
01:02:29Richard, what did you do?
01:02:33Hey, I told you everything about me.
01:02:36Things no one knows.
01:02:42I know.
01:02:44So just tell me whatever it is.
01:02:55I picked up this guy at a bathhouse.
01:03:02They still have bathhouses?
01:03:08Yeah.
01:03:09I'm sorry.
01:03:11I get it. It's funny.
01:03:13It's just how it works.
01:03:16So wait.
01:03:18You must have spent Valentine's Day with Kyle.
01:03:24So then a couple days later,
01:03:26you were with this stranger you met at a bathhouse.
01:03:33Yeah.
01:03:35See? I sound like this heartless human being.
01:03:40Tell me.
01:03:50We had sex.
01:03:52Bareback.
01:03:57Like...
01:04:00anal?
01:04:02What do you think?
01:04:03Okay.
01:04:12He was HIV positive.
01:04:19Wow.
01:04:23Oh, no.
01:04:27Hundreds of times.
01:04:31I'll make that thousands.
01:04:35I don't even know how many times I had sex before that night.
01:04:40You were with a lot of different men?
01:04:45It was just all fun and games at the time, you know?
01:04:50But you always practiced safe sex.
01:04:55Of course.
01:04:57Except with Kyle, of course. I mean, we were...
01:05:00married.
01:05:03Oh.
01:05:05Now I get what you're saying.
01:05:08And he just let it happen.
01:05:11I mean, I was faced the other way, you know?
01:05:13I knew he had rubbers, but I...
01:05:15I was kind of fucked up, and he was kind of fucked up.
01:05:19Richard, that's like...
01:05:22rape.
01:05:23I know.
01:05:24An assault.
01:05:25I know.
01:05:30Did you want to kill him?
01:05:36Well, I didn't...
01:05:38I didn't realize until later.
01:05:42So you...
01:05:45went back to him?
01:05:47No.
01:05:49I didn't even know his name.
01:05:52In fact, he was...
01:05:54visiting from Montreal or...
01:05:56something.
01:05:58It is so selfish of him.
01:06:02Selfish, right?
01:06:04Proving yet again...
01:06:06That people are unbelievable.
01:06:11Well, I don't...
01:06:14I don't know if it was deliberate or...
01:06:16an accident or what happened.
01:06:19I'd like to believe it was an accident.
01:06:26So you're dying.
01:06:29The cocktail's taken with me. I'm fine.
01:06:33Fine?
01:06:36Fine.
01:06:42It was my fault.
01:06:46Completely.
01:06:51I was a selfish one. I wouldn't have been there with that guy if I wasn't being selfish.
01:06:57You had an open relationship.
01:07:02I know, but... and it was Kyle's idea.
01:07:06But I think he thought he had to.
01:07:08I mean, he knew I wasn't ready to settle down.
01:07:11He just did it for me.
01:07:14It was a mistake.
01:07:17Yes, it was a mistake, but I know it was...
01:07:21my fault.
01:07:24I keep blaming him, but...
01:07:28I was the one who was reckless.
01:07:33Kyle loved me.
01:07:35He trusted me.
01:07:37And he loved me.
01:07:40And I totally blew it.
01:07:45Now I'm all alone.
01:07:47I have nothing.
01:07:52No.
01:07:56So maybe it isn't...
01:07:59attention or selfishness that drives us.
01:08:06What then?
01:08:08It all comes down to wanting to be loved.
01:08:13That's what the fairy tale really means, doesn't it?
01:08:17That we find love in the end.
01:08:21I don't know.
01:08:28I mean, maybe it is all biological.
01:08:35With everything we know about DNA...
01:08:42I mean, think about it.
01:08:45Everyone you've ever been with...
01:08:48ever kissed...
01:08:50ever been intimate with...
01:08:53your DNA is left with them forever.
01:08:59We leave traces of ourselves.
01:09:03Maybe there's something to that.
01:09:07The way...
01:09:09DNA evidence is left on a victim forever.
01:09:17Even if their body's dug up later, it's still there.
01:09:22Literally...
01:09:24we leave pieces of ourselves with each person...
01:09:29and them with us.
01:09:33The people we're close to become...
01:09:37part of us...
01:09:41forever.
01:09:51So...
01:09:54Kyle...
01:09:56broke up with you after all this?
01:10:01No, I left him.
01:10:04Wait.
01:10:07He was willing to stay with you after all this and you left?
01:10:13Richard.
01:10:17That's what I was saying.
01:10:20That was my moment.
01:10:24When I suddenly realized I'd gone to the edge.
01:10:30Forget that.
01:10:32I fell over the edge.
01:10:34Crashed and burned.
01:10:39Suddenly life's not all fun and games anymore.
01:10:46Like my moment at the hospital.
01:10:51You see the bigger picture.
01:10:54Maybe it's out of our control.
01:10:59You mean like fate or something?
01:11:02That could just be more bullshit we're convincing ourselves of.
01:11:06I've become pretty good at believing my own justifications.
01:11:15Do you think you could ever get back with Whitey?
01:11:20Oh, come on.
01:11:25Everybody makes mistakes.
01:11:28I mean, I know that was a pretty big mistake.
01:11:35He has to be hurting too. It was his son.
01:11:41Yeah.
01:11:45He wants to get back together.
01:11:51Would you?
01:11:55Could you ever get past something traumatic like that?
01:12:02Maybe things could work out.
01:12:08Sometimes there's just too much history.
01:12:16Too much hurt.
01:12:19You know.
01:12:24Sometimes it's easier to move forward than to go back.
01:12:30You've messed up too much to ever make it right.
01:12:35Yeah.
01:12:38Sometimes a fresh start is what you have to do.
01:12:48You have no choice.
01:13:06Looks like maybe we're going to get out of here after all.
01:13:15Looks like it.
01:13:20I know this move is the right thing for me.
01:13:46Me too.
01:14:16This piece of you
01:14:22Am I alone in this world
01:14:29Cause I can't help feel this way
01:14:38I know how to say
01:14:43That I need you to stay
01:15:03Well I'm moving forward then
01:15:08I'm headed back again
01:15:17I can't stop this feeling that
01:15:23I just can't seem to win
01:15:31Am I alone in this world
01:15:38Cause I can't help feel this way
01:15:47Don't know how to say
01:15:52That I need you to stay
01:16:22Don't know how to say
01:16:27That I need you to stay
01:16:32Don't know how to say
01:16:37That I need you to stay
01:16:45Am I alone in this world
01:16:52Cause I can't help feel this way
01:17:01Don't know how to say
01:17:06That I need you to stay
01:17:37Excuse me, but are you Richard?
01:17:42Richard Mack from Grand Falls?
01:17:45No, I'm Steve.