Link Amazon: https://amzn.to/3ZBVEEk
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I love you, baby, baby, say it right through and through
00:00:20I love you in spite of all the prayers I thank you
00:00:25I ain't running around drinking, staying out all night
00:00:30It's gonna take a lot of thinking to figure that it's right
00:00:35Oh, oh, and I'm never gonna get enough
00:00:38It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:00:42You're a hot ball of flame, you burn me up
00:00:47You're a love I cannot take
00:00:49Oh, oh, and I'm never gonna get enough
00:00:52It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:22It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:27It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:32It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:37It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:42It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:47It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:51It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:01:56It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:01It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:06It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:11It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:16It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:21It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:26It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:31It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:36It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:42It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:47It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:52It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:02:57It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:03:02It's like fire, you burn me up, you burn me up
00:03:07Well, excuse me, I apologize
00:03:10I have not introduced my friend, confidant
00:03:14And dare I say, a significant other
00:03:18Mr. Lance Manshaft
00:03:20Well, finally, thank you Miss Manners
00:03:23Well, whatever you know about manners
00:03:26I was the one who taught you
00:03:28I remember years and years and years ago
00:03:30Up at Raymond Burr's house
00:03:32Well, you were so busy oogling the pool boy
00:03:35You couldn't even remember what fork to use
00:03:38So there
00:03:45Hey, are you sure we're going the right way?
00:03:48That's what Eileen said
00:03:50She said it was a rural drive
00:03:52Yeah, uh, rural, that's a good definition
00:03:54This is definitely rural
00:03:58This road better empty out into the town soon
00:04:02You know, Eileen and I were probably playing in someone's house for the kid folk
00:04:06We don't get lost out here
00:04:09That was scary, okay
00:04:10That sounded just like some line out of a B-movie
00:04:12You know, it's like
00:04:14Hope you guys aren't planning on taking me out of the woods here
00:04:16And killing me in some sort of satanic ritual or some shit
00:04:20Oh shit, you found us out, Cheryl
00:04:22Must have seen the goat's head in my suitcase
00:04:25Better call Xavier and tell him the plan's off
00:04:27We'll need to find another virgin
00:04:29You ever notice how
00:04:31Prettier an area is, the uglier the people are?
00:04:35That's because they gotta have something pretty to look at
00:04:37They gotta have something to look forward to
00:04:39Could you imagine me stuck in some nasty ass town
00:04:41Surrounded by a bunch of ugly motherfuckers?
00:04:43Actually, yes, I can
00:04:45It's called doing Fred Schilling's gig in North Dakota
00:04:47I don't think I've ever done that gig
00:04:49What part of North Dakota?
00:04:51I don't know the name of the town
00:04:53Actually, I think it was called Nasty Ass Town, North Dakota
00:04:57I think I want to work that gig
00:04:58Doesn't sound like there's a lot of pudding out there
00:05:00Pudding?
00:05:02You know, like chicks
00:05:04No, like road pudding, you know, groupies
00:05:21Hi, how are you?
00:05:23Good
00:05:26Hey, you didn't even do a show when you're already in, bro
00:05:29That's a lot of pudding
00:05:31That's what I call rude tapioca
00:05:33Not nice
00:05:37What's up with the film crew, gentlemen?
00:05:39We're picking up banjo
00:05:41Oh, uh, we did comics for tonight
00:05:43We're shooting a documentary on stand-up comedy
00:05:47The show's been cancelled
00:05:52What do you mean? Nobody told us
00:05:55After the incident last week, I told Eileen it just wasn't going to work
00:06:00What incident?
00:06:04John, have a seat
00:06:06Please
00:06:14Now, you comfortable?
00:06:16Can't get you anything?
00:06:19All right, now I'm going to talk and you guys are going to listen
00:06:23Last week, one of your brethren insulted one of my better patrons, Big Lenny
00:06:27Patrons? More like denizens
00:06:30I said without comment
00:06:36Anyway, he insulted Big Lenny because he called his mother a whore
00:06:41Now, that's not the issue because, in fact, she is a whore
00:06:44And a very fine whore, old school
00:06:47Most of the guys in this bar have written the passage to manhood in her velvet saddle
00:06:51The thing that irritated him, and me, was the fact that he referred to her like she was common
00:06:57Like she was ordinary
00:06:59You know what, man? That's great
00:07:02But we really need to get out of here
00:07:05I'd love to listen to your story, but since we got screwed on this gig...
00:07:08Son, you can go when I'm finished
00:07:11We kind of got screwed on this gig, so I figure we should probably get going
00:07:16You can go when I'm finished, son
00:07:18Please do not call me son, unless you plan on playing ball with me, okay?
00:07:25Put your head on the bar
00:07:28Put your head on the bar, or I will
00:07:40Now, again, the issue is not whether Lenny's mom is a whore or not
00:07:43The issue is, as you guys come into these, as you call them banjo-picking shithole one-nighters
00:07:48And you talk about us like we're beneath you
00:07:51Like we're just some kind of roadkill on your little Audubon to success
00:07:55Kids, you gotta remember something, this is America
00:07:58These people are America
00:08:00We make you, we break you
00:08:02Without us, you become nothing more than a footnote
00:08:05Of course, maybe you're the exception
00:08:08You, I'm sure, are not
00:08:13Is it okay if I let my head up now?
00:08:16Because I'm having trouble breathing through your uncommon bar
00:08:20Get up
00:08:24Listen, sir, we didn't mean any disrespect
00:08:27But, you know, it's just we're really frustrated
00:08:31We traveled all this way for nothing, and we don't even have a place to stay
00:08:38All right
00:08:40You guys have been attentive to my little ramblings
00:08:43So, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna toss you a bone
00:08:46Now, I got a place about a mile down the road on the right-hand side
00:08:48It's not much, but it's clean
00:08:51So, I'll tell you what I'll do
00:08:52I'll put you guys up for the night
00:08:54Tomorrow, you call Eileen so you can get some kind of compensation
00:08:58Does that sound fair?
00:09:01Believe me, I will call Eileen
00:09:05That sounds... Thank you
00:09:07I really appreciate it
00:09:09You can leave now
00:09:12Leave now
00:09:15Now!
00:09:17Speaking of sleeping arrangements
00:09:21You know, we got one bed here
00:09:23I'm hoping you don't sleep naked
00:09:26Of course I'm not gonna sleep naked
00:09:28Good, because I didn't want us both being naked in the same bed, you know what I mean?
00:09:32You're not sleeping naked
00:09:34Dude, I gotta... I can't sleep in underwear, man
00:09:36I get all bound up and shit down there
00:09:38It doesn't work
00:09:39Underwear? Bullshit, man
00:09:40You're sleeping fully clothed, dude
00:09:41You're sleeping on the floor
00:09:43What are you, like, uh...
00:09:45Not quite sure of your masculinity, or...
00:09:47No, I just don't want to wake up with your masculinity poking me in the back
00:09:52So, does this mean, like, no cuddling?
00:09:57Was Richel was funny?
00:09:59But you're implying he is now?
00:10:02Well, let me just...
00:10:04Let me say something
00:10:05And I'm gonna be the one to say this
00:10:07It's not happening for Richie
00:10:09It's not happening
00:10:10Years ago, it might have
00:10:11And years and years ago
00:10:12But it's not now
00:10:13In a nutshell
00:10:15It's a night show with him calling
00:10:18I like to date the homeless
00:10:20And picking up a homeless...
00:10:21They're really easy to pick up, too
00:10:23It's like picking up a homeless woman's like
00:10:25Hey, baby
00:10:26Wanna keep warm?
00:10:30See the tall one?
00:10:31Oh, yeah?
00:10:32Her name's Nikki
00:10:33She's a stripper
00:10:34She wants me
00:10:35But, uh...
00:10:36Then again, who doesn't, huh?
00:10:38I gotta go
00:10:39A lot of comics were geeks
00:10:41Or nerds, or misfits, or whatever
00:10:42Back, you know
00:10:43It's true
00:10:44And they, uh...
00:10:45You know, they got into comedy
00:10:47To get back at the society that rejected them
00:10:50Or to get the women
00:10:53Who would never give them their time of day
00:10:55Really
00:10:56Because in order for a geek to get laid
00:10:57You've either gotta be famous
00:10:59Or own a software company
00:11:01And pay for a shitload of hookers
00:11:02And these guys would rather tell jokes
00:11:09So this is the comedy condo, as they say
00:11:11This is it
00:11:15Nobody said comics had to be neat, right?
00:11:17Just funny?
00:11:18Right
00:11:19Have a seat
00:11:21The comedy condo's kind of a...
00:11:23Sort of a vicious circle
00:11:25Like, the club puts absolutely no money into it
00:11:28Mm-hmm
00:11:29Because they know that some asshole comic's
00:11:31Just gonna get drunk
00:11:32And trash the place, so...
00:11:34That's why it always looks like shit
00:11:36But you can't really blame the club owners, though
00:11:38Because some comics are just idiots
00:11:40Like, I know some people
00:11:41Who do some, like...
00:11:42Crazy shit, like...
00:11:44So stupid
00:11:45Like, burn holes in the carpets
00:11:47And write on the walls
00:11:49Or get really drunk and pass out
00:11:52Or do really freaky shit to the couches
00:11:56So...
00:11:57Really?
00:11:59I don't mean that couch in particular
00:12:01I'm just giving you an example of
00:12:04What goes on in the comedy condo
00:12:07Actually, I think it was this couch
00:12:09I'd like to, uh...
00:12:10I'd like to get up
00:12:11And I'd like to, uh...
00:12:12I'd like to get one of these
00:12:14The Comics Bible
00:12:16A national paper or a local paper
00:12:19Mm-hmm
00:12:20Because there's usually...
00:12:21There's usually a story that can relate, you know
00:12:23That can fit into a bit
00:12:25That the locals will relate to, you know
00:12:28So you do a lot of current event material and...
00:12:33Not really
00:12:36Unless I see something good
00:12:39I'm gonna try to work it in
00:12:45What's up?
00:12:46You're back early, man
00:12:47What, uh...
00:12:48What happened to, uh...
00:12:49Nikki, uh...
00:12:50That girl you were working on, the stripper
00:12:52Godhead
00:12:55Oh, that's too bad, man, yeah
00:12:57I know how it feels
00:13:00Yeah, it was...
00:13:01Afterward, we're kicking it in her car and, uh...
00:13:03Um...
00:13:05Turns out, uh...
00:13:06You know, we're talking
00:13:07Whatever
00:13:09Turns out, uh...
00:13:10Nikki is short for Nicholas
00:13:13Yeah, he's a fucking transvestite
00:13:16Yeah, thank you
00:13:20Oh...
00:13:23Yeah
00:13:24Next time you see me talking to a chick after a show
00:13:26Just remind me, please
00:13:27To ask her if she's had any prostate trouble in her recent past
00:13:31Would you do that for me?
00:13:33Can I use that?
00:13:34Can I use that?
00:13:35Fuck you
00:13:37So what's your take on Sean?
00:13:39He's funny
00:13:40He's a funny guy
00:13:41Um...
00:13:42But...
00:13:43You know, the only thing is that
00:13:45With Sean, I mean, he...
00:13:48I think he's in it for the fame aspect, really
00:13:50To be honest
00:13:51Because he doesn't stick to one act
00:13:53He's always trying to come up with a gimmick
00:13:55Or, you know, to be a superstar
00:13:59Or he's always jumping on whatever bandwagon comes along
00:14:03Right
00:14:04To, like, get a TV series
00:14:06Anyway, I'm thinking about becoming a prop comic now
00:14:08I mean, I was watching that Potato Head guy
00:14:10His half-hour comedy special the other night
00:14:13And man
00:14:14That guy, he just, like, got a killing in the college market
00:14:18He's killing
00:14:19Are you sure you want to do that?
00:14:20I mean, really
00:14:21Because, like, that gives people no insight into who you are
00:14:25And most prop comedy is really stupid
00:14:30Yeah, but I don't know, man
00:14:31I mean, the people love stupid humor
00:14:32That's it
00:14:33People really love the stupid humor
00:14:34You gotta go for it
00:14:35I gotta go for it
00:14:36I'm thinking that's the way to go
00:14:37I think you should use, you know
00:14:38Work on your religious stuff
00:14:40And make a name for yourself that way
00:14:41Because that's really good
00:14:42And I got nothing against religion
00:14:43Like I said, my mom is very religious
00:14:45I've got nothing against religion
00:14:46I just have a different take on it
00:14:47You know what I mean?
00:14:48Because I'm thinking to myself
00:14:49God, by definition, is the supreme being, right?
00:14:53God's got a message for me
00:14:54God's smart enough to send me, like, a newsletter
00:14:57You know, something comprehensible, logical
00:15:00In a language that someone has spoken in the last 2,000 years
00:15:02You know
00:15:03The only thing that I get that resembles a newsletter, though
00:15:05Are these pamphlets that I get on my doorstep
00:15:07Every morning, every Saturday
00:15:08You know
00:15:09And I'm reading their pamphlet
00:15:10Because I'm a good sport
00:15:11I'm reading, I'm thinking to myself
00:15:12You know
00:15:13I don't think this is the word of God
00:15:14You know, I don't
00:15:15And maybe it's not really the pamphlet
00:15:17So much as it is the paper delivery boy
00:15:19That's bringing it to my doorstep, right?
00:15:21Because I'm looking at this guy going, yeah
00:15:23You know, man
00:15:24Nothing quite says divine messenger better
00:15:27Than a mustard-colored fake tweed jacket
00:15:29With Naga Head elbow patches
00:15:30You know what I mean?
00:15:31And he tells me he knows when the Armageddon is coming
00:15:33Well, judging by his pants
00:15:35Apparently it's coming in flood form
00:15:42Yeah, I heard something
00:15:48Hey, hey
00:15:49Hey
00:15:50Hey, brother
00:15:51That was some funny shit up there tonight
00:15:52Yeah, thanks, man
00:15:53Man, I ain't laughed that hard in a long time
00:15:55Really?
00:15:56For real, for real
00:15:57Yeah?
00:15:58For real
00:15:59Hey, you're alright, too
00:16:00But anyway
00:16:01That shit you were talking about
00:16:03You know, you were talking about
00:16:04Your parents dressing you
00:16:05Yeah
00:16:06I could totally relate
00:16:07Oh, yeah?
00:16:08My parents were the same way
00:16:09I mean, I let my wife dress me
00:16:10I mean, I let my wife dress me now
00:16:11But, like, you can see
00:16:13She's got a bit of a drinking problem, too
00:16:16Yeah, well
00:16:19You know
00:16:21I guess
00:16:22I guess my dad had a dick to photograph
00:16:25Hung like a mule, supposedly
00:16:28She checked to see if it was genetic?
00:16:29Uh-huh
00:16:30Huh?
00:16:31Nothing, he's just trying to be funny
00:16:34Well, leave it to a comedian to try to do a joke
00:16:41Well, I gotta go
00:16:43So soon?
00:16:45Yeah
00:16:46Yeah?
00:16:47Well, my wife's gonna get testy
00:16:49Because when she drinks
00:16:50She gets horny
00:16:52You know what I mean
00:16:53Oh, yeah, sure do
00:16:54Unfortunately
00:16:55But thanks for the visual
00:16:57Huh?
00:17:00Well, I gotta piss
00:17:01Okay
00:17:02You keep going, though
00:17:03You keep at it
00:17:05You're funny
00:17:06You're gonna make it
00:17:07Alright, thanks, man
00:17:08You're gonna make it
00:17:09I appreciate it
00:17:10Thanks, brother
00:17:11Alright
00:17:12Every fucking show
00:17:13There's always some guy
00:17:14Some drunk guy
00:17:15Who's gotta come up
00:17:16From the audience
00:17:17And relate to a story
00:17:18You know what I mean?
00:17:19Gotta tell you some badass joke
00:17:20Or whatever
00:17:21And every town you go to
00:17:22No matter how bad it is
00:17:23The smaller the town
00:17:24The smaller the crowd
00:17:25The worse the jokes
00:17:26Yeah, and the worse the breath
00:17:27Yeah, no shit, man
00:17:28My buzz got stronger
00:17:29Off each sentence
00:17:31Before today
00:17:33I was really thinking
00:17:34Is it all worth it?
00:17:35Or, uh
00:17:36Or should I just pack it in
00:17:37And go, uh
00:17:38Go back to work
00:17:39In 40 hours a week
00:17:40You know?
00:17:41But, uh
00:17:42Now that I got the good work
00:17:43From a man
00:17:44I think I'm gonna stick it out
00:17:47Because apparently
00:17:48I'm gonna make it
00:17:50So do you always walk
00:17:51To get your coffee
00:17:52In the morning?
00:17:53Yeah, I do
00:17:54I like to get coffee
00:17:55Or, uh
00:17:56Or, uh
00:17:57Breakfast
00:17:58Or something to eat
00:17:59You know
00:18:00It's hard to get exercise
00:18:01On the road
00:18:02So I like to, uh
00:18:03I like to walk
00:18:04As much as I can
00:18:05That sounds like a good idea
00:18:06Yeah
00:18:07Hey
00:18:08Hey, man
00:18:09Give me a dollar
00:18:11Come on, shit, dude
00:18:12It ain't for drugs
00:18:13Or booze or nothing
00:18:14Come on, seriously
00:18:15Look at me
00:18:16Fork it over, fucker
00:18:21Dude, I can't believe
00:18:22You just fucking gave that guy
00:18:23A buck, dude
00:18:24Shit, he didn't do anything
00:18:25He didn't even fucking
00:18:26Ask politely
00:18:27Yeah, did you hear
00:18:28The way he asked, though?
00:18:29I mean
00:18:30Give me a dollar
00:18:31What am I gonna do, huh?
00:18:32I'm not gonna argue with that
00:18:33Fuck it, it's only a dollar
00:18:34No, dude
00:18:35It's not the buck, man
00:18:36It's the principle of the matter
00:18:37I mean, you know
00:18:38He
00:18:39Jesus
00:18:40I mean, you gotta make him
00:18:41Work for this money
00:18:42I mean, Jesus
00:18:43What's he gonna do?
00:18:44Whittle me a plaque?
00:18:45Dude, I don't know
00:18:46Make him dance or something
00:18:47Raymond Burr
00:18:48He was so
00:18:49Massive
00:18:50Well
00:18:51Well, dare I say
00:18:52Thick
00:18:53Thick
00:18:54I think
00:18:55Thick is the word
00:18:56We're looking for here
00:18:57Oogling
00:18:58Well, oogling
00:18:59That's what you were doing
00:19:00And don't forget
00:19:01We met, Mr. Burr
00:19:03Lance and I
00:19:04While we were selling
00:19:05Men's furnishings
00:19:06Furnishings?
00:19:07Well, he's a huge man
00:19:08For God's sake
00:19:0922 neck
00:19:1138 sleeve
00:19:15And he owned his own island
00:19:17Ray, for God's sake
00:19:19He was his own island
00:19:20Yes
00:19:22Oh
00:19:23And every Friday night
00:19:25We would all
00:19:27Caravan up to Raymond Burr's house
00:19:29And have dinner
00:19:31Because he was
00:19:32Well, he was a gourmet cook
00:19:34Yeah, oh
00:19:35He made the best remaki
00:19:36Remaki
00:19:39Sorry
00:19:40Remaki to die for
00:19:42And we would
00:19:43Thank you
00:19:44And we would
00:19:45All be up there
00:19:47There you go
00:19:48All of us
00:19:49And we would have dinner
00:19:50And then we would put on a little show
00:19:53Much like
00:19:54Well, sort of a gay
00:19:55Our gang
00:19:56Mm-hmm
00:19:57He was Darla
00:19:58And I was
00:19:59Alfalfa
00:20:00Oh, yes
00:20:01And Raymond Burr would be there
00:20:03In his apron
00:20:04Mm-hmm
00:20:05And for God's sake, not much else
00:20:06Oh, no
00:20:09Good cast set
00:20:10Thanks, bro
00:20:11Fantastic
00:20:12Hey, you had a good set, too, man
00:20:13Oh, thanks, man
00:20:14Excellent
00:20:15I appreciate that
00:20:16The fuck?
00:20:17Dude, isn't that that dude you gave a buck to?
00:20:18Holy shit, you're right
00:20:20He's drinking a beer
00:20:22Oh, wow
00:20:25Hey, didn't I give you a dollar today?
00:20:27Hey, yeah, that's right
00:20:28Thanks, man
00:20:29I appreciate that, that's cool
00:20:30Yeah, but
00:20:31You said you weren't gonna spend it
00:20:32On drugs or booze
00:20:33And here you are drinking a beer
00:20:34What's up with that?
00:20:35No, no, no
00:20:36I used the buck that you gave me
00:20:37For the cover charge
00:20:38That's cool, you know
00:20:39Anyway, I wasn't gonna drink
00:20:40But, you know
00:20:41The club has a two-drink minimum
00:20:42And everything, you know
00:20:43What am I supposed to do?
00:20:44It's not my policy
00:20:45Yeah
00:20:46You know, so
00:20:47Like, you know
00:20:49Anyway, you know what?
00:20:50You were really funny tonight
00:20:51I gotta tell you
00:20:52That shit about your parents
00:20:53Dressing you is classic
00:20:54I remember guys like you in school
00:20:55You know, what a ridiculous
00:20:56Fucking look that is, you know
00:20:57So
00:21:00Anyway, man
00:21:01Keep it up, dude
00:21:02You're going places
00:21:09So, did you give it to him or what?
00:21:10No
00:21:12Got me on a technicality
00:21:14Technicality?
00:21:15What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:21:17He didn't use the dollar I gave him
00:21:18On the beer
00:21:19He used it on the cover charge
00:21:21And you fell for that?
00:21:22Dude
00:21:24Fucking go back over there, dude
00:21:26Alright?
00:21:27And fucking make him do
00:21:28The electric slide or something
00:21:29Dude, I mean
00:21:30He's got to fucking work
00:21:31For his money, dude
00:21:32Bucket, man
00:21:33It's only a buck
00:21:34Dude, it's not the buck
00:21:35It's the principle of the matter
00:21:36You got conned by a guy
00:21:37Wearing nine layers of clothing
00:21:38That's fucking sad
00:21:39No, no, no, it's cool
00:21:40It's cool
00:21:41I got something for my money
00:21:42Oh, yeah, what'd you get?
00:21:43Validation
00:21:44Oh, yeah?
00:21:45Did he relate?
00:21:46Yeah, you know, he did
00:21:47I got two experts
00:21:48Telling me I'm going places
00:21:49You know, I really wish
00:21:50I could live with that
00:21:51But, no
00:21:52That's not good
00:21:55Where's he going?
00:21:56I don't know
00:21:57So, uh
00:21:58I was thinking of
00:21:59Going dancing later
00:22:00Oh
00:22:01You know
00:22:02Find a club or something
00:22:03If you wanted to
00:22:04Come with us
00:22:05Oh, yeah
00:22:06I'm following you guys
00:22:07So, let's do it
00:22:08Alright
00:22:09Cool
00:22:10You know, we don't actually
00:22:12Know where to go
00:22:13So, if you have any suggestions
00:22:15Oh, I'm not as new here as you
00:22:18So, whatever you decide
00:22:19Is great
00:22:22Hey, so
00:22:23Did you get my money's worth?
00:22:24Oh, more
00:22:25Yeah
00:22:27He made me give him a buck, too
00:22:29Oh
00:22:30Well, I guess you showed him
00:22:32You guys ready?
00:22:42Champagne
00:22:43Color your eyes
00:22:45What's your sign?
00:22:47Are you hitting on me?
00:22:48Am I hitting on you?
00:22:49No
00:22:50It's for verification of this ID
00:22:53See
00:22:54If this ain't yours
00:22:55You might have the dates memorized
00:22:57But you're not gonna know the guy's sign
00:22:59Smart, huh?
00:23:00Fucking brilliant
00:23:01Uh
00:23:02I'm a Virgo
00:23:08Cool
00:23:09Five bucks
00:23:10Thanks
00:23:15Do I ever go to the comedy club?
00:23:16Do you ever go to the comedy club?
00:23:17I go every now and then
00:23:18Alright, I'll tell you what
00:23:20Four free passes
00:23:21Four free passes?
00:23:22Right there
00:23:23You come down
00:23:24Check us out
00:23:25We're gonna be there
00:23:26Sunday night
00:23:27Tomorrow's the last night
00:23:28We're gonna be there
00:23:29You come down and check us out
00:23:30Yeah, we'll be there
00:23:31Me and this guy back here
00:23:32We're gonna be there
00:23:33You come down and check us out
00:23:34But even if you don't go tomorrow
00:23:35Come anytime
00:23:36They're good forever, okay?
00:23:37I can go anytime?
00:23:38Anytime you want
00:23:39How's that sound?
00:23:40Great
00:23:41Sound good?
00:23:42Yeah
00:23:43Thank you
00:23:44Wait, wait, wait
00:23:45What?
00:23:46You forgot to pay the cover charge
00:23:47It's five bucks
00:23:48What are you talking about?
00:23:49I thought, you know
00:23:50Oh, all you thought
00:23:51You know
00:23:52I see how it is
00:23:53But there's strings attached
00:23:54You know
00:23:55I don't want your fucking free passes
00:23:58Because they're not really free, are they?
00:24:07Hey, um
00:24:09We're filming a documentary here
00:24:11And if you'll let us in
00:24:12We'll put you in the movie
00:24:13Really?
00:24:14Yeah
00:24:15You'll put me in the movie
00:24:16Yeah
00:24:23I love you baby
00:24:24Straight right through and through
00:24:25I love you in spite of
00:24:26All of the crazy things you do
00:24:27We're running around and drinking
00:24:28Staying out all night
00:24:29Well it don't take a lot of thinking
00:24:30To figure that you're right
00:24:31Oh, I'll never get enough
00:24:32Of the likes of you
00:24:33Fire you burn me up
00:24:34Oh, fire you burn me up
00:24:35We're gonna be there
00:24:36You come down and check us out
00:24:37But even if you don't go tomorrow
00:24:38Come anytime
00:24:39They're good forever, okay?
00:24:40I can go anytime
00:24:41Oh, all you thought
00:24:42You know
00:24:43I see how it is
00:24:44But there's strings attached
00:24:45You know
00:24:46I don't want your fucking free passes
00:24:47Because they're not really free, are they?
00:24:48I'ma get through
00:24:49We'll put you in the movie
00:24:50Really?
00:24:51Yeah
00:24:53Um, we're making a documentary film.
00:24:56Oh, really? What about?
00:24:57But this guy right here is a comedian.
00:24:59Oh, really? Is that right?
00:25:00Yeah.
00:25:01So you're filming now?
00:25:04We're filming right here.
00:25:05You know, he did a show here in town and now we're here.
00:25:08Oh, yeah. No, that's great, actually.
00:25:10I'll be very quiet.
00:25:12If you try to get out of the way, you know, whatever.
00:25:14But, you know, if the camera shows up,
00:25:16I'm going to cross my face.
00:25:18Very photogenic.
00:25:19Great.
00:25:20Very natural.
00:25:21Fantastic.
00:25:22So let me know if you're okay to do another round.
00:25:24Okay.
00:25:25Great.
00:25:27Thanks.
00:25:29So where are we going next?
00:25:31Um, well, see, Tuesday we've got to be in Sacramento.
00:25:36But Monday we've got a little one night or someplace in between.
00:25:40It's just, you know, I don't even know the name of the house.
00:25:43You don't sound happy about it.
00:25:45Nah, it's cool. It's cool.
00:25:48Why do you even do it?
00:25:51Well, you know, the lady who books it,
00:25:53she heard we were going to be out in this area,
00:25:55so, you know, so she asked if we would do it.
00:25:58And, you know, I figure we're going to be out here.
00:26:02It's a little extra cash.
00:26:03It's on the way.
00:26:04You know, what the hell.
00:26:06You know, it's an awful gig.
00:26:10A lot of owners or bookers will just book you right off that recommendation.
00:26:14Oh.
00:26:15That's how I get into a lot of clubs.
00:26:17I don't know.
00:26:20You're back soon.
00:26:22Didn't find no one to dance with?
00:26:24No, I did.
00:26:25I got slapped.
00:26:27You did?
00:26:28Turned on a charm early.
00:26:30Yeah.
00:26:31Huh?
00:26:32You know, I just didn't want the same thing to happen again,
00:26:35like it did the other night, you know.
00:26:37So, what'd you do?
00:26:39You grabbed her crotch and checked for a penis?
00:26:43Yeah, right.
00:26:46I just, uh, asked her if she was a woman.
00:26:51You just asked her if she was a woman?
00:26:53Yeah.
00:26:54You just came out and asked her if she was a woman?
00:26:57Yeah.
00:26:59Did she look like she could be a man?
00:27:01Not really.
00:27:03And again, neither did Nikki.
00:27:06What does she look like?
00:27:08She's all right.
00:27:09Like, I guess she's attractive.
00:27:12There she is.
00:27:14You're an asshole.
00:27:20What's going, Casanova?
00:27:24Way to pick up the chicks, huh?
00:27:26Hi, I'm Sean. Are you a man?
00:27:29That's all the line that gets me in bed.
00:27:31God, I could dance.
00:27:33I taught dancing at Arthur Murray Dance School in Sioux City, Iowa.
00:27:40True.
00:27:41I taught Dear Abby and her lovely sister.
00:27:44What is that other nosy bitch?
00:27:46Ann Landers.
00:27:47Ann Landers! Oh, oh.
00:27:49And I taught them how to dance in Sioux City, Iowa.
00:27:52Oh, good God, Sioux City.
00:27:54Try being artistic in that, oh, in Iowa, for God's sake.
00:28:00Sweet Jesus.
00:28:01Well, it was years and years ago.
00:28:04Got a call from the NBC people today.
00:28:06That's great.
00:28:08Was it an audition?
00:28:10No, actually, I had an audition about a month ago for a new sitcom.
00:28:14So, did you hear bad news about it, or?
00:28:18Yeah.
00:28:20Apparently, I'm too witty.
00:28:22Too witty?
00:28:23Mm-hmm.
00:28:24Hmm.
00:28:25Yep, they said that Intelligent Comedy was last season.
00:28:29They like my physical stuff, but, um,
00:28:32they don't anticipate physical comedy coming back into fashion for another year or two.
00:28:38That's insane.
00:28:41I mean, if you're funny, you're funny, right? I mean...
00:28:44Yeah, to everybody but the people who count.
00:28:48So, what did they say was in fashion?
00:28:52Impressionists.
00:28:54What about Impressionists?
00:28:56Nothing.
00:28:57It's just, I just, I got a call from NBC today,
00:28:59and they told me that my brand of comedy was out of fashion,
00:29:04and that Impressionists are in.
00:29:06God damn it!
00:29:07What?
00:29:08Yeah, I just fucking went out and spent like $2,000 worth of, like, you know, on toys,
00:29:14and I went to the toy stores and novelty shops and all these, like, you know, second-hand stores, you know,
00:29:19buying stuff to assemble and turn into my prop comic act,
00:29:22and now you're telling me it's worthless.
00:29:23Don't worry about it, man. I mean, it's just, you know, I don't know why you care.
00:29:26It's just one guy's opinion, and it'll probably change next week anyway.
00:29:31Yeah, you're probably right.
00:29:33Shit, what am I going to do, let it go to waste?
00:29:35I mean, look at the car out there, man.
00:29:37I got, like, I got, like, a trunk full of shit strapped to the roof.
00:29:45Fuck, man, I don't fucking know, right?
00:29:47We're in there for, like, fucking half an hour, we're eating some breakfast, come out, all my shit is gone.
00:29:51Fucking my, still my whole fucking act has been stolen.
00:29:54Man, this is worse than doing a set in front of Troy Mills.
00:29:56At least he only steals a couple jokes.
00:29:59I wonder, maybe let's have it a potato head.
00:30:02All right, guys, here's the deal.
00:30:03What exactly was missing from the trunk?
00:30:05Fucking everything, man.
00:30:06I fucking, I spent out, like, fucking, what?
00:30:08Twenty-five hundred fucking dollars worth of shit this morning, all right?
00:30:10Every fucking thing I had.
00:30:11My whole life savings was in that fucking trunk, all right?
00:30:14Now I got fucking nothing.
00:30:15Everything was in there.
00:30:16Okay, you're a comedian.
00:30:17Well, maybe you should rely on wit, not so much props.
00:30:20Look, man, I was fucking becoming a prop comic, so I didn't need to rely on wit.
00:30:24You obviously don't understand the business, so, you know.
00:30:27All right, well, here's the deal.
00:30:28Please stick to being a cop.
00:30:29Here's the deal.
00:30:30We're not going to put roadblocks up all over the city to find guys with stolen wigs and five-wheeled bicycles.
00:30:35Well, what the fuck are you going to do then?
00:30:36This is my fucking life savings, man.
00:30:38I understand that, but we're not going to block the whole road down for you.
00:30:40I mean, we'll do what we can to try to find you, and if we do, we'll call you.
00:30:43But here's a little advice.
00:30:44If you're going to be a comedian, maybe you should write some really good material.
00:30:47It's an idea, because then if this stuff happens, you can at least rely on your wit.
00:30:51All right?
00:30:52All right, whatever.
00:30:53Thanks.
00:30:54Talk to you later.
00:30:55Fucking comedy advice from Johnny Law.
00:30:57Now we know why they call him Ironside.
00:30:59Roll them on in.
00:31:02Oh, that's the Bronx theme song.
00:31:07Boom.
00:31:08Shit like this always happens.
00:31:09It does.
00:31:10That's why, you know, I hate to drive anymore.
00:31:11I never drive.
00:31:12And I fly as much as I possibly can.
00:31:14That wouldn't have fucking done me any good anyway.
00:31:16This shit always happens to me.
00:31:18You're right, man.
00:31:19You're right.
00:31:20I mean, bad luck follows you around like B.O. at a Grateful Dead concert.
00:31:24All I'm saying is that if I weren't a punk band, I would never sell out.
00:31:28You know what I mean?
00:31:29I mean, that's what punk's about, man.
00:31:31It's about, you know, it's about the scene.
00:31:34It's about saying, fuck corporate rock.
00:31:37And how can you say, fuck corporate rock, and then sign like a big three-album deal
00:31:41with like Atlantic or some big record label like that, you know what I mean?
00:31:44I mean, that's like a rabbi converting to Catholicism because somebody gave a couple
00:31:48of million.
00:31:49You know, all I'm saying is, be true to your convictions.
00:31:51You know what I mean?
00:31:52If you really believe something, believe it.
00:31:53And if you do, be true to your convictions.
00:31:54That's all I'm saying.
00:31:55I know.
00:31:56I agree with you.
00:31:57But, I got a question for you.
00:31:58What?
00:31:59How come you keep changing your act?
00:32:00You change your act into something you're not just so you can make it big.
00:32:01Isn't that kind of like selling out?
00:32:02I'm not in a punk band.
00:32:03Sean, come on.
00:32:04Hurry up.
00:32:05Let's get going.
00:32:06I'm coming.
00:32:07I'm coming.
00:32:08Just a second.
00:32:09I'm coming.
00:32:10I'm coming.
00:32:11I'm coming.
00:32:12I'm coming.
00:32:13I'm coming.
00:32:14I'm coming.
00:32:15I'm coming.
00:32:16I'm coming.
00:32:17I'm coming.
00:32:18I'm coming.
00:32:19I'm coming.
00:32:20I'm coming.
00:32:21I'm coming.
00:32:22I'm coming.
00:32:23I'm coming.
00:32:24I'm coming.
00:32:25I'm coming.
00:32:26I'm coming.
00:32:27I'm coming.
00:32:28I'm coming.
00:32:29I'm coming.
00:32:30I'm coming.
00:32:31I'm coming.
00:32:32I'm coming.
00:32:33I'm coming.
00:32:34I'm coming.
00:32:35I'm coming.
00:32:36I'm coming.
00:32:37I'm coming.
00:32:38I'm coming.
00:32:39I'm coming.
00:32:40I'm coming.
00:32:41I'm coming.
00:32:42I'm coming.
00:32:43I'm coming.
00:32:44I'm coming.
00:32:45I'm coming.
00:32:46I'm coming.
00:32:47I'm coming.
00:32:48I'm coming.
00:32:49There he is.
00:32:50He's um...
00:32:51Arizona and Texas.
00:32:52He said he overheard him saying something about San Jose too, so...
00:32:55It goes to anyone's guess.
00:32:56It's cool.
00:32:57Alright.
00:32:58I'm ready.
00:32:59Ready to go?
00:33:00Yeah.
00:33:01Alright, cool.
00:33:02Ready?
00:33:03Ready.
00:33:04Okay.
00:33:05All right.
00:33:06I've got the keys.
00:33:07Hey, do you know what you're gonna be doing tonight?
00:33:10Eh.
00:33:11Yeah, I guess I do.
00:33:13Alright.
00:33:14You already know?
00:33:16Yeah, yeah.
00:33:18excuse me bartender can I talk to you for a second huh I don't wanna be rude
00:33:23don't wanna get in your face nothing like that you know but I specifically
00:33:27ordered a margarita blended no salt huh and the salt on the rim no no no yes
00:33:33there is fucking salt right there I fucking taste the salt you the
00:33:37fucking salt right there huh you salted a little bit yes you know yes you did
00:33:42huh you fucking ordered for somebody else I think I'm the only guy here huh
00:33:46you see somebody else ordered a margarita you fucking prick hey Bill my
00:33:51friend Bill's gonna get something to drink you better not fuck up his order
00:33:53what do you want but you want some drink I'm not gonna drink you see because I'm
00:33:57thinking this time I'm gonna have something like a little a jello shot
00:34:01maybe just a jello shot can I get a little tipsy without getting off all
00:34:04over the water you know the fuck is wrong with you huh hey Chris you're
00:34:13drinking with this right you're gonna drink with us no I'm not drinking again
00:34:17we've gone out three nights in a row every night got to take a fucking cab I
00:34:20be damned if I'm gonna get in the cab with those fucking assholes again and
00:34:24fucking Nazi cab drivers are crazy hey man you were awesome tonight huh
00:34:30thanks man yeah I didn't know you could do all those voices I mean no no I can
00:34:36always do it I just never did that stuff well I didn't want to be known as like
00:34:39an hacker impressionist or nothing like that no man that's funny that was some
00:34:43really funny shit you should definitely keep that that's a strong closer oh you
00:34:48think so mm-hmm definitely oh that's good man did you get chance to talk to
00:34:52Jared uh not yet no no he said he's gonna come in here and talk to me though
00:34:57oh yeah he's in the middle of something I don't know how I couldn't have been
00:35:01happy though man you fucking you tore that crowd up tonight yeah yeah he'd
00:35:05have to be stoked oh so all right you have Jared's ears Sean
00:35:20to excuse us please yes rich have a seat and Sean yeah I like what I heard
00:35:28tonight I see potential no we'll talk later
00:35:32I definitely will use you in my clubs when I open the new ones in the future
00:35:38thanks great rich what can I say John told me you were funny and I can honestly
00:35:52say he was right I just have one question ask away what's your point I've
00:36:05been a bartender for 13 years actually actually 14 years and working in a
00:36:11comedy club is a little bit different than working in like dance clubs you
00:36:14know because at a dance club the bar is where it's happening you know what I
00:36:17mean people come to the bar they're yelling and screaming they're partying
00:36:20throwing money around they buy the drinks for me they tip me that's the way
00:36:25I could pull in like two bills a night here it's not so much you know I got to
00:36:29depend on the on the waitresses to tip me out and you know a lot of them got
00:36:35kids they're single moms and you know what's gonna happen there Julie how many
00:36:40kids you got none I like to get to know a lot of the comics come around here
00:36:48they're pretty cool you know figure like one of them will make it big and
00:36:52come back and get me you know sweep me off my feet we'll get married moved to
00:36:55like probably LA yeah we'd probably go to LA that's where the movie stars live
00:37:00you know we could buy like like a big truck with like big monster tires and a
00:37:05roll bar we totally live it up Jared decided to take me under his wing and
00:37:09mold me into a great comedian I mean who's a better authority on comedy than
00:37:14Jared he's been in the business what 25 years anyway he also told me to change
00:37:20my name make it into something funny so you know he said if you sound funny
00:37:24people are gonna think you're funny and I figured uh Bill hilarity boom what's
00:37:30funny than hilarity I mean hilarity means funny right funny's good yes yes
00:37:34funny is good but I require a little extra from my headliners I want to see a
00:37:42message I want them to give something to the audience I gave them what they
00:37:48wanted right I gave them laughter no no yes the thing that pisses me off about
00:37:58this job is the comedians they don't tip no generally they're like hey I'm the
00:38:03comedian I'm gonna pay you for the drinks you know they take that attitude
00:38:06with me and that really kind of pisses me off you know because they should tip
00:38:10because we don't really make the money I'd like to be a bartender that'd be
00:38:13cool you know make the drinks I'd be cool cuz I'm really creative I could do
00:38:18that yeah like taste them and like test them out like make up new drinks cuz see
00:38:22the other night I was at home and my roommate drank all the rest of my beer
00:38:26so I was mixing together whatever I had like vodka and tequila Kahlua little
00:38:32grenadine it's pretty good all right but while I was making it I was making
00:38:36macaroni and cheese for dinner and I ripped open that little powdered cheese
00:38:40packet you know and I spilled some in my drink and I wasn't gonna get rid of my
00:38:44drink cuz that's all I had you know so I stirred it up and I drank it it was
00:38:51pretty good yeah yeah the cheesy whore I'm the one in charge here really I'm
00:38:56the guy making the drinks I'm in charge of the comedy juice I'm pushing it out
00:39:00there if I make weak drinks it's gonna be a weak show if I make strong drinks
00:39:04gonna be a strong show and that's what I tell these fuckers when they don't tip
00:39:07me this could be one of those like theme drinks like a blowjob or like sex on a
00:39:11beach you know and you could have like a ritual that you'd have to go through the
00:39:14bartender set the drink up in front of you you'd have to say something like
00:39:18where's my fucking sandwich bitch nobody gathered around here and even if there
00:39:22was people here you're not supposed to talk cuz there's a fucking genius on the
00:39:26stage you know I mean rich when you get up on that stage you grab that
00:39:29microphone you're the leader they're looking to you for guidance comedy is
00:39:38not about humor or laughter or any of that superficial bullshit that people
00:39:43tell you it's about I'm still working on my jokes I don't get a lot of laughs
00:39:48Jarrett says that's okay he says comedy is not about laughter I'm pretty good
00:39:54for a beginner I'm not telling you how to do your act okay and I'm not telling
00:39:57you that I'm not gonna book you in the future cuz I like you all I'm saying is
00:40:03you need to work on a message I know what I'm talking about I've been around
00:40:09a long time I know a lot of people I have a lot of connections I've got a lot
00:40:15of people sitcoms a lot and I can do it again if I truly believe in that person
00:40:22your style of comedy's in right now that intelligent physical if I wasn't
00:40:28doing this I'll be honest with you I'd probably be a comedian myself because
00:40:31I'm a funny fuck you know I mean I'm twice as funny as the jerks that get up
00:40:37here but that comic lifestyle thing that's not that doesn't make it with me
00:40:42you know stretching from gig to gig no no they don't make any money they can
00:40:46make any money you ever seen the way these guys dress they're like fucking
00:40:50dirt poor and I like to live my life you know I have a certain standard that
00:40:53I like to live by you know I got a good car my apartment but I could be a
00:40:59comedian if I wanted to I got a lot of funny shit man like the other night this
00:41:03guy come this guy comes up to the bar and he says he goes I like sex on the
00:41:08beast and I said you're gonna have to get her permission on that one buddy I
00:41:13can I give you permission for that anyway that's just uh it's just an idea
00:41:19for a joke but I got hundreds of fucking funny jokes like that personally
00:41:25I think you're exactly what the networks are looking for right now what I'm
00:41:29saying here is that when my audiences leave my club okay not only do I want
00:41:35them to think yay I had a great time but I want them to be able to to believe
00:41:39that they they left there with something special they were able to take something
00:41:44special home with them have you tried selling t-shirts I'm working on this bit
00:41:50about the spotted owl I'm saving that for when I'm a headliner I'm he says
00:41:54it's all about the message Jared knows
00:42:03you see run at a comedy club it's not all about filling seats selling drinks
00:42:09and booking acts I'm sort of like a surrogate father to some of these young
00:42:15comics that come in here this club is it's like a home away from home you know
00:42:20and like a good father I want my comedians to do something with their
00:42:23lives to really make an impact on society to give back to the world you
00:42:28know why that's what comedy is all about it's about love it's about caring it's a
00:42:35wait a minute I'm not done here I'm making a point hey where the hell are
00:42:38you going hey who knows more about comedy than Jared you prick so can he
00:42:45really get you a sitcom? I don't know, that's what he says. He knows a lot of people he's been in business a while but this is
00:42:55Sacramento not exactly LA so could be on the level but he could just be like a
00:43:02big ego trip for him too but once we do a little spiel at the end I'll do it
00:43:09this club pays pretty well and it's got a bunch of crowd so I'll get it. Who are you calling?
00:43:14Jim Phillips, comedy contact. Really? Yeah, you know him? Yeah, you work for him?
00:43:20No, I've been trying to get in here for like fucking a year man just get to run around all the time.
00:43:24Really? Well, he loves me. Take him the phone. Really? Yes, Jim please, Rich Burns. Hello, hey Jim what's up it's
00:43:39it's Rich how you doing good good yeah oh I know yeah I'm gonna be there in
00:43:48March right yeah March 17th right excellent look I was wondering if you uh
00:43:55do you have a feature for that week oh really really okay I was thinking I was
00:44:03well I'm just gonna ask if I could bring my own Sean Payne but yeah he's good
00:44:09he's good no well I've been going on three weeks with him now yeah no he's
00:44:16he's rock of the room definitely okay he's right here hold on do you have um
00:44:23second week of April April yeah yeah he does all right all right excellent
00:44:36thanks Jim um yeah I'll see you soon okay I will bye bye you're in so we get
00:44:43April no shit yeah I tried to get us to work together but you know you had it
00:44:46filled so that easy well um I want to thank you all for coming out and I hope
00:44:58you had a good time because really that's what it's all about good times
00:45:03and good laughs right I mean they say laughter is the best medicine and and
00:45:11laughter is a cure-all both physically and mentally you know and if I could
00:45:20make just one of you laugh and brighten up your day and I've done my job and all
00:45:29I ask for you in return is that you go out and brighten up someone else's day
00:45:40by either telling them a joke or or giving them a compliment make someone
00:45:47smile because if if everyone can just make one person smile or put laughter on
00:45:56another person's lips and we can heal this torn nation and answer Rodney King's
00:46:08question yes we can all get along
00:46:19what the hell was that bullshit all right nothing Jared wants all his
00:46:26headliners to have a message message yeah she's stupid huh
00:46:32it's his fuck club man yeah do you think anyone bought it not a one I'm sort of
00:46:45screwing around just to show how stupid I'd look you know who doesn't think I was
00:46:50mocking them that was beautiful absolutely brilliant did I tell you or
00:46:57did I tell you you gotta trust Jared huh I've been in this business too long to
00:47:02be wrong baby hey I tell you what take note of your friend here if you ever
00:47:06want to be a headliner he's good
00:47:17hey what's happening I didn't think you made it yeah I came in a little late but
00:47:25you know I only missed like two minutes of your act wow you look great you look
00:47:30oh this is Cheryl by the way the one-year documentary and unscathed crew
00:47:35hi and this is the other comic rich hi hi this is Alyssa I'm sorry my sister
00:47:42Alyssa oh you look nothing like Sean thank God I know well we're not really
00:47:48related oh you're not like stepbrother and sister kind of it's a long story
00:47:56maybe I'll tell you about it later yeah actually you know I live here in sack
00:47:59maybe we can get together later on in the week and hang out or something I
00:48:03thought you were really funny oh really sure I thought be great yeah go get a
00:48:09cup of coffee or something yeah tell me how to sister yeah it wasn't didn't know
00:48:14that was supposed to be your own personal check fucking glory hey man
00:48:18picking up on your sister Jesus Christ Sean we're just talking overreacted I
00:48:28guess I was just had this kind of thought of my sister Dana comic stupid
00:48:37rich isn't like you yeah pretty much yeah sorry man I don't know get us some
00:48:47drinks or something I'll go with you won't you see you mind talking so how
00:48:53exactly you two related his dad was gonna marry my mom and we lived
00:48:59together for about five years or so in high school and then his dad cheated on
00:49:05my mom and they broke up but during that time we called each other brother and
00:49:10sister because I had two other friends named Sean and a cousin named Sean so
00:49:15when I would say Sean people would say Sean who Sean Andrews Sean McNamara your
00:49:21cousin or your brother so it just became my brother right and then after
00:49:25our parents broke up we just kept calling each other brother and sister
00:49:29you know I guess it's because we're the same age you know we developed a tight
00:49:34bond or something have you always been close even from the beginning no not at
00:49:38all at first he would always try to get with me you know and you know when I
00:49:44think about it now it's really kind of gross you know it seems so incestuous
00:49:49now so you're saying that Sean picked up on you yeah like when we'd watch a
00:49:55scary movie or something he'd act all scared and then try to cuddle up to me
00:49:59and then sometimes you know he would say that he couldn't sleep and he'd want to
00:50:04come into my room and sleep with me in my bed and even when we got older you
00:50:09know he always always had to hug me and they were long hugs to come to think of
00:50:14it he still does it but you never thought about it I mean even before you
00:50:19consider yourself related oh no no way I mean he was he was gross I mean when
00:50:26we first met he was so white trash you know he and his dad they're from the
00:50:31mountains I'm from Los Gatos you know we're just a totally different class of
00:50:37people you know not to sound snobby or anything that's just the way it was you
00:50:41know and you should have seen his clothes I mean so thrift store and I'm
00:50:47not talking like retro cool thrift store I'm talking Goodwill thrift store
00:50:52wrangler oh yeah totally dirty smelly yeah stinky you know yeah but luckily
00:51:00you know under my guidance he's completely changed you know I've washed
00:51:04the white trash completely out of him hey I met a chick we're going to strip
00:51:10club you guys want to go with so do you get the runaround a lot what you kidding
00:51:16me yeah check this out yeah can I speak to Brad please yeah this is Sean Payne
00:51:46yes I sent him a tape and I was just calling to check up no thanks I'll just
00:52:01hold that's fine I'm on my parents phone
00:52:17you know actually you know what I can I'll tell you where I can from where you
00:52:20can find him he's in a fucking meeting you're never gonna work there I know I
00:52:26don't even want to work there anymore man it's like fucking you know someday
00:52:30I'll work there you know he'll be calling me I'll work there for triple
00:52:33money so do you start to put up with that stuff too to a certain extent yeah
00:52:40I mean I can get a lot more recommendations now but you know I mean
00:52:46unless you're a household name and you've been on the biggies like Carson
00:52:49or Leno Letterman the mo show or you have your own HBO special and you still
00:52:54got a proof to them that you're good I was on the star search of its day the
00:52:59Ted Mac amateur hour oh yes lovely and I well I would put on mother's dress and
00:53:06mother lovely lovely person wonderful human being dare I say true candidate
00:53:15for sainthood god bless us all we have a homeless problem in LA but a lot of
00:53:24people say it's a homeless problem I don't like to call it a problem I hi oh
00:53:29so I hear you're the chick who's doing the documentary on rich yeah yeah that's
00:53:35me I'm I'm the chick I I didn't mean oh no I'm Todd hi how's it going I'm Todd
00:53:43nice to meet I'm a comic too I'm from Sacramento great oh cool you just
00:53:48starting out no no I'm a pro I've been doing this years yeah I'm just taking a
00:53:54little time off you know I've gotten a little too much work lately and figured
00:53:58you know I'm surprised you haven't heard of me yeah I you know I do shows all the
00:54:04time no I'm no comedy aficionado we can't all be so well no I mean you know
00:54:22you're not really big into originality I'm not bagging on him okay he's a buddy
00:54:33of mine I'm just saying you know most of the jokes most of the ones that are
00:54:37really working for him I kind of helped him with yeah I'd say I uh I'd say I
00:54:42wrote about half the act yeah the punchlines really Wow you so so you're
00:54:48saying that I'm not saying stole I'm just saying borrowed smoke so much pot
00:54:57like that actually that you actually that joke right there yeah yeah it was
00:55:02crap before I helped him out with it he ran it by me and I you know threw him a
00:55:07line or two and he he slipped me some chump change for it really yeah Wow you
00:55:13wrote that punchline don't say anything to him because a lot of times when a
00:55:16comic buys a joke you know they get testy about it they want everyone to
00:55:20think they wrote it so yeah don't try not to well bring it out you know for
00:55:27riches yeah I mean wow I don't know what to say that's that's that's that's
00:55:32interesting I'd love to see you sometime Oh lucky you I'm coming by tomorrow
00:55:37night and yeah I'm gonna do a little little set so you're gonna be around I
00:55:41will be here get ready to get blown away okay all right yeah it was nice
00:55:47meeting you nice meeting you Todd Adams like uh excuse me sorry I didn't I suck
00:56:00dick well I'm sorry I don't know what your boyfriend told you here but I've
00:56:04never seen him before so we're not gay dude and I said you suck dick short for
00:56:14rich right and my father's name was dick and he used to call me little dick my
00:56:25friends used to call my friends used to call up and my mom would say what do you
00:56:28want to speak to the big dick or little dick
00:56:32I mean it's tough like when uh you know meeting girls it's tough when your name's dick
00:56:39remember my last name's Burns Dick Burns so you know about five years ago we
00:56:47started taking off done pretty well made a little money had a lot of fun right
00:56:51yeah aren't you Dre Sims yes host of hip-hop comedy showcase right oh damn
00:56:56I'm I'm a huge fan of your show man thank you very much man I saw your set
00:56:59all right it was all right oh that's cool man I'm such a fan I swear I love
00:57:03your show sit down all right oh cool man cuz I uh oh shit sorry about that but I
00:57:07didn't get all over you there so what's the deal with this guy Todd Adams Todd
00:57:12Adams yeah thank you well he said that you were using his material or you what
00:57:19I was using he said that I was using his material well yeah I mean something like
00:57:26that like you bought his jokes or you bought his material I bought my material
00:57:30from Todd Adams he made a big point of saying it yeah I was wondering what it
00:57:37takes to actually get on the show I'd like to get on the show if I could you
00:57:41understand that it's a black show oh yeah yeah and you realize you're white
00:57:46yeah what's the problem black show like the Apollo right black
00:57:54audiences I'm coming to see black comics yeah but I work black rooms all
00:57:58time they'd love me black audiences love me I kick ass in the black room I got to
00:58:01tell you man I've had a few white people on before man they suck man they don't
00:58:05they don't do very well yeah but do I can do it you know why cuz I'll tell
00:58:09you something cuz I'd know like no color lines okay I don't know no color lines
00:58:14and I don't even think to be honest with you that color has anything to do with
00:58:17pigmentation okay so wait if color has nothing to do with pigmentation what is
00:58:23color it's about what you have to say man it's like well you know who you are
00:58:28what's your point is what's your message to all the people that that's what it's
00:58:31about your message yeah so you've been talking to Jared right I'm serious man
00:58:36I'm totally serious cuz no look dude I can do a good thing I can do a black
00:58:39okay black comedy all right from a white perspective black comedy from a white
00:58:46perspective yeah I speak of bionics okay wait okay I'll tell you what I'm gonna
00:58:50give you my card all right we're having auditions all around the country you
00:58:53know and we'll be back here in about six months and I'll get you an audition for
00:58:57next season really for reals yes for reals YBT now come on
00:59:01dude that's killer man that sounds so cool I'm gonna be in touch don't don't
00:59:05say killer no all right word huh thanks man six months I'll call you six months
00:59:14all right no soon that guy he opened for me at a one-nighter in Montana he's
00:59:22been waiting he's been asking me to take him on the road with with me this shit
00:59:28he he lives here and he can't even get into this club well actually he said he
00:59:33was gonna be here tomorrow night and I should totally check out the show he's
00:59:37doing a guest set yeah no shit oh man I am gonna give him so much shit no you
00:59:45know what I'm very yet I don't even have to he's gonna hang himself up there
00:59:48what's up talking about Todd Adams you know okay
00:59:53oh yeah he's at the bar earlier not not funny right no he sucks yeah yeah he
00:59:59know he told Cheryl that I buy my material from him yeah I know man he's
01:00:08doing a guest set here tomorrow night you're gonna beat his ass or what I beat
01:00:11his ass do you get you said no you know let me beat him let me do it cuz I
01:00:14fucking first first first I'm gonna let him do it with set he's gonna he'll
01:00:22fucking beat his own ass yeah did I uh I saw you talking to
01:00:28Dre Sims over there what's that about I don't know it's talking to him about a
01:00:33get an audition for hip-hop comedy showcase why I mean why dude have you
01:00:41seen that show have you seen the people on that show dude yeah they all do the
01:00:45same act exactly and they get the like TV show at the ass okay everybody that's
01:00:49been on that is now working in like sitcom or movies or something dude I'm
01:00:54thinking that's my calling yeah but Sean you forget one minor thing
01:01:01you're white they don't like white people on that show that's not true they
01:01:06just don't relate to what most white comics are talking about that's the
01:01:11problem uh-huh I'm gonna do a whole different set okay I'm gonna do black
01:01:15comedy all right from a white perspective black comedy from and what
01:01:25are you gonna talk about growing up in the hood you're from Los Gatos
01:01:28California vanilla latte what do you what are you could you possibly relate
01:01:32to you said it yourself they all do the same act right all I got to do is watch
01:01:38some of the tapes watch the show then all I gotta do is like take that all the
01:01:42niggas and change it to like crackers or honkies I'm fucking set oh good luck
01:01:48man you got a set of balls on you anyway I'll tell you that maybe it'll work
01:01:53damn straight dude I had to tell you that hot shit was so fucking great it
01:02:03was so fucking true man yeah I can't believe you don't smoke pot no more man
01:02:11you're fucking lying you're a closet toker and it's 420 dude I got some kind
01:02:24bud loaded in my bong right now in the parking lot it's fired up bro oh thanks
01:02:30but I really did quit pot smokers don't quit they graduate I'm just giving you
01:02:40you really you actually you drive around with with a bomb actually it's a water
01:02:47pipe I work at one of those head shops and it's illegal for us to call it a
01:02:51bong that's why when you go in there they always say it's for tobacco really
01:02:57no shit yeah cuz like pots like fucking illegal you know really uh-huh
01:03:05thanks man thank you yeah dude is that thing on bro yeah
01:03:21hey man can you do like that squiggly thing to my face like on cops because if
01:03:26my boss sees this I'm fucked and if my parole six months I have to keep a job
01:03:33oh yeah we come here all the time and this is the first time we've been here
01:03:45twice in one week though this rich burns guy is hysterical we love dick dick
01:03:50rocks we love dick the good news is Jared has decided to give you five
01:03:55minutes of his stage time great you'll be wearing that yeah pretty cool huh so
01:04:02five minutes means you're off the stage by 820 not 821 not 819 820 I got it got
01:04:09it 820 all right no problem you're gonna watch my magic I'll be watching cool
01:04:15cuz I'm gonna kick some ass pay attention okay we'll see
01:04:31how's it going y'all I'm Todd Adams you doing pretty good yeah good so I'm a
01:04:37comic I'm from Sacramento's the Freshmaker the Freshmaker yeah all right
01:04:46so uh been traveling around quite a bit you know trying to watch a little TV
01:04:53a little bit of the and can cook what's the deal with that motherfucker anyway
01:04:56didn't my dad he's got like five minutes when's he gonna get to his set you know
01:05:03I'm talking about mister right yeah he knows so I'm I'm taking a shit right and
01:05:09it's not one of the nice chunky ones one of the easy ones that you're gonna use
01:05:15less than half a roll I'm talking about a wet one you know where it's like going
01:05:19down and splashing on my butt you know sir yeah you feel me on that my dad I
01:05:25can't I told I specifically told him five minutes five minutes and I've been
01:05:32giving him the light now for like two minutes at seven minutes you know it is
01:05:37he's inconsiderate he is oblivious to his actions and he's inconsiderate and
01:05:41I'm something clever like balls anew you ever you ever drink and yeah you know
01:05:51you wake up the next day with injuries you know like a broken hand from beating
01:05:55your kids beat your kids is what I'm getting at you know what I'm saying be a
01:06:01lot less trouble in the world of people just keep the spanking going and I'm not
01:06:05just talking about me and the neighbor it's the other lights yeah you oh this
01:06:12haha oh hey he's never gonna work about it again it's cuz I specifically told
01:06:20him five minutes what is it ten minutes I've told him already oh he is like him
01:06:29so this is dirty Saki's impression of Jack Nicholson okay everybody ready
01:06:35dirty Saki doing Jack Nicholson you knew Jack Nicholson is sir yeah okay well
01:06:42here we go here's Saki get him off my stage get him
01:06:52Jared stage don't we don't you have an MC for this or what I have him on a very
01:07:00important project he cannot be interrupted right now I don't care what
01:07:06you say just get him off the friggin stage okay all right come on go all
01:07:10right so uh yeah how about a hand for your weight staff everybody on your
01:07:15weight staff working yeah I'll tell you something one of these girls is gonna
01:07:19have a kid I've decided plenty of time so I travel around the country a lot
01:07:29been over to Wyoming boy those people are stupid I I was thinking about so how
01:07:44about those Asian drivers huh Jesus Christo hey so folks thanks a lot I'm
01:07:56Todd Adams tip your weight well okay hey what the hell was that what was what
01:08:04what the fuck are you doing up there I said five minutes but did I say five
01:08:08minutes you said five minutes see I said five minutes and you did ten minutes I
01:08:12had to have your ass dragged off the friggin stage what the fuck you doing
01:08:15well I figured you know since I was killing killing you were killing me what
01:08:21audience were you performing in front of you were killing my business look pal
01:08:24when I say five minutes I mean five minutes five minutes period you're never
01:08:30gonna work here ever I never want to see you in my club again now get the fuck
01:08:35out of here hey the door is that way I gotta get my stuff out of the green room
01:08:42oh you gotta get your stuff yeah I tell you what I'll give you five minutes can
01:08:47you do five minutes that'd be really good come on I'll give you a light at
01:08:52four see I still got the light see can you see it now is it close enough what
01:08:57do you think I was trying to do land a fucking plane hey buddy hey thanks man
01:09:05sure hey you know that joke about yen can cook
01:09:13did you paid yeah you yeah yeah I've said what time uh what time's the plane
01:09:22taking off tomorrow early like eight o'clock I think I got a check I get back
01:09:28to the condo you know you need a ride back to the airport or something cuz I'm
01:09:32taking off early in the morning so if you need a ride you know um no I think
01:09:36so but Jared said you'd give me a ride oh really mm-hmm oh that's cool um yeah
01:09:42I think I don't know I'm thinking about uh so what are you gonna do you gonna
01:09:45you're gonna hang out are you going back to the condo right now or what's going
01:09:48on all right I think I'm gonna bail oh I think yeah I think I'm gonna get
01:09:54packed and go to bed oh yeah I'm thinking about uh you know
01:10:01hanging out for a little while oh yeah blow my check you know something like
01:10:05that I don't know have fun yeah thanks man hey um hey did I was gonna ask you
01:10:10did Jared did Jerry didn't given you a week back here already told me call him
01:10:13next week oh really yeah he loves me now oh really that's cool yeah he uh he
01:10:18says he's gonna put a call into his friend at the mo show oh really does he
01:10:21actually know people at the mo show or what I don't know so he says really find
01:10:25out well good luck with that man I hope I hope that goes for you thanks man
01:10:29give me a call when you get back oh I will hang out or something yeah
01:10:32definitely thank you sure again sure hey you two drive home safely okay okay
01:10:39bye hey we'll see you man all right buddy so uh so uh what do you think me
01:10:48now you know oh funny interesting stimulating yeah but you still don't
01:10:56have a chance I figured you know what the hell right I mean probably last time
01:11:02I'm gonna see you right I might as well at least try I probably would have been
01:11:05strangely disappointed if you hadn't so then I can't have a lane I'll have a
01:11:09like good goodbye hug something like that oh god no no your sister yeah she
01:11:14might be jealous the whole oh really yeah I kind of knew she liked me with
01:11:18what you say so how are things since I last saw you good good I uh I got it I
01:11:24got a spot on the mo show you did congratulations thank you so so when is
01:11:29it happening um two weeks from Thursday I'll be there
01:11:34thanks guys but wait there's more I got one for you what's this right here huh
01:11:37huh Kate Moss clothes hanger right there that's right I found this floating out
01:11:42in the ocean out there you know what kind of wood that is right there sir
01:11:43right there it's a Natalie wood yeah actually he called me yesterday yeah
01:11:54it's gonna be back up at Jared's next week for the comedy hip-hop showcase
01:11:59audition I'm gonna go yeah do you want to go yeah all right everybody want y'all
01:12:06to kick on back and relax and enjoy this next young man coming up to the stage
01:12:10right now from Los Gatos California show your love for Sean Payne what's up what's
01:12:16up how you guys doing what's going on hip-hop comedy showcase I pull down my
01:12:21pants and bitches like god damn man that's the whitest brother I have ever
01:12:25seen you know I mean and I'll be like they're looking at me they're like damn
01:12:28man this guy he's got like more white meat than Thanksgiving stay in the
01:12:33pussy for days man stay in the book no cuz we have to you know what I mean
01:12:36cuz we ain't got that big shit that y'all guy you know I mean so we gotta
01:12:39stay in we gotta stay there for like three four days you know hey you know we
01:12:42invented oral sex too right you know that you know the brothers don't be
01:12:46doing that shit we invented that shit I make a picnic out of you know I take a
01:12:49bib and shit I'm all up in that motherfucker you know I'm sorry I just
01:12:52get dirty you know I'm sorry but there really is you can see it in like in like
01:12:59the cars we drive cuz like a white guy man cracker drive like a little economy
01:13:05car right it's small you know it gets good gas mileage goes long on one tank
01:13:11you know I'm talking about but a brother drive a big-ass motherfucking caddy I
01:13:15mean it's like just big I mean this ain't made for the daily commute right
01:13:19it's big and flashy it's like yo check this shit out it's like the fucking joy
01:13:24ride it's the pleasure shit right they just roll you know I'm talking about
01:13:26because I mean think about it man I mean nigga don't give a fuck about no ozone
01:13:30right I mean nigga be blasting holes up in that motherfucker
01:13:37few days later it was Richard's turn on national television anyway thank you for
01:13:42your time and I've been rich burns good job very funny thank you thanks no you
01:13:59know believe it or not I saw a couple years ago at a club in Hollywood I don't
01:14:05have named a club though oh really well I guess I must have left a pretty good
01:14:10impression on you then actually you did thanks thanks well yeah I've been
01:14:16working hard well how long you been doing comedy just three minutes it's okay
01:14:23no I mean in your entire career oh oh like ten years or so ten years yeah Wow
01:14:32well you know what they say there's no such thing as an overnight success so
01:14:37you are still enjoy doing the the road the traveling the people or have you
01:14:41gotten sick of it by now oh no no I love it I love it I do I mean sure it could
01:14:46be tedious on the road at times but no I mean I've got the greatest job in the
01:14:50world I I get to travel around and make people happy no I mean what more can I
01:14:57ask for well you do a fine job at it and please keep it up
01:15:02ladies and gentlemen Rich Byrne
01:15:07so there you have the life of a stand-up comic some may end up on the road for
01:15:12life for some that road leads to mega stardom others may eventually turn off
01:15:16the road and some may never find the road at all but for those who truly love
01:15:21what they do there is no better life I'm Cheryl Larson and as they say in the
01:15:26clubs thank you for supporting live comedy
01:15:32Oh
01:16:02yeah like fire you burn me up
01:16:17like fire you burn me
01:16:32Oh
01:17:02Oh
01:17:13gray yes I think we need to get back to Richie oh this is this is about Richie I
01:17:21think he's brilliant oh I think he has a wonderful stage okay and I also think he
01:17:27has a warmth and a charisma that oh it's just unstoppable God what would you
01:17:33know about charisma you know he's not even a handsome manchild he he's got the
01:17:41teeth of Thai power and and well what do you know you have no taste
01:17:47obviously look at what I crawl into next to every night oh please I was the one
01:17:53who took you in I I had a thing for a wounded animal you this coming from a
01:18:04man you know nothing about show business that Lakasha full was a documentary you
01:18:11you you goddamn festering old snatch well to you stop your camera I I'm
01:18:21finished