• 5 hours ago
Asmongold Reacts to: ubisoft's billion dollar game CUCKED by a meme
by @FLEEKAZOID https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiMEO3mMu88
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Transcript
00:00I've been playing this game a little bit off-stream
00:03Men only want one thing and it's not money. It's not power. It's imposing my feminine dominance, brother
00:14Sorry didn't mean to hit you with the hard yar right out of the gates
00:17I've just been very pepped up ever since they shut down all those hooters now
00:21Where am I supposed to find me future wife? I still haven't replaced my go-to and just find her on only fans
00:28Anyways after 84 long years the Japanese have returned to Hawaii this time bearing
00:34After 84 long years the Japanese have returned to Hawaii just a second
00:39Oh
00:56That's a classic
01:00Gifts a gift that combines two of the greatest there are pirates and yakuza
01:06Games are like a cocaine did LSD then smoked a bowl Japan before and after the nukes, right?
01:23All it takes is minutes to go from some poor lady mourning the loss of higher
01:28Family to a 60 year old man blasting the Angry Birds the only that's right pirate ship shooting his laser
01:34That's right purple cannon purple cannon purple cannon purple cannon and a ship full of clowns then top it it off
01:40Wait, I think they're okay in purple cannon purple cannon and a ship. Oh my god
01:48They even have reddit representation
01:51Full of clowns then top it it off by strafing their poop deck with a fully automatic non-lethal flintlock
01:57That sentence only even exists in a yakuza game and that's the abbreviated version man
02:02I think these games can't get any wilder. They add an entire minigame. That's basically duck
02:07I've instead of Rhea they have a minigame in one of the yakuza games where you can literally basically just watch porn
02:19I don't know how that happened. But yeah
02:24In the ducks flying out of the trees you're reacting to old up guys jumping out from behind a dumpster
02:31There is not a single franchise that has as much fun as yakuza does
02:36I plan on finishing. I never understood how good these games were until I played this
02:43Like I'm I'm getting close to being done with Monster Hunter Wilds and like at least I kind of getting to where like I'm no
02:49Longer, I'm just like playing it kind of for fun. I'm not like grinding anymore
02:54The pirate yakuza game is so fun and
02:58After I finish that I'm gonna play another yakuza game to these games are amazing
03:05Single one of these games that sit permanently on my hard drive waiting to give me joy
03:10But one of the things I find most interesting about yakuza is that it shows how simple fun can be therefore accentuating how?
03:17incompetent you have to be
03:20To
03:23Make something that isn't for like let's say for example
03:26I don't know you throw the GDP of Bosnia and make it a pirate game and then you don't even put any shipboarding in it
03:31Well, how about you're making a new addition to your franchise all about jumping? It's like imagine. This is what's so sad
03:38it's like imagine being Ubisoft spending the better part of a decade making a pirate game and
03:44Then a Japanese company that doesn't even make pirate games
03:50They make a spin-off game that just totally blows yours out of the water
03:56Like they're not even trying it's like you're you're losing a race to a person who's not even in it
04:05Del then you make an entire character that cannot fucking jump or be stealthy or you pilfer the Singaporean government's booty
04:12This mini-game to show for pirate yakuza was made in a cave with a box of scrap
04:18It's built like a hot dog
04:19It's just the assholes and elbows of all the other yakuza games made probably about a goddamn year and yet their weakest mini-game is
04:26Fucking dull. That's right an entire goddamn sport a sport that I lost an entire evening to by the way
04:33Listen, we'll get back to the UB slide
04:34Tried to play that one where you they do the batting at the explosive things and in this game
04:39I could not fucking figure it out. I was so bad at it. I quit
04:44Second, I'm like the John Daly of putt-putt. That's right. I'm severely this guy by the way
04:49I'm in a second. I'm like the John this guy. I watch a video about this dude. This dude's a fucking legend
04:57Like he is he's a fucking legend like yeah, all he does is smoke cigarettes drink diet coke and eat candy
05:06Daily of putt-putt. Yeah, right. I'm severely overweight and I have a gambling problem. What the fuck you gonna do about it?
05:11You're sticking your no, didn't he beat Tiger Woods while he was drunk. I
05:17Think it was even more than that
05:21Yeah, or maybe he was drinking while he was doing that the tournament yeah exactly
05:26The hungover. Okay. Yeah, there you go. Always drunk
05:30Where the trick could be aiming your balls towards the audience and then cranking it as hard as you possibly can
05:39Nice or the trick could be aiming on top of the whole than cranking the ball in the opposite direction of the wind. Oh
05:45it as hard as you possibly can nice or the trick could be aiming on top of the
05:52hole then cranking the ball in the opposite direction of the win oh or the
05:58trick could just be not breaking the ball at all that's what I did listen the
06:05point is the trick can be whatever you want it to be as long as you have a copy
06:09of from your girl for now let's circle back to you be soft I I mean if we're
06:13talking about the minigames let's just talk about him right I thought I
06:16wouldn't enjoy playing bingo until I was old and couldn't get hard anymore but as
06:20it turns out you don't have to be old bingo is actually kind of the bees knees
06:24pimp and even better news we can beat it using the same trick that we just used
06:28on regular golf can't get your platform to work with you it happens to the best
06:33of us yeah the trick here is taking it's like dude this is like Mario party but
06:38with Japanese gangsters $50 and heading on down to a whorehouse in Chihuahua
06:45see what did I tell you history is written by the autist with pirated Adobe
06:49software you never get that many games and pirate yachts are ranged from being
06:53hit by a Honda while delivering someone's little Caesars and bros being
06:57guys yeah when man things at a heterosexual manner but if you're in the
07:00totally normal game probably didn't make it out to you guys so instead check out
07:04explosive baseball this is the one I did when you smack holes and wait to see
07:08which one blows up the entire building it's actually way easier than fucking the
07:12rest of their oopsie yeah I couldn't figure anything out upon me that we I
07:17was so bad viewed the game yet in this review hey you know what if we made it
07:21this far why start now next mini-game this is some shit the CIA probably used
07:28to torture Iraqis Marty the type of minigame that fundamentally breaks a man
07:32in Guantanamo Bay the other end knowing every line in the Bible Marty as I'm
07:36shitting outside and watching the price is right at two o'clock on a Tuesday
07:40Marty hasn't eaten well-done steaks and jerking off to soft-core Marty this
07:45ain't the type of rock bottom men come back from Marty come on you little green
07:49bastard you better get in that goddamn hole you better stay up you'll piece of
07:52shit I remember I think it was like rich it was that like some party and he
08:13played one of these crane games and he spent $40 on it and I'm pretty sure he
08:21got one stuffed animal and it wasn't even the one he wanted the worst part
08:29about it is like now be kind of awkward if I posted the video but I've made a
08:33video of him doing that and like he was playing this other game and he was like
08:37gambling on two machines at the same time at this like random fucking arcade
08:42place it was nuts man post it there's a lot of yeah there's a lot of content you
08:47guys never saw is that they never give us action players any of those advanced
09:01business building minigames turn-based players get what do you guys think we're
09:05stupid or something you think that you think we're some kind of fools you
09:08bastards I'm the goddamn master of minigames I conquered the one-shot
09:11challenge so hard they had me redo the same level over and over so they can
09:15marvel at my great the audacity you know you're the fools that's what I
09:22think that takes us back around to Ubisoft but I just gotta tell you about
09:27the Coliseum minigame first can I tell you about the Coliseum minigame I've
09:30been waiting to tell you about the Coliseum minigame all day a lot of
09:33people think the Coliseum is just some kind of condensed way to enjoy all the
09:37pirate parts of the game but what we're actually trying to figure out here is
09:40what mental illness is the strongest in battle this is like deadliest warrior
09:44if instead of Spartans versus ninjas it was sociopaths versus chronic depression
09:49or bipolars versus anime this is great yeah I don't know why they don't make
09:56more games like this he's a gamer yes the guy gets it exactly you didn't
10:01finish the game most games I don't finish on stream most games I eventually
10:07finish off stream that's just how I am key to surviving the Coliseum though is
10:13constant drifting enemy shooting at you yeah you need to shoot at the enemy
10:19Oh payments everything in life can be fixed with just a little bit of drifting
10:25and also the best crew yeah that is really good we get your hands on your
10:28crew is gonna be who boards with you fights with you and ideally the better
10:32their rank is the higher their level will be in the more you know what blah
10:35blah why there is one thing about your crew is collecting all the box some
10:40broads you can get am I right or am I right here's a few ways so you just
10:43collect all the hoes you can have them work on your pirate ship and fight for
10:47you first you can demonstrate your value to the chick that runs the door oh my
10:53god what game is this
11:10is this in the pirate Yakuza this is Yakuza I've been looking for this game
11:17for years throwing game are your loins tingling are your loins tingling join my
11:30crew please Oh second you can do the love broker side
11:35quest where you assemble a harem for your good is that yes it is wait
11:50that's the fucking chef it's a real guy
12:05this is amazing oh my here I'm for your good buddy then quintuple II cuck him at
12:15the end or there's my favorite handing $5,000 to a busty ninja that works at
12:20Taco Bell how does that get her to join our crew well it's the implication now
12:24if you're wondering how you get all the dudes I wouldn't know brother I'm going
12:30for a good off he's guard 2.0 look here and I gotta say bro what I wouldn't know
12:36brother I'm going for a look at this he's guard 2.0 my god I need to start
12:44playing this game again guys I know look here and I got this is insane regret it
12:49this ships running like a well-oiled machine 20 hours later it's not what it
12:54looks like listen these beefcakes are all gold rank those winches were all
12:57silver and bra they weren't qualified for the job the double de I hires had
13:03half my crew under level if that was a well-oiled machine it'd be the Delta
13:07flight that landed upside down you know and in the end of the day it's not that
13:10they didn't do their job it's just that an oiled up guy could have done it
13:14better don't believe through how about we bet on it listen we'll get back to
13:17Ubisoft in a second let's bet on it because if there's one thing I love more
13:21than busty ninjas it's gambling baby my therapist came up to me the other day
13:25and told me I have a gambling problem well I told him you want to bet on it
13:29but I don't fuck with all these Japanese card games cuz those make my brain go
13:33warm I don't know what the fuck that is one hand of that white show cabo what
13:37the fuck is this is this magic to get this is it this I think this is actually
13:41Yu-Gi-Oh isn't it so that went down what the fuck is going on what the hell is
13:46happening this is Yu-Gi-Oh why did they make me the dealer how did three of them
13:49just win all our money is gone no amber don't leave what do you mean our
13:53marriage is over and that's why I stick to American card game specifically poker
13:59no disrespect to Jack black but that's just where I test my luck for the night
14:02so the gods bless Lord with his rent money this month as I want to make some
14:07real fucking money it's all about high-stakes poker and I'll tell you how
14:11I do it the first rule of poker is that I always game how is how is this bullshit
14:16game have so many different layers of complexity this should be illegal they
14:28all do yeah but this is a bullshit spinoff game I don't know what it's
14:46like this is you know what it's like it's like going to an alternate universe
14:52where US game companies didn't go the way they did and I get to imagine what
14:59it would be like if we got to play a game like I don't know Killzone with
15:04this level of attention to detail and quality can you imagine that that would
15:13be crazy I don't even know what to say at least you can pet the dog in
15:21Yakuza I think you can pet the dog wait oh sorry sorry in Ubisoft you can pet
15:31the dog in this game too I'm pretty sure I'm like 90% sure you can pet the dog
15:35you can feed the dog there's like a dog loot system that you the dog will get
15:40items for you there's a dog reputation system there's also the chicken
15:45reputation system which is a lot different than the dog reputation system
15:50yeah yeah and then there's the tiger oh yeah I forgot about it the tiger it's
15:55not a dog yeah this is insane this is the this is another case of you being
15:59stuck in a WoW coma they have a lot of these minigames for the other Yakuza's
16:03yeah but like I watch this and then I play something like avowed or a dragon
16:09age like Vale guard and I'm like how did this happen really like how did this
16:18what the hell is going on a Metal Gear Solid 5 I've got to do the marathon of
16:25Metal Gear Solid man I think we're gonna start I'm honestly I'm gonna stop lying
16:30we're just gonna start with Metal Gear Solid 3 when it comes out the remake
16:34comes out we're gonna start with that since that's technically the beginning
16:38and then we play the other ones after that with the house's money never with
16:44my and of course by the house's money I mean my wife's savings account next open
16:48up the official poker rule book good job now fold it shut and remember this
16:52moment because that'll be the last time you ever fold again you don't read the
16:56rules reading is for pussies that don't have a subscription the only rules you
17:00need to know you must have watched my stream matter what that's right
17:03calling come on I only call my loan shark when I run out of my Queen's money
17:08drizzle drizzle nine times out of ten bluffing is all you need to beat your
17:12opponent and all man is betting on a lot and lying to others is easy if you
17:16first master lying to yourself are you following me here what I'm saying is
17:20this knowing the rules it's just game is $60 but if you don't know the rules
17:25you'll think every hand you have is a winning hand take this hand for example
17:29I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at here so I raised that I raised that I
17:33raised then I raised again the only thing I know these are all mini games
17:37inside of a spin-off this is my kids boom I win 50,000 chips everyone's in
17:43shock my dick so hard it's tipping the table as for what happens that other one
17:47time out of ten where someone doesn't fall for the bluff because he has a full
17:50house or straight or a one pair or something well that's where we lose
17:53everything and kidnap I in the parking lot later tonight that's right I nab his
17:56ass and I start a hostage I don't know how this is possible me you do anything
18:00stupid our snipers will riddle you with a hundred bullets oh my race I say make
18:04it a hundred and ten bullets they don't know who they're talking to a full they
18:08go home they leave me with a hostage they're too scared of that expert
18:11gambler like me anyway she's don't overthink this shit this story this
18:14game funnily enough starts the same way the kingdom come deliverance to does
18:17Majima hits his head forgets his entire past but where the two games separate
18:22their paths is that after you hit your head in kingdom come you go chicks no I'm
18:26into dudes oh yeah because you can be gay in that game and suck dicks and
18:32fuck dudes in the ass remember that pirate Yakuza Majima decides to become a
18:39pirate now if you can believe it yeah I had pretty hard after finishing this
18:43game therefore I know it's really funny about it is that the story from this
18:47game is actually better than the story that was in avowed because I was playing
18:53through this game at about the same time time that I was playing through avowed
18:56and I was really surprised it's way better yeah and it shouldn't be better
19:06no no I you you don't say no I I don't know what to say like kid is less yeah
19:14the kids less annoying than the monster on her kid yeah that's definitely true
19:18wait till you play Skyrim I don't know what to say I'd say the story is mid but
19:25the dialogue is 10 out of 10 I thought it was really good so don't remember a
19:30goddamn thing about this story so instead how about this whip your cock
19:33out mm-hmm come on don't be shy let's go head to head cock to cock and buddy
19:37when this night ends you're gonna give me all the cash in your wallet with a
19:40big smile on your face no not just fucked you real good on the racetrack
19:45the cock racing racetrack well all your fools have been playing avowed Saints
19:52today is this is this a real sport cock race it can did they do this in real
19:58life now this is something I'd gamble on this it yeah this could be some good
20:14content I've been honing in my cock racing skills for the last three years
20:20you see that I'm rich you see that I just lost everything but that's okay
20:25because now I'm gonna go find a champion cock on the door so these little
20:29micrococks and he's gonna win I hate that fucking thing or he's gonna make
20:35one hell of a bucket combo listen I gotta go I've already it's odd forsaken
20:41game or he's gonna make one hell of a bucket cup
20:46man combo listen I gotta go man I've already told all my monstrous memory
20:59mods remember I'm always two cups ahead y'all get ready man next week is about
21:05to be crazy oh man wait till y'all see what happens next week man oh man thanks
21:11to the flock of pips for bankroll in this video and another huge thanks to
21:14all the pimpers listen I'll see you this video is so good week when we piss
21:20off everybody that doesn't use a great sword it doesn't matter like no no bro
21:26like I yeah this did what a video it's actually crazy cuz like if you look at
21:32how well did that game do yeah like it's still what's crazy is that it's still
21:39maintained a decent player base I feel like this is one of those games that I
21:44wish more people knew about it 22k as a peak is solid no it should be 220 K the
21:52game is actually really good and whenever I compare it to like a lot of
21:56like average games like it's actually a game I would recommend and I would say
22:01this is actually a good game and it's worth playing